How NICE that Dubya can take some time off to get away from whatever the hell it is he does these days to address a bunch of Job Creators in a quiet room in the Cayman Islands. What is the Cayman Islands Investment Summit, you might be wondering? It is exactly what you think it is, plus tennis.

The Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit, for those of you who are not familiar, will be held in a nice resort in the Cayman Islands in conjunction with a fancy tennis event, and will be a huge circle jerk for Job Creators wherein they can talk about tax avoidance strategies. Or, as they put it,

The Cayman Islands Alternative Investment Summit is an international conference that will bring together the world’s leading institutional investors, fund managers, academics, economists and regulators in the Cayman Islands – the world’s leading domicile for investment funds – to discuss and debate the fundamentals of a vibrant future for the alternative investments industry.

Yes, if we wanted to host an intelligent and nuanced debate about a complex topic, George W. Bush would certainly be one of our first choices too.  The “key theme” of the summit is ‘Innovation in Alternative Investments: Seeing What’s Next’. (Hint: avoiding taxes, probably.) Sadly, Mitt is too busy campaigning for president to visit the millions of dollars he stashes there (not to avoid taxes, of course) but maybe he can sent it a message via GW?

The Cayman Alternative Investment Summit is an opportunity for the industry’s elite to take an introspective look at itself, seeing where the industry has been and predicting where it will go in the future,” said Anthony Cowell, Partner in Alternative Investments at KPMG in the Cayman Islands and Editorial Chair. “KPMG is proud to be at the centre of the event and looks forward to the stimulating and thought provoking debate, set against the backdrop of the domicile of choice for alternative investments.

This all makes perfect sense.  Who doesn’t immediately conjure up visions of tennis, a seaside resort, and George W. Bush when they think of “stimulating and thought provoking debate”?


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  • Come here a minute

    The Republican National Committee is arranging for George W. Bush's role in the Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit to last from now through election day.

    • miss_grundy

      Isn't this a seminar that's produced by Bain Capital, the people who brought you "harvested companies"????

    • tessiee

      And then he's gonna, um, "die in his sleep".

      • Negropolis

        What you meant to say is that he's going to Diebold from a vote overdose, of course.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Now that's a Job Fair I wouldn't mind attending!!

  • UnholyMoses

    Maybe he can say hello to some of Romney's money while he's there.

    • Please.

      W's estimated net worth is around $26 million.

      Romney's is around ten times that.

      Bush is lucky to be allowed on the same island as Romney' money.

      • Not_So_Much

        I've wondered about this because I thought Poppy and Evil Vindictive Hag Babs Bush were worth kajillions? Carlyle Group and whatnot?

        • Believe it or not, Bush pere is only worth around $60 million

          • Not_So_Much

            That surprises me. Between all the oil money and defense cash from Carlyle death toys, I assumed he was close to the $1B club. I'm surprised they let such paupers hang out on Martha's Vineyard.

          • tessiee

            Rich Texan on The Simpsons: HAW HAW HAW!! Have fun in the [sneering] MILLIONAIRE'S camp!

  • BartStarrland

    How come anything starting with the word 'alternative' always sounds hinky? – medicine, lifestyle, reality, ….investments.

    • BaldarTFlagass


    • Jus_Wonderin

      I always find it fun to throw alternative in to most any sentence.

      "Guys, I going into town to get an alternative carwash."

      "Mom, where is the alternative peanut butter?"

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "Oh, fuck, I'm out of alternative rum! To the alt-packy!"

      • elviouslyqueer

        "Honey, I would like to have alternative buttsecks tonight."

        • BaldarTFlagass

          "Hey, wait a minnit. That's not my ****!!!"

      • Baconzgood

        I find that snark alternative funny.

        (in a good way)

  • Schmannnity

    Won't he be surprised when he learns that Cow Men's Islands isn't in Texas.

    • tessiee

      AND Caiden Cowger is in West Virginia.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I predict that there will be a lot of interest in further investment in Third World child-labor sweatshops.

    Also, plastics, my boy. Plastics.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Not photovoltaic?

  • Mahousu

    "Alternative investments" is just a euphemism for "drug deals," right?

    • SmutBoffin

      Like "alternative porn", it just means that the participants have a lot of tattoos and piercings.

      • Mahousu

        I think these days, "alternative porn" is when they don't have a lot of tattoos and piercings.


        • Negropolis

          I know, right? It seems everyone I know my age has some kind of tattoo.

    • Chichikovovich

      Not necessarily. It also includes weapons deals with embargoed nations. And trade in adulterated penicillin for war veterans.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Harry Lime LLC?

        • IonaTrailer

          Harry Bawlsak LLC

        • Chichikovovich

          What can I say: I love the classics!

          Edit: (Though I'm pretty sure that there are no giant ferris wheels on Grand Cayman, so the climactic meeting between Joseph Cotten and Mitt Romney will have to take place on solid ground.)

  • nounverb911

    Where's a hurricane when you need one?

    • Unfortunately, the Mormons have banned blow jobs.

  • Will Shrub be talking in the hall, or clearing brush from the gardens?

  • coolhandnuke

    The Hague is where Dubya needs to hold his last conference.

  • SnarkOff

    The Investment Summit a tax write-off, also.

  • nounverb911

    Do the Cayman's extradite to The Hague?

  • noodlesalad

    I'm in the "How to Fudge Your Tax Returns To Make Yourself Look More Responsible When Running for Public Office" track.

  • Baconzgood

    His speech is titled "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.”

    • Unicorns: Developing Market or Mythical Creatures?

  • Terry

    Imagine spending all the money to attend that conference, then the advice you get is from GW Bush. Bush, you failed at business after business. His strategy for success was allowing his father's friends and political associates to fix his messes.

  • This probably pays better than the RNC anyway

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "How many is a Brazillion?"

    • Nostrildamus

      Enough to leave you heirless.

    • sewollef

      Brazillion? It's a thong shy of a full frontal, of course.

    • MissTaken

      None, nada, nothing.

  • now watch this drive

    • AddHomonym

      Or lob, or whatever you call it.

    • Negropolis

      Dubya, tennis: You're doing it wrong.


  • I hope W does to the Cayman Islands Finance Community like he's done to everything else he's worked on.

    • SmutBoffin

      I anticipate nothing less than a blasted landscape and refugee camps everywhere.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um, didn't he engineer 700 billion to his friends just before he left office?….

      • HogeyeGrex

        That 700bil was just the tip of the iceberg.

        Mind you, that was from 11/08. I've got a link somewhere that tallies twice that much. Can't be arsed to find it, though.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I hope he gets bit by a grouper.

    • SmutBoffin

      Yeah, bitten right in the votes.

    • miss_grundy

      A shark jumps out of the water to bite him…….

      *with votes*

      • Mittaplasia

        But…what about that professional courtesy thingy?

    • emmelemm

      Stingray barb… right to the heart!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What, Sarah Palin was already booked?

    • docterry6973

      Palin's idea of an investment is buying a crate of paper towels at Sam's Club. Those Cayman island guys already know how to do that.

  • "Alternative Investment" certainly doesn't sound like a flimsy euphemism for theft, does it? Can we just fuckin' revoke the passports of every single motherfucker who attends that conference and freeze all their assets while we're at it? We'd all be better off without them.

  • Baconzgood

    "I can't divulge information about that customer's secret illegal account…OH crap…"

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I certainly hope they start the meeting with the pledge of allegiance because it would so very unpatriotic not to.

    • PubOption

      "I pledge allegiance to my money, and the country in which it stands, until I get a better deal from somewhere else…"

  • Serolf_Divad

    Yeah, this year… but next year it'll be Mitt Romney.

  • LibertyLover

    Here's a preview of his speech: "Lame joke…..Blah, Blah Blah… tax cuts….blah, blah, blah… economy…. blah, blah, blah…. and finally, hey, watch this drive!" Because, golf course, duh.

  • Baconzgood

    Jokes on all of them because the Cayman Island Alternative Investment Summit is just an elaborate time share pitch.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Ooh. Win.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "My alternative investment advice to you is to borrow a boatload of money from your parents and their pals; buy a professional baseball team; hold a city to ransom to build you a new ballpark; and sell the team after that ballpark makes the team worth four times as much as it was. Thank you taxpayers!!!"

  • mr bojangles

    romney is itching to go…may sneak away from the campaign this weekend…go disguised as a mexican.

    • old_blu

      I noticed Romneys skin and hair are getting darker, he looks more and more hispanic all the time.

    • CivicHoliday

      He'll be Skyping from the horse barn

  • kittensdontlie

    When all the attendees reach zero tax liability, then mission accomplished.

  • mavenmaven

    Reminds me of guantanamo

    • Negropolis

      Yes, but with fewer terrorists.


  • OneYieldRegular

    This is one instance where rising sea levels can't rise fast enough.

    • HogeyeGrex

      They could if there were a tsunami.

  • Miss him yet, Mitt?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Wait. Richard Branson is going to be the other keynote speaker? Oh please let this be an opportunity for W to ask the immortal chestnut "So, how is your queen?" so that Sir Dickie can reply, "Oh he's doing great. And Kate's doing fabulously as well."

  • ProgressiveInga

    Did you know that in the Cayman's they show their disrespect for people by throwing flip-flops at them?

    True story.

  • "Rarely the question is asked: is our tax accountants leaning?"

    • Chichikovovich

      Because the answer is always: They sure are!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Do the Caymans have brush?

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Not for long

  • MonkeyMotion

    In a contest of 'Who Can Put A Shoe In His Mouth First', the race between W and Mittens would be very close (and very entertaining).

  • sudsmckenzie

    Is our tax havens learning?

    • Wilcoxyz

      Is our investments earning?

  • decentcitizen

    The Caymans -where money takes a vacation!

  • gullywompr

    Because Bush has such a good track record with money…

  • mrpuma2u

    Alternative to paying their fair share of taxes most likely. Fucking tax dodging pikers.

  • Beowoof

    Do the Caymans have an extradition treaty with any of the countries that have indicted him for War Crimes, oh please, please.

  • calliecallie

    "…to discuss and debate the fundamentals of a vibrant future for the alternative investments industry."

    This seems as ominous and more incidious than the military-industrial complex.

    • PsycWench

      I was wondering why they are discussing a vibrant future for something they've clearly been doing for years already.

  • coolhandnuke

    Another one of those pesky, misleading typos. Should read; Gayman Island Alternative Investment Summit. The event's big draw is a boatload of closeted GOP men in grass skirts made from U.S currency and coconut bras get to climb and mount Marcus Bachmann.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Summit = submit?

  • magic_titty

    "Invest in 'Merica. And dungarees. Thank you. Now let's have some chow."

  • delaney_blom

    Is "alternative investment" when the LGBT community fixes up a shitty neighborhood?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      They always have such fabulous front doors.

    • tessiee

      That means the Lesbian couple across the street from me will make my shitty neighborhood worth something!

  • ThundercatHo

    "Nuke the entire site from orbit, it's the only way to be sure."

  • AddHomonym

    "Good morning ladies and gentlemen. Strategery. Thank you very much. God bless."

  • Nostrildamus

    You know, "Pull my finger" only goes so far in a "stimulating and thought-provoking debate".

    • HogeyeGrex


  • sewollef

    Look. I know hints and that was no hint. It was a downright outing, right there on the front page.

  • anniegetyerfun

    So, "elite" is good now?

    • Superior to 'courier' at least.

  • CommieDad

    So how much do you think Mitt paid for them to keep Dubya occupied?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Probably too much, as all it would take to keep Dubya occupied is some rolled up foil or shiny keys on a chain.

      • CommieDad

        I know George would speak at the Cayman islands in exchange 20% off his registration fees. But how much did Mitt pay the cayman islands to put up with him?

    • tessiee


      He gave him a piece of paper with "Look on other side" written on both sides.

  • OT

    While they are digging around in Roseville, Michigan for Jimmy Hoffa do you think they'll find John Mitchell's long-missing cuff link and Chuck Colson's missing tie tack?

    • coolhandnuke

      That stuff is still lodged in G. Gordon Liddy's colon.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Y'know, just the idea that this war criminal who engineered the loss of half my savings, along with most of America, can just smarm the rest of his life away in continual pleasure just reassures me that the God I grew up with has lost his powers….

    • Jus_Wonderin

      …and that almost 1/2 of US voters had lost their minds. Sad.

  • sewollef

    Aah, the Cayman Islands….. I'm saving up to go myself. Alternatively, I could go to City Island, The Bronx.

  • rickmaci

    I keep hearing about everybody putting their moola in Ameros. Whatzthat all about? Think Shrubby will talk to me about that?

  • grex1949

    "Alternative" to what? Oh, never mind. I guess it's "Alternatives to Investing in the U.S. Economy". Or maybe "Alternative to Paying your Fair Share of Income Tax"? You People are all the same. Always carping at us job creators, complaining about our hard-earned inherited wealth while not doing an honest day's work in your entire lives, sitting around waiting for us to give you food, medical care, housing, you name it.

  • Antispandex

    George Bush is going to give you investment advice. RUN! No, wait, come back…OVERSEAS investment advice…Whoa, damn, that was wierd for a second.

  • GAH! How did they pack so much ugly into one web page?

    (Don't answer that.)

  • James Michael Curley

    When is this, next month? Do you think Dubya will figure out how to fill out an absentee ballot application or will he need Conan the Librarian to help him?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Need to start Obama petition making it illegal for war criminals to enter U.S., stat.

  • Yellerdawg

    <Excerpt from speech>

    "Ahem…gentlemen, it's time to re-think our strategeries. From now on, let's pledge as a group to pay our fair share of taxes to support the great nation which provides us with the infrastructure we rely on to be successful. Hah! Got you there! I could totally see Donald lookin' at me like, 'You're fired!'"

  • cheetojeebus

    So, Is it business harvesting season? I wonder if there are any traditional field hollers sung?

  • MistaEko

    Now sounds like a good time to short Cayman Islands.

  • i wonder if romney would be as much of a disaster as bush.

    i sincerely we hope that doesn't get put to the test.

  • johnnymeatworth

    He must be banking on the attendees never having read My Pet Goat.

  • ahnc

    I wonder if Bush will bring his bike to the Caymans?

    • cousinitt

      Psst, suggest to W that he try shark jumping on his BMX. I hear it's popular with the Goopers these daze.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    All the shoes that will be thrown are Barker Black.

  • Pithaughn

    He he. they invited the academics, economists and regulators so they would have somebody to "pretend" bury in the beach sand.

  • Isyaignert

    Is "alternative" the new word for 'illegal'?

  • GeorgiaBurning

    The keynote speakers are an idiot stooge and a Brit who needs to unload an airline; the "industry" people look like a lot of empty suits who've provided their DMV pictures instead of good head shots. (The pics taken on the boat at least look like humans) The best "Alternative Investment" strategy coming out of this bunch is stuffing your cash into a pillow case and sleeping on it. What's next for W? Pitching reverse mortgages on cable?

  • DahBoner

    Lesson One: "How to Cheat Black People Out of Their Welfare Checks"

    DON'T PAY TAXES HA HA HA, added Mitt by video feed…

  • Romney is the keynote speaker in 2013

  • docterry6973

    And it happens on November 1-2. Gosh, I hope that this doesn't cause a fuss that will reflect badly on Mitt a week before the election.

    And so many nice picture and names, to add to my hit, er, Christmas card list.

  • tessiee

    I still don't miss him yet.

  • dennis1943

    The man needs a vacation………………there are only so many places to go where he need not worry about being arrested…….

  • tessiee

    Brilliant example of typical Republican strategy:
    Send the *last* spoiled rich kid who ran the country off a cliff to go make a speech in the country where the *current* spoiled rich kid is hiding his corporate raider millions.

  • owhatever

    The Republicans get how arrogant this looks, but they just don't care.

  • Negropolis

    "Alternative investments"? You have got to be shitting me.

  • ChessieNefercat

    Well, that certainly sounds more dignified than a meeting of "tax-dodging, unpatriotic*, fuckwads."

    *unpatriotic covers whatever countries that money should be in.

  • The Cayman Island's isn't one of those countries that wants to arrest him as a war criminal, is it?

  • ttommyunger

    Oh well, at least he shouldn't have an opportunity to mangle the word: Nuclear.

  • lulzmonger

    "I believe that man & fish tax-shelter can live in peace together."

  • deliman4

    Can we vote him off the island?

  • JCE1985

    "I'm sorry, but I can't divulge information about that customer's secret, illegal account."

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