Happily No Small Animals Were Killed

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it:

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

…said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Mr. Cain also explained that the recent flap over Romney’s “47 percent” coments was a “non-story,” presumably because 47 is a really boring number that can’t be chanted and is not a homophone for anything in German. He believes the story of Romney calling half of Americans irresponsible moochers has simply been blown out of proportion by the media, and added that he looks forward to becoming a member of the media when he replaces screaming madman Neal Boortz on radio.

Cain also said that he would not be interested in a cabinet position with a possible Romney administration because even though he has a rich fantasy life, he’s not completely divorced from reality just yet.

In his speech to 300 college students, part of his “College Truth Tour,” Cain repeated what has become his favorite tag line, “Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back.”

Mr. Cain then reportedly expressed satisfaction at winning the 2012 Dunning-Kruger Achievement Prize.

[Gainesville Sun]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. Mumbletypeg

      I am remembering with delight the whole uncovering of the SimCity 4 connection to his 9-9-9 plan.. but had completely missed the bit Dok linked above about the Pokemon song he quoted lyrics from, insisting they were inspired poetic verse instead..

  1. bumfug

    The fact that anyone ever took this clown seriously just proves that nothing is too outlandish to happen in America.

    1. MaxUdargo

      Sneer all you want, but the truth is that if Herman Cain were president we wouldn't be seeing all this anti-American unrest in Ubekibekibekistanstan.

          1. Boojum

            Wait. Are you saying that's not a real place? I've BEEN there.

            The palace guards, in their lime green uniforms; the little children, dressed in rags of silk and cashmere; the brave resistance, dressed in their Keffiyeh and beards, smelling like brave resistance. Are you saying it was all a DREAM???

      1. Tequila Mockingbird

        If God dwells inside of us, like some people say, then I sure hope he likes enchiladas, 'cause that's what he's getting!

        1. PsycWench

          I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa, not terrified and screaming like the passengers in his car.

          1. Doktor Zoom

            When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

          2. SorosBot

            Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

        1. finallyhappy

          Many, many years ago, Richard Harris was on the Charlie Rose show(when it was in DC) and I got him to sign that album(that is a big piece of plastic in a cardboard cover)

  2. sbj1964

    Mitt is so used to getting everything he wants.But he and his pal's are going to find out America is not for sale.

        1. miss_grundy

          Yes, because Ann Rmoney is now whining because it is SO HARD to be her and you, people (sniff, sniff), just won't leave her man alone…..

  3. Boojum

    47 is not evenly divisible by 9 nor 999 by 47, therefore QED. And the stupid people we need to take America back from are the same smart people who will never support Republicans!

    I think he meant "Derp Thoughts".

    1. MittBorg

      But not for long because all the neighbourhood scamps will be trying to get it down. Burp.

      Chicago deep-dish, and it was delish, thanks for asking.

    2. MosesInvests

      Oh, Lawdy, can you imagine Teabagger heads exploding if Spermin' Cain had gotten the nomination and they had pick one of two blah guys for POTUS?

  4. DrunkIrishman

    As bad as Mitt Romney has been … as awful as it's looking for his campaign … remember, he was still the best of the Retardican bunch.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Of all the dozy cunts in the field, Mitt was the only one who I genuinely thought could win an election.

      Haha! How wrong I was. He's mad as a hatter and utterly out-of-touch and unlikeable.


    2. Wadisay

      Talking to a friend yesterday, I listed the Repub debaters who weren't crazy. I got maybe Huntsman and Pawlenty. I thought Mitt was sane (if utterly disagreeable) at the time, but it turned out I was wrong.

      1. anniegetyerfun

        Ah, Hunstman. The only one of the group smart enough to actually not say stupid shit CONSTANTLY. Of course, he had the nerve to say things that were occasionally true, and also, he clearly didn't hate furriners enough.

        1. Negropolis

          Well, near the end when he sensed he was losing, he did delve into the crazy when he said that the EPA was "terrorizing" America. I'll hold out some respect for him if he has the balls to quit the party. He doesn't have to become a Democrat, because ideologically, he's not there. But, he just has to quit the GOP.

  5. coolhandnuke

    There is more depth in the puddled grease on a pepperoni slice in a pizza than the muddled greasy, sleazy, obtuse thing known as Herman Cain

    1. TootsStansbury

      That leer. When it was in heavy rotation on our Wonkette it creeped me out so bad I had to check under my bed at night before I could even think of going to sleep.

      1. miss_grundy

        You won't have time to miss her because Roger Ailes will probably sign her up after they dump Snowbilly…

  6. PsycWench

    “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

    Sadly most of the electorate wants ideas that can easily be expressed on bumper stickers. Not that I think Herman Cain was in any danger there.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Make sure you do a flying jump jet dildo strike at least once.

      Alternately, you can get the achivement for :
      Stay Classy Steelport10
      Kill 25 Gang Members each with 'the Penetrator' AND the Fart in a Jar.

  7. ThankYouJeebus

    Perry was just in the news with his latest prayer plan. TPaw just made news by jumping ship. And here's Herman with his deep thoughts. Michele and Newtie headlines can't be far behind.

    Maybe Mitt planned it all to remind his base what their other options were.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      Have you seen his ads? The sky looks like a dystopian future where "clean coal" has destroyed the ecosystem.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Well, recently they were trending towards orange, as the makeup artist couldn't decide between red and yellow.

  8. sbj1964

    Herman says he would a better choice than Mittens.I have a potted plant that would poll higher than Herman,or Mittens.And the potted plant has a higher IQ than your average GOP candidate

    1. Lot_49

      People who go to Harvard (that is, Mitt, Chimpy, etc.) are supposed to be smarter than all the rest of us. What if it's not true?

      1. sbj1964

        As my favorite Looney Toon would say about Mitt."I say the boy is book smart,but he lacks common sense." Foghorn Leghorn.

      2. miss_grundy

        Not if you're a legacy. After all, Dubya attended an Ivy League university and look what he did with his eight years…

        1. Spurning Beer

          Right. There has always been a cadre of "legacy" students at Ivy League schools who get in and pass because of, let's say, non-academic factors. And I'm not talking about sports.

          Of course, if you ask Conservative Americans, the Ivies are filled with undeserving Affirmative Action dullards who take slots away from their own well-rounded kids, who were on their prep school golf or sailing team.

  9. Pragmatist2

    To be fair, he said "some depth" not "much depth" or "real depth" or anything like that.
    I'll give him a nanometer of depth and he can look that up in his Funk & Wagnall's.

  10. calliecallie

    Think how much more fun this election season would be if Herman Cain were the Republican candidate.

    Wait, could it be more fun?

  11. Callyson

    "there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas"

    That's true: I know *my* Chihuahua likes to bark every time one of the Republicans says something on the news.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Cool, I didn't know someone thought of that 4 years before I did (as is the case with most of my ideas)! That is such a great song. Have you heard the original stage soundtrack? Was it less Disco-ey? (Nothing wrong with Disco-ey, btw)

      1. Callyson

        I've never heard the original stage soundtrack so I don't know if it has a disco sound or not, but I'll bet it's good. And I hope you'll be able to do your version of this track on Election Day…

  12. Pap Finn

    It's been happening for so long now that I occasionally lose perspective on the depths to which the Republicans have sunk. The slow normalization of the contemptible, clownish, shit-flinging idiocy that they continue to peddle as a governing philosophy is a more subtle thing than I would have guessed. Really, it's staggering if you stop and think about where they are now.

    Not that it began with her, but for Christ's sake, Palin. Then, sub-moronic droolers Cain, Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, and Gingrich all took their turns at leading in the primaries this year. Now we look on with equal measures of glee and horror as Willard runs the most comically inept campaign of our lifetimes.

    And all of that was preceded by 8 years of…fucking…Bush.

    Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers (oh, yeah: half the electorate are cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers. Never mind.).

    It's really galling that we have to fear them, though, isn't it?

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Jared Diamond, in Collapse, and referring to climate change's effects and how we come thing this is how things have always been, called it "normality creep." In the Republicans' case it's heavy on the creep, light on the normality.

    2. Boojum

      People laughed at Reagan for being a boneheaded actor, which he was, but he is Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson compared to the modern day crop. Is it the lead paint? The PCB's or CFC's? Or were they always there, like cicadas, waiting for their time?

      1. miss_grundy

        Yes, he works for the cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nosepickers, who have mocked him, and called him every ugly, racist name in the book and the deal is, he has done more for this group then they will ever acknowledge. Because if they had to acknowledge that this man doesn't see them as contemptible, unlike Rmoney, their heads would explode. Just look at the Affordable Health Care Act, it helps them, but they will never be grateful.

      2. IndianaKevin

        Yes, Chet, in the mythical land of America, that is true. But this is the other America, where presidents do 180-degree turns from their campaign promises after taking office, where journalists report inaccurately, incompletely and unobjectively and where torture is not an obscenity but a patriotic duty.

    3. tessiee

      "Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers"

      Because they own the voting machines.

  13. MacRaith

    Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states. And nobody has ever heard of Sarah Palin.

    Damn these antipsychotic drugs that keep me grounded in the real world. Fantasy is so much more fun.

    1. tessiee

      "Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states."

      I almost wish it were a Cain vs. Obama race, if for no other reason than how much it would piss off the racists.
      also because Cain is a buffoon.

  14. LibertyLover

    I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue that they would care to discuss…they both suffer from delusions of grandeur.

      1. compound_i

        "Logorrhea" as Studs Terkel would say, while derisively referring to the Gluttons Of Privilege as "swells."

    1. tessiee

      "I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue"

      Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
      Cain: Blow jobs!
      Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
      Cain: Blow jobs!


  15. mavenmaven

    Honestly, could anyone be running a worse campaign than Romneyromneystanstan? And Cain wouldn't have to use bronzer to speak to the Latin community.

  16. LibertyLover

    I doesn't matter if Cain was the nominee, that whole party wants to take us back to the Bush/Cheney years. I can't imagine Cain's hand anywhere near the big red button.

    Although, it might have been worth it to see southern racist heads explode having to choose between 2 blahs.

  17. Toomush_Infer

    You just know Herman has a big stash of the very best, for sprinkling on his own pizzas….this is one hilarious mufugger……

  18. ffredpalakon

    I think it would have been interesting if he'd been a candidate, with every week revealing another woman he'd once sexually assaulted. It would be just like that uplifting TV show Law & Order: SVU.

  19. SpiderCrab

    It's a crime that Florida taxpayers are funding appearances by this lout on state university campuses. Another tit-sucking deadbeat for Mitt.

  20. docterry6973

    Cain would lead Obama because his ideas have some depth to them. Sure, why not. The past two weeks of campaign news has convinced me that I am actually in a coma and imagining all this. Next I'll hear Mitt dropping Bachmann's name for DoD. Then the sky will turn a nice shade of green, with 4 suns.

    1. miss_grundy

      Until they were the Republican nominee and then we would be rolling over, laughing so hard, we would be afraid of suffering from a hernia. All of these clowns would have imploded just like Rmoney, because they believe their base is stupid and that remark would have been picked up on a microphone or through a video. And we would still be in this place today.

      1. SorosBot

        They also live in the Republican echo chamber, which is why they really believe Obama should have been easy to beat and that the public really does want to vote for a far-right President. That's why losing is all Romney's fault, and not the fault of the ideology he supports. Remember that conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

        1. Biel_ze_Bubba

          Still, you'd think that at some point, the notion that the majority of Americans are "traitors" would bang into something in their heads and make a noise like the Gong Show.

    2. Negropolis

      It will never dawn on any of them that they were all simply different degrees of horrible that the American majority would not swallow.

  21. BartStarrland

    Aw, Herman, you just missed out on the offer. Had you spoken up in 30 minutes or less we could have let you back in.

  22. Callyson

    OT question–where do the trolls who follow us get the pics for their avatars? They are getting uglier and uglier, just like their politics…

    1. BloviateMe

      I think I know one of them you're referring to. Being a 'tarded mono-linguist, I had to use translator to see it's comments on other websites…they were pretty much about boobies et al, so the draw to following a political site struck me as odd.

  23. chascates

    His show will be pretty entertaining. I hope he has cool sound effects such as gongs, car tires screeching, and wolf whistles. ESPECIALLY wolf whistles.

  24. Slim_Pickins

    Herman Cain, the Pillsbury Dough Boy's gift to the nation, not an ineffective executive so much as an oblivious one.

      1. finallyhappy

        I have to say free pizza can be a big draw to a poorish college student(or a drunk one). Even crappy pizza.

    1. imissopus

      Got through three minutes. Did you know that people called Josef Stalin "Uncle Joe"? And then Obama chose Joe Biden, who is also sometimes kiddingly on the internet referred to as Uncle Joe. It all makes sense!

  25. BloviateMe

    Knowing this dolt won't be in office, I can't help but be utterly amused by his antics.

    Let me throw this at the wall and see if it sticks with anybody else: If Donald Trump and an old school, 70's era pimp had a love child = The Cain-ster.

  26. labman57

    Delusions of grandeur.

    Did Cain ever have a chance to be elected for ANY national office?
    Nein, Nein, Nein.

  27. tessiee

    At least he wouldn't have to hit the spray tan bottle before…
    *giant hook comes out and yanks comment offstage*

  28. deliman4

    When I was a kid it cost 50 cents to get into the freak show at the circus and now with the miracle of modern technology you get to see it for nothing on a nightly basis,

    1. Toomush_Infer

      The Continually Revolving Man!….The Pizza Swami….Step right up to see the Vicious Bat Lady….yeah, guess you're right…

  29. BloviateMe

    If Herm does take another swipe in '16, I fully expect 'moustache rides' to be listed somewhere in his platform.

  30. Negropolis

    That this guy has a degree in mathematics and one in computer science and did ballistics at the navy just goes to show you that intelligence ain't worth shit to the nation if you don't use it to make other people's lives better.

  31. johnnyzhivago

    Question for Wonkette Tax Experts: Could Mitt have gone back to the 2008-2009 returns and rejiggered them – ie change the charitable deduction to go from ZERO to 13%? But I guess releasing them with a revision date of like Sept, 2012 would be suspicious?

    1. Toomush_Infer

      That gets trickier – it would need a good tax lawyer to hide it, one that you would have to pay a lot for, ….oh, right….

  32. neiltheblaze

    Leaving aside the fact that Herman Cain would make such an election High Comedy, can you imagine the head detonations that would be happening in Bagger Land if both major candidates for President were blah? That might be fun to watch.

  33. Arkoday

    Oh he has depth. While he may appear slick, he can penetrate deeply into the murky jungle of politics and raise the discourse to new levels lickety-split. He has the knack for finding cracks in opposition, forcing them wider and licking the problems. He would keep us satisfied.

  34. weejee


    Horror of horrors, Garrett Epps over at the Atlantic claims that our beloved überbrilliant Justice Antonin Scalia is a churly boy. Churlish, the derpest legal thinker ever, ever, ever!!!!!! Scalia is having a serious pout because someone pooped during a review of Antonin's opus Activist Justices Love Me Reading Law??!!?

    / dances off to Canada to score Nanaimo bars

  35. YasserArraFeck

    If Herman wants the job, he'd better pucker up, 'cos he's got a lot of fellatin' an' cunnilingin' to get through before election day

  36. ttommyunger

    "Deep thoughts"..and as proof, Herman dropped a penny in his ear…..no one could hear it hit bottom. BTW: batting clean-up for Kneel Boortz? Not sure the Lilly-White Grannies and Grampas here in JawJah will go for that, then again, it is radio and they're so thick-headed they probably won't catch on that he's near.

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