sometimes when we touch

Watch Out, America: Handsome Joe Biden Wants To Snuggle You

Your personal space is his personal space, babyGuys, Wonkette’s Los Angeles-based Editrix is probably still asleep at this early hour, so we’ll just take this opportunity to discuss a story that may produce some mixed emotions for her. We mean, on the one hand, who doesn’t love hundreds of words in the paper of record about Old Handsome Joe Biden all getting into your personal space and laying his gentle, friendly hands on you? But on the other, with California in the bag for Obama, chances are very slim that our Editrix will experience a campaign moment like this: “Outside the Airport Diner here on Saturday, Mr. Biden shook Samantha Mullin’s hand while stroking her left forearm. He placed a hand on one shoulder. He put his other hand on her other shoulder. As he looked into her eyes, he touched her cheek.” Yowza! HOTTT!

So, yes, the New York Times has a whole article about Joe Biden just stone cold hugging ladies and makin’ ’em swoon on the campaign trail in New Hampshire. Too bad Hail to the Slash is only for same-sex presidential erotica, or else prose like this would beat out any of the fictional entries:

Mr. Biden is a touch person, draping arms around people’s shoulders to pose for a picture and then keeping them draped while continuing to chat. At a high school in New Hampshire on Friday, he fielded a question from a history teacher, Kayleigh Durkin, 26, by extending a hand to draw her into the center of a circle of students with him. While he spoke, he continued to hold her hand, as though they were a high school couple going steady.

Did it feel awkward? “No, I was so excited,” Ms. Durkin said later. “I love him.”

Later, another lady says that her close encounter with the Vice President was “out of my comfort zone but not uncomfortable,” which is pretty much a sentence you expect to read in a paragraph that begins “Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would happen to me…”

At another New Hampshire campaign stop, Biden extolled the virtue of college cheerleaders … as athletes, you guys. “They’re almost all gymnasts. The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind, thinking, you know, they’re up there without a net. You know?” WE KNOW, JOE. [NYT/ABC]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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      1. Jus_Wonderin

        Okay, it's a deal. When I meet you I will tell Mr. Sulu to lower the shields. Actually, I work overtime to be "outgoing" but then I have to "warren up".

        However, one Vodka/Seven and I am good to go. Grin.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I USED to be a big hugger, back when guys would hug me on purpose for the "boob smash" of it all – now that I am older and haven't had NEAR enough hugs in the last few months, I am alllllll about some smashing. SO watch out!

  1. Peckerwood_Pete

    Dog the Bounty Hunter is going to be pissed that Joe Biden is all up on his wife.

    But ya gotta love ol' Joe. He seems like a really swell guy.

    1. BadKitty904

      I swear, Handsome Joe must move about accompanied by his own, personal, 24/7 soundtrack of Barry White tunes…

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Somehow, he's Clinton without the overt hound dog. It's that smile that seems genuine, but buried in the twinkle of the eye is just the slightest hint of a troublemaker ready and willing to do anything. Well, that and the actual ability to make people think he gives a shit about them.

        1. sullivanst

          This is why the political definition of "gaffe" is to say what you actually mean, when you didn't intend to. Biden literally doesn't do that.

        2. Gleem McShineys

          OR WHAT?
          GO AWAY

    1. ThundercatHo

      I'm picturing a Borg cube with Rmoney toothpaste swooshes on the side. The Enterprise just has the O-logo all over the saucer section.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      Except in this alt-universe, Spock is in touch enough with his human side to swag like a gangsta. Sort of like if Spock thoughout the series was more like the dude in Star Trek IV and even the recent reboot than the original version. Because Kirk may get the casual green female, but Spock nailing Uhura – that's winning.

  2. Barbara_

    I'm going to get one of the secret service dudes to pass Joe a note from me after Socialists Studies class. I hope he checks the "yes" box. (fingers crossed)

  3. Terry

    I love Joe. I'd hold hands with him with no second thoughts, although my mother would probably beat me to it.

    Imagine those situations with Romney. Awkward!

  4. freakishlywrong

    I need to get my hands on handsome Joe's schedule. I could use a little healing touch right about now.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Joe be STROKIN'!
    He strokes it to the east, strokes it to the west,
    strokes is to the women that he loves the best.

    1. mrpuma2u

      Joe is putting it all out there. He said cheerleader and hardwood in one statement.

      It ain't no mosquito, Joe's libido.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        And threw in a "blows" for good measure:

        The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind

        This is a *lot* sexier than the Republican dog-whistle stuff we hear all the time.

    2. tessiee

      My entirely awesome ex-boss was also an ex-DJ, and incredibly knowledgeable about all kinds of music, which made for great conversations:
      Boss: Do you know, "I stroke it to the east, I stroke it to the west"?
      Me: I hope to GOD that you're referring to the Clarence Carter song!

    3. doloras

      You're strokin' it, Joe Biden
      But you're strokin' too darn fast
      And if my stuff ain't tight enough
      You can stroke it in my…

  6. Goonemeritus

    If you can hear me scream “get off of my lawn” you are in my personal space. I do admire the ability to make personal connections in other people, I don’t understand it but I admire it.

  7. BaldarTFlagass

    You know what Joe likes about high school girls? No matter how old he gets, they stay the same age.

  8. Chet Kincaid_

    50 Shades Of Veep

    “His body language — facing me with both hands on my shoulders, standing face to face only about an inch and a half away from mine and unrelenting eye contact — combined with the genuine sincerity of his words” were what “brought tears to my eyes,” Ms. Funk said in an e-mail message.

      1. Stevola

        Picture the same cliche used four times in the space of three pages. Then a different cliche, four times over the next three pages. Repeat throughout three books.

        Yeah, I read that crap.

        1. BerkeleyBear

          So did my wife – after which her left handed compliment to me was that my self-published young adult novel was better written. Which I don't doubt. Then again, I get the impression most Chinese take-out restaurant menus are better written, so it wasn't all that much of a compliment.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Quiet rooms where Mitt is the only speaker, with $25000-a-plate sauted chicken breasts in mushroom sauce. Those are Mitt's people.

        (Especially the $25000 part.)

    1. tessiee

      Within the heavily fortified, death-ray-topped walls surrounding a castle on top of a skull-shaped mountain?

      By the way, if you're in search of a personal description, allow me to suggest, "Upfist my comment, or the dog gets it".

  9. Ruhe

    Never too old to put on a slow show for the ladies…and meanwhile Mitt is just looking for a place to not be nervous and not be thinking about his dick.

  10. actor212

    “They’re almost all gymnasts. The stuff they do on hardwood, it absolutely blows my mind, thinking, you know, they’re up there without a net. You know?”

    Boy, talk about dogwhistles…

  11. no_gravity

    I'm pissed. I had a ticket to see Handsome Joe when he was going to crash the RNC in Tampa but he cancelled his appearance because of the Not a Hurricane Isaac.

  12. Lot_49

    Uh, he did, in 1998. There was the little matter of a speech plagiarized from Brit Labor Party guy Neil Kinnoch, thus giving us the Dukakis candidacy. Also ran again in '08.

    Almost forgot the second one–found it when I had to look up the first.

  13. EatsBabyDingos

    Frequently, Handsome Joe will then have sexytime with a seagull, because one good tern deserves another.

  14. Limeylizzie

    I adore this man, just adore him, we are so lucky to have him as VP, I know if he did that to me I would be unable to stop it right there, I would be all over him.

  15. Limeylizzie

    This, also.

    As Mr. Biden worked his way around the Acoustic Café in Eau Claire, Wis., this month, he snatched crackers and other tidbits off diners’ plates. Posing for a picture with his arms around two women, he glanced back at a group of men and said, “Hard work, guys.”

      1. Limeylizzie

        Well, Jill was all giddy thinking about him doing the love-act the other day, so I assume you are correct.

    1. tessiee

      Compare and contrast with the two spoiled rich kid Republican assholes who whined, "It's HARD!"

      [E*g and B*sh]

  16. ThundercatHo

    Instead of asking for money for a chance to win dinner with the Prez the Obama campaign should be selling raffle tickets for a chance to have a ride with Joe in his Trans Am. Bitchin'!!!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      I was astonished to learn on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me that after a single woman at a New York show threw her panties at Tom Jones, his publicist, Jay Bernstein, started paying women at Jones' Las Vegas shows to do the same.

      1. actor212

        Yes, believe it or not, the manager was worried that the shows would flop. After a woman at the Copa (where else?) handed her panties to one of his flunkies to give to him (instead of the traditional "phone number on a cocktail napkin") the publicist had what ended up being a brilliant idea.

  17. Doktor Zoom

    You see, this just demonstrates the utter moral bankruptcy of the liberal media. Why isn't Joe Biden being prosecuted for sexual harassment? If Mitch McConnell was going around pawing women like this, you hypocrites would be calling him a monster.


  18. prommie

    Like that drunken uncle who winds up hitting on your girlfriend after Thanksgiving dinner. Thats Old Handsome Joe; America's pervy uncle!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      This is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. Unless you have an uncle like Joe for reals. In that case, oh yeah, Thanksgiving with the fam – I'm wearing something slutty.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          Oh, to be 12 years younger, and scandalizing the other side in the flame war with the news that their greatest antagonists are now having coffee together on the back porch…

      1. tessiee

        I have two *actual* Uncle Joes, which kept me from commenting in this thread, "I love me some Uncle Joe".

        Also, I still have to sit at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

  19. Guppy

    with California in the bag for Obama, chances are very slim that our Editrix will experience a campaign moment like this

    The next announced Wonkette Drinky Thing will be at the USNO.

  20. johnnymeatworth

    On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the Vice-Presidential candidate with the red roses?

      1. bobbert

        I was a little put out by the stupid of it all, but (1) 12 points? Come on, guys. And (2) if there was ever a team that deserved a game-deciding make-up call, it's the Seahawks.

  21. rickmaci

    In a campaign that is otherwise so bland it makes beige look like a rainbow, Joe is like a giant slash of purple crayon on the wall. You know what I mean?

  22. ttommyunger

    What's the difference between the Biden Bedroom and the Romney Bedroom? The difference between Lightning and Lightning Bug.

    1. prommie

      That Mark Twain, he was good. Huckleberry Finn, and Catch-22, the bookends of great american novel-dom. They are what warped me the way I am.

  23. owhatever

    Paul Ryan was impressed and tried the same tactic with a cheerleader. A hand extended, forearm caressed, other hand to shoulder, looked soulfully with those hound dog eyes, then said, "Under my plans, if you get hurt doing a flip, you and all of your family will die hungry and poor."

  24. TavariousChinaSmith

    Mitt Romney's campaign just sent out a press release noting that like his meatware opponents, he is also "fully functional".

  25. Jukesgrrl

    Handsome Joe is holding hands with an excited 26-year-old history teacher in New England while Rmoney is trying desperately to drum up a cheer in a whiter-than-white town that couldn't get any more Republican if Reagan had been born there. Do we really need to pay pollsters?

  26. AznMom420

    Veep Joe is keeping our unbroken streak of sexually charged Democratic administrations going strong, but not too strong. Guys take notes, ladies take a number.

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