and humble too

Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People’s Lives Right And Left

For I'm a jolly good fellowDid you know Mitt Romney once saved a 14-year-old girl’s LIFE? He did that by going to look for her after she disappeared. Even though he did not actually find her. And she was just sleeping off an Ecstasy binge. But no, Mitt Romney is like Ryan Gosling times Morrissey plus Superman minus Kryptonite. Mitt Romney can’t help saving people’s lives. He just does it. Like one time he and his family saw a boat take on water and they didn’t even leave the people to drown! MittRomney.com, through the offices of Hottest Conservative Blogger John Hawkins, would like you to remember that! MITT ROMNEY IS A LIVING SAINT.

Mitt Romney saw people in trouble and he didn’t wait for the government to save them, he made a REAL gutsy call, and did what he had to do to save their lives.

The Morrisseys of Tewksbury were motoring their vintage wooden boat through the large lake on July 4 weekend that year when, around sunset and about 300 yards from shore, the vessel began taking on water. Robert Morrissey attempted to dial 911 on his cell phone, only to lose the device in the water as the boat started sinking rapidly.

That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water.

The Romneys took two of the passengers ashore, and others in the area helped the rest of the family — and the dog, too — make it back to land without injury.

Hey Catholic Church, do we really have to wait for Mitt Romney to be dead and do a bunch of miracles before we canonize him? We do? Fucking Church.

One time, we were at Disneyland with our son and he started choking and we gave him the Heimlich maneuver, instead of letting him learn the consequences of not chewing thoroughly, by dying. We would like that to be Noted when we run for president. (We are not running for president. Too many nudie shots.)

Other INCREDIBLE FACTS ABOUT MITT ROMNEY include the time he paid for all the many thousands of pints of milk for a veterans shelter, for years, which is nice! Of course, he did this because he had (SHOCKER) insulted them. By accident, most likely, it is just what he does. He also helped a dying boy write his will, which is presented, as you would expect, as something NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH would ever do, because everybody else would just be like FUCK YOU DYING BOY, that is just how people are, constantly telling dying children to go fuck themselves. In addition, Romney volunteered many hours to his church. This is because he was a bishop, but, you know. Volunteer work.

[MittRomney.com, via Jezebel]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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273 comments

  1. freakishlywrong

    "Well, that's odd … I've just robbed a man of his livelihood, and yet I feel strangely empty. Tell you what, Smithers – have him beaten to a pulp."

  2. Barbara_

    I thought he saved a 14 year-old girls life by not marrying her and assuring the rest of her life a living Mormon marriage hell.

    1. SaintRond

      The proper thing for a Mormon Bishop to do would be, when she screams, "Fuck me! Fuck me!" with her head spinning around, he fucks her, then five weeks later the demon comes out in the morning sickness.

      It's right next to the chapter on saving drowning people.

    2. Boojum

      And that one time he didn't hijack a plane and fly it into the White House was just like those people in Pennsylvania on 9/11.

  3. hagajim

    Wow! Mitt did what almost any human would do! Had he not done something I would really think he was a douche. However, remember, these people were his rich friends. I imagine if it was a poor in a canoe he and egg would have just laughed about it.

    1. Lot_49

      The Free Enterprise System made him rich enough to afford those jetskis. Credit where credit is due.

      Although every time one of those goddam things buzzes buy I want to launch a torpedo and sink it.

    2. actor212

      Right? This is the equivalent not of walking a blind person across the street, but of telling him "Hey! You blind or something? Sign says 'walk', asshole!"

      But we're supposed to think him a saint…

  4. the_onceler

    "That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water.

    The Romneys took two of the passengers ashore, and others in the area helped the rest of the family — and the dog, too — make it back to land without injury."

    They are really making it easy for Wonkette commenters aren't they?

    1. noodlesalad

      He could have punched the guy in the face on the way to shore for being a stupid poor, but refrained! (What was done to him once they reached land is left unsaid).

    2. PsycWench

      Wait a minute, "others in the area"? Why isn't this sainthood being spread around? And also, I held a colleague's baby so she could eat lunch with two hands today. I think there should at least be a headline in the local paper tomorrow.

      1. Terry

        The Romney's were dumbasses and went out to to rescue people on jet skis, rather than taking their boat. You can pull people (and dogs) into a boat. It's hard to get a person up on a wobbly jet ski out in deep water. The Romneys were of the same approximate use as a bucket under a bull.

        1. Geminisunmars

          They were actually going out to get a good view of the drowning, but there were others there with their boats to help. So they had to act like they'd come out to give assistance.

    3. actor212

      The Morrisseys of Tewksbury were motoring their vintage wooden boat through the large lake on July 4

      …is your clue that these were Romney's base: corporatist plutocrats who he probably sold an investment in Bain to on the way back to shore.

    4. PsycWench

      I read "and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water" and somehow envisioned Mitt's family dog riding its own jetski. But apparently that was not what happened.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        Oh, awesome! Someone needs to tell Mitt about this, stat. He may be proscribed from drinking wine after is upcoming big loss, but Joseph Smith didn't say a damn word about butt-chugging!

  5. Goonemeritus

    I saved my wife last night from a possible coronary or diabetes by finish the last of the cherry pie while she was watching Law and Order.

  6. DaveJ

    The Morrisseys of Tewksbury

    Of course Mitt would run to save fucking Morrissey. He probably had some rude words for Johnny Marr that one time he saw him in Portland, too.

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Panic on the shores of Lake Winnipesaukee,
      Panic in the vintage boat of Tewksbury,
      I wonder to myself,
      Could life ever be sane again?

  7. ThankYouJeebus

    One time Mitt Romney gave me an incredibly rare 20% off coupon from Bed Bath and Beyond. It helped me get off the dole.

    He has my vote.

    1. Isyaignert

      If you happen to get a campaign solicitation from Rmoney, as I did, send them a nice little note saying that you can't send them any money because the Repbulicon's Great Recession has ruined your life, but maybe these coupons will help, then stuff the postage-paid return envelope with junk mail and a one pound piece of steel.

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "Vintage wooden boat" is code for "poorz water-jalopy" He should have left them to pull themselves up by their boatstraps. Drowning is what they get for not buying a better boat.

    1. Boojum

      Vintage wooden boat is more likely to be an antique Chris-Craft worth more than a Poor's lifetime earnings.

      1. Terry

        The perfectly restored and polished metal fittings on the antique Chris-Craft alone were worth more than a Poor's lifetime earnings.

    2. An_Outhouse

      I thought poorz had the leaky, aluminum fish catchers. All the vintage wooden boats I see are fancy, shiny, and filled with fat white people.

        1. kittensdontlie

          Later, Mittens found that the boat in question was a jalopy, but stuck to the vintage boat story to save face.—Boston Herald (not intended to be a factual account, but the narrative was saved! And there wouldn't be any vintage boats around if they so prone to sinking.)

          1. actor212

            Yes, like a company "saved" by Bain Capital, it had a veneer of the finest teak and cypress, but that merely covered an empty shell made up of earwax and dryer lint.

  9. SoBeach

    That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water.

    Really? REALLY? A boat is sinking 300 yards away and you're sitting on your back porch next to your jet skis, and you're a HERO for giving people a ride to shore?

    People with waterfront homes and jet skis live for shit like that. Believe me, I know.

    1. bureaucrap

      Actually, if I count correctly, with two sons, there would have been THREE jet skis. And yet they only gave two people rides. That means that one of the three did nothing but point and laugh. Any guess as to which one?

      1. sullivanst

        Presumably this is because the Romneys were not the first to arrive to offer help, and the other four potential drownees (and dog) had already been picked up by the earlier rescuers.

        I mean, the guy's enough of a douche that you can give him the benefit of the doubt and still hate him.

        1. Terry

          Have you tried to crawl up on to a jet ski in deep water? Unless you're in good shape, it's a real pain in the arse.

          1. actor212

            It's much easier of there's someone on it pointing and laughing hysterically, threatening to cut your bangs off extending his hand for you to grasp.

    2. Pithaughn

      True that. I can't wait to test out my man overboard training someday. I can tie a bowline front or back in the dark. We practiced with dead weight hauling by hand and using the opposite side winch. This was at Lake Dillon, water temp 43 degrees!

  10. CrunchyKnee

    I hate when people wait for the government to save them when they are drowning. Everyone knows that the government cannot swim, especially after we drown it in a bathtub, or some such American conservative party bullshit. I think today is going to be a 3 Guinness lunch day, ugh.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Great, Editrix. Now I'm going to get an inexplicable boner everytime someone mentions Mitt Romney, because of this.

    2. HistoriCat

      Here I am, a day late to this story and all I can think to say is "why did it take so long for someone to focus on the important part of the story?"

  11. weejee

    ♪♫ Willard's cool, super cool,
    He tiptoes across the swimming pool
    Has anybody seen our Mitt?
    He's such a fool,
    this Wall Street tool,
    Has anybody seen our Mitt? ♫♪

  12. CivilMcMannerly

    "Six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water."

    Stupid plebs. Everyone knows you strap that bitch to the forward mast of your schooner.

        1. Isyaignert

          Begging your pardons kind sir and dear Editrix; I sincerely thought we were talking about people in general. Editrix is a lovely vessel of all that is good.

          PS – Isy is a grrrl.

  13. SexySmurf

    True story. Last night, Mitt did not break into my apartment and murder me in my sleep even though I'm poor. What a nice guy!

  14. sullivanst

    (We are not running for president. Too many nudie shots.)

    That's it, I'm registering DraftSchoenkopf.com and SchoenkopfForPresident.com right now!

  15. Blueb4sinrise

    ….. Morrissey attempted to dial 911 on his cell phone…

    "Emergency swimming lessons hotline. How may I help you?"

    [yes, Imma bad person]

  16. Lot_49

    Remember that Zoolander gif of Hopey'n'Joe'n'Hillary rockin'n'rollin' in a car that was circulating about this time four years ago? Can that be resurrected? If they're dredging up junk like this to make Mitt seem likable, it seems to be about time.

    Here it is: http://roflrazzi.cheezburger.com/news/tag/zooland

    How bad is Romney going to blow it in the debates?

    1. gurukalehuru

      My prediction: Bad, real bad. Like Herman Cain staring at the ceiling saying "Libya, Libya" bad. Like Rick Perry saying "Oops" bad. Like Michele Bachmann saying vaccinations make your kids retarded bad.

      And both Fox News and CNN will call it a draw.

  17. noodlesalad

    So Romney follows the First Law of Robotics. "A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm." Is that unexpected?

  18. Boojum

    Wait! You have nudie shots?

    Tide: Maybe I should have read the rest of this, but it was all something, something, words, Romney, TOO MANY NUDIE SHOTS.

  19. chicken_thief

    "…He also helped a dying boy write his will,…."

    Leaving everything to Bain Capital and fucking the parents out of the paltry insurance policy they had to cover little Junior's funeral.

  20. Sue4466

    Getting on a jetski is a "REAL gutsy call"? I thought that was something drunk frat boys did all the time. Alpha/Delta 2012

  21. fartknocker

    How nice of Mitt, helping a person in time of need. On the other hand, my President helped save thousands of jobs at GM and ordered Seal Team 6 to kill Bin Laden.

    Go play with your fucking pony you pandering goat fuck.

    1. kittensdontlie

      As a proud Ohioan, I know Mittens was the Seal on ST 6 that took the kill shot, and this was after the President said No. In this case, the fiction is stranger than the truth.

  22. banana_bread

    Now now, let's give credit where credit is due. If it had been Dubya instead of Mittens, that family would have drowned because he thought they were circus performers.

  23. SexySmurf

    He left out the most heartwarming part; when the Morrisseys were late paying the bill for their rescue, Mittens didn't even charge them interest.

  24. Boojum

    What about that time the airplane caught on fire and Mitt opened the window, saving them all from dying from smoke inhalation?

  25. Tundra Grifter

    When Miffed (r)Money grows up, he wants to be Corey Booker.

    After his overseas debacle, I predicted a major (r)Money gaff in September or October. I didn't realize, of course, that would be a tape from earlier in the year. That "47%" remark has really struck.

    Of course, it just echoes his earlier statement "I don't care about the very poor." As if we didn't already know!

    1. el_donaldo

      So Mitt's like Corey Booker, except he might be a tad more selective let's say in who he'll pull out of a burning building.

    2. chicken_thief

      While the 47% riff was bad enough, it has really surprised me that the "kick the [Israel] issue down the road and hope something intervenes because we can't really fix it" ramble hasn't outraged the warmongers.

    3. actor212

      Think about this: that was the first blood the Obama campaign could draw directly. Imagine if the race had been closer when it hit and Mitt was still hanging around in a tie or close?

      I almost wish Mitt had run a decent campaign just so we could see what else the Obama camp had scrounged up.

  26. mayor_quimby

    I once swerved not to hit a kid who ran into the street, and the little bastard didn't even give me a coutresy wave. Fuck that kid.

  27. mbobier

    Saint Mittens of Winnipesaukee's hagiography grows apace, thanks to the devoted scribes of Greater Wingnuttia! The blessed saint's emblem should involve a jet ski, a carton of milk, and an offended veteran.

  28. belmontreport

    Every single thing that people use to illustrate how human Romney is points out his tremendous wealth & privilege or his religion. Seriously.

    He helped a friend look for a girl — by using his private plane! He saved a family from drowning (by his vacation home) — by sending out his multiple jet skis. He helped a little boy write a will — because he is a lawyer that went to Harvard. He volunteers at his church — because he is a Mormon and that is required for his religion. He bought milk for a homeless veterans shelter — because he can afford to do so. He donates more than 10% of his income — because he is required to tithe to his church.

    I feel like we should thank the Romney campaign for constantly reminding us that he should be paying more in taxes, because he has enough money to do all of this and more.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Sometimes I give 5 bucks to the homeless deaf chick who lives in my hood. See, I'm just like Romney.

    2. imissopus

      "He bought milk for a homeless veterans shelter–because he can afford to do so. "

      Also because he had said something insulting about the veterans and was basically buying his way out of trouble.

  29. Oblios_Cap

    Hey Catholic Church, do we really have to wait for Mitt Romney to be dead and do a bunch of miracles before we canonize him? We do? Fucking Church.

    Hey- he's got to do his part if he wants to be a Saint. There's no exemptions granted to Mormom bishops.

  30. prommie

    Speaking of kryptonite, can someone with a Phd in comics tell me if there was some kind of anti-kryptonite? Like if kryptonite is your bane and fucks you up, was there something that was the opposite of krytponite that totally makes everything better and makes you feel like you are seeing a double-rainbow with a unicorn and an actual liberal president with a majority in both houses? I was just having a debate on this matter of kryptonite and anti-kryptonite, and looky here coincidentally here comes Rebecca mentioning kryptonite, so I thought I'd ask.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I hear he has remote ignition on all of the cars in his elevator car garage. They are toasty warm by the time James drives around to pick him up.

  31. Doktor Zoom

    But did the librul media report the lake rescue accurately? No, they all focused on what Mitt yelled as he jet-ski'd to the rescue: "I'll get you, my pretty! And your little dog, too!"

  32. Nostrildamus

    Hey Catholic Church, do we really have to wait for Mitt Romney to be dead and do a bunch of miracles before we canonize him? We do? Boy! Fucking Church.

    Fixed.

  33. magic_titty

    Mitt Romney routinely saves Alexander Hamilton, Ben Franklin, and countless Abe Lincolns from the clutches of the poor. He is a sight to behold.

  34. Mahousu

    Mitt Romney once saw a quarter lying on the sidewalk and was going to pick it up, when he decided to leave it there so a poor person could have it instead. True story.

    Well, ok, he didn't exactly leave it there. Actually, he superglued it to the sidewalk, so the poor person would have to work for his money and so build character.

    And he then hid behind a tree, to see how many poor people he would build character in. (Five, before he got bored and left.)

  35. Nostrildamus

    "That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water…

    The Romneys dropped off a pair of boot-straps to each person (2 pair for the dog), and promptly rode off with encouraging shouts of "Pull! Pull!". The 8 pairs of boot-straps, along with associated delivery charges, were later billed to the deceased's estates."

  36. Terry

    "That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water."

    It would have been a LOT more helpful if the Romneys had jumped in their BOAT rather than on jet skis to go out and rescue those folks. Because, you know, a BOAT had room to easily pull people aboard and all. It wouldn't have looked as he-man hot, however.

    1. Lot_49

      Now now, let's not Swift-Ski the singular act of heroism that Romney can lay claim to. Anyway, the captain of the yacht was off that day, one of the deckhands had called in sick, and the oiler couldn't find the keys to the engine room.

  37. CommieDad

    These are truly heroic anecdotes. I cried at the thought of Mitt on his Jet Ski, riding up to save that dog. I think it would be a shame, a god damn shame, to force that man to leave his vacation home. There are canines in the lake that need him. Please, if you have any humanity left, undecided voters in Ohio and Florida, vote to keep Mitt sitting by the lake.

  38. Beowoof

    Hey kids I will steal the money to pay for your education, and then call you lazy moochers for not being able to get a job that requires education. Sweet deal for Mitt.

  39. sbj1964

    I am sure the Catholic church will make Mitt a Saint after all they made Mother Teresa a Saint,and she was one cold evil bitch just like Mitt.

  40. Antispandex

    "(We are not running for president. Too many nudie shots.)"

    Perhaps if you shared a few we could better judge your….qualifications?

  41. KeepFnThatChicken

    [...] when, around sunset and about 300 yards from shore, the vessel began taking on water.

    No, Mitt! They're supposed to die first, then you re-baptize 'em.

  42. actor212

    I once finished off a quart of ice cream to save my then-pregnant then-wife from a coronary.

    Sadly, she did not take this bold and brave act in the spirit with which it was intended.

  43. pdiddycornchips

    So, to recap the case for RMoney. If you're not rich, he doesn't give a shit about you but if he happens to see you drowning and he has a jet ski handy, him might help you and your dog. Otherwise, you poor fucks are on your own.

  44. CommieDad

    I'm sure that many young woman out there dream of Mitt rescuing them while sleeping off an Ecstasy binge.

  45. 102415

    Seriously OT and please don't ban hammer me but for any NYC Wonkers. Please come to my party.
    Spanky! You are invited too!

    Obama 2012 La Palapa Fundraiser
    September 29th, 2012, 3-6 PM
    77 Saint Marks Place, between 1st and 2nd ave
    Minimum Contribution is $30

    There will be drinks, food, and live music.

    If you can't make it but want to donate, or if you want to pre-pay: https://donate.barackobama.com/page/outreach/view

    If you're in Facebook, here's our link: https://www.facebook.com/events/264660490316872/

  46. zomgitsjesus

    Once when I was sick, I had the runs and had an accident in my britches. Mitt Romney was kind enough to let me use one pair of his magic underwear (he wears two because of getting in an accident and hospital and all). I put them on and I never wanted to shit again. I swear I was walking around tall. People would ask me, "Do you have a stick stuck up your ass or something?" Unfortunately, my wife washed them with Cheer and it turns out that Cheer and Magic Mormon shit don't mix. End of story. Thanks.

  47. TheGyrus

    Of course this asshole owns multiple jet skis. Jet skis are perfect for tearing around the lake, making a fuckload of noise, and ruining everyone else's peace and quiet. The old white man equivalent of ghetto-blasters.

  48. BlueStateLibel

    I'm looking forward to election night when Mittens must concede to the blah man. Maybe he'll soften the blow for himself by pointing out with a smirk to his millionaire contributors that THEY CAN'T GET THEIR MONEY BACK, EVER.

  49. Incitefully_Joe

    Did you know Mitt Romney once saved a 14-year-old girl’s LIFE? He did that by going to look for her after she disappeared. Even though he did not actually find her. And she was just sleeping off an Ecstasy binge.

    Mitt Romney will save America in exactly the same way he saved that little girl! By looking in the wrong places and failing to actually find her and also she was actually totally fine the entire time, but he'll totally take credit because he doesn't understand that being passed out for most of the day after a rave is pretty normal.

    Okay, mabe not EXACTLY like that, but pretty close.

    1. Boojum

      Except America will be gang raped by all of his friends while he is out looking.

      Nah, who'm'I kidding? Mitt will be there, holding her down.

  50. BarackMyWorld

    John Kerry saved that marine's life in Vietnam and all the Republicans did was call him a fake war hero.

    1. JohnnyQuick

      But could that Marine have afforded a boat? If not, he was probably just too lazy to run away from the bullets.

  51. Guppy

    He also helped a dying boy write his will

    Helping the dying to write a will isn't in the Bible; it's in the QUR'AN!!!11!!!1111!!11one

    Who's the secret Mulsin now?

  52. clblabin

    "The Morrisseys of Tewksbury were motoring their vintage wooden boat through the large lake on July 4 weekend that year…"

    Fuck these people.

  53. Grokenstein

    Re the link about insulting veterans:

    The donation DOES show Romney at his most compassionate: buying his way out of shame and later feeding the "anonymous" act to his media monkeys to make sure everyone learns how compassionate he is (doubtless in response to some other massive screwup of his).

    If Romney didn't publicize this donation, as the article claims, how did anyone–let alone Smith–find out he was behind it?

  54. Negropolis

    "Morrisseys of Tewksbury?" "Motoring their vintage wooden boat?" Seriously.

    Call me when he saves my cousin Pookie who was fishing but lost his balance and fell from the McArthur Bridge into the Detroit River, okay?

  55. ttommyunger

    Reminds me of my late father: a life-long Baptist Preacher who had an extra ten grand lying around in the early 70's (He was career Air Force, Full Colonel). He wanted a boat but felt the need to support a Missionary for a year (10K). He did some research and learned the the mortality table for foreign missionaries was ten times the normal rate. He came home soon after with an 18 foot cabin cruiser in tow proudly exclaiming that he'd "Saved a Missionary's life!"

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