A CHEAP SHOT BUT IT WRITES ITSELF COME ON  11:13 am September 21, 2012

At Last, Rush Limbaugh Knows Who To Blame For His Tiny Penis

by Josh Fruhlinger

No feminazis out here in the desertScience, you guys, science is revealing all sorts of terrible mysteries about the modern world. And not just the liberal kind of mysteries, like about how all the animals are dying and the ice is melting and whatever; no, it’s also revealing tough, conservative facts, like the fact that human penises are on average 10 percent shorter than they were 50 years ago. If you heard “50 years ago” and “smaller penises” and you immediately came up with “feminism” as the cause, then congratulations, you are well equipped (heh) to run a radio talk show that reaches millions of people and influences American politics. Rush Limbaugh has a tiny penis and he’s been mad about it for a long time and it explains a lot, is what we’re TRYING to say here.

So the Italian researchers who came up with this result (oh, those comical Italians, always electing Berlusconi and measuring dicks for science and shouting “Mama mia! That’s-a spicy meatball!” and such) have some ideas about the causes of the modern world’s cock-shrinkage:

  • Weight gain around the waist
  • Smoking
  • Stress
  • Environmental pollutants

Hmm, it seems like at least three of those things are closely associated with one Rush Limbaugh, yes? (Rush is a rich person, so he creates environmental pollutants but they get dumped in neighborhoods not his own.) But no, he has other ideas about why his penis might be so leetle:

I think it’s feminism. If it’s tied to the last 50 years — the average size of [a male's] member is 10 percent smaller than 50 years — it has to be the feminazis, the chickification and everything else. Give ‘em time and they’ll blame Bush. But air pollution vs. feminazis? Ha!

You guys, this explains SO MUCH about his career and burning hatred of women! And thank goodness he figured out the key to his problem, because it’s now clear that he’s been looking for information on some dubious websites, like the notoriously hilarious Yahoo! Answers:

OBVIOUSLY

COME ON YOU GUYS OBVIOUSLY IT IS NOT GENETICS OR BECAUSE A PERSON DOES ANYTHING BAD RIGHT IT IS BECAUSE OF FEMINAZIS! Feminazis made my penis small! Uh, I mean my friend’s penis, I’m asking for a friend. [Raw Story]

 
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{ 235 comments }

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 11:15 am

Rush may have a tiny penis, but he's a ginormous fucking dick.

hagajim September 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

That's compensation. Small penis = big dickishness. It's either that or compensation by buying lots of guns, big trucks, or a fast car.

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 11:15 am

Rush has a small penis because he's white. What more did you need to know?

FlyOverGirl September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Did Mittens' get bigger the other day when he got sprayed brown?

nounverb911 September 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

Has Rush blamed Obama yet?

Mumbletypeg September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

All of 'em Every time, katie.

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

The blah men are stealing all the really big penises!!!!

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

I can proudly trace my roots back to Africa.

…with my massive dick.

LIT_Fag September 21, 2012 at 11:41 am

Obligatory "pics or GTFO"

MadBrahms September 21, 2012 at 11:35 am

Steal presidency for Kenya -> steal big penises -> steal white wimmenz. It's all connected, like Glenn Beck chalkboard art.

weejee September 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

In 3, 2, 1, and with all his visits to the Dominican Republic Rush has measured so very many penises in support of the Italian study.

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 11:31 am

I think this is the source of his intense hatred of the man. That, and he's Blah. And the head of the Democrat party.

susiepop September 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

Because what all feminazis want is a small cock. THAT makes sense.

kittensdontlie September 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

It's too bad the rest of him won't shrink to nothing.

Jimmyone September 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

I wonder if Ann thinks that Mitten's is the right height?

Nibbler of Niblonia September 21, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I don't get what Rush's problem is. Feminazis make MY penis bigger

Callyson September 21, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I don't even want to ask what the causal linkage is between feminism and penis size…

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 11:16 am

Jeff Christie's Rush Limbaugh's penis has never been near a woman.

evoshandor September 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Rush's penis has been near at least 4 women, as he's on his 4th wife. How they could stand being in any form of marriage -be it in name only- to this 'man', defies explanation.

Mahousu September 21, 2012 at 12:57 pm

If by "near" you mean "within a few feet," then yeah.

As for the latter, money.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 2:39 pm

It has been near Dominican Boys, allegedly.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Rush is the Archemedes of our time, but he uses bath houses instead of bath tubs.

GlowneyHouse September 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Next stop: Bath Salts.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Perhaps a bathysphere and a good deep trench?

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Sorry, can't post right now, I'm sharpening some pruning shears.

kissawookiee September 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Sounds like you could save yourself the trouble and just fetch the nail clippers instead.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Or a cheese grater.
Sure, it would take longer, but it would be worth it.

iamrrm September 21, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Please use them while they are still dull.

eggsacklywright September 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Wonder how much rent he's paying on the current "wife?"

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Hmm, I am going to have to research this more. I will get back to you.

Spurning Beer September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

I'm well over 50. I can be in your control group.

One_who_wanders September 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

Ditto.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

I am exactly 50. Today is my birthday.

AncienReggie September 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Happy birthday!

And remember, the first half-century is just rehearsal.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Thanks Reggie! You should come over for some cake.

Steverino247 September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

Give your nipples a gentle squeeze from all of us on your birthday!

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Why gentle? Thanks Steve

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

HBD Barbara! I, too will be happy to participate in your study, but I should warn you that I'm what statisticians call an "outlier."

Bucking the trend for over fifty years now.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Lol, thanks Lascauxcaveman.

IndianaKevin September 25, 2012 at 5:54 am

Is that different from an out-n-out liar?

eggsacklywright September 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

Mmmmm…young stuff. Like it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

Happy birthday Barb! May all of your penises be over 50. Or whatever …

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Dawg, you are the best. I am going to make a wish and blow out the penis now.

SoBeach September 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

Happy Birthday!

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Thanks, SoBeach!

Graham Cracker September 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Have a great Birthday, Barb!

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Thanks Graham. : )

HELisforHEL September 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Happy BDay to you!

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Thanks Hel! I should go to Denny and demand a free breakfast or something. LOL

Pat_Pending September 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I did this three weeks ago. It wasn't pretty.

emmelemm September 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Congratulations!

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Happy birthday, Barb!

Hope this year is a better one for you than the last.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Thanks Tessie! It's an awesome day.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

As one of my professors once said, "Fifty is fine. *The day before* fifty sucks."

JustPixelz September 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Happy birf day. I assume you can prove that with some kind of certificate. You're almost a Libra. So close ….

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Thanks JustPixels.

Spurning Beer September 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Happy birthday, Babydoll. I'm going to get you a tape measure for your birthday. And reading glasses.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I love you, Spurning. : )

miss_grundy September 21, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Felicidades! Have a happy!

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Thanks Miss Grundy!

FlownOver September 21, 2012 at 11:41 am

Me! Me! I can be in the "weight gain around the waist" control subgroup!

LesBontemps September 21, 2012 at 11:48 am

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give for your research.

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Give it twice, LesBontemps.

HistoriCat September 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Only twice?

Barbara_ September 21, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm old now and could break a hip, HistoriCat.

Texan_Bulldog September 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

So Rush is admitting he has a small dick? The new Mrs. Rush must be so proud right now.

no_gravity September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

I think it's part of the beard contract that she has no contact with Rush's itty bitty.

Abernathy September 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Fucking little penises. How do they work?

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Not particularly well.

Or so I'm informed.

FlownOver September 21, 2012 at 11:42 am

Little penis goes in, little penis goes out – Rush can't explain find it.

CommieLibunatic September 21, 2012 at 1:15 pm

It's not the size that counts, etc. etc. etc.

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Maybe this question is answered in the original materials but how good was the penis size database fifty years ago?

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

Yes, I'd like to examine, er… the methodology on this one. In a not-creepy sort of way, of course.

DaSandman September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

He has a small dick? I wasn't aware he had any dick at all.

SorosBot September 21, 2012 at 12:22 pm

It's true; this man has no dick.

emmelemm September 21, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Perfect!

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

Rush Limbaugh has a penis?

freakishlywrong September 21, 2012 at 11:41 am

Yeah, but being a fat fuck, he hasn't seen it in years..

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

So there's no proof, then.

shelwood46 September 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Rush is a penis. According to this study, he should be getting smaller, but science is never right.

216stitches September 21, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Can a penis have a penis? Yo dawg!

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

I got my first month's worth of free birth control pills this week. I hope that takes Rush down to an innie.

Texan_Bulldog September 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

According to noted reproductive genius, Rush, don't forget to take one every time you have the sexy times and don't be such a slut that you use them all in the first week.

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 11:27 am

Dang, a week? I was hoping to just get through a day. I'm such a slut.

starfanglednut September 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

don't worry. If you run out, you can always sign up for bulk discount at the costco abortionplex.

Guppy September 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

Where do you live again?

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

That depends – you at least over 50? I apparently got me some new standards.

FlownOver September 21, 2012 at 11:45 am

Did you get your complimentary "Sluts Vote" campaign button with the pills?

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

YES! I wear it on my Elizabeth Warren Makes Me So Horny T-shirt!

vtxmcrider September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

I'm a guy and I just got my first month of free birth control pills also. Since I am one of the 47%, I believe in mooching off the system as much as possible.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Sorry Fakakta, didn't realize you were a slut.

bureaucrap September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

This is just one more reason that we should all point and laugh when we next see him.

BerkeleyBear September 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

I'm guessing there's a punchline to this story involving glasses, metric conversions, tweezers and/or sororities.

Seriously, though – can we trust any sort of world wide wang measuring from the 1960s. I'm guessing the Americans and Soviets both lied as part of the Cold War fap race.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"can we trust any sort of world wide wang measuring from the 1960s"

That took place in *Italy*, no less?
Come on, guys like that are my father, uncles, and boy cousins; trust me, they're King of the Bullshit Artists.

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Wasn't there some joke about that. "Sir the condoms we just manufactured ended up stretched out." "Oh well, ship them to Russia, but label them Medium."

actor212 September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

Weight gain around the waist
Smoking
Stress
Environmental pollutants
Hmm, it seems like at least three of those things are closely associated with one Rush Limbaugh, yes?

All four. He smokes cigars which create a toxic envelope around him.

Well, more toxic than the one he already lives in.

EatsBabyDingos September 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

It is easier to get into heaven than to drive a camel through the eye of a needledick.

PsycWench September 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

I think the guy who posted the question on Yahoo Answers is one of Rush's "speech" writers.

weejee September 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

Rush's favorite Caribbean ballad…

♪♫ Hey Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana
2 centimeters so you ought to go home ♫♪

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything heard that song for the first time, and asked me later that day:
Him: I heard this old-timey song, I can't figure it out. It's a guy singing with some kind of accent, and he keeps saying, "Daylight come and they won't go home". Did you ever hear it?
Me: Yeah, that's "Day-O". Harry Belafonte singing. I think he's from Trinidad.
Him: So, that guy singing wanted the Taliban to do WHAT with his banana?

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

Bill Hicks had some thoughts about Rush Limbaugh's sexual issues.

(NSFW, also not safe for anyone who plans to eat anytime soon…)

LibertyLover September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

My ears are bleeding….

Mojopo September 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

Howard Stern is hung like a Q-Tip and he spent his career surrounding himself with strippers and porn stars. But Howard also uses his small peen to let us know he is not too big for his britches. Also, Howard actually has more fans than Rush, I bet, because that blob Rush has been exaggerating the size of his audience for years. Like his poor withering pee-pee, that is not strong enough to get hard on it's own.

JohnnyQuick September 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

Weight around the waist? Do those damn Eye-Ties not lift their gut up before measuring their Giansons?

Heh. Yahoo Answers. Hey Josh, do you listen to My Brother, My Brother and Me, where they 'answer' those things?

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:27 pm

"Giansons"

Upfisted specificalli for this.

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

Not to mention better measuring instruments…. or is it Familiarity breeds Contraction…?

Maman September 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

Excellent. The GOP is undergoing contortions to gain the acceptance of a 14 year old boy. The nation is screwed.

bflrtsplk September 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

What, the guy don`t have a tongue? Forget I said that.

starfanglednut September 21, 2012 at 11:46 am

retch!

ph7 September 21, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I do, but it was outsourced to the Hitachi Wand.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Ah, somewhat on topic joke:
This 80 year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor makes him get on the scale, listens to his heart, etc. Then he says, "OK, Rocco, I need to see your sex organs".
The man holds up all ten fingers and sticks out his tongue.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

Lets put John Holmes on Mount Rushmore, problem solved.

Pat_Pending September 21, 2012 at 12:47 pm

which part? might not fit.

sudsmckenzie September 21, 2012 at 1:13 pm

It will head into North Dakota.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Better him than Reagan.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Still would attract Nancy though.

Spurning Beer September 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

Let's ask Mitt if those advertized enhugening products really work.

chicken_thief September 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

Oh, look! Beautiful clouds!

~Mitt

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

Nixon was a pretty big dick….

bumfug September 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

Hey, Rush – about the inches you're missing? I got 'em right here!

EatsBabyDingos September 21, 2012 at 11:28 am

Rush probably lost his to the beater bar of a Hoover.

zomgitsjesus September 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

It's not the size of the penis that matters, it's how much of a gigantic asshole you are that fails to turn them on Rush. I mean, with your cigar breath, sweat dripping from the rolls of fat, what else could it be?

Baconzgood September 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

The lil' lady is a feminist and my cock is HUGE!

starfanglednut September 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

Go Baconz!

ChernobylSoup September 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

So that's why the bell curve is shaped that way.

randcoolcatdaddy September 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

Rush, if you're that worried, I'd suggest you get a strap-on.

MadBrahms September 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

"No, no, Rush, the other way. Oh forget it."

LibertyLover September 21, 2012 at 11:31 am

Maybe Rush should be happy that his "big unit" is smaller. Makes it that much harder to step on it all of the time.

BarackMyWorld September 21, 2012 at 11:31 am

Awaiting psuedo-scientific explanation how an abstract social movement could effect a concrete biological trait.

Blueb4sinrise September 21, 2012 at 11:38 am

Concrete? Wow!

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Some guys just got it.

BartStarrland September 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

How can the water be warmer but our penises be smaller?

CommieLibunatic September 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I don't know about you, but it feels freezing if it's any lower than 80°. Oh, the hardships of living in Southern California…

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Ask George Costanza.

Goonemeritus September 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

I have always found that assertive women tend to make my penis grow larger.

SoBeach September 21, 2012 at 12:05 pm

True, true. Yoga britches do that too. Yoga britches on an assertive woman and I have to check the clearance before driving under bridges.

Oblios_Cap September 21, 2012 at 11:32 am

Rush is a giant dildo. That is all.

kittensdontlie September 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Well, as they say, "more than a mouthful is just wasted".

UW8316154 September 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Important information is lacking: are we comparing flaccid or hard?

proudgrampa September 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

Well, it's not how long you make it.
It's how you make it long!

ChernobylSoup September 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

Maybe it was cold in Italy that day.

mrblifil September 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

I was going to post something earlier in the thread but my penis kept flopping all over the keyboard and I was constantly having to push it off to the side. As usual however, my penis was having none of that. Attention must be paid.

johnnyzhivago September 21, 2012 at 11:35 am

I don't know about penis size, but the fact that this idiot still has a radio show makes me guess American's brain sizes must be getting smaller.

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Cause/effect.

SpeedoFart September 21, 2012 at 11:35 am

No snark, but does anyone have a cite for the original research? All I can find is an Italian study from 2001 linking height and weight to size variations. Every blog post/article linkage eventually dead ends at Jezebel or something called chacha.com (which crashes my phone).

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I can't find it. I did find this: http://web.archive.org/web/20070304084315/http://
Research says erect gay penises are bigger
Must also be the feminazis fault, amiright?

SpeedoFart September 21, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Nah, ghey peens are bigger 'cos they're so FAAAAAAAABULOUS!

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I finally got the chacha.com (which is a junk traffic attracting site) to load. No citation there either. Everyone else points to it as well. It's almost like Rush and that site have some kind of under the counter arrangement because there is no way someone like CBS news and shit should be pointing at a garbage site like that otherwise.

SpeedoFart September 21, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Thanks for helping me look for the cite, comrad. I had a sinking feeling after reading a couple of links that the "study" was just so much horse shit (or a mangling of an earlier study) and now I think I may have been correct.

Now it is time for the Rush Limbaugh tiny, tiny penis jokes. Go!

LesBontemps September 21, 2012 at 11:35 am

Jesus, Rush, just go buy a sportscar.

YasserArraFeck September 21, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Tubby cunt couldn't fit in a sportscar

Beowoof September 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Ah so the real reason for Rush's outrage that Obama is in the White House. Obama clearly must have a bigger dick. And that would probably be true for most of the old guys in the republican party. And I think Rush knows he will never savor the flavor of Obama's manhood and that is really driving him over the edge.

LesBontemps September 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

Paging Sara Benincasa!

owhatever September 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Rush then said Obama's penis had failed. Michelle just laughed.

Then Rush almost said the same thing about Clinton, but remembered Monica, so that didn't work.

Wingnuts will now give their little peni more sun, water and spread it with horse manure.

This is too easy. If Rush had taken better care of his little penis, he wouldn't be paying so much alimony to his first three wives.

MadBrahms September 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Man, this is just like when the feminists gave Rush boobs.

Toomush_Infer September 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

Hey, be kind….Rush hasn't seen his peen in forty years…..

ahnc September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

I find it offensive not to use Rush and small penis in the same sentence.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I feel your pain.
I find it offensive that this post made me think of Rush's penis.

ahnc September 21, 2012 at 3:51 pm

He must be hopped up on the OxyContin just in time for the election!

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

"Chubby White Meathead"

Pragmatist2 September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

Rush missed the point! Penis shrinkage is the final proof that the Earth is actually cooling.

slowhansolo September 21, 2012 at 11:40 am

Ann's cuntiness and Rush's tiny tadger… I do so love thematic consistency.

Blueb4sinrise September 21, 2012 at 11:41 am

Yikes! and this was BEFORE the Warren v. Brown debate.

Kid_Charlemagne September 21, 2012 at 11:42 am

I'm worried about you Rush! Gloria Steinem does not make MY penis shrink. Au contraire!

retarded_baboon September 21, 2012 at 11:42 am

This is obviously Obama's fault too, on account of his big black penis. It must make Rush all shrively just thinking about it.

LesBontemps September 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

Judging by the Dominican rentboys I'd have guessed the opposite.

retarded_baboon September 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Dominican rentboys are probably the only thing tight enough to satisfy such a small wiener.

LIT_Fag September 21, 2012 at 11:43 am

With respect to Rushbo's tiny pecker,
this is good news for all Dominican boys

scotankhamen September 21, 2012 at 11:47 am

isn't blaming it on the Feminazis the same thing as blaming Bush?
You know, because they don't shave and all that.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 11:49 am

Bwana Dik is amused by Rush's Micro-Member.

Pat_Pending September 21, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I suppose Rush could use a mud shark as a substitute.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 1:48 pm

If he had an 8-mm camera and a young lady with a Taste for the Bizarre.

Doktor Zoom September 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

Rush should just take a cue from Frank Sobotka, and be proud of his achievements, such as they are:

"For your information I wake up every morning with an angry blue-veined diamond cutter. I was gonna enlighten the president of local 47 on this particular point and he chose to depart. Blue steel gentlemen, 3 & 1/2 inches of hard blue steel"

starfanglednut September 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

He's at least partially right. I am a feminist, and I would like to shrink his dick considerably. With votes, of course.

Sharkey September 21, 2012 at 11:51 am

Call within the next 30 minutes and we'll take off an additional 5% for free!

ACT NOW!

Come here a minute September 21, 2012 at 11:51 am

Mamma mia! That's a tiny penis!

Kid_Charlemagne September 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

Coming to Broadway soon: "Rushpig and the Angry Inch."

Guppy September 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

Date shorter women.

Alternatively, try ass-fucking.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

I always figured Rush was a bottom and so penis size didn't matter.

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

This seems like a good excuse to post The Penis Song.

Sharkey September 21, 2012 at 11:58 am

This is bad news for all the mohelim.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 21, 2012 at 11:58 am

Argh! My brain just exploded with dick joke overload!

eggsacklywright September 21, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Dick asymptote. Spiking. "Breakthrough in the grey room.'

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 12:06 pm

We're approaching the Wangularity.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

But which head contains the brains?*
*This joke works better if the subject is male.

emmelemm September 21, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Oh man, we haven't even really scratched the surface of the dick jokes yet!

PinkoPopulist September 21, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Most underreported story of our generation: the feminazis caused Rush Limbaugh's drug addiction, and his fatness.

ThundercatHo September 21, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Hey, Editrix! I was going to suggest that maybe he should try touching your wrist but then you would probably have to chew your arm off d/t cooties or flesh-eating bacteria.

LibrarianX September 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I love that Rush has just confirmed having a teeny weeny.

LibrarianX September 21, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Also: has Rush seen his own feet since 1997?

C_R_Eature September 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Shrinkage? Me and my Arrow haven't noticed.

barto September 21, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I think it's just relative. As Rush became a bigger and bigger dick over the years, his penis just started to look really small in comparison.

tihond September 21, 2012 at 12:16 pm

With Rush, just the tip isn't a game, it's a description.

littlebigdaddy September 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Mr. Marcus libel!

calliecallie September 21, 2012 at 12:24 pm

It ain't the meat it's the motion
That makes your baby want to rock
It ain't the meat it's the motion
It's the movement that gives it the sock!

iamrrm September 21, 2012 at 12:28 pm

They don't call Rush a pencil dicked bug fucker for nothing.

evoshandor September 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm

I'd like to think that many of Rush's devotees did not race home and beat the shit out of their dumbfounded wives while screaming "It's all your fault!" over and over. But there I go wishing again.

Ruhe September 21, 2012 at 12:33 pm

But Rush is over fifty right? So he was born before the advent of feminazi-ism so he must have had a smallish penis back when every other guy was huge? Or is he worried that his dick as actually gotten smaller over the years?

Estproph September 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

God is to blame, Rush. God wants to make sure you don't reproduce, because God has taste.

DahBoner September 21, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Nope, sorry Morans!

But 3 South American countries exceed USA, according to The World Penis map:
http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/03/23/male-ego-chec

magic_titty September 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Back when men had more leverage to get rapey, our dicks had more self-esteem? I'll glad give up ten percent for that trade-off, you creepy fat slob.

ahnc September 21, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Rush enhances the Republican obsession with dicks or lack thereof.

Arkoday September 21, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Rush has a tiny penis. In other news, the Earth is round.

a_pink_poodle September 21, 2012 at 1:34 pm

The feminists of course! Nothing that kills boners better than feminist literature!

comrad_darkness September 21, 2012 at 1:38 pm

1940’s and 1950's: New use of BPA in plastic. The chemical industry begins to use BPA to manufacture a hard plastic called polycarbonate, and to make epoxy resins used as linings for metal food cans and a variety of other products. Although BPA leaches out of plastic long after its manufacture, the material is used in consumer products with no requirement that companies prove it is safe. The 70 years that follow BPA's introduction in these industries see the explosion of BPA-based plastics to encompass products as wide-ranging as bicycle helmets, water coolers, and baby bottles.

From here: http://www.ewg.org/reports/bpatimeline

You're welcome, Rush. Now you also know why you are as fat as a whale as well as have a pecker the size of a hummingbird.

OneYieldRegular September 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

You think Rush is bothered now, just wait until the Obama campaign suspends its use of "Forward" and replaces it with "Size Matters."

shelwood46 September 21, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Wait, wait, I do believe I see how this is the Feminazis fault. Fifty years ago, men felt comfortable lying about their penis size, but now the Feminazis have them all intimidated into telling the truth.

MiniMencken September 21, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Porfirio Rubirosa had a dick that Truman Capote, a man who knew his dicks, described as "an eleven inch cafe-au-lait sinker as thick as a man's wrist." He was also the world's most well-paid giggolo. So, how does that square with Rush's hypothesis?

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"So the Italian researchers who came up with this result (oh, those comical Italians, always electing Berlusconi and measuring dicks for science and shouting “Mama mia! That’s-a spicy meatball!” and such)"

OK, I assume this refers to Italians in Italy, but it made me picture a roomful of "Jersey Shore" type guys in lab coats measuring each other's dicks and going, "AAAAY!!" "OHHH!":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFON1IE13Lg

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Rush's tiny, limp weenus is the least of his problems.

tessiee September 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's just one woman's observation, but personally, I think all the dicks are just the right height.

SheriffRoscoe September 21, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Rush, you may have a tiny penis and everything but look on the bright side, you get to eat all the pasta and bread that you want!

zippy_w_pinhead September 21, 2012 at 2:34 pm

sorry GOP, you don't actually have a big tent, you have a tiny tent pole…

docterry6973 September 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Feminists? So that's my problem. Not that I have one. A problem that is. Never mind.

finette_ September 21, 2012 at 2:46 pm

In the past, I have earned some extra money by answering questions on a "free" (massively ad-supported) anonymous texting service for people too dumb to use Google. Most of these individuals are in the adolescent range, and I can tell you that questions about penis size and enhancement are absolutely the boy-equivalent of "Am I fat?" I became a master of consolation and relativism. Maybe I even consoled Rush!

HouseOfTheBlueLights September 21, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Feminists: Making penises shrink since 1907.

(first major suffragette march in the US)

alzronnie September 21, 2012 at 3:06 pm

How does Rush know what size his dick is if he can't see it?

zippy_w_pinhead September 21, 2012 at 4:10 pm

he asked the Costa Rican boys…

Nesnora September 21, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Well if I'm not shrinking penises because I want to be treated equally, then what's the point really.

zippy_w_pinhead September 21, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Poor Rush needs to talk to Jill Biden. Apparently not everybody is intimidated by feminazis…

ttommyunger September 21, 2012 at 11:23 pm

On the other hand, Rush himself can be described as a huge dick.

oldegeezer September 23, 2012 at 1:19 am

Wonkette…I'm willing to give Rusty the benefit of the doubt, when it comes to "size", because I've never showered with him…!

However; when it comes to "turgidity"…
We know Rusty, HAS A PROBLEM… !

He was actually detained by the INS trying to smuggle VIAGRA, into the country, without a prescription…without his [Rush Hudson Limpbough's] name on the prescription…

Hehehe…!

Damn I hate when I'm detained fore THAT…!

prommie September 21, 2012 at 11:59 am

Gotta know all the words to "boil that cabbage down," too. I get busy at work and what now, you accepting resume's?

prommie September 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Also helps if you ain't easily deterred.

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Yum, Smothers Brothers, such an aphrodisiac. And HEY! You shut up and don't be yelling at me, I got pills to use, you and all your working.

prommie September 21, 2012 at 12:09 pm

A-fucking-hem? Excuse me?

prommie September 21, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So if you’re down on you’re luck, and you can’t harmonize
Find a girl with far away eyes
And if you’re downright disgusted
And life ain’t worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Sorry, sorry, that was the slutty whore-moans talking, my bad. Of course I am just doing the laundry.

HistoriCat September 21, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Get a room you two!

prommie September 21, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I haven't the vaguest notion what you seem to be implying.

HistoriCat September 21, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I think I see the problem here …

FakaktaSouth September 21, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Oh lord, I'll show you, it's okay

Steverino247 September 21, 2012 at 12:48 pm

You gotta warm them up before going to the next level.

prommie September 21, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Damn

HELisforHEL September 21, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Hee! Sadly I think there's only one Howard Johnson's left–FREE CAKE ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!
And clamstrips, also, too.

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