my bacon doesn't have enough meat on it

The Obama Dystopia: Kids Complain About School Lunch For First Time Ever

michelle obama smacked the tray out of this child's hands five seconds later

The Daily Caller (excuse me, the DAILY CALLER NEWS FOUNDATION wtf) has an exclusive breaking expose: high schoolers are whiny about things.

Children and parents across the country are fed up with the restrictive new school meal regulations implemented by the Department of Agriculture under the “Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010,” which has long been touted by first lady Michelle Obama.

[...]

“This year, we’ll be hungry by 2:00,” one student, Zach Eck, told KAKETV in Kansas. “We would eat our pencils at school if they had nutritional value.”

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Um, child, of course you would tell KAKETV you want more food, it’s a TV station made of kake. I would tell BEERTV I want to get schwasted after work (during work), too. But let’s look at what these kids are doing to “protest,” courtesy of KAKETV’s new show, What Shit Do You Shove In Your Face?

Students at a local school are staging a lunch protest by bringing their own food. After a small beginning, the effort has snowballed into about half of the entire school. The students are ‘brown-bagging’ it in protest against new national school lunch guidelines.

Hahahaha, no, really, what? Kids don’t like school lunch…so they bring their own lunch? That’s how school lunch works and has always worked. I mean, for fuck’s sake, people. #OccupyBrownBags

The new lunch standards have led to the removal of some old food favorites, including a particularly popular item at one school in upstate New York: chicken nuggets.

“Now they’re kind of forcing all the students to get the vegetables and fruit with their lunch, and they took out chicken nuggets this year, which I’m not too happy about,” Chris Cimino, a senior at Mohonasen High School in upstate New York, told the Associated Press, which gave the rules a “mixed grade.”

BREAKING: kids discover they really like chicken nuggets; cannot always have them. Everyone loves chicken nuggets! Put a plate of chicken nuggets in front of a room full of vegans, and when you come back in, at least two will be gone. They’re irresistible. (It helps if you leave the vegans in there for at least a couple of days, though.) When I have a child, I fully expect his or her first sentence to be, “I would like some chicken nuggets, daddy.” My fat, heavy-breathing child will be goddamn polite.

So, the main problem these precious flowers have is that the lunches are too small (the lunches have calorie caps, which top out at 850 calories for high schoolers; that equals about 18 Chicken McNuggets, or a double Quarter Pounder with cheese plus some fries). When Your Wonkette writer was in high school, lunch often consisted of a bacon cheeseburger and curly fries dipped in nacho cheese, and we still complained that was too small. The problem is likely not that school lunches are too small; it is that teenagers nowadays, like teenagers in every day that’s ever existed, are greedy, whiny little fuckers who we love dearly both because they are the future of the race and because they’re gonna be eighteen soon and totally legal.

Shame on you, Michelle Obama, for making kids with the means and choice to bring their own meals to school do so because they don’t like school lunch. This is the most shameful government intrusion into a government program since we stopped being able to masturbate in line at the DMV.

[Daily Caller News Foundation]

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165 comments

    1. MadBrahms

      It's cherry flavored, so under the old rules they could count it as "fruit" alongside ketchup the vegetable.

    2. Guppy

      Either that's the female variety of condom, or that "measurement" issue we read about recently is entirely wrong.

  1. randcoolcatdaddy

    "We would eat our pencils at school if they had nutritional value.”

    During the Nixon administration we did. We had weekly rations of pencils and no condiments to make them palatable. They would lets us suck on sticks of chalk as a special treat.

    In fact, we looked forward to eating those pencils after our ten mile walk to school in the snow.

    Damn kids …

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I remember chewing down some pencils in 10th grade English; with that Shelly Mason and her tight jeans and tight sweater constantly squirming and writhing in the desk in front of me.

      Did not learn a damn thing in class; could not concentrate.

  2. Hera Sent Me

    Rightwingers already raise hell if schools teach kids about sex, or real science, or actual history, or how some of their classmates are gay and get over it already. And now schools teaching nutrition, and reinforcing it in the cafeteria, is also too much?

    What can we teach kids without being accused of corrupting or oppressing them? How to identity corporate logos?

  3. Oblios_Cap

    The problem is likely not that school lunches are too small; it is that teenagers nowadays, like teenagers in every day that’s ever existed, are greedy, whiny little fuckers.

    I blame Jesus.

    1. MadBrahms

      After he gave out loaves and fishes, all the teenagers were like "Whoa, what the fuck is this? Whole grain?"

  4. SorosBot

    That still sounds better than the cardboard covered with semi-melted rubber that my grade school claimed was pizza.

    1. poorgradstudent

      I do miss the strawberry milk, which I swear I haven't been able to find anywhere else. It haunts me…

  5. TavariousChinaSmith

    Here's a tip from the future, kids. When you hit 40, you might actually be glad that you weren't allowed to shove unlimited carbs into your food-hole when you were in high school.

    1. MadBrahms

      This may be a democratic Trojan horse: get them all doughy and then sneak universal healthcare through in 20 years when they all clamor for their insulin. Mmm, yes, the long game…

    1. fartknocker

      True story: once a month my school served Frito Chili Pie. Say what you want about corporate branding, I'm still a fan of this meal.

    2. cheetojeebus

      Horrible runny peanut butter sandwichs with mollasses on the whitest fucking bread ever made. in a "temporary" building built during the 30s . Some kids would choose a whole tray of biscuits covered in white gravy. Ahhh Texas in the 60s.

  6. memzilla

    So let me get this straight:

    Gummint telling people what they can do with their vaginas, GOOD.
    Gummint telling people what they can do with their stomachs, BAD.

    Okay, then.

    1. eaglewon

      the gummit telling kids to eat healthy lunches will still allow them the freedom to bring their own lunches if they want.
      but the gummit preventing women from having abortions does not allow them the freedom to go ahead and have one if they want.

      okay, then?

  7. fawkedifiknow

    I would place those sniveling little shits squarely within the 47%: Victims who will never accept any personal responsibility to not get as fucking fat as Rush Limbaugh.

    1. eaglewon

      they can always go to mcdonalds after class, dipsh#t. Do yourself a favor and do a 180 with that pistol, ok, now pull.

  8. Terry

    "“Now they’re kind of forcing all the students to get the vegetables and fruit with their lunch, and they took out chicken nuggets this year, which I’m not too happy about,” Chris Cimino, a senior at Mohonasen High School in upstate New York, told the Associated Press, which gave the rules a “mixed grade.”"

    OMG, the horror! Ask the kids what they think about homework and having to study.

  9. EatsBabyDingos

    Well, if the little janitors worked harder, they could have Vienna Sausages once a week, or maybe sneak into the Biology lab for a fetal pig roast.

  10. freakishlywrong

    These fat, whiny fucks wouldn't know real hunger if it bit them on the neck. Suck it up, assholes, have your fourth meal at home.

    1. kittensdontlie

      These ingrates are feasting courtesy of my property tax dollars, and they are going to eat what is put in front of them.

  11. hagajim

    Curly fries with nacho cheese…the Wonkette had it good. My lunch was usually Nacho Cheese Doritos and a Pepsi, and that was before the Doritos came in the 48 oz. size..

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Actually, they can be. My wife bought some frozen vegetarian 'chicken' nuggets a couple months ago. They weren't horrible; just not as good as the original chicken-fat enhanced product.

    1. eaglewon

      when I was a kid everyone was thin, we had only one fat girl in our class, now days you're lucky to find one skinny kid in class.

  12. Incitefully_Joe

    Hahahaha, no, really, what? Kids don’t like school lunch…so they bring their own lunch? That’s how school lunch works and has always worked. I mean, for fuck’s sake, people.

    I was going to make a comment, but this really summed up everything I could think to say on this matter.

    1. Pithaughn

      Or, or , they could work in the school cafeteria at lunch washing dishes or what have you ( as Pith and his homeys did ) and scarf down all the leftovers to your hearts desire! When you swim upwards of 7 miles a day one will do just about anything for second breakfast, second lunch and second dinner. 5 squares a day and we still turned heads in our speedos.

  13. Jus_Wonderin

    OT: sorta. Mom used to drop me and my little brother off at school at 6:30 AM. Then, we'd wait til 5:30 PM for her to pick us up. I am not sure I ever complained to my hardworking widowed Mom that I didn't get enough to eat at lunch.

  14. SorosBot

    "Now they’re kind of forcing all the students to get the vegetables and fruit with their lunch"

    Who is paying for those school lunches again?

  15. OneDollarJuana

    When I was a kid, we got navy bean soup, which we universally dumped in the trash until they stopped serving it.

    When my dad was a kid, they got butter pats, which they blew onto the ceiling with their straws so that on the warmer days it dripped onto the unsuspecting.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      If we ate everything on our tray, the Lunch Lady, Mrs. Poole, would give us as much red beans and rice as we wanted. She made the BEST red beans and rice.

  16. zumpie

    Maybe they'd be happier with Soylent Green???

    That said, I haz confused…haven't the wingnuts for years bitched about how dare districts try to get more $$$ to fund school lunch programs, how one can easily and cheaply (which is true) make lunch at home for your kid, how this is welfare entitlement, etc…

    But now that the lunches are a way for Kenyan Muslin Usurpers to mind control our kids, well….all bets are OFF!!!

  17. Toomush_Infer

    We pretty much hated school lunch in the 50's, the 60's – it tasted like shit burgers, except that there were never any burgers and lots of reconstituted potatoes….I believe I remember a sit-down strike at some point in the 60's- resulting in nothing….

    1. eaglewon

      wow, you went to a crappy school, we had hot meals every day, tasty main courses, sides of veggies, milk or juice, fruit, and the best tasting butter shortbread cookies on the planet. Everyone had to buy an extra cookie to take home, they were so good. This was an average middle class school in oklahoma. Friday was fast day, burgers, or hotdogs, chips, chili, corn on the cob, fries, stuff like that.

  18. Weenus299

    Shit. In the Reagan administration I was given a chicken-patty sandwich, a teeny tiny small bag of crinkle-cut fries, and that was it.By contrast, I visit my son's and daughter's school cafeteria regularly, and holy shit, the food available — salad, fruit and vegetables in addition to baked meats and such — is amazing. They eat better than I do.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      That's generally my take too, although my son still finds ways to make it less healthy (eating extra mainly). What makes me sad, though, is all the kids I see eating nothing but crap for lunch – I'm talking about kids with two large bottles of soda and chips, and nothing else. My son's school is both a technical magnate (why we are sending him – it isn't great, but better than going to an "academic" school where he'll get lost and hate it) and an inner city school, and the local kids break my heart (and scare me a little). You could totally set an uplifting "Stand by Me" type movie there, if you ever found a good story to tell.

    2. poorgradstudent

      I went to school during the Reagan/Bush I era too and I still have flashbacks to how nasty the pizza was. It was like something that had been reheated four times in a row (and probably was).

      1. viennawoods13

        In the school in which I teach, 20 years ago the hamburgers were all cooked at 9 am, then kept warm til 11:30. Ugh. Here in Ontario we've had healthy menus mandated- but we also have a 2 pizza joints, one at either end right across the street, and 2 burger places out in front. So the kids are voting with their feet.

  19. Goonemeritus

    I hear North Korean students are complaining about their lunches as well. Is this a typical problem in all tyrannical communist dictatorships?

  20. Oblios_Cap

    There's no such thing as a free lunch, kiddies.

    Being an Oldz, I miss the old days when our parents used to beat us. Now I know why they did.

  21. calliecallie

    "The problem is likely not that school lunches are too small; it is that teenagers nowadays, like teenagers in every day that’s ever existed, are greedy, whiny little fuckers who we love dearly both because they are the future of the race and because they’re gonna be…"

    out of the house in a few years.

    And probably the meals ARE too small. My son is 16 and honest to God I cannot keep him fed. He eats about six meals a day, almost all of them after school. He drinks easily a half gallon of milk a day. And between water polo and basketball and walking to school, he is not even close to obese. Take that MIchelle Obama!

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      If water polo, basketball and walking to school were required courses, most kids could eat like yours and stay fit.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Haven't had a daughter that we really didn't need to discipline much I was never able to use the old standard "This is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you". Uh, yeah, sure Dad.

    2. bikerlaureate

      I am so sick of this unprecedented nanny-state soshulism fascism taking over every aspect of our lives.

    3. viennawoods13

      When my older son missed the bus, it was NEVER his fault, oh no! Why couldn't the bus accommodate itself to his schedule?

  22. Gorillionaire

    When I worked in a hospital, the youngish adults in the substance abuse ward complained about the food the exact same way. Can't even tell you how many times I heard the words "oh man I hate vegetables!". Of course we are talking about people who would shoot concrete mix into their veins if they thought they could get high on it for three minutes.

  23. iburl

    So, their main complaint seems to be that the food served is in insufficient quantities, and not, as in my youth, that it is disgusting and inedible… progress!!

    I'm supposed to eat breakfast this week at my kid's elementary school and "not enough" is not my main concern.

  24. FakaktaSouth

    Here in Fatabama, the kids can get all kinds of stuff to go with their lunch, not as PART of it, but just, you know, on the counter if you got the cash in your lunch account. I had a mom actually tell me it was the school lunches making her son fat, but I mean, that didn't mean she was gonna start DOING anything about it, like making his lunch or not letting him also eat the entire pantry after school – who doesn't love a beautiful scapegoat?

  25. Wadisay

    Mitt Romney used to bring his own pate and an exquisite roquefort to Deerfield. When he "had a little Mexican", it was his laundress.

  26. LibertyLover

    Put a plate of chicken nuggets in front of a room full of vegans, and when you come back in, at least two will be gone.

    Two nuggets? Or Two vegans? Will the other vegans have eaten the two unlucky vegans? Or will the two vegans have just left the room on their own in search of some sustenance after being forced to look at a plate of chicken nuggets or because boredom?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

  27. Mittens Howell, III

    Stop it!

    These children have it easy, in our elite private school we were served lobster thermidore, polenta with veal stock and caviar, and a small platter of fine chocolate truffles hand-rolled by poor people.

    If we didn't eat everything on our plate (or bribe the cafeteria peasants) we weren't allowed to go on the field trip to the country club that week.

    Signed, Ann.

  28. GregComlish

    Incredible: The President of the blessed United States of the America is helping high school boys everywhere by keeping young bodies tighter, asses firmer, faces clearer, and the only thing that Republican losers like Chris Cimino and Zach Eck can do is lament losing out on mechanically separated chicken. For Godsakes, grow a dick!

  29. valthemus

    It had always been my understanding that if you put 100 monkeys in front of 100 typewriters they would eventually bang out a copy of Hamlet. Are Daily Caller articles some kind of intermediate step on the way to a finished play?

    1. docterry6973

      If you play Fox News in the background, monkees start pounding out Daily Caller articles after the first hour or two.

  30. Peckerwood_Pete

    I still crave the tater tots from my high school cafeteria… that and the Mexican style pizza…. god knows what either were made out of…. but what I wouldn't give to eat that processed shit again!

  31. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    “This year, we’ll be hungry by 2:00,” one student, Zach Eck, told KAKETV in Kansas.

    This describes me every day of my fucking life since forever. That's why string cheese was invented.

    1. SpeedoFart

      Seriously, try being 8½ months pregnant. I'd be thrilled to only be hungry at 2, as opposed to noon, 1, 1:15, 1:25, 1:31…

      1. viennawoods13

        My husband and I were strolling through the mall when I was several months pregnant. "I'm hungry," I say
        "Okay," he says, "We'll go to the food court in a while."
        He learned his lesson. When a pregnant woman says she's hungry, you go NOW!!

  32. Allmighty_Manos

    I dropped out of school when they told me I couldn't pack Old Ides in my lunchbox anymore. I blame the USDA for my fate.

  33. Guppy

    “This year, we’ll be hungry by 2:00,”

    Which, as I recall, is about the time they get out of school anyway.

    But, of course, if you're really left that hungry, perhaps you should be eating breakfast at school as well…

  34. a_pink_poodle

    Children not understanding the long term benefits of vegetables in a healthy diet, let alone the long term benefits of anything? This is completely unprecedented!

  35. GregComlish

    Seriously, you think anybody from the Government ever did anything to increase the supply of available quality pussy when I was in high school? Fucking ingrates. The only thing I ever got from Federal Government in my high school was bullshit Abstinance Only "sex education". Which is, when you think about it, basically a Federally-funded Cockblock with the explicit goal of preventing high school girls from sleeping with you by manufacturing shame.

    And these kids have the gall to complain about fresh fruits and vegetables? Fine, have all the shitty chicken you want. You can shove that disgusting, extruded, hormone-injected, estrogren rich garbage right up your ass for all I care. But if you ever make another move to compromise the American Pussy Supply again, I will beat your dickless body with a lead pipe.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I suppose I was lucky. I grew up in Vegas in the 70's. Pussy was everywhere 24/7.
      They served pussy in our cafeteria. Every time I took my dick out to pee, there was a pussy waiting to devour it. I'm sure there was a good reason for why I left but it escapes me now.

  36. DahBoner

    1982: Let them eat ketchup.

    2012: Let them eat organic vegetables fresh from Michelle's garden.

    Are you better off now than under a brain-dead Zombie Republican???

  37. Naked_Bunny

    Students at a local school are staging a lunch protest by bringing their own food.

    Wow! Who knew my old Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox was a political statement?

  38. MacRaith

    It's true. My son never complained about his school lunch when George W. Bush was president!

    (My son is currently in second grade, BTW.)

  39. docterry6973

    I think the little darlings need more shepherd's pie, because I got plenty of that in my school lunches and it stuck to your ribs like nobody's business. You got bursts of flavor for hours after, as a reminder. We also got square chunks of surplus peanut butter, about the size of a deck of cards and sprinkled with powdered sugar. I would pay to snarf down one of those again. The shepherd's pie, not so much.

  40. pdiddycornchips

    Just you wait until after this election. When Mitt wins, every skool will serve nothing but Chick a Fil nuggets, Tater Tots and deep fried Twinkies. Our children will finally know the meaning of true freedom. I for one dream of the day when our children leave grade school the size of Rush Limbaugh and as intelligent as Ross Douthat.

  41. JohnnyQuick

    Ahem, I know some people at the Daily Caller. All they would have to do is donate some of their excessive calories to these starving children.

    But then the Daily Caller staffers might live longer! It's a conundrum.

  42. eaglewon

    students pay for their own lunches, only 7 percent eat free. And since the government runs the schools they get to decide what's on the menu. Don't like it, then bring your own lunch. Get it?

    1. SorosBot

      Yeah, that was my point; the government provides the lunches, they get to decide what's in them. It's called sarcasm.

  43. poorgradstudent

    Maybe their next expose can be about how nerdy kids hate gym and see it as a brutal fascist invention.

    1. SorosBot

      As if the schools have gym anymore! Or art or music classes; god the gutting of our education budgets to pay for tax cuts for the rich sucks. Thanks, Reagan and Bush!

  44. AnnieB346

    This is not at all funny for school cafeteria managers and their workers. Government subsidies – both financial and in the form of food – only make up half the average school cafeteria's budget. Because of cuts in funding, most cafeterias are not accounted for in a district's general budget. In other words, the cafeteria system is expected to pay for itself. If the cafeteria doesn't break even, cafeteria workers lose their jobs. SO, a drop in the number of students buying lunch is a BFD for cafeteria managers. It's easy to joke about a situation, but very difficult to find a solution that works for everybody.

  45. SpeedoFart

    As an upstate New Yorker, I can confirm that the kids at Mohonasen are indeed entitled, whiny, privileged little suburban shits who wouldn't know "want" or "hunger" if it bit them on the asshole.

  46. Jerri

    Puh-to-the-leeeze, babies. When I was in school, the Food Court model was just starting up in our district, so we had stations (no brand names) for food and it was all terrible. For vegetarian options, if you didn't have the iceberg lettuce salad and bland, freezing cold vegetables from the salad bar, you could have cheese pizza (tasted like hot cardboard with grease on top), or mashed potatoes (tasted like lukewarm, squishy, potato flavored goop.)

    In short, suck it up, children.

    Also are these precious snowflakes complaining about a lunch that caps out at 850 calories? Because that seems like a lot to me.

  47. thefrontpage

    My children, Kaitleighn, Britttenniegh, and Taighlehr (pronounced Taylor), attend Herbert Hoover Junior High School in Gaithersburg, Md., and this is the school lunch menu for this week:

    Monday: Chicken fingers, french fries, apple crisps, salad, milk. Brownie dessert.

    Tuesday: Chicken stew, mashed pototoes, apple pie, garden salad, milk. Fudge dessert.

    Wednesday: Chicken soup, pototo latkes, apple-cinnamon tart, Ceasar salad, milk. Brownie-fudge cookie dessert.

    Thursday: Chicken pot pie, fried-grease potato slices, apple-cinnamon pastry, Roman salad, milk. Chocolate surprise dessert.

    Friday: Chicken sandwiches, potato stew, applesauce, Mixed greens salad, milk. Chocolate-brownie fudge sticks dessert.

    # # #

  48. banana_bread

    You're not kidding about chicken nuggets. My five-year-old is obsessed with chicken nuggets. Hell, she will eat anything if I can convince her it's some sort of nugget.

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