MORE LIKE BILL OLD AMIRIGHT  12:40 pm September 26, 2012

Confuzzled Florida Republican Stalked By Phantom Occupy Burglars

by Rich Abdill

"I just found a nickel."Rep. Bill Young (R-Hiding Under The Covers) was first elected to public office in 1960 and is, by the maths of some churches, literally older than the Earth itself. He has seen a lot of things, and dealt with a lot of things — but at 81, how many more Things can one guy deal with? Wage inequality is certainly not one of them; when asked about it, his only response was “Get a job,” because who would he be if not a caricature of an old man.

There’s something else that’s really irking him, though: This whole 99 Percent business, with their talk of “corporatism” and living in tents and yelling about whatever it is, who can hear with all this racket.

They’re new, and they’re scary — and they’re targeting Bill.

“My home’s been broken into twice,” Young said in the first in a series of three interviews with the Tampa Bay Times over the past two weeks. “And my wife and I have been stalked in Washington and here in Florida. Who’s behind it? I don’t know.”

But the 81-year-old congressman has his suspicions. He’s not looking at his Democratic Party opponent, Jessica Ehrlich. Instead, in two of the three interviews, he named both the Occupy Wall Street movement and the Florida Consumer Action Network as his suspects, explaining: “The Occupiers are after me.”

Do you hear that, Occupiers? Bill Young has been around the block once or twice or a million times, and he’s onto you. And the Tampa Bay Times lays out alllllll the evidence:

Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

Ah. Hm.

“There were no pry markings nor impact marks that would be consistent with a forced entry,” Officer Shaun Griffin wrote in his report on this year’s incident. Griffin said in a recent interview that, despite the wet conditions outside, police found no wet footprints anywhere inside the condo, another sign there was no break-in.

But — but Young was there! He has to have known what happened.

Young disagrees with the police conclusion about his alarm. He and his wife, Beverly, were in Washington when it happened, he said.

OK, so he wasn’t THERE, but he’s got evidence. He told police the intruders “left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there.” Intrigue!

In all three interviews, Young declined to name what the item was or where he found it, saying police had asked him to keep those details quiet. But Griffin described it as a pillow carried by a ring bearer at a wedding, adding, “There were kids’ jewelry rings that were attached to the bow.”

The pillow and rings were found on a couch on the second floor, the officer said. “We can’t figure out how it got there unless his grandchildren left it there or some of their friends,” Griffin said.

A-HA! The old “pillow on the couch routine.” Even more ominous than the lazier “ace of spades with a knife stuck in it” message. The other 2012 break-in, Young says, occurred when “his daughter-in-law apparently surprised an intruder in the condo who fled without taking anything.”

But his daughter-in-law, Ashley Young, said that apparent break-in had occurred in 2010, not this year. A police report agrees with her account.

Don’t worry, FL-10, your district is in good and not-at-all-confused hands. [Tampa Bay Times via Salon]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 172 comments }

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

“And my wife and I have been stalked in Washington and here in Florida. Who’s behind it? I don’t know."

I smell the stench of Mitt Romney here.

YasserArraFeck September 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Next time, slam on the brakes of the Hoverround, and take them stalkers completely by surprise

Designer_Rants September 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

It'll be a Stalker Pile-up!

tbogg September 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Is this going to be like Scream but with olds?

Blueb4sinrise September 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

What a great idea.

HogeyeGrex September 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Wheeze?

Designer_Rants September 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Snore?

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The calls are coming from INSIDE YOUR HEAD!

bobbert September 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm

So much win.

Gleem McShineys September 26, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I Know What You Did (In Your Adult Diapers) Last Summer

DemmeFatale September 26, 2012 at 4:24 pm

O.T.
Is that an English Cocker in your avatar?
(I asked weeks ago, but intense debate was having a bad day.)

elisabeth_vt September 26, 2012 at 6:56 pm

It's a Bassett Hound.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 26, 2012 at 9:33 pm

it's a Basset, hilarious little chubsters that they are…

tbogg September 27, 2012 at 12:55 am

Wembley the basset

nounverb911 September 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"police had asked him to keep those details quiet"
I bet it was his Rentboy account number that was stolen.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Are you shitting me? Republicans are so paranoid about THAT account number getting stolen that the old ones hide it in a safe, inside another safe surrounded by electrified wires. Younger ones hide it in their computer in a file named "evidence showing I am totally not secretly gay!"….which as anyone knows no one would figure to check that file. I've heard Boner keeps his numbers hidden in his massive bar tab figures…

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Occupy Ninjas, motherfuckah.

noodlesalad September 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

They don't leave footprints BECAUSE THEY NEVER TOUCH THE GROUND!!!!

noodlesalad September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

He may be a dingbat, but I strongly support his bill, H.R. 5436, "Is it time for the pancakes and turn on the television because it's time for pancakes." I think Roscoe Bartlett co-sponsored.

chicken_thief September 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Pancakes, with a side of bacon!!!

miss_grundy September 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Yum, I approve this message!!

DemmeFatale September 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Don't forget the "Get off my lawn" amendment to bill H.R. 5436.

noodlesalad September 26, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Or the Matlock Earmark.

Callyson September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Obscure ancient Congress lackey says what now?

mrpuma2u September 26, 2012 at 3:23 pm

They send his page over to wake him up in time to vote for whatever the orange Boner wants.

Terry September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Hallucinations are a symptom of dementia. They really are.

WIDTAP September 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Well, the loss of a sense of time, such a break-in this year versus two years ago, is really a symptom of memory loss and the beginning of dementia, but….

Oops, snark button was off. Sorry about that.

With votes, i mean.

DemmeFatale September 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Maybe that's why he insists on wearing that onion on his belt.
(It WAS the fashion of the time.)

Gleem McShineys September 26, 2012 at 4:13 pm

My onion is missing! HELP POLICE!

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I can't be demented! I'm on LSD!

Doktor Zoom September 26, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friends’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock…"

–Life of Brian

"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

–Jack Handey

freakishlywrong September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Upfists all around for a freaking Jack Handey ref, Zoom!

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Hey Old Guy Rep Bill Young, “Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.”

–also Jack Handey

bumfug September 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

All over America, Occupiers are going "Who the fuck is Bill Young?"

Callyson September 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

“The Occupiers are after me.”

How many Occupiers have even heard of this unimportant member of Congress? I'm going with NOTK…

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

If this is what the sad slippery slope of senility looks like, I am glad I am only a half oldz.

Baconzgood September 26, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It happened to my Grand pap. One day he was ok the next he was comming home in a police car for hitting a teenager on the bus with his cane.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

My grandma, all 4'10" of her started kicking people in the shins.

Geminisunmars September 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Jus you wait, young'un. It's not nearly as fun as it looks.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Honestly, it is beginning to set in. I now have a high frequency hearing loss and associated tinnitus. It has shaken me a bit. I know we don't last forever, I was just hoping replacement parts would be available by now.

Geez, I am 53 for geez sakes!!!

ph7 September 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Well, I went to the doctor
I said, "I'm feeling kind of rough"
He said, "Let me break it to you, son"
Your shit's fucked up."
I said, "my shit's fucked up?"
Well, I don't see how-"
He said, "The shit that used to work-
It won't work now."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHDdqubE7zQ

Geminisunmars September 26, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I'm 61 and hubby is 87. I took care of my parents during their final days, dying in their mid-80s. I know it is all inevitable, but it sure is damn hard. I'm planning on taking the easy way out before I'm too far gone, if I can remember to do it when the time comes.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I feel for you, having gone through that process. My older brother and I have a pact. Which ever one of us needs it first will be "taken on a hunting trip". I do hope his aim holds up longer than mine.

l_boogie September 26, 2012 at 12:45 pm

When reached out to for comment on the Occupy Bill Young's Lawn movement, Rep. Young (R-Dementia) replied, "HEEEENNNGHHH?"

calliecallie September 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Get off my lawn, you rotten kids!

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 26, 2012 at 9:38 pm

Then he followed that with, "as I was saying, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time…."

banana_bread September 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

So then he called the operator and she told him the paranoia is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!!

CrankyLttlCamperette September 26, 2012 at 9:44 pm

OF REPRESENTATIVES!!!

banana_bread September 26, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Zing!

hagajim September 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

What happened to the gold old days when a horses head was left for you? In this geezers case maybe a bottle of Geritol might serve better?

anniegetyerfun September 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Aw, damn, you beat me to it.

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 12:46 pm

The old “pillow on the couch routine.” just add roofies.

freakishlywrong September 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

My only regret in selling my house is that I don't get to vote against this immoral, stenching goblin again.

vodkamuppet September 27, 2012 at 1:59 am

Just vote there anyway. All democrats do it, or so I'm told.

Callyson September 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

He told police the intruders “left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there.”

How many times do we have to remind you to put the dildo away *before* the wife comes home?

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

But the backwards "B"!!!!

cc423 September 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Wayne Newton needs to take a nap.

midnighttoker69 September 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Jesus, time to take grandpa out of public office and put him in a nice home somewhere with a nice view, thickened food, and lots of valium.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 12:47 pm

I think he meant "orderlies" instead of "Occupiers". Aphasia is one of the signs of dementia. Or, he could just be a lying asshat drama queen.

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Hell bring on the caretakers. 40 ain't too old to just wanna lie in bed and have people bring me drugs, is it?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

You just described my retirement plans.

weejee September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Did they have nets and She1ey-approved huggy-bear coats?

banana_bread September 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Why not both?

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Isn't it time this guy packed it in and retired to Florida?

Wait a minute.

FakaktaSouth September 26, 2012 at 12:49 pm

At least this crazy fuckwit confused old man actually DOES seem to represent his actual constituency.

weejee September 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Oldez or the Florida State Mental Institution?

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

You just described teh GOP, twice.

no_gravity September 26, 2012 at 12:50 pm

New poster boy for the baggerz in Florida.

weejee September 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm

♪♫ Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man the #Occupiers come and take you away ♫♪

YouFail4eva September 26, 2012 at 1:54 pm

But then it turns out they just do mic checks outside your front door while beating on drums.

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Hmmm … a confused 81 year old and a Republican member of Congress. Looks like a case of Double Dementia, folks.

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Eastwood/Young 1958! USA! USA!

red_kira September 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You kids get off my lawn!

NorthStarSpanx September 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm

"My home's been broken into twice." Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

This was not intended to be a factual statement.

Exhausted66 September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

More like Bill Old.
Amiright?

YasserArraFeck September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Don Corleone finally went with the "horses head in the bed" approach after the "ring-bearer's pillow" gambit failed to engender the requisite degree of terror.

jaytingle September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

A pillow with kids' jewelry rings. Pretty sure I saw that tattoo at Zuccotti Park last week. And it reeked of Febreeze Thai Dragon Fruit Fabric Refresher.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

It might be childish, but I have this irresistable urge to run up behind him and yell "BOO!".

sewollef September 26, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Shame on you Jus…. how can you think of doing such a thing?

When sneaking up behind him and popping a balloon would see much better results.

miss_grundy September 26, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Really? Wouldn't BOOGA-BOOGA! be way better?

Baconzgood September 26, 2012 at 12:52 pm

The calls are comming form inside the house!

emmelemm September 26, 2012 at 1:14 pm

The calls are cumming from inside the house?

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 1:19 pm

the calls are e.e. cummings from inside the house!

elviouslyqueer September 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Cum is calling from inside the house!

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

the c all

s

ar e e e cum

mings

FROM in

sidethehouse

!

emmelemm September 26, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Serious literary WIN.

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:33 pm

toujours gai kid

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Musta been an English major.

SayItWithWookies September 26, 2012 at 12:53 pm

"And someone keeps leaving the clicker in the sofa cushions. And yesterday my car keys were in the refrigerator and the steak I bought was hanging from the hook by the front door. It's those Russkies up to no good again."

NorthStarSpanx September 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Oh I remember him, he's one of the only Congressman to have never graduated High School. And look at how that worked out for him, and America too.

barto September 26, 2012 at 12:54 pm

At his age you gotta kinda wonder: right condo? right street? right city? obviously he's quite fuzzy on timelines…

banana_bread September 26, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This is not my beautiful wife! How did I get here?

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:36 pm

More like "Puzzling Evidence"…

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

He also calls the cops when the onions for his belt go missing.

CrunchyKnee September 26, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

Slim_Pickins September 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

He is also running an anti-incumbent campaign against Jessica Ehrlich.

miss_grundy September 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Wait, what? But he's been in Congress since the Sixties?????

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

His rentboy left a footlong dildo on the nightstand.
dah dah DAH!

Not_So_Much September 26, 2012 at 1:10 pm

I assumed someone left a diesel-powered Anal-Intruder™ flopping around on his coffee table. A pillow just seems weak. (unless it's covered with bite marks)

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

You're not paranoid, old guy. We ARE out to get you.

YouFail4eva September 26, 2012 at 1:55 pm

With votes, right? Just want to confirm.

PsycWench September 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Someone breaks into my office and leaves papers lying around everywhere, I never know where my coffee cup will be, there are piles of books all over…

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

God, you too? When will this nightmare end?

sewollef September 26, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Sounds like my studio at home, you been sneaking in again Psyc?

PsycWench September 26, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Um, no, and also you should buy more M&Ms.

Fare la Volpe September 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Dementia's a hell of a drug. A former coworker of mine used to think the year was 1994, and would call me by her son's name every time we spoke.

She never hallucinated that anarchists were breaking into her house, but you should have heard her beliefs about reverse vampires.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"and would call me by her son's name every time we spoke"

With a minor amount of convincing, you might get in her Will.

Chow Yun Flat September 26, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Sorry Bill, but no one has stalked or even been mildly interested in you for decades.

Poindexter718 September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Man's got a point. Just this weekend an occupy thug disguised himself as an eighth-grader and broke into Rep. Grimm's office.
Was serious: He deleted all of Rep. Grimm's porn and replaced it with Rachel Maddow clips.

Hera Sent Me September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Bill is back home after failing to get his signature piece of legislation, the "You Kids Get Offa My Lawn" Act, passed through a recalcitrant Senate.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"GET OFF MY CONDO!!!!1!1!!"

comrad_darkness September 26, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Senile and scared is no way to go through congress, Gramps.

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Get thee to the nursing home.

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

"Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

elviouslyqueer September 26, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Dear Rep. Young:

It was Colonel Mustard, in the pantry, with a rust-encrusted dildo. Now kindly STFU and go back to watching Matlock reruns, you senile moron.

No love,

Jessica Fletcher

Thurman Munster IV September 26, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Matlock was a commie. Look it up.

kittensdontlie September 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The solution of this crime is more shocking then anyone would have realized:
The Occupiers were there, and they are his grandchildren….that's gotta hurt.

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I bet it was George Zimmerman.

actor212 September 26, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Stand Your Linens!

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 26, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Nahhh….Young is too white. George only lurks in black peoples homes and then when someone notices him, he shoots them and claims his life was in danger after scuffing his own head to show injuries. That's totally a different thing…by the way, is anyone aside from me totally not surprised his "alternate" account to the physical evidence is coming apart at the seams? Yes George, Trayvon Martin a man with no history of violence suddenly grabs your gun and says "you're going to die tonight"…while you with a long history of violence and an authority complex (not to mention racist proclivities toward young black males) was just walking away from the scene when he attacked you…uh huh…

herecomedajudge September 26, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Holy Shit! I was born in 1961, I feel old…a lot, and forget shit all the time, and he's been in office for longer than I've been alive……..jesushchrist

Mittens Howell, III September 26, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Oh Sweetie, you mean the people who had their jobs and futures ripped away from them because of the policies you've supported all your career?

Those people you responded to with a thinly veiled 'Fuck You'?

Those are the people you are now intensely paranoid about, worried day and night that they might track you down and hurt you, maybe?

Let me reassure you …

AAAAAAAAARGHH!!! HERE THEY COME!! RUN RUN! HERE THEY COME!!

ManchuCandidate September 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Who are we kidding? It's those fucking saucer people with their black helos and anal DNA probes.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

That's a party in some parts of New Mexico.

Boojum September 26, 2012 at 1:30 pm

That's a Romney fundraiser.

LibrarianX September 26, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there."

Translation: he crapped on the floor of the kitchen – blames intruders.

An_Outhouse September 26, 2012 at 1:03 pm

"You kids get off my couch and take that pillow with you!!!"

KeepFnThatChicken September 26, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Dennis Miller, back when he was funny, once remarked how Ronald Reagan would be 77 at the end of his term. He also remarked that Reagan had access to The Button (kids, if you don't understand this, ask an old.)

He further iterated that his grandfather was also 77, yet the family would not even give him the TV remote.

And upon reflection, wow, Dennis Miller really never was that funny. Jesus.

Jus_Wonderin September 26, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Wouldn't prunes help him?

sullivanst September 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

He looks like a creepy, unlikeable, paranoid version of Regis Philbin.

keinsignal September 26, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Look, congressmen are supposed to reflect the priorities and worldview of their constituents, so personally I can't imagine a better individual to represent Florida's 10th.

Generation[redacted] September 26, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Alright, which one of you lefty occupiers hid my keys?!

Mondo_Cane September 26, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Grandpa?!!!

BaldarTFlagass September 26, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Ya know what always kinda skeeves me out? When someone's entire face only occupies the bottom half of their head. Yeah, go back up there and take a look. Of course, it's even worse when their face occupies the top half of their head, but someone that looked like that would probably never get elected no matter how teabaggy he/she was.

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:17 pm

"Bill Young, Coot"

comrad_darkness September 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Is it okay to make fun of the elderly if they are using their position of power to screw up our lives?

UnholyMoses September 26, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Is it okay to make fun of the elderly … "

Yes.

The rest of your question is superfluous.

Blueb4sinrise September 26, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Granpa Dude, if you're worried now, just wait until people find out about the video you made about Muhammed.

qwerty42 September 26, 2012 at 1:23 pm

" …The old “pillow on the couch routine.” Even more ominous than the lazier “ace of spades with a knife stuck in it” message. …
Next, while out walking late one afternoon, at twilight, a rough-looking stranger wearing a tricorn hat will appear out of the evening mists and hand him a piece of paper. It will be a page torn out of a bible and will have a black spot drawn on it. The stranger will then wheel and disappear into the fog.

BadKitty904 September 26, 2012 at 1:26 pm

He should keep a weather-eye out for a sea-faring man with one leg…

johnetic September 26, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Begging your pardon, Tampa Bay Times, what is this thing you are doing, checking facts with other sources before printing the unvarnished ramblings of someone? Don't you know that if a politician says something, your job is not to check the facts, but just type out the statement on your 'puter and send it through your Printmaster software direct to the printer? One could accuse you of actual journalism. This will never do.

4TheTurnstiles September 26, 2012 at 1:27 pm

A Specter is haunting Bill Young. It is the Specter of Karma Biting him in his Old Man Ass.

Serolf_Divad September 26, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Yeah, pretty much every time a paranoid 81 year old's burglar alarm goes off it's because the hippies are breaking in to steal his Geritol (they use over-the-counter medications for cooking meth, or something, he's heard) and not because he keeps forgetting to punch-in the code to turn off the alarm when he gets back from the 5:30 early bird special at Golden Corral.

Estproph September 26, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Occupy Senility

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 26, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Somebody keeps leaving red dog hair all over my floor. It's starting to seriously piss me off.

pdiddycornchips September 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Today we are all lords of the pillow ring.

weejee September 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Has teh Wonkette filed for a copyright on Confuzzled?

randcoolcatdaddy September 26, 2012 at 1:37 pm

At 81, he's younger than 95% of his constituents in Florida. And just as batty.

UnholyMoses September 26, 2012 at 1:39 pm

We should start killing the oldz* and turn them into Soylent Green Tapioca to be served on the 4 pm dinner buffet.

(* WITH VOTES, OKAY?!)

Amanwithnoplan September 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

As the disease spreads to more regions of the brain, additional clinical symptoms may include:

increasing memory loss and confusion
shortened attention span
problems recognizing friends and family members
difficulty with language and problems with reading, writing, or working with numbers
difficulty organizing thoughts and thinking logically
inability to learn new tasks or to cope with new or unexpected situations
inappropriate outbursts of anger
perceptual-motor problems, such as trouble getting out of a chair or setting the table
repetitive statements or movement, and occasional muscle twitches
hallucinations, delusions, suspiciousness or paranoia, and irritability
loss of impulse control, such as undressing at inappropriate times or places or using vulgar language
exacerbation of behavioral symptoms, such as restlessness, agitation, anxiety, tearfulness, and wandering —especially in the late afternoon or evening—called, “sundowning”

Sundown time.

AP

Blueb4sinrise September 26, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Uh oh. We're in deep trouble.

fuflans September 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

hi FL:

could you just stop for godssake?!?

thanks.

the rest of us

anniegetyerfun September 26, 2012 at 1:45 pm

My grandmother went to her grave believing that the KGB was still trying to find her (she died in 2000). Thank goodness she didn't ever run for office.

HogeyeGrex September 26, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Sounds like someone's about ready for a trip to the glue factory.

With votes, of course.

4TheTurnstiles September 26, 2012 at 1:57 pm

This horse is smarter than Bill Young:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VTTbmsMRrc

Naked_Bunny September 26, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I hate it when I'm stalked by phantom buglers. Why can't it be phantom harpists, or at least phantom pan flautists?

ttommyunger September 26, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Ha, Ha, Wonkette! The joke's on you: 81 is fucking adolescent where this dickwad comes from. He's in his prime! (shudder)

anniegetyerfun September 26, 2012 at 1:49 pm

It's a well-known fact that Francis Ford Coppola considered using a ringbearer pillow in lieu of the horse head scene in The Godfather, but it was deemed too terrifying.

Trannysurprise September 26, 2012 at 1:53 pm

My grandmother thought she had been broken into once. She saw where they left their clothes.

Turns out they were just her own clothes she forgot about.

And she thought Mexicans stole her air conditioner.

proudgrampa September 26, 2012 at 1:59 pm

I just want to say to my fellow Wonketteers who address this bozo as "Gramps" or "Grandpa" that said bozo does NOT, in anyway, represent the views or opinions of this proudgrampa.

He should know that it's time to get on the ice floe.

owhatever September 26, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Okay, Occupiers. We have the old man confused and frightened. Good work. Now time for the big strike. You know what to do. And again, stay invisible.

DahBoner September 26, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Stay invisible, my friends…

Thurman Munster IV September 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The paranoids are after me!

Esteev September 26, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

lilah80 September 26, 2012 at 2:51 pm

You know, the same thing kept happening to my 94-year-old Bapa, except it was children hiding under the bed who were breaking in and stealing his things. Of course, as he said, "You don't blame the children, it's the parents and how they were raised."

Also, he was dangerously senile.

Also, instead of being in charge of the business of state, he was watched by home health care nurses around the clock. Something to think about, Young Family.

DahBoner September 26, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I SEE STUPID PEOPLE

BartStarrland September 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Change your security code from 1-2-3-4 old man!

slowhansolo September 26, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Somebody keeps closing shades! Open when I leave, closed when I come home! We're haunted by occupados!

LibertyLover September 26, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Clearly it wasn't Occupy at all. More likely, it was teh gheys. Can't you see the pillow on the couch with two child rings are complete code for Gay Marriage! Of course, it's all so clear to me now.

BZ1 September 26, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Bill Young is a misnomer, right?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm

I think this guys brain is lumpier and of thinner consistency than his Quaker Oatmeal…totally doesn't bother me that he's still a sitting Rep. Nope, not at all….

Geminisunmars September 26, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I'll probably get in my car for a long long drive.

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