I CAN SEE CANADA FROM MY FRONT PORCH  10:06 am September 27, 2012

Totally Compassionate Paul Ryan Is Our New Quayle Palin

by Jesse Taylor

Mr. Cool DisguisePaul Ryan, boy genius, is running around the country now desperately trying not to get ripped limb from limb by olds in their Hoverounds. As a part of this bold new “don’t fucking kill me” plan, Ryan is trying to talk to the regular folk using things they really, truly understand: botched Bible quotes (that aren’t actually from the Bible, but probably Confucius, maybe?).

On Wednesday, in Ohio, Paul Ryan, the zombie-eyed granny-starver from space, in the middle of a rote answer to a woman who was talking about being on welfare, an answer that was just inches from actually being human, said this:

“Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Don’t feed fish.”

Many props to Esquire, as always, but the quote is *slightly* inaccurate. It was actually, “Teach a man to fish, he can feed himself for a life. Don’t feed fish.” Much better, obvs. WHOSE LIFE CAN HE FEED HIMSELF FOR? Obamacare fishing panels???

It’s okay, Paulie R. Eventually, every Republican vice presidential candidate turns into a slavering idiot, except for Dick Cheney, but that’s okay because we all know he was actually the president and Dubya was number two. Streak unbroken!

We should now look forward to the VP debate even more, especially when Biden hugs someone, then Ryan walks over and quotes great philosopher Bil Keane: “A hug is like a boomerang – I liked it in Crocodile Dundee.

Let us also note for a second how terribly, deeply patronizing it to tell a woman who wants to get off of welfare (you know, a 47% moocher) that how she should do it is just, you know, work hard, and maybe have someone show her how to be better at not being a disgusting know-nothing poor. When your major issue is a campaign is the concern that you really don’t care about people who are struggling (i.e., everyone without a reality show or the last name of “Romney”), perhaps the message of “stop being a useless fuck” is the worst possible thing you could say, even if you got the goddamn trite quote correct.

[Esquire]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 227 comments }

Barbara_ September 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

Did he also tell the crowd that he built the hospital he was born in? He did, ya know.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

With tax cuts.

HELisforHEL September 27, 2012 at 11:25 am

In under 3 hours.

Tom September 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

Potatoe, potato, tomatoe, tomato….

Boojum September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

Fish stew!

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

Looks good from my perch over here.

glasspusher September 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

Suckers…

Chow Yun Flat September 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

Don't feed fish. WTF?

Boojum September 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

If you feed them, they will crowd around your beach house, just like the Poors on welfare.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

Krill libel!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

They will become dependent, think they are victims, take no responsibility for their lives, and, worst of all, vote for Obama.

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

Enfranchise Piscean-Americans now!

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:48 am

Now that is unfair. We all know the poors are voting for Obama just, and only, because he is black.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

I thought it was because he was part kraken.

sullivanst September 27, 2012 at 11:54 am

Stanley Ann Dunham libel!

Oh, wait… sorry, I misread that.

mrblifil September 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

Well you don't want the filthy poors gorging on fat fish now do you? Why do you hate America, if I might ask?

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 10:36 am

Oh, so now Lyin' Ryan wants to kill fish?!

Naked_Bunny September 27, 2012 at 10:43 am

FUCK THE FISH!

Wait, that came out wrong

superdave September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

Done and done. Anyone got a cigarette?

Isyaignert September 27, 2012 at 11:33 am

WC Fields: "I never drink water because fish fuk in it."

An_Outhouse September 27, 2012 at 10:45 am

Its well known that obesity in fish is a growing problem.

NYNYNYjr September 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I think he was wandering -in his mind- to that metaphor republicans have about "feeding wild animals is like feeding black people, not good"

no_gravity September 27, 2012 at 10:10 am

The Romney Ryan campaign is already sleeping with the fishes.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

Why do you think he told everyone else not to feed them? They won't nibble on Mitt unless they have no other choice.

NellCote71 September 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I imagine the fish are pretty much done feasting off OBL.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Troy McClure libel!

Terry September 27, 2012 at 10:11 am

Somebody is having a wee meltdown. Must be hard to be the Emperor right after you've been shown to have no clothes.

freakishlywrong September 27, 2012 at 10:26 am

Pokes mental eyes out.

Naked_Bunny September 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

Is this why we don't see more naked Obama pics?

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

I assume that's because the damn economy would go even further in the crapper – outside of the sale of swooning divans and copies of said picture.

Naked_Bunny September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

Damned economy is ruining everything.

Biff September 27, 2012 at 10:12 am

Today, we are all fish food.

mrpuma2u September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

Today, I think the Romney/Ryan campaign is looking more and more like a walleye at a Friday night fish boil in Kenosha.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:03 am

Boil? I think you mean fry. Which is about the only way anyone in the midwest eats walleye.

shelwood46 September 27, 2012 at 11:40 am

In Kenosha, probably fry. In Fish Creek, definitely fish boil.

mrpuma2u September 27, 2012 at 3:45 pm

http://www.kenoshanews.com/news/new_fishing_event

Down the page with entry of June 15

4 p.m., Big Wally’s Door County Fish Boil. Tickets are $15, available in advance only, at the club, 5130 Fourth Ave.; Kenosha Harborside Bait and Tackle.

QED dontcha know. Sadly we missed said epic culinary event.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Are we quite sure that he didn't mean "boil", as in, "Republicans are a boil on the ass of humanity"?

freakishlywrong September 27, 2012 at 10:12 am

That's his plan in a nutshell. Basically, nobody gets fed. Even the fish.

Terry September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

The "job creators" overseas accounts get fed pretty well.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

He's obviously floundering. Got no sole.

slowhansolo September 27, 2012 at 10:41 am

Given those poll numbers, you'd think by now they'd have changed their tuna.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:04 am

Or at least stopped claiming they are all flukes.

iTuna September 27, 2012 at 11:12 am

I resemble that remark!

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:46 pm

He's jumped the shark.

Negropolis September 28, 2012 at 2:48 am

He needs to get down from his high perch..

mmeetoilenoir September 28, 2012 at 1:55 am

Honestly, I'm suprised that this clown hasn't seen the whiting on the wall.

Boojum September 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

Teach a man to fish and he'll starve in the desert. Give a man a fish and he'll look at you like you're nuts.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:04 am

Eat a fish in front of man and he'll stab you in the throat.

bobbert September 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Turn a man into a fish and he'll worship Cthulhu.

OldWhiteLies September 27, 2012 at 1:35 pm
CindynEncinitas September 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set him on fire…

Terry September 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

Poor fishes!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

It's OK … they have a way of shutting that whole thing down.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

So, the fish are the 47%, who should not be dependent on government for their food?

Boojum September 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

Soylent Green is fish food.

SwanSwanH September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

Don't feed The Stench.

Poindexter718 September 27, 2012 at 10:14 am

Why is Paul Ryan badmouthing American aquaculture?

no_gravity September 27, 2012 at 10:22 am

It was on his to do list. Next up street corner apple sellers.

JerkCade September 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

So once again I must ask: Does this look like a pair of dudes that are trying to win an election?

freakishlywrong September 27, 2012 at 10:18 am

No. It looks like a couple of smug assclowns stepping on their own dicks. I hope he loses his house seat as well.

JerkCade September 27, 2012 at 10:25 am

Wouldn't that just be the cherry on the sundae?

EatsBabyDingos September 27, 2012 at 10:41 am

I think they took Obama at 2-1 odds at Harrah's.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:05 am

Hell, if I could have locked in those odds I would have. No one is taking that kind of sucker play.

CindynEncinitas September 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm

The characters in Always Sunny in Philadelphia would come off better than these guys.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

Again, Jus Wonderin is, well, typeless.

freakishlywrong September 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

The problem is, these idiotic orcs will STILL vote for these assholes.

Terry September 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

Because no matter how stupid, mean, and misguided Romney and Ryan are, they are still white.

mrblifil September 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

27% of the state electorate voted for Alan Keyes. Just sayin'.

Terry September 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

He's one of the "ok ones".

I can't tell you how many times I heard that when I was living down South.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:51 pm

It's not limited to the south, unfortunately.

mrpuma2u September 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

I hope you are wrong but fear you are right. The Mittens/Ryan strategy team must be playing "go fish" right now.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:15 am

This statement was approved by Rinse Preebus and his sisters, Spin and Soak.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:20 am

And his half-brother, Repeat.

Chow Yun Flat September 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

Someone should stick a tree branch up Ryan's butt.

(with votes)

James Michael Curley September 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

Since he is 6' 2" it has to be the right height.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:36 am

Is he really that tall? He looks shorter to me. Maybe my opinion of the man is causing me to under estimate his height.

shelwood46 September 27, 2012 at 11:42 am

That's how tall he says he is. He is actually 5'4".

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Or the fact that he talks and acts like he's ten years old.

Gratuitous World September 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

"Fish Story" is actually a good nickname for Ryan.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

Methinks this is just a red herring.

Serolf_Divad September 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

Teach a man to fish and before you know it, stocks are depleted, fisheries collapse, and unemployed fishermen start clinging to their guns and religion.

badseeds September 27, 2012 at 10:18 am

And get up off your ass and cut down the mightiest tree in the forest. With a herring.

glasspusher September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

Oh, please?

NYNYNYjr September 27, 2012 at 4:58 pm

If the forest won't come to Mohammed, make a cartoon of Mohammed going to the forest.

PeaceWithHonor September 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

They've creeped out all the mammals, and now they've lost the fish vote.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:37 am

And, we all know they don't like the frogs.

no_gravity September 27, 2012 at 10:44 am

Or the limeys.

glasspusher September 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

Tunas are more warm blooded than Ryan.

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

But will the fish greet us as liberators?

FNMA September 27, 2012 at 10:19 am

Shorter Ryan, courtesy of Bud in Repo Man: "Ordinary fucking people. I hate 'em."

glasspusher September 27, 2012 at 11:04 am

"Ordinary people spend their lives avoiding tense situations. Repo man spends his life getting in to tense situations!"-

Yep, sounds like another day on the campaign trail for Ryan.

DemmeFatale September 27, 2012 at 11:26 am

Yep, and courtesy of Dubya, "Fool me once…um…uh…."

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 10:20 am

Don't they feed fish at fish farms?

Dudleydidwrong September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

Yes, but if the Rethugs win that will be illegal. The damn fish will have to feed themselves. No more government handouts. (Ah, yes. The Cannibalism of the Vanities)

glasspusher September 27, 2012 at 11:05 am

With gvt handouts, obvs.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:20 am

But if you give a man a huge bluefin tuna, he could retire.

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

Or, in olden times, whale puke.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambergris

bobbert September 27, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Unless the sharks get it.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:22 am

Ok, fine — so why the fuck is Ryan giving me such a haddock?

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

Just for the Hallibut.

Mumbletypeg September 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

Ryan would like you all to quit carping about your health- and its -care for once~

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 10:35 am

Tyipcal Republican, just ignoring the fact that ordinary Americans are floundering.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:37 am

He thinks he can skate, but eventually he'll get schooled.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

I think he's trolling.

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

Yeah, because Ryan is…uh…some kind of fish pun thing!!

Nailed it!

JerkCade September 27, 2012 at 10:49 am

Score!

finallyhappy September 27, 2012 at 11:08 am

FTW!

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

It is his one true special porpoise.

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

Wait'll the campaign goes into turbot mode.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:08 am

Cause 'es such an 'eel? (Said in bad Cockney accent).

bobbert September 27, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Stench / Fishbreath 2012!!!

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

He makes me so crabby.

mrblifil September 27, 2012 at 10:22 am

Teach a man to get fucked and he'll stick a fish up his ass.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

That's one interpretation of the LFMAO song. Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

I can't hear that (and I hear it a lot) without thinking it's them pointing at all the white boyz and saying wigga wigga wigga wigga wigga.

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

In many places that I've lived, I see the poor fishing from bridges and piers and stuff. So, um some poors already know how to fish, what they kinda need is good schools for their kids and a decent paying job so that they can buy some of those goods and services that Romney's Bain Capital outsourced to China.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

Not to mention access to places to fish where the goddamn PCBs and mercury isn't so damn high.

ManchuCandidate September 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

Give an egotist dipshit an Ayn Rand novel, you disappoint him for a day.
Make him read it, he will kill olds and wreck the tax base for life.

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

If this former fitness instructor is gonna tell jokes, he should at least get them right. It goes like this:

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit all day in the boat drinking beer.

And this guy is a Republican intellectual leader? Sheesh, talk about Bush league…

FlownOver September 27, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Or:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a man religion and he will starve to death praying for a fish.

Indiepalin September 27, 2012 at 10:25 am

Feed a fish, starve a beaver.

An_Outhouse September 27, 2012 at 10:50 am

I thought it was 'eat a beaver'.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 27, 2012 at 10:26 am

Later this year, they'll grind up their political careers into a fish food asset and sell it off.

SoBeach September 27, 2012 at 10:27 am

Poor Ryan. He thought he had a fool-proof way to win over the olds: "Your medicare won't change a bit. We're gonna really screw everyone ten years younger than you, but you're safe." The bajillionaire robot and the Randian figured the olds would be all "screw everyone else, I got mine" because isn't that how everyone is?

Then the boos. And the confusion. Soon, the sad.

freakishlywrong September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

I concur wholeheartedly, except for the "Poor Ryan" part.

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 10:40 am

Cuz even us Olds can figure out that the Youngs won't keep paying into the system if they know it won't be there for them.

Maybe if they could get Colin Powell to give a speech supporting the Ryan Plan at the UN.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:14 am

Well, that and Obama made sure they got the sweet cream off the top of the ACA first, with closing the donut hole and increasing dollars spent on care. So the "screw the folks behind you" angle requires them to give back money to the government.

You ever tried to get an old to give back anything (other than a screaming grandkid)?

Lot_49 September 27, 2012 at 11:18 am

When they pry my cold, dead fingers off my Soshecurity check, sonny!

DemmeFatale September 27, 2012 at 11:31 am

He should go to "The Villages" in Florida.
They love a good zombie-eyed granny starver.

(Is Esquire quoting Wonkette?)

qwerty42 September 27, 2012 at 10:27 am

"Don't feed fish"???? WTF???
Is it ok to sleep with them?

FNMA September 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

Actor Troy McClure (RIP) thought so.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:46 am

Let's ask bin Laden.

finallyhappy September 27, 2012 at 11:09 am

Many fish do not actually sleep- but I don't think that was your question

Naked_Bunny September 27, 2012 at 11:22 am

Yes, but wear protection.

Baconzgood September 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

Teach a man to fish and shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.

fuflans September 27, 2012 at 10:30 am

people who are struggling (i.e., everyone without a reality show or the last name of “Romney”)

the romney / ryan campaign IS a reality show.

and it's not getting picked up for a new season.

DahBoner September 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Hi-yo!!!!

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for an evening. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:15 am

Okay, that made me snort. Damn you, Dok.

Joshua Norton September 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

Teach a man to fish…

And he'll probably die from mercury poisoning.

DemmeFatale September 27, 2012 at 11:34 am

…unless some libtard has fought against pollution.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Ha ha!
When *women* get mercury poisoning, they become Governor of Alaska!

Dumbedup September 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

There are many ways to lose, graciously, or nobly, but also in spectacular fully public fail mode, when your brain stops working and you just say stupid shit and randomly scream at people as you flail and struggle and reboot and eventually fall into a heap and sob. RMoney and Little Dark Man are losing that way now.

slowhansolo September 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

You know, the construction "feed himself for a life" is somehow very. fucking. creepy.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Most of the things that Rapey Eyes Ryan says are creepy.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:33 am

I am not particularly tuned into the bible. Does anyone remember that story of that long haired dude that fed fishes and bready things to a bunch of folks???

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

Yeah, but don't pay no attention to that guy. He was a socialist hippie.

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 11:28 am

Yeah, he wore sandals and a robe and had long hair. Probably didn't bathe either.

SoBeach September 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

I read that book. It had stuff where the same hippie tells people to do right by the least among us, talks about tolerance and loving your neighbor, and bs crap like that.

It couldn't have been the Bible though. Pious American conservatives tell me the Bible is WAY different. And they should know.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:16 am

I don't really think of Ronald McDonald as having long hair, but if you say so I'll believe it. Filet-o-Fishes are definitely fishy bready things eaten by a bunch of people.

dccajun September 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

Actually, the quote it: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; Teach a man to fish and he'll want a fucking boat.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:51 am

Give a man a boat and his wife will divorce him. Give your wife a divorce and she will have to go on assistance. Give that exwife assistance and she will become a whore. Oh my…………this is slippery, slimey, scaley slope.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

On the other hand, you've got yourself a boat, and time for fishing.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:17 am

But do you have beer money? Because otherwise who the fuck cares.

Joshua Norton September 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

Teach a man to fish…

Preferably in a charter school…

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

A Christian charter school, please. No Mooslims.

BerkeleyBear September 27, 2012 at 11:18 am

How can you tell if a fish is Mooslim? Does it always swim towards Mecca?

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 11:34 am

No, they just don't look….'American', ya know what I mean?

rickmaci September 27, 2012 at 10:45 am

"charter school"
The man or the fish?

Doktor Zoom September 27, 2012 at 10:34 am

In other news, House Republicans voted to defund fishing education and to allow toxic waste dumping in all waterways.

fartknocker September 27, 2012 at 10:35 am

Great. This guy is now employing the favorite Word salad algorithms of Sarah Palin.

Thurman Munster IV September 27, 2012 at 10:35 am

But the blah president is blah.

Dr_Zoidberg September 27, 2012 at 10:40 am

That's about all they have left to yell.

Mittens Howell, III September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

I can see the U.S.S.R. from my uninsured potatoe.

Gleem McShineys September 27, 2012 at 1:50 pm

BUILD THE PIE HIGHER ON YOUR FAMILY

MacRaith September 27, 2012 at 10:41 am

Slightly OT, but perhaps not: I was once in a meeting where my boss actually said, "You can lead a horse to fish, or you can teach him to fish." I think he must be moonlighting as Ryan's speechwriter.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:53 am

I'd be terrified my boss was having a stroke in that situation.

finallyhappy September 27, 2012 at 11:10 am

uh, was your boss named Chris? in Northern VA? Because it sounds like him

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Your boss was Yogi Berra?

gurukalehuru September 27, 2012 at 3:14 pm

That really burns my goat. That was my favorite office quote from when I worked in an office.

Mittens Howell, III September 27, 2012 at 10:41 am

What did the fish ever do for us??

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:49 am

Or, as the higher mammals said, "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

arduinohacker September 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

Hmmm, well, that old saying is kinda obsolete, the ocean fish stocks are down like 90%, and fresh-water fish tend to give you mercury poisoning, so the statement needs a little revision:

"Teach a man to fish, and you're being sexist, speeding up the extinction of the whole aquatic food chain, and giving them the trembly forgetfulness for the rest of their life.

Biff September 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Also, bicycles.

rickmaci September 27, 2012 at 10:44 am

You can teach a man to tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. Or something like that.

Mittens Howell, III September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

I found out where the stench is coming from:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRV03zQkBas

MilwaukeeKent September 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

At last, a politician who understands how hard it is to put food on my family!

Mahousu September 27, 2012 at 10:51 am

There are probably over a hundred fish hatcheries in Wisconsin, with around a dozen in Ryan's own district. They might want to have a word with him.

Jus_Wonderin September 27, 2012 at 10:56 am

Can a man drown in his own stupid words? As an aside, I am so proud that Obama is articulate. I used to literally cringe when W stepped up to a mic.

Isyaignert September 27, 2012 at 11:50 am

I got so I couldn't even look at that beady-eyed oily snake, let alone listen to him.

CindynEncinitas September 27, 2012 at 3:56 pm

The one who really, really made me writhe in agony was Hank Paulson. The economy is in complete melt-down and he's babbling into the mic about "programs." Terrifying.

mbobier September 27, 2012 at 10:57 am

This was a grave insult to all piscine-Americans.

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 10:57 am

We need to put fish on our families.

James Michael Curley September 27, 2012 at 10:59 am

Republican politicians – epically working to prove The Peter Principal.

Dudleydidwrong September 27, 2012 at 11:09 am

They're all dicks to begin with.

fuflans September 27, 2012 at 11:09 am

I can see Canada from my front porch

STOP FUCKING LOOKING AT US!!!!!

Isyaignert September 27, 2012 at 11:45 am

Haha – I was on a short cruise last week and we had dinner with another couple, a Russian high school exchange student and his Canadian host. The Russian brought up $arah Palin and her stupid comments about Russia and the whole table had a good laugh over it.

barto September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

Yes, Paul, and how do you plan to pay the teachers?

Whollyholeyholy September 27, 2012 at 11:28 am

Loaves?

Isyaignert September 27, 2012 at 11:47 am

We pay doctors in chickens don't we?

MoeDeLawn September 27, 2012 at 3:23 pm

At scale?

finallyhappy September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

Thanks for all the fish!

Whollyholeyholy September 27, 2012 at 11:11 am

Next thing you know people want a Pell grant for their Wildlife and Fisheries degree. It's a slippery slope.

Misty Malarky September 27, 2012 at 11:15 am

Wow. Now even the fishies in my aquarium hate Ryan.

randomsausage September 27, 2012 at 11:15 am

Didn't Mao Tse Twat first say this?

Not_Mother September 27, 2012 at 11:24 am

Stench/ Wanda 2012

LibertyLover September 27, 2012 at 11:29 am

Is that anything like putting food on your family? Sounds fishy to me.

La_Cieca September 27, 2012 at 11:32 am

Ryan is just doing a very clever Abe Vigoda riff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H_Cp7s-5CXM

MistaEko September 27, 2012 at 11:38 am

Give the trolls a gaffe and they shall pounce for a news cycle.
Teach a doctrine of "fuck you I gots mines" and they shall feast for the whole campaign.
Don't feed the trolls.

randomsausage September 27, 2012 at 11:49 am

What's next from this rube? "Mongo just pawn in game of life".

Biff September 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Thanks for all none of the fish?

imissopus September 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Give the poor food stamps, they'll just spend them on expensive sushi dinners when they need a break from sitting in front of their giant flat-screens.

DemonicRage September 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Teach a man to stock a river with Asian carp to eat the plant life that has been clogging the waterways and, decades later, the whole fish chain of life is reduced to murky water and giant, repugnant Asian carp!

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:37 pm

“Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime. Don’t feed fish, blahs, or poorz.”

Nostrildamus September 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Don't feed fish.

… and don't forget to tip the scales.

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:39 pm

How 'bout we feed Ryan to the fish? That would solve *two* problems.
/ethnic

Nostrildamus September 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Holy Mackerel!

DahBoner September 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

"I'm not an old country doctor, I'm a magician"

tessiee September 27, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Ryan's even stupider than you think. He was *trying* to say "Carpe Diem".

eggsacklywright September 27, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"Carpe Diem"

That means eat a fish every day. I talk pretty French someday.

bobbert September 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Okay, he misspoke. But, But, 57 states.

Edit: Giant Font WTF?

archikvetch September 27, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Fish are people too, my friend…

Gleem McShineys September 27, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Will the right wingnuts do their normal thing, and jump to his defense?

I sure do look forward to pundits yammering on about morality and brine shrimp.

mavenmaven September 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

In this context its "teach a man to pish and you've saved a lifetime supply of depends"

gurukalehuru September 27, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Maybe a stretcher, but it reminds me of the scene in Marnie, one of Hitchcock's great films, IMHO. Marnie has just tried to drown herself in the pool on the cruise ship and after Carey Grant fishes her out and gets her breathing he starts shouting at her about why did she try to drown herself in a pool when she's got an ocean all around her. She scowls at him and says "The idea was to kill myself – not to feed the damned fish."
Julia Roberts couldn't deliver a badass line like that on her best day.
Why does Paul Ryan hate fish?

TavariousChinaSmith September 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm

You think I know fuck nothing. But I know fuck all!

Thedongsofwar September 27, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Ryan looks like a bro, dude!

Guppy September 27, 2012 at 5:21 pm

That's the thing about House members: they've never had to deal with a general election before. That primary shit don't work.

kingofmeh September 27, 2012 at 6:28 pm

does anyone else think he looks eerily like michael stipe in this photo?

ChuckieJesus September 27, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Everybody's goin' off about the friggin' fish… doesn't anyone have any kind of pith or witticism to spare about the fact that Ryan just cold said to that lady's face that her inability to get ahead was GOD GIVEN?

"OH I'M SORRY MEMAW, BUT GOD WAS ONLY ABLE TO FILL YOU WITH A MINIMUM OF SKILL NECESSARY TO SURVIVE A KLEPTOCRACY" doesn't have a beat, and I can't dance to it.

randomsausage September 27, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Letting a hundred retard flowers blossom and a hundred schools of stupid thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in The Republican Party

Negropolis September 28, 2012 at 2:46 am

But, Jesse, what else was Ryan to say? I mean, that is basically the platform of the Republican Party. They don't have any other advice for Poorz. Their Scripture (the Republican Party Platform) doesn't speak on Poorz.

Negropolis September 28, 2012 at 3:04 am

Fool me once, shame on, on…you. Fool me twice, Republicans…and…and…we won't get fooled again!

DocChaos September 28, 2012 at 3:07 am

Teach a man to fish and he'll quit his job and spend the whole goddamn day out on the boat drinking beer paid for with his "disability" check.

ttommyunger September 29, 2012 at 10:33 am

I know he's a Mackerel-Snapper, but his knowledge of the N.T. rivals that of Hebes….I know, I know, Paul Ryan just brings out the bigot in me..

bobbert September 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Nice work, by cracky.

DahBoner September 27, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Abe from Chicago?

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