Happily No Small Animals Were Killed

Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Deep Thoughts

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.Chronic zipper-fumbling opportunist Herman Cain, possibly smelling blood in the water, briefly resurfaced late last week to tell reporters covering his speech at the University of Florida that he would likely have a “substantial lead” over President Obama if he’d been the Republican nominee. As our recent review of a book advocating Southern secession indicates, we are big fans of fantastically improbable alternate-reality stories, so, sure, Herman, go ahead and tell us all about it:

“The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

…said the man who quoted the wisdom of the Pokemon 2000 movie and whose deficit-ballooning “9-9-9″ tax proposal apparently originated in the video game “Sim City 4.”

Mr. Cain also explained that the recent flap over Romney’s “47 percent” coments was a “non-story,” presumably because 47 is a really boring number that can’t be chanted and is not a homophone for anything in German. He believes the story of Romney calling half of Americans irresponsible moochers has simply been blown out of proportion by the media, and added that he looks forward to becoming a member of the media when he replaces screaming madman Neal Boortz on radio.

Cain also said that he would not be interested in a cabinet position with a possible Romney administration because even though he has a rich fantasy life, he’s not completely divorced from reality just yet.

In his speech to 300 college students, part of his “College Truth Tour,” Cain repeated what has become his favorite tag line, “Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back.”

Mr. Cain then reportedly expressed satisfaction at winning the 2012 Dunning-Kruger Achievement Prize.

[Gainesville Sun]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

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  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "YES WE CAIN'T!"
    — Stoopid people

  • UW8316154

    Gosh, he *seems* familiar, but I just can't place him….Where have I seen this guy before??

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      I am remembering with delight the whole uncovering of the SimCity 4 connection to his 9-9-9 plan.. but had completely missed the bit Dok linked above about the Pokemon song he quoted lyrics from, insisting they were inspired poetic verse instead..

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      *Way* too familiar. And, fittingly, familiarity has bred its usual bastard child, contempt.

    • Callyson

      The video of the remake of MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This?"

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cx723-n1wPA

      (YouTube is really coming in handy today…)

    • OneDollarJuana

      Saw his face in a pizza once.

  • bumfug

    The fact that anyone ever took this clown seriously just proves that nothing is too outlandish to happen in America.

    • IndianaKevin

      I know, right? He's only a step above George W. Bush in intelligence.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    “Stupid people are ruining America, and we’ve got to take it back.”

    Truer words…

    • http://www.udargo.com MaxUdargo

      Sneer all you want, but the truth is that if Herman Cain were president we wouldn't be seeing all this anti-American unrest in Ubekibekibekistanstan.

      • Boojum

        Only because no one would want to pick on the slow kid.

        • Negropolis

          That, and well, Ubekibekibekistanstan would have to exist for their to be unrest, there. lol

          • Boojum

            Wait. Are you saying that's not a real place? I've BEEN there.

            The palace guards, in their lime green uniforms; the little children, dressed in rags of silk and cashmere; the brave resistance, dressed in their Keffiyeh and beards, smelling like brave resistance. Are you saying it was all a DREAM???

          • Negropolis

            All your memories are belong to us.

  • ElPinche

    "I'd win this thing, one ho at a time! "

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Ho-ho-ho.

  • SorosBot

    He's got some deep thoughts, just like Jack Handy.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      You beat me to it

    • Barbara_

      He's more like Jack Handleme. You want the job, don't you?

      • Boojum

        Jack Handleme Off?

    • Doktor Zoom

      It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

      • Tequila Mockingbird

        If God dwells inside of us, like some people say, then I sure hope he likes enchiladas, 'cause that's what he's getting!

        • PsycWench

          I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa, not terrified and screaming like the passengers in his car.

          • Doktor Zoom

            When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

          • SorosBot

            Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

      • Toomush_Infer

        And an ever bigger man to fart in their general direction – it's like Russian dolls!…

  • no_gravity

    Herb Cain should stick to things he knows about like Uzbekibekistanstan.

  • mille derps

    Anyone who quotes Donna Summer cain't be all bad, right? Maybe 99.9% bad, but still…

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      But will he lay down and die? Oh no not he.

      • Veritas78

        He quotes Gloria Gaynor, too? Maybe I was wrong about him.

        • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

          Oh, damn my disco illiteracy.

          • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

            The above, by the way, can be found on page 35 of Sentences I Never Thought I'd Say.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      You never quote Donna Summer. You sing along, dammit.
      Now, where did I put that cake?

      • miss_grundy

        You left it out in the rain….(Sorry, I couldn't help myself!) Richard Harris approves this message.

        • tessiee

          OH NOOOOOO!!!

          • PennyDreadful

            I don't think that I can take it.

        • finallyhappy

          Many, many years ago, Richard Harris was on the Charlie Rose show(when it was in DC) and I got him to sign that album(that is a big piece of plastic in a cardboard cover)

    • Negropolis

      I got 99 problems, but a Cain ain't one…

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      Fact: The best kinds of Disco songs are the instructional type. The ones that instruct you to Get Down, Disco, Shake it and Boogie.

      • mille derps

        And Disco DUCK!

      • compound_i

        That's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) I like it (uh-huh uh-huh).

    • BoatOfVelociraptors
  • sbj1964

    Mitt is so used to getting everything he wants.But he and his pal's are going to find out America is not for sale.

    • Boojum

      Or at least not to him, because he's creepy

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        And even the most craven among us are usually put off by overly developed feelings of entitlement such as those demonstrated by the Rmoneys.

        • miss_grundy

          Yes, because Ann Rmoney is now whining because it is SO HARD to be her and you, people (sniff, sniff), just won't leave her man alone…..

          • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

            Yes. AS IF the entire electorate greeted Michelle Obama with open arms.

    • compound_i

      They're going to <italic>lease<italic/> Amurka, as a tax avoidance scheme.

  • Boojum

    47 is not evenly divisible by 9 nor 999 by 47, therefore QED. And the stupid people we need to take America back from are the same smart people who will never support Republicans!

    I think he meant "Derp Thoughts".

    • Blueb4sinrise

      See, it's not just me.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        It's *never* just you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    If Cain had run, certain people would be hanging a pizza from the tree in their front yard.

    • SnarkOff

      If you don't like it, don't come down my street.

      • LibertyLover

        But your next door neighbor ordered this pizza….

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      But not for long because all the neighbourhood scamps will be trying to get it down. Burp.

      Chicago deep-dish, and it was delish, thanks for asking.

    • MosesInvests

      Oh, Lawdy, can you imagine Teabagger heads exploding if Spermin' Cain had gotten the nomination and they had pick one of two blah guys for POTUS?

    • Negropolis

      Now that's a strange fruit I can approve of! Pizza!Pizza!

  • smashedinhat

    Why is this cabbage patch doll still talking?

  • DrunkIrishman

    As bad as Mitt Romney has been … as awful as it's looking for his campaign … remember, he was still the best of the Retardican bunch.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Of all the dozy cunts in the field, Mitt was the only one who I genuinely thought could win an election.

      Haha! How wrong I was. He's mad as a hatter and utterly out-of-touch and unlikeable.

      Great!

      • Negropolis

        It's crazy that Mitt was thought of as the "grown-up." LOL!

    • Wadisay

      Talking to a friend yesterday, I listed the Repub debaters who weren't crazy. I got maybe Huntsman and Pawlenty. I thought Mitt was sane (if utterly disagreeable) at the time, but it turned out I was wrong.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Ah, Hunstman. The only one of the group smart enough to actually not say stupid shit CONSTANTLY. Of course, he had the nerve to say things that were occasionally true, and also, he clearly didn't hate furriners enough.

        • Negropolis

          Well, near the end when he sensed he was losing, he did delve into the crazy when he said that the EPA was "terrorizing" America. I'll hold out some respect for him if he has the balls to quit the party. He doesn't have to become a Democrat, because ideologically, he's not there. But, he just has to quit the GOP.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Yeah, now that the other worms are crawling out the woodwork, they're reminding us.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    NEIN-NEIN-NEIN!

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      VETO-VETO-VETO?

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Possibly too much Wonkette………I read it as
    'I have some derp to my ideas.'

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      That's the first thing I thought.

      • Blueb4sinrise

        It's nearly an epidemic!

  • ThankYouJeebus

    A deep dish pizza is more contemplative than Herman Cain.
    (I don't have facts to back this up.)

    • Geminisunmars

      Facks? Who needs facks?

    • Charlie_Foxtrot

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Was it not intended to be a crustal statement?

  • coolhandnuke

    There is more depth in the puddled grease on a pepperoni slice in a pizza than the muddled greasy, sleazy, obtuse thing known as Herman Cain

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      But then Pizza innovation occured, and we got cheesy crusts.

    • emmelemm

      I miss the obligatory Pizza the Hutt photo that accompanied Herman Cain posts in the past.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Needz moar sinister leering and cigarette smoking.

    • Lot_49

      That was the greatest political commercial ever.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Even creepier than demon sheep. An achievement that is hard to believe.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (leers obligingly at littlebigdaddy)

    • TootsStansbury

      That leer. When it was in heavy rotation on our Wonkette it creeped me out so bad I had to check under my bed at night before I could even think of going to sleep.

  • nounverb911

    Cain's deep thoughts are in Mitt's abyss.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Mitt's abyss

      Which is buried in Ayn Rand's arse.

  • BarackMyWorld

    And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle.

    • finallyhappy

      Nu? you're Jewish?

  • SnarkOff

    I miss Bachmann.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      I miss her friends Turner and Overdrive — but I do not miss Bachmann. Maybe a few years after she's voted out of office.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        You ain't seen nothin' yet.

      • miss_grundy

        You won't have time to miss her because Roger Ailes will probably sign her up after they dump Snowbilly…

    • DCBloom

      I miss Marc…..never mind, I forgot, he's the big one on Modern Family, no?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      What are you throwing?

    • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

      You can't go back, man.

    • chicken_thief

      The White House would have looked fahbulous! after the First Lady, Marcus, was done redecorating.

      • ThundercatHo

        Yes, but would the carpet match the drapes?

    • littlebigdaddy

      Said no one, ever.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    The more I see of Herman Cain, the more it becomes obvious that the pizza business must pretty much run itself.

  • PsycWench

    “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas,”

    Sadly most of the electorate wants ideas that can easily be expressed on bumper stickers. Not that I think Herman Cain was in any danger there.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Downloading "Saints Row Three" here, please shutup.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Make sure you do a flying jump jet dildo strike at least once.

      Alternately, you can get the achivement for :
      Stay Classy Steelport10
      Kill 25 Gang Members each with 'the Penetrator' AND the Fart in a Jar.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Perry was just in the news with his latest prayer plan. TPaw just made news by jumping ship. And here's Herman with his deep thoughts. Michele and Newtie headlines can't be far behind.

    Maybe Mitt planned it all to remind his base what their other options were.

    • calliecallie

      October surprise! Michelle Bachmann jumps out of a cake. Or maybe Newt.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        She's *already* a cake. A fruitcake.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Cakes we don't like.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          You just turned the quote "Let them eat cake" entirely upside down.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, EW! (Runs off to bleach brain)

      • Negropolis

        The only way I want to see Bachmann in a cake is if she was accidentially baked into it.

    • Boojum

      His base is agreeing with Cain. They have elevated Derp to an Art.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I bet the sky is pretty in his world.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      Have you seen his ads? The sky looks like a dystopian future where "clean coal" has destroyed the ecosystem.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      What Were The Skies Like When You Were Young?

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        Damn, an Orb reference. Win.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          It reminds me of this apple tree in my backyard.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Well, recently they were trending towards orange, as the makeup artist couldn't decide between red and yellow.

    • Boojum

      I bet it's brown and lumpy, like the water.

    • anniegetyerfun

      My guess is that the clouds all look like titties.

    • Negropolis

      Yes, all of the clouds are topped with Victoria's Secret angels.

  • sbj1964

    Herman says he would a better choice than Mittens.I have a potted plant that would poll higher than Herman,or Mittens.And the potted plant has a higher IQ than your average GOP candidate

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      I can throw in a parasitic fungus if it'll help…

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        You can lead an ant towards water…

    • Lot_49

      People who go to Harvard (that is, Mitt, Chimpy, etc.) are supposed to be smarter than all the rest of us. What if it's not true?

      • sbj1964

        As my favorite Looney Toon would say about Mitt."I say the boy is book smart,but he lacks common sense." Foghorn Leghorn.

        • Charlie_Foxtrot

          I believe Foghorn would go on to say:
          "That boy’s about as sharp as a bowling ball"

      • Toomush_Infer

        Well, people in glass boats….

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        Chimpy was Yale, wasn't he?

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          Sure, but Yale is the Texas A&M of the Ivy League.

        • Lot_49

          Thought he went to Harvard b-school after Skulling'n'Boning in New Haven.

      • miss_grundy

        Not if you're a legacy. After all, Dubya attended an Ivy League university and look what he did with his eight years…

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          Right. There has always been a cadre of "legacy" students at Ivy League schools who get in and pass because of, let's say, non-academic factors. And I'm not talking about sports.

          Of course, if you ask Conservative Americans, the Ivies are filled with undeserving Affirmative Action dullards who take slots away from their own well-rounded kids, who were on their prep school golf or sailing team.

          • Lot_49

            Plus, Asians.

    • natl_indecency_cmdr

      green party?

      you see because.. it's a plant…

    • AlterNewt

      So, the brain in Cain is mainly unexplained?

      • glasspusher

        Nice.

  • CthuNHu

    Rick Perry weeps for what might have been, as Mike Dukakis collapses in hysterical laughter.

  • kittensdontlie

    The depth of his thoughts are unfathomable, seemingly to be in reach of the ninth circle of Hell.

  • GuanoFaucet

    “The reason is quite simple: I have some depth to my ideas”

    Nein, Nein, Nein!

  • Pragmatist2

    To be fair, he said "some depth" not "much depth" or "real depth" or anything like that.
    I'll give him a nanometer of depth and he can look that up in his Funk & Wagnall's.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Derpa derp Cain penis?

    Dick jokes.

  • calliecallie

    Think how much more fun this election season would be if Herman Cain were the Republican candidate.

    Wait, could it be more fun?

    • tessiee

      Would Rapey Eyes Paul Ryan still be the running mate, or would it be Rick Santorum and his sweater vests?

    • http://sciencekick.blogspot.com valthemus

      Darn you, calliecallie, you nearly killed me! I started imagining a Cain/Obama debate and just about died laughing. (Sides… aching…)

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Herman Cain lives in a world where depth is defined by rhyming. So about the same intellectual level as your average high school poetry.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    why, he'd be 999% ahead, just ask him!

  • Radiotherapy

    It's a blah on blah crime.

  • Callyson

    "there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas"

    That's true: I know *my* Chihuahua likes to bark every time one of the Republicans says something on the news.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Hermie's 9-9-9 is just 666 showing off and standing on its head.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Weej, your new icon haz teh cutez.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Thanks starfangled. In fact it's time for me to go home and plunk some.

  • http://whatthefuckhasgopdonesofar.com/ Ayn Rand Paul Tard

    Neal Boortz: Do ya want the job, Hermie Do ya want it?!

  • Guppy

    Herman Cain really wants the job.

  • Callyson

    A rock band opened the event and Cain closed his speech by singing “Believe in Yourself” from the movie “The Wiz.”

    Oh, hell to the no:

    Barack Obama Victory- Brand New Day (official music video)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZu21-NeA4Q

    • TootsStansbury

      Thanks for that. BRB, something seems to have gotten in my eyes. They're watering.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Cool, I didn't know someone thought of that 4 years before I did (as is the case with most of my ideas)! That is such a great song. Have you heard the original stage soundtrack? Was it less Disco-ey? (Nothing wrong with Disco-ey, btw)

      • Callyson

        I've never heard the original stage soundtrack so I don't know if it has a disco sound or not, but I'll bet it's good. And I hope you'll be able to do your version of this track on Election Day…

  • http://tactilepeggy.wordpress.com/ Pap Finn

    It's been happening for so long now that I occasionally lose perspective on the depths to which the Republicans have sunk. The slow normalization of the contemptible, clownish, shit-flinging idiocy that they continue to peddle as a governing philosophy is a more subtle thing than I would have guessed. Really, it's staggering if you stop and think about where they are now.

    Not that it began with her, but for Christ's sake, Palin. Then, sub-moronic droolers Cain, Bachmann, Perry, Santorum, and Gingrich all took their turns at leading in the primaries this year. Now we look on with equal measures of glee and horror as Willard runs the most comically inept campaign of our lifetimes.

    And all of that was preceded by 8 years of…fucking…Bush.

    Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers (oh, yeah: half the electorate are cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers. Never mind.).

    It's really galling that we have to fear them, though, isn't it?

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Jared Diamond, in Collapse, and referring to climate change's effects and how we come thing this is how things have always been, called it "normality creep." In the Republicans' case it's heavy on the creep, light on the normality.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's about the numbers – the Stupids is growing….

    • Boojum

      People laughed at Reagan for being a boneheaded actor, which he was, but he is Albert Einstein and Thomas Jefferson compared to the modern day crop. Is it the lead paint? The PCB's or CFC's? Or were they always there, like cicadas, waiting for their time?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Damn it, don't talk about their half that way! The President has to work for everyone, even the cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers!

      • miss_grundy

        Yes, he works for the cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nosepickers, who have mocked him, and called him every ugly, racist name in the book and the deal is, he has done more for this group then they will ever acknowledge. Because if they had to acknowledge that this man doesn't see them as contemptible, unlike Rmoney, their heads would explode. Just look at the Affordable Health Care Act, it helps them, but they will never be grateful.

      • IndianaKevin

        Yes, Chet, in the mythical land of America, that is true. But this is the other America, where presidents do 180-degree turns from their campaign promises after taking office, where journalists report inaccurately, incompletely and unobjectively and where torture is not an obscenity but a patriotic duty.

        • eggsacklywright

          Fear not. Our po-lice are fully militarized and order will be maintained. We're sunk.

    • tessiee

      "Remind me again why we're supposed to fear these cretinous, sadistic shitheels and nose-pickers"

      Because they own the voting machines.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Because they're armed to the teeth.

  • MacRaith

    Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states. And nobody has ever heard of Sarah Palin.

    Damn these antipsychotic drugs that keep me grounded in the real world. Fantasy is so much more fun.

    • tessiee

      "Herman Cain is also the GOP nominee in my fantasy world. And Obama is outpolling him in 47 states."

      I almost wish it were a Cain vs. Obama race, if for no other reason than how much it would piss off the racists.
      also because Cain is a buffoon.

  • LibertyLover

    I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue that they would care to discuss…they both suffer from delusions of grandeur.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I'd argue that they both suffer from delusions of adequacy.

    • miss_grundy

      Nah, more like diarrhea of the mouth…….

      • compound_i

        "Logorrhea" as Studs Terkel would say, while derisively referring to the Gluttons Of Privilege as "swells."

    • tessiee

      "I would pay to watch on pay per view Newt Gingrich debate Herman Cain on any issue"

      Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
      Cain: Blow jobs!
      Newt: Dumping the sick wife!
      Cain: Blow jobs!

      etc.

  • mavenmaven

    Honestly, could anyone be running a worse campaign than Romneyromneystanstan? And Cain wouldn't have to use bronzer to speak to the Latin community.

  • LibertyLover

    I doesn't matter if Cain was the nominee, that whole party wants to take us back to the Bush/Cheney years. I can't imagine Cain's hand anywhere near the big red button.

    Although, it might have been worth it to see southern racist heads explode having to choose between 2 blahs.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    That settles it! We're having Pizza tonight!

  • Toomush_Infer

    You just know Herman has a big stash of the very best, for sprinkling on his own pizzas….this is one hilarious mufugger……

  • http://italkyoubored.wordpress.com/ ffredpalakon

    I think it would have been interesting if he'd been a candidate, with every week revealing another woman he'd once sexually assaulted. It would be just like that uplifting TV show Law & Order: SVU.

  • SpiderCrab

    It's a crime that Florida taxpayers are funding appearances by this lout on state university campuses. Another tit-sucking deadbeat for Mitt.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Is it any worse than the schools that paid Bristol Palin to share her wisdom about abstinence?

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Silly SpiderCrab. We don't pay taxes in Florida.

  • docterry6973

    Cain would lead Obama because his ideas have some depth to them. Sure, why not. The past two weeks of campaign news has convinced me that I am actually in a coma and imagining all this. Next I'll hear Mitt dropping Bachmann's name for DoD. Then the sky will turn a nice shade of green, with 4 suns.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    would herman cain have had to put on make-up to pander to univision? i don't think so people.

  • insidebeltway

    ALL the other primary candidates are thinking they could have done this better.

    • miss_grundy

      Until they were the Republican nominee and then we would be rolling over, laughing so hard, we would be afraid of suffering from a hernia. All of these clowns would have imploded just like Rmoney, because they believe their base is stupid and that remark would have been picked up on a microphone or through a video. And we would still be in this place today.

      • SorosBot

        They also live in the Republican echo chamber, which is why they really believe Obama should have been easy to beat and that the public really does want to vote for a far-right President. That's why losing is all Romney's fault, and not the fault of the ideology he supports. Remember that conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Still, you'd think that at some point, the notion that the majority of Americans are "traitors" would bang into something in their heads and make a noise like the Gong Show.

    • tessiee

      And the really pathetic thing is that every single one of them is wrong.

    • Negropolis

      It will never dawn on any of them that they were all simply different degrees of horrible that the American majority would not swallow.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Let's all have some Deep Depth Pizza.

    P.S. Also, too, just for the fucking halibut.
    ~

  • BartStarrland

    Aw, Herman, you just missed out on the offer. Had you spoken up in 30 minutes or less we could have let you back in.

  • Toomush_Infer

    How do you cut a pizza in 9 slices again…?…it takes deep thinking….

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      Herman: Do you want your pizza cut into six slices or eight?

      Mitt: Oh, six. I couldn't possibly eat eight.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      It depends upon the biblical interpretation of pi.

  • Callyson

    OT question–where do the trolls who follow us get the pics for their avatars? They are getting uglier and uglier, just like their politics…

    • BloviateMe

      I think I know one of them you're referring to. Being a 'tarded mono-linguist, I had to use translator to see it's comments on other websites…they were pretty much about boobies et al, so the draw to following a political site struck me as odd.

    • Charlie_Foxtrot

      Oh, I just did a google image search.

  • Radiotherapy

    His ketchup and glue on cardboard pizza still tastes like shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

  • chascates

    His show will be pretty entertaining. I hope he has cool sound effects such as gongs, car tires screeching, and wolf whistles. ESPECIALLY wolf whistles.

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Can't leave out the record scratch and that "Boooiiiinnnnng!" sound.

  • Slim_Pickins

    Herman Cain, the Pillsbury Dough Boy's gift to the nation, not an ineffective executive so much as an oblivious one.

  • BlueStateLibel

    This must be music to Egg Romney's ears!

    • tessiee

      You think she knows better than to call Cain "you people"?

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    300 students in attendance at his lecture: one for the "depth," 299 for the lulz.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Free pizza. Period.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        Ooooh.That makes sense.

      • finallyhappy

        I have to say free pizza can be a big draw to a poorish college student(or a drunk one). Even crappy pizza.

  • chascates

    If your local PBS is running a pledge drive tonight enjoy this shocking documentary instead: http://www.ourcommunistcommanderinchief.com/
    Detailed and long documentary re Obama's REAL father.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Got through three minutes. Did you know that people called Josef Stalin "Uncle Joe"? And then Obama chose Joe Biden, who is also sometimes kiddingly on the internet referred to as Uncle Joe. It all makes sense!

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Sorry Dr. Who night.

      • SorosBot

        With a cameo by Bryan Cox; I'm less than halfway through the episode but it's awesome so far.

    • Charlie_Foxtrot

      Victorious marathon followed by premiers of Victorious, Big Time Rush and How to Rock.

  • BloviateMe

    Knowing this dolt won't be in office, I can't help but be utterly amused by his antics.

    Let me throw this at the wall and see if it sticks with anybody else: If Donald Trump and an old school, 70's era pimp had a love child = The Cain-ster.

  • Butch_Wagstaff

    This clown again? Gah. Someone needs to use a SpeechJammer on him. http://arxiv.org/abs/1202.6106

    • Barrelhse

      Why, for a minute there I thought you meant a tire-iron to the larynx.

    • Charlie_Foxtrot

      I need to get one of those. For the ex Mrs. Foxtrot.

  • Barrelhse

    A flat-pan pizza has deeper thoughts.

  • Tundra Grifter

    A wade through the ocean of Cain's ideas wouldn't get your ankles wet.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Snarky Commies on c-span book tv.
    http://www.booktv.org/Program/13807/Occupy+the+Ec

  • labman57

    Delusions of grandeur.

    Did Cain ever have a chance to be elected for ANY national office?
    Nein, Nein, Nein.

  • tessiee

    "Herman Cain Says He’d Be Doing Better Than Loser Mitt Romney, Because Of Derp Thoughts"

    fixed

  • tessiee

    At least he wouldn't have to hit the spray tan bottle before…
    *giant hook comes out and yanks comment offstage*

  • TootsStansbury

    Derp Derp Derp!

  • chascates

    THE SIMPSONS – Homer Votes 2012 (trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed

    • tessiee

      So, "the Simpsons" is a documentary now?

  • Come here a minute

    You know what word I haven't heard around here much lately? Famewhore.

    • Barrelhse

      She's been advising Romney/Ryan to go Rogue, whatever the fuck she thinks that is.

  • DahBoner

    I have some depth to my ideas

    No, Blitz.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Cain/Abel 2016!

  • Radiotherapy

    Herman Cain would release his tax records.

  • deliman4

    When I was a kid it cost 50 cents to get into the freak show at the circus and now with the miracle of modern technology you get to see it for nothing on a nightly basis,

    • Toomush_Infer

      The Continually Revolving Man!….The Pizza Swami….Step right up to see the Vicious Bat Lady….yeah, guess you're right…

  • BloviateMe

    If Herm does take another swipe in '16, I fully expect 'moustache rides' to be listed somewhere in his platform.

  • Negropolis

    And, if a frog had wings…

  • Negropolis

    That this guy has a degree in mathematics and one in computer science and did ballistics at the navy just goes to show you that intelligence ain't worth shit to the nation if you don't use it to make other people's lives better.

  • cousinitt

    Clayton Bigsby has arisen as zombie Cain. My friends, zombies are people too.

  • PurgedVoter

    Depth, Cain, HaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaahahaha… !

  • https://www.facebook.com/preacher.hipple Preacher_Griz

    I will vote for Truck Stop Pizza Mogul Herman Cain to prove to you that I AM NOT RACIST!!!

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Question for Wonkette Tax Experts: Could Mitt have gone back to the 2008-2009 returns and rejiggered them – ie change the charitable deduction to go from ZERO to 13%? But I guess releasing them with a revision date of like Sept, 2012 would be suspicious?

    • Toomush_Infer

      That gets trickier – it would need a good tax lawyer to hide it, one that you would have to pay a lot for, ….oh, right….

  • AlterNewt

    OT – It's Gawker, but you'll like it anyway…
    http://gawker.com/5944741/iranian-woman-beats-the

    • Toomush_Infer

      oOh, this! This is great!…

  • neiltheblaze

    Leaving aside the fact that Herman Cain would make such an election High Comedy, can you imagine the head detonations that would be happening in Bagger Land if both major candidates for President were blah? That might be fun to watch.

  • JohnnyBrooklyn

    Mr Cain is right.

    Compared to Mitt, he and his ideas have depth.

  • Arkoday

    Oh he has depth. While he may appear slick, he can penetrate deeply into the murky jungle of politics and raise the discourse to new levels lickety-split. He has the knack for finding cracks in opposition, forcing them wider and licking the problems. He would keep us satisfied.

    • DahBoner

      You make Lickity Split sound like a Mission Statement…

  • ProgressiveInga

    Best Ann Rmoney quote from SNL last night:
    "But honestly, who wouldn't kill a horse to meet Beyonce?"

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    OT

    Horror of horrors, Garrett Epps over at the Atlantic claims that our beloved überbrilliant Justice Antonin Scalia is a churly boy. Churlish, the derpest legal thinker ever, ever, ever!!!!!! Scalia is having a serious pout because someone pooped during a review of Antonin's opus Activist Justices Love Me Reading Law??!!?

    / dances off to Canada to score Nanaimo bars

  • MrsConclusion

    Herman Caine is the black Donald Trump. That sounds like an insult to both of them, and it is!

  • AtwatersGhost

    Herman would definitely pull-off a better 'brown face' on Univision.

  • YasserArraFeck

    If Herman wants the job, he'd better pucker up, 'cos he's got a lot of fellatin' an' cunnilingin' to get through before election day

  • ttommyunger

    "Deep thoughts"..and as proof, Herman dropped a penny in his ear…..no one could hear it hit bottom. BTW: batting clean-up for Kneel Boortz? Not sure the Lilly-White Grannies and Grampas here in JawJah will go for that, then again, it is radio and they're so thick-headed they probably won't catch on that he's near.