BRUUUUUUUCE  1:44 pm September 21, 2012

Olds Tear Paul Ryan Into Bloody Paul Ryan Chunks At AARP Conference

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

They were hungry. So hungry. It was like the nurses and the porters at their “retirement” “communities” — jails, each and every one of them — were doing it on purpose, ignoring their wails for bigger portions of the lousy slop they called “food.” And they always stole everything that wasn’t locked down! They were starving inside their shriveled bodies, which didn’t need much in the way of sustenance or sleep, and even that they were not getting. And then Paul Ryan came to the stage.

“Blah blah blah I’m a giant liar who constantly lies, about everything,” he said, “We must repeal Obamacare.” They were on him in an instant. Mrs. James Worthrupp II was the first to hobble onto the stage and take her cane to him, and where Mrs. James Worthrupp II went, her best friend Liza always followed. Liza, who was rather whorish and always had an army of frail, withered penis from which to choose, dived onto the floor, her old woman breath in Paul Ryan’s face as she bit his ear clean off. The blood sent the others into their usual frenzy, and in 2.5 minutes (though it seemed both shorter and longer), Paul Ryan had been mauled into tiny little Paul Ryan shreds of lean meat and gristle.

Paul Ryan wasn’t very tasty — not enough fat — but he would have to do until the next earnest young man came to sell them some lies. [Mediaite]

 
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{ 266 comments }

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

The thought of Paul Ryan, possibly losing two elections in one night makes me giddy.

NorthStarSpanx September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I apologize for once thinking of him as conventionally cute, but he keeps opening his stupid mouth. Is this how Palin GILF'ers felt in the eight weeks she was forced down you Lower 48'er's throats?

HogeyeGrex September 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Can someone who looks that constipated be cute?

DemmeFatale September 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

He's such a little twerp!
That condescending crap isn't fooling anyone.
He must remind the olds of some shithead grandson know-it-all.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:24 pm

He reminds me of some shithead grandson know it all, and I don't even have kids.

415buzzard September 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

He has a face that just begs to be punched. Also sick of the endless stories of how "fit" he is. I bet he sucks in bed.

calliecallie September 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

I'm sure he's no Joe Biden.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:22 pm

"I bet he sucks in bed"

YES!!
You just know he's narcissistic, lazy, complains about everything, and doesn't like to give head.
Compare and contrast with Bill Clinton, even at his fattest.
You KNOW Bill and Hill used to shake the wallpaper off the walls, then go downstairs naked and eat everything in the fridge.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Oh. Well, some of us would still have fucked her…with a ball gag and ear plugs.

Grief_Lessons September 21, 2012 at 3:27 pm

She's a double-bagger.

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

I would have considered being third in an airtight, but only if the mouth was already done.

fuflans September 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

he does not appeal to me (i like my men darker, dirtier and less catholic).

moreover (and as you note) when he opens his mouth, that tinny little voice of his underscores the sheer vacuousness of his ideas.

i really believe he's not very smart. and i have yet to see any evidence in this campaign that i'm wrong.

BoroPrimorac September 21, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Yes.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:21 pm

Slide over on that bench, Northstar, because I've totally NEVER thought somebody was hott until they opened their mouth and proved, over and over again, that they were totally dunced-out and annoying, and I was thinking, "Please, I beg of you, for the love of God, stop talking, Ernie…"
Although it did happen to this friend of mine.

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I've never thought of him as conventionally cute, but I am a guy. I never though Palin was particularly good looking either, for whatever that's worth.

But in either case, once they start talking, fuck me Jesus.

Maman September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

No kidding.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

… sorry to, well I live nearby, they pimped in 2mill for him, and its god damn Janesville, the only way he can loose is if he runs over Aron Rodgers, … and then backs up over him. Its all they got.

tihond September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

There's video of him waving a terrible towel, that's almost as bad.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I'm not going to say anything football related like "Ben Roethlisberger couldn't rape his way out of a paper bag", or "Jay Cutler is the new Lambeau Field Turf Consultant", cause that would be mean.

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm

What, seriously a Steeler towel? This could sink his ass.

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

not Beloit, is it?

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Beloit is cosmoville, relatively.

coolhandnuke September 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

After Ryan loses both elections on the same night, the shame, the hollowness, the lack of power will lead to him losing two erections each night.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Although you really have to admire?? in a horrible way, the little snot's ambition in running for both offices; it really gives a new meaning to opportunistic.

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

What a beautiful sight…

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Really, that would be sweet. How's he polling in the race for his current seat?

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Polling is not close, We would need Santa to show up in November.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's to be expected: the money folks don't want him to lose twice.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

The big one here is Tammy (can she actually make it through a fucking sentence) Baldwin VS. the impossibly named Tommy Thompson, and if all goes well Reince Priebus will become Michael Steels man-servant.

Guppy September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

You're actually asking how a House election will turn out?

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Three, if you count the fact that running in 2016 will be off the table.

Boojum September 21, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I have to say I love this. Night of the Living Olds. Awesome.

Dumbedup September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

makes me….stand proud

MilwaukeeKent September 21, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Well, there is that terrible rumor going around that you can't vote for the same person twice on one ballot, you must choose one vote.

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Oh, do all you can to squelsh that rumor.**

** Ha. Haha. Hahaha.

Grief_Lessons September 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Giddy fifty, fifty giddy. I'm trying to make it work, but the rhyme is too forced. Happy Birthday, anyhow.

cassamandra September 21, 2012 at 6:46 pm

oh, you just made me happy. so very happy.

nounverb911 September 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Paul, it's not too late to go Galt.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

My parents went Galt, and all I got was a lousy T-shirt.

Studebaker Hawk September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Moocher!

memzilla September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

He hasn't gone Galt, he's gone Gigli.

hagajim September 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I thought he was speaking to the AARP, not the zombies.

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

let me say I am an AARP member and once a year, I do a Zombie walk- and I only started to so the zombie thing after I was old enough to be an AARP member. Angry old white women- we rock!

GeorgiaMike September 21, 2012 at 4:36 pm

As pissed as they were, you'd think he told them he was the guy who cancelled "Matlock."

Preferred Customer September 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Oh, I see. Came *to* the stage. I definitely did not read that right the first time.

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Sweet Jesus on a Jazzy, that schadened my fraude..

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Yuck. I bet all that p90x made him gristly. Better put him in the crock pot.

Nostrildamus September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Add fenugreek, bitter lemon.
Stick in a cucumber and a carrot.
Let stew to years.
Makes excellent slug repellent.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I'll bet some things taste better with a cucumber and a carrot shoved way up them, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Also, stick an apple in his mouth.
I don't know if it will taste better, but he won't be able to talk.

SmutBoffin September 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

And so it was discovered that Axe Body Spray was a good tenderizer…

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Blech! I was thinking about getting some lunch, but now I'm not hungry any more. Wonkette could advertise itself as an extremely effective diet aid…

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I wonder how many sales P90X has lost due to him. I know I was once considering trying it, before I heard of this asshole, but now if I do get a video it will be the Insanity one…

ThundercatHo September 21, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I saw that commercial, it looks awful and painful. I need something like yoga only you lay prone on the floor to meditate and then doze off.

chicken_thief September 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

If it's so jumpy and bouncy that it causes me to spill my beer then fuck it, I ain't doing it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I borrowed it from a friend. All the jumping around + my high arches + my fatt ass = a stress fracture in my foot. Oh, and he yells at people during his yoga workout.

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Yoga and yelling? Fuck that…

zippy_w_pinhead September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

a crack pot in the crock pot, how fitting…

memzilla September 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

… and then the tottering, shambling Oldz, the Kleig lights glistening off of their bared and blood-reddened fangs, covered up the still-twitching remains of Ryan with a gold-and-black paisley death panel (Quacker Factory, $39.95 plus S&H).

CindynEncinitas September 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Comes in large, 1X, 2X, 3X and beyond…

ThundercatHo September 21, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I think I saw a John Deere version at Cracker Barrel.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm

You left out the part where Noam Chomsky rips off his shirt, to reveal a bodybuilder's musculature, and punches Ryan's smug face through the back of his head.

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Speaking as a medium-oldz, we do still remember how gasoline works.

hagajim September 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I'd put bureaucrats in charge of Medicare too….because Congress can't do a fucking thing Congressman Ryan. Asshole.

BZ1 September 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Revenge of the Olds! (not the car)

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Kinda the opposite of how I imagined this scenario's converse — a nice Granny as a bunch of gristle and lean to Big Bad Wolf's palate going down — but this zombie-esque adaption of the fairy tale will serve me well for pleasant dreams tonight. Thank you Liza and the Worthrupp Widow!

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 1:50 pm

It's Soylent Green in reverse.

hagajim September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Would Mr. Ryan be Soylent peen?

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 2:03 pm

10% smaller, thanks to those damn feminazis.

ChickTract_Fil_A September 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Soylent Green is people too, my friend.

Radiotherapy September 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Haha, I was thinking it was Peter Popovich in reverse.

BartStarrland September 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Soylent Mauve is purple!!!

ph7 September 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Eat a dick, whippersnapper!

DaSandman September 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

His voice sounds like a husky girl.

Hammiepants September 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Such a smarmy lying sack of shit. I really wish one of the olds would come upside his head with a walker.

iburl September 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Scott Walker, preferably.

Pragmatist2 September 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm

That would be good video.

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 1:51 pm

This dickweasle could lose his house seat as well. Which would be double sWeet.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Oh please, oh please, oh please…

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

It's all those two-hour marathons. You don't get to develop the right kind of marbling.

NorthStarSpanx September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Labeling booing as mis-reaction is pretty damn good conservative spin.

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

God, keep it out of the college community or I'll be hearing "I didn't get that question wrong; I mis-answered it"

James Michael Curley September 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I always used, "My answer isn't wrong, you misinterpreted it."

Gleem McShineys September 21, 2012 at 6:23 pm

It's ok, Mitt's church has just finished retroactively baptizing the boos into cheers.

UW8316154 September 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

He must have mis-understood the meaning of bookng.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:32 pm

I thought he was saying "mixed reaction", although it sounded pretty unanimous to me; I for one did not hear any cheering.

cromiller September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Looks like a few folks will be getting a little arsenic in their pudding rations tonight.

Geminisunmars September 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Only if it is rice pudding.

cromiller September 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

ricin pudding?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The difference being?

ph7 September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Zombies don't eat dinner at 5:30pm.

HogeyeGrex September 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I've never heard the AARP version of "She's Not There."

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Well, I'm an AARP member (because, why not?), and I can still swivel and aim.

Baconzgood September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

GET OFF MY LAWN!!!!!!!

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

I've started saying that- not about my lawn though.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:32 pm

"…but enough about my sex life"
ba dum tish!

pepperpat September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Tastes like raisins.

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Shorter Ryan: "I'm going to tell you all the distorted crap I've been spewing all along and hope that these big puppy eyes will make you believe I have your best interests at heart".
Shorter (?) AARP: "We have some really big walking canes and we're not afraid to use them"

anniegetyerfun September 21, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I wonder if there were any Hoverrounds there? They could just keep running over him. I hear he has a bad back and can't run very far anymore.

HELisforHEL September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm suddenly proud of my AARP membership.

superdave September 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

They sent me a membership application. UNLIKE! I'm not THAT old, dammit!

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm

They've been sending me applications since I was in my early 30's. I'm still not old enough.

Chet Kincaid_ September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I know!!

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I rarely see a crowd of high information voters these days, I bow to the inherent "don't bring that week shit in here" aura.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

The Tea Party hates the AARP; that's good enough for me.
http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2009/12/right-win

Comrade Wingtardd September 21, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Oh hell yes. I would have thought they would cheer him at this point. This made my day.

shelwood46 September 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Apparently, many of them are smart enough to know that repeal Obamacare = reopen the closing donut hole in Medicare D. Or, they actually care about people not yet on Medicare (which may be some of them, since AARP includes people as young as 50).

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Um, what percent of the population are us useless oldz?….

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

And what percent of the *voters* are the oldz?

CindynEncinitas September 21, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Not very many since the new voting laws require IDs and they don't have them.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

47%?

HempDogbane September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Put him back on feed til he marbles.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I would like to live in a world where this would actually happen.

Sophist[Kochblocker] September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

…and that is why they call them "The Greatest Generation".

MadBrahms September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I like to imagine our Editrix is writing Ryan and Pegginton as two strands of a single epic story. Game of Thrones with less incest and more stunning political incompetence.

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Book 1 – A Game of Empty Chairs.

HistoriCat September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Needs more boobs breasts.

(Edited for clarity)

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Nothing like getting gang banged by a bunch of seniors.

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Rush Limbaugh admits he has a tiny dick, LMFAO breaks up, and now the olds rip Ryan apart; it's a great day for schadenfreude.

Sophist[Kochblocker] September 21, 2012 at 2:41 pm

It's only schadenfreude if you're ashamed to feel joyful.

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 2:45 pm

He's joyful and he knows it.

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Argh now I'll have that in my head all day. But they're still gone, so yay!

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:10 am

No, you're supposed to feel ashamed, but no human being who has actually experienced Schadenfreude has really felt ashamed about it.

Dumbedup September 21, 2012 at 3:15 pm

so much so that the cells that secrete schadenfreude are worn out and I need schadenfreude insulin!

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

He should have kept up his marathon training. With an under three-hour time, he should have been able to outrun the hoverrounds until the batteries gave out.

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I go to a senior exercise class- at almost 60- I am one of the younger people but not the most fit- some of these women and the men(well, the Chinese men) are amazing- they could kick some serious way younger butt.

edgydrifter September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

You may be a fit son of a bitch, Ryan, but this isn't a Kung-Fu movie, and they aren't going to come at you one at a time. P90X won't help you when you're on the bottom of a riled-up oldz zerg pile.

belmontreport September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I like how he plays into the misconception that people on Medicare aren't getting government provided healthcare. He makes it sound like Obamacare is controlled MORE by the government than Medicare. This is why my grandfather that lives off of SS benefits and Medicare is constantly bitching about the people that don't pay taxes and live off of the taxpayers dime.

The Republicans are so worried about Obamacare being completely enacted before they can start repealing it, because they know that soon everyone will love it as much as Medicare and Social Security and then they'll have no chance at repealing it.

Nostrildamus September 21, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Paul Ryan wasn’t very tasty — not enough fat…

Of course, silly. To tenderize, you need to marinate him in some rendered Christie.

chicken_thief September 21, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Where the hell you find a vat big enough to render Christie in?!

CivicHoliday September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Grannie don't play dat

johnnymeatworth September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

They went full Cocoon on his ass.

Indiepalin September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I'll have what you're having, Rebecca.

coolhandnuke September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

A well-regulated private militia of flesh eating, cane thumping, zombified seniors is protected under the 2nd Amendment.

11DeadlySins September 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Thanx. Best laugh of the day!

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

How fun. This is just like the scene in A Clockwork Orange where Little Alex – post Cure – has the shit beaten out of him by an angry pack of Olds.

Needs more tolchocking in the yarbles and gouts of red, red krovvy, though.

littlebigdaddy September 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I preferred Malcolm McDowell in Caligula, myself.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I liked the Beheading Machine in the Colosseum, myself.

Steverino247 September 21, 2012 at 2:51 pm

I liked Helen Mirren in Caligula. What movie were you guys watching?

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Helen Mirren's dance in Caligula was spectacular. Er…or so I heard. Yeah.

littlebigdaddy September 21, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I liked the masturbating bicycle thingy!

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Have I mentioned(yeah, I'm old- I forget) that I met Malcolm Mcdowell 3 years ago? He is very charming- I was almost totally unable to speak- I was so nervous but he carried on a conversation for us

Steverino247 September 21, 2012 at 4:00 pm

And you lived? Wow!

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Of course she lived. He was cured, all right!

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 4:27 pm

That's a great story and I'm sure he was completely charming.He seems to be a very natural and unassuming professional, from the interviews I've seen.

SexySmurf September 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Then Ryan added: "Your grandkids are stupid. I'm the one who cancelled JAG. Things are better now than they used to be." And then he walked on everybody's lawn.

littlebigdaddy September 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Did he diss Andy Griffith (which some Teatards srsly did)?

Pragmatist2 September 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Jumped the line at the Golden Buffet.

Ducksworthy September 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Wait Olds! The Ryan plan won't apply to you! Only to those under 55, who will be happy to honor you and pay for your retirement and Medicare while they scrounge for scraps… Oh wait. Maybe that won't work out so well after all.

MosesInvests September 21, 2012 at 2:12 pm

IOW, don't worry, we'll just screw your grandchildren over.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:19 am

It amazes me that the Repo strategery on this issue appears to be based on the assumption that we oldz either do not have children, or have forgotten about them.

chascates September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

But Jim DeMint has an editorial saying that AARP sold out seniors for Obamacare and if you can't trust Jim DeMint . . .

Oh, never mind.

RaflcaFlkaFlame September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

THEY WERE SAYING BOO-ERNS NOT BOO YOU LIBERTARDZ! IT'S BOO-ERNS

-Rafalca Flocka Flame

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Oooh, and Mittens just put out some tax returns, … its Friday, we should All Stop It, take a nap, and then maybe check the mail and forget all about thizzzzzzzz……

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

From the reality – based community:

In fact, Medicare’s chief actuary says the law “substantially improves” the system’s finances, and Ryan himself has embraced the same savings.

http://www.factcheck.org/2012/08/ryans-vp-spin/

HELisforHEL September 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Paul Ryan's girlfriend Morgan Fairchild says you're lying.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I don't mean to sound critical, but 'reality-based' & 'Ryan' don't seem to belong together in the same thought process?

docterry6973 September 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Reality? Hah, that's funny.

Joey_Blau September 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

oh jesus! thank you I thought I was going to have to look it up myself.

Ryan did sound impressive in his lying capability though.. I know that Obama cut money from future payments to Medicare Advantage plans (i.e. corporate welfare) and from some hospital reimbursements (i.e. $50 aspirin) and filled in the donut hole and did some other stuff I forget.

and of course the 15 wise men cannot actually DO anything.. but give advice.

Ducksworthy September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Death panel for Paul Ryan, now!

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

And I hope those seniors all live in swing states, preferably Ohio or Florida. Maybe Virginia too. Go oldz!

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Have to figure that probably half the people in that room were Republicans.

Blunderthing September 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"Old" ain't "stoopid" youse freekin' whippersnappers!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Hey Editrix, if you wrote a whole book like this I would totally buy copies for me and all my friends and family (5 total) even without the sexy vampires.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Hey- didja stop lobbying for talking animals already?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Ryan is a shitweasel, so close enough.

docterry6973 September 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Could we have a few sexy vampires?

Oblios_Cap September 21, 2012 at 1:59 pm

So, basically the GOP platform for the Oldz is that they should be happy to keep getting anything and to let their grandkids get squat.

Ducksworthy September 21, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Sounds like a sure recipe for Soylent Green to me.

CindynEncinitas September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Their grandkids can all get diabeetus.

GeorgiaBurning September 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Can we send Ann Romney there, to tell them how we've already done enough for you people?

Goonemeritus September 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Just because it’s common for people to get more fearful as they age don’t assume that they have nothing legitimate to fear. I’m only in my 50’s but this Ryan guy makes me want to curl up into a fetal position and scream for my mother.

mille derps September 21, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I feel the same & I'm in my 40's still…

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:21 am

Hmm, funny, I'm almost 65 and Ryan makes me want to find him and punch him in the nuts.

fartknocker September 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I think Paul just heard from the 47% and they are not happy.

PeaceWithHonor September 21, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Too bad about the tiny penis. Fucking feminazis

Mittens Howell, III September 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Yelp Review:

I thoroughly enjoyed the AARP Early Bird dinner.

The service was great and the spineless chicken entree had more body fat than was mentioned on the menu, so it was surprisingly tasty!

Mildred thought it was gristly and underdone, but I gobbled it down so quickly I thought I'd swallowed a bone–luckily it was just one of my dentures.

Thank God I have Medicare and can get that looked at!! HaHaHa *cough*

(47 stars out of 100)

Maman September 21, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Would he please stop dragging his poor mother to these events. I doubt she wants to be the token old.

Ducksworthy September 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Also, I once ran a marathon in under 3 hours: So you can believe everything I say.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm

"I ran nine miles in seven minutes; and I can still do it today." — "Shakey" Jake Woods

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:23 am

Actually, that's about the "authenticated" claim of Joe Smith and the Goldish Tablets.

TootsStansbury September 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I have been pretty busy today, but the bits of writing I've seen today on our wonkette have been quite tasty.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

BTW, someone needs to tell the AARP to stop emailing me.

VeraSevera September 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

OMG…a Wonkette over 50? I thought I was alone….

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

No, I'm not. THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 3:13 pm

But there are plenty of olds here. Didn't you see that picture of actor212? He's gotta be like 75 or 80.

OldWhiteLies September 21, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Hmmm. Surprising. Mebbe pack it up? Just not biting today, it seems. Bait still looks good so you could just put it back in the can and use it later.

Course he could be planning a sneak attack …

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm

He's probly asleep. Teh oldz go to bed early.

M. Bouffant September 21, 2012 at 7:39 pm

It's show biz trickery. He's 110 if he's a day.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:24 am

I hate to tell you this, but after you turn fifty, the blizzard of advertising will go to Force 5.

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I will be 60 in a year

M. Bouffant September 21, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Me too. Screw the yout'!

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:34 pm

HEY, I 'm an oldz – and, like most of us, I didn't appreciate being badly lied to by babyface Paul Ryan today….if you're going to lie, do it to some age group that hasn't lived long enough to see through this shit….

Kid_Charlemagne September 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

He's got the most punchable face in America.

vtxmcrider September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

How can you decide, when there are so many contenders? We also have Eric Cantor, Jim DeMint, Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul … the list goes on. I could have a lot of fun running through the Republican House and Senate with a spinning cieling fan aimed at their faces.

Radiotherapy September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Call me a misogynist, but a friend of mine was behind the Gingrich's (they were in 1st class natch) on a flight from Turkey and she snapped few photos. The hair, the helmet hair. I want to hit it with a baseball bat. Is it Kevlar or what? She also said Newt was a fat gross pig.

MadBrahms September 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Old Glory Robot Insurance is going to make a killing off of this Romney campaign.

MonkeyHamlet September 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

"Thank you ! Thank you! I was going to deliver a speech with some teeth in it but it would've been the only thing with teeth in this crowd! HEY YA! Y'all know what's worse than the smell of mothballs? Your diapers in the morning! Am I right, People?? Hey you've been a great crowd! Try the medicated applesauce before you go. Goodnight and good luck paying your medical bills, moochers!"

randcoolcatdaddy September 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Ryan went on to say that he doesn't particularly care for "Matlock" and "Murder She Wrote"…

SayItWithWookies September 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Way to go, Paul Ryan — stand up in front of a bunch of people who are retired enough that they can actually study the issues and flat-out lie to them. Next you'll be saying your budget will cut the deficit, that tax cuts for everyone won't decrease revenue, and that what Springfield really needs is a monorail.

emmelemm September 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Springfield really DOES need a monorail.

e_z September 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Smug Boy beat down, film at 11:00 (except on Fox)

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"In conclusion, my friends, Matlock was a Pussy" *mic drop*

MissTaken September 21, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Murder She Wrote, indeed

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

The Olds were hungry. And yet no one so much as touched the free bowls of Soylent Green that Paul Ryan had so thoughtfully provided.

Kid_Charlemagne September 21, 2012 at 2:16 pm

He's like a fucking composite of every smarmy Young Republican I have ever met.

Self-Uploader September 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

First of all, they start reminding you that's its time to join before you're 50. Then they keep harassing you by mail. Plus I'm pretty sure they're working off of Nation subscriber lists. So most AARP olds aren't old-olds and most are savvy progressives. It actually took a lot of brass (as the Big Dog might say) for the little jerk to even show up.

Caelan Aegana September 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Savvy progressives, except for that whole Medicare Part D thing.

rickmaci September 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

That stench is the smell of RepubliCon fear. As a native Kenyan, I am sure the President knows this is when the lion strikes hard to finish off the prey.

proudgrampa September 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

"In the jungle, the mighty jungle
The lion sleeps tonight…"

Wimoweh, indeed!

Blueb4sinrise September 21, 2012 at 2:17 pm

It's not 'nurses and porters', it's

these railroad station bars
And all these conductors and porters, …..

Hipster Tom Waits reference.
I mention this because the vid won't play .

FlyOverGirl September 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Stupid scheduler booking events at the Denny's.

In other news, why are we not talking about the Stick of Margarine at the Zoo and the liars at WaPo who try to call it a Stick of Butter?

finallyhappy September 21, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Did you see the Video? I couldn't tell what Mama panda was doing- it could have been her dinner and not the little rat thing she was licking

FlyOverGirl September 22, 2012 at 10:58 am

Ya, it was like a chew toy.

HogeyeGrex September 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

What a smarmy, wretched turd Ryan is.

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Oh….that's not snark….

HogeyeGrex September 21, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Yeah, sorry. I made the mistake of thinking I could watch the clip without losing my snark and wanting to puke.

But just look at the guy.

Oblios_Cap September 21, 2012 at 2:19 pm

At least Eddie Munster was likeable.

At least I thought so when I was much younger.

Generation[redacted] September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

That went well.

imissopus September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Are they booing because they agree with him or because they know he's full of shit?

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 2:31 pm

They were saying "Boo-urns"!

LibrarianX September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Spare´╗┐ some copper, me brother, if you have any yarbles:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42NWhheTaQU

schvitzatura September 25, 2012 at 6:19 am

Then there was like a sea of dirty smelly old men, trying to get at your Humble Narrator, with their feeble rookers and horny old claws. It was old age having a go at youth, and I just kept on being a right bratchny droog, oh me brothers!
http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/a-clockwork-orange?b

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Let's test his great "plan" on his Moms. Patient zero, as it were.

skmind September 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Now there was a time when his sprinting skills could have been used to outrun the olds

Oblios_Cap September 21, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Not so fast, my friend. They would have taken the tennis balls off their walkers and beaned him with them.

docterry6973 September 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Young Paulie moves out of the CPAC bubble and takes his fact-free ideology out to people who really do live this stuff, and they rip him a new one. With votes, I hope. It would be heaven if this ass did lose two elections on one day, but I will happy enough it he just loses the big one.

Nesnora September 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The outrage goes double for women— Get out of my bush and off my lawn!

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:41 pm

You are old – bush?….

Nesnora September 21, 2012 at 3:58 pm

not really, but I really enjoy referring to genitalia as topiary. Mine is the shape of an angry giraffe.

MonkeyHamlet September 21, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Consider this evidence of an alternate universe in which political candidates give speeches expecting to get heckled and thinking it will be a win. Let's call it the Charlie Sheen universe.

MoeDeLawn September 21, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Zombie-eyed granny starver.

–C. Pierce

mavenmaven September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

In the audience was the similarly aged gentleman, Jimmy Page, who said that he felt Ryan also totally misunderstood his music.

smitallica September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Fapped to this. Is that wrong?

emmelemm September 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Nope.

greenloner September 21, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Hey, them as can, does. It's all good!

Antispandex September 21, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Bad ideas:
1.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference, if you aren't retired.
2.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference after your boss has just told 47% of Americans they are lazy slobs.
3.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference to atttempt to sell people on the idea that things could be fixed (in part) if they would just work longer and not be, you know, retired.
4.) Going to an A.A.R.P. conference to convince seniors, some of whom may be veterans, that government programs are satanic plots.
I could go on, but really what is the point. Now, if we could get Ryan and Romney to feel the same way about their "campaign"….

fuflans September 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

this reminds me of 'the bacchae'.

which means paul ryan will end up in a tree dressed in woman's clothes and then he'll be ripped apart by a mob of angry women including his mother.

with votes of course.

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:29 am

Pentheus sees everything twice.

johnnyzhivago September 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

They weren't booing him – they were oooo-ing his abs!

HistoriCat September 21, 2012 at 2:42 pm

I found this post surprisingly easy to masturbate to.

TheMightyHaltor September 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I'll bet he ran out of there pretty fast. But not as fast as he'll say he ran 20 years from now.

BartStarrland September 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

They weren't booing. Retired Amercan baseball Person Lou Piniella had just walked in.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 2:48 pm

He seems like the kind of MBA who would keep a sick person at work, infecting the other employees rather than lose 16 man-hours of labor.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:44 pm

If Ryan and Romney actually had to work for a living, they'd be Bill Lundbergh from "Office Space".

Katydid September 21, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I was making calls for Obama for America last night, and I spoke to a 70-year-old woman in Ohio, who initially said she was undecided on who to vote for. She didn't like Romney, but said she heard on Fox yesterday that Obama is going to privatize Medicare too, and that worried her.

I told her it was a lie, and by the end of the call she said she was going to vote for Obama. Man, Fox is getting desperate. Just stone cold lyin' like Paul Ryan.

KotBR September 21, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Mixed reaction, Paul? You're lucky you didn't get a bag of hard candy upside the head.

HouseOfTheBlueLights September 21, 2012 at 2:58 pm

This just in: Old People Not The Slobbering Idiots Republicans Think They Are

KotBR September 21, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Unfortunately for Paul Ryan, these folks were alive back when we used to spend money on education.

mrblifil September 21, 2012 at 3:01 pm

He seems to really enjoy lying.

LibertyLover September 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

You DON'T wag your finger in the faces of little olds womenz and menz…. and try to tell them about the benes of grouponing Medicare and Social Security when they had to watch their mas and pas eat cat food in their old age. The olds… they know some stuff, y'know?

docterry6973 September 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

But the American people are conservative! They love our ideas once they hear them. Or they should. Fuck 'em. We won't let them vote, and that will fix that.

Blunderthing September 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Wonder how long it will be before the Rom-Ry campaign spins this as "He was so brave to confront teh oldz on their own turf with hard troofs."

Trinket September 21, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I think they can tell he's lying.

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Fukkin' A…..

GeorgiaMike September 21, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Hey, Paul. Ken Osmond called. He wants his personality back.

valthemus September 21, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Ryan's retinue of social-climbing sycophants continued to assure the candidate "That was great! That went so well!" while scooping up his shredded flesh and shattered bits of bone into various dustpans.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:15 pm

OK, I almost never play any of the videos, because frankly, I'm dealing with enough right now, and the aggravation from playing the videos really need to take a number and get on line behind aging, chronic unemployment, dyfunctional family, bla bla bla…

But this?
Hearing that smarmy little fuck get drowned out by booing?
I haven't smoked in decades, and I needed a cigarette after that.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:18 pm

*goes Full Jersey*

BOOOOO!
FA-HAWK YOU!
GET OFF THE FAWKIN STAGE, YA BAAAASTID!!
*throws shoe*
*bonk!*
I hit him! Fa-hawkin Ay!
*pumps fist*
*high-fives Jukesgrrl*

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Fox news claiming they were saying "Roo-iyan" in 5…
4…
3…

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:23 pm

That voice is why blah people call us "honkies".

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Everyone knows old people hardly ever vote.

ttommyunger September 21, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Young Paul Ryan probably had the same sinking feeling in his stomach that Gen. Custer had when he said to himself: "Where'd all these fucking Indians come from?".

bobbert September 22, 2012 at 12:32 am

Fuck me. Hey, Paul, come out to the Coast and address an AARP group. Pleeaaze…

DahBoner September 23, 2012 at 10:07 am

I love happy endings!

bobbert September 21, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Tammy vs Tommy will really be a pretty good indicator of Sconnie thinking (and turn-out).

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