Hero Congressman Calls For Shoving Military Gays Back Into Closet

  Someone Else

Have you heard of Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan (R-kindofsucks)? That’s ok, he is probably pretty useless most of the time, unless you live in his district, in which case he most likely ruins a lot of stuff for you. Anyway, he has had the bright idea of promising to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if he is re-elected and his party retakes the House in November. But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet? Oh, we’ll just shove them back in, it will be fine, they probably liked it there anyway.

Oh just kidding! He doesn’t so much want to fire them or shove them into the closet, he wants to look at guidance from our military (or so he says, conveniently ignoring the fact that the military is cool with gays. It’s ok, he’s a Republican, facts are not his bag). But the actual effects of the bill? Oh that, that is a military issue. He can’t be bothered to figure out the consequences of a given policy! It’s not his JOB, his JOB is raise money for himself and his party, have lunch with lobbyists, and vote for a bill here and there. The rest is up to Someone Else.

[ThinkProgress]

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Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

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144 comments

  1. ChernobylSoup

    I for one can't believe we still have a military after a whole year of it being destroyed by ending DADT.

    1. Boojum

      They can't help it. The thought of all those uniformed men, out and proud with their sweaty, naked, well-muscled sexuality, makes them feel that they need action on these issues, now!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe one of our gay posters here can confirm this: Perhaps it's some kind of secret sign, like green shirts on Thursday. *Looks down at shirt* Waidaminit! Oh dang.

    2. Negropolis

      The Lake Erie folks I'm not so worried about; it's the Ohio River Valley mouthbreathers that give me shivers.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        I certainly hope you're talking about the mouthbreathers from Ohio. Because yours truly was raised in the Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky's Ohio Valley. That devil's triangle where PA, Ohio, and West Virginia meet. How's that for a triple whammy? And right across the river from America's first nuclear plant, to boot! Yes, indeed, I DO glow in the dark. But I try hard not to talk with Joe Namath's accent.

  2. CrunchyKnee

    When the Cuyahoga river caught on fire in the 70s it made for a lot of the brain damage in that state.

      1. ThundercatHo

        Shout out to Parma and University Hts! Also, saw Alex Bevan several times and have some autographed tapes. Funniest time was at the Renfaire on the west side in '91 as he was wearing a Robin Hood get-up complete with tights and pointy elf shoes.

          1. ThundercatHo

            Valley Forge HS '79 Class motto: We smoke reefer, we drink wine, we're the class of '79! Left town for the left coast then came back and left again, friends and fam still there.

  3. BloviateMe

    Yup, there it is. Someone's gay fantasies are starting to take over, so it's time to attack/project. You can set your clcck to these latent homosexual urge guys.

    1. WhatTheHeck

      And instead of dousing them with a bucket of water, we’ll douse them with a bucket of glitter, just like at the circus.

  4. YasserArraFeck

    And what the fuck is the Army supposed to do with all those newly ordered pink M-16s, hmmm?

    And the Mk.69 Fagmentation grenades?

  5. mbobier

    Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?

    1. qwerty42

      Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?
      You say that like it's a bad thing. It's a feature, not a bug.

  6. SmutBoffin

    All that see-sawing, in-and-out of the closet motion will give Our Troops motion sickness at best, whiplash at worst.

    Why does Rep. Jim Jordan (R – TotallyHeteroVille) hate Our Troops?

  7. wiccanpedia

    Poor guy is now addicted to that naphthalene smell, but just because he really likes being in his closet doesn't mean he should be allowed to shove other people into theirs…

  8. edgydrifter

    Like Jim Jordan always says, if you wan't to make an omelette, you've got to get two hands in the bush.

    1. Guppy

      The DoD is having trouble with finding recruits that meet the fitness requirements; you have to have an ass worth watching to enlist.

  9. Goonemeritus

    Well the last “guidance” military leadership has offered is the policy was implemented without a hitch. Perhaps the real leadership he is looking to for guidance is the evangelical leadership. I’m pretty sure turning our military over to Pat Robertson might not be in our best interests.

  10. Baconzgood

    EEEEEWWWWWWW!!111!!!!1!!

    What the fuck is that fucking tongue thing he's doing? He did it for like 10 seconds.

  11. FakaktaSouth

    It is fascinating how these people are so willing to make themselves look as ridiculous and crossways and nonsensical about what "laws" are, just to pander and make sure everyone knows HEY! I HATE GAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LOVE TO DISCRIMINATE HARDER AND AGAIN AGAINST THEM, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, I'M THAT GUY!

    And it works.

    I just want a couch fort on my own island. Y'all can have these idiots.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You KNOW this. He is such a self-denier it's messing with his head and making him bend over backwards to torpedo his own credibility. (I'm full of the penetrating double entendres today…so to speak. dang. Now I can't stop)

  12. upthruster

    He can't think past the last question asked of him. That would require a special commision and then a hearing before that committee and then a survey of all the armed services members over 9 months before he could make up an answer for the camera.

        1. vtxmcrider

          His favorite move was when his opponent wrapped his legs around his head and he was "forced" to inhale that sweaty, musky crotch.

  13. NorthStarSpanx

    That's going to be as effective as Romney promising he'd repeal Obamacare on day 1 of his nonexistant Presidency and Ryan balancing the budget by the year's end.

  14. Tequila Mockingbird

    Dangit, the Republicans were THISCLOSE to locking down the gay vote forever and ever. Thanks a lot, Jim Jordan! Way to ruin everything!

  15. Peckerwood_Pete

    I dont get this whole anti gays in the military thing… I mean, it's not like some homo is going to try to grab a fellow soldiers nuts while in a foxhole…

  16. fuflans

    you know, if there's even the REMOTEST chance we take back congress and the white house again, i hope the liberal ass agenda we pass makes their little heads spin like linda blair.

  17. upthruster

    I just viewed the clip again, and when asked about soldiers already out and serving, he rolls his eyes, tips his head and smirks…like he's thnking" Actually I don't even think about them"

    Because, they're only gay..even if they are risking their lives for his ass…he doesn't think about them at all. Just like MIttens…they're only the 4%.

  18. banana_bread

    I'm guessing he also thinks Vagina-Americans don't belong in the military either. I'm sure he would like it better if the military was back to being all dudes. Naked, soapy dudes.

  19. JustPixelz

    But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet?

    He can just use Romney's Wayback Machine to have them retroactively retract their ask/tell word things.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Good news. When Rmoney is President, everything we say can be reversed.

      "Did I say I was gay? No, it was just inelegantly stated."

  20. rickmaci

    Just thinking out loud here for a second. Why the fuck are we even listening to this guy bloviate about the military when he never served a day in uniform? Oh, but he was a high school and college wrestler and a college wrestling coach, so maybe he knows a little something about sweaty men and the men who like to grapple with sweaty men.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    Hey, Alexander the Great. There's some noob from the 21st century who says you're unfit to serve in the military.

  22. BloviateMe

    Like he told his guy friend, "what happens in Jim Jordan, stays in Jim Jordan."

    That was right before the tickle fight.

  23. Mumbletypeg

    Since Rep. Jordan's apparently held some titles as a wrestler I was looking forward to seeing him heed his inner passions and utilize those talents with a man-on-man cage match, mood lit, cigars for after… Then I read that his last piledrive involved fending off Louis Gohmert from overtaking his committee chair spot and that reverie sort of lost its punch thereafter.

  24. Toomush_Infer

    Well, it's good to see he's constructed a wide stance on this unproblem – I'd like to see laws compelling him to walk about the Halls of Congress with a broomstick up his ass, although I'm not sure how that would work out in practice….

  25. docterry6973

    If Bammerz wins, the House GOP will vote to repeal Obamacare every Tuesday, vote to repeal DADT every Wednesday, and vote do defund Planned Parenthood every Thursday. They will take Monday and Friday off.

  26. chicken_thief

    "…and vote for a bill here and there."

    Those post offices are going to rename themselves, you know.

  27. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Other things to look forward to when the GOP gains control of the presidency and congress…
    Mandatory flag lapel pins for all men.
    FOX News will be renamed PBS and the old PBS will disappear.
    Mandatory 24 hour ultra-sonic uterus monitors for everyone including Lindsey Graham.
    All foreign sounding food must be renamed to American. For example, burritos will now be called a bean cheese and beef wrap.

  28. wiccanpedia

    Snark off for a mo… What do Repugs think about the message they're sending when they keep talking about repealing established law? Does it make them look resolute, pragmatic or moral?

    Laws need to be taken seriously in a democratic society because if you want law-abiding citizens, those citizens need to freakin' know what the freakin' laws actually are.

    If you want to establish or promote an authoritarian regime in a country, make sure that people have no idea what the laws are from day to day. Then you can easily round 'em up for infractions of unknown (& frequently unreasonable) laws.

    1. bikerlaureate

      It's almost understandable, if you consider the high regard with which the previous administration treated both new and existing law.

    2. LibertyLover

      That's a good point. It would be awfully damned hard to keep track of laws that are only in effect every Monday, Wednesday, and Every other Friday. Or what is legal from one administration to the next. It pretty much essentially turns us back into monarchy, doesn't it?

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        and require $200,000 (each) annual maintenance contracts and a $2.5 M "service life extension" upgrade in five years. All on no-competitive-bid contracts.

  29. chicken_thief

    Actually, Jimmy doesn't have a hair on his ass if he doesn't go full Santorum with this gay schtick.

    Wat a madder widdle Jimmy – you afwaid Dan Savage gonna roon yer name on the googles?

  30. midnighttoker69

    This douchebag asshat is my congressman. I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you … he's kinda like the drunken uncle who pisses himself at your little brother's birthday party that you feel obligated to apologize for.

    Sorry you all had to see that.

  31. littlebigdaddy

    Somebody really trying to tell me that this guy hasn't had his sphincter stretched on more than one occasion?

  32. bikerlaureate

    A Letter From Jim:

    Over time, I developed a "filter question" that still helps guide my decisions to this day. That question is: "Will this decision benefit families?" If it does, then I will stand up and fight for it, no matter who is against me.

  33. LibrarianX

    Why don't these guys know that this type of behavior makes people *more* likely to think that they're gay?

  34. MinAgain

    It is a shame that Rep. Jordan's campaign doesn't have a DADT policy. He could have avoided looking like a homophobic idiot.

  35. Jukesgrrl

    According to last Sunday's Marine Corps Times, the Pentagon has been emphatic in declaring the repeal a success.

    "The reasons, said Pentagon spokeswoman Eileen Lainez, include comprehensive pre-repeal training, vigorous monitoring and enforcement of standards, and service members’ 'adherence to core values that include discipline and respect.'

    "Last week, the Palm Center — a research institute at UCLA — issued what it described as the first academic study of the impact of repeal. Co-authored by professors from the military academies and Marine Corps War College, the study concludes that repeal had no broad negative impact. Contrary to expectations, the co-authors found evidence that repeal has improved trust among the troops, and has enabled service members to resolve problems in ways that were not possible while DADT remained law, the Palm Center said."

    Some of the changes made possible by DADT are dramatic. This summer, long-time Army officer Tammy Smith became the military’s first openly gay general. The honor of pinning on the general’s star during the promotion ceremony was enjoyed by the general's wife, Tracey Hepner. The couple wed in DC when DADT made it safe for Smith's career. Other differences were simpler yet touching. Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta won the traditional "First Kiss Contest" when her ship returned to port in Virginia after months at sea. The kiss she shared with her female partner was cheered by the crowd on hand and flags waved. A video of the event earned a million and a half hits on YouTube.

  36. thefrontpage

    Interestingly, Out and About, the monthly gay issues magazine, recently reported in its "Hangin' Out and About" society column that Jim Jordan was recently seen at the famed Bananas gay nightclub, restaurant, disco and bathhouse in Greenwich Village. He was shirtless, in shorts and barefoot in a special VIP Room with Mark Foley, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris for most of the night, according to Out and About. "Thish is a great club," a drunken Jordan slurred to Peter Johnson, an Out and About magazine reporter, who was at the club doing an investigative story on closeted, hypocritical, mentally-challenged gay politicians. "I love coming here, if you get my intentional pun," Jordan added, laughing.

    # # #

  37. clecinosu

    I don't live in his district, but I do work there, and I'm here to say Jordan is a complete tool, but if Ohio doesn't pass Issue 2 that will create fair districts in the state, you could be seeing this tool in Washington for longer than anyone would want.

Comments are closed.