Allen West Does Hilarious Allen West Impression, Will Murder U.N. With Bald Eagle Of Death

  some jokes are serious

Have a heaping helping today.Oh, man, Allen West gave us one helluva knee-slapper yesterday. The president addressed the United Nations, so logically West had to address Facebook. And he decided to give us a treat! Not only did he offer some commentary on the speech, but he also did a rip-roaring impression of himself that is such a good joke we only need to give it to you.

Allen West’s proposed revision to Obama’s U.N. address:

“The future does not belong to those who attack our Embassies and Consulates and kill our Ambassadors. The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.”

Take THAT, diplomacy!

For all you folks who say West should be president, this is surely only the tip of the humor iceberg that he would unleash from the Oval Office — good call! West managed to nail a pretty spot-on impression of a maniacal war-monger with the strength of a 100-megaton bomb powered by justice and the Old Testament: Just the kind of person who could literally destroy the world if given power and a microphone that isn’t owned by Mark Zuckerberg.

 
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Luckily, West is obviously not serious, and takes the hilarious fake Tea Party idiot satire a step further, lampooning the paranoid Beck devotees scared of the big, bad United Nations:

I shall not be tolerant of the intolerant. I know about the UN Resolution 1618 which would make any statement deemed by the Organization of Islamic Countries (OIC) “offensive’ to Islam a crime…..NOT ON MY WATCH FELLAS!

Har har har NOT ON HIS WATCH. He’s protecting us, you see? He has special insight into UN resolutions that the rest of us don’t know about.

Except, well, we do know about them, because the U.N. is a pretty together group of cats, and they put their resolutions On The Internet, where one with the proper satellite dinky-do can access it. It’s cleverly hidden on the United Nations website and, believe it or not, you can read it for your very self! The thing that before we linked you to it, was known only to Allen West.

If you give it a once-over, mayhaps you could explain to us what West’s “quotation marks” mean, because the term “offensive” that he cites doesn’t appear in the document, and neither does the Organization of Islamic Countries.

To be fair, the omission of the Organization of Islamic Countries is probably only attributable to that not being an organization that exists in real life, anywhere, unless that is secret Allen West knowledge too.

And how about this ominous secret document that is on the interblags? It says the Human Rights Council is “Deeply concerned about incidents of intolerance, discrimination and violence against persons based on their religion or belief in all regions of the world,” which doesn’t sound so evil, and the group also:

expresses deep concern at the continued serious instances of derogatory stereotyping, negative profiling and stigmatization of persons based on their religion or belief, as well as programmes and agendas pursued by extremist organizations and groups aimed at creating and perpetuating negative stereotypes about religious groups, in particular when condoned by Governments.

This sounds deceptively like the opposite of the thing West said, which might be part of his big jest to mock politicians who run campaigns based only on fear and ignorance. But let’s keep going…

Ah, here it is: They say states should be “adopting measures to criminalize incitement to imminent violence based on religion or belief.”

MUSLIMS! SHARIA LAW! GROUND ZERO MOSQUE! THERE IT IS! It’s our First Amendment right to say anything at all, and we’ll kill anybody who says otherwise with angels of death!

What’s that? Incitement to violence isn’t actually covered by the First Amendment? So that part is, like, already part of our laws?

Oh well. That’s probably part of the joke.

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171 comments

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Seriously, the fb freakos are killing me with this, I have GOT to get off of there. If I see ONE MORE PERSON talk about how we should stop giving these Muslims any more aid and how we should go in there and clean house, how illegitimate their religion is and NOT ONE OF THEM recognizes themselves for the SAME PEOPLE, same fundamentalist crazy fucks they are railing against (ask the Saudis how much they think the US is beholden to them? Ask a terrorist what they think their rights are to violently impose their god-sanctioned views? Ask a fundy-Muslim what they think of Christians or Jews?) It's driving me fucking crazy. oh my god Dandelion tea does NOT seem to be calming me down. Okay, that is all. and still, nice ass.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I "ignore" those people. They are almost worse than the people who constantly post pictures of their super ugly kids.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I need to do that too, then I would have about 15 people total on there, including Sarah Silverman and George Takei (my fake friends really are the best people)

      2. prommie

        You know the muslims had an amazing culture, the one that produced the Rubaiyat, our numbers, half the words we still use in chemistry and astronomy, plus too preserving the culture of the ancient greeks and romans. But then fundamentalism which I was saying yesterday is like some kind of mental disease that strikes societies, like when grasshoppers turn into locusts, fundamentalism took over and destroyed that muslim culture of the middle ages. And this fundamentalism thats taking over America right now will destroy our culture just as surely, if it continues. The fuckers are ruining my country! Make them stop!

        1. BerkeleyBear

          Had is a strong term, prommie. I'd say Islam still has an amazing culture, if you know where to look. Generally speaking the fundies are just the loudest assholes in the world, and moderates (just like here) tend to shy away from confronting them because, well, they want to get on with those pain in the ass things we call life.

          They rise and fall, but we will never be rid of them. We can only hope to patiently and persistently try not to let them infect us.

          1. prommie

            Their fundies being loud and very violent simply just do impede their culture severely, just as our fundies do and would even more so if they could. I have no problem with saying some cultures are superior to others. Cultures that revere freedom, equality, and knowledge, are better cultures, and fuck those cultures that would, for example, forbid women from driving, make them cover their faces, kill people for heresy or homosexuality, and destroy ancient works of art just because they are from another religion (the buddha statues in afghanistan for example). Seriously, fuck that culture. Oh all cultures have diversity and there are moderate sane muslims, bu their culture is dominated by the crazies and fuck them.

          2. Boojum

            Well, sure, but the culture of Athens in 400 BC, that was into assfucking little boys, has been secretly preserved by the Catholic Church and Penn State football.

          3. doloras

            My Iranian friends would disagree with you. Strongly. Who are you to say what cultures are dead and alive?

          1. prommie

            Lets form a Fitzgerald Society chapter! Thats a worthy thing, and would piss off fundamentalists of every variety, too. Open-mindedness, art, and knowledge are cryptonite to them.

      3. BerkeleyBear

        Calming thoughts, moderate Islam edition:

        Globally, the outpouring of sorrow in Libya for the death of Americans, and sincere anger directed against the militias the people of Benghazi blame for the death of ambassador Stevens is as beautiful thing you will see and the strongest counter argument you can make.

        In Egypt, the cooperation of Moursi demonstrates the Brotherhood is politically mature enough to suggest we should be able to work with them as long as out State Department and President aren't knee jerk idiots.

        In your neck of the woods, Atlanta has one of the largest, most integrated and generally cool Muslim populations of any US city. Now granted, it sorta has its roots in more of the Nation/African American Muslims, but at this point it is a diverse community.

        In totally cool but random notes, there are observant Muslims in both the NBA and NFL (Ramadan is apparently a very sucky time to be an athlete, but they pull it off). And right now, I know there is an athletic trainer at a major college who wears a head scarf even as she's taping up infidel white boys.

        So I guess my point is, even if the FB idiots can't see it, moderate Islam is everywhere around them and you, demonstrating its compatibility with and benefit to the greater society of America and the world every day. Maybe that knowledge will bring you a little peace – or at least a few laughs at the idiocy you see ignorant fucks spewing every day.

  1. memzilla

    …"The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.”

    Thus spake Dr. Strangeblah.

    Ask him his opinion on mineshafts and repopulating the earth, too, also.

  2. actor212

    The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle will visit you and wreak havoc and destruction upon your existence.

    …and how? Poop on it with the toxins built up from a lifetime of right-wing environmental degradations?

    1. BerkeleyBear

      I'm surprised he just didn't go full Toby Keith ("We'll put a boot in your ass, it's the American way" – which is so very true, in so many ways).

  3. Serolf_Divad

    So West's plan is to kill the terrorists with bald eagles? What, was the guy watching Ladyhawke last night, when suddenly a light went on in his head?

    You know, Rutger Hauer kills a bunch of bad guys with that falcon of his… maybe our soldiers could do the same thing …but with eagles!

    1. Preferred Customer

      He strikes me as more of a Beastmaster kind of guy. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

    2. Incitefully_Joe

      A friend of mine points out that Rutger Hauer, in every fantasy/period movie/SiFi miniseries he's in, Rutger Hauer only uses ranged weapons. The one time he kills a guy with a sword, it's by throwing said sword

    1. Serolf_Divad

      That's Doctor Allen West Dada, my friend. He did not confer that doctorate upon himself just to have you call him Mr.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Deprived of omega oils, all the glow will gone from your skin within decades, and who would want to live without radiant skin…?

  4. no_gravity

    Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle – PETA's going to be all over him for this statement.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Well really you want it in Latin, although the Etruscan histories claim the Romans just stole it from the Greeks (and you don't even want to hear the Han Chinese views).

  5. Preferred Customer

    In fairness, West's proposed speech sounds suspiciously like one I gave during Model U.N. in high school. Except I was representing the People's Republic of China, and I gave the speech in Latin.

    Man, I miss Model U.N.

    1. SorosBot

      Principal Skinner: Order! Order! Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

    2. BerkeleyBear

      You wanna really freak MUN types out, actually pull off the shit that goes on in the real body. Calls to prayer as walkout protests/slow rolls of debate do not go over well with the anal types who run that show.

  6. Schmannnity

    I, for one, am surprised that Dr. Mengele, a/k/a The Angel of Death, has been reincarnated as a bald eagle.

  7. eggsacklywright

    Which angel was the angel of death? Gabriel? Or was that an ark-angel? This religious crap confuses the hell out of me.

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    Ben Franklin was right- the turkey should have been our national bird. And we should not call him "Tom," but Allen.

    1. MacRaith

      Ever seen The Wind and the Lion? Love the scene where Brian Keith as Teddy Roosevelt explains why the grizzly bear should have been our national animal. "Blind and stupid", indeed.

  9. SorosBot

    The UN is certainly the place to address the actions of a terrorist organization opposed by the country they're operating in.

  10. Esteev

    Phew… Thank FSM that Allen West is here to protect us from Shari'a Law.

    But who will protect us from Christian law — you know — White Shari'a?

    1. BadKitty904

      "When Fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross" ~ attributed to Sinclair Lewis

  11. RemyLeHeaux

    This guys a F'ing idiot. That being said, that resolution is probably a little broader than our incitement to violence exception to the first Ammendment… and it will never pass anyway.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      The only thing it does is note a viewpoint specific clarification (that the imminent incitement can't be based on religion, presumably either as its inspiration or target). That would actually be narrower on its own than Brandenburg v. Ohio because of the viewpoint neutrality of that case, although I'm sure that most laypeople would view incitement more broadly given their views of the sensitivity of certain aspects of the population to perceived provocations. It wouldn't do anything to our jurisprudence, and if it was ever adopted as part of a convention we were expected to sign we'd drop a footnote citing our reservations about including viewpoint specific targeting in light of free speech issues and leave it at that.

      Not that a shit sandwich like West would ever grasp the nuances, but what are you going to do.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle"

    When he can't catch a fish, the American Bald Eagle usually feeds on carrion. Like a buzzard or a vulture.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    "The Angel of Death in the form of an American Bald Eagle"

    I guess Allen isn't happy with the Angel of Death in the form of a Predator Drone with Hellfire missiles that Obama has been unleashing on the heathen Muslims for the last 4 years.

  14. Not_So_Much

    If you read that "form of an American bald eagle!" part in the voice of the Chief Dan George (from the Outlaw Josey Wales), then it makes much more sense.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I noticed that a bunch of teabaggy types have been poking around in my profile. It means extra work for me, cleaning up all the cheeto fingerprints, but I feel a sense of accomplishment knowing that perhaps I added slightly to their impotent rage.

    1. SorosBot

      Nah, that's just one teabaggy type with a whole shitload of sockpuppets, our old stalking troll Spanky2b. He's currently four of my last five visitors too!

  16. ManchuCandidate

    This is the thing I don't get about wingnutty attacks on the UN.

    On one hand, they mock the UN like it is an organization made up of well meaning folks, grifters and incompetent dolts whose influence is measured by its impotence in world affairs.

    On the other, they're terrified that it is the one world gubbiment.

    One can not be the other, dumbasses.

    1. ph7

      They also chastise Obama for going on The View instead of visiting the UN, but then complain that no President should ever visit the one government UN.

      1. Guppy

        Unless it's W, to lie to their faces.

        Also, too: is there any way to get the UN to stop introducing US presidents as "his excellency?"

    2. Incitefully_Joe

      Obama is a terrifyingly devious empty suit who is planning a sharia-communist infiltration of America, and is also Hitler because he's a good public speaker, but can't form complete sentences or remember basic facts without a teleprompter.

      Everything fell apart under Bush because he was too liberal, which is why it's great news that Mitt Romney has all of Bush's old policy advisors on board to help turn things right around.

      I could keep going.

  17. VA_Dreaming

    Why does this country tolerate leaders (?) who stopped maturing in junior high, or high school. They sound really tough and sure of themselves, but only for about 5 seconds. Then you realize it is a lot of bluster and no ability to conceive of circumstances beyond their own.

  18. calliecallie

    Social media surely is a two-edged sword. When the founding fathers had that freedom of speech idea, I'm not sure they envisioned a world where any idiot could share any idiotic bit of free speech instantly with millions of people.

    But just think how much fun Ben Franklin would have with facebook if he were alive today.

  19. weejee

    Allen West is another creature than needs to crawl back under his rock. Clearly, the Stone Age is still going strong. Allen, please go back to your day job of bipolar flaking of flint.

  20. MistaEko

    And The LORD said unto Moses:
    "Behold, for that same night the angel of death in the form of an American Bald Eagle shall pass through Egypt, which is in the form of all Middle Eastern countries, really. He shall strike down every firstborn – man and beast – which are actually in the form of the Mosques. I shall bring judgement upon the gods of Egypt, which are in the form of Sharia Laws. I shall spare those who doth believe, who shall adorn their doors with the blood of the lamb, which shall be in the form of Apple Pie. I am the LORD."

    Moses returned to his people and thus said:
    "I dunno, guys…"

  21. cheetojeebus

    We have become so desensitized. We don't see the symbolic in the world around us like this gifted soul. When it rains in this dude's world it friggin rains with meaning. And the kicker is, he's realized he's controlling it all. So, it's perfectly natural for him to say he will rain down blows on his perceived enemies with the power of nature. It's like that episode of Twilight Zone "The Good Life" ( the documentary series that started the whole reality tv craze) http://goo.gl/IO727

  22. BaldarTFlagass

    Why are these wingnuts so afraid of Shari law? I mean, Lamb Chop, Charlie Horse, and Hush Puppy were pretty goddam innocuous, and besides, they're fucking hand puppets! Though I can understand their fear of Wing Ding, since he's black.

  23. James Michael Curley

    Is that what it is. Many mornings I can see a Bald Eagle over the area around my house flying out across the water to Staten Island. I thought he was just going to feed on the Arthur Kill Landfill Rats, but I guess its the Staten Island Tea Party Turncoat, Liberal, Muslin, Union Loving, Communist Congressmen Michael Grimm (Don't listen to his speeches they will keep you awake at night with nightmare about ovens.)

    1. Guppy

      National oil company of country with no Arctic shoreline disparages Arctic drilling.

      I'm sure he'd be just peachy with drilling in French Polynesia.

  24. OneDollarJuana

    Cracks me up how much "patriots" flaunt the Bald Eagle as this intimidating bird of prey, when in actuality, bald eagles are mostly scavengers.

  25. Mahousu

    You may laugh at that bald eagle comment, but I've seen a bald eagle tear into a roadkill squirrel and let me tell you – havoc and destruction is putting it mildly.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Jesus, man, can you change the station? I've had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    That whole "not on my watch" was quite the rage when I was in the Navy, relating to an anti-drug campaign: "Not on my watch, not on my ship, not in my Navy" we would say down in the shaft alley, as we blazed up the Thai stick we had smuggled on board during our recent liberty call in Pattaya Beach or Phuket, I can't remember now…

  27. randcoolcatdaddy

    I don't understand Allan West. Why does he have this secret desire to be a middle-aged, jingoistic, sexually insecure bigoted white guy?

  28. MonkeyMotion

    Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the Romney Administration's newly appointed Secretary of War.

    I'm sure the entire world will sleep much better now.

  29. Mittens Howell, III

    I can't see an American Bald Eagle as a minion of Allan West , maybe an Angel of Stupid in the form of an Asthmatic Duck.

  30. el_donaldo

    The sad thing is that have family members who as soon as this came out were sharing it and liking it and commenting on it all over my goddamn Facebook newsfeed.

    I'm going to have to force my self to admit that Facebook is about as rewarding and useful as the comments on YouTube videos.

  31. barto

    Why must you so ruthlessly parse everything this intellectual gnat says? There, there, Alllen, listen not to their reverse discrimination.

  32. bobbert

    As an aside, whoever painted the lovely illustration should really take a look at the star field on an actual US flag.

  33. ttommyunger

    Let the Eagle Soar! I can see it now, Ashcroft and West: the hottest salt & pepper duet team since, since……I got nuthin.

  34. owhatever

    The bald eagle that lives near me just packed up and flew to Canada rather than be drafted as an attack bird.

  35. Detesticle

    The American "bald" eagle is either wearing a toupee or has gotten hair plugs, because that eagle is not bald.

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