bruuuuuuuce

Olds Tear Paul Ryan Into Bloody Paul Ryan Chunks At AARP Conference

They were hungry. So hungry. It was like the nurses and the porters at their “retirement” “communities” — jails, each and every one of them — were doing it on purpose, ignoring their wails for bigger portions of the lousy slop they called “food.” And they always stole everything that wasn’t locked down! They were starving inside their shriveled bodies, which didn’t need much in the way of sustenance or sleep, and even that they were not getting. And then Paul Ryan came to the stage.

“Blah blah blah I’m a giant liar who constantly lies, about everything,” he said, “We must repeal Obamacare.” They were on him in an instant. Mrs. James Worthrupp II was the first to hobble onto the stage and take her cane to him, and where Mrs. James Worthrupp II went, her best friend Liza always followed. Liza, who was rather whorish and always had an army of frail, withered penis from which to choose, dived onto the floor, her old woman breath in Paul Ryan’s face as she bit his ear clean off. The blood sent the others into their usual frenzy, and in 2.5 minutes (though it seemed both shorter and longer), Paul Ryan had been mauled into tiny little Paul Ryan shreds of lean meat and gristle.

Paul Ryan wasn’t very tasty — not enough fat — but he would have to do until the next earnest young man came to sell them some lies. [Mediaite]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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266 comments

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      I apologize for once thinking of him as conventionally cute, but he keeps opening his stupid mouth. Is this how Palin GILF'ers felt in the eight weeks she was forced down you Lower 48'er's throats?

        1. 415buzzard

          He has a face that just begs to be punched. Also sick of the endless stories of how "fit" he is. I bet he sucks in bed.

          1. tessiee

            "I bet he sucks in bed"

            YES!!
            You just know he's narcissistic, lazy, complains about everything, and doesn't like to give head.
            Compare and contrast with Bill Clinton, even at his fattest.
            You KNOW Bill and Hill used to shake the wallpaper off the walls, then go downstairs naked and eat everything in the fridge.

      1. fuflans

        he does not appeal to me (i like my men darker, dirtier and less catholic).

        moreover (and as you note) when he opens his mouth, that tinny little voice of his underscores the sheer vacuousness of his ideas.

        i really believe he's not very smart. and i have yet to see any evidence in this campaign that i'm wrong.

      2. tessiee

        Slide over on that bench, Northstar, because I've totally NEVER thought somebody was hott until they opened their mouth and proved, over and over again, that they were totally dunced-out and annoying, and I was thinking, "Please, I beg of you, for the love of God, stop talking, Ernie…"
        Although it did happen to this friend of mine.

      3. bobbert

        I've never thought of him as conventionally cute, but I am a guy. I never though Palin was particularly good looking either, for whatever that's worth.

        But in either case, once they start talking, fuck me Jesus.

    2. sudsmckenzie

      … sorry to, well I live nearby, they pimped in 2mill for him, and its god damn Janesville, the only way he can loose is if he runs over Aron Rodgers, … and then backs up over him. Its all they got.

        1. sudsmckenzie

          I'm not going to say anything football related like "Ben Roethlisberger couldn't rape his way out of a paper bag", or "Jay Cutler is the new Lambeau Field Turf Consultant", cause that would be mean.

    3. coolhandnuke

      After Ryan loses both elections on the same night, the shame, the hollowness, the lack of power will lead to him losing two erections each night.

      1. tessiee

        Although you really have to admire?? in a horrible way, the little snot's ambition in running for both offices; it really gives a new meaning to opportunistic.

          1. sudsmckenzie

            The big one here is Tammy (can she actually make it through a fucking sentence) Baldwin VS. the impossibly named Tommy Thompson, and if all goes well Reince Priebus will become Michael Steels man-servant.

    4. Grief_Lessons

      Giddy fifty, fifty giddy. I'm trying to make it work, but the rhyme is too forced. Happy Birthday, anyhow.

    1. finallyhappy

      let me say I am an AARP member and once a year, I do a Zombie walk- and I only started to so the zombie thing after I was old enough to be an AARP member. Angry old white women- we rock!

    1. Nostrildamus

      Add fenugreek, bitter lemon.
      Stick in a cucumber and a carrot.
      Let stew to years.
      Makes excellent slug repellent.

      1. tessiee

        I'll bet some things taste better with a cucumber and a carrot shoved way up them, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

      1. mille derps

        Blech! I was thinking about getting some lunch, but now I'm not hungry any more. Wonkette could advertise itself as an extremely effective diet aid…

    2. Callyson

      I wonder how many sales P90X has lost due to him. I know I was once considering trying it, before I heard of this asshole, but now if I do get a video it will be the Insanity one…

      1. ThundercatHo

        I saw that commercial, it looks awful and painful. I need something like yoga only you lay prone on the floor to meditate and then doze off.

      2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I borrowed it from a friend. All the jumping around + my high arches + my fatt ass = a stress fracture in my foot. Oh, and he yells at people during his yoga workout.

  1. memzilla

    … and then the tottering, shambling Oldz, the Kleig lights glistening off of their bared and blood-reddened fangs, covered up the still-twitching remains of Ryan with a gold-and-black paisley death panel (Quacker Factory, $39.95 plus S&H).

    1. tessiee

      You left out the part where Noam Chomsky rips off his shirt, to reveal a bodybuilder's musculature, and punches Ryan's smug face through the back of his head.

  2. hagajim

    I'd put bureaucrats in charge of Medicare too….because Congress can't do a fucking thing Congressman Ryan. Asshole.

  3. Mumbletypeg

    Kinda the opposite of how I imagined this scenario's converse — a nice Granny as a bunch of gristle and lean to Big Bad Wolf's palate going down — but this zombie-esque adaption of the fairy tale will serve me well for pleasant dreams tonight. Thank you Liza and the Worthrupp Widow!

    1. PsycWench

      God, keep it out of the college community or I'll be hearing "I didn't get that question wrong; I mis-answered it"

    2. tessiee

      I thought he was saying "mixed reaction", although it sounded pretty unanimous to me; I for one did not hear any cheering.

  4. PsycWench

    Shorter Ryan: "I'm going to tell you all the distorted crap I've been spewing all along and hope that these big puppy eyes will make you believe I have your best interests at heart".
    Shorter (?) AARP: "We have some really big walking canes and we're not afraid to use them"

    1. anniegetyerfun

      I wonder if there were any Hoverrounds there? They could just keep running over him. I hear he has a bad back and can't run very far anymore.

    1. sudsmckenzie

      I rarely see a crowd of high information voters these days, I bow to the inherent "don't bring that week shit in here" aura.

    1. shelwood46

      Apparently, many of them are smart enough to know that repeal Obamacare = reopen the closing donut hole in Medicare D. Or, they actually care about people not yet on Medicare (which may be some of them, since AARP includes people as young as 50).

  5. MadBrahms

    I like to imagine our Editrix is writing Ryan and Pegginton as two strands of a single epic story. Game of Thrones with less incest and more stunning political incompetence.

  6. SorosBot

    Rush Limbaugh admits he has a tiny dick, LMFAO breaks up, and now the olds rip Ryan apart; it's a great day for schadenfreude.

      1. bobbert

        No, you're supposed to feel ashamed, but no human being who has actually experienced Schadenfreude has really felt ashamed about it.

    1. finallyhappy

      I go to a senior exercise class- at almost 60- I am one of the younger people but not the most fit- some of these women and the men(well, the Chinese men) are amazing- they could kick some serious way younger butt.

  7. edgydrifter

    You may be a fit son of a bitch, Ryan, but this isn't a Kung-Fu movie, and they aren't going to come at you one at a time. P90X won't help you when you're on the bottom of a riled-up oldz zerg pile.

  8. belmontreport

    I like how he plays into the misconception that people on Medicare aren't getting government provided healthcare. He makes it sound like Obamacare is controlled MORE by the government than Medicare. This is why my grandfather that lives off of SS benefits and Medicare is constantly bitching about the people that don't pay taxes and live off of the taxpayers dime.

    The Republicans are so worried about Obamacare being completely enacted before they can start repealing it, because they know that soon everyone will love it as much as Medicare and Social Security and then they'll have no chance at repealing it.

  9. Nostrildamus

    Paul Ryan wasn’t very tasty — not enough fat…

    Of course, silly. To tenderize, you need to marinate him in some rendered Christie.

  10. coolhandnuke

    A well-regulated private militia of flesh eating, cane thumping, zombified seniors is protected under the 2nd Amendment.

  11. C_R_Eature

    How fun. This is just like the scene in A Clockwork Orange where Little Alex – post Cure – has the shit beaten out of him by an angry pack of Olds.

    Needs more tolchocking in the yarbles and gouts of red, red krovvy, though.

      1. finallyhappy

        Have I mentioned(yeah, I'm old- I forget) that I met Malcolm Mcdowell 3 years ago? He is very charming- I was almost totally unable to speak- I was so nervous but he carried on a conversation for us

        1. C_R_Eature

          That's a great story and I'm sure he was completely charming.He seems to be a very natural and unassuming professional, from the interviews I've seen.

  12. SexySmurf

    Then Ryan added: "Your grandkids are stupid. I'm the one who cancelled JAG. Things are better now than they used to be." And then he walked on everybody's lawn.

  13. Ducksworthy

    Wait Olds! The Ryan plan won't apply to you! Only to those under 55, who will be happy to honor you and pay for your retirement and Medicare while they scrounge for scraps… Oh wait. Maybe that won't work out so well after all.

    1. bobbert

      It amazes me that the Repo strategery on this issue appears to be based on the assumption that we oldz either do not have children, or have forgotten about them.

  14. chascates

    But Jim DeMint has an editorial saying that AARP sold out seniors for Obamacare and if you can't trust Jim DeMint . . .

    Oh, never mind.

  15. sudsmckenzie

    Oooh, and Mittens just put out some tax returns, … its Friday, we should All Stop It, take a nap, and then maybe check the mail and forget all about thizzzzzzzz……

    1. mille derps

      I don't mean to sound critical, but 'reality-based' & 'Ryan' don't seem to belong together in the same thought process?

    2. Joey_Blau

      oh jesus! thank you I thought I was going to have to look it up myself.

      Ryan did sound impressive in his lying capability though.. I know that Obama cut money from future payments to Medicare Advantage plans (i.e. corporate welfare) and from some hospital reimbursements (i.e. $50 aspirin) and filled in the donut hole and did some other stuff I forget.

      and of course the 15 wise men cannot actually DO anything.. but give advice.

  16. Callyson

    And I hope those seniors all live in swing states, preferably Ohio or Florida. Maybe Virginia too. Go oldz!

  17. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Hey Editrix, if you wrote a whole book like this I would totally buy copies for me and all my friends and family (5 total) even without the sexy vampires.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    So, basically the GOP platform for the Oldz is that they should be happy to keep getting anything and to let their grandkids get squat.

  19. Goonemeritus

    Just because it’s common for people to get more fearful as they age don’t assume that they have nothing legitimate to fear. I’m only in my 50’s but this Ryan guy makes me want to curl up into a fetal position and scream for my mother.

  20. Mittens Howell, III

    Yelp Review:

    I thoroughly enjoyed the AARP Early Bird dinner.

    The service was great and the spineless chicken entree had more body fat than was mentioned on the menu, so it was surprisingly tasty!

    Mildred thought it was gristly and underdone, but I gobbled it down so quickly I thought I'd swallowed a bone–luckily it was just one of my dentures.

    Thank God I have Medicare and can get that looked at!! HaHaHa *cough*

    (47 stars out of 100)

  21. TootsStansbury

    I have been pretty busy today, but the bits of writing I've seen today on our wonkette have been quite tasty.

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        But there are plenty of olds here. Didn't you see that picture of actor212? He's gotta be like 75 or 80.

        1. OldWhiteLies

          Hmmm. Surprising. Mebbe pack it up? Just not biting today, it seems. Bait still looks good so you could just put it back in the can and use it later.

          Course he could be planning a sneak attack …

      2. Toomush_Infer

        HEY, I 'm an oldz – and, like most of us, I didn't appreciate being badly lied to by babyface Paul Ryan today….if you're going to lie, do it to some age group that hasn't lived long enough to see through this shit….

    1. vtxmcrider

      How can you decide, when there are so many contenders? We also have Eric Cantor, Jim DeMint, Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul … the list goes on. I could have a lot of fun running through the Republican House and Senate with a spinning cieling fan aimed at their faces.

      1. Radiotherapy

        Call me a misogynist, but a friend of mine was behind the Gingrich's (they were in 1st class natch) on a flight from Turkey and she snapped few photos. The hair, the helmet hair. I want to hit it with a baseball bat. Is it Kevlar or what? She also said Newt was a fat gross pig.

  22. MonkeyHamlet

    "Thank you ! Thank you! I was going to deliver a speech with some teeth in it but it would've been the only thing with teeth in this crowd! HEY YA! Y'all know what's worse than the smell of mothballs? Your diapers in the morning! Am I right, People?? Hey you've been a great crowd! Try the medicated applesauce before you go. Goodnight and good luck paying your medical bills, moochers!"

  23. SayItWithWookies

    Way to go, Paul Ryan — stand up in front of a bunch of people who are retired enough that they can actually study the issues and flat-out lie to them. Next you'll be saying your budget will cut the deficit, that tax cuts for everyone won't decrease revenue, and that what Springfield really needs is a monorail.

  24. C_R_Eature

    The Olds were hungry. And yet no one so much as touched the free bowls of Soylent Green that Paul Ryan had so thoughtfully provided.

  25. Self-Uploader

    First of all, they start reminding you that's its time to join before you're 50. Then they keep harassing you by mail. Plus I'm pretty sure they're working off of Nation subscriber lists. So most AARP olds aren't old-olds and most are savvy progressives. It actually took a lot of brass (as the Big Dog might say) for the little jerk to even show up.

  26. rickmaci

    That stench is the smell of RepubliCon fear. As a native Kenyan, I am sure the President knows this is when the lion strikes hard to finish off the prey.

  27. Blueb4sinrise

    It's not 'nurses and porters', it's

    these railroad station bars
    And all these conductors and porters, …..

    Hipster Tom Waits reference.
    I mention this because the vid won't play .

  28. FlyOverGirl

    Stupid scheduler booking events at the Denny's.

    In other news, why are we not talking about the Stick of Margarine at the Zoo and the liars at WaPo who try to call it a Stick of Butter?

    1. finallyhappy

      Did you see the Video? I couldn't tell what Mama panda was doing- it could have been her dinner and not the little rat thing she was licking

      1. HogeyeGrex

        Yeah, sorry. I made the mistake of thinking I could watch the clip without losing my snark and wanting to puke.

        But just look at the guy.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Not so fast, my friend. They would have taken the tennis balls off their walkers and beaned him with them.

  29. docterry6973

    Young Paulie moves out of the CPAC bubble and takes his fact-free ideology out to people who really do live this stuff, and they rip him a new one. With votes, I hope. It would be heaven if this ass did lose two elections on one day, but I will happy enough it he just loses the big one.

  30. MonkeyHamlet

    Consider this evidence of an alternate universe in which political candidates give speeches expecting to get heckled and thinking it will be a win. Let's call it the Charlie Sheen universe.

  31. mavenmaven

    In the audience was the similarly aged gentleman, Jimmy Page, who said that he felt Ryan also totally misunderstood his music.

  32. Antispandex

    Bad ideas:
    1.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference, if you aren't retired.
    2.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference after your boss has just told 47% of Americans they are lazy slobs.
    3.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference to atttempt to sell people on the idea that things could be fixed (in part) if they would just work longer and not be, you know, retired.
    4.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference to convince seniors, some of whom may be veterans, that government programs are satanic plots.
    I could go on, but really what is the point. Now, if we could get Ryan and Romney to feel the same way about their "campaign"….

  33. fuflans

    this reminds me of 'the bacchae'.

    which means paul ryan will end up in a tree dressed in woman's clothes and then he'll be ripped apart by a mob of angry women including his mother.

    with votes of course.

  34. BoatOfVelociraptors

    He seems like the kind of MBA who would keep a sick person at work, infecting the other employees rather than lose 16 man-hours of labor.

  35. Katydid

    I was making calls for Obama for America last night, and I spoke to a 70-year-old woman in Ohio, who initially said she was undecided on who to vote for. She didn't like Romney, but said she heard on Fox yesterday that Obama is going to privatize Medicare too, and that worried her.

    I told her it was a lie, and by the end of the call she said she was going to vote for Obama. Man, Fox is getting desperate. Just stone cold lyin' like Paul Ryan.

  36. LibertyLover

    You DON'T wag your finger in the faces of little olds womenz and menz…. and try to tell them about the benes of grouponing Medicare and Social Security when they had to watch their mas and pas eat cat food in their old age. The olds… they know some stuff, y'know?

  37. docterry6973

    But the American people are conservative! They love our ideas once they hear them. Or they should. Fuck 'em. We won't let them vote, and that will fix that.

  38. Blunderthing

    Wonder how long it will be before the Rom-Ry campaign spins this as "He was so brave to confront teh oldz on their own turf with hard troofs."

  39. valthemus

    Ryan's retinue of social-climbing sycophants continued to assure the candidate "That was great! That went so well!" while scooping up his shredded flesh and shattered bits of bone into various dustpans.

  40. tessiee

    OK, I almost never play any of the videos, because frankly, I'm dealing with enough right now, and the aggravation from playing the videos really need to take a number and get on line behind aging, chronic unemployment, dyfunctional family, bla bla bla…

    But this?
    Hearing that smarmy little fuck get drowned out by booing?
    I haven't smoked in decades, and I needed a cigarette after that.

  41. tessiee

    *goes Full Jersey*

    BOOOOO!
    FA-HAWK YOU!
    GET OFF THE FAWKIN STAGE, YA BAAAASTID!!
    *throws shoe*
    *bonk!*
    I hit him! Fa-hawkin Ay!
    *pumps fist*
    *high-fives Jukesgrrl*

  42. ttommyunger

    Young Paul Ryan probably had the same sinking feeling in his stomach that Gen. Custer had when he said to himself: "Where'd all these fucking Indians come from?".

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