oo-ooh that smell

Paul Ryan, ‘Reportedly,’ Simply Does Not Care To Take Calls From His Stinky Old Boss

Love on the rocks, ain't no big surpriseDoes Politico chief political columnist Roger Simon know what “reportedly” means? Dear reader, do you? For those without your Editrix’s fancee “specialized journalism” master’s, it means “someone somewhere else has already published this information, which we have not confirmed ourselves, but are kind of taking their word for it.” And Politico chief political columnist Roger Simon says that, “reportedly,” Paul Ryan “has been marching around his campaign bus, saying things like, ‘If Stench calls, take a message’ and ‘Tell Stench I’m having finger sandwiches with Peggy Noonan and will text him later.’” Did anybody besides Roger Simon report that? Sure, in the future! Now Roger Simon can simply go back and link to all the people, like us, who have used his report, and say it has been reported! It is sort of like how they got the intel to go to war in Iraq.

We are vaguely sure Roger Simon is attempting “satire.” (His closing sentence, “Sources close to the Ryan campaign tell me his two new PowerPoint presentations will be: ‘How a Bill Becomes Law’ and ‘Canada: Friendly Giant to the North,'” sort of nails it.)

But short of emailing him and asking him, there is simply no possible way to tell! Therefore, we are forced to work from the assumption that Roger Simon is typing out God’s honest rumors and not trying to pen the next “Joe Biden’s Bitchen Camaro.”

But why is Paul Ryan (“reportedly”) being so mean to papa Romney? Well, a) Craig Robinson in the New York Times said Ryan was going to have difficulty getting the Romney stench off him, and b) we are just spitballing here, but sometimes politicians are not very good at controlling their egos! Like, one time we were having an affair with a state senator, and there we were, gazing at him properly and listening to him yammer on and on, our eyes open wide like a good political wife, and as we hung on his every word, we inserted a question that showed how engaged and interested we were in whatever the fuck he was profoundly orating upon, and he held up one index finger and intoned, with this crap Reagan jolly smile, “Now now, I’m not done talking!”

Anyway, we figure Paul Ryan is a spoiled primadonna crazy bitch.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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      1. chicken_thief

        So you are saying that Mittens and Pegster are doing the dirty?! I thought I'd heard that somewhere before.

        And, of course, it would be irresponsible not to speculate….

      2. Limeylizzie

        You have made me consider the arid, lonely, cavernous vaginal vault of Dame Peggy, I will have to adjourn to X-Tube and unleash my own moist, supple, delicately- scented

    1. Gleem McShineys

      I wonder if it is related to a "knuckle sandwich" ?

      Paul Ryan is punching Peggy Noonan (in the vahjeen)?

  1. mille derps

    Mitt keeps calling me, too, also. But having a conversation with robo-Mitt is pretty pointless (just ask that CO schoolteacher), so can't say as I blame Ryan on this one.

    1. LibertyLover

      He calls me too. Says he wants money. I tell him to look in his offshore accounts. But it's just a robocall.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      I'm getting them, too. They go something like this:

      Mitt Romney: [in a slow, dull, monotone] Hi, this is Mitt Romney, calling to let you know that your spouse just died in a car wreck… [pause] that was a joke, by the way, like to one I told about my wife being trapped in a burning plane because the windows don't roll down. Anyway, I'm just calling to ask for your support this November. I hope I can count on it. Thanks!

  2. hagajim

    Somewhat ironic if true, since its the stench of the Ryan plan (among other things) that is making this campaign smell like rotting carp on the banks of the Mississippi.

  3. BadKitty904

    I'm sure the first-mate of the Titanic got tired of listening to all the bitching about that iceberg, too…

    1. kittensdontlie

      Craig Robinson in the New York Times said Ryan was going to have difficulty getting the Romney stench off him.

      All of us too, Katie.

  4. fuflans

    and he held up one index finger and intoned, with this crap Reagan jolly smile, “Now now, I’m not done talking!”

    i hope you bit that finger off.

  5. Mojopo

    This is thoughtful critique about The Journalisms, as opposed to The Gossips. However, I'm wondering who you banged because sometimes gossip wins.

  6. Callyson

    the Romney “brain trust” in Boston…rumor has it, that refers to Ryan as “Gilligan.”

    Now that you mention it, he does look a little like Gilligan…

  7. bumfug

    "Ooo, Ooo, that smell.
    Can't you smell that smell?
    Ooo, Ooo, that smell.
    The smell of death surrounds you."

    Oh, Mitt! They're playing our song!

    1. Iam_Who_Iam

      Ha… I just checked it out and the first tweet I read was:

      How can we be on #stench already when I wasn't done with #airplanewindow or #emergencyroom? Slow down, Romney campaign!

  8. Lot_49

    This couldn't have anything to do with today's poll info, dya think?

    "We're down ten points in Ohio–what the fuck is Holy Boy doing? Now which one of you geniuses is working on my résumé?"

    1. mayor_quimby

      Hey, he was great with Tupac in Gang Related! Sadly, the wrong partner got shot in Vegas, otherwise we'd be watching season 8 of According to Pac

    1. Lot_49

      I just hope the media don't treat them the way they treated McCain and Palin–that is to say, as if their ignominious loss somehow didn't disqualify them from ever commenting on anything again.

    1. chicken_thief

      Thanks to Ryan sales of P90X have dropped 17%.

      *I did just make that up, but Fox will still report it as fact on 11/7/12.

    1. Biff

      There was a character nicknamed "Stench" in "The World According to Garp", and the guy said it was because he was rotting from the inside. It fits.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Reminiscent of one of the few good bits in Joseph Heller's dreadfully bad Closing Time, his ill-considered sequel to Catch-22: the Secret Service codename for the President (unnamed, but obviously Dan Quayle) is "The Little Prick."

  9. freakishlywrong

    It gives me enormous pleasure just KNOWING that little shitweasle is ruing the motherfucking day he even met the Panderbot.

    1. zumpie

      He will. As he either A) retires altogether after he loses his congressional campaign or B) is no longer EVER again allowed at the KKK Kool Kids Kongressional Table and sits alone on the very backest of benches.

  10. weejee

    Election day is still moar than a month and four debates away, but Mittenz campaign already has the bouquet of the crypt. The fine whine of Republicanism is circling the drain not the glass.

  11. comrad_darkness

    It had to be satire because there are about a thousand baillionity better nicknames for Romnoid rMoney Badger Scrooge McLetThemUseTheEmergencyRoomToManageTheirDiabetes McTaxCheat George W the III Esquire.

  12. calliecallie

    On Wisconsin! The nation is counting on you to make sure this loser loses twice on election day. Let's see if he can shake off that kind of stench. Maybe he'll actually have to get a job in the private sector come November.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Yeah, and God forbid he get a REAL job instead of sucking off the government teat like he has the last 20 years of his life.

      1. vtxmcrider

        Longer than that. How about when he was sucking up Social Security survivor benefits that he used to go to school after his father died? This guy's whole life has been parasitic.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    But on Saturday, the day after he was booed, Ryan broke free. Appearing at a town hall meeting at the University of Central Florida in Orlando, Ryan showed the glitz, the glamour, the razzle-dazzle that he was supposed to bring to the campaign in the first place.

    Yeah — definitely satire there.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Nah, if you click the next page, the razzle dazzle was a power point presentation. Which is something Ryan is well known (and loathed for) in Congress.

        Simon does a pretty fair take down of the cruelty that power point inflicts on an audience, especially when accompanied by a 10 minute monologue on debt. So my verdict is more sarcasm than pure satire, because apparently Ryan really is committed to boring people to death with power point when given the opportunity.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          What must it take to be not as scintillating a PowerPoint presenter as Al Gore? Or to be considered a crashing bore by your colleagues in the House Budget Committee? The mind shuddders.

  14. Beowoof

    Admit it Rmoney is one stinky motherfucker and each new revelation or comment he makes ratchets up the smell, its already at sewer full skunks and climbing.

  15. Ruhe

    Before we all start celebrating the inevitable second term…and I think it is inevitable…ask yourselves this: Will the Republicans in congress finally shake their heads and say "well, he's got us by the short hairs so I suppose we'd better start working together to solve some of this crap, you know, take the long view and all and just do our jobs." Or is it more likely that they'll just double down, as they always do, since the "lost money fallacy" seems guide every aspect of their behavior, forever, amen.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      It is difficult to predict. I'd like to contemplate the former as the latter involves me playing a game of Spin the Handgun.

    2. Mojopo

      Republicans still want to win elections. If Obama wins, yes – they will have to change their model. I don't see Republicans going from disagreeable cockbuckets to negotiators, but the rebranding effort will begin quickly if the President wins.

    3. Biff

      Down-ticket is very important. It amazes me when a state can deliver for Obama, and then give us a Scott Brown. Or Walker. Or any number of other Scotts or Browns or Walkers.

    4. Dildeaux

      Reconstitute farther to the right and win a majority in the House during the 2014 mid-terms. There shall be no soul searching at all. They just aint gettin it.

    1. Esteev

      Huckabee took to twitter to announce how "excited" he was that Santorum and Demint joined him and Newt to back Akin.

      "Friends like these, huh Gary?"

  16. Mojopo

    I read Politico's article last night, and while I am skeptical, the story resonated with me because it feels emotionally truthful. It isn't hard to imagine Paul Ryan acting like a bad replacement boss on The Office because I can effortlessly recreate the image in my head. He looks like a guy who would say that, and he acts like it. That story says more about me (or anyone who enjoyed it) than it does about Ryan, because it's really about my opinion of him and his boss.

  17. IncenseDebate

    Romney's comeback, "He who smelled it dealt it." He then cut Ryan's hair with some garden shears while quoting long passages from Atlas Shrugged.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    Fact Check: Joe Biden's fictional car is a bitchen Trans Am.

    (He really does own a totally rad '67 Corvette, though).

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "The stench, you know that pandering stench, the whole country. Smelled like
    [sniffing, pondering] …victory. Someday this election's gonna end…

  20. sullivanst

    ZOMG I thought those Stench quotes were our Editrix egging the pudding for comic effect, but no, they're copied verbatim from Politico. Yowser!

  21. fuflans

    this is the douche ticket:

    come on america! step right up and vote for the rich and entitled white guys who inherited their fortunes and don't pay taxes but want to make sure you can't get food stamps because of morality. also, make me a sammich.

    1. zumpie

      To be fair, the "make me a sammich" was directed at Consuelo, while the ladies were busy having thier nails done

  22. fawkedifiknow

    I was always told that "taint" is that area between an asshole and a cunt – taint one or the other. That leads me to conclude that anytime you're standing between Mitt and Ann, you're in taint territory.

  23. ph7

    Karl Rove might as well start shoveling that PAC money into his personal accounts. No point in making radio and TV station owners rich for no good reason

  24. prommie

    That is not how they got the intel to support the invasion of Iraq! I know exactly where they got that intel. There is this guy who lives under a bridge beside the Delaware River that I pass every day going to and from work. And he is always talking and gesticulating wildly, like he is in a heated argument with someone who is not there. And he is always saying crazy crazy shit, like "We know that Saddam has the capacity to re-activate his weapons of mass destruction research programs." This guy, I am sure of it, is where they got that intel about the WMDs being to the north, south, east and west of Baghdad,. This was the guy that knew about the unknown unknowns!

  25. freakishlywrong

    As much as I loathe the both of them, this kind of mean-spirit could only come from a wingtard. Democrats would really never say anything that nasty, (in public, at least).

  26. Jus_Wonderin

    I am sure someone as noted this but, doesn't it just crush one's soul to realize how much money is being spent to get these two into office and to realize how much that money could help if put forward for good and NOT evil?

    Hey, I only need a few hundred thou to retire. Look over here. I am the one jumping up and down waving his paws.

    1. ThundercatHo

      I've been wondering everyday how many children could eat/have decent housing/go to college on the money being wasted on this campaign.

  27. Peckerwood_Pete

    If Paul Ryan doesn't look like the quintessential Oscar Meyer Weiner mobile driver in that photo above… I don't know who does….

  28. RaflcaFlkaFlame

    Dude, Paul, that's me. Papa Bear and Ann-toinette haven't cleaned my stable. I've been relegated to car port. (RIP SEAMUS BABY :'( )

  29. Chichikovovich

    ‘Canada: Friendly Giant to the North,’

    I loved that show! "Look up, waaaaay up. And I'll call Rusty."

  30. elviouslyqueer

    To be fair, if I were Ryan I would also want to be a million miles away from Eau d'Mitt, which has top notes of epic failure and horseshit, with vague hints of sadness, desperation, and rank entitlement mixed in, and with a strong finish of stale coffee and Vitalis.

  31. cc423

    The best video from this campaign thus far was shot on 9/25/12 in Ohio. Romney standing in front of a large crowd with Ryan just behind him said that President Obama has not raised taxes in the last four years, but he will in the future. The look on Ryan's face was priceless.

  32. Close_Read

    I will be so glad when this unctuous little man in his too-big suit goes away. He needs a duck embroidered on the pocket.

  33. MonkeyMotion

    Staffer: Mr. Ryan, Stench is on the line.

    Ryan: Take a message. I don't need anyone — especially that jerkwad — to tell me how to make an asshole of myself, thank you very much…"

  34. docterry6973

    I didn't catch that 'reportedly' subtlety. Journalism is hard, so let's gossip instead.

    I don't think that Ryan goes around calling Mitt 'Stench', but it speaks volumes about Romney that no one is really sure.

  35. Chet Kincaid_

    At the end of page 2 of Simon's column:

    [Author’s note: Jonathan Swift did not really want Irish people to sell their children for food in 1791; George Orwell did not really want the clocks to strike thirteen in 1984; Paul Ryan, I am sure, calls Mitt Romney something more dignified than “Stench” and Microsoft did not invent PowerPoint as a means to euthanize cattle. At least I am pretty sure Microsoft didn’t.]

    Great, now the "stench" thing will have to be endlessly debunked, like that Romney quote some jerk "pundit" made up earlier in the campaign season. Journalists are supposed to be better than this kind of sloppy shit.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Real journalists require at least two sources before going to print. Judith Miller wouldn't quote Ahmed Chalabi without confirming things with Doug Feith.

  36. rocktonsam

    "Stench" an instant classic!

    He got that from the now closed GM plant.

    Lots and lots of re-elect Ryan signs to congress all over Janesville also

    1. Rotundo_

      Unfortunately it's the folks in Walworth County (Think Lake Geneva) that elect the little brown noser over and over again. Bastard isn't in my district thank doG…

  37. Designer_Rants

    I read this last night and thought "WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING!!!" The author, on the 2nd page of the Politico column, starts saying a bunch of shit he thinks is funny or cute, so I thought… "Okay, this is a jokey-type-thing, so is that part about Ryan saying 'put Stench's calls on hold' from the 1st page true? Jokes? half-truesies-half-jokesies? Which half is the truesies, which half is the jokesies?"

    Politico sucks.

  38. James Michael Curley

    "Paul Ryan is a spoiled primadonna crazy bitch"

    Now we know what Romney finds in him. If he was blonde Mitt would get him an apartment right off Central Park.

  39. owhatever

    "Sorry, Stench."
    "It's okay, Gilligan. Ann's kinda mad."
    "Some kind of woman thing."
    "Bush called Karl Rover 'turd-blossom,' and that worked out okay."
    "I'll remember that. Hey, Paul — Ginger or MaryAnne?"

  40. ColHeightsChic

    Rebecca, I have SO MANY questions:
    Which couldn't-quite-make-it-to-U.S.-Senator did you bang?
    Was he good?
    Did he give as well as receive?
    Were you trying to sleep your way to the top? If so, the top of what?
    Did you wash your stained dress afterwards?
    I accept both factual and alleged responses.

      1. Guppy

        Hell, my only question is whether you had to drink before, during or after sharing this little anecdote with your captive readers.

  41. Tundra Grifter

    "Like, one time we were having an affair with a state senator…"

    Reminds me of the secret Wonkette lobbyist columnist with the sweater puppies.

    And Jessica Cutler.

    Good times!

  42. Zobaface

    The whole Romney Ryan ticket smells like a guy eating a gargonzola cheeses sandwich while getting a permanent in a porta-potty.

  43. kingofmeh

    i think the article is the best thing on Politico, ever, just for this paragraph:

    "Conducting a PowerPoint presentation is a lot like smoking a cigar. Only the person doing it likes it. The people around him want to hit him with a chair."

  44. Smithboy

    One…two…three…four…everybody sing the Romney theme song…..Can't buy me love….ove! Can't buy me love…oveee….oveeee!

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