Stranger dangerWell this is gross and awful. Larry Klayman, who made his bones with Judicial Watch, which was constantly suing Bill Clinton every time he sneezed (with his penis), and who most recently has been writing for WND and representing totally rad heavy metal children’s entertainer Bradlee Dean, may have sexually abused his own children! Ha? Ha? Hilarious?

Specifically, Larry Klayman was appealing a Cuyahoga County court order regarding visitation and his wife’s attorney’s fees, and the court found that previous magistrates had not been in error when they took away his visitation rights and awarded his ex-wife a shitload of money.

From BradleeDeanInfo, via CityPages:

From Appeals Court Judge Mary Boyle, July 26,2012 [PDF]

{¶25} The issues raised by Klayman involve credibility assessments made by the magistrate. Klayman challenges these findings. The magistrate heard evidence from the children’s pediatrician who reported allegations of sexual abuse to children services, and from a social worker at children services who found that sexual abuse was “indicated.” Although the social worker’s finding was later changed to “unsubstantiated” when Klayman appealed, the magistrate explained that the supervisor who changed the social worker’s finding did not testify. The magistrate pointed out that he was obligated to make his own independent analysis based upon the parties and the evidence before him. In doing so, the magistrate found on more than one occasion [Klayman] act[ed] in a grossly inappropriate manner with the children. His conduct may not have been sexual in the sense that he intended to or did derive any sexual pleasure from it or that he intended his children would. That, however, does not mean that he did not engage in those acts or that his behavior was proper.

{¶26} The magistrate further found it significant that although Klayman denied any allegations of sexual abuse, he never denied that he did not engage in inappropriate behavior with the children. The magistrate further found it notable that Klayman, “for all his breast beating about his innocence * * * [he] scrupulously avoided being questioned by anyone from [children services] or from the Sheriff’s Department about the allegations,” and that he refused to answer any questions, repeatedly invoking his Fifth Amendment rights, about whether he inappropriately touched the children. “Even more disturbing” to the magistrate was the fact that Klayman would not even answer the simple question regarding what he thought inappropriate touching was. The magistrate stated that he could draw an adverse inference from Klayman’s decision not to testify to these matters because it was a civil proceeding, not criminal.

This does not mean Larry Klayman is guilty. (Because we are liberals.) There are lots of reasons a man might have touched his children, on the real, and we are not privy to the testimony. Also, if anyone is going to constantly invoke the Fifth Amendment when he has the opportunity to clear his name, it is Larry Klayman, because he is a crazy person. It just means fucking ew.

[BradleeDeanInfo, via CityPages]

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  • Come here a minute

    Because of course.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, once them little bastards are out of the womb, they're fair game.

    • If they're old enough to crawl they are in the right position.

      I'll show myself out.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I was going to edit and put quotes around that so no one would think that was "me" talking, but you responded and aced me out just in time.

        • Hey, if we can't make these sorts of disturbing jokes anonymously on Wonkette, where can we make them?

      • We'll go together. I did myself one, good and proper.

    • Apparently, that's the Republican argument.

  • Goonemeritus

    I can only hope that he and Bradlee’s sexy-times are consensual.

    • Nowisallthereis

      I hope they are not. And often.

  • fucking ew and then some.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Cuyahoga County? Isn't that in…. OHIO!?!?!

    • Terry

      The Heartland and all that, yes.

    • OzoneTom

      If that is the Cuyahoga River, then I am okay with it catching on fire again.

      Just the part under him of course.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The magistrate further found it significant that although Klayman denied any allegations of sexual abuse, he never denied that he did not engage in inappropriate behavior with the children.


    • Terry

      An innocent man would have been denying the inappropriate behavior from the rooftops.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Again, not necessarily evidence of guilt; he refused to "even answer the simple question regarding what he thought inappropriate touching was."That's not necessarily the strategy of a guilty man so much as the strategy of a paranoid (and lawyer) who doesn't want to provide anything that could potentially be used against him because he's certain that the opposition is out to get him.

      None of this makes him any less of an asshole in his choice of legal clients, of course.

  • Mojopo

    Would it not be in his best interests to clear his name, so his poor kids don't have to hear about this from schoolmates who have Google? Oh, this makes my heart hurt. Those poor kids, either way.

    • Antispandex

      I know. But, seriously, when did the conservatives ever care about children? I mean, once they are already born.

  • SorosBot

    I'm trying to think of a joke here, but nope, can't come up with one about this. Ugh fuck people.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's kinda hard to wring the yuks out of incestual sex abuse, real or alleged.

    • redarmyzombie

      Now you see, this is why we can't have nice things!

  • Baconzgood

    Show us on the doll where this Dave Thomas (SCTV Thomas) look alike touched you.

    • Trinket

      Take off, ya hoser!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Bob McKenzie libel, eh!

    • EarthboneRebel

      For the love of Sean Connery,leave Dave Thomas alone !

  • Isn't this a couple of daze early for a Cocktober Surprise?

    • 102415

      All the stores in my neighborhood have the Cocktober decorations on their shelves already.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    If you dress all in black, and you aren't an undergraduate or Johnny Cash, then you are a total douche.

    • SmutBoffin

      I would add "art gallery employee" and "death metal guitarist" to the list.

      • Geminisunmars


      • miss_grundy


      • montreal_bruin


        • GregComlish

          ninja? stagehand? Blaise chain-smoking affluent woman with great bitch lips?

          • jqheywood

            ♫♪Je veux seulement oublier, et puis je fume…♪♫

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Some people might say that he is dressed inappropriately and thus asking to have a splintered bat shoved into an orifice.

    • Terry

      Or a waiter.



      • Guppy

        No, pretty sure he qualifies as a douche.

    • Esteev


    • James Michael Curley

      Hey! I resemble that remark!

      James Michael Curley,
      Funerals Done Dirt Cheap, Inc.

      • I've seen your ads! "Tag 'em and Bag 'em and Throw Them In The Trash" right?

        • James Michael Curley

          Only if the East River is more than two blocks awau.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Oh, right – the ads that begin: "Not loved that much…?"

    • also: stage manager.

      i would say 'mime' but i'm not sure they only wear black and they are may be douches.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Doesn't that new papyrus they discovered say that Jesus was OK with this? Because I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere… maybe on the Judicial Watch website.

    • Antispandex

      If it's true (and, who are we kidding here), I'm thinking a mill stone around the neck is just about right.

  • mavenmaven

    Robert Novak's calling Klayman "a prickly troublemaker" was more on target than he knew…

  • Callyson

    Can't snark when it comes to child abuse. I just hope the ex-wife gets herself and the kids a good therapist with that shitload of money, and that they find a way to heal somehow…

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Yeah. My humor just turns to hate.

    • Terry

      …and a restraining order in case he doesn't go to jail.

  • CalvinsChoice

    Somehow, this is all Bill Clinton's fault.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Well, he can always pull a Newt Gingrich and say that it was love of country that made him molest his own kids.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Anything to do with a penis is Clinton's fault, silly liberal.

    • Geminisunmars

      I would have thought Obama's.

    • Antispandex

      Well, he was the first one in history to engage in sex with someone other that his wife, hence, leading us down the path to depravity.

  • Now, show us on the Republican elephant where the bad man touched you, son

  • There are lots of reasons a man might have touched his children, on the real, and we are not privy to the testimony.

    Yes. For example, there might have been a black widow spider on his penis. Or perhaps a vampire. Or a black vampire. Or a spider widow. Don't Praying Mantis eat their men?

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!

  • SmutBoffin


    This is good news……FOR NO ONE

  • Hey, Larry, I do not think the saying goes "Spare the bone, spoil the child."

    I'm just sayin'…

  • The answer to the question: Who Watches the Watchers?

    It's Pedobear… it's always been Pedobear.

    • Watching the Dick-tectives.

      • Boojum

        He's a too-ool.

  • Baconzgood


    *with votes*

    • Geminisunmars

      In this case, votes not required.

      • Baconzgood

        (my previous comment is 100% snark free)

      • jqheywood

        Amen. From the father of two kids as well…

    • Toomush_Infer

      As a father of four kids – I hope she took every cent he's ever made or is going to make, and someone lights his cardboard box on fire with him in it….

    • redarmyzombie

      Consensus agrees, we can do without votes this time.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Every time I feel guilty for (my mother's sake) that I've completely cut off all contact with my own sexually abusive father, seeing your reaction to this kind of story makes me feel a whole lot better about my decision. Thanks.

  • PsycWench

    This must have been some pretty inappropriate touching if the children's pediatrician is the person who reported it.

    • Steverino247

      Yup. That's my professional experience with such matters. Although, some doctors report everything to cover their asses, which leads to real confusion elsewhere. There's no more shitty cases than child custody cases, my friends.

    • Yeah I can't imagine what it would take to set off that alarm short of bleeding orifices. Or maybe she got a look at Dad's whole vibe and thought "uh-oh." Kind of a no-brainer when you think about it.

    • It could have just been a really bad bruise from a spanking.

      And dildoeing.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        The kids fell and hit a doorknob….down…there.

  • Schmannnity

    He should have to post a sign on all of his WND and Judicial Watch posts:


    • Barrelhse

      Best to leave out the "INCESTUOUS". He'd only appeal to that many more wingnuts.

  • coolhandnuke

    Just a reminder to kids and adults everywhere–steer clear of Republicans wearing Members Only jackets. Or any member of the Republican party.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Especially Republican's members….

  • noodlesalad

    This is when I say fuck it and turn off the internets and find the nearest alcoholic beverage. Usually it happens earlier but I actually had shit to do today. But not anymore.

  • In doing so, the magistrate found on more than one occasion [Klayman] act[ed] in a grossly inappropriate manner with the children.


    He expressed his political opinions????


    • MaxNeanderthal

      Doesn't mean he's guilty??? Fuck that. Nail 'im up!

  • Baconzgood

    "children’s entertainer Bradlee Dean"

    Linkey is brokey.

  • eggsacklywright

    More than his feet are made of Klay, eh?

  • Schmannnity

    Maybe Ken Starr can get to the bottom of this with 7 or 8 years of investigation and a budget between $75 and $100 million.

  • Terry

    " he refused to answer any questions, repeatedly invoking his Fifth Amendment rights, about whether he inappropriately touched the children."

    Good Lord. He's like Sandusky with a big more legal savvy.

  • Hammiepants

    Ugh, such hypocrites these people are. Clinton has extra-marital but consensual sex, he's a depraved monster, this dude apparently felt up his own kids, and he's calling people out on their sexual proclivities. Fucking republicans.

  • Serolf_Divad

    Bill Donohue blames Klayman's gayness in 5… 4… 3…

    • Terry

      Bill Donohue is currently taking the gas pipe as Obama is ahead with Catholics, including white Catholics. Might make him wonder who his Catholic League represents. No, that would require self awareness.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Future Avignon Pope of the American Southern strain of Anti-Papist Protestantism, Tim Dolan?

        Timmy D & Billy D need to admit their apostasy & leave the Church & convert to the Redneck Biblebleaters that they have always been.

    • Esteev

      I was thinking the same thing.

      But Bill has a new art gallery showing so…

  • HogeyeGrex

    Ah, the loudmouthed Republican fringe. Taking the moral high ground as always, I see.

    Seriously. Fuck this guy.

  • PsycWench

    I thought only gays molested children.

    • Esteev

      You do the math.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Isn't that why gays want to marry? So they can molest children?

  • kittensdontlie

    "Larry Klayman is a prickly troublemaker uncongenial to party and ideological establishment." The late Robert Novak, columnist.

    He was more prickly than anyone ever knew.

    • ttommyunger

      Takes one to know one….Glad he's bunking with Breitbart.

  • DaveJ

    The more conservative a person is, the more rank and horrific will be the thing that eventually brings them down. Pretty much a guaranteed fact of life at this point.

    Also "and that he refused to answer any questions, repeatedly invoking his Fifth Amendment rights, about whether he inappropriately touched the children" is deeply disturbing. If the answer is "no," then why not say "no." If the answer is ANYTHING other than "no," then let's fire up the wood chipper.

  • I feel bad for his kids. But people obsessed with other peoples' sex lives send up a red flag right away. Now about that Ken Starr fellow…

  • Antispandex

    Of course it's only bad when lierals do it, hippies! You remember when a certain portly conservative talker was caught with illegal prescrition meds, and then was later busted on a return trip from an apparent sex-cation? That is perfectly acceptable behavior because he wasn't an ELECTED official. See, where you screwed up there? Morals are for elected persons, and when they are caught, you need to check for their party affiliation. (R) = Unsubstantiated rumor. (D) = Impeachable offense. It couldn't be more logical.

  • lulzmonger

    Surely noone could have predicted there would be a link between conservativism & pedophilia!

  • They were there, he was horny. This is for the emergency room to sort out surely.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Gay marriage is to blame for this.

    • Wait. He married Bradley Dean????

  • cheetojeebus

    so stabby, so very very stabby right now.

    also ball punchy.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Larry Klayman, who made his bones with Judicial Watch, which was constantly suing Bill Clinton every time he sneezed (with his penis),"

    Hey Larry, at least my "victims" were all consensual and of legal age in all 50 states. And not related to me.
    —Bill Clinton

    • Steverino247

      Not to mention the fact they all reached orgasm.

    • Toomush_Infer

      If my bloated memory serves, Monica was only upset that "the creep" wouldn't call her…

    • Boojum

      "And I do mean ALL 50 States. Plus most Territories."

  • SoBeach

    …Klayman would not even answer the simple question regarding what he thought inappropriate touching was.

    As a parent I can tell you that's about the easiest goddam question in the world to answer.

    Ew indeed.

  • bureaucrap

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, let someone in the Romney campaign hire Klayman to do an endorsement spot…

  • Terry

    That photo was taken at one of the overlooks at Great Falls Park, just north of DC. I plan on driving there immediately and pouring bleach on the spot.

  • sullivanst

    Disgusting pig is pig, and disgusting… allegedly.

  • No snark. Disgusting to the nth degree.

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Republicans striking another blow for family values!

    • It's just me, right? It's just me?

      I read that as "stroking." I'm sick, I know. I'll get help.

      • redarmyzombie

        It's not you, MittBorg; it's the Conservatards.

        Allegations of an Obama conspiracy in 5…4…3…

    • LibertyLover

      You keep using those words. I don't think it means the same thing as they (some Republicans) think it means.

  • decentcitizen

    This is so disturbing I can't even gloat.

  • ElPinche

    Ug…I had a commented loaded and ready but I refrain. Sick ass fuck.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Put the safety on that bud. You wouldn't want to inadvertantly pull the…that thing we can't say.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Roy Roger's horse?…

  • Steverino247

    Sexual abuse allegations are the nuclear weapons of contested child custody matters.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      At the height of our divorce, it was quite heated. I always worried she might pull this on me. So, I lived in fear until things calmed down. Now we can consider ourselves sorta friends. Thanks Dog!

      • Steverino247

        The really shitty cases you hear about all the time are actually more rare than most people think. The better you get along, the easier it is on the kids, but a lot of people don't get that right away.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Oh, I do understand that. I took a lot of crap just to make sure we at least looked united in front of the daughter.

  • Jeezus. This makes me so sick. The poor poor kids. I want to go indulge in fantasies of doing horrible things to this horrible man now.

  • FNMA

    Thank Jeebus it's not too early to start drinking.

  • emmelemm

    I find this genuinely impossible to masturbate to.

  • Nostrildamus

    We have our 2016 GOP nominee !!!

  • LibertyLover

    You had me at "writing for WND." Ew to infinity.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Frankly I am shocked to hear that a worthless douchebag republican asshole who became "famous" because of the Clenis would have any unusual sexual proclivities.
    Oh, and fuck you you sick fuck

  • iTuna

    Hey everybody. Don't fuck kids.

  • rickmaci

    Excuse me for a few minutes. I need to go pour bleach in my eyes for having read this story.

  • barto

    Throw him in the river and light it on fire. If he sinks, he's innocent.

  • Guppy

    representing totally rad heavy metal children’s entertainer Bradlee Dean

    So tempted to blame this on Minnesota Forward…

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hey, I'm thinking Ayn Rand….

      • Guppy

        How does she figure into the Six Degrees of Money Laundering?

        • Boojum

          All of them, Katie. Pick a degree, she's there.

  • old_blu

    A little game of peepee touch? You puke.

  • ChrisM2011

    If he was running for office and this got out, his donations would probably have doubled. "Typical liberal smears!!"

  • LibrarianX

    Note to Larry: your look (aging rock star) is totally not working.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Bad person is bad in unexpectedly horrible ways. Sad IceCreamEmpress is sad for those children.

  • docterry6973

    I would much prefer that he were allegedly caught with a Lady (or Rentboy) of Ill Repute, because I could enjoy such schadenfreude while snarking about his alleged misconduct. Not this.

  • Brett_Bakes

    You know who else wore tight black jeans? “Now, who could it be? Could it be … SATAN?”
    Or this self-loather.

  • DahBoner

    Fifth Amendment Rights


    This is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

    Not that a Republican is a child molester.


    That he could count up to five, huh???

    • horsedreamer_1

      One, two, three, four…. FIF!!!!!!!!!

  • Doesn't Romney have money in Klayman's Islands?

  • ttommyunger

    Oh, he's guilty all right. This slimy little toad actually sued his own mother….Look it up.

  • CivicHoliday

    Here is the only rule you need to know Larry: if you aren't changing a diaper or giving a bath, DON'T TOUCH THOSE PARTS

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