FOOL ME ONCE CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN  2:40 pm September 28, 2012

Guess Who Is the Keynote Speaker at the Cayman Islands Alternative Investment Summit (Hint: It Is George W. Bush)

by Kris E. Benson

How NICE that Dubya can take some time off to get away from whatever the hell it is he does these days to address a bunch of Job Creators in a quiet room in the Cayman Islands. What is the Cayman Islands Investment Summit, you might be wondering? It is exactly what you think it is, plus tennis.


The Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit, for those of you who are not familiar, will be held in a nice resort in the Cayman Islands in conjunction with a fancy tennis event, and will be a huge circle jerk for Job Creators wherein they can talk about tax avoidance strategies. Or, as they put it,

The Cayman Islands Alternative Investment Summit is an international conference that will bring together the world’s leading institutional investors, fund managers, academics, economists and regulators in the Cayman Islands – the world’s leading domicile for investment funds – to discuss and debate the fundamentals of a vibrant future for the alternative investments industry.

Yes, if we wanted to host an intelligent and nuanced debate about a complex topic, George W. Bush would certainly be one of our first choices too.  The “key theme” of the summit is ‘Innovation in Alternative Investments: Seeing What’s Next’. (Hint: avoiding taxes, probably.) Sadly, Mitt is too busy campaigning for president to visit the millions of dollars he stashes there (not to avoid taxes, of course) but maybe he can sent it a message via GW?

The Cayman Alternative Investment Summit is an opportunity for the industry’s elite to take an introspective look at itself, seeing where the industry has been and predicting where it will go in the future,” said Anthony Cowell, Partner in Alternative Investments at KPMG in the Cayman Islands and Editorial Chair. “KPMG is proud to be at the centre of the event and looks forward to the stimulating and thought provoking debate, set against the backdrop of the domicile of choice for alternative investments.

This all makes perfect sense.  Who doesn’t immediately conjure up visions of tennis, a seaside resort, and George W. Bush when they think of “stimulating and thought provoking debate”?

[TPM]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 145 comments }

Come here a minute September 28, 2012 at 2:42 pm

The Republican National Committee is arranging for George W. Bush's role in the Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit to last from now through election day.

miss_grundy September 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Isn't this a seminar that's produced by Bain Capital, the people who brought you "harvested companies"????

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:05 pm

And then he's gonna, um, "die in his sleep".

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 2:10 am

What you meant to say is that he's going to Diebold from a vote overdose, of course.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Now that's a Job Fair I wouldn't mind attending!!

UnholyMoses September 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Maybe he can say hello to some of Romney's money while he's there.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Please.

W's estimated net worth is around $26 million.

Romney's is around ten times that.

Bush is lucky to be allowed on the same island as Romney' money.

Not_So_Much September 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I've wondered about this because I thought Poppy and Evil Vindictive Hag Babs Bush were worth kajillions? Carlyle Group and whatnot?

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Believe it or not, Bush pere is only worth around $60 million

Not_So_Much September 28, 2012 at 4:23 pm

That surprises me. Between all the oil money and defense cash from Carlyle death toys, I assumed he was close to the $1B club. I'm surprised they let such paupers hang out on Martha's Vineyard.

BartStarrland September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

How come anything starting with the word 'alternative' always sounds hinky? – medicine, lifestyle, reality, ….investments.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Energy?

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I always find it fun to throw alternative in to most any sentence.

"Guys, I going into town to get an alternative carwash."

"Mom, where is the alternative peanut butter?"

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:51 pm

"Oh, fuck, I'm out of alternative rum! To the alt-packy!"

elviouslyqueer September 28, 2012 at 2:52 pm

"Honey, I would like to have alternative buttsecks tonight."

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"Hey, wait a minnit. That's not my ****!!!"

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I find that snark alternative funny.

(in a good way)

Schmannnity September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Won't he be surprised when he learns that Cow Men's Islands isn't in Texas.

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:07 pm

AND Caiden Cowger is in West Virginia.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I predict that there will be a lot of interest in further investment in Third World child-labor sweatshops.

Also, plastics, my boy. Plastics.

Blueb4sinrise September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Not photovoltaic?

Mahousu September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

"Alternative investments" is just a euphemism for "drug deals," right?

SmutBoffin September 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Like "alternative porn", it just means that the participants have a lot of tattoos and piercings.

Mahousu September 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I think these days, "alternative porn" is when they don't have a lot of tattoos and piercings.

*Rimshot*

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 2:12 am

I know, right? It seems everyone I know my age has some kind of tattoo.

Chichikovovich September 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Not necessarily. It also includes weapons deals with embargoed nations. And trade in adulterated penicillin for war veterans.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Harry Lime LLC?

IonaTrailer September 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Harry Bawlsak LLC

Chichikovovich September 28, 2012 at 3:16 pm

What can I say: I love the classics!

Edit: (Though I'm pretty sure that there are no giant ferris wheels on Grand Cayman, so the climactic meeting between Joseph Cotten and Mitt Romney will have to take place on solid ground.)

nounverb911 September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Where's a hurricane when you need one?

weejee September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Unfortunately, the Mormons have banned blow jobs.

weejee September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Will Shrub be talking in the hall, or clearing brush from the gardens?

coolhandnuke September 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

The Hague is where Dubya needs to hold his last conference.

SnarkOff September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

The Investment Summit a tax write-off, also.

nounverb911 September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Do the Cayman's extradite to The Hague?

noodlesalad September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I'm in the "How to Fudge Your Tax Returns To Make Yourself Look More Responsible When Running for Public Office" track.

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 2:46 pm

His speech is titled "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.”

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Unicorns: Developing Market or Mythical Creatures?

Terry September 28, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Imagine spending all the money to attend that conference, then the advice you get is from GW Bush. Bush, you failed at business after business. His strategy for success was allowing his father's friends and political associates to fix his messes.

actor212 September 28, 2012 at 2:47 pm

This probably pays better than the RNC anyway

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"How many is a Brazillion?"

Nostrildamus September 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Enough to leave you heirless.

sewollef September 28, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Brazillion? It's a thong shy of a full frontal, of course.

MissTaken September 28, 2012 at 3:27 pm

None, nada, nothing.

Gratuitous World September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

now watch this drive

AddHomonym September 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Or lob, or whatever you call it.

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 2:14 am

Dubya, tennis: You're doing it wrong.

lol

ManchuCandidate September 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I hope W does to the Cayman Islands Finance Community like he's done to everything else he's worked on.

SmutBoffin September 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I anticipate nothing less than a blasted landscape and refugee camps everywhere.

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Um, didn't he engineer 700 billion to his friends just before he left office?….

HogeyeGrex September 28, 2012 at 3:38 pm

That 700bil was just the tip of the iceberg.

Mind you, that was from 11/08. I've got a link somewhere that tallies twice that much. Can't be arsed to find it, though.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I hope he gets bit by a grouper.

SmutBoffin September 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Yeah, bitten right in the votes.

miss_grundy September 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

A shark jumps out of the water to bite him…….

*with votes*

Mittaplasia September 28, 2012 at 8:22 pm

But…what about that professional courtesy thingy?

emmelemm September 28, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Stingray barb… right to the heart!

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm

What, Sarah Palin was already booked?

docterry6973 September 28, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Palin's idea of an investment is buying a crate of paper towels at Sam's Club. Those Cayman island guys already know how to do that.

SayItWithWookies September 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"Alternative Investment" certainly doesn't sound like a flimsy euphemism for theft, does it? Can we just fuckin' revoke the passports of every single motherfucker who attends that conference and freeze all their assets while we're at it? We'd all be better off without them.

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

"I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account…OH crap…"

Monsieur_Grumpe September 28, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I certainly hope they start the meeting with the pledge of allegiance because it would so very unpatriotic not to.

PubOption September 28, 2012 at 2:58 pm

"I pledge allegiance to my money, and the country in which it stands, until I get a better deal from somewhere else…"

Serolf_Divad September 28, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Yeah, this year… but next year it'll be Mitt Romney.

LibertyLover September 28, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Here's a preview of his speech: "Lame joke…..Blah, Blah Blah… tax cuts….blah, blah, blah… economy…. blah, blah, blah…. and finally, hey, watch this drive!" Because, golf course, duh.

Baconzgood September 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Jokes on all of them because the Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit is just an elaborate time share pitch.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Ooh. Win.

BaldarTFlagass September 28, 2012 at 2:54 pm

"My alternative investment advice to you is to borrow a boatload of money from your parents and their pals; buy a professional baseball team; hold a city to ransom to build you a new ballpark; and sell the team after that ballpark makes the team worth four times as much as it was. Thank you taxpayers!!!"

mr bojangles September 28, 2012 at 2:54 pm

romney is itching to go…may sneak away from the campaign this weekend…go disguised as a mexican.

old_blu September 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I noticed Romneys skin and hair are getting darker, he looks more and more hispanic all the time.

CivicHoliday September 29, 2012 at 3:59 pm

He'll be Skyping from the horse barn

kittensdontlie September 28, 2012 at 2:54 pm

When all the attendees reach zero tax liability, then mission accomplished.

mavenmaven September 28, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Reminds me of guantanamo

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 2:16 am

Yes, but with fewer terrorists.

Hey-O!

OneYieldRegular September 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

This is one instance where rising sea levels can't rise fast enough.

HogeyeGrex September 28, 2012 at 3:41 pm

They could if there were a tsunami.

ChillBill September 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Miss him yet, Mitt?

elviouslyqueer September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Wait. Richard Branson is going to be the other keynote speaker? Oh please let this be an opportunity for W to ask the immortal chestnut "So, how is your queen?" so that Sir Dickie can reply, "Oh he's doing great. And Kate's doing fabulously as well."

ProgressiveInga September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Did you know that in the Cayman's they show their disrespect for people by throwing flip-flops at them?

True story.

ChillBill September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"Rarely the question is asked: is our tax accountants leaning?"

Chichikovovich September 28, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Because the answer is always: They sure are!

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Do the Caymans have brush?

GeorgiaBurning September 28, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Not for long

MonkeyMotion September 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm

In a contest of 'Who Can Put A Shoe In His Mouth First', the race between W and Mittens would be very close (and very entertaining).

sudsmckenzie September 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Is our tax havens learning?

Wilcoxyz September 28, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Is our investments earning?

decentcitizen September 28, 2012 at 2:57 pm

The Caymans -where money takes a vacation!

gullywompr September 28, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Because Bush has such a good track record with money…

mrpuma2u September 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Alternative to paying their fair share of taxes most likely. Fucking tax dodging pikers.

Beowoof September 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Do the Caymans have an extradition treaty with any of the countries that have indicted him for War Crimes, oh please, please.

calliecallie September 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

"…to discuss and debate the fundamentals of a vibrant future for the alternative investments industry."

This seems as ominous and more incidious than the military-industrial complex.

PsycWench September 28, 2012 at 3:35 pm

I was wondering why they are discussing a vibrant future for something they've clearly been doing for years already.

coolhandnuke September 28, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Another one of those pesky, misleading typos. Should read; Gayman Island Alternative Investment Summit. The event's big draw is a boatload of closeted GOP men in grass skirts made from U.S currency and coconut bras get to climb and mount Marcus Bachmann.

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Summit = submit?

magic_titty September 28, 2012 at 3:03 pm

"Invest in 'Merica. And dungarees. Thank you. Now let's have some chow."

delaney_blom September 28, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Is "alternative investment" when the LGBT community fixes up a shitty neighborhood?

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

They always have such fabulous front doors.

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Oh!
*thrilled*
That means the Lesbian couple across the street from me will make my shitty neighborhood worth something!
*kvells*

ThundercatHo September 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"Nuke the entire site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure."

AddHomonym September 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Strategery. Thank you very much. God bless."

Nostrildamus September 28, 2012 at 3:05 pm

You know, "Pull my finger" only goes so far in a "stimulating and thought-provoking debate".

HogeyeGrex September 28, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Elitist.

sewollef September 28, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Look. I know hints and that was no hint. It was a downright outing, right there on the front page.

anniegetyerfun September 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

So, "elite" is good now?

weejee September 28, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Superior to 'courier' at least.

CommieDad September 28, 2012 at 3:10 pm

So how much do you think Mitt paid for them to keep Dubya occupied?

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Probably too much, as all it would take to keep Dubya occupied is some rolled up foil or shiny keys on a chain.

CommieDad September 28, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I know George would speak at the Cayman islands in exchange 20% off his registration fees. But how much did Mitt pay the cayman islands to put up with him?

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm

Paid?

He gave him a piece of paper with "Look on other side" written on both sides.

weejee September 28, 2012 at 3:10 pm

OT

While they are digging around in Roseville, Michigan for Jimmy Hoffa do you think they'll find John Mitchell's long-missing cuff link and Chuck Colson's missing tie tack?

coolhandnuke September 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

That stuff is still lodged in G. Gordon Liddy's colon.

Toomush_Infer September 28, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Y'know, just the idea that this war criminal who engineered the loss of half my savings, along with most of America, can just smarm the rest of his life away in continual pleasure just reassures me that the God I grew up with has lost his powers….

Jus_Wonderin September 28, 2012 at 3:16 pm

…and that almost 1/2 of US voters had lost their minds. Sad.

sewollef September 28, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Aah, the Cayman Islands….. I'm saving up to go myself. Alternatively, I could go to City Island, The Bronx.

rickmaci September 28, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I keep hearing about everybody putting their moola in Ameros. Whatzthat all about? Think Shrubby will talk to me about that?

grex1949 September 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"Alternative" to what? Oh, never mind. I guess it's "Alternatives to Investing in the U.S. Economy". Or maybe "Alternative to Paying your Fair Share of Income Tax"? You People are all the same. Always carping at us job creators, complaining about our hard-earned inherited wealth while not doing an honest day's work in your entire lives, sitting around waiting for us to give you food, medical care, housing, you name it.

Antispandex September 28, 2012 at 3:19 pm

George Bush is going to give you investment advice. RUN! No, wait, come back…OVERSEAS investment advice…Whoa, damn, that was wierd for a second.

Sharkey September 28, 2012 at 3:19 pm

GAH! How did they pack so much ugly into one web page?

(Don't answer that.)

James Michael Curley September 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

When is this, next month? Do you think Dubya will figure out how to fill out an absentee ballot application or will he need Conan the Librarian to help him?

BlueStateLibel September 28, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Need to start Obama petition making it illegal for war criminals to enter U.S., stat.

Yellerdawg September 28, 2012 at 3:38 pm

<Excerpt from speech>

"Ahem…gentlemen, it's time to re-think our strategeries. From now on, let's pledge as a group to pay our fair share of taxes to support the great nation which provides us with the infrastructure we rely on to be successful. Hah! Got you there! I could totally see Donald lookin' at me like, 'You're fired!'"

cheetojeebus September 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm

So, Is it business harvesting season? I wonder if there are any traditional field hollers sung?

MistaEko September 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Now sounds like a good time to short Cayman Islands.

fuflans September 28, 2012 at 3:41 pm

i wonder if romney would be as much of a disaster as bush.

i sincerely we hope that doesn't get put to the test.

johnnymeatworth September 28, 2012 at 3:51 pm

He must be banking on the attendees never having read My Pet Goat.

ahnc September 28, 2012 at 4:00 pm

I wonder if Bush will bring his bike to the Caymans?

cousinitt September 28, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Psst, suggest to W that he try shark jumping on his BMX. I hear it's popular with the Goopers these daze.

KeepFnThatChicken September 28, 2012 at 4:15 pm

All the shoes that will be thrown are Barker Black.

Pithaughn September 28, 2012 at 4:21 pm

He he. they invited the academics, economists and regulators so they would have somebody to "pretend" bury in the beach sand.

Isyaignert September 28, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Is "alternative" the new word for 'illegal'?

GeorgiaBurning September 28, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The keynote speakers are an idiot stooge and a Brit who needs to unload an airline; the "industry" people look like a lot of empty suits who've provided their DMV pictures instead of good head shots. (The pics taken on the boat at least look like humans) The best "Alternative Investment" strategy coming out of this bunch is stuffing your cash into a pillow case and sleeping on it. What's next for W? Pitching reverse mortgages on cable?

DahBoner September 28, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Lesson One: "How to Cheat Black People Out of Their Welfare Checks"

DON'T PAY TAXES HA HA HA, added Mitt by video feed…

johnnyzhivago September 28, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Romney is the keynote speaker in 2013

docterry6973 September 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm

And it happens on November 1-2. Gosh, I hope that this doesn't cause a fuss that will reflect badly on Mitt a week before the election.

And so many nice picture and names, to add to my hit, er, Christmas card list.

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:04 pm

I still don't miss him yet.

dennis1943 September 28, 2012 at 7:04 pm

The man needs a vacation………………there are only so many places to go where he need not worry about being arrested…….

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Brilliant example of typical Republican strategy:
Send the *last* spoiled rich kid who ran the country off a cliff to go make a speech in the country where the *current* spoiled rich kid is hiding his corporate raider millions.

owhatever September 28, 2012 at 11:21 pm

The Republicans get how arrogant this looks, but they just don't care.

Negropolis September 29, 2012 at 2:06 am

"Alternative investments"? You have got to be shitting me.

ChessieNefercat September 29, 2012 at 9:40 am

Well, that certainly sounds more dignified than a meeting of "tax-dodging, unpatriotic*, fuckwads."

*unpatriotic covers whatever countries that money should be in.

gurukalehuru September 29, 2012 at 10:20 am

The Cayman Island's isn't one of those countries that wants to arrest him as a war criminal, is it?

ttommyunger September 29, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oh well, at least he shouldn't have an opportunity to mangle the word: Nuclear.

lulzmonger September 29, 2012 at 2:07 pm

"I believe that man & fish tax-shelter can live in peace together."

deliman4 September 29, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Can we vote him off the island?

JCE1985 September 30, 2012 at 12:02 pm

"I'm sorry, but I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account."

tessiee September 28, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Rich Texan on The Simpsons: HAW HAW HAW!! Have fun in the [sneering] MILLIONAIRE'S camp!

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