jedi mind tricks

Romney Cannot Out-Debate Handsome, Talented Barack Obama, Says Romney Spokeswoman

Nixon at least inspired a certain queasy pityOH BOY OH BOY THE DEBATES ARE COMING! This week will be the first time that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney get on TV and have a thoughtful, earnest exchange about how their different visions will translate into policies to help the great country they both love ha ha we can’t even finish this sentence because of course the whole noble debate concept has long been subsumed into the general presidential election horrorshow of spin and fuckery. We’re still days away and already the mind games are starting. First up: expectations-lowering, in which each campaign tries to convince the press that their candidate will spend most of the debate gibbering incoherently and urinating on himself in terror, so that when he manages to string several coherent sentences together it can be spun as a win. Unfortunately, Mitt’s people’s attempts at this have been a little … too convincing?

So, senior Romney advisor Beth Myers, what email did you send out to “interested parties” last week?

In a matter of days, Governor Romney and President Obama will meet on the presidential debate stage. President Obama is a universally-acclaimed public speaker and has substantial debate experience under his belt. However, the record he’s compiled over the last four years — higher unemployment, lower incomes, rising energy costs, and a national debt spiraling out of control — means this will be a close election right up to November 6th.

It’s kind of sad that even in a piece of transparent spin she can’t bring herself to predict a Romney victory. “Guys, this isn’t going to be a blowout at all! Probably we’ll be within single digits on election day!”

Voters already believe — by a 25-point margin — that President Obama is likely to do a better job in these debates. Given President Obama’s natural gifts and extensive seasoning under the bright lights of the debate stage, this is unsurprising. President Obama is a uniquely gifted speaker, and is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history. This will be the eighth one-on-one presidential debate of his political career. For Mitt Romney, it will be his first.

This part might have been more convincing had it also at least touched on Romney’s robotic, unlikeable stage presence, but we’ll let that pass, since widespread knowledge of it is probably built into that 25-point gap. Also, didn’t Mitt go through, like, an infinite number of horrifying GOP primary debates, both this year and in 2007-8? I guess barking smugly at Rick Perry and/or Mike Huckabee doesn’t count as “real debating.”

Four years ago, Barack Obama faced John McCain on the debate stage. According to Gallup, voters judged him the winner of each debate by double-digit margins, and their polling showed he won one debate by an astounding 33-point margin. In the 2008 primary, he faced Hillary Clinton, another formidable opponent — debating her one-on-one numerous times and coming out ahead. The takeaway? Not only has President Obama gained valuable experience in these debates, he also won them comfortably.

“Obama is become death, debate destroyer of worlds! The debate stage will be reduced to a smoldering crater under the president’s withering debate-powers! If Mitt Romney crawls from the rubble with at least two limbs intact, he will have done as well as anyone could expect!”

But what must President Obama overcome? His record. Based on the campaign he’s run so far, it’s clear that President Obama will use his ample rhetorical gifts and debating experience to one end: attacking Mitt Romney. Since he won’t — and can’t — talk about his record, he’ll talk about Mitt Romney. We fully expect a 90-minute attack ad aimed at tearing down his opponent. If President Obama is as negative as we expect, he will have missed an opportunity to let the American people know his vision for the next four years and the policies he’d pursue. That’s not an opportunity Mitt Romney will pass up. He will talk about the big choice in this election — the choice between President Obama’s government-centric vision and Mitt Romney’s vision for an opportunity society with more jobs, higher take-home pay, a better-educated workforce, and millions of Americans lifted out of poverty into the middle class.

“And we cannot emphasize this enough: When Mitt Romney does this, he will lose. Nobody wants to hear about this crap. Nobody. He will be laughed off the stage, but not before Obama’s ninja-like debating prowess reduces him to pathetic weeping.”

This election will not be decided by the debates, however. It will be decided by the American people. Regardless of who comes out on top in these debates, they know we can’t afford another four years like the last four years. And they will ultimately choose a better future by electing Mitt Romney to be our next president.

“The American people, who will be tuning in to watch by the millions, know that the debates are an ugly, meaningless sham. The debates will not sway their votes; they will watch only for the ugly, violent entertainment value, just as the debauched ancient Roman mob watched gladiators fight to the death.”

Meanwhile, David Axelrod claimed that Romney would do well because he’s debated more recently and first debates often favor challengers, but had difficulty maintaining a straight face saying this. [CNN/The Hill]

Related

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

260 comments

  1. mavenmaven

    This will be like the cage match in Mad Max. I am going to have a shot for every forced Romney robotic laugh, and for every attack based on the recent Libya killings.

    1. Beach_Bubba_Tex

      15 minutes in you'll be shit faced. Bring a designated driver who doesn't get too pissed off at the American political process.

    1. Typodong3

      The funny thing is, its a COMPLETELY plausible article for much of it, which is why its such GREAT satire.

    2. smitallica

      Holy. Shit.

      First they came for the falafels, but I said nothing because I wasn't a vegan…

  2. memzilla

    …Meanwhile, David Axelrod claimed that Romney would do well…

    Another Mitt-wit heard from.

  3. randcoolcatdaddy

    Romney's spokesman continued, "This election will not be decided by debates. It will be decided by uninformed voters who are watching Honey Boo Boo instead."

    1. actor212

      Indeed, Mitt is so insecure in his performance, he's purchased the TLC channel and forced them to move Honey BooBoo to Tuesday night this week

  4. CivilMcMannerly

    " Their candidate will spend most of the debate gibbering incoherently and urinating on himself in terror."

    I'd vote for the dude who does exactly this.
    Gibber / Urine 2012!

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    "For Mitt Romney, it will be his first."

    Didn't Mitt debate Shannon O’Brien one-on-one for the MA governor race?

    I'll never forget the SNL portrayal of Walnuts wandering around the debate floor.

    1. noodlesalad

      Well, it's true that it will be close until they vote, in that the candidates will be tied 0-0 in the electoral college up to that point. After the vote, not so much.

    1. LibertyLover

      Maybe we can get the NFL replacement refs to replace teacher for awhile? Then maybe teachers wouldn't be so maligned.

      1. HuddledMass

        If I recall the phenomenon of "substitute teacher" correctly – they did dramatically boost regard for regular teachers…

  6. no_gravity

    Meanwhile, David Axelrod claimed that Romney would do well because he’s debated more recently

    Yeah, but Romney went up against Wynken, Blynken, and Nod and a crazy lady who caught a bad case of the retarted from a toilet seat. Not exactly the Lincoln Douglas debates.

  7. Terry

    Even Mitt's spin doctors know he's toast. Funny how all these GOP candidates who were told to run either by God or their parents, isn't it? I'm guessing God (and the parents) forgot to tell the electorate.

  8. Peckerwood_Pete

    Presidential debates are kinda like pro wrestling… watching a couple of bad actors who work for the same guy pretending to be at odds with each other…

    1. LibertyLover

      Apparently they read sacred scriptures from a hat translated from golden tablets that no one has ever seen.

    2. GregComlish

      Wait, are you making a reference to Battlestar Galactica? Because that's supposed to be Kobol, not Kolob. And while there was some "debate" on Kobol, it would more accurately be labeled as "grappling with the existential themes that pervaded the smash hit sci-fi series".

        1. GregComlish

          Yeah, I was actually just bullshitting and not expecting to learn more about Mormonism. Thanks for giving me the info, although, to be honest, the more I learn about Mormonism the more it just plan weirds me out.

    1. doloras

      "Mitt, I'm not a comic book villain. Do you honestly think I'd debate you if I thought there were any chance you could win the election? I won it thirty-five minutes ago."

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe they'll just get up there and holler at each other, or maybe tell "yo' mama" jokes.

  10. ttommyunger

    Suggest Mitt wear Depends under that Magic Underwear; he's about to get the shit kicked out of him-on National TV, yet.

  11. dennis1943

    I won't be happy until Mitt mutters…."I've had enough of this shit"…..and stomps off the stage…..

      1. vtxmcrider

        So would I, even though I do not have any money. So I will just get it the way Romney got his by stealing from some corporations and pension funds.

    1. zumpie

      And when the media and pundits criticize, Marie Ann-Romnette tells You People how horrible and unappreciative they are.

      And Eddie cries big tears

    2. miss_grundy

      Perhaps he'll have a temper tantrum just like he did at Univision. Except, this one will be caught on camera and then everyone can finally make up their minds whom to vote for.

  12. noodlesalad

    But the media told me Mitt Romney was "honing his zingers." So does this mean that he WAS masturbating, and not practicing his debatin' skillz? I guess I don't really care either way. Time to get back to honing my zinger.

    1. SoBeach

      I can't be the only one hoping Mittens spends the whole debate awkwardly trying to get off one "zinger" after another.

  13. Baconzgood

    So this is going to be a real crap debate for Mitts and they alread have come to terms with that.

  14. i_AM_ready

    "President Obama is a uniquely gifted speaker, and is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history."

    I love how dumb people seem to think that being able to articulate rational thoughts in a clear manner has nothing to do with intelligence.

      1. i_AM_ready

        Yeah, but that was sort of bogus. "There you go again" and "Where's the rest of me?" aren't exactly Shakespeare. To say nothing of "No, Bonzo, bad monkey!"

  15. Goonemeritus

    The only way for Romney to lower my expectations is if he appointed Michele Bachmann as designated debater.

  16. BaldarTFlagass

    "President Obama is likely to do a better job in these debates. Given President Obama’s natural gifts and extensive seasoning under the bright lights of the debate stage, this is unsurprising. President Obama is a uniquely gifted speaker, and is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history."

    Why are they even bothering, if that's the case?

  17. Limeylizzie

    I hope that Hopey manages to get Mitt all testy, because that is when the real, petty, entitled
    Mitt really shows up. Oh and I really hope he makes him lie so that he does that dreadful fake laugh. Cannot wait.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Yeah, I'm pretty sure Mitt will get his royal undies in a wad several times. He's not used to folks Barry's hue getting uppity with him.

      1. Terry

        He's not used to ANYONE getting uppity with him. Remember that not only is Mitt rich and highly privileged, he also was a Mormon bishop for a long time and able to tell people what to do and if they didn't, he'd make them think they weren't getting their own planet.

        1. miss_grundy

          Yeah, look at that teacher in Colorado who tried to engage him in conversation at that roundtable. When he finally stopped to take a breath after trashtalking teachers and the education system in the U.S. and she tried to talk to him, he told her "I don't recall asking you a question" or some such comment. The nerve of anyone even speaking to the man.

          1. IceCreamEmpress

            Yes! Very nice why grandmothery lady and even so he just had to be a colossal DICKWEED to her.

    2. randcoolcatdaddy

      Romney's laugh sounds like something Ernst Blofeld would put on his phone as a ringtone.

    3. eggsacklywright

      And another thing – has anyone else noted the way Rmoney walks? Every time I see him on tv walking up to a podium, he takes these short, stutter steps that just add to the robotishness.

        1. Limeylizzie

          The walk is so strange, he is a tall man but takes really small steps, mincing, if you will, and he leans forward into the walk so it looks really odd.

      1. vtxmcrider

        At first I thought that somewhat effeminate walk was because of his awkwardness in the mom jeans but then realized he always walks like he is wearing a pair of stilettos. Maybe his magic underwear is too tight or he is just practicing being Ryan's bottom bitch.

      1. Limeylizzie

        I am a great student of all this stuff because I was an unhappy, fat, epileptic pre-teen and had a great deal of time on my hands.

        1. prommie

          I was a terribly awkward, pathologically shy, lonely teen. But things even out in life I am learning.

  18. PsycWench

    I so hope Romney tries some "barking smugly" on Wednesday night. More dog analogies to follow, include leaving with his tail between his legs.

  19. MozakiBlocks

    Mr. Mozaki Blocks, a fellow who dislikes all politicians and thinks the country has already gone to hell in a handbasket, announced to me last night that "WE WERE WATCHING THE DEBATES THIS WED". He wants to see how much of an ass Mitt will make of himself.

    (He does, however, adore Michelle Obama. The man turns into a babbling, 14 year old fanboy whenever her name is mentioned.)

    1. James Michael Curley

      Be forewarned that the reason BO does not stare intently into the camera when speaking is it has melted many women into a puddle and turned many men gay.

  20. UW8316154

    All these debates are nothing more than media circle-jerks. I cannot think of a single person who has not already decided who they will vote for, or, failing that, would change their political bent based on the so-called results of a highly scripted, televised polictical advertisement.

    Even the MittBott realizes that "47%" of the voters are lost to his "cause"

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      No kidding. And, seriously, if you're still undecided, you are too stupid to deserve to vote.

    2. Bezoar

      It's just gonna be the best reality show mini-series ever; for bizarre and feckless, nothing else will be able to touch it. I can't wait.

    3. zumpie

      To be fair, I have a conspiracy theroy, libertarian, crazee type friend (former classmate on FB) who keeps posting about how we have to vote out both parties, but particularly Obama. He generally seizes on examples of Obama's evilness as observing National Pledge Day (until I pointed out this dates back to the 1930's and most other presidents have done so)or appointing former Monsanto lobbyist Mcihael Taylor to the FDA (after Taylor had worked there and the USDA off and on for 20 years, under 3 other administrations).

      Anyway—THOSE might be your undecideds, as well. Or will help us by voting for Ron Paul.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Yeah, my big-mouth PaulTard brother is suddenly silent on all politics (that's never, ever been the case in our lifetime), only occasionally bleating the same idiotic thing as your FB pal. Of course, he's also a racist, which I'm certain no one here would be surprised to learn about any Libertarian*, so he would never vote for the Blah anyway.
        So yes, please, go ahead and vote for your whoever-it-is libertarian tard, we're not losing your vote, Mittbot is.

        *with the exception of the pothead Libertarians, what with their only platforms being drug law repeal and designating Phish as the White House band.

        1. zumpie

          Funny you should mention both racism and quieter, gentler wingnuts!

          1) My whitey-white FB friend also called the Prez a racist in his rant about the Monsanto dude. I did inquire as to how a bi-racial guy appointing a white guy to a post is racist, but I guess there's logic in there somewheres…Also, too—my FB friend is a fatty and is much annoyed by Barry's "shit eating grin". I'd more describe it as "handsome smile" my own self, but I think I see me some jealousy!!!

          2) Anyone else noticed how quiet all the teatards are lately???? Back in primary season they were smirking their asses off all over teh TeeVee. Now…crickets!

  21. Mumbletypeg

    Even papa George, from up in Mormon heaven, would be justified after observing his son's PR pratfalls, just reaching down from the afterworld and administering a spanking to his failure of a legacy-bearer cold throwing Mitt under the bus.

  22. James Michael Curley

    Notice how this twatwaffle states, " This will be the eighth one-on-one presidential debate of his political career. For Mitt Romney, it will be his first." So what, Obama debated John McCain eight times, I only saw three. Oh! I understand this includes the 2008 primary debates, which are not counted for Romney's 2012 15 or so primary appearances and so he is going to his first ever in the entire history of mankind debate with a human (other than that unfortunate incident when he locked Dave out of the airlock).

      1. James Michael Curley

        That implies that Ted Kennedy was not. However, old Teddy not only threw up a few soft balls to Romney who thought he would hit them out of the park but when Romney chose to bunt old Teddy tagged him out before he even left the plate.

  23. zumpie

    1) Gotta love the "tearing down" and lies stuff. It would be today's installment of "I'm rubber you're glue" from the Thurston campaign.

    2) That big, fat, obnoxious guido from NJ and the super wingnuts on yahoo keep insisting that Mittens is gonna be just teh awesome, leaving the evil, Kenyan, Muslin usurper in the dust. And it will sooooooo totally be Reagan/Carter all over again. Except this time ALL the polls are wrong, instead of just Gallup.

    3) On a different topic: Munster insisted to Chris Wallace that it is neither their miserable, pathetic campaign, nor the voters' fault that they are losing. It's Obama's fault. Which I suppose you could sorta twisted argue that by being better and not painfully stupid the Obama campaign is "competing unfairly".

    Most of us would just call it "winning".

  24. An_Outhouse

    What color will Mitt be body painted for this one? I'm thinking red, white, and blue stripes might be a bit over the top but in line with Mitt's general campaign style.

  25. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Perhaps an opening statement along the lines of:
    "Roney said I can't run on my achievements. I disagree. Under my watch:
    The stock market has doubled
    Taxes have been cut
    Ronmeycare has been extended to the whole nation
    The jobless rate has fallen
    Alqueda has been decimated
    A new START Treaty has been ratified
    Bin Laden has been removed from this earth
    Ghadaffi is gone
    Mubarak Stepped down
    The Iraq war ended
    Put the stimulus spending onto a website so that everyone can see it
    Put the full budget onto a website so that everyone can see it and check the math
    Repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell.
    Lily Ledbetter fair pay act, where equal work gets equal pay.

    That's the record I'm running on.

    So far you guys haven't been able to name even one loophole or exemption you would use to pay for your tax cuts. On the plus side you do have Romneycare."

    respose?

      1. PubOption

        Going off topic, does the AARP ad about getting the truth on Medicare cuts run in your area? The (very young for an AARP member) black woman, surrounded by cartoon word bubbles saying "Blah, Blah, Blah" cracks me up.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      On the plus side you do have Romneycare.

      Which was something you weren't even responsible for in the first place, and which you tried to veto eight key provisions of, which vetos were overridden handily in each case, and even so you pretended you had been driving the train when you were a mildly cranky passenger. Until you changed your mind about what has been the best attempt at a compromise health care bill to date, and started repudiating your unearned credit for it.

  26. Dumbedup

    Romney's constant, chronic discomfort could be hard on BO. It's awkward to be around such an uncomfortable, anxious person as Romney, and he could get noth of them stuttering, smiling at the wrong times and scratching non existent itches.

  27. TheGyrus

    Did those idiots really schedule a debate for the middle of game-time on the very last day of the MLB regular season? No fucking way I'm watching this with playoff implications on the line.

    1. sewollef

      I dunno about baseball if my life depended on it… but I'm guessing it'd be like: do I watch the semi-final of the European Champions League between Manchester United and Barcelona….. or watch the debate between a robot and the President?

      No contest. Football would win that tussle. Sorry Bams.

  28. LibrarianX

    Willard may well exceed historically low expectations, but the pity vote is likely to sway just two old ladies somewhere in Pennsylvania.

    1. James Michael Curley

      That's Brooklyn and he would be well advised not to drink the Elderberry Wine or he will end up filling a lock in the Panama Canal.

  29. pdiddycornchips

    The debates are going to be a major disappointment.

    "Governor Romney, you say your tax plan is revenue neutral and you will eliminate loopholes that benefit the wealthy. Can you please offer us some details?

    "Well that would take too long. But the President will raise taxes on everyone including kittens and puppies. Also, he personally ordered the murder of our Ambassador in Libya."

      1. Esteev

        "While the vessel is safe, whether it be a large or a small one, then is the time for sailor and helmsman and everyone in his turn to show his zeal and to take care that it is not capsized by anyone's malice or inadvertence; but when the sea has overwhelmed it, zeal is useless."

        Demosthenes (Third Philippic, 69)—The orator warned his countrymen of the disasters Athens would suffer, if they continued to remain idle and indifferent to the challenges of their times.

        Irony LOL

  30. LibrarianX

    Mitt is so clearly uncomfortable in his skin. My hope for the debates: he becomes so totally uncomfortable and twitchy that he finally sheds his human skin to reveal his true, alien being to the world.

    1. sewollef

      And that's when Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones walk on stage and zap him with that teeny-tiny zap gun that Jones made Smith 'carry' in the first MIB

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I wish I could find the photo of Obama and Biden standing in a very MIB type pose. So much for a snappy and witty link. Sigh. Back to work I guess.

    1. Esteev

      Yes, but his opponents weren't Muslin usurpers with magical oratorical skills learned from a mystical, Hawaiian witch doctor that specialized in hypnotizing 47% of a populous with "policy ideas that don't put them (further) into the poor house."

  31. Esteev

    If only there were an institution that could parse through the rhetoric and spin. An institution that would present the facts and provide context for them. A free, independent sigh nevermind…

  32. Bezoar

    Here's my plan; I'm going to get home from work early and make a sextuple batch of air-popper popcorn, then drizzle it with two cups of melted butter full of grated parmesan cheese, then sprinkle liberally with popcorn salt and lightly with cayenne pepper. Then it goes into a 250 degree oven for about a half hour. Incredibly light and crispy!

    1. sewollef

      I trust Nate Silver more than I trust any of the other pollsters, combined. The guy knows his shit…. and the figures on his blog look good for us and wretched for Mittens and the GOP.

      We can only hope that 538 is as accurate this time as he has been in all other elections he's been around.

      1. James Michael Curley

        If you can tolerate even more advanced statistical nerdishness there is http://votamatic.org/. I have a degree in 'International Economics" and don't want to wade through all the statistical explanations. However, he provides graphs which include all the states and just posted an entry which analyzes that a bias in the polls for the past months has been toward Romney and not Obama. Althought the graphs get updated often the blog posts are rare.

  33. James Michael Curley

    "Jim Lehrer, moderator of the first 2012 presidential debate, has selected the topics for that debate, which is on domestic policy. Mr. Lehrer stated:

    Subject to possible changes because of news developments, here are the topics for the October 3 debate, not necessarily to be brought up in this order:
    The Economy – I
    The Economy – II
    The Economy – III
    Health Care
    The Role of Government
    Governing
    The debate will be held on Wednesday, October 3 at the University of Denver in Denver, CO. The format calls for six 15-minute time segments, each of which will focus on one of the issues listed above. All debates start at 9:00 p.m. ET and run for 90 minutes."
    Commission on Presidential Debates which has been hosting the Presidential Debates since 1988

      1. James Michael Curley

        Fer Shure Dude! Natalie Portman dressed in a skin tight white jumps suit and chained to a pole in the middle of the stage will greatly increase viewers.

      1. James Michael Curley

        It’s a long time ago but this organization was created because people were accusing LWV of being biased to democrats if I remember correctly.

  34. fawkedifiknow

    I wonder if the "logistical consistency" of "don't let Obama get away with attacking me and my record as a debate tactic" and "I'm going to attack him mercilessly on his record" will resonate with viewers?

  35. Spurning Beer

    Has anybody else been struck by this irony: in the Kennedy-Nixon debate, it was the superficial issues of Nixon's stubbly sweatiness that captured the public's attention, not the policy or rhetoric. And the public's superficiality turned out to be COMPLETELY CORRECT about Nixon. He turned out to be the amoral rodent he looked like, but might have escaped notice in a transcript.

    I think I will watch the debate with the sound off, to spare my nerves, and wait for Barack to flash that smile.

    1. zumpie

      Barry will flash his smile and Mittens will flash (repeatedly) his crazee eyes that indicate system overload

    1. docterry6973

      1/2 teaspoon every time Romney mentions Libya. Any more than that will risk an alcohol overdose. Faux has been flogging the Libya attack all weekend, so the memo is out. That is the issue Romney wants to try this week.

      1. James Michael Curley

        I think Jim Leher will allow a pass to Romney once then hit him up with a comment that the debate is for the Economy the second time he tries.

    2. MozakiBlocks

      There are none, it's every sane American for him or herself.

      I personally plan to break out the moonshine.

  36. delaney_blom

    we can’t even finish this sentence because of course the whole noble debate concept has long been subsumed into the general presidential election horrorshow of spin and fuckery.

    Could you direct me to the fuckery room?

  37. Naked_Bunny

    they know we can’t afford another four years like the last four years.

    So vote Democrat, so they can get some shit done.

  38. Mahousu

    Beth Myers added, "While of course we have been helping Governor Romney prepare for the debates, you must remember that we are widely acclaimed as the most incompetent campaign staff in modern history.

    "For example, rather than the foreign policy review we had scheduled, I made the governor waste all of Saturday memorizing the differences between the first, second and third generations of My Little Pony. I'm not sure why, but for some reason I was convinced it would come up in the debates. So if he diverts his discussion of Libya into a comparison of Patch and Rainbow Dash, I'm the one to blame, not him."

    1. James Michael Curley

      Will Mitt take a run in the desert and fall down so the campaign can put out that he is bravely going on like the Palin campaign did?

  39. Steverino247

    "However, the fact that Obama is a black man will keep this race close until November 6th."

    Fixed that for you…

  40. SaintRond

    Romney's been practicing zingers. I would recommend Obama counter this by drinking water when the guy is speaking, then to come out with Danny Thomas style spit takes whenever he mentions he has a policy, but isn't going to tell us about it until after the election.

  41. Guppy

    Obama is become death, debate destroyer of worlds!

    I feel it is important to set some of the ground rules for the debate drinking game now:

    When Romney rends his garments, pours ashes on his head, throws himself upon the ground and wails piteously to the heavens, how many drinks is that? And will there be a betting pool on how far into the debate he does this?

    (And if Egg turned into a pillar of salt, would anyone notice?)

  42. Weenus299

    Am I alone thinking that these will be terrible debates? I love Nobama but I'd rather watch Chris Matthews explode with semen and tears than have Our President try to come up with a concise statement in 90 seconds. Mittens opening his mouth will be entertaining, though.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      shekels

      Even back in his missionary days — putting up their feet after a long day's door-to-door proselytizing — Mitt and his expat' roommate could still parse their futures with an eye to the fabled handwriting-on-the-wall as the Old Testament profit handed down: "Many Mine-y Shekels, Uphartsack"

  43. Exhausted66

    Now blahs have "natural abilities" in something other than dunking and 40 times?
    Not fair, send monies.

  44. prommie

    Back in the day when Prommie were a campaign hack, he was actually asked to stand in as a proxy for the candidate and debate the opponents, for the candidate was in DC having to vote on some little bill authorizing the use of force in Iraq. Prommie was chosen I think because he was the oldest campaign staff person by far and the gray hair lent some gravitas or some shit like that. Man oh man its hard to debate in the third person, is all I can say, having to always say "I know what my boss would say on this issue, he would say that he believes and blah blah blah" all the time. But and still it was fun, except for the gibbering and urinating on myself. It happened twice, I recall now. Luckily noone gives a flying rats ass about Rep. candidates debating.

    1. James Michael Curley

      I once helped prepare a candidate, long time ago, and we knew little about her opponent. It was in the early 90's and the NJ budget was in a shambles. When the opponent, in his opening remarks, suggested that the 'food stamp' program be given to supermarkets to administer and the state and federal governments provide tax breaks to the supermarkets to pay for it, my candidate started giggling and almost could not stop. Fortunately it was not on TV (or recorded) but the audience joined in for a few brief seconds.

        1. James Michael Curley

          One guy I actually got paid by sold his absolutely cherry 1934/5 Lincoln Pheaton to pay for his campaign. Don’t know what he got but man, a 1934/5 Lincoln Pheaton.

    2. DemmeFatale

      When my candidate was debating, I asked his opponent a very easy, straightforward, question. He totally botched the answer.
      Another local politician said: "You threw him a softball, and he threw back a meatball."
      I loved that.

  45. PubOption

    Is Beth Myers related to Dee Dee Myers? If she's not an alcoholic now, will she be one by the end of the debate?

  46. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, it could be interesting, based on the Rolling Stone articles last month suggesting that Romney is not stupid, just incredibly glib and greedy, and the fact that Obama has looked very, very tired this last couple of months…..I expect lots of that shocked,dismissive look Romney used in his earlier debates, coupled with loads of old, dug up material on Obama's marxist past, and the idea that, because he is better and whiter, Romneyness would save the world for all of us (not just Bain)….while Obama will patiently explain again how fucked everything was and how nobody would work with him….lots of laughs….

  47. Katydid

    …and millions of Americans lifted out of poverty into the middle class."

    That's gonna be some big fucking forklift.

  48. mr bojangles

    near the end romney screams 'you want the truth..you want the truth?!?!? you can't handle the truth!!!!!"

  49. mrblifil

    "We fully expect a 90-minute attack ad aimed at tearing down his opponent."

    This translates to: "He will at some point mention the phrase 'tax returns.'"

  50. BZ1

    Mittens is preparing zingers? can't see him in a stand-up act, as he would actually have to relate to someone, anyone instead of his usual robotic performance.

  51. Smithboy

    I'm going to vote for Obama because he's not Netanyahu's b*tch. That said, I would vote for Romney if he was to follow his peaceful Mormon beliefs and announce…My first act as president will be to immediately order our troops out of Afghanistan. I will not spend one more dollar of tax payer's money to promote warlords and war profiteers, while American soldiers die.

    Secondly, there is no evidence that Iran is building a nuclear weapon. My first act as president will be to extend a hand of friendship to Iran by dropping sanctions that are killing innocent men, women and children.

    My third course of action will be to suspend aid to Israel until the Palestinians have their own homeland and the land stolen by the Israelis returned. I will send battleships to make sure that aid can reach those citizens who have been starved by the IDF.

    Actually I would change my vote if Romney would make any one of the above mentioned announcements.

  52. Millennial Malaise

    "President Obama is a uniquely gifted speaker, and is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history."

    Der, I thought he was just an affirmative action hire who couldn't speak without a teleprompter. This is so hard, you guys! Keeping our racist mythologies straight.

  53. ChessieNefercat

    "…higher take-home pay…"

    Really? This from the party that wants to eliminate the minimum wage and whines constantly that they wouldn't move jobs overseas if we all would just agree to work for seventy-five cents a day?

    Sure lady. I believe that.

  54. calliecallie

    "…Mitt Romney’s vision for an opportunity society with more jobs, higher take-home pay, a better-educated workforce, and millions of Americans lifted out of poverty into the middle class."

    WTF!?! Higher take-home pay for who, Bain Capital? Better education for who, his private school frat boy friend's kids? Lifted out of poverty, who, the 47%?

    When has he ever talked about any of that? Or is this just another FLIP FLOP? This pisses me off a little.

  55. ChessieNefercat

    So. The president has been talking up his record and has provided a detailed plan going forward.

    Mitt refuses to discuss his overall plan and Ryan says it would take too long to explain the tax plan (at least to all of us proletarian dunces), so, all we ever hear from them is ♪♫trust us falalala trust us♫♪

    And according to camp Rombain, the opposite will magically take place during the debates.

    Sure. I believe that.

  56. Schmegeg

    I can't wait until Mittens stammers one of the "zingers" he has been practicing, then gets that little grin and half chuckles, and everyone changes the channel.

  57. lulzmonger

    the big choice in this election — the choice between President Obama’s government-centric vision and Mitt Romney’s vision for an opportunity society with more jobs, higher take-home pay, a better-educated workforce, and millions of Americans lifted out of poverty into the middle class.

    Second out of two parties in job growth? Serial wage rapists? Global crime syndicate terrorist-grooming lickspittles? Reaganomicon educational/cultural dumbing-down fanboys to the bone? FreeMarketeer™ anarcho-capitalist race-to-the-bottom psychopaths?

    DELETE MODERNHISTORY.PDF
    RUN UNHAPPEN.EXE
    RUN MORNINGINUSA.EXE
    OPEN CRYINGEAGLE.GIF

  58. DahBoner

    Can't wait to hear the Master Debater catch Obummer with his ZINGER…

    "Do you beat your wife often?"

Comments are closed.