how a bill becomes a law

Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and nuanced commentary about how much he sucks? Well, your Wonkette is here to help! It’s very easy to get in touch with Todd Akin and tell him how much he sucks, you just write a check, preferably for a “substantial amount,” and this will get his attention. Here, watch him explain to you in this video about how you get your Congressman’s attention (hint: send him muneez.)

It starts when an unsuspecting man asks him the best way to get in touch with him, innocently asking “should we write a letter?” No, dummy, you should not write a letter, unless the letter is a picture of Ben Franklin.

AKIN: I’m in a three-way primary for the US Senate. I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.

ONE way. He won’t tell you what the other ways are.

[ThinkProgress]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
What Others Are Reading

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • mrpuma2u

    Comb over moneywhore sez what?

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Can we make comb-overs a hanging offense? Don't much like capital punishment, but for some offenses I could make an exception.

      / buffs his bald pate

      • emmelemm

        Joke my junior high school friend told in front of my mom's boyfriend (with a serious comb-over):

        Q: What do you call a line of rabbits running backward?

        A: A receding hare-line.

      • mrpuma2u

        How can you trust anyone that does a comb-over? They are clearly lying to themselves (poorly) and expect everyone else to believe that bullshit too. It's a sad cry for help if you ask me.

    • Callyson

      He can't remember.

  • FNMA

    The other way? Airport men's rooms?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Well, blackmail is one way, yes.

    • Mahousu

      Except he won't recognize your face later.

      You'd have to drop trou, and then, well, illegitimate things would happen …

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "Show us on this check where he touched you"

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Oooh! Oooh! I got one!

    A swift kick in the nuts.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Can't Todd Akin just shut that whole thing down?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Only if it's a legitimate rape of democracy.

      If democracy enjoyed it, or was wearing something kinda sexy, all bets are off.

    • Negropolis

      But, this is an illegitimate political system.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    It it involves a "three way" with Akin, I dont' want to know.

  • SorosBot

    It's still not legitimate bribery.

    • Chichikovovich

      It's not like you're forcing him to take the money or anything.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      If it was a legitimate bribery, the FBI has ways to shut that down.

    • CindynEncinitas

      And it's not gay, if it's in a 3-way…

      • Negropolis

        Modern SNL reference FTW.

        I'm tired of the "It's not funny anymore" whines.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that.

    Nary a "quid-pro-quo" in sight for this one. Nosiree, Bob.

    • mrpuma2u

      So, if I write him an obscene check (like draw an anatomically accurate penis, or say, a rape scene in the memo section) but the check is for a couple grand, do you think this whore would cash it? I bet he would.

      • GeorgiaBurning

        He'd draw red lips on the back as endorsement, apparently

  • bikerlaureate

    You remember who’s helping you.

    47% take note.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [facepalm]

    AKIN! You're not supposed to come right out and say that you're a corrupt corporate whore, selling your vote to the highest bidder! You're only supposed to hint at it!

    • HogeyeGrex

      Maybe he has Duke Cunningham's old price list.

      • CindynEncinitas

        The Dukester! Thoughts of him and B1 Bob Dornan just make me misty-eyed! Sweet nostalgia. How I long for a simpler time when disgusting assholes like these guys were the toast of Washington! They could get things done back then, you know, for their "friends" for, you know, a nice boat ride or some sack-crete for their back yard "artistic" and "religious" efforts…

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      Quiet rooms, Todd, quiet rooms.

    • PubOption

      An honest politician, at least while discussing corruption.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators."

    Your move, Political Rock.

  • BornInATrailer

    Subtle.

  • Sassomatic

    Maybe you write me a check maybe you don't. It's up to you, you know what I'm sayin'. This little business you got here, maybe it's be here tomorrow maybe it ain't. All I know is I take care of my friends, and people who write checks, those are my friends. People who don't write checks, things could happen to them, you know what I'm sayin'.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, fings happin an youse wants someone on yo side to getchoose trew dem, unnerstan what I'm sayin?

    • Negropolis

      I had no idea that "Akin" was a southern Italian surname.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Does he take PayPal? I fucking bet he does.

    • Gleem McShineys

      His buttcrack? Scans Mastercards.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Don't worry Todd — this is only gonna hurt if you weren't really asking for it.

  • ChrisM2011

    "The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. And I think about that. And I let it fester…. Before you know it, I'm buying rope and formaldehyde…"

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Do you think he will remember when I hit him in the nutsack with a sock full of votes?

    • emmelemm

      By votes, do you mean quarters?

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes! And by sock, I mean broken, jagged glass jar. Full of quarters, I mean votes!

    • CommieLibunatic

      I would've gone with a cast iron horse hitcher, but sure.

    • Gleem McShineys

      BAM! Right in his surveyor's marks!

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    this guy is a legitimate ass clown

  • OneYieldRegular

    Write a check? What, and not leave the cash on the dresser like usual?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Maybe it's time to abort, Todd.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I.AM.NOT.A.CROOK. Okay, just a sleazy politician who is dumb as dirt.

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    He'll still get above 48% of the vote against McCaskill, because Missouri

  • MrDorkbutt

    The other ways to get his attention involve anal fisting.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "They write me a decent check. I remember that."

    And what if you get Alzheimer's? How are you going to remember then?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      You mean he doesn't already HAVE Alzheimer's? So what's his excuse?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    But is is a _legitimate_ check?

  • no_gravity

    He's like a stripper, but with checks.

    • HogeyeGrex

      More like a hooker.

      You don't pay the nice ladies with checks. Just ask Jerry Springer.

    • CindynEncinitas

      Magic Mike Akin!

    • Negropolis

      There is always sex in the champagne room in Congress.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Teabagger. Begging for handouts, is for Demrats. Jobs not hand jobs.

  • Fairtackle

    I guess he should be commended for being a person who honestly says what he thinks? Too bad what goes on in that wrinkly cracker head is so awful.

  • PsycWench

    Maybe Honey Boo Boo could help him show how a dollar makes him holler.

  • SpeedoFart

    I'm seriously starting to think that the Republican party is punking the entire country. No one can be this stupid.

    • HogeyeGrex

      My thoughts for the last couple of weeks have been that they don't want to win this one. At all. Lose the House and everything. The plan being that there's a major economy-fucking event waiting to be unleashed and they want to blame it completely on the Dems, leading to a Thousand-Year Reich Republican Majority.

      Call me wacky, but hey, is there a better explanation for this tsunami of cluelessness washing ashore?

      • CindynEncinitas

        So you think Mittens lamenting all the stuck windows on airplanes is actually a clever plan to throw the election? I think what's left of the GOP really is this bad. The moderates and real statesmen bailed about 6 years ago because they saw this coming. So now, just when you think they can't go any lower, they punch through the floor because they really are a bunch of clueless, power-mad fucktards.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Somebody ought to legitimately rape this guy. With votes.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Was this in the footnotes to the Schoolhouse Rock PSA?

    • HogeyeGrex

      ♫ Ohh, I'm just a Bill
      Just a hunnerd buck bill,
      And I'm sittin' here on Capitol Hill ♫

  • AlaskaGrrl

    So he is saying that he is basically for sale and with an implied threat if you didn't send him money cuz' he will remember forever. In other words, he's come out as a vindictive whore. Yeah, totally qualified for the Senate.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Weird. My wallet just shut down automatically.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Maybe Planned Parenthood should send him a check.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Nice idea, but I don't appear to have any funds in my 'I hate women-people' bank account.

  • Tundra Grifter

    What was that noise at 58 seconds? The fist of an angry god?

  • BlueStateLibel

    "They write me a decent check. I remember that." There's a word for this, it's called *bribery*, and dipshit openly admits it.

    • SpeedoFart

      I am not a lawyer, but I remember reading somewhere that BRIBERY IS PRETTY FUCKING ILLEGAL!

      • Oblios_Cap

        IOIYAR, don'tcha know?

      • Negropolis

        Yes, but is it legitimately illegal or illegitimately illegal?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

    P-E-N-I-S goes in the anus….

  • MaxNeanderthal

    I don't think I've ever been given an INdecent check… (Well, not one that didn't bounce into low earth orbit….)

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    He's just a shill/ yes he's only a shill/collecting Benjamins on Capitol Hill…

  • MiniMencken

    He remembers! Uncle Joe was also really good at 'membering — and dismembering. Ditto Rafael Trujillo. Great to hear some of that real straight talk that McCain kept promising.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    He should just get one of those credit card machines attached to his ugly forehead.

    • HogeyeGrex

      He probably already has the strip reader between his buttcheeks.

      • Gleem McShineys

        Doh! You must have seen it too?!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.

    Nice Senate you got there. Be a shame someone messed it up.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you…

    HAHAHAHAHAHHA dude thinks he matters!!

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm sure there are people who used to support him now that are just QUIVERING in fear of what will happen when he becomes Supreme Commander of the World.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is this "check" thing of which you speak?

    • LibertyLover

      Paper. Legal Tender. Before our "paperless society" kicked in.

    • Negropolis

      The only thing I remember about checks is that they were incredibly bouncy.

  • vodkamuppet

    Sorry Todd, I already spent my whore money for the month and you're really not my type anyway.

    • Negropolis

      This is so full of win…

  • anniegetyerfun

    Apparently, my browser decided to shut this whole thing down, because I can't get any audio. I'm grateful, really.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I find the bet way to get the attention of a congress person is through personal strip-a-gram.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Gingrich was stumping for Akin yesterday, their horrid troll faces breaking camera lenses left and right. Once Gingrich is on your side, you know you've lost.

  • rickmaci

    Jeebuzz. Just put a "for sale" sign on your office door and be done with it man.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Sounds legitimate.

  • mavenmaven

    The best way to influence a GOP official is through the back door, if you know what I mean.

  • Chichikovovich

    The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that.

    Anyone who would ever, for one second, have acted in a way that led Akin to him/her as a friend deserves everything he/she gets.

  • Terry

    Darn it! Who knew that School House Rock was misleading us all those years ago as to how laws are made. They totally missed the part about buying influence.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Get that cocksucker a brass pole and a G-string and let him dance at your next party. He'll remember who stuffed the Benjamins and big checks into his, uh, deposit box. That is,if you could stand to get that close to the slimy politico-whore. And I am sorry I don't mean to insult whores by associating them with him.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I'm pretty sure aiming a flaming arrow at his balls would get his attention.

  • DahBoner

    "Will Remember For Food"

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    He had me at "three-way."

  • Gleem McShineys

    An EBay logo trampstamp is way more subtle, Todd.

  • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

    Wow, talk about a not-so-veiled threat!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Todd B. Akin. For a 10 gallon barrel of ass whoppin'.

  • chascates

    Look, if a two or three hundred Wonketters will pitch in $25 each I bet we could get Akin to sit down with us. And drink the LSD-spiked glass of iced tea I will be giving him.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    I can send him the message I want him to hear by mailing a check to Claire McCaskill.

  • CivicHoliday

    I am ashamed to admit that I'm in Akin's congressional district. And I have never ever ever gotten anything other than a form letter from his office detailing the myriad of ways he disagrees with my position on the issue that I called/wrote/emailed him about. Perhaps next time I will staple a check to the top of my letter and simply write "fuck you you moneygrubbing microcephaly cunt"

  • AtwatersGhost

    "Keep Rapin' for Akin"

  • ttommyunger

    So, now that we have established what you are, how much to watch you suck off a skunk, just for grins.

  • Negropolis

    No, dummy, you should not write a letter, unless the letter is a picture of Ben Franklin.

    I draw pretty well, so maybe I'll do just that. Wouldn't it be awesome if he got a few dozen drawings of Benjamin Franklin from Wonketters…?

    Yes, congressmen remember who greases their palms. They also remember the people who sent them money.

  • Negropolis

    Rentboy money doesn't grow on trees, you guys.