fight for the right to your party

Chris Wallace Rumbles With Peggy Noonan For Control Of The Gang

Let's go do some crimes She’d killed him. She’d killed Mitt. She’d stuck her blade between his ribs, counting down from the top to mark where his heart was. (In this story, Mitt Romney had a heart.) And now everyone was going fucking nuts. Twitchy was mouthing off to Big Bill. Chris Wallace was struggling to find the gonads to challenge Pegs for control of the gang. (Nobody cared what Brooksy said, he was a no-account loser who wasn’t really even in the gang. Sometimes they used him to messenger stuff, when there weren’t any grade school kids handy.) “She ain’t no big thing. She ain’t so tough.” Chris Wallace was screwing up his courage. The gang needed a new fucking leader, one who wasn’t constantly murdering them, like she’d done with Bushy, and Mac, and whoever it was who came before that. It seemed like she murdered everyone in some weird communion with Ronnie. Always Fucking Ronnie. It never stopped.

“Peggy Noonan has ratfucked George W. Bush, ratfucked Mitt Romney, wasn’t crazy about McCain. Her gangleader bona fides I’m not sure I take too seriously,” Chris Wallace told himself. “[Gangsters] like Peggy Noonan, sometimes they’re New York City’s idea of gangsters.”

Fuck. Chris Wallace wasn’t going to be able to go through with it. She was the meanest bitch this side of the narcos. He heard a noise behind him. Fuck, he hadn’t said that to himself? He’d said it to FUCKING POLITICO???

Like an alley cat, she was on him. All nails and hissing and biting at his face with razor teeth (like the kind in vaginas). Chris Wallace fell to the ground, struggling to keep her off him … and then he awoke. He knew better than to rumble with Peggy Noonan in waking life. He turned on the teevee to cheer himself up. He watched some idiots try to roast marshmallows with their fucking hands. It was a rerun from like three years before. He didn’t care. He had a good laugh, then went and got sushi, and didn’t pay.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. OneDollarJuana

      "I worked with Mike Wallace, I knew Mike Wallace, Mike Wallace was a friend of mine. Chris Wallace, you are no Mike Wallace."

    1. the_deliverator

      I have been waiting all day for it. I twatted to our lovely wonkette, and this appeared. MAGIC, I tell you!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, what is it about some old, drunk, Regan-worshipping, has-been society dame that drives our Wonkette to such great writerly heights?

        Bless you Peggy Noonan; oh great muse of snark!

    2. Native_of_SL_UT

      I do too.
      I also enjoy watching drunks fall down in the street.
      I might enjoy these things for the wrong reasons.

      1. CindynEncinitas

        Tis Friday! aka get shitfaced with your friends if they're not already under the table by the time you get off work! Useless fucks!

    3. Boojum

      They are my new favorite thing, although the Olds eating Paul Ryan was also a goodness.

      I think I may need psychotherapy, considering what I just said.

      1. Boojum

        "Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabacthani!", cried the pundits, as they watched Mittens dissolve into a pasty, plastic goo.

    1. Mahousu

      The Supreme Court of India during the early years of British rule (which employed native pundits to interpret the śastras)?

  1. Goonemeritus

    I need to start reading more current fiction. Best I can tell you are referencing something other than Moby Dick.

    1. Ruhe

      Actually I think there is a Moby Dick reference here in so far as the "appalling ocean of Reagan nostalgia surrounds this verdant land"…and leads us all, the editrix included, by winding paths back to his Noonan-fellated corpse.

    2. Weenus299

      Dark Lord Cheney is sitting back, watching all this play out. Then he'll be all light sabers until his transplanted heart blackens and dies.

  2. MissTaken

    My boss is currently stuck in an elevator with one of my coworkers. Two go in, one comes out. Shit has gotten real.

      1. MadBrahms

        Whenever I hear that song, all I think of is " 'I'll show ya how to fax in the mailroom honey", which has got to be on the top 10 list for worst sex-lyrics of all time.

        I bet it's on Paul Ryan's iPod.

    1. fatbob54

      The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!

  3. Thurman Munster IV

    Where you're a nyet you're nyet all the way
    From your first ayn rand book
    To your last gay bashing day

    The Snarks

    1. UnholyMoses

      She is a tad insane in that old membrane, ain't she?

      Doubt she has cops trying to come and snatch her crops, though.

  4. MacRaith

    Oh, it is such a beautiful thing when conservatives eat their own. Let them destroy each other until the conservative movement is small enough to drown in a bathtub. Of votes, naturally.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          That movie has as many quotable lines as Big Lebowski, if not more.
          "Happens sometimes. People just explode."
          When I was on my geology field camp, we were out in the Rockies checking out the metamorphics and igneous intrusions and dikes (heh-heh) and all the stuff we never got to see down in flat old boring sedimentary limestone south Texas. Most of us were Repo heads, and the call-and-response catchphrase whenever we came upon some awesome geologic formation became:
          "Wow, this is intense!"
          "Life of a geo-man is always intense, kid."

          1. MIsterbee6

            "What are you, some kinda fucking Communist? I don't allow no Communists in my car. No Christians neither."

          2. glasspusher

            Fuckin' A we ripped your car, asshole! You wanna know who told us where it was? Your goddamn brother!

            That film will be required viewing in any American Culture class of worth.

  5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This story would be better if it had some sexy vampires havin sex and stuff. And maybe some kind of talking animal.

        1. C_R_Eature

          If it isn't it should be. Oprah fighting sexy talking Cephalopods in Space is something even I'd go see.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Outstanding. That's way more useful than my useless talent: making up pornographic lyrics to annoying pop songs.

          2. C_R_Eature

            Yeah, not when you're in a staff meeting and you catch yourself singing

            "Spout, spout, spew it all out
            Jiz is the stuff that I'm talkin' about
            Come on, I'm comin' on you, come on!"

            under your breath.

  6. ThankYouJeebus

    Completely OT, but am so freaking excited to see the Space Shuttle fly over San Francisco this morning.

    1. fartknocker

      I saw it from my front porch this AM. It was an awesome sight.

      I really hope we resurrect more space exploration in the next two decades.

    1. Baconzgood


  7. C_R_Eature

    Chris: "I blame Society. Society made me what I am."

    Peggy: "That's bullshit! You're a white suburban punk just like me."

  8. BarackMyWorld

    So…what's the beltway-revered unofficial official book about this campaign going to be called?
    "Blame Change"?
    "Tales of the Circular Firing Squad"?
    "Dog Shit"?


    1. randcoolcatdaddy

      Peggy's already got the name of the book in her latest column:

      "This week I called [the Romney campaign] incompetent, but only because I was being polite," she wrote. "I really meant "rolling calamity."

    2. Geminisunmars

      "Hitting the Fan"?
      "Great Expectorations"?
      "Mobs of Dicks"?
      "All the Teabags in China"?
      "Confederacy of Duncekopfs"?

  9. Mittens Howell, III

    New Fox and Friends Mission statement: 'I love the smell of Boy scout campout in the morning.'

  10. Poindexter718

    Peg braced Mitt.
    Peg channeled Ronnie rage.
    Peg side sapped Mitt.
    Mitt spit molars.
    The Mormons yucked it up.
    Chicago yucked it up, concurrant.

  11. Geminisunmars

    "Gov. John Sununu criticized Noonan, a Wall Street Journal columnist, for her attacks on Romney, telling MSNBC, 'I wouldn't hire Peggy Noonan to run a campaign.' "

    Then he added, "Much less to give me a blow job."

  12. Weenus299

    You know, if Pegs hoisted a shiv right into Sununu's rotting corpse, I think I would kind of like her. But every time I think that, she does that Reagan's-spirit-is-in-my-fingers-and-toungue thing, which albeit kinky, gets pretty old.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Shes been around long enough to see which way the winds are blowing. And been a professional hack writer long enough she can get at least a couple "I told you so" columns in after Mitt's ship goes down for good. This is the groundwork.

  13. hagajim

    Seems like Egg might have the cojones to take on the Pegster, oh, except she can't get anyone to follow her li'l cunty self.

  14. Native_of_SL_UT

    The important question not answered here is whether Noonan would have allowed Doocy to continue roasting the marshmallow with his fingers.

    1. Weenus299

      Ahhh, don't go there. You'll begin a meme of "The nukular bomb blossoms because Peggy Noonan allows it to exist" comments.

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    I watched about 5 minutes of Jeopardy a while back.
    It made me laugh because Chris was on and did not win on a single answer in the "fair and balanced" category.

  16. Tommy1733

    Um, did you say vaginas have sharp teeth in them? That explains a lot. I'm switching to gay full-time before I get hurt.

  17. Comrade Wingtardd

    Mitt: "… in the end, I blame society. Society is what made me the way I am" <coughs, dies>
    Noonan: "No, Mitt, you're just another rich douchebag, just like me"

    edit: damnit, someone beat me to it

    1. HELisforHEL

      I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hope that he finally realizes that there is no point in trying to work with the fucktard party and that he should just shove policy through by bullying and embarrassing them into submission. Fuck this 'center' nonsense.

  18. LibrarianX

    Praying mantis are beautiful insects with a voracious appetite, and a delight to have in the garden. Being strictly carnivorous, they'll eat almost any insect of a size they can overcome. Waiting in quiet ambush for hours at a time, when an insect comes wandering by they suddenly jump out and attack – always biting the neck first.

    1. LibrarianX

      Mantids have NO problem with cannibalism and will "thin the herd" themselves. Chris Wallace – you have been warned.

  19. Chet Kincaid_

    Someone else mentioned it the other day: in her new bluntness (though still mixed with her kindergartener's notion of elegant, artful prose) Noonan is starting to merge stylistically with Maureen Dowd. She's come a long way from the days when she sang Palin's praises on air and cursed her on the hot mic. Hell, she has come a long way since that stupid fucking column at the end of the Republican convention, when everything was wonderful and Mitt was her shining prince.

    1. bobbert

      I hate Peggy Noonan. I can't even indulge in playful snark about Peggy Noonan. She bought into Saint Ronnie early on, based on nothing but his personal presence, and she employed her speech-writing skills (which were, sadly, decent until she succumbed to rich-has-been syndrome) to further the goals of Ronnie's handlers.

      I hate Peggy Noonan. I cannot imagine the event or series of events that would make me stop hating Peggy Noonan.


      EDIT: Maybe if she personally took out Scalia.

  20. HogeyeGrex

    Y'know, I've been saying for almost twelve years now that no, it ain;t "1984", it's "Lord of the Flies".

  21. neiltheblaze

    Who to root for – the alcoholic propaganda typist, or the nepotistic legacy hire…. decisions…..

  22. docterry6973

    Wallace calling out who? The speechwriter responsible for so much of St. Ronnie's glib nonsense? A co-inventor of fact-free politics? A woman whose name is already engraved on the Pantheon of Bullshit Artists? The idea that a third-stringer like Wallace can call out a Hall of Famer like Noonan is absurd on its face.

  23. fuflans

    these are really great reading (seriously – just fab).

    however, i do find it hard to believe peggy could actually keep a blade steady enough to do any damage.

  24. Chichikovovich

    Wallace says that Her Noonest isn't a real conservative because (inter alia) she dumped on Bush II? What's the deal, I thought everybody on the right was agreed that Bush II wasn't a True Conservative. Why wasn't Dame Peggy just pointing out this? Which makes her a super-True Conservative herself.

    It's so tough to keep the story straight when you're trying to put a lid on as many inconvenient facts as Fox tries to obscure. Reality will always fight back.

  25. ffredpalakon

    "Do you like marshmallows, hon?" Peg asked, her fingers gently caressing Wallace's sweat stained cheek, the touch ending at the duct tape that sealed his mouth. "Do you like white marshmallows, like Lindsay Graham? Are you a…marshmallow man?" And then she erupted in a seizing, maniacal laugh, the grim noise that was the last thing on earth heard by many. Peg then stuffed her mouth thick with white marshmallows, her voice barely discernible under the fluffy mass: "You better enjoy marshmallows. When these suckers leave me in fetid brown chunks, you'll be spending eternity with them. Chrissy, you're about to move to…Gowanus!" Another drop of sweat dropped down Chris's cheek…no, not sweat: a tear, a tear of joy. It would soon be over.

    You bring Repo Man, I bring Rooftops. Kudos again.

  26. WeHaveIssues

    Ratfucked? Totally a biology newbie but I wasn't aware rats fucked any differently than the rest of us?

  27. Joey_Blau

    SWEET FUCKING PROSE! wow .. can you make this into an illustrated book?

    I have to read all the comments.. thanks!!

Comments are closed.