Let's go do some crimes She’d killed him. She’d killed Mitt. She’d stuck her blade between his ribs, counting down from the top to mark where his heart was. (In this story, Mitt Romney had a heart.) And now everyone was going fucking nuts. Twitchy was mouthing off to Big Bill. Chris Wallace was struggling to find the gonads to challenge Pegs for control of the gang. (Nobody cared what Brooksy said, he was a no-account loser who wasn’t really even in the gang. Sometimes they used him to messenger stuff, when there weren’t any grade school kids handy.) “She ain’t no big thing. She ain’t so tough.” Chris Wallace was screwing up his courage. The gang needed a new fucking leader, one who wasn’t constantly murdering them, like she’d done with Bushy, and Mac, and whoever it was who came before that. It seemed like she murdered everyone in some weird communion with Ronnie. Always Fucking Ronnie. It never stopped.

“Peggy Noonan has ratfucked George W. Bush, ratfucked Mitt Romney, wasn’t crazy about McCain. Her gangleader bona fides I’m not sure I take too seriously,” Chris Wallace told himself. “[Gangsters] like Peggy Noonan, sometimes they’re New York City’s idea of gangsters.”

Fuck. Chris Wallace wasn’t going to be able to go through with it. She was the meanest bitch this side of the narcos. He heard a noise behind him. Fuck, he hadn’t said that to himself? He’d said it to FUCKING POLITICO???

Like an alley cat, she was on him. All nails and hissing and biting at his face with razor teeth (like the kind in vaginas). Chris Wallace fell to the ground, struggling to keep her off him … and then he awoke. He knew better than to rumble with Peggy Noonan in waking life. He turned on the teevee to cheer himself up. He watched some idiots try to roast marshmallows with their fucking hands. It was a rerun from like three years before. He didn’t care. He had a good laugh, then went and got sushi, and didn’t pay.


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  • nounverb911

    Chris Wallace fights like a six year old girl.

    • OneDollarJuana

      "I worked with Mike Wallace, I knew Mike Wallace, Mike Wallace was a friend of mine. Chris Wallace, you are no Mike Wallace."

      • Terry

        Ain't that the friggin truth

    • SorosBot

      Why do you have to insult our nation's six year old girls like that?

    • Callyson

      I know some six year old girls who could kick the shit out of Chris Wallace.

  • I have to say I adore these Peggy Noonan posts.

    • the_deliverator

      I have been waiting all day for it. I twatted to our lovely wonkette, and this appeared. MAGIC, I tell you!

    • memzilla

      … because it gives Editrix and Ginger von Newell teh ammunition.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Seriously, what is it about some old, drunk, Regan-worshipping, has-been society dame that drives our Wonkette to such great writerly heights?

        Bless you Peggy Noonan; oh great muse of snark!

        • Guppy

          The "drunk" portion, obvs.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      I do too.
      I also enjoy watching drunks fall down in the street.
      I might enjoy these things for the wrong reasons.

      • CindynEncinitas

        Tis Friday! aka get shitfaced with your friends if they're not already under the table by the time you get off work! Useless fucks!

    • HogeyeGrex

      I fourth that, or wevs.

      'Tis wunnerful.

      • emmelemm

        'S marrr-velous.

    • Boojum

      They are my new favorite thing, although the Olds eating Paul Ryan was also a goodness.

      I think I may need psychotherapy, considering what I just said.

  • tbogg

    I approve this message

  • memzilla

    Say, you know you else used pundits to cast doubt on others' "conservative bona fides" … ?

    • C_R_Eature

      Silvio Berlusconi?

    • The demon sheep who cried, "RINO!"?

      • Boojum

        "Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabacthani!", cried the pundits, as they watched Mittens dissolve into a pasty, plastic goo.

    • Every "True Conservative" pundit ever?

    • Not_So_Much

      Ghengis Khan?

    • Callyson

      Rupert Murdoch?

    • Mahousu

      The Supreme Court of India during the early years of British rule (which employed native pundits to interpret the ┼Ťastras)?

  • SorosBot

    Who is Chris Wallace again?

    • ph7

      A man spending his life protecting his inheritance from taxation.

    • nounverb911

      Someone who's dead father is ashamed of?

      • LesBontemps

        He's Mitt Romney?

  • Someone's come out to play.

  • Goonemeritus

    I need to start reading more current fiction. Best I can tell you are referencing something other than Moby Dick.

    • Ruhe

      Actually I think there is a Moby Dick reference here in so far as the "appalling ocean of Reagan nostalgia surrounds this verdant land"…and leads us all, the editrix included, by winding paths back to his Noonan-fellated corpse.

      • Goonemeritus

        I am in awe of your smartness.

        • And snark that's hanging with Billy Budd instead of Billy Kristol?

    • Weenus299

      Dark Lord Cheney is sitting back, watching all this play out. Then he'll be all light sabers until his transplanted heart blackens and dies.

    • FACT CHECK: Repo Man is in fact based upon Moby Dick

      Source: FOX News

    • Steverino247

      Call me Ishmael, motherfucker!

    • CindynEncinitas

      Yeah, Chris Wallace and Peggington Nooningshire battle for control of Bleak House. Weeeeee!

  • GlowneyHouse

    I know their stupidity is to blame for their sorry campaign,, but somehow I feel society is to blame.

    • LesBontemps

      Oh, so you're a Democrat?

      • Constantly thinking of him/herself as a victim and demanding a government handout.

    • whatupirondog

      Just for that, you're not in the gang anymore!

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    This reads like the Punk Testament of The Boomer Bible.

    • KeepFnThatChicken

      Holy Jesus, ten people fucking get this joke. I love that book.

  • memzilla

    This user has been deleted by the comment

  • MissTaken

    My boss is currently stuck in an elevator with one of my coworkers. Two go in, one comes out. Shit has gotten real.

    • SorosBot

      Sounds like an occasion for love in an elevator; livin' it up while we're goin' down.

      • MadBrahms

        Whenever I hear that song, all I think of is " 'I'll show ya how to fax in the mailroom honey", which has got to be on the top 10 list for worst sex-lyrics of all time.

        I bet it's on Paul Ryan's iPod.

      • Baconzgood

        You're a mean person for getting that song in my head. Just for that….

    • C_R_Eature
    • MissTaken

      They just got out. Well, my boss did. The other guy, we aren't allowed to talk about him anymore.

    • CindynEncinitas

      Two go in, 3 come out. We are bless'ed!

  • Grief_Lessons

    Wallace: I love you, Pumpkin
    Peggy: I love you, Honey Bunny

    • fatbob54

      The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!

      • Steverino247

        Yeah, but it still says "Bad Mother Fucker" on the President's wallet…

  • nounverb911

    Chris Wallace's Honey Boo Boo nickname is Crazy Wisteria.

  • SexySmurf

    Hey Chris, Peggy puts Conservative snitches in ditches.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Where you're a nyet you're nyet all the way
    From your first ayn rand book
    To your last gay bashing day

    The Snarks

    • Geminisunmars

      They have a social disease!

  • finallyhappy

    Everytime Chris speaks, his dad rolls over again

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Poor Mike, he appears to have a bad case of hamster wheel.

  • Baconzgood

    "Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?"

    -Peggy "O.G." Noonan-

    • UnholyMoses

      She is a tad insane in that old membrane, ain't she?

      Doubt she has cops trying to come and snatch her crops, though.

      • Steverino247

        That's how Noonan got pregnant. Her English teacher told her to do an ese.

    • CindynEncinitas

      She's so G…

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    I love a good Village-sploitation movie.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Debbi: Duke, let's go do some crimes.
    Duke: Yeah. Let's go get sushi and not pay.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Pegz and Eggs, they aren't just for breakfast anymore.

  • MacRaith

    Oh, it is such a beautiful thing when conservatives eat their own. Let them destroy each other until the conservative movement is small enough to drown in a bathtub. Of votes, naturally.

  • 738838

    Love the Repo Man reference.

    • "Let's like get sushi and not pay."

      Still one of my all time favorite quotes.

      • 738838

        Along with "Put it on a plate dear, It'll taste better".

        • BaldarTFlagass

          That movie has as many quotable lines as Big Lebowski, if not more.
          "Happens sometimes. People just explode."
          When I was on my geology field camp, we were out in the Rockies checking out the metamorphics and igneous intrusions and dikes (heh-heh) and all the stuff we never got to see down in flat old boring sedimentary limestone south Texas. Most of us were Repo heads, and the call-and-response catchphrase whenever we came upon some awesome geologic formation became:
          "Wow, this is intense!"
          "Life of a geo-man is always intense, kid."

          • MIsterbee6

            "What are you, some kinda fucking Communist? I don't allow no Communists in my car. No Christians neither."

          • glasspusher

            Fuckin' A we ripped your car, asshole! You wanna know who told us where it was? Your goddamn brother!

            That film will be required viewing in any American Culture class of worth.

      • Joey_Blau

        better still

        "What about our relationship?"
        "what? Fuck that!"
        "I'm glad I tortured you!"

  • ahnc

    I love the smell of Republicans turning on each other in the morning….anytime actually.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    "Always fucking Ronnie," and she still is today. Of course, his dick IS a little smaller these days.

    • pepperpat

      T'was the Feminazis what did it.

    • Boojum

      Well, that's because it is dried, but the varnish is holding up really well.

  • freakishlywrong

    Fuck, that gave me a wide-on.

  • salt_bagel

    I am the only daddy you got!! I'm the damn paterfamilias!!

  • You know who can roast tiny marshmallows with their fingers? Dragon ladies and Robots.

    • UnholyMoses

      "You know who can roast tiny marshmallows with their fingers?"


  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This story would be better if it had some sexy vampires havin sex and stuff. And maybe some kind of talking animal.

    • mille derps

      Talking animals are the bomb!

    • C_R_Eature

      Needs moar Cephalopods.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Yes! Sexy, talking, fighting cephalopods! And is that Oprah? That sounds like Oprah.

        • C_R_Eature

          If it isn't it should be. Oprah fighting sexy talking Cephalopods in Space is something even I'd go see.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Googled it. Its Oprah. I'm good with voices like that. Another useless talent.

          • C_R_Eature

            Outstanding. That's way more useful than my useless talent: making up pornographic lyrics to annoying pop songs.

          • HistoriCat

            How can you call "making up pornographic lyrics to annoying pop songs" useless? That's golden!

          • C_R_Eature

            Yeah, not when you're in a staff meeting and you catch yourself singing

            "Spout, spout, spew it all out
            Jiz is the stuff that I'm talkin' about
            Come on, I'm comin' on you, come on!"

            under your breath.

          • emmelemm

            Are you kidding? That's fucking genius.

          • BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I know, right? I've been singing it all day!

          • C_R_Eature

            Tell that to my boss.

          • CindynEncinitas

            How about "bone her only where she farts?" Hmmmmm?

          • CindynEncinitas


    • Bill O'Reilly?

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Only one true way to know if your Peggz loves you-if she'll have yo' dog.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    Completely OT, but am so freaking excited to see the Space Shuttle fly over San Francisco this morning.

    • No shite? Thank you, ThankYouJeebus!

    • fartknocker

      I saw it from my front porch this AM. It was an awesome sight.

      I really hope we resurrect more space exploration in the next two decades.

    • MissTaken

      We're killing the bandwidth at work by watching the stream.

    • Good drugs in San Francisco, eh?

    • Steverino247

      I'd rather see the USS Enterprise firing phasers at Romney campaign offices.

  • ChrisM2011

    There's only one answer: GOP Thunderdome!!!

    • Baconzgood


  • C_R_Eature

    Chris: "I blame Society. Society made me what I am."

    Peggy: "That's bullshit! You're a white suburban punk just like me."

    • Steverino247

      Yeah, but losing the Presidential Elections in a landslide still hurts…

      • C_R_Eature

        Belatedly Upfisted!

  • Estproph

    I'm waiting for Peggy Noonan Star Trek crossover pornfic, myself.

    • sudsmckenzie

      The Wrath of Cunt

      • C_R_Eature

        The Search for Cock

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Star Trek: Dowager

          • C_R_Eature

            Seriously Upfisted.

            Star Dick: The Next Genitalia

          • Star Trek: The Wrath of Ronnie

  • Oblios_Cap

    Thankfully I've never come across any of the vagina dentata. That image always makes me shiver.

  • BarackMyWorld

    So…what's the beltway-revered unofficial official book about this campaign going to be called?
    "Blame Change"?
    "Tales of the Circular Firing Squad"?
    "Dog Shit"?


    • C_R_Eature

      "Acrockofshit Now"

    • randcoolcatdaddy

      Peggy's already got the name of the book in her latest column:

      "This week I called [the Romney campaign] incompetent, but only because I was being polite," she wrote. "I really meant "rolling calamity."

    • Weenus299

      Like one of those silly Battle Royals in the 1980s era WWF.

    • Blueb4sinrise


    • C_R_Eature

      "Blithering Heights"

      • mille derps


        • C_R_Eature

          I've wanted to use that for years.

    • Geminisunmars

      "Hitting the Fan"?
      "Great Expectorations"?
      "Mobs of Dicks"?
      "All the Teabags in China"?
      "Confederacy of Duncekopfs"?

    • I'll just recycle "Long Day's Journey Into Mitt."

  • It's not over until one emerges from Thunderdome.

    • mrpuma2u

      2 go in 1 comes out!!!

  • sudsmckenzie

    In a related story, Newell is out for a pack of smokes mumbling "that fucking Joan Walsh check better clear"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    New Fox and Friends Mission statement: 'I love the smell of Boy scout campout in the morning.'

  • like Peggy Noonan, sometimes they’re New York City’s idea of gangsters

    Yeah, especially when they take "peggynoonannyc" as their twitter handle.

    • What kind of sense does that comment even make? Has he never heard of the 5 Families? The Sopranos?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Romney: "When you cut me, do I not bleed money?"

  • MadBrahms

    Can we get a Jets / Sharks -style throwndown? Peggy can bring the Hispanics.

  • Poindexter718

    Peg braced Mitt.
    Peg channeled Ronnie rage.
    Peg side sapped Mitt.
    Mitt spit molars.
    The Mormons yucked it up.
    Chicago yucked it up, concurrant.

    • I love me some Ellroy, too. Shoulda thrown in a grid search and a "hinky", also.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Peggy Noonan. Sarah Palin. Tub of Jello. Now.

  • Geminisunmars

    "Gov. John Sununu criticized Noonan, a Wall Street Journal columnist, for her attacks on Romney, telling MSNBC, 'I wouldn't hire Peggy Noonan to run a campaign.' "

    Then he added, "Much less to give me a blow job."

  • Weenus299

    You know, if Pegs hoisted a shiv right into Sununu's rotting corpse, I think I would kind of like her. But every time I think that, she does that Reagan's-spirit-is-in-my-fingers-and-toungue thing, which albeit kinky, gets pretty old.

  • lotusflwr

    Peggy Noonan has never seemed cooler. Thanks for making clips of her punditing 1000x easier to watch.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Shes been around long enough to see which way the winds are blowing. And been a professional hack writer long enough she can get at least a couple "I told you so" columns in after Mitt's ship goes down for good. This is the groundwork.

  • hagajim

    Seems like Egg might have the cojones to take on the Pegster, oh, except she can't get anyone to follow her li'l cunty self.

  • Weenus299

    Michelle Malkin is a Klingon warrior.

    • SorosBot

      But she has no honor!

      • Weenus299

        She's a ronin or whatever Klingonese representation of.

    • Steverino247

      She's got a turtle on her head, that's a fact.

  • mille derps

    Is that that Annabelle chick from Bow Wow Wow?

  • MadBrahms

    Peggy retorted "I wouldn't hire John Sununu to chauffeur me"

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    The important question not answered here is whether Noonan would have allowed Doocy to continue roasting the marshmallow with his fingers.

    • Weenus299

      Ahhh, don't go there. You'll begin a meme of "The nukular bomb blossoms because Peggy Noonan allows it to exist" comments.

    • sudsmckenzie

      Sure, 10 points of light is better than nothing.

  • rickmaci

    Talk about circular firing squad. The entire right wing is locked and loaded.

  • Pragmatist2

    Now I am picturing the makeup sex.
    Now I am putting the gun to my head.
    Now I am…….

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    I watched about 5 minutes of Jeopardy a while back.
    It made me laugh because Chris was on and did not win on a single answer in the "fair and balanced" category.

    • Steverino247

      "What is, 'I don't have a fucking clue, Alex?'"

  • Katydid

    So much for the Fox contention that Wallace is one of their serious, non-partisan journalists.

  • Come here a minute

    Now I've gotta get a plate of shrimp for lunch.

  • And how are clear-thinking conservatives going to clear their garden of this center-right kudzu infestation?

    Santorum / Malkin 2016?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Well. That escalated quickly.

  • Respitetini

    If you're going to write conservative pundit fanfiction, at least get to the sexyteimz?

  • Tommy1733

    Um, did you say vaginas have sharp teeth in them? That explains a lot. I'm switching to gay full-time before I get hurt.

  • Mitt: "… in the end, I blame society. Society is what made me the way I am" <coughs, dies>
    Noonan: "No, Mitt, you're just another rich douchebag, just like me"

    edit: damnit, someone beat me to it

  • HeadsIWin

    Guess how many suits he got.
    Guess how many ties…

    • commiegirl99

      Shit I don't even know myself.

  • The blood letting after Obama wins will almost make up for the fact that Obama will probably roll over and try to govern from the center again.

    • HELisforHEL

      I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hope that he finally realizes that there is no point in trying to work with the fucktard party and that he should just shove policy through by bullying and embarrassing them into submission. Fuck this 'center' nonsense.

  • BZ1

    The picture I have is a slapfest between the Nooner and the Wallace.

    • Tommy1733

      A fap-worthy picture indeed.

  • kenlem

    This has to be expanded into a 3 volume series!

  • LibrarianX

    Praying mantis are beautiful insects with a voracious appetite, and a delight to have in the garden. Being strictly carnivorous, they'll eat almost any insect of a size they can overcome. Waiting in quiet ambush for hours at a time, when an insect comes wandering by they suddenly jump out and attack – always biting the neck first.

    • LibrarianX

      Mantids have NO problem with cannibalism and will "thin the herd" themselves. Chris Wallace – you have been warned.

    • Joey_Blau

      wack! I used to love to see the egg pods on the bushes…

      fucking ex cut them down after I left.

  • Someone else mentioned it the other day: in her new bluntness (though still mixed with her kindergartener's notion of elegant, artful prose) Noonan is starting to merge stylistically with Maureen Dowd. She's come a long way from the days when she sang Palin's praises on air and cursed her on the hot mic. Hell, she has come a long way since that stupid fucking column at the end of the Republican convention, when everything was wonderful and Mitt was her shining prince.

    • bobbert

      I hate Peggy Noonan. I can't even indulge in playful snark about Peggy Noonan. She bought into Saint Ronnie early on, based on nothing but his personal presence, and she employed her speech-writing skills (which were, sadly, decent until she succumbed to rich-has-been syndrome) to further the goals of Ronnie's handlers.

      I hate Peggy Noonan. I cannot imagine the event or series of events that would make me stop hating Peggy Noonan.


      EDIT: Maybe if she personally took out Scalia.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Y'know, I've been saying for almost twelve years now that no, it ain;t "1984", it's "Lord of the Flies".

  • neiltheblaze

    Who to root for – the alcoholic propaganda typist, or the nepotistic legacy hire…. decisions…..

  • docterry6973

    Wallace calling out who? The speechwriter responsible for so much of St. Ronnie's glib nonsense? A co-inventor of fact-free politics? A woman whose name is already engraved on the Pantheon of Bullshit Artists? The idea that a third-stringer like Wallace can call out a Hall of Famer like Noonan is absurd on its face.

  • these are really great reading (seriously – just fab).

    however, i do find it hard to believe peggy could actually keep a blade steady enough to do any damage.

  • Chichikovovich

    Wallace says that Her Noonest isn't a real conservative because (inter alia) she dumped on Bush II? What's the deal, I thought everybody on the right was agreed that Bush II wasn't a True Conservative. Why wasn't Dame Peggy just pointing out this? Which makes her a super-True Conservative herself.

    It's so tough to keep the story straight when you're trying to put a lid on as many inconvenient facts as Fox tries to obscure. Reality will always fight back.

  • "Do you like marshmallows, hon?" Peg asked, her fingers gently caressing Wallace's sweat stained cheek, the touch ending at the duct tape that sealed his mouth. "Do you like white marshmallows, like Lindsay Graham? Are you a…marshmallow man?" And then she erupted in a seizing, maniacal laugh, the grim noise that was the last thing on earth heard by many. Peg then stuffed her mouth thick with white marshmallows, her voice barely discernible under the fluffy mass: "You better enjoy marshmallows. When these suckers leave me in fetid brown chunks, you'll be spending eternity with them. Chrissy, you're about to move to…Gowanus!" Another drop of sweat dropped down Chris's cheek…no, not sweat: a tear, a tear of joy. It would soon be over.

    You bring Repo Man, I bring Rooftops. Kudos again.

  • WeHaveIssues

    Ratfucked? Totally a biology newbie but I wasn't aware rats fucked any differently than the rest of us?

  • DocChaos

    I don't remember this S.E. Hinton book from 7th grade. Was it assigned?

  • UW8316154

    heh – a "now 10% smaller" dick.

  • ttommyunger

    What do Chris Wallace and Peggy Noonan have in common? They both wear skid-marked granny panties.

  • poncho_pilot

    and this is why repo men do a lot of speed.

  • AznMom420


  • Joey_Blau

    SWEET FUCKING PROSE! wow .. can you make this into an illustrated book?

    I have to read all the comments.. thanks!!

  • Joey_Blau

    in a larger sense… I blame society! society has made me what I am today!

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