LOOKING FOR MR. GOD-BAR  12:31 pm September 25, 2012

Bryan Fischer: Maybe Christians Can Vote For A Mormon (If They Use Hand Sanitizer And Pray)

by Doktor Zoom

Clinging to guns and religionPity Bryan Fischer. After spending much of the GOP primary season telling the Christian Right that Mormons aren’t real Christians (and that the First Amendment doesn’t even apply to them), Fischer’s worst fear was realized: The Heretic won the primary, Fischer was not invited to speak at this year’s Values Voter Summit, and now the poor bear-obsessed schlub has to figure out how to kinda-sorta support Mitt Romney without going back on his insistence that Mormons are anathema. And so he has decided that maybe, since America’s very survival is at stake, sure, well, yeah, it might be OK to vote for a Mormon as long as you tell Jesus that you’re really voting against the Kenyan Usurper.

What’s really fun (for a certain value of “fun”) is watching Fischer walk the tightrope between his hatred for Barack Obama and the backlash he might face from fellow Christianists for saying something that might seem like a compromise with those awful Utah cultists:

To use a common figure of speech, without implying that either of these men is “evil,” we are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils. My personal counsel to fellow believers in such a situation is simple and straightforward: when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

Translation: Yeah, definitely evil. I just have to cover my ass and protect the American Patriarchy Association’s tax exemption. But the America-hating preznit is more evil than the Heretic, probably.

Gosh, I wonder if the Bible can help? The Bible is, after all, Life’s Instruction Manual™!

What we must understand as Christians is that there is no explicit command in Scripture which tells us for whom to vote in a situation such as this. Since we are neither commanded to vote for a Mormon, nor to refuse to vote for a Mormon, this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience.

Say, Bryan? Were you aware that the Bible actually says absolutely nothing at all about voting because — and I know this will come as a shock to you — it was written by people to whom the very idea of representative democracy was entirely foreign? It’s not like they were a bunch of debauched Athenians, after all. The Bible has some awesome advice on how to treat your slaves, how to get along with your concubines, and how to stone your children to death if they’re disobedient, but not one word about how you or anyone else should vote.

One might just think that there’d be a lesson in there. Ah, yes, “individual conscience,” that must be it! That’s a pretty good guide! And really, as long as the Bible doesn’t say anything about it, it would be wrong to inferfere with matters of conscience!

Christians will come to different conclusions about what the path of wisdom is for them, and our responsibility to our brothers and sisters in the faith is to respect the place to which their conscience directs them. We must not attempt to legislate for them or seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their own conscience.

On the other hand, slutty womenfolk who want any degree of control over their own bodies? We TOTALLY need to legislate for them and seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their conscience, because the Bible tells us we absolutely have to. Sorry, ladies! Sucks to be you, huh?

[RenewAmerica]

 

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{ 180 comments }

nounverb911 September 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Hand sanitizer? I would have thought thick rubber gloves.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

No no, surgical is fine because you get a better feel for the veins.

Or a tube sock.

sewollef September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Personally, I'd be thinking Haz-Mat suit with full oxygen supply.

GunToting[Redacted] September 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

"Daddy wants to VOOOOTEEEEE!"

Slim_Pickins September 25, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Or at least nose plugs.

ChernobylSoup September 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Good thing the Bible doesn't say anything about feeding the hungry or caring for the sick. Otherwise folks might opt for Obama over Romney.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

This should be shoved down certain white folks' throats on Facebook from now until the election!

LibertyLover September 25, 2012 at 4:19 pm

To be fair, the Bible didn't say anything about trickle-down economics either.

bobbert September 26, 2012 at 1:08 am

But, But Parable of the Talents!!!

Estproph September 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Jesus was a Real Man! He dun toted a Winchester 30-30!

Schmannnity September 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

As a Jew, I would have thought He favored an Uzi.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

And/or a Desert Eagle .50.

James Michael Curley September 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Gun nuts are really f*cking nuts. I couldn't remember what a "Desert Eagle .50" was so I did a search and at the top was Youtube video of a woman trying to fire one and the recoil causes the barrel to strike her in the middle of the forehead. The sleazy ball who posted it starts off his comment with "Too funny." and goes downhill from there as he explains HIS WIFE did not listen when instructed on how to bsbsbsbsbsbs.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

James McMurtry hit it dead center:
"And he stopped off in Tushka at that "Pop's Knife and Gun" place
Bought a SKS rifle and a couple a full cases of that steel core ammo
With the Berdan primers from some East Bloc nation that no longer needs 'em
And a Desert Eagle, that's one great big ol' pistol
I mean .50 caliber made by badass Hebrews
And some surplus tracers for that old BAR of Slayton's
Soon as it gets dark we're gonna have us a time…"

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

He's Jesus. He can reload magically.

LibertyLover September 25, 2012 at 4:19 pm

If he was Mitt Romney, he could reload retroactively.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Fess Parker portrayed Jesus's days in the wilderness on TV in the 1950s, huntin' the beasts of the field, rescuin' Christian women and trackin' Satan.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience"

Hmmmm. Isn't this anathema to his brand of religion?

SorosBot September 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

For women and gay people it certainly is.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Yo, Fischer, the Enlightenment called; it wants it's meme back.

ph7 September 25, 2012 at 1:05 pm

It's a vote, not a choice!!

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm

It is covered in St. Paul's Epistle To The Anathemaens.

CrunchyKnee September 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Haha, religious people are funny.

ph7 September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Unless leading an army.

SorosBot September 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Come on, it's not like more people have died in Jesus' name than anyone else in history, by an overwhelming margin.

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

(for a certain value of "funny")

OkieDokieDog September 25, 2012 at 12:37 pm

TOO MUCH SCIENCE!
Hand sanitizer kills the bible humpin' cooties.

Edit to add: Only on your hands or in Fischer's case, his twatwaffley dick. Unfortunately the hand sanitizer does NOT kill the bible humpin' cooties in the brain.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Perhaps we shouldnt be so hasty with the value of hand sanitizer on the brain.

We could, for instance, open a few heads and pour a bottle in and see what happens.

You know, for science!

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Hand sanitizer on the privates is a mistake you only make once.

randcoolcatdaddy September 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

When I'm faced with two evils, I choose the one that involves the best sex. If sex isn't involved, then I choose the one with the most drugs or alcohol.

If it doesn't involve any of those things, I just whatever Bryan Fischer doesn't like.

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Best sex or best booze/drugs? It doesn't sound like you choices are evil at all. Lucky.

ph7 September 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Just ask the farmer who said he could sleep in the barn when his car broke down.

cromiller September 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Vote Cthulhu… why choose the lesser of two evils.

Gratuitous World September 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

did i miss the part about Mitt Romney being the biggest fucking camel ever to be nominated for President?

Swampgas_Man September 25, 2012 at 10:33 pm

I thought he was just a hump. Or chump, whatever.

Baconzgood September 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil."

I'm not sure that's WWJD.

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Jesus would vote for Nader.

Asshole.

Sharkey September 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

He's not running but Dr. Jill Stein is!

Zepster September 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What would Jesus Drink?

Mumbletypeg September 25, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And so [Fischer] has decided that America's survival AFA's enterprise of fear mongering and incendiary scripture twisting and laughable attempts at jingoism is at stake

FTFY, Dok.

ETA:
bear-obsessed schlub

and thanks for the Stuef-penned flashback, too~

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

How about picking the lesser of two weasels?

Hold your nose and choose either Mitt or Bryan Fischer.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"The English word "weasel" was originally applied to one species of the genus, the European form of the least weasel (Mustela nivalis)."

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I'd rather pick my nose.

gullywompr September 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

The lighter of two evils.

bearperney September 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I just knew that a way would be found to "Vote Mormon!"

JustPixelz September 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm

He endorses Romney with the same (tax exempt) enthusiasm that Romney endorses RomneyCare.

ph7 September 25, 2012 at 12:40 pm

when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

What, is Gary Johnson chopped liver?

SayItWithWookies September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

So the Christian is more evil than the non-Christian? I'm sure Bryan Fischer has some elaborate, tortured justification for this that would probably be no stupider than the rest of the garbage that comes out of his little tiny brain.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Observing real-time nerve damage is quite interesting, wouldn't you say?

SayItWithWookies September 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

I've got a theory that people like Bryan Fischer are protected from senility well into their twilight years — by being so mentally incoherent to begin with that any erosion of brain function they have is undetectable to modern medicine.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I'll buy that book at full price. Good theory.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

For a clinical study, see any recent Pat Robertson video.

Schmannnity September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Too bad Romney didn't pick Lieberman as VP, head explosions, etc.

shelwood46 September 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I'm not sure picking a Catholic is looked on that much more favorably by Fundies.

Sophist[Kochblocker] September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Sorry, Bryan, you can't unshit a bed. You and your ilk have spent years demonizing Mormons, so I don't think a lukewarm endorsement of the idea that voting for one is not inherently sinful will make evangelicals any more enthusiastic about it.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"the idea that voting for one is not inherently sinful will make evangelicals any more enthusiastic about it."

Voting for the black guy, on the other hand…

Redgyal September 25, 2012 at 1:45 pm

You might be on to something.

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2012 at 1:04 pm

This is why I don't buy the theory that all the fundies are really working together on the long game, ie. forcing the apocalypse/rapture/whatever.

They're all just saying whatever they think will get them the most attention and/or money today.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm

when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

Lemme think…one guy is a Christian struggling to bring the nation forward into the 21st Century, and the other is a Christian+ who wants to rebaptize all of us in Moroni's image before sending us off to Kolob to work on the plantation.

Pardon me, but I'll stick with the Nearer, My God, to thee.

freakishlywrong September 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Or one guy would help a crazy poor with a kidney ailment on food stamps, and the other wouldn't. But, they're both awful.

Chichikovovich September 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Yeah, but the first guy is awful because would help a crazy poor with a kidney ailment on food stamps. The other guy wouldn't, but the lunatic things his religion believes don't include the 100% reasonable and not-at-all incoherent thesis that Christ was actually God, and that the two of them are identical.

So you can see that there is so much evil there, that it's hard to pick a winner.

bobbert September 26, 2012 at 1:15 am

Well played, sir.

{CLANG}

mavenmaven September 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

The "Most Evil" of the group is, of course, Bryan Fischer.

freakishlywrong September 25, 2012 at 12:42 pm

You know what's weird? I'm looking forward to the rapture as much as these hateful zealots are.

UnholyMoses September 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I just hope it happens soon, as I need a new car.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Dibs on that LG Flatscreen over there.

MacRaith September 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Want to really mess with people who believe in the Rapture? Tell them that it already happened. Remind them that according to Revelations only 44,000 (or some such number – don't remember the exact figure) people get to go to heaven. Then give them a sympathetic look and say, "You didn't make the cut either, huh?"

Then run. They'll be trying to kill you.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

So you're a Jehovah's Witness?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/144,000#Jehovah.27s_

bikerlaureate September 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

144,000.

Jehovah's Witnesses took that number and decided that's the max number of people going to Heaven anyway. Not a terrific incentive, but there ya go.

MacRaith September 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I knew it was something like that. And the funny part is, there are more than 7 million Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide, so not even all of them are going to make it to heaven by their rules.

bikerlaureate September 25, 2012 at 3:45 pm

They get to live on a restored Earth, and we apostates go to Gehenna (which rabbinical Judaism says "is considered a Purgatory-like place where the wicked go to suffer until they have atoned for their sins. It is stated that the maximum amount of time a sinner can spend in Gehenna is one year, with the exception of five people who are there for all of eternity."
(I can't find who the unlucky five are, though…)

Radiotherapy September 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Jeremiah Wright haz a confused.

mrpuma2u September 25, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"our responsibility to our brothers and sisters in the faith is to respect the place to which their conscience directs them. "

WTF? Respect for those who deviate from the jeebus talking points memos? Surely those who would think for themselves are apostates, or under the influence of Beelzabubba or the like. That sound an awful lot like lieberal atheist talk.

Blueb4sinrise September 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Shit-eating weasel. I'll bet I could walk down to the corner Fundie Hall and find a dozen people that will tell you why the Bibble says to vote against Barry.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Okay, so the evil equation is (black > Mormon) = stupid. Yeah, thanks.

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Now that's math I can understand.

Nostrildamus September 25, 2012 at 1:19 pm

∫eˣ ≡ ƒ(u)⊂K

TheMightyHaltor September 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Sorry black Mormons…all two of you are screwed.

Shypixel September 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I am starting to wish that the government would pay as much attention to my genitalia as it does to women's.

Hell, at least then someone would be paying attention to the lil' guy…

MonkeyHamlet September 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm

NO SHIT:
Deuteronomy 23:1
No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.
Maybe this is why Bryan is so angry.

MacRaith September 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Now, when Joe Biden enters the assembly of the Lord, they just escort him right to the front row.

MonkeyHamlet September 25, 2012 at 2:51 pm

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was VERY good.

GeorgiaBurning September 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

No wonder Lance Armstrong gets so pissy

slamtundra September 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

That verse should've been in the book of Neuteronomy.

ChillBill September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

To use a common figure of speech, without implying that either of these men is “evil,”

"…but one is a Socialist Marxist Kenyan Communist Muslim Hitler-sympathizer."

EatsBabyDingos September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Bryan probably kisses his lesbian sister and wonders why she doesn't kiss him back. Of course, it is because she died of mortification from being Bryan's sister.

SorosBot September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

But wait, Obama is a traditional Protestant Christian; why can't they vote for him?

Baconzgood September 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

He's black.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Do you mean the President or Obama^i¹?

¹ You know, imaginary Obama that only appears in chairs next to Clint Eastwood.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I have come to the realization that they just don't want their decisions "colored" by facts.

hagajim September 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

He's muslin or some type of material.

ChillBill September 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I think it might be related to that permanent tan of his.

freakishlywrong September 25, 2012 at 12:45 pm

The Jesus packing pics seriously crack me the fuck up.

ManchuCandidate September 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Lie down with Mormoni, Wake up with extra wives and moral relativism.

actor212 September 25, 2012 at 12:46 pm

when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

Me, I'm voting for Cthulhu. Why settle?

Chichikovovich September 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Yeah, yeah.

You just want to be eaten first.

slowhansolo September 25, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Cthulhu loves you. (In a sandwich.)

weejee September 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm

As usual Bryan, your thinking is neither fish nor fowl, but Fischer foul. Poopyhead!

SorosBot September 25, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Wait, if Fischer thinks Christians should choose less evil, then why does he head the AFA, a hate group which is one of the most pure evil organizations in America?

NellCote71 September 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

There you go again, using that logic thingie.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Nuanced!

Goonemeritus September 25, 2012 at 12:48 pm

This Jesus fellow must have been a really divisive character.

Mumbletypeg September 25, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Donald Trump* adds: the Son of Man Himself would approve of "getting even" rather than being taken advantage of; to hell with turning the other cheek!

* courtesy of someone on wonkville. Had hoped it would become a front-page post.

sewollef September 25, 2012 at 12:49 pm

There's a distinction being made here by Herr Fischer. And that distinction is to show a toleration for and respect to fellow christianists.

However, if you belong to any other religion, oh say, Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim, then you're shit out of luck in the empathy stakes with our Bryan. And if you're an atheist, then god help you [pun most definitely intended], since you're a soulless heathen with no values and should be put to death.

I'm not going to curse today [since yesterday's posts from me were worse than a drunken sailor on shore leave]. I'll just say I don't think I like him much.

NorthStarSpanx September 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

If unhistorical Jesus looked more like this http://goo.gl/rkilh, would he be so popular with American fundies?

Steverino247 September 25, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Jesus Christ stars as Chuck Connors in The New Rifleman.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

The Son of God is now Paw? I'd watch that.

chascates September 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Just a peace-lovin' sodbuster who killed 3 or 4 people each week. Just like God.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

No, I'm pretty sure it was Fess Parker!

ChillBill September 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Poor Fischie; has anyone told him that "the Mormon" is going to lose?

BartStarrland September 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Olson Johnson: All right… we'll give some land to the n*****rs and the chinks. But we don't want the Irish!
[everyone complains]
Olson Johnson: Aw, prairie shit… Everybody!
[everyone rejoices]

hagajim September 25, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Is it just me, or did Bryan Fischer just twist himself into a Romney-worthy pretzel shape.

NellCote71 September 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Yes. On his etch-a-sketch board.

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Looking For Mr. God-Bar

Hee! {snort}

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Must be anticipating a deeply religious experience.

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 4:38 pm

True story: Looking For Mr. Goodbar is another movie my father allowed me to see at a highly inappropriate age. (I was 9, IIRC.)

SayItWithWookies September 25, 2012 at 12:53 pm

…when Christians are faced with a choice between the lesser of two evils, Christians should choose less evil.

Sure — because as that Jesus fellow said (I think it was in The Two Towers, as they were being chased by the Nazgul) — if your right hand should offend you, hold it behind your back and swear up and down that you've been left-handed all your life.

An_Outhouse September 25, 2012 at 12:54 pm

"this decision falls into that large gray area of life governed by individual conscience"

Gray area? individual conscience?

This is so blasphemous, 1000 lashes is not adequate to save this Bryan Fischer person's misguided soul.

Episcopalian or Moromon? Like you have to even think about it. Of course you pick the Mormon.

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

That gobsmacked me too, one of these fundie tools talking "gray areas" and "conscience."

BarackMyWorld September 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

The only election Jesus participated in, he lost to Barabus.

Baconzgood September 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Well played my friend.

Blueb4sinrise September 25, 2012 at 1:00 pm

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spurning Beer September 25, 2012 at 1:14 pm

You get an honorary Th.D., brother.

BarackMyWorld September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Thanks, but don't they take off for spelling? I think it's supposed to be "Barabbas."

GunToting[Redacted] September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I'm pretty sure the dude's name was not originally spelled using our alphabet, so you get those points back. Had you written בר-אבא, you would have graduated with honors.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 25, 2012 at 4:31 pm

But what about Brian!?!

DerrickWildcat September 25, 2012 at 12:56 pm

All you really have to do is get on a forum and say something like,
"After all Mormonism is actually the truest pathway to eternal salvation"
and whatever Bryan Fischer said will quickly be forgotten.

It's kinda mean, but it's also kind of funny.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Shorter Fischer: "Mormons: Not as bad as Children of Ham."

IncenseDebate September 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Jon Hamm, though, is kinda cool.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The first beer I ever got drunk on was Hamm's.

Tundra Grifter September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

"When the Hamm's Bear says it's closing time,
You won't have far to crawl."

Spurning Beer September 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Is that some kind of kosher joke?

Hamites — the other non-white meat.

Tundra Grifter September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I'm pretty sure all those Muslins aren't the sons of Ham.

UnholyMoses September 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

You know, it's a damn shame God has been slacking on that whole smiting business …

Callyson September 25, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Well, this is a ringing endorsement.

ThundercatHo September 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Why isn't Jesus wearing RealTree?

GeorgiaBurning September 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

He IS turning the other cheek.

EatsBabyDingos September 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Bryan would vote for Santerian, with its catholic voodoo, before a Mormon.

SpeedoFart September 25, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I don't know… that Jesus is awfully swarthy.

cromiller September 25, 2012 at 1:01 pm

You know, a quick Google search reveals that nice Gary Johnson fella was raised Lutheran. Is that more palatable? I think Lutherans at least still worship Real Jesus (TM).

Peckerwood_Pete September 25, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Mormonism isn't that weird…. I suppose Jesus could have started a moon colony in the 1800s…. it's posssible… right? I mean, it's possible the Garden of Eden was located in present day Missouri, right? Right, guys?

valthemus September 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Bryan's right, the bible should be much more specific about how much we should hate different people. Maybe with some kind of numbered ranking.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And full color illustrations.

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Unfortunately, the rankings change, just like in the AP Coach's Poll for college football teams. I mean, the Japs and the Krauts used to be out worst enemies, but now the Japanese and the Germans are our BFFs.

Nostrildamus September 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I couldn't ask for a better public face of Christianity than Bryan Fischer.

Allmighty_Manos September 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

" Fischer was not invited to speak at this year’s Values Voter Summit"

Pussies

chascates September 25, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Wait till he finds out that voting for a Mormon MAKES you a Mormon!

BaldarTFlagass September 25, 2012 at 1:10 pm

If I've got to vote for someone in a Cult, I think I'll choose Buck Dharma or Eric Bloom.

Needz moar cowbell!

MUHAMMED_PBUH September 25, 2012 at 3:26 pm

or Groovie Mann

Nostrildamus September 25, 2012 at 1:11 pm

The Bible has some awesome advice on how to treat your slaves, how to get along with your concubines, and how to stone your children to death if they’re disobedient, but not one word about how you or anyone else should vote.

Z: I think you must have an old edition. Update here.

ibwilliamsi September 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I think that you and your friends should NOT vote in protest. Jeebus will understand.

prommie September 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Anyone else ever think there is some cognitive dysfunction associated with literalist evangelical christianity? Its like cognitive dissonance is a symptom of it, compartmentalizing, because man these holier than thou evangelicals always seem to be the ones who spend their weekends in a wetsuit with a ball-gag in their mouth, and narcissism. I mean isn't it kinda narcissistic to believe in "your own personal jesus?" Isn't it narcissisitic to always be talking about God using the possessive? They all think Jesus is their own thing, somehow they own Jesus, and they think the supreme ruler of all creation has nothing better to do all day except be their own personal buddy and listen to their every petty fucking thought which is always about themselves. I mean really, there is a sickness associated with this religion, a mental disorder of some kind. Is television to blame? Video games? Meth? What the fuck? Its time we take a medical approach to evangelicalism, I think its appropriate.

emmelemm September 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Depeche Mode libel!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Christians > Mormons > Jews > Muslims > Buttsex Greek Democracy.

PubOption September 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I think they would put Catholics between Christians and Mormons.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 25, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Papist? I think they fit in after the Greeks.

bobbert September 26, 2012 at 1:24 am

Well done, squeezing that in.

bikerlaureate September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I can't tell if you factored in melanin level, there.

Nostrildamus September 25, 2012 at 1:12 pm

That pic remind anyone else of Rifleman?

chascates September 25, 2012 at 1:16 pm

While at this very moment (according to Drudge) Obama is doing his apology tour at the UN:

President at U.N. doesn't mention terrorism by radical Islamists…

'THE FUTURE MUST NOT BELONG TO THOSE WHO SLANDER THE PROPHET OF ISLAM'…

… Attack on U.S. is attack on U.N.

Skips meetings with foreign leaders…

Adviser: 'If He Met With One Leader, He Would Have to Meet With 10'…

herecomedajudge September 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

certain Mormons, at various times in history get an "evil pass". So I guess Fisher did some research in the bible and found out ( a little late, mind you) that Romney's time for an evil pass in November 2012.

Its all in the bible….I looked

GeorgiaBurning September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Romney as Porter Rockwell? He'll need a better horse.

DahBoner September 25, 2012 at 1:23 pm

First Law of Mr Whipple's Christianity: PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE THE MORMANS

Guppy September 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

(The Bible) was written by people to whom the very idea of representative democracy was entirely foreign?

Fun fact! The Bible does talk about democracy… if you're Catholic! I give you 1 Macc 8:14-16:

Yet for all this none of them wore a crown or was clothed in purple, to be magnified thereby: Moreover how they had made for themselves a senate house, wherein three hundred and twenty men sat in council daily, consulting alway for the people, to the end they might be well ordered: And that they committed their government to one man every year, who ruled over all their country, and that all were obedient to that one, and that there was neither envy nor emmulation among them.

Of course, Martin Luther retconned Maccabees out of the Bible, so no voting for the fundy Protestants!

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm

MaCabees sounds more like a chain casual dining restaurant than scripture. I say it stays out!!

YouBetcha September 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Hey, at least it's not the black fella, amirite?

finette_ September 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I think this got lost in the run-up to the GOP convention, but I was still a bit disappointed that Wonkette missed it.

Fischer: "Women's suffrage only thing keeping Obama in the game: Obama down 8 with men, up 8 with women."

ahnc September 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

You might be a Republican if you use guns and Jesus in the same sentence.

Redgyal September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Sure no mention of voting but the work hypocrite IS in the Bible.

owhatever September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Nostradamus foresaw this when he wrote, "By the second year of the second decade of the year called Ballini, the people of the land of Untiedstat had put upon their throne a beastie from the dark continent. A member of the sacred clan of the Morms will try to vanquish the cursed one, but will be too weak. In fact, he could not find his ass with a flashlight and a GPS. The beastie continued his ruinous rule and severed the balls of Bryan Fischer."

fuflans September 25, 2012 at 3:49 pm

this should be way way closer to the top of the comment stream.

Karma_Suture September 25, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Second Amendment Jesus!
I made that!
(with no help except the guy that painted it, the guy that photographed the rifle, the internet. (Thanks Al!), Bill Gates, IBM, photoshop and many others too numerous to name. ))
And I did it on my own!

Chet Kincaid_ September 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Jesus Christ clearin' brush, it's the Rapture!!

Tundra Grifter September 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Back in November 2011, Fisher did a remarkably thorough job of proving (r)Money isn't a real ("orthodox") Christian by predicting if he were the Republican nominee the Democrats would go all out to prove he isn't a real ('orthodox") Christian.
http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/fischer/11112

Like most of them give a shit.

LibrarianX September 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

So, I just picked up a copy of this "Bible" book – have you people READ that thing? There is the craziest shit in that book!!

Katydid September 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm

We must not attempt to legislate for them or seek to impose our standards on the dictates of their own conscience.

Isn't lying against one of those silly 10 Commandments? "Thou shalt not lie through your teeth like the lying piece of shit liar you are."

Or something like that.

dennis1943 September 25, 2012 at 3:12 pm

He probly' had to gargle………

ttommyunger September 25, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Self-righteous turds like Fischer (and there are literally millions of them) give Christianity a black eye. In the quiet hours of the night he must know this, deep down inside; and I'm pretty sure it scares the shit out of him.

Swampgas_Man September 25, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Pretty sure Hitler is high on the list.

mbatch September 26, 2012 at 8:09 am

Ah, Choctaw Bingo. That entire song is a portrait of the average Oklahoma/Texas Republican.

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