a cheap shot but it writes itself come on

At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

No feminazis out here in the desertScience, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever; no, it’s also revealing tough, conservative facts, like the fact that human penises are on average 10 percent shorter than they were 50 years ago. If you heard “50 years ago” and “smaller penises” and you immediately came up with “feminism” as the cause, then congratulations, you are well equipped (heh) to run a radio talk show that reaches millions of people and influences American politics. Rush Limbaugh has a tiny penis and he’s been mad about it for a long time and it explains a lot, is what we’re TRYING to say here.

So the Italian researchers who came up with this result (oh, those comical Italians, always electing Berlusconi and measuring dicks for science and shouting “Mama mia! That’s-a spicy meatball!” and such) have some ideas about the causes of the modern world’s cock-shrinkage:

  • Weight gain around the waist
  • Smoking
  • Stress
  • Environmental pollutants

Hmm, it seems like at least three of those things are closely associated with one Rush Limbaugh, yes? (Rush is a rich person, so he creates environmental pollutants but they get dumped in neighborhoods not his own.) But no, he has other ideas about why his penis might be so leetle:

I think it’s feminism. If it’s tied to the last 50 years — the average size of [a male's] member is 10 percent smaller than 50 years — it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give ‘em time and they’ll blame Bush. But air pollution vs. feminazis? Ha!

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You guys, this explains SO MUCH about his career and burning hatred of women! And thank goodness he figured out the key to his problem, because it’s now clear that he’s been looking for information on some dubious websites, like the notoriously hilarious Yahoo! Answers:

OBVIOUSLY

COME ON YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT IS NOT GENETICS OR BECAUSE A PERSON DOES ANYTHING BAD RIGHT IT IS BECAUSE OF FEMINAZIS! Feminazis made my penis small! Uh, I mean my friend’s penis, I’m asking for a friend. [Raw Story]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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235 comments

    1. hagajim

      That's compensation. Small penis = big dickishness. It's either that or compensation by buying lots of guns, big trucks, or a fast car.

      1. MadBrahms

        Steal presidency for Kenya -> steal big penises -> steal white wimmenz. It's all connected, like Glenn Beck chalkboard art.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I think this is the source of his intense hatred of the man. That, and he's Blah. And the head of the Democrat party.

    1. evoshandor

      Rush's penis has been near at least 4 women, as he's on his 4th wife. How they could stand being in any form of marriage -be it in name only- to this 'man', defies explanation.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          HBD Barbara! I, too will be happy to participate in your study, but I should warn you that I'm what statisticians call an "outlier."

          Bucking the trend for over fifty years now.

          1. HELisforHEL

            Hee! Sadly I think there's only one Howard Johnson's left–FREE CAKE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
            And clamstrips, also, too.

        2. JustPixelz

          Happy birf day. I assume you can prove that with some kind of certificate. You're almost a Libra. So close ….

  1. PsycWench

    Maybe this question is answered in the original materials but how good was the penis size database fifty years ago?

  2. FakaktaSouth

    I got my first month's worth of free birth control pills this week. I hope that takes Rush down to an innie.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      According to noted reproductive genius, Rush, don't forget to take one every time you have the sexy times and don't be such a slut that you use them all in the first week.

          1. prommie

            Gotta know all the words to "boil that cabbage down," too. I get busy at work and what now, you accepting resume's?

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Yum, Smothers Brothers, such an aphrodisiac. And HEY! You shut up and don't be yelling at me, I got pills to use, you and all your working.

          3. prommie

            So if you’re down on you’re luck, and you can’t harmonize
            Find a girl with far away eyes
            And if you’re downright disgusted
            And life ain’t worth a dime
            Get a girl with far away eyes

    2. vtxmcrider

      I'm a guy and I just got my first month of free birth control pills also. Since I am one of the 47%, I believe in mooching off the system as much as possible.

  3. BerkeleyBear

    I'm guessing there's a punchline to this story involving glasses, metric conversions, tweezers and/or sororities.

    Seriously, though – can we trust any sort of world wide wang measuring from the 1960s. I'm guessing the Americans and Soviets both lied as part of the Cold War fap race.

    1. tessiee

      "can we trust any sort of world wide wang measuring from the 1960s"

      That took place in *Italy*, no less?
      Come on, guys like that are my father, uncles, and boy cousins; trust me, they're King of the Bullshit Artists.

    2. comrad_darkness

      Wasn't there some joke about that. "Sir the condoms we just manufactured ended up stretched out." "Oh well, ship them to Russia, but label them Medium."

  4. actor212

    Weight gain around the waist
    Smoking
    Stress
    Environmental pollutants
    Hmm, it seems like at least three of those things are closely associated with one Rush Limbaugh, yes?

    All four. He smokes cigars which create a toxic envelope around him.

    Well, more toxic than the one he already lives in.

    1. tessiee

      The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything heard that song for the first time, and asked me later that day:
      Him: I heard this old-timey song, I can't figure it out. It's a guy singing with some kind of accent, and he keeps saying, "Daylight come and they won't go home". Did you ever hear it?
      Me: Yeah, that's "Day-O". Harry Belafonte singing. I think he's from Trinidad.
      Him: So, that guy singing wanted the Taliban to do WHAT with his banana?

  5. Mojopo

    Howard Stern is hung like a Q-Tip and he spent his career surrounding himself with strippers and porn stars. But Howard also uses his small peen to let us know he is not too big for his britches. Also, Howard actually has more fans than Rush, I bet, because that blob Rush has been exaggerating the size of his audience for years. Like his poor withering pee-pee, that is not strong enough to get hard on it's own.

    1. tessiee

      Ah, somewhat on topic joke:
      This 80 year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
      The doctor makes him get on the scale, listens to his heart, etc. Then he says, "OK, Rocco, I need to see your sex organs".
      The man holds up all ten fingers and sticks out his tongue.

  6. zomgitsjesus

    It's not the size of the penis that matters, it's how much of a gigantic asshole you are that fails to turn them on Rush. I mean, with your cigar breath, sweat dripping from the rolls of fat, what else could it be?

  7. LibertyLover

    Maybe Rush should be happy that his "big unit" is smaller. Makes it that much harder to step on it all of the time.

  8. BarackMyWorld

    Awaiting psuedo-scientific explanation how an abstract social movement could effect a concrete biological trait.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      I don't know about you, but it feels freezing if it's any lower than 80°. Oh, the hardships of living in Southern California…

    1. SoBeach

      True, true. Yoga britches do that too. Yoga britches on an assertive woman and I have to check the clearance before driving under bridges.

  9. mrblifil

    I was going to post something earlier in the thread but my penis kept flopping all over the keyboard and I was constantly having to push it off to the side. As usual however, my penis was having none of that. Attention must be paid.

  10. SpeedoFart

    No snark, but does anyone have a cite for the original research? All I can find is an Italian study from 2001 linking height and weight to size variations. Every blog post/article linkage eventually dead ends at Jezebel or something called chacha.com (which crashes my phone).

        1. comrad_darkness

          I finally got the chacha.com (which is a junk traffic attracting site) to load. No citation there either. Everyone else points to it as well. It's almost like Rush and that site have some kind of under the counter arrangement because there is no way someone like CBS news and shit should be pointing at a garbage site like that otherwise.

          1. SpeedoFart

            Thanks for helping me look for the cite, comrad. I had a sinking feeling after reading a couple of links that the "study" was just so much horse shit (or a mangling of an earlier study) and now I think I may have been correct.

            Now it is time for the Rush Limbaugh tiny, tiny penis jokes. Go!

  11. Beowoof

    Ah so the real reason for Rush's outrage that Obama is in the White House. Obama clearly must have a bigger dick. And that would probably be true for most of the old guys in the republican party. And I think Rush knows he will never savor the flavor of Obama's manhood and that is really driving him over the edge.

  12. owhatever

    Rush then said Obama's penis had failed. Michelle just laughed.

    Then Rush almost said the same thing about Clinton, but remembered Monica, so that didn't work.

    Wingnuts will now give their little peni more sun, water and spread it with horse manure.

    This is too easy. If Rush had taken better care of his little penis, he wouldn't be paying so much alimony to his first three wives.

  13. retarded_baboon

    This is obviously Obama's fault too, on account of his big black penis. It must make Rush all shrively just thinking about it.

  14. scotankhamen

    isn't blaming it on the Feminazis the same thing as blaming Bush?
    You know, because they don't shave and all that.

  15. Doktor Zoom

    Rush should just take a cue from Frank Sobotka, and be proud of his achievements, such as they are:

    "For your information I wake up every morning with an angry blue-veined diamond cutter. I was gonna enlighten the president of local 47 on this particular point and he chose to depart. Blue steel gentlemen, 3 & 1/2 inches of hard blue steel"

  16. PinkoPopulist

    Most underreported story of our generation: the feminazis caused Rush Limbaugh's drug addiction, and his fatness.

  17. ThundercatHo

    Hey, Editrix! I was going to suggest that maybe he should try touching your wrist but then you would probably have to chew your arm off d/t cooties or flesh-eating bacteria.

  18. barto

    I think it's just relative. As Rush became a bigger and bigger dick over the years, his penis just started to look really small in comparison.

  19. calliecallie

    It ain't the meat it's the motion
    That makes your baby want to rock
    It ain't the meat it's the motion
    It's the movement that gives it the sock!

  20. evoshandor

    I'd like to think that many of Rush's devotees did not race home and beat the shit out of their dumbfounded wives while screaming "It's all your fault!" over and over. But there I go wishing again.

  21. Ruhe

    But Rush is over fifty right? So he was born before the advent of feminazi-ism so he must have had a smallish penis back when every other guy was huge? Or is he worried that his dick as actually gotten smaller over the years?

  22. magic_titty

    Back when men had more leverage to get rapey, our dicks had more self-esteem? I'll glad give up ten percent for that trade-off, you creepy fat slob.

  23. comrad_darkness

    1940’s and 1950's: New use of BPA in plastic. The chemical industry begins to use BPA to manufacture a hard plastic called polycarbonate, and to make epoxy resins used as linings for metal food cans and a variety of other products. Although BPA leaches out of plastic long after its manufacture, the material is used in consumer products with no requirement that companies prove it is safe. The 70 years that follow BPA's introduction in these industries see the explosion of BPA-based plastics to encompass products as wide-ranging as bicycle helmets, water coolers, and baby bottles.

    From here: http://www.ewg.org/reports/bpatimeline

    You're welcome, Rush. Now you also know why you are as fat as a whale as well as have a pecker the size of a hummingbird.

  24. OneYieldRegular

    You think Rush is bothered now, just wait until the Obama campaign suspends its use of "Forward" and replaces it with "Size Matters."

  25. shelwood46

    Wait, wait, I do believe I see how this is the Feminazis fault. Fifty years ago, men felt comfortable lying about their penis size, but now the Feminazis have them all intimidated into telling the truth.

  26. MiniMencken

    Porfirio Rubirosa had a dick that Truman Capote, a man who knew his dicks, described as "an eleven inch cafe-au-lait sinker as thick as a man's wrist." He was also the world's most well-paid giggolo. So, how does that square with Rush's hypothesis?

  27. tessiee

    "So the Italian researchers who came up with this result (oh, those comical Italians, always electing Berlusconi and measuring dicks for science and shouting “Mama mia! That’s-a spicy meatball!” and such)"

    OK, I assume this refers to Italians in Italy, but it made me picture a roomful of "Jersey Shore" type guys in lab coats measuring each other's dicks and going, "AAAAY!!" "OHHH!":
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFON1IE13Lg

  28. SheriffRoscoe

    Rush, you may have a tiny penis and everything but look on the bright side, you get to eat all the pasta and bread that you want!

  29. finette_

    In the past, I have earned some extra money by answering questions on a "free" (massively ad-supported) anonymous texting service for people too dumb to use Google. Most of these individuals are in the adolescent range, and I can tell you that questions about penis size and enhancement are absolutely the boy-equivalent of "Am I fat?" I became a master of consolation and relativism. Maybe I even consoled Rush!

  30. oldegeezer

    Wonkette…I'm willing to give Rusty the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to "size", because I've never showered with him…!

    However; when it comes to "turgidity"…
    We know Rusty, HAS A PROBLEM… !

    He was actually detained by the INS trying to smuggle VIAGRA, into the country, without a prescription…without his [Rush Hudson Limpbough's] name on the prescription…

    Hehehe…!

    Damn I hate when I'm detained fore THAT…!

Comments are closed.