SOMEONE ELSE  3:50 pm September 20, 2012

Hero Congressman Calls For Shoving Military Gays Back Into Closet

by Kris E. Benson

Have you heard of Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan (R-kindofsucks)? That’s ok, he is probably pretty useless most of the time, unless you live in his district, in which case he most likely ruins a lot of stuff for you. Anyway, he has had the bright idea of promising to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if he is re-elected and his party retakes the House in November. But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet? Oh, we’ll just shove them back in, it will be fine, they probably liked it there anyway.

Oh just kidding! He doesn’t so much want to fire them or shove them into the closet, he wants to look at guidance from our military (or so he says, conveniently ignoring the fact that the military is cool with gays. It’s ok, he’s a Republican, facts are not his bag). But the actual effects of the bill? Oh that, that is a military issue. He can’t be bothered to figure out the consequences of a given policy! It’s not his JOB, his JOB is raise money for himself and his party, have lunch with lobbyists, and vote for a bill here and there. The rest is up to Someone Else.

[ThinkProgress]

 

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{ 144 comments }

nounverb911 September 20, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Is that Jordan's rentboy standing behind him?

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Is he carrying his bags?

Veritas78 September 20, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Yup, he keeps fucking that chicken.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Aren't all congressional staffers fuck-buddies?

ThankYouJeebus September 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

And Jim will be waiting in the closet to welcome them with open arms.

zippy_w_pinhead September 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

or legs…

ph7 September 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Is that you, Pete? or Roger?

ChernobylSoup September 20, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I for one can't believe we still have a military after a whole year of it being destroyed by ending DADT.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Well, we still have all those long hard missiles standing up, waiting to explode.

And of course, artillery.

Fare la Volpe September 21, 2012 at 1:39 am

And all the navy seamen.

hagajim September 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Man these guys just love to keap on beating the dead Rafalca don't they.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

They can't help it. The thought of all those uniformed men, out and proud with their sweaty, naked, well-muscled sexuality, makes them feel that they need action on these issues, now!

no_gravity September 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

What was he doing with his tongue in the beginning of the video?

CrunchyKnee September 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Left over rent-boy juice?

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Maybe one of our gay posters here can confirm this: Perhaps it's some kind of secret sign, like green shirts on Thursday. *Looks down at shirt* Waidaminit! Oh dang.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 4:06 pm

"Green shir–"

Well, that explains a lot. I couldn't imagine who bought me the third margarita…

elviouslyqueer September 20, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Trying desperately to cover up the stretch marks, would be my guess.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:17 pm

The Lake Erie folks I'm not so worried about; it's the Ohio River Valley mouthbreathers that give me shivers.

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2012 at 1:18 am

I certainly hope you're talking about the mouthbreathers from Ohio. Because yours truly was raised in the Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky's Ohio Valley. That devil's triangle where PA, Ohio, and West Virginia meet. How's that for a triple whammy? And right across the river from America's first nuclear plant, to boot! Yes, indeed, I DO glow in the dark. But I try hard not to talk with Joe Namath's accent.

CrunchyKnee September 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

When the Cuyahoga river caught on fire in the 70s it made for a lot of the brain damage in that state.

Radiotherapy September 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I'll take that as a compliment.

ThundercatHo September 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Shout out to Parma and University Hts! Also, saw Alex Bevan several times and have some autographed tapes. Funniest time was at the Renfaire on the west side in '91 as he was wearing a Robin Hood get-up complete with tights and pointy elf shoes.

Radiotherapy September 20, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Seven Hills Libel!
Normandy HS '78
Cleveland Rocks!
Though I haven't lived there in 34 years.

ThundercatHo September 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Valley Forge HS '79 Class motto: We smoke reefer, we drink wine, we're the class of '79! Left town for the left coast then came back and left again, friends and fam still there.

weejee September 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Burn on mighty river, burn on.

bobbert September 20, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Waist deep in the Big Flamy.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Here, let me try to pass this bill. I don't know what effect it will have on anything, but I'll feel better about myself

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 5:02 pm

So it's the legislative equivalent of the slacktivist stuff posted on Facebook?

Maman September 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

In all fairness he puts toothpaste back into the tube for a hobby.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Is that a euphemism? Because it should be.

ph7 September 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Jim Jordan is totally okay with being gay, as long as you accept his invitation into the closet.

BloviateMe September 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Yup, there it is. Someone's gay fantasies are starting to take over, so it's time to attack/project. You can set your clcck to these latent homosexual urge guys.

Self-Uploader September 20, 2012 at 3:55 pm

To be fair, he just hasn't thought about what would happen to all those who already came out because logic is atheism and they skipped over that in home school.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

He has lots of thoughts about what he would like to happen to them….

Mittens Howell, III September 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I wish we could put all the Republicans back in the clown car.

WhatTheHeck September 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And instead of dousing them with a bucket of water, we’ll douse them with a bucket of glitter, just like at the circus.

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Or gasoline. Cigarette?

wiccanpedia September 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Can we tinker with the brakes first? Er, with votes, of course…

mmeetoilenoir September 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm

This is silly talk! You know that they're too fat for that.

Tom September 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

He's just following the Willard Mittens Romney "repeal and replace" policy of campaigning.

YasserArraFeck September 20, 2012 at 3:56 pm

And what the fuck is the Army supposed to do with all those newly ordered pink M-16s, hmmm?

And the Mk.69 Fagmentation grenades?

mbobier September 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?

qwerty42 September 20, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?
You say that like it's a bad thing. It's a feature, not a bug.

SmutBoffin September 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

All that see-sawing, in-and-out of the closet motion will give Our Troops motion sickness at best, whiplash at worst.

Why does Rep. Jim Jordan (R – TotallyHeteroVille) hate Our Troops?

wiccanpedia September 20, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Poor guy is now addicted to that naphthalene smell, but just because he really likes being in his closet doesn't mean he should be allowed to shove other people into theirs…

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

He is. You can tell.

Mittens Howell, III September 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Another Republican creating jobs, for the closet manufacturing sector.

edgydrifter September 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Like Jim Jordan always says, if you wan't to make an omelette, you've got to get two hands in the bush.

bobbert September 20, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Then it's just like shooting fish off a log.

Mittens Howell, III September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I hope they wheel Ann Romney out to tell us that Jim Jordan is not disparaging 'you people'.

Tequila Mockingbird September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Jim Jordan can suck it. You know he wants to.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

If your in combat you want a gay guy fighting next to you.You know he will be watching your ass.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm

He'll get your back when things get hairy.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Take one for the team?

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

While giving you a lift.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 4:13 pm

His shooting is Balls on accurate.

Guppy September 20, 2012 at 5:29 pm

The DoD is having trouble with finding recruits that meet the fitness requirements; you have to have an ass worth watching to enlist.

SayItWithWookies September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Mr. Sulu, set a course for Reagan-Era Faux Nostalgia. Mr. Sulu? Mr. Sulu?

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Sorry, Captain, Mr Sulu is off banging his husband.

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Oh MY!

Goonemeritus September 20, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Well the last “guidance” military leadership has offered is the policy was implemented without a hitch. Perhaps the real leadership he is looking to for guidance is the evangelical leadership. I’m pretty sure turning our military over to Pat Robertson might not be in our best interests.

Baconzgood September 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

EEEEEWWWWWWW!!111!!!!1!!

What the fuck is that fucking tongue thing he's doing? He did it for like 10 seconds.

vtxmcrider September 21, 2012 at 3:07 pm

He doesn't want to forget the taste.

FakaktaSouth September 20, 2012 at 4:00 pm

It is fascinating how these people are so willing to make themselves look as ridiculous and crossways and nonsensical about what "laws" are, just to pander and make sure everyone knows HEY! I HATE GAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LOVE TO DISCRIMINATE HARDER AND AGAIN AGAINST THEM, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, I'M THAT GUY!

And it works.

I just want a couch fort on my own island. Y'all can have these idiots.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"Harder and again" being the operative phrase.

FakaktaSouth September 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

You KNOW this. He is such a self-denier it's messing with his head and making him bend over backwards to torpedo his own credibility. (I'm full of the penetrating double entendres today…so to speak. dang. Now I can't stop)

FakaktaSouth September 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Exactly.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Here I am, trying to clean up my act, and you go replying.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I actually think that was a triple entendre with a full twist.

upthruster September 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

He can't think past the last question asked of him. That would require a special commision and then a hearing before that committee and then a survey of all the armed services members over 9 months before he could make up an answer for the camera.

Doktor Zoom September 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

It's people like Jim Jordan who gave rise to the phrase "so deep in the closet he can see Narnia."

FakaktaSouth September 20, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Oh heck yeah, this guy is so gay, just, gay gay gay.

kittensdontlie September 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Well, he was quite the wrestler in high school and college….

vtxmcrider September 21, 2012 at 3:09 pm

His favorite move was when his opponent wrapped his legs around his head and he was "forced" to inhale that sweaty, musky crotch.

bobbert September 20, 2012 at 7:34 pm

"The only thing between him and the back wall of the closet is Tom Cruise".

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:28 pm

"…so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents."

NorthStarSpanx September 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm

That's going to be as effective as Romney promising he'd repeal Obamacare on day 1 of his nonexistant Presidency and Ryan balancing the budget by the year's end.

JustPixelz September 20, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Plus 12 million new jobs. (In the USA, I hope!)

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Ryan will not only balance the budget, he will do it on his nose!

Come here a minute September 20, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Because DERP, that's why! What part of DERP do you people not understand?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 20, 2012 at 4:37 pm

The Double Entry Repeated Penetration?

Tequila Mockingbird September 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Dangit, the Republicans were THISCLOSE to locking down the gay vote forever and ever. Thanks a lot, Jim Jordan! Way to ruin everything!

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Oh, but they have locked down the gay vote forever…just not for their own party.

slowhansolo September 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Ruthless ambition+disregard of consequences+contemptible pandering+popular ignorance+hate exploitation = PROFIT.

(But not for you.)

bikerlaureate September 20, 2012 at 4:33 pm

He's a panderast.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

Magic underpants gnomes!

littlebigdaddy September 20, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Butch bitch sez what?

elviouslyqueer September 20, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Oh please. His only association with butch is that it just so happens to be his boyfriend's name.

Peckerwood_Pete September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I dont get this whole anti gays in the military thing… I mean, it's not like some homo is going to try to grab a fellow soldiers nuts while in a foxhole…

fuflans September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

you know, if there's even the REMOTEST chance we take back congress and the white house again, i hope the liberal ass agenda we pass makes their little heads spin like linda blair.

upthruster September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I just viewed the clip again, and when asked about soldiers already out and serving, he rolls his eyes, tips his head and smirks…like he's thnking" Actually I don't even think about them"

Because, they're only gay..even if they are risking their lives for his ass…he doesn't think about them at all. Just like MIttens…they're only the 4%.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I have got no gay jokes today. Must be off my game.

Maman September 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Its ok. Sometime we all feel not so fresh.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 4:09 pm

From the closed captioning:

tend to be a violinist rationing my people

Oh yea, he's gay.

banana_bread September 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I'm guessing he also thinks Vagina-Americans don't belong in the military either. I'm sure he would like it better if the military was back to being all dudes. Naked, soapy dudes.

HistoriCat September 20, 2012 at 4:18 pm

He watched 300 – all those strapping Spartan warriors, muscles gleaming …

banana_bread September 20, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I feel bad for whatever teenaged kid had to clean the theater after he was done.

JustPixelz September 20, 2012 at 4:10 pm

But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet?

He can just use Romney's Wayback Machine to have them retroactively retract their ask/tell word things.

Generation[redacted] September 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Good news. When Rmoney is President, everything we say can be reversed.

"Did I say I was gay? No, it was just inelegantly stated."

banana_bread September 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

"I retroactively went straight."

rickmaci September 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Just thinking out loud here for a second. Why the fuck are we even listening to this guy bloviate about the military when he never served a day in uniform? Oh, but he was a high school and college wrestler and a college wrestling coach, so maybe he knows a little something about sweaty men and the men who like to grapple with sweaty men.

OneYieldRegular September 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Hey, Alexander the Great. There's some noob from the 21st century who says you're unfit to serve in the military.

BloviateMe September 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Like he told his guy friend, "what happens in Jim Jordan, stays in Jim Jordan."

That was right before the tickle fight.

Mumbletypeg September 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Since Rep. Jordan's apparently held some titles as a wrestler I was looking forward to seeing him heed his inner passions and utilize those talents with a man-on-man cage match, mood lit, cigars for after… Then I read that his last piledrive involved fending off Louis Gohmert from overtaking his committee chair spot and that reverie sort of lost its punch thereafter.

banana_bread September 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm

He was a wrestler? Mud or Jello?

elviouslyqueer September 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Good lord, honey. Close your mouth before another Manolo Blahnik falls out.

YasserArraFeck September 20, 2012 at 4:15 pm

So, "Cover me, I'm going in" is going to revert to it's original, boring meaning?

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Well, it's good to see he's constructed a wide stance on this unproblem – I'd like to see laws compelling him to walk about the Halls of Congress with a broomstick up his ass, although I'm not sure how that would work out in practice….

docterry6973 September 20, 2012 at 4:21 pm

If Bammerz wins, the House GOP will vote to repeal Obamacare every Tuesday, vote to repeal DADT every Wednesday, and vote do defund Planned Parenthood every Thursday. They will take Monday and Friday off.

chicken_thief September 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm

"…and vote for a bill here and there."

Those post offices are going to rename themselves, you know.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 20, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Other things to look forward to when the GOP gains control of the presidency and congress…
Mandatory flag lapel pins for all men.
FOX News will be renamed PBS and the old PBS will disappear.
Mandatory 24 hour ultra-sonic uterus monitors for everyone including Lindsey Graham.
All foreign sounding food must be renamed to American. For example, burritos will now be called a bean cheese and beef wrap.

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

unless they're vegetarian burritos, in which case they will be called "Eggs"…

Kid_Charlemagne September 20, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Oh, my lovely, misguided home state! How I do not miss you so!

ManchuCandidate September 20, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Soundz like Jimz haz a sadz that his stash of military ghey pron isn't as taboo as it used to.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Gay ,and in the Military? He was known as Alexander the Great.Not Alexander the Fabulous!

wiccanpedia September 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Snark off for a mo… What do Repugs think about the message they're sending when they keep talking about repealing established law? Does it make them look resolute, pragmatic or moral?

Laws need to be taken seriously in a democratic society because if you want law-abiding citizens, those citizens need to freakin' know what the freakin' laws actually are.

If you want to establish or promote an authoritarian regime in a country, make sure that people have no idea what the laws are from day to day. Then you can easily round 'em up for infractions of unknown (& frequently unreasonable) laws.

bikerlaureate September 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

It's almost understandable, if you consider the high regard with which the previous administration treated both new and existing law.

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 4:37 pm

That's a good point. It would be awfully damned hard to keep track of laws that are only in effect every Monday, Wednesday, and Every other Friday. Or what is legal from one administration to the next. It pretty much essentially turns us back into monarchy, doesn't it?

weejee September 20, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Will the DoD have to install revolving doors on the closets?

docterry6973 September 20, 2012 at 4:42 pm

And the revolving doors will cost 1.5M each.

GeorgiaBurning September 20, 2012 at 6:54 pm

and require $200,000 (each) annual maintenance contracts and a $2.5 M "service life extension" upgrade in five years. All on no-competitive-bid contracts.

bobbert September 20, 2012 at 7:38 pm

JERBS!!!!

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Looks like Jim's gonna need a bigger closet.

chicken_thief September 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Actually, Jimmy doesn't have a hair on his ass if he doesn't go full Santorum with this gay schtick.

Wat a madder widdle Jimmy – you afwaid Dan Savage gonna roon yer name on the googles?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm

As long as the closet has a glory hole, will anyone be that upset?

Fox n Fiends September 20, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Just another Job Creator cold killing jobs.

midnighttoker69 September 20, 2012 at 4:53 pm

This douchebag asshat is my congressman. I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you … he's kinda like the drunken uncle who pisses himself at your little brother's birthday party that you feel obligated to apologize for.

Sorry you all had to see that.

Callyson September 20, 2012 at 4:54 pm

And no, this fucker did *not* serve in the military…

Asshole.

littlebigdaddy September 20, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Somebody really trying to tell me that this guy hasn't had his sphincter stretched on more than one occasion?

bikerlaureate September 20, 2012 at 5:16 pm

A Letter From Jim:

Over time, I developed a "filter question" that still helps guide my decisions to this day. That question is: "Will this decision benefit families?" If it does, then I will stand up and fight for it, no matter who is against me.

LibrarianX September 20, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Why don't these guys know that this type of behavior makes people *more* likely to think that they're gay?

jannut September 20, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Well, better latent than never.

barto September 20, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Hi JIm. Gay?

chascates September 20, 2012 at 6:45 pm

This is actually code for 'we will return America to the days of Jim Crow'.

poorgradstudent September 20, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Why is our brave godly representative supporting a DemocRAT idea?

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 7:17 pm

This closet queen has to have his grommet sized up two or three times a year, youbetcha!

MinAgain September 20, 2012 at 8:28 pm

It is a shame that Rep. Jordan's campaign doesn't have a DADT policy. He could have avoided looking like a homophobic idiot.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm

Geico caveman-looking MF says what?

Jukesgrrl September 21, 2012 at 1:52 am

According to last Sunday's Marine Corps Times, the Pentagon has been emphatic in declaring the repeal a success.

"The reasons, said Pentagon spokeswoman Eileen Lainez, include comprehensive pre-repeal training, vigorous monitoring and enforcement of standards, and service members’ 'adherence to core values that include discipline and respect.'

"Last week, the Palm Center — a research institute at UCLA — issued what it described as the first academic study of the impact of repeal. Co-authored by professors from the military academies and Marine Corps War College, the study concludes that repeal had no broad negative impact. Contrary to expectations, the co-authors found evidence that repeal has improved trust among the troops, and has enabled service members to resolve problems in ways that were not possible while DADT remained law, the Palm Center said."

Some of the changes made possible by DADT are dramatic. This summer, long-time Army officer Tammy Smith became the military’s first openly gay general. The honor of pinning on the general’s star during the promotion ceremony was enjoyed by the general's wife, Tracey Hepner. The couple wed in DC when DADT made it safe for Smith's career. Other differences were simpler yet touching. Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta won the traditional "First Kiss Contest" when her ship returned to port in Virginia after months at sea. The kiss she shared with her female partner was cheered by the crowd on hand and flags waved. A video of the event earned a million and a half hits on YouTube.

thefrontpage September 21, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Interestingly, Out and About, the monthly gay issues magazine, recently reported in its "Hangin' Out and About" society column that Jim Jordan was recently seen at the famed Bananas gay nightclub, restaurant, disco and bathhouse in Greenwich Village. He was shirtless, in shorts and barefoot in a special VIP Room with Mark Foley, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris for most of the night, according to Out and About. "Thish is a great club," a drunken Jordan slurred to Peter Johnson, an Out and About magazine reporter, who was at the club doing an investigative story on closeted, hypocritical, mentally-challenged gay politicians. "I love coming here, if you get my intentional pun," Jordan added, laughing.

# # #

clecinosu September 21, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I don't live in his district, but I do work there, and I'm here to say Jordan is a complete tool, but if Ohio doesn't pass Issue 2 that will create fair districts in the state, you could be seeing this tool in Washington for longer than anyone would want.

chicken_thief September 20, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Hold it right there, guys….

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Austin Powers "Oh Behave" That will do Austin.Quite right.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

I dunno. For me, the twist always winds up being kind of awkward.

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