At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

 
 Science, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever; no, it's also revealing tough, conservative facts, like the fact that human penises are on average 10 percent shorter than they were 50 years ago. If you heard "50 years ago" and "smaller penises" and you immediately came up with "feminism" as the cause, then congratulations, you are well equipped (heh) to run a radio talk show that reaches millions of people and influences American politics. Rush Limbaugh has a tiny penis and he's been mad about it for a long time and it explains a lot, is what we're TRYING to say here.

So the Italian researchers who came up with this result (oh, those comical Italians, always electing Berlusconi and measuring dicks for science and shouting "Mama mia! That's-a spicy meatball!" and such) have some ideas about the causes of the modern world's cock-shrinkage :

• Weight gain around the waist

• Smoking

• Stress

• Environmental pollutants

Hmm, it seems like at least three of those things are closely associated with one Rush Limbaugh, yes? (Rush is a rich person, so he creates environmental pollutants but they get dumped in neighborhoods not his own.) But no, he has other ideas about why his penis might be so leetle:

I think it's feminism. If it's tied to the last 50 years -- the average size of [a male's] member is 10 percent smaller than 50 years -- it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give 'em time and they'll blame Bush. But air pollution vs. feminazis? Ha!

You guys, this explains SO MUCH about his career and burning hatred of women! And thank goodness he figured out the key to his problem, because it's now clear that he's been looking for information on some dubious websites, like the notoriously hilarious Yahoo! Answers :

COME ON YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT IS NOT GENETICS OR BECAUSE A PERSON DOES ANYTHING BAD RIGHT IT IS BECAUSE OF FEMINAZIS! Feminazis made my penis small! Uh, I mean my friend's penis, I'm asking for a friend. [ Raw Story ]