HAPPILY NO SMALL ANIMALS WERE KILLED  3:15 pm September 22, 2012

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

by Doktor Zoom

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it:

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

…said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Mr. Cain also explained that the recent flap over Romney’s “47 percent” coments was a “non-story,” presumably because 47 is a really boring number that can’t be chanted and is not a homophone for anything in German. He believes the story of Romney calling half of Americans irresponsible moochers has simply been blown out of proportion by the media, and added that he looks forward to becoming a member of the media when he replaces screaming madman Neal Boortz on radio.

Cain also said that he would not be interested in a cabinet position with a possible Romney administration because even though he has a rich fantasy life, he’s not completely divorced from reality just yet.

In his speech to 300 college students, part of his “College Truth Tour,” Cain repeated what has become his favorite tag line, “Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back.”

Mr. Cain then reportedly expressed satisfaction at winning the 2012 Dunning-Kruger Achievement Prize.

[Gainesville Sun]

 

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{ 250 comments }

Mumbletypeg September 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"YES WE CAIN'T!"
– Stoopid people

UW8316154 September 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Gosh, he *seems* familiar, but I just can't place him….Where have I seen this guy before??

Mumbletypeg September 22, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I am remembering with delight the whole uncovering of the SimCity 4 connection to his 9-9-9 plan.. but had completely missed the bit Dok linked above about the Pokemon song he quoted lyrics from, insisting they were inspired poetic verse instead..

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:20 pm

*Way* too familiar. And, fittingly, familiarity has bred its usual bastard child, contempt.

Callyson September 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm

The video of the remake of MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx723-n1wPA

(YouTube is really coming in handy today…)

OneDollarJuana September 23, 2012 at 9:29 am

Saw his face in a pizza once.

bumfug September 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm

The fact that anyone ever took this clown seriously just proves that nothing is too outlandish to happen in America.

IndianaKevin September 23, 2012 at 7:41 am

I know, right? He's only a step above George W. Bush in intelligence.

Tequila Mockingbird September 22, 2012 at 3:21 pm

“Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back.”

Truer words…

MaxUdargo September 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Sneer all you want, but the truth is that if Herman Cain were president we wouldn't be seeing all this anti-American unrest in Ubekibekibekistanstan.

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Only because no one would want to pick on the slow kid.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:16 am

That, and well, Ubekibekibekistanstan would have to exist for their to be unrest, there. lol

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 4:43 am

Wait. Are you saying that's not a real place? I've BEEN there.

The palace guards, in their lime green uniforms; the little children, dressed in rags of silk and cashmere; the brave resistance, dressed in their Keffiyeh and beards, smelling like brave resistance. Are you saying it was all a DREAM???

ElPinche September 22, 2012 at 3:22 pm

"I'd win this thing, one ho at a time! "

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Ho-ho-ho.

SorosBot September 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

He's got some deep thoughts, just like Jack Handy.

Maman September 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

You beat me to it

Barbara_ September 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

He's more like Jack Handleme. You want the job, don't you?

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Jack Handleme Off?

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

Tequila Mockingbird September 22, 2012 at 3:38 pm

If God dwells inside of us, like some people say, then I sure hope he likes enchiladas, 'cause that's what he's getting!

PsycWench September 22, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa, not terrified and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Doktor Zoom September 22, 2012 at 4:08 pm

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Toomush_Infer September 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm

And an ever bigger man to fart in their general direction – it's like Russian dolls!…

no_gravity September 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Herb Cain should stick to things he knows about like Uzbekibekistanstan.

mille derps September 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Anyone who quotes Donna Summer cain't be all bad, right? Maybe 99.9% bad, but still…

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 4:12 pm

But will he lay down and die? Oh no not he.

Veritas78 September 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm

He quotes Gloria Gaynor, too? Maybe I was wrong about him.

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Oh, damn my disco illiteracy.

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 7:22 pm

The above, by the way, can be found on page 35 of Sentences I Never Thought I'd Say.

Butch_Wagstaff September 22, 2012 at 6:02 pm

You never quote Donna Summer. You sing along, dammit.
Now, where did I put that cake?

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:04 pm

You left it out in the rain….(Sorry, I couldn't help myself!) Richard Harris approves this message.

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:50 pm

OH NOOOOOO!!!

PennyDreadful September 22, 2012 at 11:39 pm

I don't think that I can take it.

finallyhappy September 23, 2012 at 7:48 am

Many, many years ago, Richard Harris was on the Charlie Rose show(when it was in DC) and I got him to sign that album(that is a big piece of plastic in a cardboard cover)

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:17 am

I got 99 problems, but a Cain ain't one…

DerrickWildcat September 23, 2012 at 2:27 am

Fact: The best kinds of Disco songs are the instructional type. The ones that instruct you to Get Down, Disco, Shake it and Boogie.

mille derps September 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm

And Disco DUCK!

compound_i September 23, 2012 at 6:09 pm

That's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it (uh-huh uh-huh).

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 5:12 am
sbj1964 September 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Mitt is so used to getting everything he wants.But he and his pal's are going to find out America is not for sale.

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Or at least not to him, because he's creepy

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 7:00 pm

And even the most craven among us are usually put off by overly developed feelings of entitlement such as those demonstrated by the Rmoneys.

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Yes, because Ann Rmoney is now whining because it is SO HARD to be her and you, people (sniff, sniff), just won't leave her man alone…..

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Yes. AS IF the entire electorate greeted Michelle Obama with open arms.

compound_i September 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm

They're going to <italic>lease<italic/> Amurka, as a tax avoidance scheme.

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

47 is not evenly divisible by 9 nor 999 by 47, therefore QED. And the stupid people we need to take America back from are the same smart people who will never support Republicans!

I think he meant "Derp Thoughts".

Blueb4sinrise September 22, 2012 at 3:39 pm

See, it's not just me.

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:47 pm

It's *never* just you.

deanbooth September 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm

If Cain had run, certain people would be hanging a pizza from the tree in their front yard.

SnarkOff September 22, 2012 at 3:41 pm

If you don't like it, don't come down my street.

LibertyLover September 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm

But your next door neighbor ordered this pizza….

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm

But not for long because all the neighbourhood scamps will be trying to get it down. Burp.

Chicago deep-dish, and it was delish, thanks for asking.

MosesInvests September 23, 2012 at 1:40 am

Oh, Lawdy, can you imagine Teabagger heads exploding if Spermin' Cain had gotten the nomination and they had pick one of two blah guys for POTUS?

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:18 am

Now that's a strange fruit I can approve of! Pizza!Pizza!

smashedinhat September 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Why is this cabbage patch doll still talking?

DrunkIrishman September 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm

As bad as Mitt Romney has been … as awful as it's looking for his campaign … remember, he was still the best of the Retardican bunch.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 22, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Of all the dozy cunts in the field, Mitt was the only one who I genuinely thought could win an election.

Haha! How wrong I was. He's mad as a hatter and utterly out-of-touch and unlikeable.

Great!

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:19 am

It's crazy that Mitt was thought of as the "grown-up." LOL!

Wadisay September 22, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Talking to a friend yesterday, I listed the Repub debaters who weren't crazy. I got maybe Huntsman and Pawlenty. I thought Mitt was sane (if utterly disagreeable) at the time, but it turned out I was wrong.

anniegetyerfun September 22, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Ah, Hunstman. The only one of the group smart enough to actually not say stupid shit CONSTANTLY. Of course, he had the nerve to say things that were occasionally true, and also, he clearly didn't hate furriners enough.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:21 am

Well, near the end when he sensed he was losing, he did delve into the crazy when he said that the EPA was "terrorizing" America. I'll hold out some respect for him if he has the balls to quit the party. He doesn't have to become a Democrat, because ideologically, he's not there. But, he just has to quit the GOP.

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Yeah, now that the other worms are crawling out the woodwork, they're reminding us.

ChillBill September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

NEIN-NEIN-NEIN!

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:20 am

VETO-VETO-VETO?

Blueb4sinrise September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Possibly too much Wonkette………I read it as
'I have some derp to my ideas.'

GunToting[Redacted] September 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

That's the first thing I thought.

Blueb4sinrise September 22, 2012 at 6:20 pm

It's nearly an epidemic!

ThankYouJeebus September 22, 2012 at 3:31 pm

A deep dish pizza is more contemplative than Herman Cain.
(I don't have facts to back this up.)

Geminisunmars September 22, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Facks? Who needs facks?

Charlie_Foxtrot September 22, 2012 at 9:09 pm

It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:25 am

Was it not intended to be a crustal statement?

coolhandnuke September 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

There is more depth in the puddled grease on a pepperoni slice in a pizza than the muddled greasy, sleazy, obtuse thing known as Herman Cain

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:27 am

But then Pizza innovation occured, and we got cheesy crusts.

emmelemm September 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I miss the obligatory Pizza the Hutt photo that accompanied Herman Cain posts in the past.

littlebigdaddy September 22, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Needz moar sinister leering and cigarette smoking.

Lot_49 September 22, 2012 at 4:10 pm

That was the greatest political commercial ever.

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Even creepier than demon sheep. An achievement that is hard to believe.

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm

(leers obligingly at littlebigdaddy)

TootsStansbury September 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

That leer. When it was in heavy rotation on our Wonkette it creeped me out so bad I had to check under my bed at night before I could even think of going to sleep.

nounverb911 September 22, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Cain's deep thoughts are in Mitt's abyss.

weejee September 22, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Mitt's abyss

Which is buried in Ayn Rand's arse.

BarackMyWorld September 22, 2012 at 3:41 pm

And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.

finallyhappy September 23, 2012 at 7:49 am

Nu? you're Jewish?

SnarkOff September 22, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I miss Bachmann.

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I miss her friends Turner and Overdrive — but I do not miss Bachmann. Maybe a few years after she's voted out of office.

GunToting[Redacted] September 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm

You won't have time to miss her because Roger Ailes will probably sign her up after they dump Snowbilly…

DCBloom September 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I miss Marc…..never mind, I forgot, he's the big one on Modern Family, no?

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm

What are you throwing?

WABishop September 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm

You can't go back, man.

chicken_thief September 22, 2012 at 8:10 pm

The White House would have looked fahbulous! after the First Lady, Marcus, was done redecorating.

ThundercatHo September 23, 2012 at 1:06 am

Yes, but would the carpet match the drapes?

littlebigdaddy September 22, 2012 at 9:13 pm

Said no one, ever.

Joshua Norton September 22, 2012 at 3:48 pm

The more I see of Herman Cain, the more it becomes obvious that the pizza business must pretty much run itself.

PsycWench September 22, 2012 at 3:49 pm

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

Sadly most of the electorate wants ideas that can easily be expressed on bumper stickers. Not that I think Herman Cain was in any danger there.

Sharkey September 22, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Downloading "Saints Row Three" here, please shutup.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:33 am

Make sure you do a flying jump jet dildo strike at least once.

Alternately, you can get the achivement for :
Stay Classy Steelport10
Kill 25 Gang Members each with 'the Penetrator' AND the Fart in a Jar.

ThankYouJeebus September 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Perry was just in the news with his latest prayer plan. TPaw just made news by jumping ship. And here's Herman with his deep thoughts. Michele and Newtie headlines can't be far behind.

Maybe Mitt planned it all to remind his base what their other options were.

calliecallie September 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm

October surprise! Michelle Bachmann jumps out of a cake. Or maybe Newt.

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

She's *already* a cake. A fruitcake.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 22, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Cakes we don't like.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:38 am

You just turned the quote "Let them eat cake" entirely upside down.

MittBorg September 23, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Oh, EW! (Runs off to bleach brain)

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:28 am

The only way I want to see Bachmann in a cake is if she was accidentially baked into it.

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm

His base is agreeing with Cain. They have elevated Derp to an Art.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 22, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I bet the sky is pretty in his world.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 22, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Have you seen his ads? The sky looks like a dystopian future where "clean coal" has destroyed the ecosystem.

Sharkey September 22, 2012 at 4:18 pm

What Were The Skies Like When You Were Young?

Fukui-sanYesOta September 22, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Damn, an Orb reference. Win.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:40 am

It reminds me of this apple tree in my backyard.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:43 am

Well, recently they were trending towards orange, as the makeup artist couldn't decide between red and yellow.

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I bet it's brown and lumpy, like the water.

anniegetyerfun September 22, 2012 at 9:47 pm

My guess is that the clouds all look like titties.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

Yes, all of the clouds are topped with Victoria's Secret angels.

sbj1964 September 22, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Herman says he would a better choice than Mittens.I have a potted plant that would poll higher than Herman,or Mittens.And the potted plant has a higher IQ than your average GOP candidate

Sharkey September 22, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I can throw in a parasitic fungus if it'll help…

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:45 am

You can lead an ant towards water…

Lot_49 September 22, 2012 at 4:18 pm

People who go to Harvard (that is, Mitt, Chimpy, etc.) are supposed to be smarter than all the rest of us. What if it's not true?

sbj1964 September 22, 2012 at 4:23 pm

As my favorite Looney Toon would say about Mitt."I say the boy is book smart,but he lacks common sense." Foghorn Leghorn.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 22, 2012 at 10:53 pm

I believe Foghorn would go on to say:
"That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball"

Toomush_Infer September 22, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Well, people in glass boats….

Fukui-sanYesOta September 22, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Chimpy was Yale, wasn't he?

Spurning Beer September 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Sure, but Yale is the Texas A&M of the Ivy League.

Lot_49 September 23, 2012 at 2:30 am

Thought he went to Harvard b-school after Skulling'n'Boning in New Haven.

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Not if you're a legacy. After all, Dubya attended an Ivy League university and look what he did with his eight years…

Spurning Beer September 22, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Right. There has always been a cadre of "legacy" students at Ivy League schools who get in and pass because of, let's say, non-academic factors. And I'm not talking about sports.

Of course, if you ask Conservative Americans, the Ivies are filled with undeserving Affirmative Action dullards who take slots away from their own well-rounded kids, who were on their prep school golf or sailing team.

Lot_49 September 23, 2012 at 4:54 am

Plus, Asians.

natl_indecency_cmdr September 22, 2012 at 9:39 pm

green party?

you see because.. it's a plant…

AlterNewt September 23, 2012 at 5:04 am

So, the brain in Cain is mainly unexplained?

glasspusher September 24, 2012 at 12:19 am

Nice.

CthuNHu September 22, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Rick Perry weeps for what might have been, as Mike Dukakis collapses in hysterical laughter.

kittensdontlie September 22, 2012 at 4:01 pm

The depth of his thoughts are unfathomable, seemingly to be in reach of the ninth circle of Hell.

GuanoFaucet September 22, 2012 at 4:02 pm

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas”

Nein, Nein, Nein!

Pragmatist2 September 22, 2012 at 4:06 pm

To be fair, he said "some depth" not "much depth" or "real depth" or anything like that.
I'll give him a nanometer of depth and he can look that up in his Funk & Wagnall's.

Sharkey September 22, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Derpa derp Cain penis?

Dick jokes.

calliecallie September 22, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Think how much more fun this election season would be if Herman Cain were the Republican candidate.

Wait, could it be more fun?

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:54 pm

Would Rapey Eyes Paul Ryan still be the running mate, or would it be Rick Santorum and his sweater vests?

valthemus September 22, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Darn you, calliecallie, you nearly killed me! I started imagining a Cain/Obama debate and just about died laughing. (Sides… aching…)

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Herman Cain lives in a world where depth is defined by rhyming. So about the same intellectual level as your average high school poetry.

zippy_w_pinhead September 22, 2012 at 4:25 pm

why, he'd be 999% ahead, just ask him!

Radiotherapy September 22, 2012 at 4:26 pm

It's a blah on blah crime.

Callyson September 22, 2012 at 4:27 pm

"there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas"

That's true: I know *my* Chihuahua likes to bark every time one of the Republicans says something on the news.

weejee September 22, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Hermie's 9-9-9 is just 666 showing off and standing on its head.

starfanglednut September 22, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Weej, your new icon haz teh cutez.

weejee September 22, 2012 at 9:56 pm

Thanks starfangled. In fact it's time for me to go home and plunk some.

Ayn Rand Paul Tard September 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Neal Boortz: Do ya want the job, Hermie Do ya want it?!

Guppy September 22, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Herman Cain really wants the job.

Callyson September 22, 2012 at 4:32 pm

A rock band opened the event and Cain closed his speech by singing “Believe in Yourself” from the movie “The Wiz.”

Oh, hell to the no:

Barack Obama Victory- Brand New Day (official music video)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZu21-NeA4Q

TootsStansbury September 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Thanks for that. BRB, something seems to have gotten in my eyes. They're watering.

Chet Kincaid_ September 22, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Cool, I didn't know someone thought of that 4 years before I did (as is the case with most of my ideas)! That is such a great song. Have you heard the original stage soundtrack? Was it less Disco-ey? (Nothing wrong with Disco-ey, btw)

Callyson September 22, 2012 at 7:55 pm

I've never heard the original stage soundtrack so I don't know if it has a disco sound or not, but I'll bet it's good. And I hope you'll be able to do your version of this track on Election Day…

Pap Finn September 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm

It's been happening for so long now that I occasionally lose perspective on the depths to which the Republicans have sunk. The slow normalization of the contemptible, clownish, shit-flinging idiocy that they continue to peddle as a governing philosophy is a more subtle thing than I would have guessed. Really, it's staggering if you stop and think about where they are now.

Not that it began with her, but for Christ's sake, Palin. Then, sub-moronic droolers Cain, Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, and Gingrich all took their turns at leading in the primaries this year. Now we look on with equal measures of glee and horror as Willard runs the most comically inept campaign of our lifetimes.

And all of that was preceded by 8 years of…fucking…Bush.

Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers (oh, yeah: half the electorate are cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers. Never mind.).

It's really galling that we have to fear them, though, isn't it?

SayItWithWookies September 22, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Jared Diamond, in Collapse, and referring to climate change's effects and how we come thing this is how things have always been, called it "normality creep." In the Republicans' case it's heavy on the creep, light on the normality.

Toomush_Infer September 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

It's about the numbers – the Stupids is growing….

Boojum September 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm

People laughed at Reagan for being a boneheaded actor, which he was, but he is Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson compared to the modern day crop. Is it the lead paint? The PCB's or CFC's? Or were they always there, like cicadas, waiting for their time?

Chet Kincaid_ September 22, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Damn it, don't talk about their half that way! The President has to work for everyone, even the cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers!

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Yes, he works for the cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nosepickers, who have mocked him, and called him every ugly, racist name in the book and the deal is, he has done more for this group then they will ever acknowledge. Because if they had to acknowledge that this man doesn't see them as contemptible, unlike Rmoney, their heads would explode. Just look at the Affordable Health Care Act, it helps them, but they will never be grateful.

IndianaKevin September 23, 2012 at 8:40 am

Yes, Chet, in the mythical land of America, that is true. But this is the other America, where presidents do 180-degree turns from their campaign promises after taking office, where journalists report inaccurately, incompletely and unobjectively and where torture is not an obscenity but a patriotic duty.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 8:46 am

Fear not. Our po-lice are fully militarized and order will be maintained. We're sunk.

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:55 pm

"Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers"

Because they own the voting machines.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 4:44 am

Because they're armed to the teeth.

MacRaith September 22, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states. And nobody has ever heard of Sarah Palin.

Damn these antipsychotic drugs that keep me grounded in the real world. Fantasy is so much more fun.

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:57 pm

"Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states."

I almost wish it were a Cain vs. Obama race, if for no other reason than how much it would piss off the racists.
also because Cain is a buffoon.

LibertyLover September 22, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue that they would care to discuss…they both suffer from delusions of grandeur.

GunToting[Redacted] September 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I'd argue that they both suffer from delusions of adequacy.

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Nah, more like diarrhea of the mouth…….

compound_i September 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm

"Logorrhea" as Studs Terkel would say, while derisively referring to the Gluttons Of Privilege as "swells."

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:58 pm

"I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue"

Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
Cain: Blow jobs!
Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
Cain: Blow jobs!

etc.

mavenmaven September 22, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Honestly, could anyone be running a worse campaign than Romneyromneystanstan? And Cain wouldn't have to use bronzer to speak to the Latin community.

LibertyLover September 22, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I doesn't matter if Cain was the nominee, that whole party wants to take us back to the Bush/Cheney years. I can't imagine Cain's hand anywhere near the big red button.

Although, it might have been worth it to see southern racist heads explode having to choose between 2 blahs.

johnnyzhivago September 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm

That settles it! We're having Pizza tonight!

Toomush_Infer September 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm

You just know Herman has a big stash of the very best, for sprinkling on his own pizzas….this is one hilarious mufugger……

ffredpalakon September 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

I think it would have been interesting if he'd been a candidate, with every week revealing another woman he'd once sexually assaulted. It would be just like that uplifting TV show Law & Order: SVU.

SpiderCrab September 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

It's a crime that Florida taxpayers are funding appearances by this lout on state university campuses. Another tit-sucking deadbeat for Mitt.

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Is it any worse than the schools that paid Bristol Palin to share her wisdom about abstinence?

Spurning Beer September 22, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Silly SpiderCrab. We don't pay taxes in Florida.

docterry6973 September 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Cain would lead Obama because his ideas have some depth to them. Sure, why not. The past two weeks of campaign news has convinced me that I am actually in a coma and imagining all this. Next I'll hear Mitt dropping Bachmann's name for DoD. Then the sky will turn a nice shade of green, with 4 suns.

fuflans September 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm

would herman cain have had to put on make-up to pander to univision? i don't think so people.

insidebeltway September 22, 2012 at 5:50 pm

ALL the other primary candidates are thinking they could have done this better.

miss_grundy September 22, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Until they were the Republican nominee and then we would be rolling over, laughing so hard, we would be afraid of suffering from a hernia. All of these clowns would have imploded just like Rmoney, because they believe their base is stupid and that remark would have been picked up on a microphone or through a video. And we would still be in this place today.

SorosBot September 22, 2012 at 9:41 pm

They also live in the Republican echo chamber, which is why they really believe Obama should have been easy to beat and that the public really does want to vote for a far-right President. That's why losing is all Romney's fault, and not the fault of the ideology he supports. Remember that conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 4:48 am

Still, you'd think that at some point, the notion that the majority of Americans are "traitors" would bang into something in their heads and make a noise like the Gong Show.

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm

And the really pathetic thing is that every single one of them is wrong.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:39 am

It will never dawn on any of them that they were all simply different degrees of horrible that the American majority would not swallow.

ifthethunderdontgetya September 22, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Let's all have some Deep Depth Pizza.

P.S. Also, too, just for the fucking halibut.
~

BartStarrland September 22, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Aw, Herman, you just missed out on the offer. Had you spoken up in 30 minutes or less we could have let you back in.

Toomush_Infer September 22, 2012 at 6:29 pm

How do you cut a pizza in 9 slices again…?…it takes deep thinking….

Spurning Beer September 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Herman: Do you want your pizza cut into six slices or eight?

Mitt: Oh, six. I couldn't possibly eat eight.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 6:50 am

It depends upon the biblical interpretation of pi.

Callyson September 22, 2012 at 6:56 pm

OT question–where do the trolls who follow us get the pics for their avatars? They are getting uglier and uglier, just like their politics…

BloviateMe September 22, 2012 at 7:36 pm

I think I know one of them you're referring to. Being a 'tarded mono-linguist, I had to use translator to see it's comments on other websites…they were pretty much about boobies et al, so the draw to following a political site struck me as odd.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 22, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Oh, I just did a google image search.

Radiotherapy September 22, 2012 at 6:56 pm

His ketchup and glue on cardboard pizza still tastes like shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

chascates September 22, 2012 at 7:06 pm

His show will be pretty entertaining. I hope he has cool sound effects such as gongs, car tires screeching, and wolf whistles. ESPECIALLY wolf whistles.

Butch_Wagstaff September 22, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Can't leave out the record scratch and that "Boooiiiinnnnng!" sound.

Slim_Pickins September 22, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Herman Cain, the Pillsbury Dough Boy's gift to the nation, not an ineffective executive so much as an oblivious one.

BlueStateLibel September 22, 2012 at 7:13 pm

This must be music to Egg Romney's ears!

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm

You think she knows better than to call Cain "you people"?

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 7:14 pm

300 students in attendance at his lecture: one for the "depth," 299 for the lulz.

GeorgiaBurning September 22, 2012 at 10:16 pm

Free pizza. Period.

Jukesgrrl September 22, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Ooooh.That makes sense.

finallyhappy September 23, 2012 at 7:55 am

I have to say free pizza can be a big draw to a poorish college student(or a drunk one). Even crappy pizza.

chascates September 22, 2012 at 7:19 pm

If your local PBS is running a pledge drive tonight enjoy this shocking documentary instead: http://www.ourcommunistcommanderinchief.com/
Detailed and long documentary re Obama's REAL father.

imissopus September 22, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Got through three minutes. Did you know that people called Josef Stalin "Uncle Joe"? And then Obama chose Joe Biden, who is also sometimes kiddingly on the internet referred to as Uncle Joe. It all makes sense!

trampndirtdown September 22, 2012 at 10:58 pm

Sorry Dr. Who night.

SorosBot September 22, 2012 at 11:02 pm

With a cameo by Bryan Cox; I'm less than halfway through the episode but it's awesome so far.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 22, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Victorious marathon followed by premiers of Victorious, Big Time Rush and How to Rock.

BloviateMe September 22, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Knowing this dolt won't be in office, I can't help but be utterly amused by his antics.

Let me throw this at the wall and see if it sticks with anybody else: If Donald Trump and an old school, 70's era pimp had a love child = The Cain-ster.

Butch_Wagstaff September 22, 2012 at 7:37 pm

This clown again? Gah. Someone needs to use a SpeechJammer on him. http://arxiv.org/abs/1202.6106

Barrelhse September 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Why, for a minute there I thought you meant a tire-iron to the larynx.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 22, 2012 at 11:17 pm

I need to get one of those. For the ex Mrs. Foxtrot.

Barrelhse September 22, 2012 at 7:43 pm

A flat-pan pizza has deeper thoughts.

Tundra Grifter September 22, 2012 at 7:48 pm

A wade through the ocean of Cain's ideas wouldn't get your ankles wet.

Blueb4sinrise September 22, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Snarky Commies on c-span book tv.
http://www.booktv.org/Program/13807/Occupy+the+Ec

labman57 September 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Delusions of grandeur.

Did Cain ever have a chance to be elected for ANY national office?
Nein, Nein, Nein.

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:48 pm

"Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Derp Thoughts"

fixed

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 8:48 pm

At least he wouldn't have to hit the spray tan bottle before…
*giant hook comes out and yanks comment offstage*

TootsStansbury September 22, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Derp Derp Derp!

chascates September 22, 2012 at 8:55 pm

THE SIMPSONS – Homer Votes 2012 (trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

tessiee September 22, 2012 at 9:05 pm

So, "the Simpsons" is a documentary now?

Come here a minute September 22, 2012 at 8:57 pm

You know what word I haven't heard around here much lately? Famewhore.

Barrelhse September 22, 2012 at 9:09 pm

She's been advising Romney/Ryan to go Rogue, whatever the fuck she thinks that is.

DahBoner September 22, 2012 at 8:58 pm

I have some depth to my ideas

No, Blitz.

johnnyzhivago September 22, 2012 at 9:07 pm

Cain/Abel 2016!

Radiotherapy September 22, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Herman Cain would release his tax records.

deliman4 September 22, 2012 at 11:28 pm

When I was a kid it cost 50 cents to get into the freak show at the circus and now with the miracle of modern technology you get to see it for nothing on a nightly basis,

Toomush_Infer September 23, 2012 at 10:17 am

The Continually Revolving Man!….The Pizza Swami….Step right up to see the Vicious Bat Lady….yeah, guess you're right…

BloviateMe September 23, 2012 at 12:03 am

If Herm does take another swipe in '16, I fully expect 'moustache rides' to be listed somewhere in his platform.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:07 am

And, if a frog had wings…

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 2:32 am

That this guy has a degree in mathematics and one in computer science and did ballistics at the navy just goes to show you that intelligence ain't worth shit to the nation if you don't use it to make other people's lives better.

cousinitt September 23, 2012 at 4:12 am

Clayton Bigsby has arisen as zombie Cain. My friends, zombies are people too.

PurgedVoter September 23, 2012 at 7:37 am

Depth, Cain, HaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaahahaha… !

Preacher_Griz September 23, 2012 at 7:40 am

I will vote for Truck Stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain to prove to you that I AM NOT RACIST!!!

johnnyzhivago September 23, 2012 at 7:50 am

Question for Wonkette Tax Experts: Could Mitt have gone back to the 2008-2009 returns and rejiggered them – ie change the charitable deduction to go from ZERO to 13%? But I guess releasing them with a revision date of like Sept, 2012 would be suspicious?

Toomush_Infer September 23, 2012 at 10:19 am

That gets trickier – it would need a good tax lawyer to hide it, one that you would have to pay a lot for, ….oh, right….

AlterNewt September 23, 2012 at 9:44 am

OT – It's Gawker, but you'll like it anyway…
http://gawker.com/5944741/iranian-woman-beats-the

Toomush_Infer September 23, 2012 at 10:23 am

oOh, this! This is great!…

neiltheblaze September 23, 2012 at 10:12 am

Leaving aside the fact that Herman Cain would make such an election High Comedy, can you imagine the head detonations that would be happening in Bagger Land if both major candidates for President were blah? That might be fun to watch.

JohnnyBrooklyn September 23, 2012 at 10:48 am

Mr Cain is right.

Compared to Mitt, he and his ideas have depth.

Arkoday September 23, 2012 at 11:01 am

Oh he has depth. While he may appear slick, he can penetrate deeply into the murky jungle of politics and raise the discourse to new levels lickety-split. He has the knack for finding cracks in opposition, forcing them wider and licking the problems. He would keep us satisfied.

DahBoner September 24, 2012 at 9:21 am

You make Lickity Split sound like a Mission Statement…

ProgressiveInga September 23, 2012 at 11:50 am

Best Ann Rmoney quote from SNL last night:
"But honestly, who wouldn't kill a horse to meet Beyonce?"

weejee September 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

OT

Horror of horrors, Garrett Epps over at the Atlantic claims that our beloved überbrilliant Justice Antonin Scalia is a churly boy. Churlish, the derpest legal thinker ever, ever, ever!!!!!! Scalia is having a serious pout because someone pooped during a review of Antonin's opus Activist Justices Love Me Reading Law??!!?

/ dances off to Canada to score Nanaimo bars

MrsConclusion September 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Herman Caine is the black Donald Trump. That sounds like an insult to both of them, and it is!

AtwatersGhost September 23, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Herman would definitely pull-off a better 'brown face' on Univision.

YasserArraFeck September 23, 2012 at 10:32 pm

If Herman wants the job, he'd better pucker up, 'cos he's got a lot of fellatin' an' cunnilingin' to get through before election day

ttommyunger September 24, 2012 at 9:42 am

"Deep thoughts"..and as proof, Herman dropped a penny in his ear…..no one could hear it hit bottom. BTW: batting clean-up for Kneel Boortz? Not sure the Lilly-White Grannies and Grampas here in JawJah will go for that, then again, it is radio and they're so thick-headed they probably won't catch on that he's near.

SorosBot September 22, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 4:59 am

All your memories are belong to us.

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