Probably not such a penis back thenWell, we are finally at Part Six of Vice’s foray into the wilds of Me-hee-co, about the Mexican branch of Mitt Romney’s family, and how they and the cartels are just totally kidnapping each other all the time, and this part is really interesting! Why is it interesting when there hasn’t even been a beheading in four whole installments? Because Mitt’s cousin thinks there should be AMNESTY for illegal immigrants in the US, AND a guest worker program, and probably, like, food and shelter and not starving to death too! Sorry, Mitt Romney’s cousin, but obviously you are a terrible Christian.

Join us tomorrow for the Grand Finale! Parts One, Two, Three, Four and Five.


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  • Boojum

    Mormon Radio would not have been a good song.

    • Tequila Mockingbird

      That was the original title of the Wall of Voodoo hit!

    • DahBoner

      These guys would be cool if they had their own radio station playing unrepentant bandeleros about drinking tequilla, raping 15 year old sister wifes and accidentally killing narcos.

      But they don't, therefore not cool.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        cia narcos. "Oops."
        Don't ask. Don't detail.

    • WhatTheHeck

      I’m not sure if Bar-B-Que Iguana is kosher in Mormon food laws. Tastes like chicken, but too much caffeine in the meat.

      • CthuNHu

        Strangely, caffeine isn't banned; "hot drinks" are, but that's understood to mean coffee and tea, including iced coffee and iced tea, while hot chocolate and Mountain Dew are okay (even if the hyper-devout might avoid them to be on the safe side).

        Mittens actually ordered coffee ice cream in front of the press somewhere a while ago, obviously to make non-Mormon folks think, "Whoa, he can't be a real nutjob if he's willing to flip his church the bird on the caffeine thing," while Mormons would just think, "Hah, sweet move Mitt, way to befuddle the goyim."

        • tessiee

          Isn't somebody who follows the letter of the religious law, but not the spirit of the law, commonly classified as a Pharisee?

          • CthuNHu

            Not if even the True Believers can't figure out what the spirit of the law is. No hot drinks? No crustaceans? No bacon? No linsey-woolsey? Even Thomas Aquinas on acid couldn't come up with a great and profound law that these rules could be the emanation of.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Back in the 60's, when they were contemplating buying Coca-Cola, it took a dream vision from the then head of the Mormon Church, to make God give his ok…..

      • glasspusher

        "Pollo de los árboles" was what I was told iguana was called on the menu when I was in Mexico…

  • chascates

    I wish Mormons would found their own country, like the Zionists did. I'm more than willing to allow them to have Utah on the condition they all move there and don't leave.

    • emmelemm

      And build a wall.

    • mull_man

      Can the fundies be Hamas?

      • chascates


      • Barrelhse

        Jean Schmidt informs us that Hamas is already in MEXICO! With Hezbollah!!

    • LibertyLover

      You know, those mountains in Utah have some mighty good skiing snow…

      • Barrelhse

        There won't be any snow at all in a few years!

        • LibertyLover

          Good point. Carry on….

      • tessiee

        And they're also all the right height.

    • DrunkIrishman


      • bikerlaureate

        If the rest of us were to get so lucky, there would be a solid repatriation program.

      • Radiotherapy

        How the fuck do you get drunk on 3.2% beer??!?

        • DrunkIrishman

          I buy my beer at the liquor store.

      • valgal2342

        Moab is awesome.

    • LibrarianX

      I'd rather send all the crazies to Texas and be done with it. Utah is full of bat-shit crazy, but it also really beautiful. Canyonlands, Arches, Bryce and Zion are pretty freaking awesome places.

    • Negropolis

      They did. It was called Utah, and then we all Manifest Destinied their asses.

  • PeaceWithHonor

    Can't we talk about garments, the unisex Mormon burqa?

  • the Mexican branch of Mitt Romney’s family

    So does that make Mittens their "Gringo Star"?

    I think it does.

    • All You Need Is Cash

      or, if you prefer,

      (I Get By) With a Little Help from My Horse

      • AlterNewt

        "and all I gotta do is
        act naturally"

        • mille derps

          Game's up, then…

  • MissTaken

    Mormon mouthbreathers make me mad.

    • SorosBot

      You're an alarmingly alliterative alligator.

    • Negropolis

      Surprisingly, the colonia Mormons seem more reasonable, at least on their face, than do a lot of our American Mormons.

      And, really, you take a close look at the Mormon religion, and you wonder why more of them aren't simply conservative Democrats. I mean, they are damn-near communal in their mindset. A beehive? Are you kidding me? These people are socially conservative communists.

      • LionHeartSoyDog

        Well then, how does an albino talking lizard relate to social scientists?

  • SorosBot

    The worship of Tezcatlipoca, Quetzalcoatl and Huitzilopochtli may have been more humane than Mormonism.

    • Just wait until we get to the point tomorrow where the Mormons chopped off the heads of virgins to insure that their underwear was sufficiently hallow.

  • rocktonsam

    what song could they possibly be singing?

    • LibertyLover

      "Home, Home on the Range…." ?
      "Oklahoma!" ?
      "Oh, the Wheels on the Bus go round and round?"
      I KNOW!

      America, the Beautiful!

      (Where the trees are just the right height and the clouds are oh so pretty)

    • soeoho

      There's alot we don't yet know about them…
      What makes you think that they are singing?

    • Barrelhse

      "I'd Like to Buy the World a Coke."

      • Jus_Wonderin

        "I'd Like to Teach the Romney's to Sing"

    • neiltheblaze

      "How Great Thou Art"

    • mille derps


    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      The Horst Wessel Song?

  • rmjagg

    or gringo bitch

  • DahBoner

    the wilds of Me-hee-co

    Where's that? Never been there.

    But I have been to México a few times.

    Pronounced MEH-he-co…

    • glasspusher

      True that.

  • HarryButtle

    Play Free Bird!

    • AlterNewt

      *waves lighter*

  • Pragmatist2

    Mitt supports the Guest Worker program too, but he wants the "guests" to be in China.

  • chascates

    "Poor Mexico. So far from God, so close to Salt Lake City."

  • Beowoof

    They should be happy the Mexicans don't run them out of the country for being Gringo Loco.

  • RedneckMuslin

    Ryan erased La Bamba, The Macarena, and the Mexican Hat Dance off Rmoney's iPod.

    • tessiee

      So, do we have to give him partial credit for erasing the Macarena, or what?

    • Toomush_Infer

      What about El Paso?….How about Ghost Riders in the Sky?…or is TexMex still okay?…

  • mbobier

    Yes, Mittens' cousin is obviously a horrible person for espousing such compassionate and reasonable views regarding immigration. Doesn't he know that even American citizens are not "ENTITLED to health care, to food, to housing?" If citizens have to starve in the streets while perishing of preventable diseases, why should undocumented immigrants fare any better? Silly Romney cousin!

    • kittensdontlie

      That dumbass Mittens is clueless. Illegal immigrants do all the sh*tty work no one else will do, and are generally kind and decent folks. We need to lure Mitt back to his parent's homeland, then close the border.

  • Antispandex

    If only those Mexicans would hang in there and try not to starve until that glorious day when Mitt seizes power…I mean is democratically elected, then he can send the rest of the jobs, that we don't have either, to Mexico. Everyone's problem is solved! Oh, and tax cuts.

  • Mitt just looks like da gang-sta in that photo.

  • BloviateMe

    Funny, they made Mitt's brother rock a sweater vest in that picture, but Mittens is way too cool for that shit.

    • Guppy

      I was too distracted by Lenore's soft, fuzzy turtleneck to notice.

    • tessiee

      And although the picture is black and white, somehow you know the sweater vest is beige.

      • BloviateMe

        …and he has 2.5 balls.

        Oh wait, that's the average amt. of children, not testicles.

        Shit, I need to regroup and take another swipe at this.

  • owhatever

    "I want some girls, just like the girls, that married dear ole grandpa."

    • LibertyLover

      I see what you did there. ;-)

  • Terry

    It's curious how many conservatives seem to characterize Mitt Romney's grandparents as missionaries. They were probably spreading the Word when given the opportunity, but they were just plain living in Mexico.

    • SorosBot

      And the family had moved down there to escape anti-polygamy laws in the US.

    • Mormon Splitters, drinkin' ungodly Tequila, per these videos.

    • mille derps

      Isn't "Mormon missionary" somewhat redundant?

  • HempDogbane

    Any word on Nancy Botwin?

    • DrunkIrishman

      I think she's now the Chief of Staff to the First Lady.

  • DrunkIrishman

    Mitt Romney was one ugly kid. I bet he was teased a lot … probably explains a lot, doesn't it?

  • Schmannnity

    If the Romneys are from Chihuahua, how did he end up with an Irish Sitter on the roof of his car?

  • BlueStateLibel

    Who's the little sociopath in the lower left corner of that photo? Looks familiar.

  • VinnyThePooh

    I'm wondering who is the true father of Craig Romney. I think Ann was bent over a different sawhorse when she conceived that black – er, brown – swan.

    • Negropolis

      I don't know. Craig looks like his daddy, to me. It's Ben that doesn't look like Mitt; he only looks like Ann.

  • Callyson

    OT alert–this is hilarious:

    Obama leads Romney among NASCAR fans: Poll

    Hee hee hee…

    • Schmannnity

      Hell hath no fury like a cheap raincoat scorned.

    • He who has the last lap, laps best.

      tee hee, too, also.

      • emmelemm

        I read that as "fap". Possibly also works.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, yes….his misery…it feeds me.

      • tessiee

        Feel the hate, let it flow through you.

  • So, how is it that our divine Mittens was able to grow up to be such a fine young man given a horrible, Socialist, RINO father who would give up decades of his tax returns just because "you people" might question the source of his wealth.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      And, like, march for civil rights and shit. What a disgrace his father was.

  • Redgyal

    I am not watching this anymore. Something new please Wonkette.

    • commiegirl99

      You do know that you don't have to, right?

      • Redgyal

        Don't have to what? Make a comment on a blog with a comment section? Or don't have to like everything Wonkette posts? Either way thanks for letting me express myself. I know how hard that must be.

  • BarackMyWorld
    • Arrggghjhhhh!!! Brings back memories of time at my grandparents on Saturdays.

      The TV would be turned on around 8pm and the question was "Grandpa, what do you want to see" "Errrr….. I guess Welk". Then at 9pm it was time for the Osmunds, I believe.

      • glasspusher

        I would still bang Marie like a screen door.

  • cousinitt

    I thought Mitt pronounces it Meh-hee-Co.

    • tessiee

      That figures; everything else about Mitt is Meh.

  • MonkeyMotion

    Mitt es un…como se dice? pinche cabron. Si.

    • glasspusher

      Para un Norteamericano, no habla mal Español.

  • Caption:

    "Oh Magic Lamp – I am to release HOW MANY years of Income Tax Returns"?????

  • Blueb4sinrise


    Southern Arizona scrambling for Sonora business .

  • Negropolis

    Leave it to Willard.

  • SexySmurf

    After the election, I hope Mittens self-deports himself.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Ah, I see why this is getting deleted.

    Have you guys seen this?

    Speculation that Romney won't release his returns because he took amnesty for having a secret Swiss bank account back in 2009.

    Wealthy U.S. taxpayers, concerned about an Internal Revenue Service crackdown on the use of secret overseas bank accounts as tax havens, are rushing to meet a Thursday deadline to disclose those accounts or face possible criminal prosecution. The concern was [edit this is a t but I can't write that]riggered this summer when Switzerland's largest bank, caught up in an international tax evasion dispute, said it would disclose the names of more than 4,000 of its U.S. account holders.

    The decision shattered a long-held belief that Swiss banks would guard the identities of its American customers as carefully as they did their money, and it raised concern that other international tax havens might be next. Under an amnesty program, the IRS is allowing taxpayers to avoid prosecution for having failed to report their overseas accounts. As a result, tax attorneys across the nation have been besieged by wealthy clients who are lining up to apply even though they will still face big financial penalties.

    • glasspusher

      That would be great. Ha fucking ha. At the rate he's going, I'm sure we'll see clear to give him political amnesty after he loses the election!

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        Fucker can refile 2011 and claim all the charitable donations if he loses.

        Which he will.

    • greenloner

      I wonder who tipped off the Slate writer to this possibility.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It's been suggested here on several occasions. Once it became clear that whatever was in those returns was more politically damaging than the refusal to release them, there really weren't too many options. Tax amnesty was one of the few sufficiently-awful scenarios; the other is flat-out cheating that would be revealed once the media start to dissect the returns.

        My fondest hope is that those hackers really do have Mitt's tax returns in their hands.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And then there's this. Grain of salt, etc., but the writer is real — you can look him up.

  • RaflcaFlkaFlame


    -Rafalca Flocka Flame

  • Negropolis

    You all hear that Paul Ryan is basically begging Libertarians to not vote third party? Yep, they are in trouble.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      I did not hear that and it is fucking hilarious.

  • pinkocommi

    The phrase "Romney colony" has a scarier connotation of an alien invasion than illegal immigration from Mexico ever could.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I wonder. Is this an unpublished manuscript by Michael Crichton?

  • Steverino247

    There's the right way, the wrong way and the pinche guey!

  • tessiee

    I don't think I could take yet another spoiled rich kid preznit speaking Peggy Hill Spanish.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Comme esta l'autobus du fail?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Needz more tacos.

  • iamrrm

    The family appears to be preparing for a mouthful of future Koch.

  • comrad_darkness

    The narrator is like the mildest documentary narrator ever. I kinda like it.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I don't know enough Spanish to use the word "fork" in a sentence, as in: "put a fork in him, he's done"….sorry…

  • ttommyunger

    Why does South Africa come to mind with every episode? How do these exploitive dickwads sleep at night? With his family roots in Mexico, his money in Sweden, his youth spent in France and his business interests in China, why would anyone think Mittens was an American Patriot? Why am I asking you?

  • gullywompr

    "Don't pay any attention to the critics – don't even ignore them."
    ~Samuel Goldwyn

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