NATURE KILLS JOBS  11:20 am September 26, 2012

Climate Change Will Kill Pretty Much Everyone, Says Report About To Be Ignored

by Rich Abdill

What, this? Normal.Climate change and contributing factors from carbon-intensive societies will cause the deaths of an estimated 100 million people in the next 18 years, according to a report released today that politicians will be paid handsomely to throw away and never think about again.

More than 90 percent of those deaths are expected to happen in poorer, farming-based developing countries, according to Reuters, which explains why Mitt Romney does not give a flying you-know-what about dealing with climate change, and would rather use it to make fun of Obama, because the free market will extinguish the flaming poors, that is just how it works.

Sen. James Inhofe (R-Oil Rig) will also likely ignore it, because God controls the climate, not people. (It’s OK — he’s only the ranking member of the Senate environmental committee.)

The classic climate stupids aren’t the only ones who won’t be helping — the Senate just voted unanimously (!!) to block a European Union requirement that airlines pay for carbon offsets on international flights, on account of air travel causes huge amounts of pollution. Reliably, Sen. John Thune (R-Nowhere) turned that debate into some other weird thing:

“The Senate’s action today will help ensure that U.S. air carriers and passengers will not be paying down European debt through this illegal tax and can instead be investing in creating jobs and stimulating our own economy,” Thune said in a statement.

Follow the logic? The money you save on that trans-Atlantic plane ticket will create jobs, because that’s the only argument we’ve got left, never mind that climate change is already putting a huge dent in the global economy.

Let us all immediately request the emails of the scientists who did the study, to call them gay and liars. [Reuters]

 
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{ 131 comments }

nounverb911 September 26, 2012 at 11:21 am

I look forward to Florida being inundated by the oceans.

Terry September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

They'll use Federal dollars to build cofferdams around the exclusive gated enclaves and tony shopping districts and let the rest of the population and land sink beneath the waves.

freakishlywrong September 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

"Rushbo" will be safe then…whew!

PubOption September 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Or, as the South Africans would say, kaffirdams.

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

As one speaking from the nether regions, could y'all hang out and let me make some kind of grand escape before we all do the great point and laugh? I swear I would LOVE to be able to look down on all of this, I am a very nice person, you all would like me.

prommie September 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

Personally I like it down south. I like the heat, and the humidity. But, that said, any time you want to escape the coming flood and plagues, just tap me on the head.

ThundercatHo September 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

We have some land north of Richmond, VA with a hill, you are welcome to look down, point and laugh from there. Heck, if shit gets real it may even have an ocean view.

ph7 September 26, 2012 at 11:55 am

A short drive float from here in Arlington. When the shit hits the fan, I'm taking you up on your offer!

James Michael Curley September 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Isn't the highest point in FL a pile of bat guano?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 26, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Gypsum waste stacks from phosphate mines. Close enough.

James Michael Curley September 26, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Ah! Thank you. A pile of processed bat guano.

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

But they don't farm in Florida! How can it be affected?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Buy property in the middle of Georgia and Alabama. It is your new beachfront home.

Also too, build waterproof ferroconcrete bunkers, in anticipation of monster hurricanes.

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 11:22 am

Stop talking Sciunce-man, Honey Boo Boo is on.

Serolf_Divad September 26, 2012 at 11:23 am

Stimulating our economy? Has John Thune gone Communist, too?

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 11:23 am

Apparently god's too stupid to operate the climate machine:

"Turn the knob to the right. TO THE RIGHT!! you galactic moron."

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

It goes to 11.

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 11:34 am

Just pray, hon. God will answer your prayers. (Won't he?)

IncenseDebate September 26, 2012 at 11:24 am

Climate change is a bunch of hot air.

hagajim September 26, 2012 at 11:24 am

I look forward to a bunch of these naysayers getting killed off by West Nile virus. Most of the idiots are in the southern U.S. correct? Might brighten up the gene pool.

johnnyzhivago September 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

Having the ocean levels rise about 450 feet would be just perfect for me, because it would turn the Zhivago compund into sort of a "Monterrey" in the New Jersey mountains. I am already planning my oceanfront landscaping.

I say "bring it on"!!!!

Woodshedding September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

My thoughts exactly! Except west coast will now be in Portland. Woot!

johnnyzhivago September 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

That should cut at least half an hour out of a coast to coast flight!

PubOption September 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Which airport would then be on the east coast, Pittsburgh?, Buffalo?

Lot_49 September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

My move from Denver to San Diego isn't looking so smart now. At least I got a few years in without shoveling snow.

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

It would, however, still be New Jersey.

prommie September 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

Hunterdon? Or up around Phillipsburg? That one closed down scenic overlook on 78 that you can still walk up to, if people could just see the view from there New Jersey wouldn't get the shit it does. Oh, and Christie, I guess we deserve it, what with the fat fuck representing us.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Soon, you'll be able to swim there.

prommie September 26, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The highest elevation in my county is 180 feet. My property is at 6 feet. The earth only has to sneeze and I am swimming.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 2:15 pm

So, if Chris Christie goes swimming, you're underwater.

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Hey fuck em, you know? They don't even appreciate the water-war we will be (already are) fighting between Bama and Georgia before any of this comes down anyway. If you and I can make some kind of pact now I would appreciate it.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I'm sure we can make a water deal. Although I'm thinking that it will probably involve ice and alcohol.

PsycWench September 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

The report contains those liberal talking points such as "facts" and "science" and "data" so it's probably the work of Satan. Pass the fried pork rinds please.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Uh, bacon shortage? Serious catastrophe?

Terry September 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

Poor people in farming based countries and animals like polar bears don't contribute to GOP PACs and candidates so thus global climate change isn't occurring.

CivicHoliday September 26, 2012 at 11:25 am

I read today that pig farmers are predicting a global bacon shortage next year and possibly beyond, because summer droughts (which will only get worse) cause feed corn shortages. So suck on that, climate change deniers. You may not die but God will punish you by taking the B out of your BLT

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

Bill O'Reilly's gonna be pissed when the intern brings back his Bacon, Loofah, Transvestite sandwich and he finds out there's no bacon on it.

chicken_thief September 26, 2012 at 11:42 am

Well, hell, if there is no bacon we might as well all die.

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

If there is no bacon, we're IN hell. No need to die.

Guppy September 26, 2012 at 11:54 am

feed corn shortages

The farm subsidies must flow!

eggsacklywright September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

Finally, poor old Earf will be able to rest for awhile.

IncenseDebate September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

Who cares? There's a bacon shortage!!!

PubOption September 26, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Another sign of the creeping Sharia!

DahBoner September 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm

No. There's still plenty of fat girls…

freakishlywrong September 26, 2012 at 11:26 am

We have sitting members of congress who believe Jesus dismounted from his vegetarian dinosaur in order to write the Constitution. The Founders were all off trying to abolish slavery.

Canmon September 26, 2012 at 11:27 am

As long as some of the off-shore island tax shelters are spared, This is an acceptable risk.

Peckerwood_Pete September 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

Yes, because we all know how much that offshore money is helping stimulate financial growth here in the States…..

RALitherland September 26, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Highest point in the Cayman Islands: 141 ft above sea level. On Grand Cayman, 60 ft. Switzerland may be a better bet.

Zango Crudmonger September 26, 2012 at 11:27 am

The upside will be more empty chairs with which to blather.

weejee September 26, 2012 at 11:28 am

It’s OK — he’s only the ranking member

It's OK — he’s only the rankest member

/ fixed

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The Stench is stong with this one.

memzilla September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Earth Control Operation FAIL.

johnnyzhivago September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Until you have to take a BOAT to go from the White House to the Capitol, these idiots are not going to do anything.

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

Senators will have motorboats and Congressmen will have row boats (and aides to row them). They will be paid for by taxpayers.

YasserArraFeck September 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

Cool – "Venice, D.C."

Woodshedding September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Never mind the airlines, think of all the coffin maker jobs that will be created. Can't believe they're missing that obvious talking point.

chicken_thief September 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

And the ground that will be used for burials?!!! I guess we'll just get used to OBL like burials.

Oblios_Cap September 26, 2012 at 11:51 am

Steve Southerland, our Florida rep and God's Own Undertaker, approves!

EatsBabyDingos September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Thune's just looking forward to the new Dakota Ocean.

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

Can I start hoping for the planet-killing asteroid strike again?

OkieDokieDog September 26, 2012 at 11:30 am

I was hoping that Jim Inhofe (Big Oil's Call Girl) would get the blue cootie disease AGAIN this summer from swimming in the blue-green algae contaminated lakes in Okieland.

freakishlywrong September 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

That was so sweet..
EPA: "Due to Global warming, the lakes are overgrown with toxic algae. It's unsafe for swimming"
Inhofe: "Fuck yew, EPA, damn elitist science, fuck yew,!" Splash.
Global warming hoax group" "Due to illness, our keynote speaker cannot be here today."

littlebigdaddy September 26, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Maybe he'll get an eel in his butt like that guy in NZ.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

I'm going to start planting palm trees in my yard to get ready for that sweet desert climate.

anniegetyerfun September 26, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I actually received a palm tree as a house warming gift from someone. My husband was totally against the idea, so a friend bought one for me so we wouldn't be able to return it.

You wouldn't think that they'd thrive in Bothell, but they do.

Lot_49 September 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

They laughed when Mitt stashed money in Switzerland, but he'll be swimming off the dock of his Zermatt mansion while all the rest of us are drowning or baking. The Cayman investment was a hedge against nuclear winter. Mormons don't store up a year's worth of food in their basements because they think everything's going to turn out well.

FlownOver September 26, 2012 at 11:31 am

"Poorer, farming-based developing countries" like Oklahoma. Then when Eric "Ratboy" Cantor blocks disaster relief, I'll just smile.

Lot_49 September 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

Eric Cantor: Ratboy or Ratfucker? Discuss.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Do we have to choose?

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

"investing in creating jobs and stimulating our own economy”

Do they make those "See 'N Say" toys with political catchphrases? He left out "tax break to help create jobs."

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

I am always amazed how the GOP uses science (or lack of scientific evidence) to further programs they want: {Backscatter Radiation causes no damage to your nads when we xray your body before your airplane trip, fracking doesn't damage water aquifers, etc} and discounts science when it comes to programs that they don't: Airplanes produce carbons that pollute are air and warm the earth.}

Surprisingly, the link between these two seemingly is the money they are bribed with from the industries involved.

Incitefully_Joe September 26, 2012 at 11:39 am

To be fair on the BS radiation pornoscanner point, my understanding of how backscatter radition works would suggest that it's much more likely to give you skin cancer than cause sterility.

So, you know, there's that.

ChillBill September 26, 2012 at 11:32 am

What are Republicans gonna do with all money once they don't have a planet to spend it on?

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 11:36 am

Buy another one?

Estproph September 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

Calling Slartibartfast…

fawkedifiknow September 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

We need to have the Koch Brothers give an unbiased look at these findings before we get all judgmental, and shit.

Oblios_Cap September 26, 2012 at 11:34 am

More than 90 percent of those deaths are expected to happen in poorer, farming-based developing countries

This is good news for ConAgra! Of course, they will have a hard time finding the labor for their megafarms when all of the Somalis die off.

Baconzgood September 26, 2012 at 11:34 am

Hey if melting icecaps gets the seafood to me fresher then I'm all for it. Gotta break a few eggs…

ThundercatHo September 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

Honey, could you go out in the backyard and grab a couple of lobsters for dinner?

James Michael Curley September 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Bacon wrapped sea scallops dipped in butter and grilled on a hickory smoke flame.

Esteev September 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

The new currency.

Blueb4sinrise September 26, 2012 at 11:35 am

A friends kitten was spayed the other day and the vet game them morphine syringes. BBL.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:28 pm

With morphine included? Here kitty, kitty, kitty….

Blueb4sinrise September 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Yep. Oral .
When empty, drive over them and say it was an accident.
Goin back for more.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 26, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Kitty-doses. You're gonna need a lot more.

Incitefully_Joe September 26, 2012 at 11:37 am

Also too, global warming is basically the reason you can't eat bacon any more. If that isn't enough to get you to write you Congressthings, I'm out of ideas.

chicken_thief September 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

And my diet of Big Macs and Snickers ain't making me fat either so FUCK YOU SCIENTISTS!!!!

ph7 September 26, 2012 at 11:38 am

I'm looking forward to the real-time mummification of the Governor of Arizona before the close of her term.

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 11:43 am

I think you must have blinked, because that happened a while back.

Sacanagem September 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

From what I hear, most definitely pickled.

magic_titty September 26, 2012 at 11:40 am

What these developing countries will need is more air conditioning. Keeps down the temperature, doesn't use a lot of energy, and is good for the environment. Also, 'air conditioner drip' is a localized, albeit crude, water source.

Do I have to think of everything?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Hey, great idea! Let's just get Congress to repeal the Second Law of Thermodynamics!

Lot_49 September 26, 2012 at 11:42 am

Most of us by now acknowledge that the Second Amendment was a mistake, or at least has been overtaken by events and should be repealed. To the extent that it will help get believers out of Congress, or at least no longer allow them to claim biblical justification for every damn thing they do or won't do, can't we now tinker with the First Amendment just a bit?

Something like this, perhaps:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or but shall prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

What's the harm in changing just a few words?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Oh! And change the first clause to "Congress shall make no law showing respect for an establishment of religion…"

elviouslyqueer September 26, 2012 at 11:44 am

“The Senate’s action today will help ensure that U.S. air carriers and passengers will not be paying down European debt through this illegal tax and can instead be investing in creating jobs and stimulating our own economy,” Thune said in a statement.

How's that working out for ya, Johnny Boy?

no_gravity September 26, 2012 at 11:45 am

Mittz – What, me worry? There's no global climate change on Kolob.

DahBoner September 26, 2012 at 11:46 am

Huy

Ruhe September 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

So if the people who deny/ignore climate change are also the ones who typically deride evolution as merely a theory, and if our species is literally on the verge of being driven out of existence by some of the very mechanisms which that "theory" postulates, is that irony? Because I think that's the only really interesting issue for discussion here at the cafe at the end of the world, i.e., is our self destruction in any way ironic and interesting or just sad and stupid? Is god laughing or snickering or is he and or the universe just indifferent? Think about the number of deaths we are anticipating. One hundred Million? That's horrendous and yet it's not a dent in the global population (overpopulation). So we get lots of gruesome carnage now and the promise of plenty more to come. I just read "The Hunger Games" and thought it sucked. This real world narrative stinks too.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:40 pm

You could think a about it this way: The 100,000,000 million people who die will leave rotting corpses which will spread disease on a massive scale, thereby further reducing the population and humanity's environmental impact. The worldwide economic collapse will even further reduce humanity's carbon footprint, probably to the point that CO2 begins to fall again. So, really, it is good news.

LibrarianX September 26, 2012 at 11:47 am

If Sen. James Inhofe believes that God controls the climate, he should be concerned that God is trying to demolish his state of Oklahoma with fires, earthquakes and tornadoes. But then, subtlety is lost on people like Sen. James Inhofe.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:41 pm

But that's because of gays, as they are allergic to natural disasters.

James Michael Curley September 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Sen. James Inhofe, when Obama signed the first budget presented to him in October 2009 (Yes, Virginia Democratic Congresses and Democratic Presidents did get to pass budgets), got an earmark to clean up a lead based Superfund site in his state to the tune of getting almost 25% of the EPA's 'remediation' budget for that year. It was also accelerated so the clean up would proceed faster. I'm dealing with that as "Native Lands" are included in Region 2 EPA Superfund affairs and we are trying to get money.

SayItWithWookies September 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

But climate scientists have warned that the chance of limiting the rise to below 2C is getting smaller as global greenhouse gas emissions rise due to burning fossil fuels.

Oh sure, burning fossil fuels is going to destroy the earth, blah blah blah — just measure that against how angry Jesus will be when He comes back and finds out we haven't even touched all the coal that He left in the ground for us. We're not falling for that ruse, Mr. Evil One.

DahBoner September 26, 2012 at 11:49 am

Hey, what's the big hurry?

I say we should wait until millions of Republicans are wading through 6 feet of water in places like Floriduh, then offer them coupons for swimming lessons down at the Ayn Rand Swim Center…

ifthethunderdontgetya September 26, 2012 at 11:50 am
Guppy September 26, 2012 at 11:56 am

Bronies are invading my Wonkett!

pinkocommi September 26, 2012 at 11:50 am

It is ironic that Republicans reject the theory of evolution, but thoroughly subscribe to social darwinism.

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 11:50 am

When the waters rise on the Capital Mall in DC, will the water be warm, too? Because that would make a sweet, sweet hot tub.

Estproph September 26, 2012 at 11:52 am

I was re-reading the Rolling Stone article about climate change yesterday, when I noticed a fact that makes me very depressed: the real reason for such obstinacy from Big Oil/Coal is that the oil reserves they hold in the ground have already been traded as futures. So, for them to give up drilling/mining means they give up money they have already made. Fat chance of that ever happening.

pinkocommi September 26, 2012 at 11:53 am

Can someone point out to Republicans that an environmental holocaust won't be so good for job creation because we will all be dead?

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 12:19 pm

It's ok. They don't really care about creating jobs anyway.

OneDollarJuana September 26, 2012 at 11:54 am

Not to be a contra, but 100 million deaths just about matches the increase per year of human population. So global warming might be good thing if it stops human population increase.

MissTaken September 26, 2012 at 11:57 am

This makes no sense. It's cold and foggy in SF today so obviously climate change is a hoax.

emmelemm September 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Of course, this is the season called "autumn", in which such things might naturally be expected.

randcoolcatdaddy September 26, 2012 at 11:59 am

It's not "climate change", you liberal commie Wonketters. It's the "recent climate unpleasantness."

Lot_49 September 26, 2012 at 12:01 pm

"The War of Weather Secession"

GhostBuggy September 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"The War of Water Aggression."

eggsacklywright September 26, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Not entirely unlike the "nuclear misunderstanding."

iburl September 26, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Science is just fancy talk for "The-Devil's-Work". I'm sure the big invisible dude with the beard and gown will step in and save us all at the last possible moment, because, historically, that's how he generally operates.

red_kira September 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I love the smell of flaming poors in the morning!

calliecallie September 26, 2012 at 12:25 pm

"…U.S. air carriers and passengers will not be paying down European debt through this illegal tax and can instead be investing in creating jobs and stimulating our own economy…”

Because certainly the best way to stimulate the US economy is to take a European vacation.

An_Outhouse September 26, 2012 at 12:32 pm

"deaths of an estimated 100 million people in the next 18 years, "

This should solve all kinds of problems due to over population. File this under good news stories.

Fox n Fiends September 26, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Sweet Home Northern Yukon, where the skies are so bluuuuuee

barto September 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Kudos to senate Rs for passing their very first "jobs bill". They're so cute!

slowhansolo September 26, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I tacked the report to the fridge, where we can all see it,

Esteev September 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I'd advise to start praying but, that wouldn't work.

ttommyunger September 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Not reported is the fact that Sen. James Inhofe is about a gazillion years old and hates everybody, including himself, his kids and grandkids, so what's it to him, amirite?

docterry6973 September 26, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Meh.

But what about those substitute refs! Now there is a crisis.

valthemus September 26, 2012 at 8:50 pm

Deniers don't want to deal with climate change until its effects are obvious, costly and undeniable (in other words, when it's actually too late to fix anything).

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

There weren't no ice in that tequila and that seemed to work out really really good. So maybe just some agave plants and patience?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I have patience. You have agave? Or, fuck it, how about we skip right to the tequila?

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