Confuzzled Florida Republican Stalked By Phantom Occupy Burglars

Rep. Bill Young (R-Hiding Under The Covers) was first elected to public office in 1960 and is, by the maths of some churches, literally older than the Earth itself. He has seen a lot of things, and dealt with a lot of things — but at 81, how many more Things can one guy deal with? Wage inequality is certainly not one of them; when asked about it, his only response was “Get a job,” because who would he be if not a caricature of an old man.

There’s something else that’s really irking him, though: This whole 99 Percent business, with their talk of “corporatism” and living in tents and yelling about whatever it is, who can hear with all this racket.

They’re new, and they’re scary — and they’re targeting Bill.

“My home’s been broken into twice,” Young said in the first in a series of three interviews with the Tampa Bay Times over the past two weeks. “And my wife and I have been stalked in Washington and here in Florida. Who’s behind it? I don’t know.”

But the 81-year-old congressman has his suspicions. He’s not looking at his Democratic Party opponent, Jessica Ehrlich. Instead, in two of the three interviews, he named both the Occupy Wall Street movement and the Florida Consumer Action Network as his suspects, explaining: “The Occupiers are after me.”

Do you hear that, Occupiers? Bill Young has been around the block once or twice or a million times, and he’s onto you. And the Tampa Bay Times lays out alllllll the evidence:

Indian Shores police say they haven’t seen signs of any break-ins at Young’s condominium this year.

Ah. Hm.

“There were no pry markings nor impact marks that would be consistent with a forced entry,” Officer Shaun Griffin wrote in his report on this year’s incident. Griffin said in a recent interview that, despite the wet conditions outside, police found no wet footprints anywhere inside the condo, another sign there was no break-in.

But — but Young was there! He has to have known what happened.

Young disagrees with the police conclusion about his alarm. He and his wife, Beverly, were in Washington when it happened, he said.

OK, so he wasn’t THERE, but he’s got evidence. He told police the intruders “left an item in a very, very prominent place to make sure I knew they had been there.” Intrigue!

In all three interviews, Young declined to name what the item was or where he found it, saying police had asked him to keep those details quiet. But Griffin described it as a pillow carried by a ring bearer at a wedding, adding, “There were kids’ jewelry rings that were attached to the bow.”

The pillow and rings were found on a couch on the second floor, the officer said. “We can’t figure out how it got there unless his grandchildren left it there or some of their friends,” Griffin said.

A-HA! The old “pillow on the couch routine.” Even more ominous than the lazier “ace of spades with a knife stuck in it” message. The other 2012 break-in, Young says, occurred when “his daughter-in-law apparently surprised an intruder in the condo who fled without taking anything.”

But his daughter-in-law, Ashley Young, said that apparent break-in had occurred in 2010, not this year. A police report agrees with her account.

Don’t worry, FL-10, your district is in good and not-at-all-confused hands. [Tampa Bay Times via Salon]