HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW  2:30 pm September 25, 2012

Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

by Kris E. Benson

Here is a pressing question that might be keeping you up nights, particularly if you live in whatever district in Missouri Todd Akin (R-Ladiesman) represents: What if you want to tell Todd Akin how much he sucks? How do you know he will listen to you and absorb what is sure to be thoughtful and nuanced commentary about how much he sucks? Well, your Wonkette is here to help! It’s very easy to get in touch with Todd Akin and tell him how much he sucks, you just write a check, preferably for a “substantial amount,” and this will get his attention. Here, watch him explain to you in this video about how you get your Congressman’s attention (hint: send him muneez.)

It starts when an unsuspecting man asks him the best way to get in touch with him, innocently asking “should we write a letter?” No, dummy, you should not write a letter, unless the letter is a picture of Ben Franklin.

AKIN: I’m in a three-way primary for the US Senate. I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.

ONE way. He won’t tell you what the other ways are.

[ThinkProgress]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 110 comments }

mrpuma2u September 25, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Comb over moneywhore sez what?

weejee September 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Can we make comb-overs a hanging offense? Don't much like capital punishment, but for some offenses I could make an exception.

/ buffs his bald pate

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Joke my junior high school friend told in front of my mom's boyfriend (with a serious comb-over):

Q: What do you call a line of rabbits running backward?

A: A receding hare-line.

mrpuma2u September 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm

How can you trust anyone that does a comb-over? They are clearly lying to themselves (poorly) and expect everyone else to believe that bullshit too. It's a sad cry for help if you ask me.

Callyson September 25, 2012 at 4:22 pm

He can't remember.

FNMA September 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

The other way? Airport men's rooms?

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Well, blackmail is one way, yes.

Mahousu September 25, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Except he won't recognize your face later.

You'd have to drop trou, and then, well, illegitimate things would happen …

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

"Show us on this check where he touched you"

Sharkey September 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Oooh! Oooh! I got one!

A swift kick in the nuts.

Tequila Mockingbird September 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Can't Todd Akin just shut that whole thing down?

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Only if it's a legitimate rape of democracy.

If democracy enjoyed it, or was wearing something kinda sexy, all bets are off.

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:09 am

But, this is an illegitimate political system.

Rosie_Scenario September 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

It it involves a "three way" with Akin, I dont' want to know.

SorosBot September 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

It's still not legitimate bribery.

Chichikovovich September 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

It's not like you're forcing him to take the money or anything.

Incitefully_Joe September 25, 2012 at 3:53 pm

If it was a legitimate bribery, the FBI has ways to shut that down.

CindynEncinitas September 25, 2012 at 4:39 pm

And it's not gay, if it's in a 3-way…

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:10 am

Modern SNL reference FTW.

I'm tired of the "It's not funny anymore" whines.

Oblios_Cap September 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I’ve gone to people and asked for their support, their help, or their endorsement, and some people say yes. They write me a decent check. I remember that.

Nary a "quid-pro-quo" in sight for this one. Nosiree, Bob.

mrpuma2u September 25, 2012 at 3:11 pm

So, if I write him an obscene check (like draw an anatomically accurate penis, or say, a rape scene in the memo section) but the check is for a couple grand, do you think this whore would cash it? I bet he would.

GeorgiaBurning September 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

He'd draw red lips on the back as endorsement, apparently

bikerlaureate September 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

You remember who’s helping you.

47% take note.

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

[facepalm]

AKIN! You're not supposed to come right out and say that you're a corrupt corporate whore, selling your vote to the highest bidder! You're only supposed to hint at it!

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Maybe he has Duke Cunningham's old price list.

CindynEncinitas September 25, 2012 at 7:10 pm

The Dukester! Thoughts of him and B1 Bob Dornan just make me misty-eyed! Sweet nostalgia. How I long for a simpler time when disgusting assholes like these guys were the toast of Washington! They could get things done back then, you know, for their "friends" for, you know, a nice boat ride or some sack-crete for their back yard "artistic" and "religious" efforts…

Native_of_SL_UT September 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Quiet rooms, Todd, quiet rooms.

PubOption September 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

An honest politician, at least while discussing corruption.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators."

Your move, Political Rock.

BornInATrailer September 25, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Subtle.

Sassomatic September 25, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Maybe you write me a check maybe you don't. It's up to you, you know what I'm sayin'. This little business you got here, maybe it's be here tomorrow maybe it ain't. All I know is I take care of my friends, and people who write checks, those are my friends. People who don't write checks, things could happen to them, you know what I'm sayin'.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Yea, fings happin an youse wants someone on yo side to getchoose trew dem, unnerstan what I'm sayin?

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:11 am

I had no idea that "Akin" was a southern Italian surname.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Does he take PayPal? I fucking bet he does.

Gleem McShineys September 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm

His buttcrack? Scans Mastercards.

SayItWithWookies September 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Don't worry Todd — this is only gonna hurt if you weren't really asking for it.

ChrisM2011 September 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

"The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. And I think about that. And I let it fester…. Before you know it, I'm buying rope and formaldehyde…"

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Do you think he will remember when I hit him in the nutsack with a sock full of votes?

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 3:09 pm

By votes, do you mean quarters?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Yes! And by sock, I mean broken, jagged glass jar. Full of quarters, I mean votes!

CommieLibunatic September 25, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I would've gone with a cast iron horse hitcher, but sure.

Gleem McShineys September 25, 2012 at 4:30 pm

BAM! Right in his surveyor's marks!

Peckerwood_Pete September 25, 2012 at 2:40 pm

this guy is a legitimate ass clown

OneYieldRegular September 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Write a check? What, and not leave the cash on the dresser like usual?

ChillBill September 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Maybe it's time to abort, Todd.

Texan_Bulldog September 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I.AM.NOT.A.CROOK. Okay, just a sleazy politician who is dumb as dirt.

4TheTurnstiles September 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

He'll still get above 48% of the vote against McCaskill, because Missouri

MrDorkbutt September 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

The other ways to get his attention involve anal fisting.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

"They write me a decent check. I remember that."

And what if you get Alzheimer's? How are you going to remember then?

Jukesgrrl September 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm

You mean he doesn't already HAVE Alzheimer's? So what's his excuse?

randcoolcatdaddy September 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

But is is a _legitimate_ check?

no_gravity September 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

He's like a stripper, but with checks.

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:10 pm

More like a hooker.

You don't pay the nice ladies with checks. Just ask Jerry Springer.

CindynEncinitas September 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Magic Mike Akin!

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:18 am

There is always sex in the champagne room in Congress.

ManchuCandidate September 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Teabagger. Begging for handouts, is for Demrats. Jobs not hand jobs.

Fairtackle September 25, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I guess he should be commended for being a person who honestly says what he thinks? Too bad what goes on in that wrinkly cracker head is so awful.

PsycWench September 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Maybe Honey Boo Boo could help him show how a dollar makes him holler.

SpeedoFart September 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

I'm seriously starting to think that the Republican party is punking the entire country. No one can be this stupid.

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm

My thoughts for the last couple of weeks have been that they don't want to win this one. At all. Lose the House and everything. The plan being that there's a major economy-fucking event waiting to be unleashed and they want to blame it completely on the Dems, leading to a Thousand-Year Reich Republican Majority.

Call me wacky, but hey, is there a better explanation for this tsunami of cluelessness washing ashore?

CindynEncinitas September 25, 2012 at 4:46 pm

So you think Mittens lamenting all the stuck windows on airplanes is actually a clever plan to throw the election? I think what's left of the GOP really is this bad. The moderates and real statesmen bailed about 6 years ago because they saw this coming. So now, just when you think they can't go any lower, they punch through the floor because they really are a bunch of clueless, power-mad fucktards.

PuckStopsHere September 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Somebody ought to legitimately rape this guy. With votes.

EatsBabyDingos September 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Was this in the footnotes to the Schoolhouse Rock PSA?

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:19 pm

♫ Ohh, I'm just a Bill
Just a hunnerd buck bill,
And I'm sittin' here on Capitol Hill ♫

AlaskaGrrl September 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm

So he is saying that he is basically for sale and with an implied threat if you didn't send him money cuz' he will remember forever. In other words, he's come out as a vindictive whore. Yeah, totally qualified for the Senate.

Mittens Howell, III September 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Weird. My wallet just shut down automatically.

Blueb4sinrise September 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Maybe Planned Parenthood should send him a check.

Mittens Howell, III September 25, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Nice idea, but I don't appear to have any funds in my 'I hate women-people' bank account.

Tundra Grifter September 25, 2012 at 2:54 pm

What was that noise at 58 seconds? The fist of an angry god?

BlueStateLibel September 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

"They write me a decent check. I remember that." There's a word for this, it's called *bribery*, and dipshit openly admits it.

SpeedoFart September 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

I am not a lawyer, but I remember reading somewhere that BRIBERY IS PRETTY FUCKING ILLEGAL!

Oblios_Cap September 25, 2012 at 3:29 pm

IOIYAR, don'tcha know?

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:21 am

Yes, but is it legitimately illegal or illegitimately illegal?

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Todd Akin Explains Inner Workings of Democracy In Language You Can Understand

P-E-N-I-S goes in the anus….

MaxNeanderthal September 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I don't think I've ever been given an INdecent check… (Well, not one that didn't bounce into low earth orbit….)

Hammiepants September 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He's just a shill/ yes he's only a shill/collecting Benjamins on Capitol Hill…

MiniMencken September 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He remembers! Uncle Joe was also really good at 'membering — and dismembering. Ditto Rafael Trujillo. Great to hear some of that real straight talk that McCain kept promising.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 25, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He should just get one of those credit card machines attached to his ugly forehead.

HogeyeGrex September 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm

He probably already has the strip reader between his buttcheeks.

Gleem McShineys September 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Doh! You must have seen it too?!

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 2:59 pm

You remember who’s helping you. That’s one way that people get to know congressmen and senators.

Nice Senate you got there. Be a shame someone messed it up.

fuflans September 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

They write me a decent check. I remember that. The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that. You know, I can remember back to 12 years ago. You remember who’s helping you…

HAHAHAHAHAHHA dude thinks he matters!!

anniegetyerfun September 25, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I'm sure there are people who used to support him now that are just QUIVERING in fear of what will happen when he becomes Supreme Commander of the World.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

What is this "check" thing of which you speak?

LibertyLover September 25, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Paper. Legal Tender. Before our "paperless society" kicked in.

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:22 am

The only thing I remember about checks is that they were incredibly bouncy.

vodkamuppet September 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Sorry Todd, I already spent my whore money for the month and you're really not my type anyway.

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:25 am

This is so full of win…

anniegetyerfun September 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Apparently, my browser decided to shut this whole thing down, because I can't get any audio. I'm grateful, really.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I find the bet way to get the attention of a congress person is through personal strip-a-gram.

anniegetyerfun September 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Gingrich was stumping for Akin yesterday, their horrid troll faces breaking camera lenses left and right. Once Gingrich is on your side, you know you've lost.

rickmaci September 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Jeebuzz. Just put a "for sale" sign on your office door and be done with it man.

KeepFnThatChicken September 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Sounds legitimate.

mavenmaven September 25, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The best way to influence a GOP official is through the back door, if you know what I mean.

Chichikovovich September 25, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The people that I thought were friends that tell me to go away because they are supporting someone else, I remember that.

Anyone who would ever, for one second, have acted in a way that led Akin to him/her as a friend deserves everything he/she gets.

Terry September 25, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Darn it! Who knew that School House Rock was misleading us all those years ago as to how laws are made. They totally missed the part about buying influence.

Dudleydidwrong September 25, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Get that cocksucker a brass pole and a G-string and let him dance at your next party. He'll remember who stuffed the Benjamins and big checks into his, uh, deposit box. That is,if you could stand to get that close to the slimy politico-whore. And I am sorry I don't mean to insult whores by associating them with him.

mrblifil September 25, 2012 at 3:43 pm

I'm pretty sure aiming a flaming arrow at his balls would get his attention.

DahBoner September 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"Will Remember For Food"

RufusTFirefly September 25, 2012 at 4:21 pm

He had me at "three-way."

Gleem McShineys September 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

An EBay logo trampstamp is way more subtle, Todd.

outragedcitizen September 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Wow, talk about a not-so-veiled threat!

fawkedifiknow September 25, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Todd B. Akin. For a 10 gallon barrel of ass whoppin'.

chascates September 25, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Look, if a two or three hundred Wonketters will pitch in $25 each I bet we could get Akin to sit down with us. And drink the LSD-spiked glass of iced tea I will be giving him.

Jukesgrrl September 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm

I can send him the message I want him to hear by mailing a check to Claire McCaskill.

CivicHoliday September 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I am ashamed to admit that I'm in Akin's congressional district. And I have never ever ever gotten anything other than a form letter from his office detailing the myriad of ways he disagrees with my position on the issue that I called/wrote/emailed him about. Perhaps next time I will staple a check to the top of my letter and simply write "fuck you you moneygrubbing microcephaly cunt"

AtwatersGhost September 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm

"Keep Rapin' for Akin"

ttommyunger September 25, 2012 at 11:01 pm

So, now that we have established what you are, how much to watch you suck off a skunk, just for grins.

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:04 am

No, dummy, you should not write a letter, unless the letter is a picture of Ben Franklin.

I draw pretty well, so maybe I'll do just that. Wouldn't it be awesome if he got a few dozen drawings of Benjamin Franklin from Wonketters…?

Yes, congressmen remember who greases their palms. They also remember the people who sent them money.

Negropolis September 26, 2012 at 1:20 am

Rentboy money doesn't grow on trees, you guys.

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