your newest entry in the annals of irony

Mitt Romney To Stone Cold Politifact Barack Obama

and if you don't like government health insurance, can i get a hell yeah?

Mitt Romney, that terrible, audacious liar, is going to approach the debates as a way of letting America know what a terrible, audacious liar Barack Obama is, because as Sun Tzu said, “Approach your weaknesses like the spineless sack of poo that you are.”

Mitt Romney plans to turn himself into a one-man truth squad during the first presidential debate next week, casting President Barack Obama as someone who can’t be trusted to stick to the facts or keep his promises.

Top Republicans are telegraphing Romney’s hard-line strategy for his faceoff with Obama, according to Mike Allen’s Playbook in POLITICO on Thursday. The debate plan comes during a presidential cycle where media fact-checkers have held a high profile and where an earlier effort by Democrats to cast GOP vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan as untrustworthy got results.

And let’s be honest (for once!): reporters will eat this mess up, because it’s a narrative and it lets them right the cosmic scales of justice in favor of not having to be unevenly mean as a part of their jobs. Ho hum.

Mitt Romney lies a lot more than Barack Obama (well, at least according to Politifact, which sometimes just decides that things are lies because they want to see a .gif of fire).

According to Politifact’s rating system, Mitt Romney’s statements have been judged Mostly False, False, or Pants on Fire 46% of the time, versus only 29% for President Obama. In the Pants on Fire category alone, Romney is more than four times as likely to suffer trouser immolation than the President. Nearly one in ten statements by Romney earned flaming slacks, versus one out of every fifty for Obama.

Even when Romney does tell the truth, according to Politifact, he’s much more likely to mix in some falsehoods. 48% of his non-false ratings were only “Half True,” compared with 35% for President Obama.

In fact, just a month ago, Romney’s campaign said that they did not give not a single fuck about no fact checkers, and that “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.”

One assumes that Romney will spend the entire debate calling Obama a liar, citing random things from fact checkers incorrectly, and then smiling his square-jawed smile at the camera in a vain attempt to connect with people at home who’ve always wanted to call a black man in a suit a liar. And it’s true, that is a lie, because Obama has a tracksuit on underneath so that he’ll feel comfortable.

Please check that last statement, Politifact. We need you now more than ever.


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    1. GeorgiaBurning

      He'll probably switch sides on a couple issues during a 90 minute debate, why waste staff finding out what's true or false?

  1. Boojum

    "No, sir, you do NOT wear boxers!" will be about the level of it.

    I hope Mitt steps on his dick so hard trying this that he can't pee for a month.

    1. mayor_quimby

      I have been using this phrase with friends about mittens, and they look at me funny. They're like, why would he step on his own dick? Exactly.

    2. sewollef

      If Mittens can step on his own dick, then he's a bigger man that I. Metaphorically speaking, not literally of course, couldn't be literally.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Perhaps he just has very, very short legs. They use a lot of perspective tricks and unusual camera angles to disguise it.

  2. mavenmaven

    I hope the Romney campaign fact-checks how to spell "massacre" for their internal documentation of how they lost the campaign.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      We will not be dictated to by fact-checkers, and by the way, it's spelled "massaker" because we say so!

    2. Beach_Bubba_Tex

      Mormons are a little touchy about the m-word. Much more comfy with the notion that Romney's campaign is "Armageddon Revealed."

    1. UnholyMoses

      ♫ I fell into a burning .gif of fire
      I went down, down, down
      And the flames went higher
      And it burns, burns, burns …
      the .gif of fire
      The .gif of fire ♫

    1. valthemus

      Mostly False —-> False —–> Pants on Fire —–> Anus in a Burn Ward —–> Satan Takes a Skin Graft with a Lava-coated Pitchfork Dipped in Acid

  3. memzilla

    Remember the Watson computer that won all that baksheesh on Jeopardy? Why can't we just hook it up to Politifact on the one side, and Mitt Rmoney on the other side, and spew out the result as a chyron crawl on the bottom of the screen?

    Real Time Bulls**t Detection! Other than the exploding microchips and sparking cables (from teh Mittbot, most likely), what could possibly go wrong?

  4. Ryy

    So Romney's plan is to try and convince people that they dont really know who this Obama character is, and best not trust him with the presidency? Romney does know Obama is the incumbent, right?

    1. mille derps

      I wonder if it's ever even occurred to Mitt that he's contemptible… I thought that was just for 'you people'?

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "an earlier effort by Democrats to cast GOP vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan as untrustworthy"

    Not "untrustworthy." More like "a fucking liar." As in, he'd rather climb a tree and tell you a lie than stay on the ground and tell you the truth.

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      Why does a Romney v. Obama truth match call up a mental image of a Mexican hairless attacking a Tyrannosaur..?

    2. Callyson

      earlier effort by Democrats

      With a major assist from FOX News, of all sources–even *they* had to admit his VP acceptance speech was riddled with errors.

    1. fuflans

      man repubs really do have a projection / transference thing don't they? they've spent the last four years hurling all of the criticisms bush received at obama. in most cases nonsensically. now ROMNEY's going after bamz for lying!?!? this is their plan?

      there are plenty of ways to attack the dems and plenty of weaknesses (hell, just staying on the economy would be better).

      i say AGAIN: who is running this campaign? clearly i was wrong about squirrels. they would be more focused.

    1. finallyhappy

      so I met Macho Man(Rest in Peace, dude) . I was then- as I am now- a short slight(ok, I was then) woman. I reached out and grasped his arm(clad in paisley spandex) and he said " DON'T TOUCH ME"

    1. viennawoods13

      Fuck, he always sounds like he's whining. I was listening to him on NPR while driving home today, and he is SO irritating to listen to, always sounds like he's asking for something.

    1. kittensdontlie

      And when Mittens' piece reaches the last 'row' in the campaign, he will be crowned the King Dick.—From The Official Rules According to the Wonkette

  6. UnholyMoses

    "Mitt Romney plans to turn himself into a one-man truth squad … "




  7. Ryy

    Mittens, here is your winning line for the debate "Well, how do you know a nigger's lyin'? His lips are moving!"

    You are welcome!

          1. emmelemm

            Got off track… I actually have a small, adorable female dog. Who occasionally makes a racist remark. Which is odd, because she's all black herself.

          2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            True story, a friend of mine once rescued a sheepdog from the pound who barked incessantly at black people. It would have been more awkward if she hadn't lived in Bothell.

  8. SmutBoffin

    Wait, I thought Mitt could only lie by violating the Second Law of Robotics. What gives?

    Is he some kind of…cyborg? Maybe a defective robot?

  9. CommieDad

    "I'm sorry Mr. President, but that's just not true. I am not a nice guy with no clue. I am a total asshole with no FUCKING clue."

    "No, it was the Democrat party that caused the financial crisis by allowing John Kerry to lose."

    "Bain capital received no money from the stimulus bill, so it is not true that the stimulus bill stopped us from going into a depression."

    "That is not true, my tax plan doesn't rely on bad numbers. It relies on magic."

  10. SayItWithWookies

    What's great about Mitt being the fact-checker is that he can just say that anything President Obama says is a lie, then pull the justification out of his hat. Um — that's the way this sort of thing works, right?

  11. coolhandnuke

    I thought fire-retardent magic underwear was standard issue to all Mormon Bishops and false witness bearers.

  12. Generation[redacted]

    Romney campaign: “we're not going to let our campaign be dictated by one-man fact-checkers"

  13. gullywompr

    Two guards are at the door. One always lies, the other always tells the truth. What question should you ask?

  14. ManchuCandidate

    In the next revision of Sun Tzu, it is going to say…
    "It is said that if you know your enemies and lie to yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred elections (in your mind); if you do not know your enemies but lie yourself, you will win all of them (in your mind); if you lie about your enemies and to yourself, you will be Mittens Rmoney, which is long nosed white person noise for idiot rich fatuous emotionally challenged dunce with mind of pudding.

  15. johnnymeatworth

    Is Barack even going to show up? I had just kind of assumed that he'd let Biden take the debates this time, leaving Ryan alone in whatever lean-to the VP debate is going to be held in.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I just keep picturing Old Handsome Joe with his brightest, most shark-like smile ever, just dying to get in there and by God reward himself for holding back on that silly, vicious bitch, Palin, four years ago.

      I sincerely hope that Ryan is sobbing and peeing by the end, especially after social-justice-Catholic Joe whips out his rosary beads and beats sex-obsessed-mean-spirited-Catholic Ryan with them.

      Hmm. Note to self; find out if the nuns on the bus will be there to cheer for Joe.

  16. PubOption

    Adding up Mittens numbers –
    Mostly false, false or pants on fire 46%
    Half true 48%
    That just leaves 6% for mostly true or true. And then he calls Barry a liar.

    1. idamagg

      The trouble with Romney is that he is trying to be everything for everybody. When he thought the populus was against the Affordable Care Act, he pledged to repeal Obamacare. When polls showed that more people liked the Affordable Care Act, he said he would keep parts of it when he is president. Someone said when he was talking to the Hispanic Crowd it appeared his hair was darker and he had a spray tan. I didn't notice that. When he talked to the Union workers, he tried to sound like he was one of them. Since he has lost much of the women vote, I am wondering if he will wear falsies when he talks to them.

  17. PuckStopsHere

    I believe the only time in this entire campaign that Willard told the truth was the one measly time when he didn't think anybody was recording him. Everything else has been bald-faced. All of it.

    1. bobbert

      Oh, I imagine he starts off his speeches with "My name is Mitt Romney"*, so there's some truth every speech.**

      * because otherwise the crowd might forget

      ** as far as we know.

    1. Beowoof

      If they just let Detroit go under as Mitt suggested they probably would have found the body while they were down there.

  18. Self-Uploader

    Given that he's already said he woulda killed Bin Laden, and saving the auto industry was his idea (retroactively), and there was that health care plan he took credit for until he didn't, why should this surprise us?

    1. Geminisunmars

      He just took credit for that health care plan again (shown on Blitzer's blitz today) to show that he actually does care about people. The whole thing is making Erick Erickson flinch.

  19. elviouslyqueer

    "Trouser Immolation" is right up there with "Squarebottom Ninnies" as possibly one of the greatest gay boyband names EVER.

  20. knuck1es

    Mitt Romney consistently telling the truth would a) completely destroy his chances and b) cause an internal server error. Kablooie!

    1. Gleem McShineys

      How awesome would that be if he fucking just goes divides-by-zero nutzoid and actually shows up to the debates in a Luchador mask?

  21. LibertyLover

    Why do I get the feeling that Romney at some point in the debate is going to lean over and bite Obama on the neck?

    1. UnholyMoses


      Meanwhile, the Koch Bros., Sheldon Anderson, and host of other rightwing rich-as-hell fucktards donate 400 times that amount.

  22. OneYieldRegular

    "President Obama, that's a lie. I'll bet you $10,000 you're wrong. No, wait, $5,000! Let's make it a wager the little people can understand."

  23. mavenmaven

    You think he'll use that "african lion/lyin' african" line in the debate?
    Think he'll spring some novel birther claim? Rev. Wright? William Ayers?
    This debate is going to make some fine television.

  24. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, Mitt's going to bring a special video cell phone to this debate and hide it on the podium somewhere – that way, he'll have a record of the Obama lies…. don't tell me he doesn't learn from experience…

  25. Jus_Wonderin

    I don't now about the rest of you, but this has been a rollercoaster of a day. Whew. I am tired and don't tell anyone, but I didn't get all my Wonkette work done either.

  26. Isyaignert

    They'd better check Rmoney for wires and transmitters like GeeDumb had during the debates with Al Gore.

    1. decay500

      R doesn't need that check.. He's The Terminated. Internal SSD's, pre-programmed firmware. Hope they left in "fuck you, asshole!"

  27. UnholyMoses

    I gotta say (or type, in this case): I really hate presidential debates, as they're just ways for the candidates to spout their stump speeches, but in the form of an answer to a question — and often, an answer that has nothing whatsoever to do with the question.

    But Ryan v. Biden? And Mitt v. Barry?

    I can't wait …

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "…often, an answer that has nothing whatsoever to do with the question."

      Why, yes, I did think of Palin when I read that. She actually bragged about it.

  28. pdiddycornchips

    Here's a debate question I would love to hear:

    Gov. Romney, you have not released ten years of federal tax returns which is something every other major party candidate has done over the last thirty years.
    Some speculate you took advantage of a tax amnesty program that allowed you to pay your back taxes without incurring any penalties. Can you put the speculation to rest? Did you take part in a tax amnesty program at any time during the last ten years?

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "Yes, Mr. Chips, I hear what you are asking. Let me answer that by saying that 10 years is a long period of time, in fact, that is the age of Ann's horse, Rafalca. As you know Ann has MS. And I have………………………………………………"

      "Something, something, something that has no relation to taxes……………"

      1. Geminisunmars

        …and speaking of amnesty, you know that Mr Obama will grant amnesty to all illegal aliens, even those from Al Qaeda.

  29. Incitefully_Joe

    i remember how in '08, everyone was just like, "wait till the debates, Mccain will be AWESOME in the debates! Uhh, wait till the town hall debate! McCain totally won't just randomly wander off during that one!"

    I just feel like this whole "Mitt Romney is gonna factcheck the Dickens out of the President, in a capital showing, tut tut, quite-so," thing is basically the 2012 version of that nonsense.

    1. fuflans

      yeah and barack 'long game' obama is telling everyone he's a crappy debater.

      now we haven't seen him debate in a while but my memory is he was quite good. he's also been fielding press (and public gatherings and congress and white house staff and europe and bibi and fucking baggers and and and…) for four years.

      finally, these aren't actual debates.

  30. pdiddycornchips

    Mitt will ride a jet ski through the lake of dishonesty. That is when Barry will hit him with a Predator drone of truthiness.

  31. CommieDad

    Truth. The only true things are death and taxes. Oh and the Bible. And maybe Rush Limbaugh. Oh, and every FUCKING WORD OUT OF PAT O'RIELY'S mouth.

    So it should be easy for Mitt, as he is an expert on death (having died and been rebuilt as a robot), taxes (as in not paying them), the Bible (and the book of mormon which is totally true), and he just repeats what Rush says, and he must DVR Pat's show, so…. Win Mitt.

  32. WIDTAP

    If Mitt's pants burst into flames 60 times and Obama's do so twice, then you have obviously oversampled in your reporting.

  33. ibwilliamsi

    Has anyone bothered to explain to Bishop Romney that if he is going to do a "hold President Obama to the facts" debate that he can't lie, and can't include "Fauxfacts"?

  34. docterry6973

    Romney is aware that he is a serial flip-flopper and pathological liar, isn't he? I mean, I thought it was his plan to lie. Now he is scaring me.

  35. Fox n Fiends

    All Barry has to do is quote Jesus from the Bible, then ask Bishop Willard if its a true or false quotation. Oh the fun they'd have.

  36. zumpie

    Oh MIttens, returning to the well again??? Is this because "I know you are but what am I???" has been such a successful strategy the previous 50 catrillion times you've employed it?

  37. anniegetyerfun

    God, I hope he shouts "YOU LIE!" right in the middle of one of Obama's rebuttals. It worked so well last time.

  38. Grantmonkey

    Romney’s strategy for the up coming Presidential debates is to have an Easy Button installed on his podium that plays Joe Wilson's "You lie" shout at Obama's State of the Union Address.

  39. mosjef

    Mutt is an equal opportunity liar. He pulls shit out of both sides of his ass. Everytime he lies in the debates he should be hit in the head with a rubber mallet and there should be this big BOING! sound effect. I volunteer for the mallet duties.

  40. Terry

    "Mitt Romney plans to turn himself into a one-man truth squad during the first presidential debate next week, casting President Barack Obama as someone who can’t be trusted to stick to the facts or keep his promises."

    Oh man, Romney has gone to 100% self parody. This is going to work just as we'll as when Romney attacked Obama on China, after Romney made a fortune sending jobs to China.

  41. Negropolis

    And it’s true, that is a lie, because Obama has a tracksuit on underneath so that he’ll feel comfortable.

    Okay, that was just brilliant.

  42. Negropolis

    Okay, I think it's about time that the president shut this thing down, already. Mitt fucked himself over for a good month, and eventually the media's going to turn due to bad news saturation for Romney. So, it's time to beat the turn and bury this fucker…with votes.

  43. valthemus

    I'm guessing at some point Mitt will say, "Well, there you go again, Barack!" fully aware that Ronald Reagan is as dead as his campaign.

    I wonder: Will Mittzy's handlers remember to switch off his Condescending Prick Mode?

  44. DemonicRage

    The fact that this new idea comes on a day when, for the first time in the campaign, Romney remembers that he was Governor of Mass. and cites his health plan there as evidence that he does care about people (even though he has pledged to take health care away from 30 million Americans the first day he is in office) shows that we are dealing with someone who is literally stinking with desperation (the Stench!).

  45. ttommyunger

    Young Mittens must have watched the Flip Wilson Show one too many times. I know that's where I learned that "…a lie is just as good as the truth if you can get someone to believe it."

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