Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and nuanced commentary about how much he sucks? Well, your Wonkette is here to help! It’s very easy to get in touch with Todd Akin and tell him how much he sucks, you just write a check, preferably for a “substantial amount,” and this will get his attention. Here, watch him explain to you in this video about how you get your Congressman’s attention (hint: send him muneez.)
It starts when an unsuspecting man asks him the best way to get in touch with him, innocently asking “should we write a letter?” No, dummy, you should not write a letter, unless the letter is a picture of Ben Franklin.
AKIN: I’m in a three-way primary for the US Senate. I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.
ONE way. He won’t tell you what the other ways are.
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Comb over moneywhore sez what?
Can we make comb-overs a hanging offense? Don't much like capital punishment, but for some offenses I could make an exception.
/ buffs his bald pate
Joke my junior high school friend told in front of my mom's boyfriend (with a serious comb-over):
Q: What do you call a line of rabbits running backward?
A: A receding hare-line.
How can you trust anyone that does a comb-over? They are clearly lying to themselves (poorly) and expect everyone else to believe that bullshit too. It's a sad cry for help if you ask me.
He can't remember.
The other way? Airport men's rooms?
Well, blackmail is one way, yes.
Except he won't recognize your face later.
You'd have to drop trou, and then, well, illegitimate things would happen …
"Show us on this check where he touched you"
Oooh! Oooh! I got one!
A swift kick in the nuts.
Can't Todd Akin just shut that whole thing down?
Only if it's a legitimate rape of democracy.
If democracy enjoyed it, or was wearing something kinda sexy, all bets are off.
But, this is an illegitimate political system.
It it involves a "three way" with Akin, I dont' want to know.
It's still not legitimate bribery.
It's not like you're forcing him to take the money or anything.
If it was a legitimate bribery, the FBI has ways to shut that down.
And it's not gay, if it's in a 3-way…
Modern SNL reference FTW.
I'm tired of the "It's not funny anymore" whines.
I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that.
Nary a "quid-pro-quo" in sight for this one. Nosiree, Bob.
So, if I write him an obscene check (like draw an anatomically accurate penis, or say, a rape scene in the memo section) but the check is for a couple grand, do you think this whore would cash it? I bet he would.
He'd draw red lips on the back as endorsement, apparently
47% take note.
[facepalm]
AKIN! You're not supposed to come right out and say that you're a corrupt corporate whore, selling your vote to the highest bidder! You're only supposed to hint at it!
Maybe he has Duke Cunningham's old price list.
The Dukester! Thoughts of him and B1 Bob Dornan just make me misty-eyed! Sweet nostalgia. How I long for a simpler time when disgusting assholes like these guys were the toast of Washington! They could get things done back then, you know, for their "friends" for, you know, a nice boat ride or some sack-crete for their back yard "artistic" and "religious" efforts…
Quiet rooms, Todd, quiet rooms.
An honest politician, at least while discussing corruption.
"That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators."
Your move, Political Rock.
Subtle.
Maybe you write me a check maybe you don't. It's up to you, you know what I'm sayin'. This little business you got here, maybe it's be here tomorrow maybe it ain't. All I know is I take care of my friends, and people who write checks, those are my friends. People who don't write checks, things could happen to them, you know what I'm sayin'.
Yea, fings happin an youse wants someone on yo side to getchoose trew dem, unnerstan what I'm sayin?
I had no idea that "Akin" was a southern Italian surname.
Does he take PayPal? I fucking bet he does.
His buttcrack? Scans Mastercards.
Don't worry Todd — this is only gonna hurt if you weren't really asking for it.
"The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. And I think about that. And I let it fester…. Before you know it, I'm buying rope and formaldehyde…"
Do you think he will remember when I hit him in the nutsack with a sock full of votes?
By votes, do you mean quarters?
Yes! And by sock, I mean broken, jagged glass jar. Full of quarters, I mean votes!
I would've gone with a cast iron horse hitcher, but sure.
BAM! Right in his surveyor's marks!
this guy is a legitimate ass clown
Write a check? What, and not leave the cash on the dresser like usual?
Maybe it's time to abort, Todd.
I.AM.NOT.A.CROOK. Okay, just a sleazy politician who is dumb as dirt.
He'll still get above 48% of the vote against McCaskill, because Missouri
The other ways to get his attention involve anal fisting.
"They write me a decent check. I remember that."
And what if you get Alzheimer's? How are you going to remember then?
You mean he doesn't already HAVE Alzheimer's? So what's his excuse?
But is is a _legitimate_ check?
He's like a stripper, but with checks.
More like a hooker.
You don't pay the nice ladies with checks. Just ask Jerry Springer.
Magic Mike Akin!
There is always sex in the champagne room in Congress.
Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Teabagger. Begging for handouts, is for Demrats. Jobs not hand jobs.
I guess he should be commended for being a person who honestly says what he thinks? Too bad what goes on in that wrinkly cracker head is so awful.
Maybe Honey Boo Boo could help him show how a dollar makes him holler.
I'm seriously starting to think that the Republican party is punking the entire country. No one can be this stupid.
My thoughts for the last couple of weeks have been that they don't want to win this one. At all. Lose the House and everything. The plan being that there's a major economy-fucking event waiting to be unleashed and they want to blame it completely on the Dems, leading to a Thousand-Year
ReichRepublican Majority.Call me wacky, but hey, is there a better explanation for this tsunami of cluelessness washing ashore?
So you think Mittens lamenting all the stuck windows on airplanes is actually a clever plan to throw the election? I think what's left of the GOP really is this bad. The moderates and real statesmen bailed about 6 years ago because they saw this coming. So now, just when you think they can't go any lower, they punch through the floor because they really are a bunch of clueless, power-mad fucktards.
Somebody ought to legitimately rape this guy. With votes.
Was this in the footnotes to the Schoolhouse Rock PSA?
♫ Ohh, I'm just a Bill
Just a hunnerd buck bill,
And I'm sittin' here on Capitol Hill ♫
So he is saying that he is basically for sale and with an implied threat if you didn't send him money cuz' he will remember forever. In other words, he's come out as a vindictive whore. Yeah, totally qualified for the Senate.
Weird. My wallet just shut down automatically.
Maybe Planned Parenthood should send him a check.
Nice idea, but I don't appear to have any funds in my 'I hate women-people' bank account.
What was that noise at 58 seconds? The fist of an angry god?
"They write me a decent check. I remember that." There's a word for this, it's called *bribery*, and dipshit openly admits it.
I am not a lawyer, but I remember reading somewhere that BRIBERY IS PRETTY FUCKING ILLEGAL!
IOIYAR, don'tcha know?
Yes, but is it legitimately illegal or illegitimately illegal?
Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand
P-E-N-I-S goes in the anus….
I don't think I've ever been given an INdecent check… (Well, not one that didn't bounce into low earth orbit….)
He's just a shill/ yes he's only a shill/collecting Benjamins on Capitol Hill…
He remembers! Uncle Joe was also really good at 'membering — and dismembering. Ditto Rafael Trujillo. Great to hear some of that real straight talk that McCain kept promising.
He should just get one of those credit card machines attached to his ugly forehead.
He probably already has the strip reader between his buttcheeks.
Doh! You must have seen it too?!
You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.
Nice Senate you got there. Be a shame someone messed it up.
They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you…
HAHAHAHAHAHHA dude thinks he matters!!
I'm sure there are people who used to support him now that are just QUIVERING in fear of what will happen when he becomes Supreme Commander of the World.
What is this "check" thing of which you speak?
Paper. Legal Tender. Before our "paperless society" kicked in.
The only thing I remember about checks is that they were incredibly bouncy.
Sorry Todd, I already spent my whore money for the month and you're really not my type anyway.
This is so full of win…
Apparently, my browser decided to shut this whole thing down, because I can't get any audio. I'm grateful, really.
I find the bet way to get the attention of a congress person is through personal strip-a-gram.
Gingrich was stumping for Akin yesterday, their horrid troll faces breaking camera lenses left and right. Once Gingrich is on your side, you know you've lost.
Jeebuzz. Just put a "for sale" sign on your office door and be done with it man.
Sounds legitimate.
The best way to influence a GOP official is through the back door, if you know what I mean.
The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that.
Anyone who would ever, for one second, have acted in a way that led Akin to him/her as a friend deserves everything he/she gets.
Darn it! Who knew that School House Rock was misleading us all those years ago as to how laws are made. They totally missed the part about buying influence.
Get that cocksucker a brass pole and a G-string and let him dance at your next party. He'll remember who stuffed the Benjamins and big checks into his, uh, deposit box. That is,if you could stand to get that close to the slimy politico-whore. And I am sorry I don't mean to insult whores by associating them with him.
I'm pretty sure aiming a flaming arrow at his balls would get his attention.
"Will Remember For Food"
He had me at "three-way."
An EBay logo trampstamp is way more subtle, Todd.
Wow, talk about a not-so-veiled threat!
Todd B. Akin. For a 10 gallon barrel of ass whoppin'.
Look, if a two or three hundred Wonketters will pitch in $25 each I bet we could get Akin to sit down with us. And drink the LSD-spiked glass of iced tea I will be giving him.
I can send him the message I want him to hear by mailing a check to Claire McCaskill.
I am ashamed to admit that I'm in Akin's congressional district. And I have never ever ever gotten anything other than a form letter from his office detailing the myriad of ways he disagrees with my position on the issue that I called/wrote/emailed him about. Perhaps next time I will staple a check to the top of my letter and simply write "fuck you you moneygrubbing microcephaly cunt"
"Keep Rapin' for Akin"
So, now that we have established what you are, how much to watch you suck off a skunk, just for grins.
I draw pretty well, so maybe I'll do just that. Wouldn't it be awesome if he got a few dozen drawings of Benjamin Franklin from Wonketters…?
Yes, congressmen remember who greases their palms. They also remember the people who sent them money.
Rentboy money doesn't grow on trees, you guys.
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