Don’t Worry, Republicans, We Have Found These Awesome Made-Up Polls For You

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If you’re a Romney supporter, you likely look with sadness and disdain upon the current state of political polling, which has consistently failed for weeks to show your guy with a lead.  In fact, the last time Mitt Romney had a lead in the RCP average, it was fall. Of 2011.

What to do, then? Well, you unskew the polls, that’s what!

Enter Unskewed Polls, which takes scientifically conducted polls and, with no particular methodology or reasoning, makes them pro-Romney.

Let’s put this in action!

The last Reuters/Ipsos poll showed Obama with a five-point lead over Mitt Romney, 48-43. When UNSKEWED, Romney leads by TEN POINTS! American points! How did this get unskewed? Let’s go to the tape!

Using the parameters of last week’s Reuters/Ipsos poll as a basis for a good estimate since this latest one didn’t release any internal data, the partisan makeup of the sample is believed to be similar and estimated at 52.5 percent Democrats, 37.6 percent Republicans and 9.2 independents among the 2,078 registered voters and 1,437 likely voters surveyed for the poll. The survey clearly under-sampled independent and Republican voters.

Clearly, based on your complete guesswork, the poll must have vastly oversampled blah blah blah, and so is wrong. How, then, to UNSKEW???

The Rasmussen Reports partisan data measured from hundreds of thousands of voters by Rasmussen Reports, which measures the partisan percentages at 37.6 percent Republicans, 33.3 percent Democrats and 29.2 percent independents. The difference means the Reuters/Ipsos poll over-sampled Democratic voters by 19.2 percent and under-sampled independent voters by 20 percent.

…Oh. You just take polling data from a Republican pollster, use it to correct for a skew you completely made up and then guessed at by showing no work, and then use it to convert the poll results into something you like. Never mind that, historically, there have almost always been more registered Democrats than Republicans. Scott Rasmussen has spoken, just like when he totally screwed the pooch in 2010!

Fuck. We thought this was like a magic trick or something, not someone’s D+ algebra project.

[Unskewed Polls]

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145 comments

  1. bumfug

    "When you factor in that we 100% want this shit to be true, the results will look like we want them to and when we lose anyway it'll be due to ACORN and Black Panthers and dead people and immigrants…"

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Yes, that's the #1 problem in this election cycle. Not enough voter intimidation. The more Obama supporters we scare away from voting, the more accurate our polling becomes.

    1. AncienReggie

      We will use this "data" to justify our armed insurrection after the Kenyan Kommie is re"elected" on November 6.

  2. BadKitty904

    "Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it. "

    ~ Elwood P. Dowd

    1. One_Man_Band

      d. NONE OF THE ABOVE!

      It's a trick question, because he's a Kenyan commie socialist muslin nazi, otherwise it is an incomplete answer. You can't leave off all those important details!

  3. Jus_Wonderin

    Really, all poll participants should be 100 percent Republican. Then maybe we see what they really think about Mitt Romney.

      1. zumpie

        Yes. "All my friends are teatards/there are lots of people like me" is evidence enough that EVERYONE must be.

  4. docterry6973

    This is certainly a Brave New World of science. I can now conclusively demonstrate not only that Jesus rode a dinosaur, but that I am riding one right now.

    1. BartStarrland

      His baseball stuff is so-so. But yeah, not starting at 538 to break it down is like not starting with Wonkette for your yuks.

    1. nonbeliever7

      My scale weighs in kilograms since I think I bought it from a jailed drug dealer. So I convert the kg into acres, then torque, then to pounds. The results prove I weigh the same as in college. But I'm a believer in technology, so I use Lotus 1-2-3 to do all the math.

  5. Pithaughn

    Silly sheep. this is part of a dis information campaign. This shit will give them cover when the election is over and they won because of polling machine hacking. See Ohio 2008 for an example. ( this is a completely fact free assertion. Well, they did it first! )

  6. Callyson

    WTF?

    No, seriously, WTF?

    I hate to break this to the tender little hearts of the loyal opposition, but the reason the reality community's polls interview more Democrats than Republicans is because–gasp!–there *are* more Democrats than Republicans. Given what the campaign has been like this year, that's completely understandable…

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        God is infinite.
        Because of recursion and algorithmic set definitions you can define multiple infinities.
        An infinite number of infinities.
        Having more infinities than god is blasphemy.
        Q.E.D. (W.T.F.)

  7. Gorillionaire

    I think that Fox Nooze and the rest of the noise machine should have just pretended that Bush is still president and that he is polling with 112% popularity.

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    Wow. When you feel you have to 'unskew' a Rasmussen pol to show your Republican has the advantage, you are skewed screwd.

  9. DCBloom

    Crazy timing. I just happened on that site a few minutes ago and thought, "WTF is this?"
    Then I thought, hmm, maybe I'll send an email to Wonkette and see if they can make sense, (or snarky fun) of it.

  10. NorthStarSpanx

    Aerodynamics and arithmetic surely aren't their strong suits. (And don't call Mitt Shirley.)

    Wonder how that Akin / Gingrich press conference is going on right now?

  11. Mumbletypeg

    Careful Jesse, what with your high-fallutin' math-y analysis and scientific methodology. If you go confronting number scrunchers with their erroneous ways, they'll have no choice but to admit their willfully obstructive tactics double down on stoopidity production.

  12. gullywompr

    Clearly the overwhelming majority that are voting for Obama is skewing the results. Needz more voter ID sampling.

  13. Callyson

    Rasmussen Reports, which measures the partisan percentages at 37.6 percent Republicans, 33.3 percent Democrats and 29.2 percent independents.

    Measured by what–a magic wand?

    1. sewollef

      I believe the measure they're using is furlongs, multiplied by the drag-coefficient of a tortoise at maximum down-hill velocity, divided by $100 in my back-pocket for every extra percentage point.

      Got it?

  14. EatsBabyDingos

    In further newz, Romney has locked up the batshit ninny vote by over 109%. Must be some political creation science, like Amana Radaranges.

  15. One_who_wanders

    I stumbled across this a couple of days ago and the most humorous part which I can't seem to find now was the part of the site where they were saying that the purpose of the high polling numbers for the president was to provide cover for the extensive anti-Romney riots that would erupt when Rmoney wins.

    1. sewollef

      I can't remember who it was now, but back in the distant past when still in the UK, I remember a Labour Party election candidate complaining to the national press about his low polling numbers, by suggesting that his Tory opponent was, "stirring up apathy around the constituency, and it had to stop".

      Priceless.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Well, if anyone could stir up apathy, it would be Romney. Unless it was that other feller, can't recall his name, started with a P, I think.

  16. MacRaith

    This is too funny. As an example of how the mainstream media is in the tank for Obama, "Unskewed Polls" gives us the following: "The Media Research Center recently documented that Romney got 86 percent negative coverage during his trip to England, Israel and Poland last week."

    Yeah, of course that's media bias. The fact that Romney's performance on that trip was an unmitigated disaster has nothing to do with it.

    I say again: Welcome to Fantasy Island!

  17. FakaktaSouth

    All I know is that my tracker boyfriend Nate Silvers said Obama 70-30 this weekend, which is all I have ever said would be the outcome ever ever ever. And I like those numbers, so in the spirit of Republican fuckery-nonsense-knowledge, I will believe what I want and run with it.

    1. Guppy

      That's Obama's chance of winning; you have to scroll down a bit to see what Nate thinks the election results will actually look like (currently about a 3 point spread).

      1. FakaktaSouth

        HMM THAT sounds like FACTS. Nope, don't want none of that – I SAID I was going all Republitard here, so, no.

  18. kittensdontlie

    Another way to unskew a polling, is to call people only on a landline phones. Who uses landlines? Oldsters, who tend to be more conservative about things. That's how Rasmussen polls.

  19. KeepFnThatChicken

    Frankly, I think the Republicans settled on a weak candidate, because none of their really good guns wanted to go against the blah.

    "Let the Mormon kid in there. He can't win in an incumbent black guy's year, anyway."

  20. RRoccoco

    More proof that there are aliens from an alternate universe among us, where trickle down economics work, white makes might makes right, job creators actually create jobs before padding their bank accounts, and New Gingrich is Moon Governor For Life!Someone tell NASA to stop wasting money looking for Martians. It's hardly an accident that Unskewed Polls is an anagram for Pukes Doll News!

  21. SorosBot

    Elsewhere, I have seen a new talking point among right-wing trolls is to claim that all the polls are "oversampling" Democratic voters, and so really Romney is winning. I wonder whether this site is the result of that bullshit, or the source of that mean.

    Either way, no you idiots, the reason why these polls count more registered Democrats than Republicans is that there are more registered Democrats than Republicans.

    But it is nice, after all the actual harm caused by right-wing ignoring of facts regarding climate change, evolution, and the combination of the existence of imaginary weapons of mass destruction and the ease and necessary logistics for invading and occupying another country to deal with the Presidents' daddy issues, to see a case where their willful denialism will only harm themselves.

  22. Goonemeritus

    Muammar Gaddafi had a similar polling methodology, I’m sure his excellent approval ratings were a great comfort to him as they beat him to death.

  23. sudsmckenzie

    So that's what Bay Buchanan was yammering about this morning. You know your campaign is fucked when you say to yourself "John Sununu is unhinged, lets send in a Buchanan as the calm voice of reason."

  24. Not_So_Much

    I'm cool with them being completely misinformed about their standing as we head into the election vortex.

  25. fartknocker

    The website looks like it was prepared using HTML for Dummies. Let me summarize: ROMNEY, ROMNEY, RYAN and then a web page on how to improve your credit score.

  26. EBGrey

    This is reminiscent of when the DEMS jabbered on about pixel counts and photoshop all in an effort to deny the fact that Rep. Anthony Weiner tweeted a pic of his dong.

    1. Guppy

      ZOMG, you're totally right! Both sides really do do it! You've just changed my entire worldview! My life to this point has been naught but a lie!

      Thank you for helping me to see the light!

  27. MadBrahms

    I have always been a fan of the Gentleman's F, but there is no way this earns a D+. This is basically handing in a creative writing assignment as your statistics project.

  28. cassamandra

    I love you, but you can improve on this by not repeating their mistake of confusing voter registration with party self-ID in polls. Darlings.

  29. thefrontpage

    According to TheFrontPage Polling Company, the world's most reliable, scientifically-accurate, politically-accurate, culturally-accurate, academically-accurate polling company, according to 498,669 people polled in every state and territory in the United States, an overwhelming majority, 98.9 percent, of those polled, stated that Unskewed Polls' employees are a bunch of biased assholes.

  30. Dashboard Buddha

    Polls schmolls…what I wanna know is if the unskewed polls are right and Rmoney wins, how do we get unscrewed?

  31. Tundra Grifter

    Quite happily for these idiots (Unskewed but Still Screwed) Intrade is running 70 – 30 for Mr. Obama.

    They can bet the ranch on (r)Money!

  32. GemlikeFlame

    You know, normalizing for poll bias is generally done with error bands. This would make sense if the normalization were done with some other unrelated instrument except for the fact that it is at odds with accepted voter demographics and it uses Rasmussen Reports, who are known for a bit of the old slop in cypherin' and statistical interpretatin' department themselves.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rasmussen_Reports

    So I say the Gemlike Flame Polling organization finds that there are only two registered Republicans on the north American continent, and one of them is hiding out in Cancun till that little tax issue dies down.

    Normalize that.

  33. DocChaos

    The best part is these clowns take Rasmussen's made-up party I.D. numbers ( they can't be from raw data, as Ras uses them to adjust the raw data), and apply them to other polls to get numbers far more favorable to Romney than even Rasmussen has.

    Currently , Rasmussen has Obama up by 1, so they must be part of the liberal polling conspiracy as well. Time to start adjusting poll numbers by measuring the number of Obama yard signs in your neighborhood as compared to what you remember from four years ago. Foolproof.

  34. owhatever

    If you like MITT, call 1-800-123123. If you prefer the annointed one, nobama, you can call, but our lines are full.

  35. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    None of the polling matters, because they Repubs have just disenfranchised all the Poors and Coloreds so they're not going to get to vote anyway

  36. Gleem McShineys

    "The difference means the Reuters/Ipsos poll over-sampled Democratic voters by 19.2 percent and under-sampled independent voters by 20 percent."

    Looks like someone finally figured out how to open the windows on the Arithmetoplane!

  37. arduinohacker

    Just to show how on top of things they are, their sister site "Romney2012" headlines "the latest news". The newest posting is July 1,2012.

  38. Amanwithnoplan

    Check out the racist image on the link: Obama as Urkel. They picked the only black person (note: NOT a real person) they could connect with.

    Now that's racial.

  39. iamrrm

    Rmoney is winning !!1! A full 50% of the folks who would vote for him could stay home on election day and he would still win in a landslide. Pass it along.

  40. JaceWyatt

    The only thing that matters to the Republicans is that someone in PA with a bible in his lap and shotgun in hand believes this is true.

  41. lulzmonger

    Huh, whaddaya know … a similar UNSKEWING of the 2012 electoral college projections (which seem to concur that Willard is focusing like a laser on getting crushed by Obama even worse than Johnny Wet-Start was in 2008) does not appear to be available on unskwedpolls.com for some reason.

    IT IS A MYSTERY.

  42. Negropolis

    BTW, just so everyone knows, both Gallup and Rasmussen oversample Republicans. You can tack on an additional nearly five points for each when you read them.

  43. ttommyunger

    Try to imagine the cat-ladies and wheelchair-bound olds responding to pollsters. I'm an old and retired and I don't have time to fuck with some dickwad pollster. If all poll responders were assembled together, how long would it take for the chant: "One of Us" to break out?

Comments are closed.