more like bill old amiright

Confuzzled Florida Republican Stalked By Phantom Occupy Burglars

"I just found a nickel."Rep. Bill Young (R-Hiding Under The Covers) was first elected to public office in 1960 and is, by the maths of some churches, literally older than the Earth itself. He has seen a lot of things, and dealt with a lot of things — but at 81, how many more Things can one guy deal with? Wage inequality is certainly not one of them; when asked about it, his only response was “Get a job,” because who would he be if not a caricature of an old man.

There’s something else that’s really irking him, though: This whole 99 Percent business, with their talk of “corporatism” and living in tents and yelling about whatever it is, who can hear with all this racket.

They’re new, and they’re scary — and they’re targeting Bill.

“My home’s been broken into twice,” Young said in the first in a series of three interviews with the Tampa Bay Times over the past two weeks. “And my wife and I have been stalked in Washington and here in Florida. Who’s behind it? I don’t know.”

But the 81-year-old congressman has his suspicions. He’s not looking at his Democratic Party opponent, Jessica Ehrlich. Instead, in two of the three interviews, he named both the Occupy Wall Street movement and the Florida Consumer Action Network as his suspects, explaining: “The Occupiers are after me.”

Do you hear that, Occupiers? Bill Young has been around the block once or twice or a million times, and he’s onto you. And the Tampa Bay Times lays out alllllll the evidence:

Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

Ah. Hm.

“There were no pry markings nor impact marks that would be consistent with a forced entry,” Officer Shaun Griffin wrote in his report on this year’s incident. Griffin said in a recent interview that, despite the wet conditions outside, police found no wet footprints anywhere inside the condo, another sign there was no break-in.

But — but Young was there! He has to have known what happened.

Young disagrees with the police conclusion about his alarm. He and his wife, Beverly, were in Washington when it happened, he said.

OK, so he wasn’t THERE, but he’s got evidence. He told police the intruders “left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there.” Intrigue!

In all three interviews, Young declined to name what the item was or where he found it, saying police had asked him to keep those details quiet. But Griffin described it as a pillow carried by a ring bearer at a wedding, adding, “There were kids’ jewelry rings that were attached to the bow.”

The pillow and rings were found on a couch on the second floor, the officer said. “We can’t figure out how it got there unless his grandchildren left it there or some of their friends,” Griffin said.

A-HA! The old “pillow on the couch routine.” Even more ominous than the lazier “ace of spades with a knife stuck in it” message. The other 2012 break-in, Young says, occurred when “his daughter-in-law apparently surprised an intruder in the condo who fled without taking anything.”

But his daughter-in-law, Ashley Young, said that apparent break-in had occurred in 2010, not this year. A police report agrees with her account.

Don’t worry, FL-10, your district is in good and not-at-all-confused hands. [Tampa Bay Times via Salon]

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172 comments

  1. Mittens Howell, III

    “And my wife and I have been stalked in Washington and here in Florida. Who’s behind it? I don’t know."

    I smell the stench of Mitt Romney here.

  2. nounverb911

    "police had asked him to keep those details quiet"
    I bet it was his Rentboy account number that was stolen.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Are you shitting me? Republicans are so paranoid about THAT account number getting stolen that the old ones hide it in a safe, inside another safe surrounded by electrified wires. Younger ones hide it in their computer in a file named "evidence showing I am totally not secretly gay!"….which as anyone knows no one would figure to check that file. I've heard Boner keeps his numbers hidden in his massive bar tab figures…

  3. noodlesalad

    He may be a dingbat, but I strongly support his bill, H.R. 5436, "Is it time for the pancakes and turn on the television because it's time for pancakes." I think Roscoe Bartlett co-sponsored.

    1. WIDTAP

      Well, the loss of a sense of time, such a break-in this year versus two years ago, is really a symptom of memory loss and the beginning of dementia, but….

      Oops, snark button was off. Sorry about that.

      With votes, i mean.

  4. Doktor Zoom

    "And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friends’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock…"

    –Life of Brian

    "Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done."

    –Jack Handey

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Hey Old Guy Rep Bill Young, “Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.”

      –also Jack Handey

  5. Callyson

    “The Occupiers are after me.”

    How many Occupiers have even heard of this unimportant member of Congress? I'm going with NOTK…

    1. Baconzgood

      It happened to my Grand pap. One day he was ok the next he was comming home in a police car for hitting a teenager on the bus with his cane.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Honestly, it is beginning to set in. I now have a high frequency hearing loss and associated tinnitus. It has shaken me a bit. I know we don't last forever, I was just hoping replacement parts would be available by now.

        Geez, I am 53 for geez sakes!!!

        1. Geminisunmars

          I'm 61 and hubby is 87. I took care of my parents during their final days, dying in their mid-80s. I know it is all inevitable, but it sure is damn hard. I'm planning on taking the easy way out before I'm too far gone, if I can remember to do it when the time comes.

          1. Jus_Wonderin

            I feel for you, having gone through that process. My older brother and I have a pact. Which ever one of us needs it first will be "taken on a hunting trip". I do hope his aim holds up longer than mine.

  6. l_boogie

    When reached out to for comment on the Occupy Bill Young's Lawn movement, Rep. Young (R-Dementia) replied, "HEEEENNNGHHH?"

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Then he followed that with, "as I was saying, I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time…."

  7. hagajim

    What happened to the gold old days when a horses head was left for you? In this geezers case maybe a bottle of Geritol might serve better?

  8. freakishlywrong

    My only regret in selling my house is that I don't get to vote against this immoral, stenching goblin again.

  9. Callyson

    He told police the intruders “left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there.”

    How many times do we have to remind you to put the dildo away *before* the wife comes home?

  10. midnighttoker69

    Jesus, time to take grandpa out of public office and put him in a nice home somewhere with a nice view, thickened food, and lots of valium.

  11. Boojum

    I think he meant "orderlies" instead of "Occupiers". Aphasia is one of the signs of dementia. Or, he could just be a lying asshat drama queen.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Hell bring on the caretakers. 40 ain't too old to just wanna lie in bed and have people bring me drugs, is it?

  12. weejee

    ♪♫ Paranoia strikes deep
    Into your life it will creep
    It starts when you're always afraid
    You step out of line, the man the #Occupiers come and take you away ♫♪

  13. Mittens Howell, III

    Hmmm … a confused 81 year old and a Republican member of Congress. Looks like a case of Double Dementia, folks.

  14. NorthStarSpanx

    "My home's been broken into twice." Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

    This was not intended to be a factual statement.

  15. YasserArraFeck

    Don Corleone finally went with the "horses head in the bed" approach after the "ring-bearer's pillow" gambit failed to engender the requisite degree of terror.

  16. jaytingle

    A pillow with kids' jewelry rings. Pretty sure I saw that tattoo at Zuccotti Park last week. And it reeked of Febreeze Thai Dragon Fruit Fabric Refresher.

    1. sewollef

      Shame on you Jus…. how can you think of doing such a thing?

      When sneaking up behind him and popping a balloon would see much better results.

  17. SayItWithWookies

    "And someone keeps leaving the clicker in the sofa cushions. And yesterday my car keys were in the refrigerator and the steak I bought was hanging from the hook by the front door. It's those Russkies up to no good again."

  18. NorthStarSpanx

    Oh I remember him, he's one of the only Congressman to have never graduated High School. And look at how that worked out for him, and America too.

  19. barto

    At his age you gotta kinda wonder: right condo? right street? right city? obviously he's quite fuzzy on timelines…

    1. CrunchyKnee

      Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say.

    1. Not_So_Much

      I assumed someone left a diesel-powered Anal-Intruder™ flopping around on his coffee table. A pillow just seems weak. (unless it's covered with bite marks)

  20. PsycWench

    Someone breaks into my office and leaves papers lying around everywhere, I never know where my coffee cup will be, there are piles of books all over…

  21. Fare la Volpe

    Dementia's a hell of a drug. A former coworker of mine used to think the year was 1994, and would call me by her son's name every time we spoke.

    She never hallucinated that anarchists were breaking into her house, but you should have heard her beliefs about reverse vampires.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "and would call me by her son's name every time we spoke"

      With a minor amount of convincing, you might get in her Will.

  22. Poindexter718

    Man's got a point. Just this weekend an occupy thug disguised himself as an eighth-grader and broke into Rep. Grimm's office.
    Was serious: He deleted all of Rep. Grimm's porn and replaced it with Rachel Maddow clips.

  23. Hera Sent Me

    Bill is back home after failing to get his signature piece of legislation, the "You Kids Get Offa My Lawn" Act, passed through a recalcitrant Senate.

    1. BadKitty904

      "Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot."

  24. elviouslyqueer

    Dear Rep. Young:

    It was Colonel Mustard, in the pantry, with a rust-encrusted dildo. Now kindly STFU and go back to watching Matlock reruns, you senile moron.

    No love,

    Jessica Fletcher

  25. kittensdontlie

    The solution of this crime is more shocking then anyone would have realized:
    The Occupiers were there, and they are his grandchildren….that's gotta hurt.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Nahhh….Young is too white. George only lurks in black peoples homes and then when someone notices him, he shoots them and claims his life was in danger after scuffing his own head to show injuries. That's totally a different thing…by the way, is anyone aside from me totally not surprised his "alternate" account to the physical evidence is coming apart at the seams? Yes George, Trayvon Martin a man with no history of violence suddenly grabs your gun and says "you're going to die tonight"…while you with a long history of violence and an authority complex (not to mention racist proclivities toward young black males) was just walking away from the scene when he attacked you…uh huh…

  26. herecomedajudge

    Holy Shit! I was born in 1961, I feel old…a lot, and forget shit all the time, and he's been in office for longer than I've been alive……..jesushchrist

  27. Mittens Howell, III

    Oh Sweetie, you mean the people who had their jobs and futures ripped away from them because of the policies you've supported all your career?

    Those people you responded to with a thinly veiled 'Fuck You'?

    Those are the people you are now intensely paranoid about, worried day and night that they might track you down and hurt you, maybe?

    Let me reassure you …

    AAAAAAAAARGHH!!! HERE THEY COME!! RUN RUN! HERE THEY COME!!

  28. LibrarianX

    "left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there."

    Translation: he crapped on the floor of the kitchen – blames intruders.

  29. KeepFnThatChicken

    Dennis Miller, back when he was funny, once remarked how Ronald Reagan would be 77 at the end of his term. He also remarked that Reagan had access to The Button (kids, if you don't understand this, ask an old.)

    He further iterated that his grandfather was also 77, yet the family would not even give him the TV remote.

    And upon reflection, wow, Dennis Miller really never was that funny. Jesus.

  30. keinsignal

    Look, congressmen are supposed to reflect the priorities and worldview of their constituents, so personally I can't imagine a better individual to represent Florida's 10th.

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    Ya know what always kinda skeeves me out? When someone's entire face only occupies the bottom half of their head. Yeah, go back up there and take a look. Of course, it's even worse when their face occupies the top half of their head, but someone that looked like that would probably never get elected no matter how teabaggy he/she was.

  32. comrad_darkness

    Is it okay to make fun of the elderly if they are using their position of power to screw up our lives?

  33. Blueb4sinrise

    Granpa Dude, if you're worried now, just wait until people find out about the video you made about Muhammed.

  34. qwerty42

    " …The old “pillow on the couch routine.” Even more ominous than the lazier “ace of spades with a knife stuck in it” message. …
    Next, while out walking late one afternoon, at twilight, a rough-looking stranger wearing a tricorn hat will appear out of the evening mists and hand him a piece of paper. It will be a page torn out of a bible and will have a black spot drawn on it. The stranger will then wheel and disappear into the fog.

  35. johnetic

    Begging your pardon, Tampa Bay Times, what is this thing you are doing, checking facts with other sources before printing the unvarnished ramblings of someone? Don't you know that if a politician says something, your job is not to check the facts, but just type out the statement on your 'puter and send it through your Printmaster software direct to the printer? One could accuse you of actual journalism. This will never do.

  36. Serolf_Divad

    Yeah, pretty much every time a paranoid 81 year old's burglar alarm goes off it's because the hippies are breaking in to steal his Geritol (they use over-the-counter medications for cooking meth, or something, he's heard) and not because he keeps forgetting to punch-in the code to turn off the alarm when he gets back from the 5:30 early bird special at Golden Corral.

  37. UnholyMoses

    We should start killing the oldz* and turn them into Soylent Green Tapioca to be served on the 4 pm dinner buffet.

    (* WITH VOTES, OKAY?!)

  38. Amanwithnoplan

    As the disease spreads to more regions of the brain, additional clinical symptoms may include:

    increasing memory loss and confusion
    shortened attention span
    problems recognizing friends and family members
    difficulty with language and problems with reading, writing, or working with numbers
    difficulty organizing thoughts and thinking logically
    inability to learn new tasks or to cope with new or unexpected situations
    inappropriate outbursts of anger
    perceptual-motor problems, such as trouble getting out of a chair or setting the table
    repetitive statements or movement, and occasional muscle twitches
    hallucinations, delusions, suspiciousness or paranoia, and irritability
    loss of impulse control, such as undressing at inappropriate times or places or using vulgar language
    exacerbation of behavioral symptoms, such as restlessness, agitation, anxiety, tearfulness, and wandering —especially in the late afternoon or evening—called, “sundowning”

    Sundown time.

    AP

  39. anniegetyerfun

    My grandmother went to her grave believing that the KGB was still trying to find her (she died in 2000). Thank goodness she didn't ever run for office.

  40. Naked_Bunny

    I hate it when I'm stalked by phantom buglers. Why can't it be phantom harpists, or at least phantom pan flautists?

  41. ttommyunger

    Ha, Ha, Wonkette! The joke's on you: 81 is fucking adolescent where this dickwad comes from. He's in his prime! (shudder)

  42. anniegetyerfun

    It's a well-known fact that Francis Ford Coppola considered using a ringbearer pillow in lieu of the horse head scene in The Godfather, but it was deemed too terrifying.

  43. Trannysurprise

    My grandmother thought she had been broken into once. She saw where they left their clothes.

    Turns out they were just her own clothes she forgot about.

    And she thought Mexicans stole her air conditioner.

  44. proudgrampa

    I just want to say to my fellow Wonketteers who address this bozo as "Gramps" or "Grandpa" that said bozo does NOT, in anyway, represent the views or opinions of this proudgrampa.

    He should know that it's time to get on the ice floe.

  45. owhatever

    Okay, Occupiers. We have the old man confused and frightened. Good work. Now time for the big strike. You know what to do. And again, stay invisible.

  46. lilah80

    You know, the same thing kept happening to my 94-year-old Bapa, except it was children hiding under the bed who were breaking in and stealing his things. Of course, as he said, "You don't blame the children, it's the parents and how they were raised."

    Also, he was dangerously senile.

    Also, instead of being in charge of the business of state, he was watched by home health care nurses around the clock. Something to think about, Young Family.

  47. LibertyLover

    Clearly it wasn't Occupy at all. More likely, it was teh gheys. Can't you see the pillow on the couch with two child rings are complete code for Gay Marriage! Of course, it's all so clear to me now.

  48. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    I think this guys brain is lumpier and of thinner consistency than his Quaker Oatmeal…totally doesn't bother me that he's still a sitting Rep. Nope, not at all….

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