BREAKING: BAD  2:27 pm September 21, 2012

Hey Why Are All These Mexican Mormons Drinking Tequila All The Time Anyway?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

WhooooDoes Mitt Romney secretly drink tequila? (No.) But his Mexican cousins do, in between getting kidnapped by the cartels and then “accidentally” shooting them, also too. In this installment of Vice’s tour through the Mexican Mormon/cartel death match, the Vice hipsters might get killed! (But they do not get killed.)

Parts One, Two, Three and Four.

[Vice]

 
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{ 141 comments }

nounverb911 September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

No caffeine?

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Do they need it?

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

It's simple, the kidnappings happen in Mexico because Americans are too fat to kidnap.

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Perhaps "gravity-challenged" might be more PC?

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

You are right, my bad.

AlterNewt September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

They can be lured into the van with a trail of freedom fries.

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

;0)

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:33 am

They have to kidnap them over there so we don't have to kidnap them over here.

Wait…

Negropolis September 22, 2012 at 1:22 am

I think Mexico is actually the second most obese nation on earth, so we better watch our (fat) asses.

AlterNewt September 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

El jefe es muy blando.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

I haven't watched this series, but I did spend a good chunk of last night watching the entire Mittens tape from the Boca Raton lunch. And if I had had some tequila with me, I probably would've woken up in a tree this morning.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Are you OK? I mean, I can't imagine the horror of the whole tape.
*shudder*

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I took notes, so I'm gonna check them and see what they say later tonight. Fortunately the last 15 minutes of the second part is just sounds of silverware clinking and distant conversation, since Mitt stops talking.

However, the part I found most interesting that hasn't been mentioned yet so far as I know, is that Mitt said Obama's "failure to get a status of forces agreement that kept 10-20,000 troops in Iraq" was unthinkable. It was the most emphatic he got the whole time, and he's certain it's responsible for our perceived weakness all over the world.

So just in case anyone tells you that there's no difference between the Republicans and the Democrats — if Mitt had had his way, we'd still have troops getting blown up in Baghdad.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:18 pm

And, soon, Iran!

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Exactly — we didn't have them almost surrounded for nothing.

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 3:37 pm

I for one welcome your new avatar-verlord, Mittwit-meister Borg!

AlterNewt September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

In the olden times we drank in the tree and woke up on the ground. Fucking gravity!

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Clearly, you weren't drinking enough.

AlterNewt September 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

That was the general consensus at the time.

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Now you've got me realizing what's been missing from my life.
Making my way up a tree to the first seatable limb with drink in tow.
Even better: masquerade as a tricker-treater come Halloween, and haul that sugary stash up said tree afterwards w/ thermos close at hand (i.e. in backpack). Howl at moon and throw candy at genuine trick-or-treaters still cruising the street below.. Kind of like Mardi Gras in reverse, Spook-tober style.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 3:29 pm

We'll have to hang out in my magnolia tree — it seats two safely, with alcohol.

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Brilliant. I'm bringing the Bulleit. Neighborhood kids better beware!

YouBetcha September 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

This again?

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Right? It's like a commercial or something.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Ay, yai yai yai, I am Tequila Banditooooooooooooooo!

Someone let me know when they get to bunga-bunga, K?

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Those damned Tequilabaggers…

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Wait, you can do that?

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

HEY WHY ARE ALL THESE MEXICAN MORMONS DRINKING TEQUILA ALL THE TIME ANYWAY

Besides being a polygamist, Joseph Smith was quite the drinker. No LDS rules for him.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:37 am

The LDS rules were a reaction to him getting himself lynched?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Drunk Mormons? Dogs and Cats living together?

It's the end times people!

UnholyMoses September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Yes, but do the Messican Mormons spray their faces orange to look more Messicanny?

Mittens Howell, III September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I'm waiting for number 7, then I'm gonna watch them all backwards

Senor McCartney is dead … Senor McCartney is dead …

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Enterré a mi periquito en el patio trasero. ¡Oh, no, estás jugando el registro hacia atrás. Cuidado, te pueden arruinar su aguja….Enterré a mi periquito en el patio trasero. ¡Oh, no, estás jugando el registro hacia atrás. Cuidado, te pueden arruinar su aguja…Enterré a mi periquito en el patio trasero. ¡Oh, no, estás jugando el registro hacia atrás. Cuidado, te pueden arruinar su aguja

Boojum September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I'm not sure which side to root for.

Texan_Bulldog September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Unless Ryan Gosling is disrobing in one of these, I'm probably not gonna have time to watch them.

Baconzgood September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Friends don't let friends Tequila and karaoke.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

They encourage it!

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:38 am

What??? That's the whole point of karaoke.

Sharkey September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I'm pretty sure there's no alcohol in tequila.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

It's the lime that gets you drunk.

Negropolis September 22, 2012 at 1:24 am

You're doing it wrong.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Is it O'Douls™ tequila?

YasserArraFeck September 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Hm…fake Irish alcohol-free tequila – sounds like shite in a shot glass

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You can see how it could make those guys a little stabby…

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm

"A little," is it?

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 3:35 pm

You are looking kinda stabby too, also. Or is it just your new avatar?

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:40 am

Yeah. There's a tiny condom in the bottle.

ShreditorsDesk September 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Por que mi burro tiene zapatos y sombrero. no van a disparar a mí.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

I think the one on the right is Heisenberg.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I'm just not sure.

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I'm uncertain, but agree, in principle…

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Sorry, that's Planck…

OneDollarJuana September 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Mexican Mormons drink tequila because it's safer than the water. Except in Oaxaca, wher they drink mezcal.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Which has worms in it, so HA! upon your safer!

Antispandex September 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

"Hey Why Are All These Mexican Mormons Drinking Tequila All The Time Anyway?"

I can't even believe you are seriously asking that question.Is that really you, Rebecca?

MissTaken September 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I always thought there was something worm-like about Mittens.

YasserArraFeck September 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

but it was bigger 50 years ago, apparently

MissTaken September 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

As a feminist I gladly take the blame for Mitt's shrunken dick.

AlterNewt September 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

That's very big of you.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

But not of Mitt

Blueb4sinrise September 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Damn.

skmind September 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Why? Because Mexican Mormons retroactively get on the wagon.

hagajim September 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

DOH! The polygamists dropped the relative card…not that we didn't all know that anyway.

Goonemeritus September 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

I can’t bring myself to snark on these guys, even though separatist religious movements scare me I hate to see any group terrorized. And Hipster bashing aside Vice has done a compelling job on this documentary.

Redgyal September 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I don't know. Something seems forced about it. Not buying it.

Negropolis September 22, 2012 at 1:27 am

I think that's exactly where my sympathy ends. They weren't forced out of the United States. This was a conscious choice on their part, and Mexico was no less lawless when they made the move. Everybody in northern Mexico is a potential victim. I guess what I'm saying is that I care no more or less about their plight than any of the other folks under constant threat in that region.

MissTaken September 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Little known fact: Ann can only swallow Mitt with some salt and lime.

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Ew now I need some brain bleach for that image in my head.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:54 pm

I call bullshit. Ann hires help with that.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I bet he tastes like Vaseline and chalk.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I ain't taking that bet, because it means someone would have to find out.

OneDollarJuana September 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Is it true that when Queen Anne is satisfied she says, "just stop".

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm

"Just stop, you penis"

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Is it true that Queen Anne will ever be satisfied?

YasserArraFeck September 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

"Willard – get in the ring"

How Ann signals her desire for the buttsechs

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Ew. Just…ew.

sbj1964 September 21, 2012 at 2:49 pm

They are Mormon not Muslims.If something gets in the way of your sacred text just skip what the book said.Plural marriage gone for Statehood.It's all just made up shit any ways.Even they know it.

fuflans September 21, 2012 at 2:50 pm

OT – so mitt thinks releasing his taxes now will help?

wtf? who IS running this campaign? i thought it was squirrels but squirrels have more focus.

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Whenever he's in trouble, he desperately tries to change the subject. It ain't working.

prommie September 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Naked squirrels?

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

2011 is nothing. it's the early 2000s to determine if Bain committed a felony on their corporate filings or 2009 to see if he took that sweet sweet get out of jail special amnesty for hiding income.

fuflans September 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

oh i know. as usual 10 weeks late and many many MANY dollars short. i was merely wondering who thinks this will help / is a good idea / works as a viable distraction for us people.

MissTaken September 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Nobody gives a poop-stain about his 2011 return, it's the early 2000 years that are most telling. Did he take advantage of amnesty repatriation programs? Did he write off stud fees for Rafalca? That's what we care about, Mitt.

UnholyMoses September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

who IS running this campaign?

People who have decided that winning the news cycle is the same as winning an election.

Add in a belief that they can't win without that narrow minded 27% (a.k.a., the GOP base) and you get the disaster that has been his campaign — one that not even the media can accept as honest.

I mean, dear fucking lawd. A guy who had major centrist credentials losing the Village? A rich Republican who used to run the Kennedy State?! That's the kind of candidate that could have caused a stiffy for them — hell, even dead David Broder could have been aroused.

But … wow. They're making the Walnuts/Caribou Barbie campaign team look nimble and well thought out by comparison.

It will truly be seen in future years as one of the worst — if not THE worst — presidential campaign in history. It really will.

BadKitty904 September 21, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Chipmunks. Obviously chipmunks.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 3:26 pm

wtf? who IS running this campaign?

Basil Fawlty. It has to be.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You're always Finding Fawlt, CRE.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I've upfisted you, in spite of the terrible Pun, because you've been kind enough to deploy that Mittens Robot avatar. Nicely done.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Mittens has been bungling it so bad of late, I srsly thought about deploying my Weedlord Bonerhitler av instead, but, you know. I don't want to jinx anyone but Mitty till the 'leckshuns are over.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 21, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Nerd Alert!
Totally OT but the Ig Nobel awards are out. Video at this link. It looks like the ceremony started around 48:00 mark
http://www.improbable.com/ig/2012/

.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 3:36 pm

The saddest thing about this year's awards is the winner, the Kurihara /Tsukada Device, will one day replace Miss Sweety Poo.

I mourn for our traditions.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I don't know. Miss SweetyPoo, while very sweet indeed, was pretty fucking annoying, too. Presumably a mechanical device may be hurled about in a high dudgeon with few unfortunate results.

prommie September 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Hoggamous, higgamous
Men are polygamous.
Higgamous, hoggamous
women, monogamous.

I think thats Thurber. I think he was criticizing the double-standard, not saying "yay" for it.

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"I wish Mitt would contact us."

Uh, yeah, he describes his father as a "refugee" from you guys.

CrunchyKnee September 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm

What's next, a Wonket version of "Dos & Don'ts" ala the hipster paper of record?

prommie September 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

The Mormons have a doctrine that says that God may work through the actions of men who are unaware, and who even are in fact corrupt and think they are lying.

I mean this. They trot out this doctrine when, for example, it is pointed out that Joseph Smith's purported "translation" of this egyption papyri he bought from a travelling carnival (true story) in which he said it was the "manuscript" of The Book Of Abraham, supposedly written down by the very hand of yes that Old Testament prophet Abraham, is a totally spurious complete fraud and that the papyri in question is a standard version of The Book Of The Dead. More below.

prommie September 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

OK, this totally mind-blowing Mormon doctrine, what the Mormon 'theologians" (I think "con artists" is more like it) say is:
"so what, so alright, Joseph Smith was, as far as his conscious awareness, a complete fraud, swindler, and con artist. But you see, that does not mean that God could not use him to convey Truth by conveying truth to him, even though Smith thought he was just making it up."

So, says this theory, God was making Smith write the truth even though Smith thought he was making shit up. Aint that a fucking pip, as my dad used to say? Thats some catch, that catch-22. And everyone has a share.

rickmaci September 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Pious deception. It's really not a lie if "good" comes from being untruthful. I have been trying for weeks to explain this to people without much experience with LDS. They look at me with a "you're just a fucking crazy paranoid atheist" look.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm

Oh, tell them to look up "heavenly deception" — it's not just a unification church meme either — christian and muslim sects have adopted it (and I'm sure jewish ones too, though I can't think of any specific examples) and even Buddhists justify not being completely honest with a parable about if your house is on fire and you have to get your children out of it, but can't explain to them what fire is because there isn't time, it's better to tell them you have candy and they should come out and get it.

Essentially it's lying for a greater good, and is an almost universal article of faith.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 1:11 am

That's some pretty advanced Mormon meta-apologia. Most of the Mormons I know still regard Joe as unassailable. The inconvenience of the Book of Abraham is dismissed as a slight spacetime error — i.e., there actually is a Book of Abraham somewhere, and Joe was just translating it because of a metaphysical tuning-in problem

I occasionally make fun of Mormon beliefs, because it's so easy. But really, the only difference between their myths and those of the "mainstream" religions is elapsed time (also, the Hindus and Buddhists pretty much regard their myths as myths, rather than literal history).

As I grow older, I become more atheistic. But I also have come to realize that religious faith can be a blessing to those who have troubles in life. My view now is: (1) If it helps you to be a better person, believe in whatever you want to. (2) You are free to try to persuade others to share your beliefs, but you may not even think about compelling them to do so.

prommie September 22, 2012 at 10:43 am

Darn you and your humane, intelligent, and compassionate attitude! I like my sneering contempt, and now you have made me ashamed of myself!

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Well, hell. If I had to be a Mexican Mormon all I'd do is drink Tequila.

Oh, yeah: and Rob people.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Mitt Romney does the robbing part just fine, and the Banditos seem to be doing OK.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Mitt doesn't do the robbing himself. He has people for that.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 4:25 pm

I'll have my people rob your people …

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Let's Rob Lunch!

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:24 pm

"I wish Mitt would show up – I think we could really help him…." It'd be like the Iranian hostage situation all over again, except with Obama instead of Carter, but -oops – they still wouldn't be able to bring Mitt back, sorry…..

prommie September 21, 2012 at 3:29 pm

One of the oldest jokes in the book that gentiles who live in Mormon territory tell is "never go hunting with just ONE mormon, he'll drink all your beer." If you go with two, each will be so afraid the other will tell on him that your beer will be safe.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:44 pm

OT, but — anybody else having serious problems with ID? Like having to log in repeatedly, or not being able to reply?

If it's just me, I'll worry.

Thurman Munster IV September 21, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Time to reprogram and reboot the mittborg.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Dude, dude.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:32 pm

It's just one of ID's episodic fuckups. Happening to everyone. Not just you.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm

I guess it's been a while, huh? Musta rolled out a patch. So far I've had to refresh the page every time I post a response, and that usually lands me in Nomanlandia, so I can painstakingly hunt down my response, if it exists at all, by scrolling through each and every comment. And after all that, sometimes ID just done eated it. Om, nom, nom.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 1:13 am

It's just you.

Edit ;>)

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 1:52 am

You horrible horrible person, you. :)

So, who's the person in the photo, because it looks an awful lot like someone I used to work with.

DocChaos September 21, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Keep the multiple bitchez and fuck that no drinking shit – the kind of Mormonism I could get down with.

BTWBFDIMHO September 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm

No Country for 47% of Old Men.

ttommyunger September 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Nice to know Mittens has family he can go to after he gets his pasty white ass handed to him this Fall.

Negropolis September 22, 2012 at 1:05 am

Once upon a time in Mexico…and that one time at band camp…

DahBoner September 22, 2012 at 1:10 am

But where's the vegetarian breakfast burritos in that town?

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

As near as makes no never-mind.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Man, you are SHARP. I was hoping I'd get away with it a while longer. (Hugs you anyway)

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Naw, I'm feeling pretty fucking stabby this morning. Threw my back out yesterday, can't walk, and as if that wasn't bad enough, ID is fucking with me. I have to keep refreshing, it keeps showing my comments as doubles, and I'm trying to remember if you're mille feuilles.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Yeah, I ain't superstitious, but there's no sense tempting Fate. Good choice.

Fair Warning: Dok's post up page has a picture of Meemaw. Do. Not. Look.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:44 am

We're all looking forward to Weedlord Bonerhitler, but don't rush it.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Mumblety and Wookies sittin' in a tree
D-R-I-N-K-I-N-G…

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 4:11 pm

and and AND:

A House of Worship within… spittin' distance!

(sorry Baby Jesus). Ahem, you know I don't mean that.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Hey — you know what I've never done in a church?

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Are mille-feuilles the same as Napoleons? Haven't ever tried 'em.

Doubt it will make you any happier, but ID has been screwy for many Wonketeers lately- esp. the live-blog thread…

I'm sorry about your back. I know a couple of people who had some back & joint problems said who said they got a lot of relief from increasing vitamin D to 5,000 IU daily. Actually, a couple of ladies went up to 10,000 IU daily, but they had autoimmune conditions… http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22956345 http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22776787

Dudleydidwrong September 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I have.

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Depends.. Is it kind of like what The Clash meant by "Rockin' the Casbah"?

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Yes, they are, which means you must be Arborista, my many-leaved friend, because you would know being a baker and all. And if that made no sense to ya, don't worry, it didn't make much sense to me either.

I take a wheelbarrow full of vitamin D, so that's not it, I don't think. I think it's the repeated strain of working this enormous hillside. Next year I'm a pay somebody else to do the hill.

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Did you go apse?

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 8:08 pm

I don't know — I thought The Clash just meant they were rockin' the Casbah. But I was just talking about drinking the communion wine.

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 8:33 pm

Piff! and, ew. *I* had in mind going and offering assistance w/ casting out their demons.. baptized in the name of the Guinness, Stout and Holy Foamyhead…
(among other things)…

just meant they were rockin' the Casbah

you should double check w/ urbandictionary, maybe~

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Sounds like a good plan (to have someone else working the hill). Do as much as you enjoy doing, & let someone else do the difficult bits. But why wait until next year?

Yes, I was Arborista & probably will be again- I like trees.

MittBorg September 21, 2012 at 11:00 pm

The hill's done for this year. Nothing left to cut down, which is why I have a bad back, bad leg, and two bad arms. :)

I suspected as much. It's tough to admit you can't do the shit you used to, yaknow? Whatever, I guess.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:36 am

You guys are way more complicated than I am. I just stopped going.

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 1:51 am

It tickles me … well, not pink … that there are those among us who look forward to the advent of Weedlord Bonerhitler.

mille derps September 22, 2012 at 3:37 pm

What were you cutting down? (We have no hills where I live- that's why they call it the Lowcountry…)

So, it's the Jewish New Year & a good time for making resolutions- so resolve to get some help with the manual labor next year…

MittBorg September 22, 2012 at 3:54 pm

We have some pretty tall weeds out here. :) Mostly fennel that's run wild, and the buddleia has to be pruned hard in the spring because of the codling moth (? I think it's codling); echium fastuosum grows wild on the lower hill and suffers serious dieback yearly. The deadwood is enormous, hard and brittle, and must be broken off the main plant and then broken down and schlepped down the hill. Nasty stabby shit, but the bees love the flowers. Also we haz the bougainvillea. It's about 20 feet high and still growing the rotten bastid. Rescued it when it was a single inch-thick woody branch with three pathetic sprays.

I'm resolving, I'm resolving already.

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