lady in the streets but a freak in the chamber

Gentleman Scholar Todd Akin Laments Claire McCaskill’s Loss Of Ladydom

where's your spaghetti now, senator?

Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin is back in the Missouri Senate race … because he never left it, son.

Having weathered the storm caused by the liberal media pretending he thinks vaginas are washing machines for rape sperm (truth: he thinks they are car washes for rape sperm), Todd Akin now has to figure out how to appeal to lady voters once again.

Condescending sexism should do the trick quite nicely!

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[A] new comment isn’t likely to help his efforts to appeal to women voters: Akin noted that his opponent, Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill, was more “ladylike” during the 2006 campaign.

“I think we have a very clear path to victory, and apparently Claire McCaskill thinks we do, too, because she was very aggressive at the debate, which was quite different than it was when she ran against Jim Talent,” Akin told the Kansas City Star. “She had a confidence and was much more ladylike (in 2006), but in the debate on Friday she came out swinging, and I think that’s because she feels threatened.”

If we were Claire McCaskill (or a lady), we would actually be offended more by this than by the “legitimate rape” comments. At least the legitimate rape comments made lady parts into something with superheroic, magical abilities. A vagina with the ability to stop a crime – well, part of a crime – from happening as it happens? You ladies could have gone to your OB/GYN, who would naturally be Ron Paul, and said, “Please inspect my delicate Avenger.” Do you know what we would give to pee out of Captain America???

Instead, Senator McCaskill just gets shoehorned into a hoary old sexist box that doesn’t allow her to do anything put smile politely and serve cookies as an insane man rambles in her face. The only superhero that reminds us of is Aquaman before he got the hook hand, and at that point, you’re not even really a superhero, you’re just an animal-obsessed schizophrenic who couldn’t make the Olympic swim team.

[National Journal]

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224 comments

      1. Dudleydidwrong

        If Marilyn Chambers came up behind him and said, "Boo!" Akin would shit his drawers and descend into a little heap on the floor.

  1. DerrickWildcat

    My professional opinion on all this hub-bub is that the GOP have given up on Romney and have shifted their focus on the Senatorial races. This is why the GOP have done a 180 and are now supporting Akin.
    Oh, and Birds rock man! Totally rock!

      1. sullivanst

        I was gonna go with "Pics or GTFO", but sure, you just had to go and be polite about it so now I'd look bad if I said that…

      1. DerrickWildcat

        Aw shucks folks. It didn't end well for the Aztec Dancer. Shortly after shot was taken, the Painted Turtle snapped at him and missed, but I'll be goed to hell if he didn't land right back on the Turtle's nose. Well you know how those Dragonflies are. The Turtle got him the second time. The Marsh I took this at has long since dried up. There's just very little open water around here anymore. I sure hope we get hella snow this Winter to charge up the wetland areas again for the spring or I'm going to be taking a lot of pictures of dirt.

  2. noodlesalad

    Toddy, if she didn't brutally assault you with a cane, I think she treated you with more respect than you deserved, and certainly more than most people would have given you.

    He's one of those true old-school gentlemen, the kind that would invoke the right of Primae Noctis or flog the serfs for not groveling enough when he rode by.

    1. finette_

      I'm 31 and it's STILL one of my favorite movies (though I acknowledge the regrettable racism of Si and Am the cats).

        1. BoatOfVelociraptors

          What I'm trying to get at is that provinciality is a function of distance. Given that we have an internet, and video chat services, the distance between hong knong and Muncie is measured in milliseconds and languages.
          Many social traditions and biases we learn and use as heuristics were formed because of the great cost of travel. As trains, airplanes, automobiles, phones, and internets reduced the cost of communicating with another person, we have become a little bit less genocidal, tribal, and racist.
          It's a long slog, to be sure. Some people will be set in their ways, and they vote. But You start with stonewall, you move to an epidemic, then you get on tv and the internet, into the millitary, you can see how homosexuality is becoming normalized. It takes time, it should take less time, but what are you gonna do?

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            I dunno, but I saw "Song of the South" in the theater. And then again on the "Wonderful World of Disney" teevee show sometime in the early 70's.

            We still have the Disney version of the Uncle Remus story book somewhere about the house. That's pretty rich, too.

            Also there are at least four (more or less harmless) racial stereotypes in "The Aristocats." Still a pretty great movie.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Enh. I dunno. It seems a bit more clever than making Barry dick jokes to be honest.
        Black people have large penises = stereotype.

        Conjoined twins named Si and Am = nym joke.
        Making them Siamese cats with yowly high pitched voices = Siamese cats.
        Making them them unmistakably asian with the eyes = Enh, point taken.
        Making them villians? It's a job.

        You can take if you please. You can take it if you don't please. They owned it.

        1. viennawoods13

          Well, to be fair,aren't there also a lot of jokes here about Joe Biden's penis being of unusual size? And he's pretty darn white.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      I was going to go for "Ladylike? So he wants her in the kitchen, pregnant from a legitimate rape?" but wevs.

    2. Not_So_Much

      shit. I inserted a lousy one below because I missed your comment. Sorry!

      <insert some k9 skullfuckery here>

    1. noodlesalad

      Yes. I'm looking forward to Ahmadinejad's rebuttal which will feature an ACME rocket and some roller skates.

    2. miss_grundy

      I wish someone would kick Bibi in the nuts because the more he talks, the less sympathetic I am toward Israel. If he wants canon fodder for Iran let him send his own people.

      1. MosesInvests

        He can f*cking go himself if he wants-most Israelis want no part of it. And I think he's going down in the next election.

    3. Negropolis

      I saw it. That guy is a fuckin' looney bin, and that anyone sees him as less crazy that President Immadinnerjacket have deluded themselves. How in the hell does Bibi keep coming back? Come on, Israel. Stop electing fucking neo-cons.

      1. MosesInvests

        It's not so much that Israelis elected Bibi, but rather he was able to form a coalition with the !@$@# religious parties. Those who want a multi-party system here in the US, look at the downside.

        1. Negropolis

          Yes, but Likud is extremist all by its lonesome. It just gets to carry out its more carnal wishes because the right was given a mandate, or shorts.

          And, really, Avigdor fuckin' Lieberman as foreign minister and deputy prime minister? Are you effing kidding me? I mean, that'd be like making Steve King of Iowa Secretary of State. I complain a lot about American politics, but Israeli politics have gone completely off the cliff when it comes to foreign policy. Even Kadima is not what anyone would hardly call dovish on foreign policy, and I think even Labor would best be described as pragmatic.

  3. Beowoof

    Hey now Claire just you don't be talking back to the menfolk now. Don't get all uppity like you might have rights or thoughts or any of that.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Claire McCaskill started off the evening in an unladylike manner by leaving her kitchen, and it went downhill from there. And you know what's really unladylike? Victory speeches. I wouldn't put it past her if she tries one, either.

  5. emmelemm

    Do you know what we would give to pee out of Captain America???

    I'd rather pee ON Captain America, if you know what I'm sayin'.

    Well, and for the record, I'd rather pee on Robert Downey, Jr. or Chris Hemsworth, but I digress.

  6. WhatTheHolyHeck

    My vagina would like him to fuck himself into a coma with an unripe pineapple.

    Sideways.

    Figuratively.*

    * Literally

  7. OneYieldRegular

    Akin really needs to put his glasses back on, pick up his pitchfork, and get back to standing around in American Gothic.

      1. OneYieldRegular

        How does the Internet manage to keep doing this, think all one's thoughts before one has even had them?

  8. JaceWyatt

    Maybe he was molested by a lady as a kid and is holding that anger in. He'd do better just getting it all out his system tourette-like: legitimate-fucking-slut-whore-ladylike-bitch!

  9. mavenmaven

    Obviously something is wrong with McCaskill's lady parts (hence she's not ladylike) because according to Akin's understanding of biology, her vagina should have censored any aggressive words she might use, much as it censors hostile sperm.

  10. Mumbletypeg

    Let someone lock him in a kennel with Louis Gohmert interrupting him every time he opens his mouth with another cringe-worthy self-condemning derpload. I hope they both get worms.

  11. Callyson

    she came out swinging, and I think that’s because she feels threatened.

    No, actually, it was because (like me) she wants to bust your balls.

    OK, OK, with votes…

  12. Not_So_Much

    What the fuck does this guy have to do to get a little lady to make him a fucking sammich around here?!!

  13. Geminisunmars

    We watched 1/2 hour of the first episode. I was disappointed. I thought the premise and the setting would be interesting, but it was all improbable bloody gory super macho police dick.

  14. Dr_Zoidberg

    Why, I do believe I now have a case of the vapors! Oh, bless me, someone call the houseboy to fan me as I lay on my chaise lounge!

      1. chascates

        Perhaps the loss of his amigo Joe Lieberman and John McCain's increasing senility will force the Senator to search for warm companionship. And the teatards have already threatened to select another candidate in 2014.

        I can see him opening a tea shoppe in Georgetown with ham biscuits!

    1. Negropolis

      Look at her over there, on the veranda, fanning herself whilst drinking a Sweet Tea. She was asking for it. What a slut.

  15. ChessieNefercat

    I'll bet Akin thinks ladies that don't lie back and enjoy being legitimately raped are not being ladylike either.

    FOAD, Akin.

      1. weejee

        Gotta point there bobbert. The state's motto, Show Me is what too frequently happens at the Greyhound Bus depot. Most locales don't see that as a braggin' point. Do they give frequent flasher miles?

    1. Negropolis

      I'm still afraid. He's actually polling quite competitively, again, since America's attention span seems to be so. fucking. short!

      1. bobbert

        Well, Deadbeat Joe should be dead meat Joe, and wild wild West is now in a competitive district, so there's hope there. Minnesotans appear to put most of there crazies in that one district, so if 1-L loses, that will be news indeed.

  16. Nostrildamus

    Ladylike: floor-length skirts, petticoats, Dickensonian poetry …

    Let's see, what rhymes with "choad"?

      1. Nostrildamus

        A great Hope fell
        You heard no noise
        The Ruin was within
        Oh cunning wreck that blew no load
        And let no Witness view his choad

  17. Chet Kincaid_

    Allen West would have written on his blog in support (if not for his ever vigilant aide):

    "Courage, Todd Akin! Democrat women do not understand how to honor Man as the head of both civic and domestic affairs, and the shrill battleaxe McCaskill is no exception. Did you see the way the impudent and brazen Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was all dolled up at the Democrat Plantation Convention?! Never has a dame called out more for the firm hand of masculine rectitude to tame her audacious sauciness toward traditional values."

    1. T3rbo

      Jesus and or Regan would never have tolerated such harlotry. Will you, trusted reader, take up that cross of Galilee and throw the first stone? God, I miss the good old days, when blacks were content with just performing amusing dances and singing and women were content dying in childbirth…

  18. T3rbo

    Who in the hell really hates women this much? I am guessing Mr. Akin's mom used to tape his dick between his legs to hide it and dress him up as a girl. That is literally the only thing that makes sense-he is getting revenge with his misogynistic jihad against women, in the name of restoring the Old Ways

  19. BarackMyWorld

    I'm already pretty sure Barry's gonna lose my state, but it'll be worth standing in line for 3 hours to vote against this asshole.

    1. Callyson

      Let us know where to send the pizza, and which pizzeria you prefer. And thanks for your service to the nation.

  20. MissTaken

    I would say that Akin is a fucking dickless piece of rotten shit, but I'm far too ladylike for such words.

  21. natl_indecency_cmdr

    “Please inspect my delicate Avenger"

    Now that's ladylike. And, since you requested so politely, I believe I shall.

  22. TootsStansbury

    Fuck these assholes a thousand ways from Sunday. They need to go the fuck away. I am all for opposing parties but this shit has gotten completely out of hand. Godsdamnit enough all ready!

  23. Ixacacau

    As a lady I can assure Mr Akin that we certainly come out swinging (and voting) when some crotchety, inbred ignoramus tries to limit our legal, medical options. As for his appalling fantasy about rape: I expect nothing better from Todd.

  24. RALitherland

    This man's knuckle-dragging simian's campaign is now running mostly on child labor, with delusional home-schoolers pretending that disseminating his medieval tripe is a valuable civics lesson. Strewth. Poor kids.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "'Slaves, be obedient to your masters…' it says in the Bible, so all you home-schooled little obedient slaves start stuffin' envelopes and makin' phone calls. Now get to it!"

  25. docterry6973

    I think McCaskell was sufficiently ladylike. Mrs. Docterry assures me that she would have walked across the stage and hit him with a Louisville Slugger corked with votes.

  26. En_Buenora

    Well, if she was a legitimate lady, she'd have a way of shuttin' him down.

    Oh, wait — looks like that's what's happenin'. So, maybe Akin was right.

    1. Negropolis

      It's crazy. His first name is a perfectly acceptable "William" he he chooses, Todd. Really, man? You chose to go by Todd?*

      *No offense to guys whose actual name is Todd.

  27. Negropolis

    I was never a big fan of Claire to say the least, so it says something of the talents of Todd Akin that I'm now a rabid McCaskill fan.

    I hope Akin enjoys being legitimately defeated…with votes. 'Cause Claire's going to shut this shit down, son. You see, because Democracy has a way of shutting down the whole process.

    1. bobbert

      Unfortunately, Claire isn't Lady, she's a fucking Blue Dog. But a majority is a majority, so — like you — I'm a fan.

  28. dollymadison22

    Todd Akin is a buffoon, but Missouri is a red state now. Take away St. Louis and Kansas City and you've got Mississippi.

    1. Radiotherapy

      She cited colonists who “rose up and said, ‘Not in my home, you don’t come and rape my daughters and my … wife.
      Oh my, what is it with these circus freaks and rape?
      She pretty much matches his combover.

  29. Negropolis

    BTW, this man was born in NYC and went to college in Worcester and whose dad was a Harvard grad. Mommas and Poppas, don't move your babies to Missouri, por favor.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Srsly? I'l take your word for it as I refuse to give this corroded, vile mind any of more of my eyeball time.

      1. Negropolis

        Srsly. To be fair, he was raised in suburban St. Louis, but damn, he even sounds as if he was raised innn rural Missouri.

  30. Lot_49

    Anyone who's lived in Mizoor-uh (that's the part between KC and StL) will tell you that Todd Akin is just what they deserve. It's like Pennsylvania: two cities with rural Alabama in between.

    You still have to wonder why any woman anywhere would have so little self of steam as to vote for Akin, though.

    1. Negropolis

      Unlike Pennsylvania, the Alabama in between is often more than enough to overpower the cities, and unlike PA, even the suburbs seem to be conservative.

  31. Sassomatic

    I'd like to see Hillary zap him in the balls with her laser eyes, but she wouldn't deign to pay that much attention to him.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      they probably did this on purpose so they can justify their purging of the voter rolls to prevent voter fraud. "See, there's voter fraud! Purge the browns!!!"

  32. chascates

    He forgot to add that a real lady stays at home to care for her husband and children unless she's single in which case she's a slut.

  33. ElPinche

    I have nothing to say about that sack of shit Akin and POS repubes who waited it out for a few news cycles.

    However, I've always found it disturbing how Disney made Lady so damn hot.

  34. GemlikeFlame

    Obvs. The really striking thing here is that this buffoon continues to shove his foot in the same old mouth without apparently ever realizing that he's doing it. If the definition of psychosis is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, this jackass need a strait jacket and an arm full of lithium stat.

  35. CivicHoliday

    I love absolutely everything about the writing of this post, title to last sentence. As for the CONTENTS…well, as a Missourian and a woman, I just have to say, with due reverence to 2008, Bitch is the new Black, so shut the fuck up old man and let Claire baby kick your ass.

  36. ttommyunger

    Not paying too much attention to this fellow's idea of lady-like. Some say Todd Akin's idea of being "gentlemanly" is bearing his weight on his elbows whilst he bums the local Weblos Troop.

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