TYPICAL MORMON LIBTARD  6:30 pm September 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon Cousin: Amnesty For Everyone!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Probably not such a penis back thenWell, we are finally at Part Six of Vice’s foray into the wilds of Me-hee-co, about the Mexican branch of Mitt Romney’s family, and how they and the cartels are just totally kidnapping each other all the time, and this part is really interesting! Why is it interesting when there hasn’t even been a beheading in four whole installments? Because Mitt’s cousin thinks there should be AMNESTY for illegal immigrants in the US, AND a guest worker program, and probably, like, food and shelter and not starving to death too! Sorry, Mitt Romney’s cousin, but obviously you are a terrible Christian.

Join us tomorrow for the Grand Finale! Parts One, Two, Three, Four and Five.

[Vice]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 127 comments }

Boojum September 24, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Mormon Radio would not have been a good song.

Tequila Mockingbird September 24, 2012 at 6:37 pm

That was the original title of the Wall of Voodoo hit!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 24, 2012 at 8:07 pm

Wall of Voodoo Libel!

Radiotherapy September 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

RADIO LIBEL!

mille derps September 25, 2012 at 12:42 am

Border Radio libel!

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:40 am

Elvis Costello libel!

DahBoner September 24, 2012 at 6:50 pm

These guys would be cool if they had their own radio station playing unrepentant bandeleros about drinking tequilla, raping 15 year old sister wifes and accidentally killing narcos.

But they don't, therefore not cool.

LionHeartSoyDog September 25, 2012 at 1:13 am

cia narcos. "Oops."
Don't ask. Don't detail.

WhatTheHeck September 24, 2012 at 7:13 pm

I’m not sure if Bar-B-Que Iguana is kosher in Mormon food laws. Tastes like chicken, but too much caffeine in the meat.

CthuNHu September 24, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Strangely, caffeine isn't banned; "hot drinks" are, but that's understood to mean coffee and tea, including iced coffee and iced tea, while hot chocolate and Mountain Dew are okay (even if the hyper-devout might avoid them to be on the safe side).

Mittens actually ordered coffee ice cream in front of the press somewhere a while ago, obviously to make non-Mormon folks think, "Whoa, he can't be a real nutjob if he's willing to flip his church the bird on the caffeine thing," while Mormons would just think, "Hah, sweet move Mitt, way to befuddle the goyim."

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:42 am

Isn't somebody who follows the letter of the religious law, but not the spirit of the law, commonly classified as a Pharisee?

CthuNHu September 25, 2012 at 2:00 am

Not if even the True Believers can't figure out what the spirit of the law is. No hot drinks? No crustaceans? No bacon? No linsey-woolsey? Even Thomas Aquinas on acid couldn't come up with a great and profound law that these rules could be the emanation of.

Toomush_Infer September 25, 2012 at 9:26 am

Back in the 60's, when they were contemplating buying Coca-Cola, it took a dream vision from the then head of the Mormon Church, to make God give his ok…..

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm

"Pollo de los árboles" was what I was told iguana was called on the menu when I was in Mexico…

chascates September 24, 2012 at 6:33 pm

I wish Mormons would found their own country, like the Zionists did. I'm more than willing to allow them to have Utah on the condition they all move there and don't leave.

emmelemm September 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm

And build a wall.

mull_man September 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Can the fundies be Hamas?

chascates September 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Deal.

Barrelhse September 24, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Jean Schmidt informs us that Hamas is already in MEXICO! With Hezbollah!!

LibertyLover September 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

You know, those mountains in Utah have some mighty good skiing snow…

Barrelhse September 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm

There won't be any snow at all in a few years!

LibertyLover September 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Good point. Carry on….

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:42 am

And they're also all the right height.

DrunkIrishman September 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I LIVE IN UTAH! DON'T DO THIS TO ME GODDAMMIT!

bikerlaureate September 24, 2012 at 9:08 pm

If the rest of us were to get so lucky, there would be a solid repatriation program.

Radiotherapy September 24, 2012 at 10:36 pm

How the fuck do you get drunk on 3.2% beer??!?

DrunkIrishman September 24, 2012 at 11:41 pm

I buy my beer at the liquor store.

valgal2342 September 24, 2012 at 11:42 pm

Moab is awesome.

LibrarianX September 24, 2012 at 9:55 pm

I'd rather send all the crazies to Texas and be done with it. Utah is full of bat-shit crazy, but it also really beautiful. Canyonlands, Arches, Bryce and Zion are pretty freaking awesome places.

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

They did. It was called Utah, and then we all Manifest Destinied their asses.

PeaceWithHonor September 24, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Can't we talk about garments, the unisex Mormon burqa?

Joshua Norton September 24, 2012 at 6:35 pm

the Mexican branch of Mitt Romney’s family

So does that make Mittens their "Gringo Star"?

I think it does.

FlownOver September 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

All You Need Is Cash

or, if you prefer,

(I Get By) With a Little Help from My Horse

AlterNewt September 25, 2012 at 12:25 am

"and all I gotta do is
act naturally"

mille derps September 25, 2012 at 12:46 am

Game's up, then…

MissTaken September 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Mormon mouthbreathers make me mad.

SorosBot September 24, 2012 at 7:05 pm

You're an alarmingly alliterative alligator.

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Surprisingly, the colonia Mormons seem more reasonable, at least on their face, than do a lot of our American Mormons.

And, really, you take a close look at the Mormon religion, and you wonder why more of them aren't simply conservative Democrats. I mean, they are damn-near communal in their mindset. A beehive? Are you kidding me? These people are socially conservative communists.

LionHeartSoyDog September 25, 2012 at 1:20 am

Well then, how does an albino talking lizard relate to social scientists?

SorosBot September 24, 2012 at 6:45 pm

The worship of Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl and Huitzilopochtli may have been more humane than Mormonism.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 24, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Just wait until we get to the point tomorrow where the Mormons chopped off the heads of virgins to insure that their underwear was sufficiently hallow.

rocktonsam September 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

what song could they possibly be singing?

LibertyLover September 24, 2012 at 7:01 pm

"Home, Home on the Range…." ?
"Oklahoma!" ?
"Oh, the Wheels on the Bus go round and round?"
I KNOW!

America, the Beautiful!

(Where the trees are just the right height and the clouds are oh so pretty)

soeoho September 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

There's alot we don't yet know about them…
What makes you think that they are singing?

Barrelhse September 24, 2012 at 7:12 pm

"I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke."

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 8:33 am

"I'd Like to Teach the Romney's to Sing"

neiltheblaze September 24, 2012 at 9:33 pm

"How Great Thou Art"

mille derps September 25, 2012 at 12:52 am

Kumbaya?

Fukui-sanYesOta September 25, 2012 at 4:52 am

The Horst Wessel Song?

rmjagg September 24, 2012 at 6:46 pm

or gringo bitch

DahBoner September 24, 2012 at 6:47 pm

the wilds of Me-hee-co

Where's that? Never been there.

But I have been to México a few times.

Pronounced MEH-he-co…

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 9:06 pm

True that.

HarryButtle September 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Play Free Bird!

AlterNewt September 25, 2012 at 12:25 am

*waves lighter*

Pragmatist2 September 24, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Mitt supports the Guest Worker program too, but he wants the "guests" to be in China.

chascates September 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

"Poor Mexico. So far from God, so close to Salt Lake City."

Beowoof September 24, 2012 at 6:52 pm

They should be happy the Mexicans don't run them out of the country for being Gringo Loco.

RedneckMuslin September 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Ryan erased La Bamba, The Macarena, and the Mexican Hat Dance off Rmoney's iPod.

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:44 am

So, do we have to give him partial credit for erasing the Macarena, or what?

Toomush_Infer September 25, 2012 at 9:31 am

What about El Paso?….How about Ghost Riders in the Sky?…or is TexMex still okay?…

mbobier September 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Yes, Mittens' cousin is obviously a horrible person for espousing such compassionate and reasonable views regarding immigration. Doesn't he know that even American citizens are not "ENTITLED to health care, to food, to housing?" If citizens have to starve in the streets while perishing of preventable diseases, why should undocumented immigrants fare any better? Silly Romney cousin!

kittensdontlie September 24, 2012 at 9:40 pm

That dumbass Mittens is clueless. Illegal immigrants do all the sh*tty work no one else will do, and are generally kind and decent folks. We need to lure Mitt back to his parent's homeland, then close the border.

Antispandex September 24, 2012 at 7:09 pm

If only those Mexicans would hang in there and try not to starve until that glorious day when Mitt seizes power…I mean is democratically elected, then he can send the rest of the jobs, that we don't have either, to Mexico. Everyone's problem is solved! Oh, and tax cuts.

johnnyzhivago September 24, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Mitt just looks like da gang-sta in that photo.

BloviateMe September 24, 2012 at 7:20 pm

Funny, they made Mitt's brother rock a sweater vest in that picture, but Mittens is way too cool for that shit.

Guppy September 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I was too distracted by Lenore's soft, fuzzy turtleneck to notice.

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:46 am

And although the picture is black and white, somehow you know the sweater vest is beige.

BloviateMe September 25, 2012 at 1:54 am

…and he has 2.5 balls.

Oh wait, that's the average amt. of children, not testicles.

Shit, I need to regroup and take another swipe at this.

owhatever September 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

"I want some girls, just like the girls, that married dear ole grandpa."

LibertyLover September 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I see what you did there. ;-)

Terry September 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

It's curious how many conservatives seem to characterize Mitt Romney's grandparents as missionaries. They were probably spreading the Word when given the opportunity, but they were just plain living in Mexico.

SorosBot September 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

And the family had moved down there to escape anti-polygamy laws in the US.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Which is a mission, of sorts.

freddymcmurray September 24, 2012 at 9:39 pm

i like your position.

Chet Kincaid_ September 24, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Mormon Splitters, drinkin' ungodly Tequila, per these videos.

mille derps September 25, 2012 at 12:58 am

Isn't "Mormon missionary" somewhat redundant?

HempDogbane September 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Any word on Nancy Botwin?

DrunkIrishman September 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I think she's now the Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

DrunkIrishman September 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Mitt Romney was one ugly kid. I bet he was teased a lot … probably explains a lot, doesn't it?

Schmannnity September 24, 2012 at 7:37 pm

If the Romneys are from Chihuahua, how did he end up with an Irish Sitter on the roof of his car?

BlueStateLibel September 24, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Who's the little sociopath in the lower left corner of that photo? Looks familiar.

VinnyThePooh September 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I'm wondering who is the true father of Craig Romney. I think Ann was bent over a different sawhorse when she conceived that black – er, brown – swan.

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I don't know. Craig looks like his daddy, to me. It's Ben that doesn't look like Mitt; he only looks like Ann.

Callyson September 24, 2012 at 7:58 pm

OT alert–this is hilarious:

Obama leads Romney among NASCAR fans: Poll

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/obama-romney-n

Hee hee hee…

Schmannnity September 24, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Hell hath no fury like a cheap raincoat scorned.

weejee September 24, 2012 at 8:28 pm

He who has the last lap, laps best.

tee hee, too, also.

emmelemm September 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I read that as "fap". Possibly also works.

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Yes, yes….his misery…it feeds me.

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:47 am

Feel the hate, let it flow through you.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

So, how is it that our divine Mittens was able to grow up to be such a fine young man given a horrible, Socialist, RINO father who would give up decades of his tax returns just because "you people" might question the source of his wealth.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 10:54 pm

And, like, march for civil rights and shit. What a disgrace his father was.

Redgyal September 24, 2012 at 8:22 pm

I am not watching this anymore. Something new please Wonkette.

commiegirl99 September 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm

You do know that you don't have to, right?

Redgyal September 25, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Don't have to what? Make a comment on a blog with a comment section? Or don't have to like everything Wonkette posts? Either way thanks for letting me express myself. I know how hard that must be.

BarackMyWorld September 24, 2012 at 8:35 pm
johnnyzhivago September 24, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Arrggghjhhhh!!! Brings back memories of time at my grandparents on Saturdays.

The TV would be turned on around 8pm and the question was "Grandpa, what do you want to see" "Errrr….. I guess Welk". Then at 9pm it was time for the Osmunds, I believe.

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I would still bang Marie like a screen door.

cousinitt September 24, 2012 at 8:51 pm

I thought Mitt pronounces it Meh-hee-Co.

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:48 am

That figures; everything else about Mitt is Meh.

MonkeyMotion September 24, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Mitt es un…como se dice? pinche cabron. Si.

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Para un Norteamericano, no habla mal Español.

johnnyzhivago September 24, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Caption:

"Oh Magic Lamp – I am to release HOW MANY years of Income Tax Returns"?????

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:48 am

Reply hazy, ask again later.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 8:44 am
Blueb4sinrise September 24, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Meanwhile…….

Southern Arizona scrambling for Sonora business .
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Leave it to Willard.

SexySmurf September 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

After the election, I hope Mittens self-deports himself.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Ah, I see why this is getting deleted.

Have you guys seen this?

Speculation that Romney won't release his returns because he took amnesty for having a secret Swiss bank account back in 2009.

Wealthy U.S. taxpayers, concerned about an Internal Revenue Service crackdown on the use of secret overseas bank accounts as tax havens, are rushing to meet a Thursday deadline to disclose those accounts or face possible criminal prosecution. The concern was [edit this is a t but I can't write that]riggered this summer when Switzerland's largest bank, caught up in an international tax evasion dispute, said it would disclose the names of more than 4,000 of its U.S. account holders.

The decision shattered a long-held belief that Swiss banks would guard the identities of its American customers as carefully as they did their money, and it raised concern that other international tax havens might be next. Under an amnesty program, the IRS is allowing taxpayers to avoid prosecution for having failed to report their overseas accounts. As a result, tax attorneys across the nation have been besieged by wealthy clients who are lining up to apply even though they will still face big financial penalties.

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 11:13 pm

That would be great. Ha fucking ha. At the rate he's going, I'm sure we'll see clear to give him political amnesty after he loses the election!

Fukui-sanYesOta September 25, 2012 at 2:42 am

Fucker can refile 2011 and claim all the charitable donations if he loses.

Which he will.

greenloner September 25, 2012 at 1:13 am

I wonder who tipped off the Slate writer to this possibility.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2012 at 8:42 am

It's been suggested here on several occasions. Once it became clear that whatever was in those returns was more politically damaging than the refusal to release them, there really weren't too many options. Tax amnesty was one of the few sufficiently-awful scenarios; the other is flat-out cheating that would be revealed once the media start to dissect the returns.

My fondest hope is that those hackers really do have Mitt's tax returns in their hands.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

And then there's this. Grain of salt, etc., but the writer is real — you can look him up.

RaflcaFlkaFlame September 24, 2012 at 10:51 pm

HOLAA MUCHACHITOOOOS SON RICOS MEJICANOS EL GUBERNADORO RICO PERRIOS

-Rafalca Flocka Flame

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 10:54 pm

You all hear that Paul Ryan is basically begging Libertarians to not vote third party? Yep, they are in trouble.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 25, 2012 at 2:43 am

I did not hear that and it is fucking hilarious.

pinkocommi September 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

The phrase "Romney colony" has a scarier connotation of an alien invasion than illegal immigration from Mexico ever could.

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 6:15 am

I wonder. Is this an unpublished manuscript by Michael Crichton?

Steverino247 September 25, 2012 at 1:10 am

There's the right way, the wrong way and the pinche guey!

tessiee September 25, 2012 at 1:50 am

I don't think I could take yet another spoiled rich kid preznit speaking Peggy Hill Spanish.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 25, 2012 at 2:43 am

Comme esta l'autobus du fail?

Jus_Wonderin September 25, 2012 at 6:10 am

Needz more tacos.

iamrrm September 25, 2012 at 8:48 am

The family appears to be preparing for a mouthful of future Koch.

comrad_darkness September 25, 2012 at 9:46 am

The narrator is like the mildest documentary narrator ever. I kinda like it.

Toomush_Infer September 25, 2012 at 9:46 am

I don't know enough Spanish to use the word "fork" in a sentence, as in: "put a fork in him, he's done"….sorry…

ttommyunger September 25, 2012 at 11:25 am

Why does South Africa come to mind with every episode? How do these exploitive dickwads sleep at night? With his family roots in Mexico, his money in Sweden, his youth spent in France and his business interests in China, why would anyone think Mittens was an American Patriot? Why am I asking you?

gullywompr September 25, 2012 at 5:38 pm

"Don't pay any attention to the critics – don't even ignore them."
~Samuel Goldwyn

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: