SEND LAWYERS GUNS AND MONEY  5:08 pm September 20, 2012

Mitt’s Mexican Family: In Which The Mormons Accidentally Start Shooting Up The Cartels

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Halfway There No beheadings again this time! We are beginning to think Vice frontloaded their seven-part series!

Parts One, Two, and Three.

[Vice]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 66 comments }

nounverb911 September 20, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Are these the varmints that Mitt used to hunt?

DerrickWildcat September 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm

The Mormons Broke Bad!

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Let me know when they get to the bunga-bunga, someone?

Radiotherapy September 20, 2012 at 6:34 pm

But first a little beheading.

BloviateMe September 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

There's 2 minutes missing in the middle of this.____Consider the series discredited.

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Not one fuzzy penis in that whole segment.

ChillBill September 20, 2012 at 5:17 pm

"Moroni Vice" is the worst Mormon show ever.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 7:19 am

They're moving 300 kilos of pure uncut caffeine!

Maman September 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Maybe the last episode will be nothing but machete action!

CrunchyKnee September 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Typical anti-climactic hipster drivel. We need another war to…oh, wait, never mind.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Next on Fox! The show you have all been waiting for!The Mormon House wives of Mexico.

bikerlaureate September 20, 2012 at 5:36 pm

Real Homemakers of Chihuahua.

Steverino247 September 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Needs moar head.

On a more serious note, this conflict is a real tragedy inflicted on the (mostly) wonderful people of Mexico and I hope it ends soon. Now, back to the snark…

Generation[redacted] September 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Hey mormons can be bad asses. Especially when they go all desert survivalist. Biggest private gun collection I ever saw was in a mormon house and it filled a room.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Yes Mormons are killers according to they're own history except they normally dress up as Indians,and kill/Massacre Christians trying to settle the west.

sullivanst September 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Or just run around assassinating each other, viz. part 2.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Look at Bad Harry Reid, for example, all cutting Mitt's head off on the Senate floor.

sullivanst September 20, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Mitt cut his own head off in May, Harry just made sexytime with the cranium.

doloras September 21, 2012 at 12:17 am

Desert survivalists? Is Mitt Romney's real name Atreides?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm

These days, if no one gets beheaded or skullf*cked, it's hardly worth watching. Soooo, I probly won't.

kittensdontlie September 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

I am having trouble deciphering the symbolism of the Chihuahua statue, the soldier with the two pigeon figurines. 'A bird in the hand, is worth two on the sombrero?…

hagajim September 20, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Good thing there aren't any blahs in this documentary. I will say that I'm not sure where they're going with this now….might be hipster drivel after all.

glasspusher September 20, 2012 at 5:37 pm

What?!?! Oh, never mind. I thought it said shooting up with the Mexican cartels.

LionHeartSoyDog September 21, 2012 at 1:31 am

"MORMONS ACCIDENTALLY START SHOOTING UP THE CARTELS"

My question was, how do they get the cartels to dissolve enough to avoid clogging the needle?

(HoboSpaceJunkie, where are you now?).

Mumbletypeg September 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

These guys seem as convincingly Mormon-like as Mittens mugging as a mestizo.

LionHeartSoyDog September 21, 2012 at 1:34 am

i doubt that mittens can mug a mestizo, successfully.

UnholyMoses September 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Is this video going to make it more or less likely that the U.S. will be infested with cheap, seedy-as-all-hell ditch weed from Mexico instead of the nice, fluffy, sticky-icky Canadian stuff?

'Cause that's all that matters, really.

Lascauxcaveman September 20, 2012 at 5:47 pm

In CO, WA, and OR it will mostly be prime homegrown after this November.

: )

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Doesn't the WA initiative actually still prohibit homegrowing? (I'm not super hip on the intricacies of weed bills.)

OneDollarJuana September 20, 2012 at 6:32 pm

It won't pass anyway, because Costco isn't behind it to the tune of $20 million, as they were for the liquor initiative.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Technically, it prohibits home grown, as you would have to make all purchases at a state licensed store.

In practice…..

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Good to know. I was only asking for a friend…

weejee September 20, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Jesús Malverde? Didn't he play 2nd base for a couple of teams in the 80s, early 90s? Good at taking-out the lead runner and then unload his canon to get the guy at first for a double killing.

James Michael Curley September 20, 2012 at 5:52 pm

That was until he overthrew and hit Keith Olbermann's mother in the head.

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Is that some sort of Owen Meany reference, or is it really just all about baseball and thus I'm missing it entirely?

weejee September 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm

That works, and I'd love to take credit for that, but I was just taking the narco patron saint and playing with some bazebawl terms like 'double killing.' That said, regarding JMC's comment about Olbermann, I thought it was Keith that had TBI brain injury problems, not his mother. Perhaps she did get hit in the head with a baseball and that would explain why she repeatedly dropped ol' Keith on his little head. No stuffing hand grenades in the toilet here – just postings

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Oh, I didn't think *your* post was anything more than baseball.

It was the "hit your mother in the head with a ball" part that went all John Irving on me.

James Michael Curley September 20, 2012 at 8:51 pm

After Chuck Knoblauch signed a really big contract with the Yankees he began to develop what us old timers used to call ‘the yipps’, loosing accuracy in his throws to first base. One sailed into the stands and hit Keith Olbermann’s mother in the face while Olbermann was with ESPN. Obermann talked about it for years so that after he was off ESPN any time the subject of baseball came up on his ‘news’ shows it was known he would mention it.

ChocolateRomney September 20, 2012 at 5:50 pm

There's only one way to infiltrate the latino voter..er..I mean cartels and that's to go native, mis amigos.

LionHeartSoyDog September 21, 2012 at 1:36 am

It's Raining Chocolate Rmoney.

cheetojeebus September 20, 2012 at 5:55 pm

OT Tweety had a bit tonight about the PA Sponsor of the voter ID law- basically saying anybody being disenfranchised is too lazy to get an id.

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 7:10 pm

Self-righteous pinhead.

Hammiepants September 20, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I'm really surprised that instead of his cheesy spray tan Mittens didn't bust out a full blown Luchadores mask/costume at that Univision thing

LibrarianX September 20, 2012 at 6:03 pm

I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home, they're not much bigger than two meters.

BloviateMe September 20, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I just had a nerdgasm.

Fox n Fiends September 20, 2012 at 6:22 pm

MSM will pick this series up soon with the message that coastal-liberal-elitist cokeheads are causing the narco terrorism that is invading America.

YouBetcha September 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

This again?

comrad_darkness September 20, 2012 at 6:27 pm

This is like a soap opera, insufficient advancement of the plot each episode.

ahnc September 20, 2012 at 6:41 pm

And just when we thought things couldn't possibly get weirder than dog on the roof, etch-a-sketch, insulting the Brits, Clint Eastwood talking to a chair,and Mitt calling 47% of the US moochers, IT has gotten weirder.
Geez Louise, there is over 6 weeks left until the election.
I want a taco for some reason.

chascates September 20, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I'll just wait until the full-length movie comes out and not watch that.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Really, hasn't Mexico suffered enough?

Jus_Wonderin September 20, 2012 at 6:54 pm

"Ay, ay, ay, ay! oh, I am dee Frito Bandito."

Too soon?

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 7:08 pm

"I think it's just a shame that these Mormons aren't allowed to go sleeveless. Everyone should have a right to bare arms. I mean honestly, maybe it's just too hot outside and you don't want to wear a shirt with sleeves…."

Jane Curtin: "No, No , No….they're talking about the right to bear arms."

Emily Latella: "What's that? That's silly, what are they going to do with a bunch of bear arms? Hmmm…"

Jane Curtin: "No, Bear arms, bear arms…. the right to have and carry guns…."

Emily Latella: "Oh…"

Emily Latella ….. Never mind"

Terry September 20, 2012 at 7:19 pm

I finally caught up on these and they weren't what I expected. Seems like a good overview of a really bad situation. The link to Mitt is tenuous and really doesn't belong. I guess it's just there to hook folks in.

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Oddly, I find myself pulling for the Cartels.

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 7:36 pm

Okay, now I'm confused….I thought this was about Mormons, now you bring in Watchtowers – isn't that some sort of Seventh Day Adventists, or the folks who knock on your door while you're in your underwear on Saturday…?

MinAgain September 20, 2012 at 8:30 pm

"Drug Cartels vs. Mormons" is the worst movie in the Predator franchise.

DahBoner September 20, 2012 at 8:47 pm

OK, what do Jerry Garcia, David Koresh and Mormons have in common?

15 year olds screwed them in order to get closer to God.

//rimshot

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Apropos of very little, this host is extremely Canadian. I picked it up a few seconds into the video.

As for the video, if the colonia Mormons are so hard-up on wanting guns, they should just come back to America.

DahBoner September 21, 2012 at 8:41 am

Apparently, screwing 15 year olds is legal in Mexico…

Negropolis September 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm

I bet it's legal in quite a few states in the South.

calliecallie September 20, 2012 at 10:05 pm

Just caught up on the series. Interesting new information, but not what I was hoping for. (Although I guess it's clear Mitt was born to be a fan of the second amendment.)

I'm going to have to go back to Episode One, because somehow I MISSED the beheading! But not tonight…tonight, Dos Equis para mio.

richmx2 September 21, 2012 at 12:15 am

WRF??????? The Lebaron Colony are in no way connected to the Romneys. The Romneys are Mormons who emigrated to Mexico in the 1890s. The Lebaron group didn't even show up in Mexico until the 1930s, and most Mormons consider them a sect that sprang from Mormonism… it's like calling Episcopalians Roman Catholics. They achieved some notoriety back in the late 1970s when one of the sons of the patriarch, Ervil Lebaron, split with his brother to found a breakaway-breakaway sect, and launched a jihad throughout northern Mexico and the southwest U.S., killing off several of his own relations, and other "heretics". His daughter was only caught last year. That aside, how much of the Lebaron colony's troubles have to do with "drug lords" and how much to do with fights over water rights with their indigenous and Mennonite neighbors is a matter of speculation.

Jesus Malverde is not the "patron saint of drug lords," but a popular santone (unofficial saint) throughout Sinaloa. Yes, "drug lords" probably pay him homage too, but when will people figure out that VICE is probably even worse than the Canada Post and Fox News when it comes to coverage of Mexican affairs. C'mon, Wonkette, you can do better than this!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 21, 2012 at 8:34 am

VICE will not allow its programming to be dictated by fact checkers!

EllenStranger September 21, 2012 at 9:18 am

Surely you mean the National Post? Or are you talking about the little mini-documentaries Canada Post (the actual post office) used to make about Superman and Laura Secord in the War of 1812? In which case, yeah, their Mexican affairs coverage really was pretty shit.

Redgyal September 21, 2012 at 10:42 am

Thanks for clearing that up. This series seems more like a vote Romney ad than anytthing else.

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