dept. of duh

The Bidens Are Bogarting All The Sex

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If there are three things about Old Handsome Joe Biden that Dr. Jill Biden loves, they are his optimism, his determination, and his foot-long penis. Look how flustered she is, like a giddy schoolgirl! Seems like someone got a stiff talking to just today! [Gawker]

[Updated 6/5/2013 with video that isn’t broken]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • comrad_darkness

    . . . in bed.

    • Nibbler of Niblonia

      the urgency in his voice when he comes

      • Isyaignert

        Haha – that was my favorite part!

        • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

          I love the way he laughed and shook his head when she said that, too.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Well, not ALL the sex. I still have my right hand.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Use your left, it is just like Dr. Jill.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Its the right hand of fellowship.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        A laurel. And hearty handshake to you.

        • bibliotequetress

          You should ask your right hand to introduce you at events.

    • Isyaignert

      Do you carry a picture of your hand in your wallet?

  • Advn2rgirl

    There's a reason we keep loving Crazy Uncle Joe.

  • nounverb911

    Does Lauren Bacall know about this?

  • ph7

    That's just Joe being………JESUS CHRIST WOULDYA LOOK AT THAT THING!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ay! Joe! Put that thing away before you put someone's eye out!

  • SmutBoffin

    Q: "What did the guy with the enormous wang have for breakfast?"

    A: "Today, Joe Biden had eggs and toast."

    • UW8316154

      Why did you have to bring Ann Rmoney into this?

      • SmutBoffin

        TBH, I don't understand the "Egg" joke can someone explain it to dumb me?

        • paxromanaclef

          Prettttttty sure it's an Arrested Development reference to Anne ("Her?") on that show, but I only figured that out like 2 days ago. And I could still be wrong.

          • Isyaignert

            I also, too, saw Ayn referenced as Egg but I can't remember where. Might have this site or HuffPo.

        • SorosBot

          http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Characters/

          Look at Ann Veal under Supporting Characters.

  • Come here a minute

    It was not funny to make me think about Joe Biden's big strong "heart".

    • SmutBoffin

      This is a BIG fuckin' deal!

      Pause.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Remember, the heart is just a “pump.”

  • DrunkIrishman

    Joe is literally hung like a horse.

    • OzoneTom

      Is that a requirement for Vice Presidents nowadays?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        Paul Ryan promises to rescind that on day one.

    • BloviateMe

      Some say horses are hung like a Biden.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He is the most interesting penis in the world.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Comment deleted, joke made previously down the thread.

    • Barrelhse

      Better than hung like a chair.

      • Negropolis

        Oooo…a callback…me like.

  • no_gravity

    Obviously Dr. Jill isn't a feminazi.

    • emmelemm

      Exactly.

    • PinkoPopulist

      I figured I couldn't be the first one who thought of this.

    • nonbeliever7

      Jill vs. Ann illustrates love vs. a business arrangement.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    The closed captioning is really hilarious.

    I swear, YouTube could be Tosh.0 with the CC alone.

    • no_gravity

      Kinks the cats really.

    • Baconzgood

      You know what the funniest thing about Tosh.o is?

      *crickets chirping*

      • BornInATrailer

        Everything?

  • nounverb911

    Rush Limpdick is jealous.

  • kingofmeh

    it's twue, it's twue, what they say about guys from scranton.

    • Guppy

      O sweet mystery of life at last I've found you…

  • BadKitty904

    To borrow one of my Latin bf's euphemisms: "Smilin' Joe is a *substantial* man…"

  • a_pink_poodle

    … LADIES

  • savethispatient

    I believe he calls it his Big Fucking Deal.

    • insidebeltway

      That's what Jill calls it.

  • tbogg

    'I've heard the urgency in his voice when he cums…" – Jill Biden

  • nounverb911

    Jill's blush could solve the energy crisis.

  • Barbara_

    If his dick is that big it is no wonder he takes the Amtrak train. If he flew he'd have to check it as luggage.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Or buy it a ticket

      • YasserArraFeck

        Joe always buys two seats – and he has to push the dick-seat back. And Joe don't need no Airline nuts – he's already packing some serious nuttage

    • Boojum

      He still has to leave the connecting doors open between the cars.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And ask the engineer to slow down around tight curves.

    • Barrelhse

      "Open the trunk!"

    • Guppy
  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Daaaammnn, Joe — if I was hung like that I wouldn't care what I said, either.

  • Callyson

    Ah, the feminazis missed shortening Joey's dick then? Oops…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      What if they didn't miss? Imagine that!

    • Barrelhse

      They might send that Amish guy over to finish the job.

  • Baconzgood

    She wants it. You can see it in her eyes.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Wants it, hell — she gets it.

  • SorosBot

    Meanwhile Paul Ryan's is the size of a standard match.

    • Isyaignert

      Does he drive a Hummer?

    • ms_mcgee

      Liar liar pants on fire.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Those two just locked up all the Shwing States.

  • Grief_Lessons

    He's always walked softly.

  • mille derps
    • belmontreport

      God, the Dems sure are winning the personality contest this time around, aren't they?

    • MissTaken

      “I’m going to get a pie here,” Biden said, walking over to the boxes and putting on his aviator glasses to examine the pies.

      Old Handsome Joe can munch my pie anytime he likes.

      • SorosBot

        Hey!

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Hell, even I would let him get to 3rd base. Women can't resist the power of joe!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I was half-expecting to read as the next line "The staff lined up in front of Biden"

        • mille derps

          Srsly! And what are they gonna do with a 37-lb pumpkin?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Um, spill its seed?

      • Negropolis

        Adding "…and I'll have one of those circle-shapped desserts, as well."

  • Steverino247

    GET SOME!!!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Thanks Becca. From now on when I'm supposed to be paying attention to our Vice President's important press (hmmm) conference soundbites (ouch) and ascertaining the thrust of his witty comebacks, I'm just gonna be looking at Joe's manly hands.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      He's looking for a sector to apply his stimulus to.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Well his lady is a teacher, yes? So I'm sure more than once he's had to answer for his *dangling modifier* by letting loose on her *split infinitive**

        **™Florence King

  • MacRaith

    She almost lost it again near the end, on the line "I've heard the urgency in his voice when he comes."

    Damn, but you just know Joe's getting some action tonight!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I was surprised she didn't just go give him a lap dance right there.

      • BadKitty904

        Those crazy kids!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          See, this is why guys drive convertibles.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Joe never fuckin' stops talking, apparently.
      Me? I'm usually reduced to monosyllables by then

  • MosesInvests

    Oh, Gawd. Thanks, Editrix, I needed a laugh like that.

  • owhatever

    Rafalca weeps.

    • HogeyeGrex

      "Hey buddy, I'l bet you $20 I can make that horse laugh…"

    • NYNYNYjr

      My new novel: Rafalca Shrugs.

  • ChrisM2011

    Apparently biker women agree (Their biker men, not so much).

  • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

    Where are the fact checkers now? heeeeggghhhhhh?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "It's twue! It's twue!"

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      And where have you been? Thumbs just for showing up!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    If I was married to their daughter, I'd be bogarting all the sex too. Rowrrrrr….

  • rickmaci

    Deeply personal. Drives him to make a difference. Dems just further exploiting the gender gap.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    She is so darn cute. I bet she was blushing the whole time.

  • Goonemeritus

    It’s nice to see the Biden’s holding up the fine tradition of sexual performance in the executive branch.

    • BadKitty904

      Sounds like Joe's packin' the "executive branch"…

      • Boojum

        He's packed the whole damn trunk!

  • Toomush_Infer

    'It's deeply….deeply…personal…."….some speechwriter's getting hosed tonight….

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      I'm thinking it's Jill that is getting hosed tonight and I'm sure she's perfectly happy about it…

    • Guppy

      Are you kidding? Joe's giving that speechwriter a raise!

      (In his paycheck.)

      (With votes.)

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    Women sense my power, but I deny them my essence.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Settle down, have a glass of water….better?…

    • Doktor Zoom

      I can see Jill Biden right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.

      (You steal my avatar's lines, I'll steal yours)

      • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

        Well bowled, sir.

    • pepperpat

      Totally OT, but I have a cat named after you.

    • Guppy

      Cafflicks never deny essence.

  • Lucidamente1

    You remember what Spiro Agnew's wife said about him?

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      That he was a giant prick at home, too?

    • Doktor Zoom

      Um… "Off! Get OFF, goddammit!!!"

      (just guessing)

    • Nostrildamus

      Hung like a hamster?

    • omrala

      You remember what Dan Quayle's wife said about him?

      (hint: http://swampland.time.com/2010/08/25/the-coattail

  • kittensdontlie

    Joe has managed to infect Jill with his spontaneous-gaff syndrome–and in this case, the cure is to forego the injection.

    • Boojum

      I think she might want the injection, just guessing from the way they looked at each other.

  • MacRaith

    You know what this video is missing? Michelle Obama should have been there. She could have responded, "Yeah? Well, I've seen Barack up close, honey," as she waves her hands even farther apart. "There's a reason my man is #1 and yours is #2."

    • Negropolis

      And then they get into an underpants pillow fight, right?

  • BadKitty904

    Cue the Lou Rawls' tape: "You'll never find…a 'love' as big as mine…"

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    So one guy has a dancing horse and the other guy has a VP who's hung like one?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Delaware, where men are men and horses cry.

      • Boojum

        Better than Montana, where men are men and sheep are nervous.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh, see, here back East, that's Cornell.

          • ChernobylSoup

            There's a reason it's the only Ivy with a veterinary dept.

      • zippy_w_pinhead

        or Minneapolis, where doves cry…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    "I've learned to appreciate everything about Joe: all the special nooks and crannies of his Scranton…"

  • UnholyMoses

    This must mean that Dr. Jill can get a tax deduction for Uncle Joe …

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      $77,000 if he can make it dance…

  • AlterNewt

    So it IS a big fucking deal.

    EDIT/ Apologies to savethispatient, who beat me to it. I didn't catch it the first time around.

  • Radiotherapy

    This IS a big fucking deal.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Get a room, you two.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Cue the outrage about Joe & Jill's filthy minds which makes them a stain on the honor of the office of the vice-presidency….

    (haha…"honor of the vice-presidency"!)

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Honor. Offer. And all thru the night it was honor and offer.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        Hey-oooo!

    • BadKitty904

      See also: "worth a bucket of warm piss."

    • cousinitt

      Do you know where else the stain is? I'll bet Boehner hasn't found it yet.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Bless her heart.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And bless his hard.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Looks like Bull Moose Jackson can put away his big ten inch.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    poor Rush, that penis envy must be killing him.

  • ChrisM2011

    Poor Mitt. Ann is never this enthused.

  • docterry6973

    If Joe told her once he told her a thousand times. "C'mon Jill, think before your speak!"

  • natoslug

    So . . . Biden's wife gets breathless talking about her husband's penis and the Romney's wife complains about her husband's lack of stiffness . . . I think I am starting to understand why Republicans work so hard to legislate misery. Could the solution to gridlock in Congress, all of this legislation in favor of corporate citizens and detrimental to human citizen from the conservative side be to hire a few (hundred? thousand?) sex therapists, set up candy bowls of Viagra in congressional and senate offices and get these guys and gals a good lay every once in a while? If nothing else, perhaps they'd learn to shout YES!!!! every once in a while and maybe we could get a jobs bill passed.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Wait – Ann did say it was hard….she also said to try it….

      • natoslug

        Then she's sending mixed messages. The last I heard was that he's not stiff. Is Egg getting Mitt and Rafalca mixed up again?

        • mille derps

          I think she said he's not stiff when unzipped?

  • littlebigdaddy

    Linky thing is broken!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I would go at least to 3rd base with Joe.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    and the hits to the romney campaign just keep coming.

  • cheetojeebus

    Those are pole numbers we can believe in.

  • qwerty42

    Meanwhile, over at the unhappy campaign, Scott Walker Expresses 'frustration' with the Romney campaign. As the olds pick over what's left of Ryan, and the President takes the odd potshot at Mitt. I am amazed at how quickly the wheels seem to have come off Romney. I mean really. Larrison opines that "Movement Conservative Yes-Men Are Hastening Romney’s Defeat".

    • mille derps

      Cannot be hastened quickly enough…

    • Barrelhse

      Ha ha- He's hastening his own defeat!

  • Limeylizzie

    I know Handsome Joe knows his way around a vagina, you can just tell that he loves pussy.

    • Toomush_Infer

      And who doesn't….?

      • Limeylizzie

        My last boyfriend needed a fucking GPS.

        • Boojum

          Huh? The damn thing is like a topographical map; you can tell where everything is by touch!

          Edit: I don't mean yours, in particular; I refer to them generally.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Um, I assume that's not Good Pussy Spoon…?

          • Limeylizzie

            Correct. Mine is Golden Pussy Sunshine

          • Toomush_Infer

            Oh, Lizzie, there you go again…..

          • Guppy

            Sounds like Harlem Nights.

  • C_R_Eature

    Hey, I didn't know Jill Biden liked to fish!

  • docterry6973

    Transcript of Biden's remarks: Thanks for stopping by, folks. Enjoy the snacks. Jill and I will be in the bus.

    • BadKitty904

      "And it *will* be rockin'. So, please – don't come knockin'. Thanks!"

  • Tundra Grifter

    Look at the camel on that schmuck!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    the bawdy reign of power politics.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Dr. Jill, will you say a few words to the folks?

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, Rush and the Right are worried about their penises shrinking. Doesn't seem to be a problem for Democrats surrounded by all these strong women.

    Conclusion: They must all be lesbians.

  • C_R_Eature

    "Oooh! It's Twoo! It's Twoo!"

  • UW8316154

    THIS!! This is fucking awesome!

    Hey there, Egg Ryan, suck on Handsome Joe's footlong if it's so hard for you.

  • Wadisay

    I hope this comes up during the debates. As it were.

    • YasserArraFeck

      better not have those transparent podiums
      "Congressman, unlike you, Little Joe here really can do a 3 hour marathon……"

      • Wadisay

        Outstanding!

    • emmelemm

      "Schwing!"

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    dr jill looks just fantastic in those little sheath dresses. i realize they are not as elegant as a big wraparound fish shirt, but still pretty sweet.

    • YasserArraFeck

      no birds pecking at her nipples

    • Isyaignert

      Joe hit it out of the park when he married Dr. Jill. I fondly remember when he told the world he said, "Honey, you're a knockout!"

    • bobbert

      She is just cute, and evidently quick as a whip. Just look at her react to the crowd's "Ar har har". Didn't freeze. Didn't try to ignore it. Just played through, charmingly.

      I'm 64. I assure you that in my lifetime we have never had a First and Second Lady of such quality.**

      ** The quality of being regular human beings.

  • calliecallie

    I have loved Joe Biden since the Anita Hill witch trials. So awkward and diplomatic on the topic of pubic hair, he was. Who knew he was hung like Hercules?

    This only makes me love him more.

    • HELisforHEL

      He was very nice when my Mom worked his first campaigns a million years ago. And he appears to have remained pretty damn genuine.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Fucking brilliant in so many ways.

    An audience who caught that and reacted to it.

    Jill just going with it anyhow.

    Joe trying not to die chuckling behind her, and failing.

    So full of win.

    • docterry6973

      Now THAT is how you handle a gaffe. Make a joke and move along. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants.

      Seriously, can there be any doubt that those two crazy kids are in love?

      • bobbert

        Thank you for the little seltzer down the pants. I didn't watch much MTM, but I did see that, and it was cool.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    They are adorable. We should all want to be like that when we are grandparents

    • glasspusher

      Fucking and cracking jokes. Absolutely.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    FINALLY WE GET TO THE SEXY PART!

  • mille derps

    They really are a great couple…

  • WhatTheHeck

    When Joe has his v.p. debate with Ryan, all he has to say, as he reaches for his notes, is, “Excuse me while I just whip this out,” and that should just about settle it.

  • glamourdammerung

    I have a hunch that The Biden slipped that one in there.

    But just look at the guy's smile. The Biden smiles like a man with a foot long penis.

  • randomsausage

    Jill is GILF-tastic. I bet Smokin' Joe gets her to dress up in a Doctor's outfit. I know she can examine me anytime.

    • glasspusher

      "Just lie back, relax, and let the good doctor help you"

  • Nesnora

    Best part— when she rushes over the word "comes" and one lady loses her shit and guffaws in the audience.

  • http://italkyoubored.wordpress.com/ ffredpalakon

    And yes, Dr. Biden will happily take credit for building that.

    • emmelemm

      Or "erecting" that, as it were.

  • Calapine

    Biden/Biden 2016

    Rated: Mature

  • Warpde

    Well, I have 12" too but I don't use it as a rule.

    • Guppy

      A true socialist has 305 mm.

  • VeraSevera

    Thank you for that, Jill. A true Biden moment. And you not only didn't run FROM it, you ran WITH it! And now we know what the problem with Ann Romney is that's been so hard to put a finger on. She HASN'T seen Mittens up close, not for a long, time. Not since she lost those reading glasses….

  • Barrelhse

    Jill, you said a mouthful.

  • docterry6973

    Now THAT is how you handle a gaffe. Make a joke and move along. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down the pants.

    But hey, anyone can see that those two crazy kids are in love.

  • viennawoods13

    That was adorable!

  • TootsStansbury

    I loved this, how life affirming and beautiful.

  • Guppy

    Did he smack her on the ass on the way up to the podium?

  • kingcocrazy

    Handsome Joe Biden is one lucky guy. Jill is hotter than the proverbial $10 pistol and smart as hell, too.

  • Negropolis

    I love this woman; I really do.

    That audience has a dirty mind. Mine didn't go dirty until "the urgency in his voice when he comes."

    PS: Sarah Palin, eat your fucking heart out.

    • bobbert

      The crowd was really ready. If it was Wonkers, I'm disappointed I didn't get an invite.

  • ttommyunger

    She is adorable. The more I see of both of them, the more I love and admire them.

  • http://wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    Hahaha, they are just the best!

  • bobbert

    This is so fucking cute. And spontaneous. And, you know, a teeny bit risque. Dr Jill is shown to be a regular person. Ol' Handsome just lets her work her way out of it.

    I would love to meet these folks. I would only want to meet the Ryans if it gave me an opportunity to punch Pauly in the nuts.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Obama/Biden: The Kielbasa Kings.

  • AznMom420

    That was too close… you were almost a Jill sandwich.