She’d killed him. She’d killed Mitt. She’d stuck her blade between his ribs, counting down from the top to mark where his heart was. (In this story, Mitt Romney had a heart.) And now everyone was going fucking nuts. Twitchy was mouthing off to Big Bill. Chris Wallace was struggling to find the gonads to challenge Pegs for control of the gang. (Nobody cared what Brooksy said, he was a no-account loser who wasn’t really even in the gang. Sometimes they used him to messenger stuff, when there weren’t any grade school kids handy.) “She ain’t no big thing. She ain’t so tough.” Chris Wallace was screwing up his courage. The gang needed a new fucking leader, one who wasn’t constantly murdering them, like she’d done with Bushy, and Mac, and whoever it was who came before that. It seemed like she murdered everyone in some weird communion with Ronnie. Always Fucking Ronnie. It never stopped.
“Peggy Noonan has ratfucked George W. Bush, ratfucked Mitt Romney, wasn’t crazy about McCain. Her gangleader bona fides I’m not sure I take too seriously,” Chris Wallace told himself. “[Gangsters] like Peggy Noonan, sometimes they’re New York City’s idea of gangsters.”
Fuck. Chris Wallace wasn’t going to be able to go through with it. She was the meanest bitch this side of the narcos. He heard a noise behind him. Fuck, he hadn’t said that to himself? He’d said it to FUCKING POLITICO???
Like an alley cat, she was on him. All nails and hissing and biting at his face with razor teeth (like the kind in vaginas). Chris Wallace fell to the ground, struggling to keep her off him … and then he awoke. He knew better than to rumble with Peggy Noonan in waking life. He turned on the teevee to cheer himself up. He watched some idiots try to roast marshmallows with their fucking hands. It was a rerun from like three years before. He didn’t care. He had a good laugh, then went and got sushi, and didn’t pay.
[Politico]
{ 194 comments }
Chris Wallace fights like a six year old girl.
"I worked with Mike Wallace, I knew Mike Wallace, Mike Wallace was a friend of mine. Chris Wallace, you are no Mike Wallace."
Ain't that the friggin truth
Why do you have to insult our nation's six year old girls like that?
I know some six year old girls who could kick the shit out of Chris Wallace.
I have to say I adore these Peggy Noonan posts.
I have been waiting all day for it. I twatted to our lovely wonkette, and this appeared. MAGIC, I tell you!
… because it gives Editrix and Ginger von Newell teh ammunition.
Seriously, what is it about some old, drunk, Regan-worshipping, has-been society dame that drives our Wonkette to such great writerly heights?
Bless you Peggy Noonan; oh great muse of snark!
The "drunk" portion, obvs.
I do too.
I also enjoy watching drunks fall down in the street.
I might enjoy these things for the wrong reasons.
Tis Friday! aka get shitfaced with your friends if they're not already under the table by the time you get off work! Useless fucks!
I fourth that, or wevs.
'Tis wunnerful.
'S marrr-velous.
They are my new favorite thing, although the Olds eating Paul Ryan was also a goodness.
I think I may need psychotherapy, considering what I just said.
I approve this message
Say, you know you else used pundits to cast doubt on others' "conservative bona fides" … ?
Silvio Berlusconi?
The demon sheep who cried, "RINO!"?
"Eloi! Eloi! Lama sabacthani!", cried the pundits, as they watched Mittens dissolve into a pasty, plastic goo.
Every "True Conservative" pundit ever?
Ghengis Khan?
Rupert Murdoch?
The Supreme Court of India during the early years of British rule (which employed native pundits to interpret the śastras)?
Who is Chris Wallace again?
A man spending his life protecting his inheritance from taxation.
Someone who's dead father is ashamed of?
He's Mitt Romney?
Someone's come out to play.
I need to start reading more current fiction. Best I can tell you are referencing something other than Moby Dick.
Actually I think there is a Moby Dick reference here in so far as the "appalling ocean of Reagan nostalgia surrounds this verdant land"…and leads us all, the editrix included, by winding paths back to his Noonan-fellated corpse.
I am in awe of your smartness.
And snark that's hanging with Billy Budd instead of Billy Kristol?
Dark Lord Cheney is sitting back, watching all this play out. Then he'll be all light sabers until his transplanted heart blackens and dies.
FACT CHECK: Repo Man is in fact based upon Moby Dick
Source: FOX News
Call me Ishmael, motherfucker!
Yeah, Chris Wallace and Peggington Nooningshire battle for control of Bleak House. Weeeeee!
I know their stupidity is to blame for their sorry campaign,, but somehow I feel society is to blame.
Oh, so you're a Democrat?
Constantly thinking of him/herself as a victim and demanding a government handout.
Just for that, you're not in the gang anymore!
This reads like the Punk Testament of The Boomer Bible.
Holy Jesus, ten people fucking get this joke. I love that book.
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My boss is currently stuck in an elevator with one of my coworkers. Two go in, one comes out. Shit has gotten real.
Sounds like an occasion for love in an elevator; livin' it up while we're goin' down.
Whenever I hear that song, all I think of is " 'I'll show ya how to fax in the mailroom honey", which has got to be on the top 10 list for worst sex-lyrics of all time.
I bet it's on Paul Ryan's iPod.
You're a mean person for getting that song in my head. Just for that….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk
I'm stuck in the elevator!
They just got out. Well, my boss did. The other guy, we aren't allowed to talk about him anymore.
He's swimming with the toner cartridges tonight.
Did your boss write this?
http://www.theonion.com/articles/in-retrospect-i-…
He resorted to cannibalism a bit too quickly.
Two go in, 3 come out. We are bless'ed!
Wallace: I love you, Pumpkin
Peggy: I love you, Honey Bunny
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you!
Yeah, but it still says "Bad Mother Fucker" on the President's wallet…
Chris Wallace's Honey Boo Boo nickname is Crazy Wisteria.
Hey Chris, Peggy puts Conservative snitches in ditches.
Where you're a nyet you're nyet all the way
From your first ayn rand book
To your last gay bashing day
Signed
The Snarks
They have a social disease!
Everytime Chris speaks, his dad rolls over again
Poor Mike, he appears to have a bad case of hamster wheel.
"Who you tryin' to get crazy with ese? Don't you know I'm loco?"
-Peggy "O.G." Noonan-
She is a tad insane in that old membrane, ain't she?
Doubt she has cops trying to come and snatch her crops, though.
That's how Noonan got pregnant. Her English teacher told her to do an ese.
She's so G…
I love a good Village-sploitation movie.
Debbi: Duke, let's go do some crimes.
Duke: Yeah. Let's go get sushi and not pay.
Pegz and Eggs, they aren't just for breakfast anymore.
Oh, it is such a beautiful thing when conservatives eat their own. Let them destroy each other until the conservative movement is small enough to drown in a bathtub. Of votes, naturally.
Love the Repo Man reference.
"Let's like get sushi and not pay."
Still one of my all time favorite quotes.
Along with "Put it on a plate dear, It'll taste better".
That movie has as many quotable lines as Big Lebowski, if not more.
"Happens sometimes. People just explode."
When I was on my geology field camp, we were out in the Rockies checking out the metamorphics and igneous intrusions and dikes (heh-heh) and all the stuff we never got to see down in flat old boring sedimentary limestone south Texas. Most of us were Repo heads, and the call-and-response catchphrase whenever we came upon some awesome geologic formation became:
"Wow, this is intense!"
"Life of a geo-man is always intense, kid."
"What are you, some kinda fucking Communist? I don't allow no Communists in my car. No Christians neither."
better still
"What about our relationship?"
"what? Fuck that!"
"I'm glad I tortured you!"
I love the smell of Republicans turning on each other in the morning….anytime actually.
"Always fucking Ronnie," and she still is today. Of course, his dick IS a little smaller these days.
T'was the Feminazis what did it.
Well, that's because it is dried, but the varnish is holding up really well.
Fuck, that gave me a wide-on.
I am the only daddy you got!! I'm the damn paterfamilias!!
You know who can roast tiny marshmallows with their fingers? Dragon ladies and Robots.
"You know who can roast tiny marshmallows with their fingers?"
Khaleesi?
This story would be better if it had some sexy vampires havin sex and stuff. And maybe some kind of talking animal.
Talking animals are the bomb!
Needs moar Cephalopods.
Yes! Sexy, talking, fighting cephalopods! And is that Oprah? That sounds like Oprah.
If it isn't it should be. Oprah fighting sexy talking Cephalopods in Space is something even I'd go see.
Googled it. Its Oprah. I'm good with voices like that. Another useless talent.
Bill O'Reilly?
Only one true way to know if your Peggz loves you-if she'll have yo' dog.
Completely OT, but am so freaking excited to see the Space Shuttle fly over San Francisco this morning.
No shite? Thank you, ThankYouJeebus!
I saw it from my front porch this AM. It was an awesome sight.
I really hope we resurrect more space exploration in the next two decades.
We're killing the bandwidth at work by watching the stream.
Good drugs in San Francisco, eh?
I'd rather see the USS Enterprise firing phasers at Romney campaign offices.
There's only one answer: GOP Thunderdome!!!
NOONAN ENTER ONE MAN LEAVE! NOONAN ENTER ONE MAN LEAVE! NOONAN ENTER ONE MAN LEAVE! NOONAN ENTER ONE MAN LEAVE!
Chris: "I blame Society. Society made me what I am."
Peggy: "That's bullshit! You're a white suburban punk just like me."
Yeah, but losing the Presidential Elections in a landslide still hurts…
Belatedly Upfisted!
I'm waiting for Peggy Noonan Star Trek crossover pornfic, myself.
The Wrath of Cunt
The Search for Cock
Star Trek: Dowager
Seriously Upfisted.
Star Dick: The Next Genitalia
Thankfully I've never come across any of the vagina dentata. That image always makes me shiver.
So…what's the beltway-revered unofficial official book about this campaign going to be called?
"Blame Change"?
"Tales of the Circular Firing Squad"?
"Clusterfuck"?
"Dog Shit"?
Discuss.
"Acrockofshit Now"
Peggy's already got the name of the book in her latest column:
"This week I called [the Romney campaign] incompetent, but only because I was being polite," she wrote. "I really meant "rolling calamity."
Like one of those silly Battle Royals in the 1980s era WWF.
WAAAA,WAAAAA, WAAAA,WAAAA!
"Blithering Heights"
Yes.
I've wanted to use that for years.
"Hitting the Fan"?
"Great Expectorations"?
"Mobs of Dicks"?
"All the Teabags in China"?
"Confederacy of Duncekopfs"?
I'll just recycle "Long Day's Journey Into Mitt."
It's not over until one emerges from Thunderdome.
2 go in 1 comes out!!!
In a related story, Newell is out for a pack of smokes mumbling "that fucking Joan Walsh check better clear" http://www.salon.com/2012/09/18/leave_our_childre…
New Fox and Friends Mission statement: 'I love the smell of Boy scout campout in the morning.'
like Peggy Noonan, sometimes they’re New York City’s idea of gangsters
Yeah, especially when they take "peggynoonannyc" as their twitter handle.
What kind of sense does that comment even make? Has he never heard of the 5 Families? The Sopranos?
Romney: "When you cut me, do I not bleed money?"
Can we get a Jets / Sharks -style throwndown? Peggy can bring the Hispanics.
Peg braced Mitt.
Peg channeled Ronnie rage.
Peg side sapped Mitt.
Mitt spit molars.
The Mormons yucked it up.
Chicago yucked it up, concurrant.
I love me some Ellroy, too. Shoulda thrown in a grid search and a "hinky", also.
Peggy Noonan. Sarah Palin. Tub of Jello. Now.
My money is on Noonan in the second round.
"Gov. John Sununu criticized Noonan, a Wall Street Journal columnist, for her attacks on Romney, telling MSNBC, 'I wouldn't hire Peggy Noonan to run a campaign.' "
Then he added, "Much less to give me a blow job."
Sununu isn't rich enough to hire any women to blow him.
You know, if Pegs hoisted a shiv right into Sununu's rotting corpse, I think I would kind of like her. But every time I think that, she does that Reagan's-spirit-is-in-my-fingers-and-toungue thing, which albeit kinky, gets pretty old.
Peggy Noonan has never seemed cooler. Thanks for making clips of her punditing 1000x easier to watch.
Shes been around long enough to see which way the winds are blowing. And been a professional hack writer long enough she can get at least a couple "I told you so" columns in after Mitt's ship goes down for good. This is the groundwork.
Seems like Egg might have the cojones to take on the Pegster, oh, except she can't get anyone to follow her li'l cunty self.
Michelle Malkin is a Klingon warrior.
But she has no honor!
She's a ronin or whatever Klingonese representation of.
She's got a turtle on her head, that's a fact.
Is that that Annabelle chick from Bow Wow Wow?
Peggy retorted "I wouldn't hire John Sununu to chauffeur me"
The important question not answered here is whether Noonan would have allowed Doocy to continue roasting the marshmallow with his fingers.
Ahhh, don't go there. You'll begin a meme of "The nukular bomb blossoms because Peggy Noonan allows it to exist" comments.
Sure, 10 points of light is better than nothing.
Talk about circular firing squad. The entire right wing is locked and loaded.
Now I am picturing the makeup sex.
Now I am putting the gun to my head.
Now I am…….
I watched about 5 minutes of Jeopardy a while back.
It made me laugh because Chris was on and did not win on a single answer in the "fair and balanced" category.
"What is, 'I don't have a fucking clue, Alex?'"
So much for the Fox contention that Wallace is one of their serious, non-partisan journalists.
Now I've gotta get a plate of shrimp for lunch.
And how are clear-thinking conservatives going to clear their garden of this center-right kudzu infestation?
Santorum / Malkin 2016?
Well. That escalated quickly.
If you're going to write conservative pundit fanfiction, at least get to the sexyteimz?
Um, did you say vaginas have sharp teeth in them? That explains a lot. I'm switching to gay full-time before I get hurt.
Mitt: "… in the end, I blame society. Society is what made me the way I am" <coughs, dies>
Noonan: "No, Mitt, you're just another rich douchebag, just like me"
edit: damnit, someone beat me to it
Guess how many suits he got.
Guess how many ties…
Shit I don't even know myself.
The blood letting after Obama wins will almost make up for the fact that Obama will probably roll over and try to govern from the center again.
I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hope that he finally realizes that there is no point in trying to work with the fucktard party and that he should just shove policy through by bullying and embarrassing them into submission. Fuck this 'center' nonsense.
The picture I have is a slapfest between the Nooner and the Wallace.
A fap-worthy picture indeed.
This has to be expanded into a 3 volume series!
Praying mantis are beautiful insects with a voracious appetite, and a delight to have in the garden. Being strictly carnivorous, they'll eat almost any insect of a size they can overcome. Waiting in quiet ambush for hours at a time, when an insect comes wandering by they suddenly jump out and attack – always biting the neck first.
Mantids have NO problem with cannibalism and will "thin the herd" themselves. Chris Wallace – you have been warned.
wack! I used to love to see the egg pods on the bushes…
fucking ex cut them down after I left.
Someone else mentioned it the other day: in her new bluntness (though still mixed with her kindergartener's notion of elegant, artful prose) Noonan is starting to merge stylistically with Maureen Dowd. She's come a long way from the days when she sang Palin's praises on air and cursed her on the hot mic. Hell, she has come a long way since that stupid fucking column at the end of the Republican convention, when everything was wonderful and Mitt was her shining prince.
I hate Peggy Noonan. I can't even indulge in playful snark about Peggy Noonan. She bought into Saint Ronnie early on, based on nothing but his personal presence, and she employed her speech-writing skills (which were, sadly, decent until she succumbed to rich-has-been syndrome) to further the goals of Ronnie's handlers.
I hate Peggy Noonan. I cannot imagine the event or series of events that would make me stop hating Peggy Noonan.
</sorry>
EDIT: Maybe if she personally took out Scalia.
Y'know, I've been saying for almost twelve years now that no, it ain;t "1984", it's "Lord of the Flies".
Who to root for – the alcoholic propaganda typist, or the nepotistic legacy hire…. decisions…..
Wallace calling out who? The speechwriter responsible for so much of St. Ronnie's glib nonsense? A co-inventor of fact-free politics? A woman whose name is already engraved on the Pantheon of Bullshit Artists? The idea that a third-stringer like Wallace can call out a Hall of Famer like Noonan is absurd on its face.
these are really great reading (seriously – just fab).
however, i do find it hard to believe peggy could actually keep a blade steady enough to do any damage.
Wallace says that Her Noonest isn't a real conservative because (inter alia) she dumped on Bush II? What's the deal, I thought everybody on the right was agreed that Bush II wasn't a True Conservative. Why wasn't Dame Peggy just pointing out this? Which makes her a super-True Conservative herself.
It's so tough to keep the story straight when you're trying to put a lid on as many inconvenient facts as Fox tries to obscure. Reality will always fight back.
"Do you like marshmallows, hon?" Peg asked, her fingers gently caressing Wallace's sweat stained cheek, the touch ending at the duct tape that sealed his mouth. "Do you like white marshmallows, like Lindsay Graham? Are you a…marshmallow man?" And then she erupted in a seizing, maniacal laugh, the grim noise that was the last thing on earth heard by many. Peg then stuffed her mouth thick with white marshmallows, her voice barely discernible under the fluffy mass: "You better enjoy marshmallows. When these suckers leave me in fetid brown chunks, you'll be spending eternity with them. Chrissy, you're about to move to…Gowanus!" Another drop of sweat dropped down Chris's cheek…no, not sweat: a tear, a tear of joy. It would soon be over.
You bring Repo Man, I bring Rooftops. Kudos again.
Ratfucked? Totally a biology newbie but I wasn't aware rats fucked any differently than the rest of us?
I don't remember this S.E. Hinton book from 7th grade. Was it assigned?
heh – a "now 10% smaller" dick.
What do Chris Wallace and Peggy Noonan have in common? They both wear skid-marked granny panties.
and this is why repo men do a lot of speed.
"I DONT WANT NOBODY DISENFRANCHISING THE POORS BUT US
CAN
YOU
DIG
IT"
SWEET FUCKING PROSE! wow .. can you make this into an illustrated book?
I have to read all the comments.. thanks!!
in a larger sense… I blame society! society has made me what I am today!
Star Trek: The Wrath of Ronnie
Outstanding. That's way more useful than my useless talent: making up pornographic lyrics to annoying pop songs.
How can you call "making up pornographic lyrics to annoying pop songs" useless? That's golden!
Yeah, not when you're in a staff meeting and you catch yourself singing
"Spout, spout, spew it all out
Jiz is the stuff that I'm talkin' about
Come on, I'm comin' on you, come on!"
under your breath.
Are you kidding? That's fucking genius.
How about "bone her only where she farts?" Hmmmmm?
I know, right? I've been singing it all day!
Tell that to my boss.
crickets…
Fuckin' A we ripped your car, asshole! You wanna know who told us where it was? Your goddamn brother!
That film will be required viewing in any American Culture class of worth.
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