i can see canada from my front porch

Totally Compassionate Paul Ryan Is Our New Quayle Palin

Mr. Cool DisguisePaul Ryan, boy genius, is running around the country now desperately trying not to get ripped limb from limb by olds in their Hoverounds. As a part of this bold new “don’t fucking kill me” plan, Ryan is trying to talk to the regular folk using things they really, truly understand: botched Bible quotes (that aren’t actually from the Bible, but probably Confucius, maybe?).

On Wednesday, in Ohio, Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny-starver from space, in the middle of a rote answer to a woman who was talking about being on welfare, an answer that was just inches from actually being human, said this:

“Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Don’t feed fish.”

Many props to Esquire, as always, but the quote is *slightly* inaccurate. It was actually, “Teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a life. Don’t feed fish.” Much better, obvs. WHOSE LIFE CAN HE FEED HIMSELF FOR? Obamacare fishing panels???

It’s okay, Paulie R. Eventually, every Republican vice presidential candidate turns into a slavering idiot, except for Dick Cheney, but that’s okay because we all know he was actually the president and Dubya was number two. Streak unbroken!

We should now look forward to the VP debate even more, especially when Biden hugs someone, then Ryan walks over and quotes great philosopher Bil Keane: “A hug is like a boomerang – I liked it in Crocodile Dundee.

Let us also note for a second how terribly, deeply patronizing it to tell a woman who wants to get off of welfare (you know, a 47% moocher) that how she should do it is just, you know, work hard, and maybe have someone show her how to be better at not being a disgusting know-nothing poor. When your major issue is a campaign is the concern that you really don’t care about people who are struggling (i.e., everyone without a reality show or the last name of “Romney”), perhaps the message of “stop being a useless fuck” is the worst possible thing you could say, even if you got the goddamn trite quote correct.


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    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      They will become dependent, think they are victims, take no responsibility for their lives, and, worst of all, vote for Obama.

    2. NYNYNYjr

      I think he was wandering -in his mind- to that metaphor republicans have about "feeding wild animals is like feeding black people, not good"

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Why do you think he told everyone else not to feed them? They won't nibble on Mitt unless they have no other choice.

  1. Terry

    Somebody is having a wee meltdown. Must be hard to be the Emperor right after you've been shown to have no clothes.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I assume that's because the damn economy would go even further in the crapper – outside of the sale of swooning divans and copies of said picture.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Today, I think the Romney/Ryan campaign is looking more and more like a walleye at a Friday night fish boil in Kenosha.

    1. freakishlywrong

      No. It looks like a couple of smug assclowns stepping on their own dicks. I hope he loses his house seat as well.

    1. mrpuma2u

      I hope you are wrong but fear you are right. The Mittens/Ryan strategy team must be playing "go fish" right now.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Is he really that tall? He looks shorter to me. Maybe my opinion of the man is causing me to under estimate his height.

  2. Serolf_Divad

    Teach a man to fish and before you know it, stocks are depleted, fisheries collapse, and unemployed fishermen start clinging to their guns and religion.

    1. glasspusher

      "Ordinary people spend their lives avoiding tense situations. Repo man spends his life getting in to tense situations!"-

      Yep, sounds like another day on the campaign trail for Ryan.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Yes, but if the Rethugs win that will be illegal. The damn fish will have to feed themselves. No more government handouts. (Ah, yes. The Cannibalism of the Vanities)

      1. BerkeleyBear

        I can't hear that (and I hear it a lot) without thinking it's them pointing at all the white boyz and saying wigga wigga wigga wigga wigga.

  3. LibertyLover

    In many places that I've lived, I see the poor fishing from bridges and piers and stuff. So, um some poors already know how to fish, what they kinda need is good schools for their kids and a decent paying job so that they can buy some of those goods and services that Romney's Bain Capital outsourced to China.

  4. Lot_49

    If this former fitness instructor is gonna tell jokes, he should at least get them right. It goes like this:

    Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit all day in the boat drinking beer.

    And this guy is a Republican intellectual leader? Sheesh, talk about Bush league…

  5. SoBeach

    Poor Ryan. He thought he had a fool-proof way to win over the olds: "Your medicare won't change a bit. We're gonna really screw everyone ten years younger than you, but you're safe." The bajillionaire robot and the Randian figured the olds would be all "screw everyone else, I got mine" because isn't that how everyone is?

    Then the boos. And the confusion. Soon, the sad.

    1. Lot_49

      Cuz even us Olds can figure out that the Youngs won't keep paying into the system if they know it won't be there for them.

      Maybe if they could get Colin Powell to give a speech supporting the Ryan Plan at the UN.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Well, that and Obama made sure they got the sweet cream off the top of the ACA first, with closing the donut hole and increasing dollars spent on care. So the "screw the folks behind you" angle requires them to give back money to the government.

        You ever tried to get an old to give back anything (other than a screaming grandkid)?

  6. fuflans

    people who are struggling (i.e., everyone without a reality show or the last name of “Romney”)

    the romney / ryan campaign IS a reality show.

    and it's not getting picked up for a new season.

  7. Doktor Zoom

    Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for an evening. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

  8. Dumbedup

    There are many ways to lose, graciously, or nobly, but also in spectacular fully public fail mode, when your brain stops working and you just say stupid shit and randomly scream at people as you flail and struggle and reboot and eventually fall into a heap and sob. RMoney and Little Dark Man are losing that way now.

  9. Jus_Wonderin

    I am not particularly tuned into the bible. Does anyone remember that story of that long haired dude that fed fishes and bready things to a bunch of folks???

    1. SoBeach

      I read that book. It had stuff where the same hippie tells people to do right by the least among us, talks about tolerance and loving your neighbor, and bs crap like that.

      It couldn't have been the Bible though. Pious American conservatives tell me the Bible is WAY different. And they should know.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      I don't really think of Ronald McDonald as having long hair, but if you say so I'll believe it. Filet-o-Fishes are definitely fishy bready things eaten by a bunch of people.

  10. dccajun

    Actually, the quote it: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; Teach a man to fish and he'll want a fucking boat.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Give a man a boat and his wife will divorce him. Give your wife a divorce and she will have to go on assistance. Give that exwife assistance and she will become a whore. Oh my…………this is slippery, slimey, scaley slope.

  11. Doktor Zoom

    In other news, House Republicans voted to defund fishing education and to allow toxic waste dumping in all waterways.

  12. MacRaith

    Slightly OT, but perhaps not: I was once in a meeting where my boss actually said, "You can lead a horse to fish, or you can teach him to fish." I think he must be moonlighting as Ryan's speechwriter.

  13. arduinohacker

    Hmmm, well, that old saying is kinda obsolete, the ocean fish stocks are down like 90%, and fresh-water fish tend to give you mercury poisoning, so the statement needs a little revision:

    "Teach a man to fish, and you're being sexist, speeding up the extinction of the whole aquatic food chain, and giving them the trembly forgetfulness for the rest of their life.

  14. Mahousu

    There are probably over a hundred fish hatcheries in Wisconsin, with around a dozen in Ryan's own district. They might want to have a word with him.

  15. Jus_Wonderin

    Can a man drown in his own stupid words? As an aside, I am so proud that Obama is articulate. I used to literally cringe when W stepped up to a mic.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      The one who really, really made me writhe in agony was Hank Paulson. The economy is in complete melt-down and he's babbling into the mic about "programs." Terrifying.

    1. Isyaignert

      Haha – I was on a short cruise last week and we had dinner with another couple, a Russian high school exchange student and his Canadian host. The Russian brought up $arah Palin and her stupid comments about Russia and the whole table had a good laugh over it.

  16. Whollyholeyholy

    Next thing you know people want a Pell grant for their Wildlife and Fisheries degree. It's a slippery slope.

  17. MistaEko

    Give the trolls a gaffe and they shall pounce for a news cycle.
    Teach a doctrine of "fuck you I gots mines" and they shall feast for the whole campaign.
    Don't feed the trolls.

  18. DemonicRage

    Teach a man to stock a river with Asian carp to eat the plant life that has been clogging the waterways and, decades later, the whole fish chain of life is reduced to murky water and giant, repugnant Asian carp!

  19. Gleem McShineys

    Will the right wingnuts do their normal thing, and jump to his defense?

    I sure do look forward to pundits yammering on about morality and brine shrimp.

  20. gurukalehuru

    Maybe a stretcher, but it reminds me of the scene in Marnie, one of Hitchcock's great films, IMHO. Marnie has just tried to drown herself in the pool on the cruise ship and after Carey Grant fishes her out and gets her breathing he starts shouting at her about why did she try to drown herself in a pool when she's got an ocean all around her. She scowls at him and says "The idea was to kill myself – not to feed the damned fish."
    Julia Roberts couldn't deliver a badass line like that on her best day.
    Why does Paul Ryan hate fish?

  21. Guppy

    That's the thing about House members: they've never had to deal with a general election before. That primary shit don't work.

  22. ChuckieJesus

    Everybody's goin' off about the friggin' fish… doesn't anyone have any kind of pith or witticism to spare about the fact that Ryan just cold said to that lady's face that her inability to get ahead was GOD GIVEN?


  23. randomsausage

    Letting a hundred retard flowers blossom and a hundred schools of stupid thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in The Republican Party

  24. Negropolis

    But, Jesse, what else was Ryan to say? I mean, that is basically the platform of the Republican Party. They don't have any other advice for Poorz. Their Scripture (the Republican Party Platform) doesn't speak on Poorz.

  25. DocChaos

    Teach a man to fish and he'll quit his job and spend the whole goddamn day out on the boat drinking beer paid for with his "disability" check.

  26. ttommyunger

    I know he's a Mackerel-Snapper, but his knowledge of the N.T. rivals that of Hebes….I know, I know, Paul Ryan just brings out the bigot in me..

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