Looking For Mr. God-Bar

Bryan Fischer: Maybe Christians Can Vote For A Mormon (If They Use Hand Sanitizer And Pray)

Clinging to guns and religionPity Bryan Fischer. After spending much of the GOP primary season telling the Christian Right that Mormons aren’t real Christians (and that the First Amendment doesn’t even apply to them), Fischer’s worst fear was realized: The Heretic won the primary, Fischer was not invited to speak at this year’s Values Voter Summit, and now the poor bear-obsessed schlub has to figure out how to kinda-sorta support Mitt Romney without going back on his insistence that Mormons are anathema. And so he has decided that maybe, since America’s very survival is at stake, sure, well, yeah, it might be OK to vote for a Mormon as long as you tell Jesus that you’re really voting against the Kenyan Usurper.

What’s really fun (for a certain value of “fun”) is watching Fischer walk the tightrope between his hatred for Barack Obama and the backlash he might face from fellow Christianists for saying something that might seem like a compromise with those awful Utah cultists:

To use a common figure of speech, without implying that either of these men is “evil,” we are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils. My personal counsel to fellow believers in such a situation is simple and straightforward: when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

Translation: Yeah, definitely evil. I just have to cover my ass and protect the American Patriarchy Association’s tax exemption. But the America-hating preznit is more evil than the Heretic, probably.

Gosh, I wonder if the Bible can help? The Bible is, after all, Life’s Instruction Manual™!

What we must understand as Christians is that there is no explicit command in Scripture which tells us for whom to vote in a situation such as this. Since we are neither commanded to vote for a Mormon, nor to refuse to vote for a Mormon, this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience.

Say, Bryan? Were you aware that the Bible actually says absolutely nothing at all about voting because — and I know this will come as a shock to you — it was written by people to whom the very idea of representative democracy was entirely foreign? It’s not like they were a bunch of debauched Athenians, after all. The Bible has some awesome advice on how to treat your slaves, how to get along with your concubines, and how to stone your children to death if they’re disobedient, but not one word about how you or anyone else should vote.

One might just think that there’d be a lesson in there. Ah, yes, “individual conscience,” that must be it! That’s a pretty good guide! And really, as long as the Bible doesn’t say anything about it, it would be wrong to inferfere with matters of conscience!

Christians will come to different conclusions about what the path of wisdom is for them, and our responsibility to our brothers and sisters in the faith is to respect the place to which their conscience directs them. We must not attempt to legislate for them or seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their own conscience.

On the other hand, slutty womenfolk who want any degree of control over their own bodies? We TOTALLY need to legislate for them and seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their conscience, because the Bible tells us we absolutely have to. Sorry, ladies! Sucks to be you, huh?

[RenewAmerica]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

180 comments

  1. ChernobylSoup

    Good thing the Bible doesn't say anything about feeding the hungry or caring for the sick. Otherwise folks might opt for Obama over Romney.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Gun nuts are really f*cking nuts. I couldn't remember what a "Desert Eagle .50" was so I did a search and at the top was Youtube video of a woman trying to fire one and the recoil causes the barrel to strike her in the middle of the forehead. The sleazy ball who posted it starts off his comment with "Too funny." and goes downhill from there as he explains HIS WIFE did not listen when instructed on how to bsbsbsbsbsbs.

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            James McMurtry hit it dead center:
            "And he stopped off in Tushka at that "Pop's Knife and Gun" place
            Bought a SKS rifle and a couple a full cases of that steel core ammo
            With the Berdan primers from some East Bloc nation that no longer needs 'em
            And a Desert Eagle, that's one great big ol' pistol
            I mean .50 caliber made by badass Hebrews
            And some surplus tracers for that old BAR of Slayton's
            Soon as it gets dark we're gonna have us a time…"

  2. Jus_Wonderin

    "this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience"

    Hmmmm. Isn't this anathema to his brand of religion?

      1. SorosBot

        Come on, it's not like more people have died in Jesus' name than anyone else in history, by an overwhelming margin.

  3. OkieDokieDog

    TOO MUCH SCIENCE!
    Hand sanitizer kills the bible humpin' cooties.

    Edit to add: Only on your hands or in Fischer's case, his twatwaffley dick. Unfortunately the hand sanitizer does NOT kill the bible humpin' cooties in the brain.

    1. actor212

      Perhaps we shouldnt be so hasty with the value of hand sanitizer on the brain.

      We could, for instance, open a few heads and pour a bottle in and see what happens.

      You know, for science!

  4. randcoolcatdaddy

    When I'm faced with two evils, I choose the one that involves the best sex. If sex isn't involved, then I choose the one with the most drugs or alcohol.

    If it doesn't involve any of those things, I just whatever Bryan Fischer doesn't like.

  5. Baconzgood

    "Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil."

    I'm not sure that's WWJD.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      "The English word "weasel" was originally applied to one species of the genus, the European form of the least weasel (Mustela nivalis)."

  6. ph7

    when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

    What, is Gary Johnson chopped liver?

  7. SayItWithWookies

    So the Christian is more evil than the non-Christian? I'm sure Bryan Fischer has some elaborate, tortured justification for this that would probably be no stupider than the rest of the garbage that comes out of his little tiny brain.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I've got a theory that people like Bryan Fischer are protected from senility well into their twilight years — by being so mentally incoherent to begin with that any erosion of brain function they have is undetectable to modern medicine.

  8. Sophist[Kochblocker]

    Sorry, Bryan, you can't unshit a bed. You and your ilk have spent years demonizing Mormons, so I don't think a lukewarm endorsement of the idea that voting for one is not inherently sinful will make evangelicals any more enthusiastic about it.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "the idea that voting for one is not inherently sinful will make evangelicals any more enthusiastic about it."

      Voting for the black guy, on the other hand…

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      This is why I don't buy the theory that all the fundies are really working together on the long game, ie. forcing the apocalypse/rapture/whatever.

      They're all just saying whatever they think will get them the most attention and/or money today.

  9. actor212

    when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

    Lemme think…one guy is a Christian struggling to bring the nation forward into the 21st Century, and the other is a Christian+ who wants to rebaptize all of us in Moroni's image before sending us off to Kolob to work on the plantation.

    Pardon me, but I'll stick with the Nearer, My God, to thee.

    1. freakishlywrong

      Or one guy would help a crazy poor with a kidney ailment on food stamps, and the other wouldn't. But, they're both awful.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Yeah, but the first guy is awful because would help a crazy poor with a kidney ailment on food stamps. The other guy wouldn't, but the lunatic things his religion believes don't include the 100% reasonable and not-at-all incoherent thesis that Christ was actually God, and that the two of them are identical.

        So you can see that there is so much evil there, that it's hard to pick a winner.

    1. MacRaith

      Want to really mess with people who believe in the Rapture? Tell them that it already happened. Remind them that according to Revelations only 44,000 (or some such number – don't remember the exact figure) people get to go to heaven. Then give them a sympathetic look and say, "You didn't make the cut either, huh?"

      Then run. They'll be trying to kill you.

      1. bikerlaureate

        144,000.

        Jehovah's Witnesses took that number and decided that's the max number of people going to Heaven anyway. Not a terrific incentive, but there ya go.

        1. MacRaith

          I knew it was something like that. And the funny part is, there are more than 7 million Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide, so not even all of them are going to make it to heaven by their rules.

          1. bikerlaureate

            They get to live on a restored Earth, and we apostates go to Gehenna (which rabbinical Judaism says "is considered a Purgatory-like place where the wicked go to suffer until they have atoned for their sins. It is stated that the maximum amount of time a sinner can spend in Gehenna is one year, with the exception of five people who are there for all of eternity."
            (I can't find who the unlucky five are, though…)

  10. mrpuma2u

    "our responsibility to our brothers and sisters in the faith is to respect the place to which their conscience directs them. "

    WTF? Respect for those who deviate from the jeebus talking points memos? Surely those who would think for themselves are apostates, or under the influence of Beelzabubba or the like. That sound an awful lot like lieberal atheist talk.

  11. Blueb4sinrise

    Shit-eating weasel. I'll bet I could walk down to the corner Fundie Hall and find a dozen people that will tell you why the Bibble says to vote against Barry.

  12. Shypixel

    I am starting to wish that the government would pay as much attention to my genitalia as it does to women's.

    Hell, at least then someone would be paying attention to the lil' guy…

  13. MonkeyHamlet

    NO SHIT:
    Deuteronomy 23:1
    No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
    Maybe this is why Bryan is so angry.

  14. ChillBill

    To use a common figure of speech, without implying that either of these men is “evil,”

    "…but one is a Socialist Marxist Kenyan Communist Muslim Hitler-sympathizer."

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    Bryan probably kisses his lesbian sister and wonders why she doesn't kiss him back. Of course, it is because she died of mortification from being Bryan's sister.

  16. SorosBot

    Wait, if Fischer thinks Christians should choose less evil, then why does he head the AFA, a hate group which is one of the most pure evil organizations in America?

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Donald Trump* adds: the Son of Man Himself would approve of "getting even" rather than being taken advantage of; to hell with turning the other cheek!

      * courtesy of someone on wonkville. Had hoped it would become a front-page post.

  17. sewollef

    There's a distinction being made here by Herr Fischer. And that distinction is to show a toleration for and respect to fellow christianists.

    However, if you belong to any other religion, oh say, Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim, then you're shit out of luck in the empathy stakes with our Bryan. And if you're an atheist, then god help you [pun most definitely intended], since you're a soulless heathen with no values and should be put to death.

    I'm not going to curse today [since yesterday's posts from me were worse than a drunken sailor on shore leave]. I'll just say I don't think I like him much.

  18. BartStarrland

    Olson Johnson: All right… we'll give some land to the n*****rs and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!
    [everyone complains]
    Olson Johnson: Aw, prairie shit… Everybody!
    [everyone rejoices]

      1. emmelemm

        True story: Looking For Mr. Goodbar is another movie my father allowed me to see at a highly inappropriate age. (I was 9, IIRC.)

  19. SayItWithWookies

    …when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

    Sure — because as that Jesus fellow said (I think it was in The Two Towers, as they were being chased by the Nazgul) — if your right hand should offend you, hold it behind your back and swear up and down that you've been left-handed all your life.

  20. An_Outhouse

    "this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience"

    Gray area? individual conscience?

    This is so blasphemous, 1000 lashes is not adequate to save this Bryan Fischer person's misguided soul.

    Episcopalian or Moromon? Like you have to even think about it. Of course you pick the Mormon.

        1. GunToting[Redacted]

          I'm pretty sure the dude's name was not originally spelled using our alphabet, so you get those points back. Had you written בר-אבא, you would have graduated with honors.

  21. DerrickWildcat

    All you really have to do is get on a forum and say something like,
    "After all Mormonism is actually the truest pathway to eternal salvation"
    and whatever Bryan Fischer said will quickly be forgotten.

    It's kinda mean, but it's also kind of funny.

  22. cromiller

    You know, a quick Google search reveals that nice Gary Johnson fella was raised Lutheran. Is that more palatable? I think Lutherans at least still worship Real Jesus (TM).

  23. Peckerwood_Pete

    Mormonism isn't that weird…. I suppose Jesus could have started a moon colony in the 1800s…. it's posssible… right? I mean, it's possible the Garden of Eden was located in present day Missouri, right? Right, guys?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Unfortunately, the rankings change, just like in the AP Coach's Poll for college football teams. I mean, the Japs and the Krauts used to be out worst enemies, but now the Japanese and the Germans are our BFFs.

  24. BaldarTFlagass

    If I've got to vote for someone in a Cult, I think I'll choose Buck Dharma or Eric Bloom.

    Needz moar cowbell!

  25. Nostrildamus

    The Bible has some awesome advice on how to treat your slaves, how to get along with your concubines, and how to stone your children to death if they’re disobedient, but not one word about how you or anyone else should vote.

    Z: I think you must have an old edition. Update here.

  26. prommie

    Anyone else ever think there is some cognitive dysfunction associated with literalist evangelical christianity? Its like cognitive dissonance is a symptom of it, compartmentalizing, because man these holier than thou evangelicals always seem to be the ones who spend their weekends in a wetsuit with a ball-gag in their mouth, and narcissism. I mean isn't it kinda narcissistic to believe in "your own personal jesus?" Isn't it narcissisitic to always be talking about God using the possessive? They all think Jesus is their own thing, somehow they own Jesus, and they think the supreme ruler of all creation has nothing better to do all day except be their own personal buddy and listen to their every petty fucking thought which is always about themselves. I mean really, there is a sickness associated with this religion, a mental disorder of some kind. Is television to blame? Video games? Meth? What the fuck? Its time we take a medical approach to evangelicalism, I think its appropriate.

  27. chascates

    While at this very moment (according to Drudge) Obama is doing his apology tour at the UN:

    President at U.N. doesn't mention terrorism by radical Islamists…

    'THE FUTURE MUST NOT BELONG TO THOSE WHO SLANDER THE PROPHET OF ISLAM'…

    … Attack on U.S. is attack on U.N.

    Skips meetings with foreign leaders…

    Adviser: 'If He Met With One Leader, He Would Have to Meet With 10'…

  28. herecomedajudge

    certain Mormons, at various times in history get an "evil pass". So I guess Fisher did some research in the bible and found out ( a little late, mind you) that Romney's time for an evil pass in November 2012.

    Its all in the bible….I looked

  29. Guppy

    (The Bible) was written by people to whom the very idea of representative democracy was entirely foreign?

    Fun fact! The Bible does talk about democracy… if you're Catholic! I give you 1 Macc 8:14-16:

    Yet for all this none of them wore a crown or was clothed in purple, to be magnified thereby: Moreover how they had made for themselves a senate house, wherein three hundred and twenty men sat in council daily, consulting alway for the people, to the end they might be well ordered: And that they committed their government to one man every year, who ruled over all their country, and that all were obedient to that one, and that there was neither envy nor emmulation among them.

    Of course, Martin Luther retconned Maccabees out of the Bible, so no voting for the fundy Protestants!

  30. finette_

    I think this got lost in the run-up to the GOP convention, but I was still a bit disappointed that Wonkette missed it.

    Fischer: "Women's suffrage only thing keeping Obama in the game: Obama down 8 with men, up 8 with women."

  31. owhatever

    Nostradamus foresaw this when he wrote, "By the second year of the second decade of the year called Ballini, the people of the land of Untiedstat had put upon their throne a beastie from the dark continent. A member of the sacred clan of the Morms will try to vanquish the cursed one, but will be too weak. In fact, he could not find his ass with a flashlight and a GPS. The beastie continued his ruinous rule and severed the balls of Bryan Fischer."

  32. Karma_Suture

    Second Amendment Jesus!
    I made that!
    (with no help except the guy that painted it, the guy that photographed the rifle, the internet. (Thanks Al!), Bill Gates, IBM, photoshop and many others too numerous to name. ))
    And I did it on my own!

  33. LibrarianX

    So, I just picked up a copy of this "Bible" book – have you people READ that thing? There is the craziest shit in that book!!

  34. Katydid

    We must not attempt to legislate for them or seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their own conscience.

    Isn't lying against one of those silly 10 Commandments? "Thou shalt not lie through your teeth like the lying piece of shit liar you are."

    Or something like that.

  35. ttommyunger

    Self-righteous turds like Fischer (and there are literally millions of them) give Christianity a black eye. In the quiet hours of the night he must know this, deep down inside; and I'm pretty sure it scares the shit out of him.

Comments are closed.