YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION?  12:01 pm September 23, 2012

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook For Your Home-Schooled Darlings

by Doktor Zoom

I was once an adventurer like you. But then I took an Eskimo child to the knee.Welcome back, hearty Time Tourists, to our continued explorations of a 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective (A Beka Book, 1997). We’re up to the 18th century now, so you know what that means! The Age Of Enlightenment, that heady time when brilliant thinkers like Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, Jefferson, and Paine freed the human mind from the darkness of superstition and tyranny, bringing a new spirit of egalitarianism and liberty! Or, more likely, tyranny, atheism, and death!

As the editors of World History would have it,

The Enlightenment was a movement that attempted to apply unaided human philosophy to all areas of man’s life in order to establish a new social order. In their quest for a “perfect” society, the philosophers of the French Enlightenment denounced Christianity and attacked the traditional institutions of home, church, and government…. Reacting to the superstition, hypocrisy, and cold formalism of the Roman church, the Enlightenment philosophers rejected Christianity entirely (p. 304).

Oh, right. It must actually have been pretty awful, then, mustn’t it?

In a strange editorial decision, World History actually places its chapter on “The Enlightenment and the French Revolution” ahead of its chapter on the American colonies, the “Great Awakening,” and the American Revolution, even though the Declaration of Independence preceded the storming of the Bastille by 13 years. This break from linear narrative seems to be solely for the purpose of underlining the text’s insistence that the French Revolution represented godless humanism run amok, while the American break with Britain “had the benefit of righteousness, a characteristic that always brings God’s blessing” (p. 339). (We wonder how many 10th graders get the impression from this book that the American founders learned from those bad French guys’ excesses and did their revolution right.)

So just how terrible was the Enlightenment? Well, look at those terrible philosophes, which is French for “Jesus-haters.”

  • Voltaire: “openly attacked Christianity in the name of reason. He said that random chance, rather than God’s providence, governed the world. Although he tried on several occasions to disprove the Bible, the “facts” he wielded against the Bible were later proven to be untrue.”
  • You will no doubt be astonished to learn that we are given no details about any of this, but it is reassuring to know that Voltaire lost that one.

  • Jean-Jacques Rousseau: “rejected the Scriptural teachings regarding man’s sin nature [sic], believing instead that man is naturally good, but society is bad.…in his book The Social Contract, he called for a new order of society founded upon the ‘general will of the people,’ which allowed the people to overthrow their government and institutions as they pleased. Another of Rousseau’s works, Emile, helped to formulate modern ideas about permissive child rearing and progressive education. Many modern educators, social planners, environmentalists, and “free thinkers” have been heavily influenced by Rousseau’s ideas.”
  • That…monster!

  • England Rejects Foofy French Humanist Madness: “In England, such concepts as individual liberty and limited representative government were both strengthened and restrained by the spiritual revival which swept through the land in the 1700s. In France, however, Biblical Christianity, the one thing that can make modern political ideas workable in any country, had been driven out of the country with the [Protestant] Huguenots” (p. 305).

And did we mention that the English weren’t filthy Papists? That’s really very important. We also look forward to an explanation of how modern Japan, for just one example, has a thriving representative democracy despite its utter lack of Biblical Christianity, while Uganda, which is run by Bible-believing Protestants, is kind of, you know, fascist-y.

So anyway, the French, inflamed by all this atheistic enlightening (oh, and a buch of monarchical badness played into it, too), have their little revolution, whose motto is “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Death,” (which is historically accurate, and scary because atheists, whereas Vermont’s New Hampshire’s [we r dum, sorry] license plates are inspiring). And then comes Robespierre, the Terror and the guillotine. This was all due, of course, to Enlightenment atheism:

It is no coincidence that the Reign of Terror was bloodiest at the same time was at its peak. [citation needed] …Radicals in Paris declared that the Revolution would not be complete until it had “dethroned the King of Heaven as well as the kings of the earth.” (p. 310)

Needless to say, the text does not explore the possibility that the French revolutionaries were ideologically-crazed zealots infected with an absolute certainty of their own righteousness. It was the atheism that done it. But what other horrors unfolded?

To avoid dating history by the birth of Christ, they declared the year 1792 to be the Year I … weeks were declared to be ten days long rather than seven … It is said that people and even horses were physically unable to cope with ignoring God’s law of one day of rest in every seven. The revolutionaries also devised a new system of weights and measures, the metric system, because the old system reminded of the kings and aristocrats who had established it (p. 309).

The editors don’t actually say that right-thinking Christians must reject the Godless metric system, but we have to admit this is literally the first time we’ve ever heard that a system of weights and measures was mostly the product of spite.
Emo-leon Bummerpart

And then there’s Napoleon. Just to make sure there’s no mistaking him for a hero, World History eschews the most familiar paintings of the self-crowned emperor, and instead uses a severely-cropped version of Delaroche’s 1845 “Napoleon Abdicated in Fontainebleau,” and for good measure, gives it a good OJ-ing (Horatio Nelson, “considered by some to be the greatest naval hero the world has ever known,” gets a nice traditional history-book portrait). We are unsure whether the editors hate Napoleon more for being a tyrant, being French, or for making peace with the Pope. Haha, don’t be silly, it’s all of the above.

And so, to sum up, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GOOD resulted from the Enlightenment or the French Revolution:

The French Revolution gave the world an illustration of the consequences of humanism and the rejection of Christian values and morality. The people of France sought rights without responsibilities, liberties without restraints, and the result was bloodshed, anarchy and ultimately tyranny. Although the majority of the world’s great statesmen and thinkers who lived at the time recognized the moral errors of revolutionary France, many people have romanticized it over the years since, particularly socialists and others who saw in it the great potential to institute radical changes over a short period of time (p. 316).

Thank goodness we are finally finished with those icky French! You will be delighted to know that the very next chapter of World History is titled “England and America: Quest for Freedom.”

Next week: Jesus hands the Constitution to George Washington while personally helping to sew the flag.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 415 comments }

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm

There's a blurb on the back of this textbook from Voltaire:

"This is the best of all possible textbooks."

Callyson September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it.
Voltaire

Yeah, what he said…

memzilla September 23, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Against laughter, nothing can stand." — Mark Twain

Jukesgrrl September 23, 2012 at 2:12 pm

On the website, there's also a blurb from Descartes, "I don't think, therefore I buy this book."

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I like the blurb from William Henry Harrison: "Tippecanoe and atheists too."

Chet Kincaid_ September 23, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Deft.

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 10:43 am

Deft Plonk?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Dr. Pangloss FTW.

Chichikovovich September 23, 2012 at 4:56 pm

"The Lisbon 1755 of textbooks"

Yellerdawg September 24, 2012 at 9:14 am

I heard Cunegonde is doing DWS this season!

ManchuCandidate September 23, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Those filthy cheeze eating surrender monkey atheists! If only they weren't inspired by the US Amercian revolution then god wouldn't have punished them for being French.

/inconvenient facts distorted by US Amercian prejudices/

ifthethunderdontgetya September 23, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Is that picture a fake, or did Jesus park his dinosaur in the garage?
~

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Jesus had a car elevator, like the Flintstones did. He was a spiritual one-percenter dontchaknow.

SorosBot September 23, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I don't know, those French revolutionaries had some good ideas on how to treat the super-rich.

trampndirtdown September 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Al Franken on class warfare.

“Any time that a liberal points out that the wealthy are disproportionately benefiting from Bush’s tax policies, Republicans shout, “class warfare!”
In her book A Distant Mirror: The Calamitous Fourteenth Century, Barbara Tuchman writes about a peasant revolt in 1358 that began in the village of St. Leu and spread throughout the Oise Valley. At one estate, the serfs sacked the manor house, killed the knight, and roasted him on a spit in front of his wife and kids. Then, after ten or twelve peasants violated the lady, with the children still watching, they forced her to eat the roasted flesh of her dead husband and then killed her.

That is class warfare.

Arguing over the optimum marginal tax rate for the top one percent is not.”

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I would follow Al Franken through the gates of Mitt Romney's enclave and light the fire for the roasting. I will not, repeat, NOT, be one of the Egg violators.

sewollef September 24, 2012 at 8:44 am

At one estate, the serfs sacked the manor house, killed the knight, and roasted him on a spit in front of his wife and kids. Then, after ten or twelve peasants violated the lady, with the children still watching, they forced her to eat the roasted flesh of her dead husband and then killed her.

Shit a brick. People were seriously angry in the 14th century. I wonder what the knight said that upset the citizens so?

Maybe we can bottle it and sell it at K-Mart, then sit back with beer in hand and watch the festivities.

KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm

If this is a Christian nation, why don't they just kill all the atheists? I mean, God would be all for that shit, wouldn't He?

sbj1964 September 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

If you kill all the atheist then you have nothing left except ignorant people who will worship any statue they are told to.The Gods of man according to human history number in the 10's of thousands.the 4 Christian gods Yahweh,Jesus,Casper,and Satan who the bible claims is the lord of the earth are just some of the latest players in the game.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

??

I thought Casper was the ghost of Richie Rich?

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:30 pm

My ten year old believes in them all. Every God whose name reaches his eyes or ears gains a believer. The boy is keeping fairies alive all by himself.

sbj1964 September 23, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Gods are fragile things they can be killed with a dash of common sense,or a good science book.Fairies are a different story.Tuff nasty little fuckers,and don't even get me started on Pixies.I hate Pixies.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Pictsies, on the other hand, are pretty awesome, as long as you don't mind the occasional stolen sheep.

Crivens!

salt_bagel September 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

The lord of the Pixies, Black Francis, is pretty much unkillable.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 24, 2012 at 1:00 am

Sounds like a pretty great kid! :)

I have a 10-yr-old son, too. Best part of my life.

WhatTheHeck September 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Why doesn’t god kill all atheists hisself, or is he resting 7 days a week now?

Charlie_Foxtrot September 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

Don't listen to the Christians. Christians hate atheists. God loves atheists. God loves Christians, too, even though they hate so many of His children He loves dearly.

IndianaKevin September 24, 2012 at 6:19 am

If He killed all of them, His children would have no one to look down upon, and that's important to the Almighty.

Steverino247 September 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Don't give those fuckers any ideas, okay?

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Don't worry. They're all "pro-life." Duh. ;-)

sewollef September 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

Seriously. Jest ye not, for fear it comes to fruition.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Killing atheists is like pulling out a gray hair … you just end up with more of them in the end…

swordfis September 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm

If the Founding Fathers had read this textbook they would have added "ROFL" to the Declaration of Independence.

Excellent point about Japan.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Well, except for the Yakuza part.

Angry_Marmot September 23, 2012 at 5:19 pm

And the radioactive lizards.

vodkamuppet September 23, 2012 at 7:40 pm

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, can haz teh justice, for teh LULZ, Bro…

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:47 pm

The DecLOLaration of Independence, perhaps?

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 12:31 am

Life, Liberty, an' teh pursuit of mai BUCKITT!!

AlterNewt September 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm

See also:

"The Age of Reason Begins; Then Flames Out and Dies a Prolonged and Painful Death"

by Will and Ariel Durant.

MLHencken September 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm

No mention of FOUNDING FATHER! Benjamin Franklin's liberal enjoyment of the comforts of French culture, French Women, French Wine and philosophy?

Whoopsie.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Benn Franklin was the "Uncle" Joe Biden of his time.

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Have you seen him "up close"?

WhatTheHeck September 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ole Ben personally took it upon himself to inject American family values into as many French women as possible. He served his country with patriotic fervor.

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I think Bill Clinton has his reincarnated genitalia.

ProgressiveInga September 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

"Fart Proudly".

The End.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm

If Volltaire and Rousseau are getting hosed, I'm pretty sure their American counterparts Franklin and Jefferson are going to get short shrift in this book.

Another prediction: Lucretius doesn't make it into the index. They aren't about to admit to mere mortals having good ideas, before Jeebus came along and gave them all to us.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Don't be silly, the Borg are science fiction anyway!

PubOption September 23, 2012 at 8:44 pm

One managed to play tennis in the real world.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:37 pm

And, he was Bjorn again.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Oh, don't worry, these home-schoolers are not ignoring Franklin. They think he wrote half the Bible they are sure they are interpreting literally:

God helps those who help themselves.
Moderation in all things.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
Work as if you were to live a hundred years. Pray as if you were to die tomorrow.
Even peace may be purchased at too high a price.
And such like. They think it's all in Proverbs.

Weenus299 September 24, 2012 at 10:20 am

Franklin was too busy deciding if the sun on the back of Washington's chair was a rising one or a setting one, because he snorted too many lines of coke from the naked back of a hot lady French person the night before and was feeling a little worn out.

no_gravity September 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I'm surprised the A Beka Book passed over the true root cause of the French (and Russian) Revolutions as the European rejection of the Ptolemaic geocentric view of the universe and replacing it with the evil Copernican Heliocentric view of the solar system. Of course the American Revolution was nothing less than Manifest Destiny: The Prequel.

weejee September 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm

It was manifestly obvious the flounders had to bring the love of Jebus to the savages out the barrel of a gun.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm

That subject is currently being covered on the TV show "Hell on Wheels."

DCBloom September 23, 2012 at 3:49 pm

That's my new fav, great show!

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

If you have a comment about the flounders, shouldn't you be addressing it to swordfis and/or Sharkey?

Lot_49 September 24, 2012 at 1:28 am

I want to hear more about this ten-day week. How many of those ten days do you get off?

ThundercatHo September 24, 2012 at 6:51 am

Suppose that would depend on the willingness of your partner and/or the richness of your imagination. AOTK?

Lot_49 September 24, 2012 at 6:57 am

Ha! and ha, again!

frostbitefalls September 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

This reminds me of a great story about Voltaire.

As he was dying, some busybody Catholic decided to call in a priest to offer last rites. The priest leaned over him and asked, "Do you renounce Satan?"

Voltaire replied, "This is no time to be making new enemies."

I will never check the veracity of this story because it's too good.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

It's a far better story than the completely made-up one that a LOT of Christianists like to repeat, which is that although Voltaire predicted that the Bible would go out of print within a century, when he died, his own home was purchased by the "Geneva Bible Society" and housed a printing press that daily produced more and more of the books which so vexed that horrid atheist (actually more of a Deist, but whatevs).

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

As he was dying, some busybody Catholic decided to call in a priest to offer last rites. The priest leaned over him and asked, "Do you renounce Satan?"

Voltaire replied, "This is no time to be making new enemies."

Oh, that was gud. That was real gud. Who knew that Voltaire was a Wonketter?

AlterNewt September 24, 2012 at 1:46 am

His correspondence shows that he most assuredly could have been…

http://cco.cambridge.org/extract?id=ccol978052184

Blueb4sinrise September 23, 2012 at 12:16 pm

DOKTORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!

Anyway,
I'm just glad they didn't highlight Kant or Spinoza.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Or Martin Bieber! Or Lex Luther!

Blueb4sinrise September 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Sondra Locke! OMG!!!

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Hey, this is fun. Don't forget Calvin Hobbes.

Sondra was a cutie.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'll bet Sondra Locke *really* enjoyed the GOP convention.

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Or Justin Bieber or Rex Harrison.

KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

or the Marx Brothers or Julian Lennon

Chichikovovich September 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Baron D'Hollaback Girl

mille derps September 23, 2012 at 3:10 pm

No love for Cartesian Wells?

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:33 pm

They Kant.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 8:10 pm

But Madeleine Kahn

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 9:22 pm

It's Twue.

YasserArraFeck September 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Holy Schwanstucker, Batman!!

OurDailyBread September 23, 2012 at 11:58 pm

A fundamentalist couldn't understand the "Prolegomena to Any Future Metaphysics" "The Critique of Pure Reason" is right out.

WABishop September 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

I applaud your meta-sarcasm of making "Live Free or Die" the motto of Vermont's, and not New Hampshire's, license plates.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 12:41 pm

No, that's just Teh Stoopid. I'm'a go fix that.

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Vermont's motto is "Freedom and Unity". That's pretty funny, too.

Veritas78 September 23, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I thought it was "Pot and Soshulism."

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

And 3 months of lousy skiing.

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:35 pm

That's California.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:48 pm

Last year, no shit.

weejee September 23, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Their text needz moar Age of Reason, but they prob'ly thought that was a Paine in the arse.

no_gravity September 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

If they understood what he was talking about they would have robespierred him.

Freewayblogger September 23, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Q: If 100 million Americans think that abortion is child murder, why aren't all abortion clinics surrounded 24/7 by thousands of protesters?

A: It's not that important to them.

Bezoar September 23, 2012 at 3:57 pm

And, probly most of them have had children.

MissNancyPriss September 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm

and had abortions

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:03 pm

This.

Abortion is "murder"…until they have one, and then it magically becomes sensible family planning…but then only for them. For everyone else, it's still murder. Hypocrites.

jannut September 23, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Oh yes. Their abortions are always necessary, and their love affairs always beautiful.

pinkocommi September 23, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Is the Enlightenment the part of history where Christians burned people at the stake for being witches because they had too many moles, liked cats, or floated (or didn't float) in water. And then the people admitted to being witches after being water boarded – which is the same "non-torture" the US used on terrorists. Altogether my favorite highlight of Christian history.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:41 pm

They just got a little carried away with the baptism/dunking thing.

DCBloom September 23, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Witch burnings were fun, but i prefer the Inquisition

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The Inquisiiiition, what a show!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Those idiots believed some ridiculous woo back then. Today, we know waterboarding is OK because … umm …. never mind.

jqheywood September 24, 2012 at 12:45 am

What else floats in water?

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 12:45 am

Baby Ruths?

Mumbletypeg September 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm

weeks were declared to be ten days long rather than seven…

As all creatures great and small can be admonished in today's pious bumper-sticker terms: "Seven Days Without Jesus Makes One Weak."

…It is said that people and even horses were physically unable to cope with ignoring God’s law of one day of rest in every seven.

Beasts of burden, I'll agree, deserve an extra three days of rest, but keep it at 7-day cycles please.. Oh and for the oxen and asses as well.
Happy Equine-Ox everybody!

JustPixelz September 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Timecube?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 4:44 pm
KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I can't wait until we get to the part where our great and prosperous (and Godly! don't forget Godly!) nation overran all other nations because of greed and covetousness.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Theirs or ours?

PubOption September 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Also, more murders are committed in the USA than in ungodly nations where the ten commandments are not as highly publicized.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

This probably has nothing to do with guns, probably.

KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I won't deny that machetes aren't as efficient, but they are as effective.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Radio helps.

Chet Kincaid_ September 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Don't get carried away, enlightened non-American nations carried out most of the Colonialist exploitation, and still reap the benefits.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Yes, it's a shame we missed out. Bad timing. We got sidetracked by Manifest Destiny and genocide closer to home, plus that whole "persons held to service" thing, while the Europeans were free to civilize Africa and Asia.

Can't wait to hear about Westward Ho next week!

YasserArraFeck September 23, 2012 at 10:30 pm

we clearly didn't exercise good smallpox blanket management

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:54 pm

We cannot allow there to be a smallpox blanket gap!

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Or was it that the management was just right?

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

People who lie to me I can deal with. People who lie to themselves are beyond hope (and probably salvation).

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 12:49 pm

How about people who lie to kids, in a textbook?

No, no, not evil and mendacious! "Job creators!"

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Somewhere between pedophiles and Republicans.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Is that like being between a rock and a hard place?

Pragmatist2 September 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

No but close. Actually it is like being between a hard place and Iraq.

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm

More like between a rock and louder, more obvious rock.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Somewhere between the Sandusky and the Pope?

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I'm wondering which of those is lower.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Redundant, or which one of those comes first or last.

StealthMuslin September 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It would be faster and achieve the same end if the home-schoolers just beat their kids over their heads with these textbooks.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Not really. Kids have a chance of recovery from bruises.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm

In the long run, that would probably be a lot less damaging than messing with the insides of their heads.

Rotundo_ September 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm

They would have a much better grasp of history using the beating method. If there is something like "anti-knowledge" this text is it.

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Not to mention that much of history involved quite a bit of beating.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Plus, the "beating method" is great for abstinence teaching. Nobody gets pregnant! Two birds one stone, or is that the other way around?

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Nothing teaches a child Christianity like a tramatic brain injury.

poorgradstudent September 23, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Holy crap, as someone who specializes in seventeenth and eighteenth century France and England, that was agonizing to read, even in excerpts. And they couldn't give Rousseau any credit? After all, he both wrote that women should be kept out of politics and that young boys should never be left alone or else they'd jerk off the first chance they got.

I'm also amused that their anti-French agenda leads them to make no distinction whatsoever between atheists and Deists, and ignore that there were *gasp* Deists and Atheists in England too! Plus that old disgust with papal priestcraft also led to things in England like the publication in 1705 of Henry Staubb's Rise and Progress of Mahometanism, probably the first published sympathetic portrayal of Islam in European history, but Allah knows we can't bring that up…

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Yeah, Rousseau should get some credit. After all, look at all those nice tropical paintings he did.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

That was a different Rousseau.
They should make a movie about the two of them, and call it "Louis Louis".

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

There is NEVER enough room for everything, I'm afraid. I thought about addressing this, but these pieces get too long as it is… And so I hang out in the comments, just so I can share even more weirdness.

The editor-doofuses actually do mention Deism, in their typical "anything but OUR version of Protestantism is Of Teh Debbil" fashion:

Various forms of atheism even permeated religion in France. One group of radicals organized the "Cult of Reason,” in which they worshiped the collective human intellect. Others adhered to Deism, a religion that rejected Scripture and professed that God is an impersonal Being Who is revealed only in nature, and must be sought through man's reason. Many Deists followed Robespierre and developed a cult called the Worship of the Supreme Being. All of these cults ultimately resorted to humanism.

They really love to throw that word "worship" around, as if there were literal shrines to Human Reason….

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

How have you not gouged out your eyes?

Radiotherapy September 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Thanks Dok for all your hard work. Us moochers don't have the time or patience to expose these misguided fools. Although I can understand your motivation as I routinely listen to RW Radio in the car. Or until Mrs. Radio says why do you listen to that crap? I guess it's a "know thy enemy" sort of thing.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Or a "if I can listen to this crap, I will be better able to withstand water-boarding when they come for me" sort of thing.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I dunno, as I've said before, I think Kid Zoom pretty much nailed it when he heard me yelling at the screen during one of the final GOP primary debates and said, 'You know what this is for you, Dad? This is just Anger Porn."

I was smart at 15, but not THAT smart.

Callyson September 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Anger Porn

Ah, so *that's* the explanation for why I am so interested in politics in the first place…

Tell your kid I say thanks for helping me to understand my own life. Think I'll check in on what the Republicans have to say today, and then take a quick masturbation break…

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wow, precocious kid. Nice work.

Radiotherapy September 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm

It's also akin (*gack* it's hard to use that word now) to having reread The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich in the last year. Propaganda Porn?

And your precocious son reminded me of something my 15 year old greenie son said a couple of years ago: "Why wouldn't you recycle?"

poorgradstudent September 23, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Ah, I should have guessed. I just assumed because I read one of those "Politically Correct Guides" to history – because I think that I must hate myself – and the author just waves off Deism by saying fuck it, it's just like Atheism anyway.

That particular book was written by a far-right Catholic teaching at a college in Nowhere, Oblivion, but I'm sure there's plenty of similarities between what the papist claims and what the good folks at Bob Jones are writing…

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

…which both are morally obliged to vigorously deny.

mille derps September 23, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Literal shrines to Human Reason ≠ libraries, science laboratories & universities?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Now cut that out!

You should know by now that metaphors cannot be used safely around these people.

RALitherland September 23, 2012 at 5:28 pm

"as if there were literal shrines to Human Reason"

Er, have you seen Wikipedia on Temple of Reason? It's quite possible that the Wikipedia article is a bunch of bullshit, as well. On the other hand, sometimes even a blind pig finds an acorn.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Sacre bleu! Thanks, I had no idea of the existence of such a thing. I imagine that these places had about as many actual followers as there are liberals who spend a lot of time reading Saul Alinsky today. Which is to say, sure, they were a thing. But not the thing the Christianists think it was.

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:45 pm

See, this stuff, to me, is like Unitarian Universalists. I mean, I'm an atheist, and the idea of having a ritual to celebrate that strikes me a lot like masturbation, without being appropriately stimulating.

Of course, if these rituals involved sexy time, I would have a totally different view.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 8:06 pm

The UU's were a very useful way-station on my voyage away from my Catholic upbringing. They really DO make coffee a sacrament.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

"their anti-French agenda leads them to make no distinction whatsoever between atheists and Deists"

I get the impression that it's not an anti-French agenda so much as an anti-everything agenda. Atheists, Deists (like they even know what that means, but anyway), Catholics, Jews, Muslims, non-white people, scientists, people who listen to heavy metal, whatever kind of Protestant that is not *their particular brand* of trailer park Protestant… Satans, the whole bunch of 'em, all Satans:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Everyo

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Yep. It's not merely an anti-humanism / evolution agenda, but an anti-Any-HINT-of-humanism / Any-HINT-of-evolution agenda.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

As someone once said about the anti-choice folks: "It's not enough that they're not willing to tolerate abortion; they're not even willing to tolerate the tolerant".

Maman September 23, 2012 at 12:37 pm

I guess there is no pointing out that the English had more experience with democracy in any format having forced King John to sign the Magna Carta in 1215 (whilst they were still baby-eating papists, I might add)

no_gravity September 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Yeah, but in 1216 Popish Innocent (ha) III annulled it.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Was there ever a Pope Guilty?

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 12:19 am

Where the (Altar) Boys Are?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 12:51 pm

No, it was all their Protestant moderation what done it.

Maman September 23, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Tell that to Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard!

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

The heads. You're looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He's the first to admit it.

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:12 pm

He beheads them because he loves them.

ChapterUndVerse September 23, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Um, actually, Henry never gave up Catholicism. He gave up paying tithes to the Pope, who was richer than even Henry's very own daddy was.

viennawoods13 September 23, 2012 at 10:25 pm

True that. He was certainly not a Protestant. His son Edward VI was the first real Protestant monarch, as he had been raised mostly by his mother's family, who were pretty fervent on that.

richmx2 September 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm

And everyone forgets the Kingdom of Aragon granted a charter to its commoners about 40 years prior to the Magna Carta being forced on King John to grant rights to the nobility.

viennawoods13 September 23, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Yes, I still remember my university medieval studies prof breaking the news to us that the Magna Carta was not democratic, but rather designed to give the lords more power whilst keeping it firmly out of the hands of the ordinary people.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:41 pm

IT'S A REPUBLIC!!!!!111!!

Serolf_Divad September 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm

In France, however, Biblical Christianity, the one thing that can make modern political ideas workable in any country, had been driven out of the country with the [Protestant] Huguenots”

…and this is why the French nation no longer exists (the territories formerly known as "France" having been evenly divided between Spain, Italy and Belgium.)

WhatTheHeck September 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

So what you’re saying, in a nutshell, is “France” today, is the seat of Satan’s government here on earth. But how can that be? Obama was born in Kenya?

Katydid September 23, 2012 at 3:39 pm

All Gaul is divided into three parts…"

ChapterUndVerse September 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Once upon a time, "France" meant the Isle de France. Louis the Spider fixed that, eventually.

johnnyzhivago September 23, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Stupid Europeans with their "humanism" and their metric system. Hopefully, America will realize what a blessing it is for a towering figure like Mitt Romney to come down from the mountain and lead us. I dare say, we may never need another election as his five mini-Mitts and their royal, lofty spawn could take us into the next century.

It's so sad that so many Americans just want to sit around like the French reading the New York Times Weekend Edition, drinking fancy wine and waiting for their welfare check.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"his five mini-Mitts"

And if they puss out on that like they pussed out on military service, there's always the Susan Lucci of Republican politics — Jeb Bush.

sewollef September 24, 2012 at 9:12 am

It's so sad that so many Americans just want to sit around like the French reading the New York Times Weekend Edition, drinking fancy wine and waiting for their welfare check.

Is that so wrong?

Oh wait, you're not including me in your indictment, since I'm a Brit, yay! I can drink and fart and read the NYT Weekender without any condemnation. Fabulous.

SorosBot September 23, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Wait, I thought Locke, Hume and Rousseau were all various people trapped on The Island?

PubOption September 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Should they be cartoons, like Calvin and Hobbes?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Wait, no, "Hobbes & Calvin" is the one I was thinking of; had to scan it in from "The Book of Sequels"

finallyhappy September 23, 2012 at 7:18 pm

wow, me too!! And I am as confused by them as the people who wrote this book

Troubledog September 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Napoleon-deniers. Too much for me. I need a cab. No way I can drive. Incapacitated by irony.

KeepFnThatChicken September 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm

No greater delight than skipping church in my skivvies, eating leftover pizza and laughing my ass off at absurdist revisionist Xtian history books.

Mother Mary? I fucked her!

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Wait, are you me?

KeepFnThatChicken September 24, 2012 at 9:27 am

Let's get together next week and enjoy another pantsless Sunday School lesson, shall we?

SnarkOff September 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm

They did give us French fries, though. Praise Jesus for that.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 12:56 pm

O, the list goes on and on: red and white Burgundy, Jerry Lewis, Lothaire Bluto, bearnaise, lingerie, brie, escargot, Citroen cars (they're funny), and three-cornered hats maybe.

kittensdontlie September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

And most importantly, the menage de trois.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Merde, forgot that one.

FakaktaSouth September 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I am totally digging that you said the French gave us a guy born in Newark, New Jersey. C'est tres formidable! Vive Le Nutty Professeur toujours!
Seriously, I love this.

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Well, gave him back, on loan, sort of.

BlueStateLibel September 23, 2012 at 2:07 pm

And bras, thank God.

Angry_Marmot September 23, 2012 at 5:23 pm

And Leslie Caron.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 23, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Uh, no they didn't. Only Americans call them French Fries. They're actually Belgian.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Mayonnaise. They fuckin' DROWN 'em in that shit.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 12:33 am

Their mayonnaise is pretty fucking good. It's not like the crap here.

Although I'm with anyone who says the choice between ketchup and mayo is the way to go.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:24 pm

Belgica Vlaamse frites libel!

deanbooth September 23, 2012 at 12:48 pm

they declared the year 1792 to be the Year I

Makes sense. This book sounds like it was written in the third century.

Obama / Biden 221!

johnnyzhivago September 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

OT: but isn't it somewhat stupid for the GOP talking heads to be spouting that the first debate will be a "game changer" and that Mitt is such an incredibly good debater and Obama is a terrible debater? The dems on the other hand are saying the same thing – Obama is really concerned and Mitt is just so good.

Isn't this just moronic? I mean now if Mitt doesn't make B.O. run from the stage in tears he's going to look like a gigantic idiot.

It's like he's setting himself up for a sucker punch.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I am looking forward to a trifecta of a "that one" moment from Mitt…. and a flash of his barely controlled egalitarian elitism and a lame robotic laugh…. It's gonna be sweet!

JustPixelz September 23, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Plus Mittens saying Obama is untruthful — so when Romney is KO'ed by BO he can blame it on a lyin' African.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Mitt is congenitally unable to ever portray himself as less than kingly in all things, even if it would ultimately help his cause.

BlueStateLibel September 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I actually think Mittens will put up a good fight in the debates, which got me a little worried.

Then I remembered that no one watches these things anyway, they really don't.

WABishop September 23, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I dunno, when Invisible-Obama debated Clint Eastwood he was pretty quickly reduced to hurling obscenities.

mille derps September 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Projection is a funny thing, innit?

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It's like calling your garage band "Better than Hendrix".

jqheywood September 24, 2012 at 1:05 am

Or your pundit band "Better than Ezra"

Veritas78 September 23, 2012 at 3:52 pm

These are the same people who predicted Mitt would get a 12-point bounce out of his convention. Managing expectations is apparently not taught in business school.

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm

These schmucks told us the same thing about McCain.

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Going to look like a gigantic idiot?

Also: "isn't it somewhat stupid for the GOP talking heads" = fire hot, water wet.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:31 pm

The debates may have been game changers before the two conventions, but unless the president releases a string of profanities live on air, Mitt is through.

This thing hasn't been closes since before the conventions regardless of what the national polls say. Right now, folks on both sides are debating whether this will just be a big win or a possible wave. I'll be working to make it the latter. This thing isn't close in the electoral college whhere it counts Even in the middle of summer the EC wasn't looking good for Wllard.

fuflans September 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

you always cheer me up.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Idiot Mittens.

He just can't stop hitting himself in the face.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 23, 2012 at 12:53 pm

These people aren't just embracing stupid they're rolling around in it and smearing all over their naughty bits. They can bite my atheist, French and metric using ass.

Oblios_Cap September 24, 2012 at 9:42 am

Who buys pounds of cocaine?

fishwharf September 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I thank God every day that I was raised as an atheist. I'm especially thankful Sunday mornings when I can lounge around in bed and read Wonkette..

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Sharing a bed with Wonkette is kinda kinky….

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:16 pm

You're telling me! My Married Lover is a Sarah-Palin admiring Catholic who keeps telling me to stop being so mean in my bloggy things. She is also a sweetheart, and so we have a kind of Carville-Matalin thing going on. Go figure.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:26 pm

How will I ever trust you again.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I have to admit that I worry — if she's so wrong about politics, how can I trust her judgment when she says I'm good in the sack?

emmelemm September 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

She must be reeeeealllllllly good in bed.

Chet Kincaid_ September 23, 2012 at 1:50 pm

So you guys are in a ménage a trois with Hypocrisy?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I prefer a more Whitmanesque dodge: "Do I contradict myself? Well then I contradict myself!"

Katydid September 23, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Matalin is no sweetheart….listening to her makes my ears bleed.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Like my casting myself as Carville is any compliment?

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:07 pm

My first love was a Republican.

Years later I reconnected with him and asked if he was still sweating it out in that Log Cabin. He said, "No way! I only believed that crap so my dad would still talk to me!" Now we text each other Huffpost links daily.

trampndirtdown September 23, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Homocons just astound me.

Dashboard Buddha September 23, 2012 at 7:57 pm

So, she's tighter, wetter, crazier…?

FakaktaSouth September 23, 2012 at 10:00 pm

If this is even slightly true "married, SarahP loving" (she really IS a conservative) what a compare and contrast I could do, just what the hell…this is some great wonk-y backstory comment fuckery though, and here I thought "outside my football school" was a thing I should be proud of overcoming. Nice.

azeyote September 23, 2012 at 8:00 pm

well ya gotta thank sumpin

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Hopefully, you're more thankful to be raised a good person? 'Cause atheists can be major dicks, too, and I say that as someone who is non-religious.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

STOP JUDGING ME!

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:34 pm

You know, it took four or five times through this thread before I paid attention to your first sentence, and delivered the manifest upfist.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 11:42 pm

You are truly blessed.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Wasn't it Voltaire who said the last king should be strangled with the intestines of the last priest?

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Denis Diderot, but yeah, same crowd. He gets a brief mention, but they didn't say anything excessively funny about him.

Chow Yun Flat September 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

There was a scene in "Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky" just like that.

chascates September 23, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I'd be happy enough when the last pundit was strangled with the intestines of the last lobbyist.

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Last Neocon/last Fundie?

Last Teabagger/last faux-centrist "journalist"?

Hey, this could be fun.

red_kira September 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

It was Diderot. He also said he never had a good day on which he hadn't take a good shit. Or words to that effect.

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:00 pm

"It is said that people and even horses were physically unable to cope with ignoring God’s law of one day of rest in every seven."

Is that why Rafalca choked at the Horse Dancing Olympics?

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Rafalca snorts at you: "Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring!"

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Challenge accepted, horse beeyotch!
Put some Motown on, and I'll jump in the ring and dance the living shit out of Rafalca.
Also, I have a bigger ass.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Yeah, but I have more class in one of my hooves than you do in your whole deal!

(And mow-town is where the cows go to graze in the pasture.)

And from where I sit, your ass ain't that big… and all you have is that tiny remnant of a vestigial tail… see MY tail? It's all shiny and flowing… I use L'oreal on it…

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Well, my original comment was directed at Rafalca, not you… I figured you're a wallaby, not a horse.
But if you are a horse, why come you use L'Oreal instead of this stuff?:
http://manentail.com/

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Ahhh.. the good old days when authoritarian Kings were despot rulers of the French and believed in austerity measures for the common Frenchman… So … if we Americans were supposed to have learned from the French Revolution (which happens out of timeline sequence with real time in this book) what motivates the colonies to throw off the shackles of our Evil Overlords: the English?

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Jon McNaughton must be working night and day on the illustrations for this.

JustPixelz September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

With Moochelle Obama as Marie Antoinette, of course. And Barack as Napoleon — or maybe as a napoleon with many evil layers.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Or Thomas Kinkade. He knew what to do with the sparkly.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm
HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 6:36 pm

I prefer this version.

UW8316154 September 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Can't wait to read the alt-text!

no_gravity September 23, 2012 at 1:04 pm

This break from linear narrative seems to be solely for the purpose of underlining the text’s insistence that the French Revolution represented godless humanism run amok,

It also has that whole timeline ring to it and that sounds suspiciously like New Math.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I wonder if the authors also bake bread? Because they keep kneading history to mold it into the most twisty pretzel (with salt, of course because freedom!) EVERRRR!!!

ChillBill September 23, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

My, they have changed.

calliecallie September 23, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Outstanding obscure movie reference!

SheriffRoscoe September 23, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Did you know that the French practically invented oral sex and ass fucking? It's like they WANT to go straight to Hell.

Toomush_Infer September 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I thought the Greeks invented ass fucking – do the French have to get credit for everything – the gaul of it…..

Hera Sent Me September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

When your historical narrative requires you to praise the world's largest, most durable empire as the cradle of democracy, while simultaneously praising the most successful traitors against it in even loftier terms, you know that only the power of Jeebus can untwist the pretzel logic of your words.

Talk about speaking in tongues.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Well, god works in oh so mysterious and…and…supremely dickish ways, don't you know.

JustPixelz September 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

It is said that people and even horses were physically unable to cope with ignoring God’s law of one day of rest in every seven.

Just part of the regulatory burden God places on humanity job creators. Let the market decide how many days in a week!

JustPixelz September 23, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Actually the market has decided: AOTK. Just ask anyone at the mall.

memzilla September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Biblical Christianity, the one thing that can make modern political ideas workable kill people in any country…."

FTFY, Bekkake-ists.

Chow Yun Flat September 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm

We wonder how many 10th graders get the impression from this book that the American founders learned from those bad French guys’ excesses and did their revolution right

Among 10th grade boys, not nearly as many who had the impression that beating off several times a day was a good thing.

proudgrampa September 23, 2012 at 1:28 pm

History is hard.

no_gravity September 23, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Not the A Beka Book way where we just make shit up and slap it between two covers and a spine then sell it for 30 pieces of silver. Shipping and handling not included.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm

That's totally unfair. They have to thoroughly research the standard narrative and then carefully distort it to fit their agenda. That takes some real effort, but it's worth it, for Jebus.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:42 pm

So, what you're saying is that A Beka Book is for the discerning idiot/moron?

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 12:38 am

Absolutely. This is some carefully crafted ARTISANAL bullshit, not your cheap slapdash bargain-basement bullshit.

Just look at the GLOSS on those turds!

WhatTheHeck September 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

If humans must have one day of rest each week (because god rested), then why is football a substitute religion in Texas on Sundays?

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 2:03 pm

It's an allegory, see? Like the beer is the blood part and the chips with guac are the wafers, and the refs are like priests and so on.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 23, 2012 at 5:16 pm

And the visting team is always on my side.

To the endless puzzlement of Tim Tebow, God doesn't cheat on our bets (you'd be amazed how often Vegas gets the actual point spread correct.)

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I never knew Jesus was a Nord.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 8:21 pm

More of a Fnord, if you ask me.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 24, 2012 at 1:29 am

Well, with the innate ability to turn water into wine, and then walk upon it, a little slurring is inevitable. Literally.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:33 pm

He wasn't a Nerd!

But scholars believe He spoke Geek.

I mean Greek.

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Any mention about how the Native Americans lived centuries without the Christian God, very well thank you?

Chet Kincaid_ September 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

They got their judgement.

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm

They just didn't realize how bad they were suffering.

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Native who?

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:44 pm

But, but, they were in darkness and were brought the light of the Lord (by the torthc and sword)! They didn't know how bad they had it! You can't deliver the lord without disturbing the forbidden apple cart in the Garden, first. How else would they know that they should have been ashamed of their physical and spiritual nakedness? Hengh?!

KeepFnThatChicken September 24, 2012 at 9:29 am

I wonder when Doktor Zoom will hep us to the A Beka treatise on those godless humans lived.

Chichikovovich September 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Sigh. So much fail. So little time. Remarks: partial list because I could go on all day, and I don't have that kind of time.

I'm at least glad to see them telling the youngsters that English philosophy of the time was A-Ok! Thanks to the true Jesus and all. Since thanks to that they may at least stumble by accident on, and read, Hume's "Essay on Miracles" (ok, Hume was a Scot, but, like they'd know the difference.) Or, looking for a lurid account of how homos and perverted sex brought down the Roman Empire, they might reach for Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire which will tell them it was really the result of introducing Christianity. (Danger! Way oversimplified picture of Gibbon here.)

Robespierre was not an atheist and in fact he regarded atheism with horror.

On the other hand one of the philosophe s who most surely was an atheist, Diderot, was also perhaps the most eloquent opponent of slavery of his time. In contrast to most of those among the founding fathers who were Christians of a flavor that could satisfy Beka press. The majority of them were 100% cool with it, so cool in fact that they worked out a deal whereby slaveholding States would have disproportionate influence. Thus contributing to the foundations of a slaveholding society that lasted nearly 100 years more.

And while we're on the topic: just as the noble Founding Fathers just loved them that slavery, the evil Convention of the French Revolution abolished it.

PubOption September 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm

A literate Gibbon suggests evolution, so they'll keep well away from him.

CthuNHu September 23, 2012 at 8:14 pm

An illiterate Gibbon, on the other hand, has a fine future in politics in Texas.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Oh, we'll get to those awful English Enlightenment guys next week. Spoiler Alert: They're treated as a sideshow to the overall Wesleyan Revival. Locke was not really a Christian, for instance, since he "supplanted the authority of the Bible with humanistic rationalism and empiricism," and "Hume's skepticism rejected Christianity's stand on the absolute truths of the Bible."

Happily, they had no influence at all, and so the US Constitution was based solely on the Bible. (No, they don't actually say it…)

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm

And while we're on the topic: just as the noble Founding Fathers just loved them that slavery, the evil Convention of the French Revolution abolished it.

See? You're starting to understand!

Guppy September 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

To avoid dating history by the birth of Christ, they declared the year 1792 to be the Year I …

While we know it was truly year 16 (of the independence of the United States). They phail at regnal years.

weeks were declared to be ten days long rather than seven …

With the mean synodic month being 29.5 days, that makes more sense. 7 days only makes sense before the invention of the telescope, or math really.

And it's not like the phase of the moon has anything to do with Christianity's most sacred holiday or anything.

The revolutionaries also devised a new system of weights and measures, the metric system, because the old system reminded of the kings and aristocrats who had established it (p. 309).

It reminded them of the complete lack of consistency between towns and jurisdictions. Even the US Constitution granted Congress the right to declare the One True Measurement Standard (which has been SI since the end of the 19th Century…).

/nerd

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Hey, at least they skipped computus.

Steverino247 September 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Fuck the Kraken, UNLEASH THE ROUSSEAU!!!

azeyote September 23, 2012 at 8:06 pm

fuck em all

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Yes, but is this before or after we release the Biden?

Steverino247 September 23, 2012 at 11:55 pm

I think Jill Biden has all she can handle now!

Radiotherapy September 23, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I can see why Romney enjoyed his time of foreign policy experience in France.

mavenmaven September 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hard to say we have a "flourishing democracy" when the Christianists are actively rigging the voting process to suppress large segments of dissenting populace…

Blueb4sinrise September 23, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Yes, a variation on their usual theme……

Opposing suppression is the real oppression.

bikerlaureate September 23, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Democracy = Republicans winning.

By any means necessary.

(Isn't that on the naturalization test?)

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:47 pm

Malcolm X is spinning in his grave. lol

BoatOfVelociraptors September 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Daddy, why does the bible use an Arabic base-10 enumeration schema? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hebrew_numerals

Jukesgrrl September 23, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I can't stop myself from reading this series, but I gots ta say it's fuckin' with my enjoyment of Sunday.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I gots ta say that it's made my Saturdays a living heck, too. But it's worth it, because those are just the dues we pay for worshiping at the Altar of Snark.

Chet Kincaid_ September 23, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Well, after plowing through this crap, you should be able to hook up with a designer and an illustrator and create a very funny parody!

Blueb4sinrise September 23, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Here, this should ruin it altogether. Jonathan Paton Soaking the Tea-Bags with 7 min. of runny crap. Includes brief overview of Euro vs. U.S. political culture , football story, and Founding Fathers watching us fap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqx2-95DMIU

I hear there was a T-B caravan riding around yesterday, but this is the only vid so far.

Meathamper September 23, 2012 at 2:19 pm

You think the French are sick bastards, wait till you find out what the Germans call "pornography"

M. Bouffant September 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Grandma? Is that you?

Fare la Volpe September 23, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Google search "E.T. porno."

Better yet, don't.

Rotundo_ September 23, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I think South Park covered that pretty well with Cartman's mom: (cue gruff german accented voice) "ESSEN MEIN SCHIESS!" Cartman's mom chirpy reply: "Okey-dokey!"

rocktonsam September 23, 2012 at 2:20 pm

needz moar enlightenment

chascates September 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Once you accept the premise that an Invisible Cloud Giant created the universe (in 6,000 years) with Earth as the center of his plan you can pretty much alter history to fit that agenda.

Misty Malarky September 23, 2012 at 3:19 pm

French Fries were a wholesome and delicious (and Godly!) American treat until them French came along and ruined them.

kittensdontlie September 23, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Yes by god! If Americans can deep-fry butter, candy bars and cheesecake, we certainly don't need any godless Frenchies teaching us how to fry a simple root vegetable.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:49 pm

French, Belgian, who gives a fuck, right? History!

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:29 pm

Look, the French don't call them frites Belgiques, do they?

FlyOverGirl September 23, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Noooooo! Little Stick of Margarine didn't make it.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/newborn-giant

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm

What do you expect in a nation that mocks Christian textbooks?

FlyOverGirl September 23, 2012 at 10:33 pm

God hates Pandas?

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 12:35 am

God loves pandas, but he removed His hand of protection and allowed this to happen to punish a sinful nation.

Something something something Bryan Fischer grizzly bears, Amen.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:49 pm

It's 'cause of the gheys. Like Katrina and Ivan and Rita (Wilson)…

calliecallie September 23, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Oh for christ sakes just let them eat some cake.

TootsStansbury September 23, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I don't know how you do it, Doktor. These Sunday posts are funny but horrifying. I picture Carrie's crazy-ass mother "teaching" her kids this stuff. Creeps me the hell out, that's what is does.

Jukesgrrl September 23, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Off-topic happy news from the Phoenix New Times:

"… a small army of high-school kids (mostly), funded by union bucks and led by veteran organizers has been quietly, doggedly engineering [Sheriff Joe Arpaio's] downfall. That group calls itself Adios Arpaio and yesterday it announced that it had registered more than 20,000 new voters: 21,571, to be exact.

(Note: I have asked county elections to confirm this count, and should have an answer by Monday. I will update this blog at that time.) To celebrate, a delegation of those young men and women delivered empty boxes to Arpaio's pricey 19th floor offices in the Wells Fargo Building downtown. Why? To help him move, of course, when he loses his bid for a sixth unprecedented term on November 6.

Adios Arpaio spokeswoman Daria Ovide told me the voter registration campaign — made up of 400 volunteers and about 20 paid staff — has been focusing on signing up Latinos. The volunteer canvassers haven't been tracking the party affiliations of registrants, but she's certain that most of these new voters are likely to cast a ballot against Arpaio.

'We're pretty clear about what our goal is,' she explained. "[We tell people], `If you want to get involved in defeating Arpaio in November, the first step is to register to vote.' 'One thing we know is that everyone we've registered is most-likely an anti-Arpaio voter…The majority of the people we've been registering are Latinos. Beyond that we're not tracking.'"

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Oh, those kids and their idealism!

Shouldn't take long to nip THAT in the bud.

Jukesgrrl September 24, 2012 at 3:04 am

If the Mormons didn't procreate at an even faster rate than our new (muy Católico) citizens from south of the border, we'd be a blue state already.

fartknocker September 23, 2012 at 8:56 pm

I hope for the sake of Maricopastan that the senile old shit bag is voted out of office.

Jukesgrrl September 23, 2012 at 10:02 pm

We're having a sheriff's election in Pima Co., too. One of the Republican candidates advertised himself as "modeling himself on Sheriff Joe" and got Arpaio's endorsement. He lost soundly. BUT our current Pima sheriff is a Democrat and got into a world of trouble over comments he made about gun owners after Gabby Giffords was shot. So even if they switch in Maricopa, we might be losing our Democratic sheriff down her in relatively liberal Pima.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Well, that harshes the buzz.

Did secession get on the November ballot?

Jukesgrrl September 24, 2012 at 2:59 am

Many people don't realize that in 2008, with more than 2 million votes cast in Arizona, Obama only lost by 183,912 votes.Our sane to insane ratio grows tighter each year.Had a third-party candidate not drawn votes away from the Dem in 2008, Arpaio would have been defeated then.I actually saw an Arizona poll this weekend that showed Romney ahead of Obama but within the margin of error. It was taken by Lannie Davis & Co. and he's crazy … but I'm just sayin'.

Chet Kincaid_ September 24, 2012 at 9:36 am

My wife keeps saying that, despite all the hype about the Tea Party and wingnuts, she believes there are far fewer of them than we think. I would take as evidence the fact that Obama was elected in the first place.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Cool!

Potential side benefit: could go a long way to turn a House seat from R to D.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Maybe it was a Times article, but I'd read a few months back that there is A LOT of work going on in the ground to register latinos and that it has been working. Talk about energizing your opposition. Conservatives have been absolutely terrorizing entire swaths of the state for years, now, and eventually, there is going to be pushback.

I hate that takes Democrats and existential crisis to get moving, but when they do, boy do they ever.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 24, 2012 at 4:43 am

Sadly, that's a small dent in a county with 4 million residents. My guesstimate puts this at about 2% of the voting public. But if they keep it up as an ongoing project, with a fresh batch of kids every year, the numbers will start to add up. And they'll have a hell of a mailing list for get-out-the-vote efforts in the future.

At least until the dickhead Republicans try to shut them down.

Jukesgrrl September 25, 2012 at 2:10 am

1,324,027 votes were cast in the 2008 election that Arpaio won.I'm not saying the 20,000 extra votes will defeat Arpaio, but it will help … along with the facts that there will be no third-party candidate this time, the Dem challenger is well-qualified, and Arpaio was hurt somewhat by the financial scandal and his romance with Trump.Democrats won the mayors' elections in both the City of Tucson AND Tempe in recent elections.On the negative side, the Mormons will be out in force … but that happens in every election.

BTWBFDIMHO September 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm

That godless revolution may explain why Franceis doing so badly today. Allons enfants de la bijouterie!

finallyhappy September 23, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I don't know- the chocolates and pastry were pretty awesome in July

Katydid September 23, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Doc,

I can't find your reply to my reply about Matalina and Carville, so I'm putting it here…Carville makes my eyes bleed, but I wasn't equating either one of you to them…..no offense intended!

(And I've always wondered whether I could date a Republican…I might have, when I dated a Southern Baptist, but I knew better than to ask. I hate to say this, but best sex I ever had! By far. Sigh)

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:48 pm

ha! No problem, besides, in that comparison, I was pretty much equating MYSELF with the crazed cajun.

Barrelhse September 24, 2012 at 12:07 am

I'm sure it was good for him, too, Katydid.

ttommyunger September 24, 2012 at 9:29 am

The first year my son was in the Army he was whining about not be able to get laid. I told him to find a small Baptist Church and attend Sunday AM and Wed. PM for two weeks…..Problem solved!

ttommyunger September 24, 2012 at 9:31 am

ps; baby arrived a little early, but they've been happily married for twenty years now.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Yeah, wingnuts have hated the whole "secularism" of the French Revolution since it happened. What I love is when they pretend Christianity begat political freedom…ignoring "divine right" monarchies, religious fascists like Franco and on and on. The entire premise is hilarious…uh, hey wingnuts…Democracy and political liberty is A LOT older than Christianity or even Judaism. Just as the Sumerians would have been puzzled by gawd creatin' the heavens and the earth while they lived on the earth, the greeks would be awfully puzzled by themselves being made retroactively Christian. These assholes really only get away with this stuff when discussing it with their fellow ignoramuses…EVERY SINGLE TIME there has been mingling between state and the Christian religion political liberty goes bye bye, morons. From the Romans to the Holy Romans to the Russian Tsars to Henry VIII to even Salem, Mass. this has been true. What's their evidence to the contrary? Oh yeah, some bullshit David Barton made up…I stand corrected.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 23, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Judaism is pretty old; I'm not sure there were any democracies back then.

Steverino247 September 24, 2012 at 12:06 am

The Hebrews had to wait until the Arabs invented the zero, so why do people think they've got the right answers to any other Big Question?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

The Old Kingdom of Egypt predates Jews…but you're right. Unless you count Mycenean Greece (which I usually do) the Greek city-states are contemporaneous with the Egyptian enslavement of the Jews so you have me there. But the point stands, the Greeks in what was essentially a world away given the "size" of the known world at that point invented democracy and neither Judaism or Christianity had anything to do with it. In fact it was quite the opposite…before the kingdom of Israel was conquered they had despotic, monarchic rule. Christianity from the time Constantine legitimized it up until Louis XVI was overthrown ALWAYS loved divine right rule by holy monarchies. Hell, when the American revolution ended church leaders and conservatives wanted Washington to be crowned king…that was my essential point.

BlueStateLibel September 23, 2012 at 7:11 pm

"The French Revolution gave the world an illustration of the consequences of humanism and the rejection of Christian values and morality. " No, it made plutocrats piss in their pants, and gave dry cleaners more business than they'd ever dreamed of.

Toomush_Infer September 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Hey, this all stems from a simple mistake: When the preacher wrote Genesis, he meant the jews. Adam was the first jew, not the first man of all men. It's like the the native american tribe in Nebraska whose name meant The People…it's just….fuck all the rest of 'em…I don't see how these folks could have gotten it wrong for so long – who do they suppose Adam's kids were fucking, their sisters?….well, I guess in certain states that counts…

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 8:12 pm

Don't something like 80% of tribes' names worldwide translate to "the people"?

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Even some state names are derived similarly.

"Utah," for instance, means both "you people" and "those people."

"Arizona" translates to "as redneck as Alabama but there is no water."

NOTE: I, like A Beka Books, won't let my statements be dictated by fact checkers.

Dashboard Buddha September 23, 2012 at 8:00 pm

“Where knowledge ends, religion begins.”

Benjamin Disraeli

Steverino247 September 24, 2012 at 12:07 am

Won't you come home, Disraeli?
Won't you come home?

Biel_ze_Bubba September 24, 2012 at 4:46 am

Disraeli's gears were always turning.

James Michael Curley September 23, 2012 at 8:43 pm

For hundreds of years the issue of spreading literacy to the masses and whether the government should have a part in it were framed in the concept that even a little education like learning to read and count your change would provide great benefit. Why do these thunks who promote 'home schooling' insist on reframing the concept to be whether they agree with the 'government indoctrination.' It seems they are severely deficient in education.

Also, if as is happening in NJ, your state, school district and such is engaged in the battle over "Tenure" listen to those who are against it closely. They have become well versed in coaching it in terms of budget excess and quality of teachers. Tenure has nothing to do with that. Tenure's sole reason it came into the American Political System is because we as Americans at one time decided we would not let the hiring and dismissal of teachers be a method of political indoctrination and punishment.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 9:25 pm

The alt-text is most excellent.

Reacting to the superstition, hypocrisy, and cold formalism of the Roman church, the Enlightenment philosophers rejected Christianity entirely.

There we go again with this bullshit. They sure hate them some Catholics, huh?

Jukesgrrl September 23, 2012 at 10:07 pm

And yet many Catholics help Evangelicals get into office. Martyrdom has always been the rage among Catholics.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 10:12 pm

More than they hate atheists, I think. I mean, sure, the godless are damned, but at least they aren't pretending to be Christians like those Papists…

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm

I guess we all hate most our biggest competitor in the market.

VinnyThePooh September 23, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Those Frenchies gave us cheese, fried food, and the technology to mass-produce guns with unskilled labor. You'd think the average home-schooled trailer trash would give every Frenchman a gratuitous handjob.

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Problem: they don't know what "gratuitous" means.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 12:26 am

You know, I thought you meant the French there, and I was going to point out that the French word is very similar to the English word because they're from a common latin root.

Then I realized you meant homeschoolers and thought "yeah, he's right."

Barrelhse September 23, 2012 at 11:11 pm

And the Tennis Court Oath, what about that?

Steverino247 September 24, 2012 at 12:09 am

That's the oath you unleash just before throwing your racket over the fence?

bobbert September 24, 2012 at 12:46 am

I was gonna say something something John McEnroe, but you win.

gurukalehuru September 24, 2012 at 1:49 am

The thing to remember about the reign of terror is that a lot of those fuckers really deserved it.

BloviateMe September 24, 2012 at 2:39 am

As a dabbler in engineering/science, and pretty much zero Eurasian history credentials, I'm curious what this obviously uber-educated crowd thinks about how much of this fascinating speculation/observation of humanity's bygone era was affected by the lost knowledge of Alexandria''s libary burning. The conspiracy theorist in me thinks that at least one of the major truths of the past we hold to be self evident would be altered greatly.

I think of it as one of the greatest losses in the history of this planet…based on my limited knowledge of events, of course.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 6:27 am

Probably lose:

- heliocentricism
- good orbit prediction (related to the first)
- philosophy which we can't even guess at
- math which took until post-renaissance to re-discover (excluding that saved or created by the arabs or indians). e.g. the quadratic equation with negative numbers (Al-Khawarzimi might reference this), and possibly the cubic solution
- works of Archimedes, possibly the smartest man ever to have lived

edit: I'm rather a fan of Archimedes, mostly because of the second Punic war. I can recommend a good book if that's not offensive to your obvious erudition?

AznMom420 September 24, 2012 at 2:43 am

Take that 'Free Thinkers' your entire world-changing ideology ain't shit without god. I hope all of you rationalists have a lot of fun searching for subatomic particles in your nerd labs because I'll tell you where you can find the higgs-boson year-round that's in the lap of the lord, check a church sometime and get back to me.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 2:47 am

I asked her and she said she'd lost it in Safeway.

BloviateMe September 24, 2012 at 2:59 am

Late night with Lederman.

Who gets that? =>

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 4:34 am

Me! Me!

BloviateMe September 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Wonder twin power activate! Form of……..well, 2 nerds.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 24, 2012 at 5:15 am

I look at it, and it looks more like God ain't shit. The "God of the Gaps" seems to be in charge of less and less real estate every year. Pretty soon, he's gonna be stuck hiding somewhere behind the Big Bang, because everything else will be physics.

Feel free to pray to your invisible sky daddy for heads instead of tails, and to praise Jeebus for the 50.00% of the time he answers your prayers (and tremble in wonder at his mysterious ways the other 50.00% of the time.) Just remember that whatever can explain absolutely everything, explains absolutely nothing. If a purple sun rises in a green sky tomorrow, the bible-thumpers will just shrug uselessly and say, "eh, God did it," accompanied by all the sun-and-sky-related apocalyptic mumbo-jumbo they can dredge out of the Bible. (To be fair, it's not entirely useless: to the extent that preachers decide to play it that way, there's value in calming frightened, ignorant crowds.)
The scientists, on the other hand, will have to put a bit more thought into the matter, and it's their conclusions I'll be paying attention to … because they're the explanations that are going to be useful to me.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 5:26 am

'ello mate. Let's have a little chat.

I'm not a believer and make no bones about it. However, I refuse to denigrate anyone else about their beliefs unless they make obviously wrong assertions based purely upon them. For example: evolution works. Deny that and get a science bore-o-lecture.

If a purple sun rises in a green sky tomorrow, lots of believers in whichever brand of religion will be asking scientists wtf is going on?

ah, fuck. I'm putting this across all wrong. I do agree with what you're saying, but I can't go along with your disdain of people who happen to believe in god(s).

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 7:54 am

You're joking right? Lap of the lord? Really? Did you actually just utter that on Wonkette? I mean, are you trying to set us up for a homerun? That's some Grade A snark, there, whether intentional or otherwise.

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Bouncing vigorously up and down in the lap of the lord, I think.

AznMom420 September 27, 2012 at 2:15 am

"colliding particles" and whatnot

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 6:08 am

Wonkette.

After I asked a question the other day, LagunaB pointed me to this post where user-of-owls and many of you offered to help me after a very difficult time

Good god. I'm tearing up a bit. I'm more analytical than emotional, but you fuckers are something else for getting to me. I had no idea this was going on. I'll just let loose – holy cow, what on earth are you doing? You don't know me. I'm just some name on a snarky website and you'll do that? YOU PEOPLE ARE THE FUCKING BEST!

Honestly, I am choked up. You utter cunts. The nicest online cunts a chap could hope to run in to.

KeepFnThatChicken September 24, 2012 at 9:34 am

My other family online. I love these people.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2012 at 7:06 am

It's because we don't actually know you. ;-)

DahBoner September 24, 2012 at 8:47 am

Huh.

DahBoner September 24, 2012 at 8:50 am

"We're up to the 18th century now…"

Jesus wears cowboy hats when riding dinosaurs?

sullivanst September 24, 2012 at 9:01 am

I guess these guys (I presume they're guys, because Dominionists aren't exactly known for letting womminz out of the kitchen) are big, though unthinking, Van Morrison fans:

Enlightenment, don't know what it is

(plus, they yearn to be back In The Days Before Rock And Roll)

AlterNewt September 24, 2012 at 9:01 am

"Next week: Jesus hands the Constitution to George Washington while personally helping to sew the flag."

…and together they form an intrepid band of knee pants wearing Superfriends!

ttommyunger September 24, 2012 at 9:33 am

Fortunately, I am so old that when I was in school they didn't have History; so I've got that going for me, which is nice…

Biel_ze_Bubba September 25, 2012 at 7:10 am

Sounds like my daughter's complaint to me: "History was easier for you — there's twice as much of it now!"

ttommyunger September 25, 2012 at 7:18 am

Typical whippersnapper.

owhatever September 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

The Lord severely punished those 18th Century heretics. Not a single one of them is alive today. So there. Galoshes 4:12 says that "Whosoever fisheth in the sea shalt seeeth that which is and is not. Noteth so much for thoseth who liveth inland."

Geminisunmars September 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm

You'll need an impartial third-party opinion.

eggsacklywright September 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I hooked up with a Republican about 15 years ago (and a Skinnerian to boot) but gotta admit, she was big fun in the area of sex. Go figure, indeed.

kittensdontlie September 23, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Oh my, where are we, France?!

DCBloom September 23, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Each to his own, but those mixed relationships rarely end well

Fukui-sanYesOta September 23, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Oh, I've read that a couple of times. It's very good.

For similar anger-porn, Into That Darkness by Gitta Sereney is chilling. Based on seventy hours of interviews with Franz Stangl, commandant of Treblinka. It's really an investigation into the banality of evil.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 5:42 pm

And speaking of anger porn, back in the days of Usenet, I used to hang out on alt.revisionism and debunk Holocaust deniers. The odd thing was that doing so led me to learn more about the Holocaust and historiography than I did through any of my formal education.

HogeyeGrex September 23, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Only the old ones with big transformers.

You ever try to bludgeon someone to death with a transistor radio?

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Apparently, they get the best reception in Rwanada.

I'm going to Christian-Muslin hell, aren't I?

LibertyLover September 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Heh… I was answering in the guise of Rafalca… ( or more correctly Egg Romney's opinion of "us people")

{I, myself, am indeed of the marsupial family and not equine at all… but I am a baby kangaroo not a wallaby. (It's the angle of the camera, I think) }

Spurning Beer September 23, 2012 at 6:03 pm

The convention was painful, shortened, and brutish.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Holy shit, I used to do that as well. I'm a goddamn expert on the holocaust because of that.

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

Hah! We may know some of the same people, then. I was doing that stuff in the late 90's to around 2002, and had the privilege of going out to Texas to meet Harry Mazal, the founder of the Holocaust History Project. He had a gathering where we all got ZOG t-shirts….

Doktor Zoom September 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm

My favorite variation on that theme was a review that panned some writer (can't remember who!) as "nasty, British, and short."

tessiee September 23, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I think it was Hobbes who described life as nasty, brutish, and short.
Sondra Locke, in case the name doesn't ring a bell, was a movie actress whose popularity peaked around the mid-1970s. She was also Clint Eastwood's live-in lover until he dumped her in an acrimonious public breakup.

YasserArraFeck September 23, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Painful and brutish, but not shortened enough

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:37 pm

With a bright, poorly designed tie.

Boojum September 23, 2012 at 7:51 pm

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.

ChapterUndVerse September 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm

And a consistent foolishness is the Alpha and the Omega for a wingnut. Emerson doesn't lie, and these days he lies even less.

Radiotherapy September 23, 2012 at 8:34 pm

DO nuts!

Monsieur_Grumpe September 23, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I was raised Unitarian. I remember one Sunday where there was a huge bouquet of flowers up on the stage and the minister said they were put there by an ex-Catholic celebrating 10 years of freedom of guilt from the Catholic church.

FlownOver September 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm

I spent all weekend bashing a heathen with my iPod Nano. Didn't even raise a welt.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:17 pm

You see what you made him do? He'd have rather you given him head than for your to have their's, but you just had to go and not produce a male heir.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 10:52 pm

I'm going to Christian-Muslin hell, aren't I?

You may already be there.

Negropolis September 23, 2012 at 10:56 pm

If this is hell, I've been to worse; Hell? I've been to Phoenix, already.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 23, 2012 at 11:12 pm

I assume you're not talking about climate, either.

Many Christianists think heaven is a lot like a gated community in Orange County, CA. One man's heaven…

bobbert September 23, 2012 at 11:40 pm

What's all this about an heir-head?

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 12:18 am

It didn't work so well, did it? I was trying to snark off oral sex and them not producing him an heir and my brain shorted somewhere in between. lol

jqheywood September 24, 2012 at 12:38 am

FTW!

Negropolis September 24, 2012 at 12:43 am

You know, I don't often read shit, but when I do, I read A Beka Books. Stay stupid, my friends.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 24, 2012 at 4:55 am

Heh, maybe so! Also, I'm jealous.

It wasn't actually usenet, but a forum from a website that I first visited in, huh, late 2000. First time I'd ever seen proper anti-semitism and holocaust denial.

My initial source was the Nizkor Project, which contains all kinds of testimony used at Nuremburg, pictures, third-hand evidence etc. It got me rabid about the subject; how could anyone deny this had happened? One thing led to another.

The Rise and Fall is regarded as unreliable reportage by actual scholars, I've found out after speaking to a university history type with a Doctorate in this stuff. However, Gitta Sereney goes to a primary source.

Filip Müller's book is … well. He was a sonderkommando who escaped. It's harrowing. Recommendation would be a strong word. Have you read this?

edit: also, what are a lapsed Catholic and an atheist doing being so fucking angry about anti-semites? Oh yeah – that'd be it. We're detesting revisionist history and incorrect assertions. I guess that's why we'd be progressive liberals then.

edit 2: I see nizkor has a lot of stuff from alt.revisionism

ships passing in the night.

ThundercatHo September 24, 2012 at 6:44 am

I believe it is pronounced "ship" and I couldn't imagine a better bunch of little guys to have on your side. Wouldn't mind buying them whiskey just to keep 'em around. Your Terry Pratchet ref made me smile this morning and am really enjoying your Sunday school lessons.

sewollef September 24, 2012 at 8:49 am

Ah, The Pixies were OK in their day, which was around 20 years ago, right around the time of Jebus and the dinosaurs.

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 10:45 am

I want one of those magic swords that glow blue in the presence of lawyers.

Doktor Zoom September 24, 2012 at 11:24 am

Oh, yes, very familiar with Nizkor, which actually has a few things archived from my alt.revisionism days, I think.

(Yep, still there; posted under my real name.)

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: