Have you heard of Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan (R-kindofsucks)? That’s ok, he is probably pretty useless most of the time, unless you live in his district, in which case he most likely ruins a lot of stuff for you. Anyway, he has had the bright idea of promising to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if he is re-elected and his party retakes the House in November. But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet? Oh, we’ll just shove them back in, it will be fine, they probably liked it there anyway.

Oh just kidding! He doesn’t so much want to fire them or shove them into the closet, he wants to look at guidance from our military (or so he says, conveniently ignoring the fact that the military is cool with gays. It’s ok, he’s a Republican, facts are not his bag). But the actual effects of the bill? Oh that, that is a military issue. He can’t be bothered to figure out the consequences of a given policy! It’s not his JOB, his JOB is raise money for himself and his party, have lunch with lobbyists, and vote for a bill here and there. The rest is up to Someone Else.


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  • nounverb911

    Is that Jordan's rentboy standing behind him?

    • Boojum

      Is he carrying his bags?

    • Veritas78

      Yup, he keeps fucking that chicken.

    • Negropolis

      Aren't all congressional staffers fuck-buddies?

  • ThankYouJeebus

    And Jim will be waiting in the closet to welcome them with open arms.

    • zippy_w_pinhead

      or legs…

      • ph7

        Is that you, Pete? or Roger?

  • ChernobylSoup

    I for one can't believe we still have a military after a whole year of it being destroyed by ending DADT.

    • Well, we still have all those long hard missiles standing up, waiting to explode.

      And of course, artillery.

      • Fare la Volpe

        And all the navy seamen.

  • hagajim

    Man these guys just love to keap on beating the dead Rafalca don't they.

    • Boojum

      They can't help it. The thought of all those uniformed men, out and proud with their sweaty, naked, well-muscled sexuality, makes them feel that they need action on these issues, now!

  • no_gravity

    What was he doing with his tongue in the beginning of the video?

    • CrunchyKnee

      Left over rent-boy juice?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe one of our gay posters here can confirm this: Perhaps it's some kind of secret sign, like green shirts on Thursday. *Looks down at shirt* Waidaminit! Oh dang.

      • "Green shir–"

        Well, that explains a lot. I couldn't imagine who bought me the third margarita…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Trying desperately to cover up the stretch marks, would be my guess.

    • Negropolis

      The Lake Erie folks I'm not so worried about; it's the Ohio River Valley mouthbreathers that give me shivers.

      • I certainly hope you're talking about the mouthbreathers from Ohio. Because yours truly was raised in the Commonwealth of Pennsyltucky's Ohio Valley. That devil's triangle where PA, Ohio, and West Virginia meet. How's that for a triple whammy? And right across the river from America's first nuclear plant, to boot! Yes, indeed, I DO glow in the dark. But I try hard not to talk with Joe Namath's accent.

  • CrunchyKnee

    When the Cuyahoga river caught on fire in the 70s it made for a lot of the brain damage in that state.

    • Radiotherapy

      I'll take that as a compliment.

      • ThundercatHo

        Shout out to Parma and University Hts! Also, saw Alex Bevan several times and have some autographed tapes. Funniest time was at the Renfaire on the west side in '91 as he was wearing a Robin Hood get-up complete with tights and pointy elf shoes.

        • Radiotherapy

          Seven Hills Libel!
          Normandy HS '78
          Cleveland Rocks!
          Though I haven't lived there in 34 years.

          • ThundercatHo

            Valley Forge HS '79 Class motto: We smoke reefer, we drink wine, we're the class of '79! Left town for the left coast then came back and left again, friends and fam still there.

    • Burn on mighty river, burn on.

      • bobbert

        Waist deep in the Big Flamy.

  • Here, let me try to pass this bill. I don't know what effect it will have on anything, but I'll feel better about myself

    • PsycWench

      So it's the legislative equivalent of the slacktivist stuff posted on Facebook?

  • In all fairness he puts toothpaste back into the tube for a hobby.

    • Boojum

      Is that a euphemism? Because it should be.

  • ph7

    Jim Jordan is totally okay with being gay, as long as you accept his invitation into the closet.

  • BloviateMe

    Yup, there it is. Someone's gay fantasies are starting to take over, so it's time to attack/project. You can set your clcck to these latent homosexual urge guys.

  • To be fair, he just hasn't thought about what would happen to all those who already came out because logic is atheism and they skipped over that in home school.

    • Boojum

      He has lots of thoughts about what he would like to happen to them….

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I wish we could put all the Republicans back in the clown car.

    • WhatTheHeck

      And instead of dousing them with a bucket of water, we’ll douse them with a bucket of glitter, just like at the circus.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or gasoline. Cigarette?

    • wiccanpedia

      Can we tinker with the brakes first? Er, with votes, of course…

    • mmeetoilenoir

      This is silly talk! You know that they're too fat for that.

  • Tom

    He's just following the Willard Mittens Romney "repeal and replace" policy of campaigning.

  • YasserArraFeck

    And what the fuck is the Army supposed to do with all those newly ordered pink M-16s, hmmm?

    And the Mk.69 Fagmentation grenades?

  • mbobier

    Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?

    • qwerty42

      Hmmmm — NOT "thinking about how that would work in practice" is the problem with a lot of the loony stuff the GOP advocates, isn't it?
      You say that like it's a bad thing. It's a feature, not a bug.

  • SmutBoffin

    All that see-sawing, in-and-out of the closet motion will give Our Troops motion sickness at best, whiplash at worst.

    Why does Rep. Jim Jordan (R – TotallyHeteroVille) hate Our Troops?

  • wiccanpedia

    Poor guy is now addicted to that naphthalene smell, but just because he really likes being in his closet doesn't mean he should be allowed to shove other people into theirs…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    He is. You can tell.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Another Republican creating jobs, for the closet manufacturing sector.

  • edgydrifter

    Like Jim Jordan always says, if you wan't to make an omelette, you've got to get two hands in the bush.

    • bobbert

      Then it's just like shooting fish off a log.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I hope they wheel Ann Romney out to tell us that Jim Jordan is not disparaging 'you people'.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Jim Jordan can suck it. You know he wants to.

  • sbj1964

    If your in combat you want a gay guy fighting next to you.You know he will be watching your ass.

    • He'll get your back when things get hairy.

      • sbj1964

        Take one for the team?

        • While giving you a lift.

          • sbj1964

            His shooting is Balls on accurate.

          • chicken_thief

            Hold it right there, guys….

          • sbj1964

            Austin Powers "Oh Behave" That will do Austin.Quite right.

    • Guppy

      The DoD is having trouble with finding recruits that meet the fitness requirements; you have to have an ass worth watching to enlist.

  • Mr. Sulu, set a course for Reagan-Era Faux Nostalgia. Mr. Sulu? Mr. Sulu?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sorry, Captain, Mr Sulu is off banging his husband.

      • emmelemm

        Oh MY!

  • Goonemeritus

    Well the last “guidance” military leadership has offered is the policy was implemented without a hitch. Perhaps the real leadership he is looking to for guidance is the evangelical leadership. I’m pretty sure turning our military over to Pat Robertson might not be in our best interests.

  • Baconzgood


    What the fuck is that fucking tongue thing he's doing? He did it for like 10 seconds.

    • vtxmcrider

      He doesn't want to forget the taste.

  • FakaktaSouth

    It is fascinating how these people are so willing to make themselves look as ridiculous and crossways and nonsensical about what "laws" are, just to pander and make sure everyone knows HEY! I HATE GAY PEOPLE AND WOULD LOVE TO DISCRIMINATE HARDER AND AGAIN AGAINST THEM, JUST IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, I'M THAT GUY!

    And it works.

    I just want a couch fort on my own island. Y'all can have these idiots.

    • Boojum

      "Harder and again" being the operative phrase.

      • FakaktaSouth

        You KNOW this. He is such a self-denier it's messing with his head and making him bend over backwards to torpedo his own credibility. (I'm full of the penetrating double entendres today…so to speak. dang. Now I can't stop)

        • FakaktaSouth


          • Boojum

            Here I am, trying to clean up my act, and you go replying.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            I dunno. For me, the twist always winds up being kind of awkward.

        • Boojum

          I actually think that was a triple entendre with a full twist.

  • upthruster

    He can't think past the last question asked of him. That would require a special commision and then a hearing before that committee and then a survey of all the armed services members over 9 months before he could make up an answer for the camera.

  • Doktor Zoom

    It's people like Jim Jordan who gave rise to the phrase "so deep in the closet he can see Narnia."

    • FakaktaSouth

      Oh heck yeah, this guy is so gay, just, gay gay gay.

      • kittensdontlie

        Well, he was quite the wrestler in high school and college….

        • vtxmcrider

          His favorite move was when his opponent wrapped his legs around his head and he was "forced" to inhale that sweaty, musky crotch.

    • bobbert

      "The only thing between him and the back wall of the closet is Tom Cruise".

    • Negropolis

      "…so far in the closet he's finding Christmas presents."

  • NorthStarSpanx

    That's going to be as effective as Romney promising he'd repeal Obamacare on day 1 of his nonexistant Presidency and Ryan balancing the budget by the year's end.

    • JustPixelz

      Plus 12 million new jobs. (In the USA, I hope!)

    • Boojum

      Ryan will not only balance the budget, he will do it on his nose!

  • Come here a minute

    Because DERP, that's why! What part of DERP do you people not understand?

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      The Double Entry Repeated Penetration?

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Dangit, the Republicans were THISCLOSE to locking down the gay vote forever and ever. Thanks a lot, Jim Jordan! Way to ruin everything!

    • Negropolis

      Oh, but they have locked down the gay vote forever…just not for their own party.

  • Ruthless ambition+disregard of consequences+contemptible pandering+popular ignorance+hate exploitation = PROFIT.

    (But not for you.)

    • bikerlaureate

      He's a panderast.

    • Negropolis

      Magic underpants gnomes!

  • littlebigdaddy

    Butch bitch sez what?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. His only association with butch is that it just so happens to be his boyfriend's name.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    I dont get this whole anti gays in the military thing… I mean, it's not like some homo is going to try to grab a fellow soldiers nuts while in a foxhole…

  • you know, if there's even the REMOTEST chance we take back congress and the white house again, i hope the liberal ass agenda we pass makes their little heads spin like linda blair.

  • upthruster

    I just viewed the clip again, and when asked about soldiers already out and serving, he rolls his eyes, tips his head and smirks…like he's thnking" Actually I don't even think about them"

    Because, they're only gay..even if they are risking their lives for his ass…he doesn't think about them at all. Just like MIttens…they're only the 4%.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I have got no gay jokes today. Must be off my game.

    • Its ok. Sometime we all feel not so fresh.

  • From the closed captioning:

    tend to be a violinist rationing my people

    Oh yea, he's gay.

  • banana_bread

    I'm guessing he also thinks Vagina-Americans don't belong in the military either. I'm sure he would like it better if the military was back to being all dudes. Naked, soapy dudes.

    • HistoriCat

      He watched 300 – all those strapping Spartan warriors, muscles gleaming …

      • banana_bread

        I feel bad for whatever teenaged kid had to clean the theater after he was done.

  • JustPixelz

    But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet?

    He can just use Romney's Wayback Machine to have them retroactively retract their ask/tell word things.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Good news. When Rmoney is President, everything we say can be reversed.

      "Did I say I was gay? No, it was just inelegantly stated."

      • banana_bread

        "I retroactively went straight."

  • rickmaci

    Just thinking out loud here for a second. Why the fuck are we even listening to this guy bloviate about the military when he never served a day in uniform? Oh, but he was a high school and college wrestler and a college wrestling coach, so maybe he knows a little something about sweaty men and the men who like to grapple with sweaty men.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hey, Alexander the Great. There's some noob from the 21st century who says you're unfit to serve in the military.

  • BloviateMe

    Like he told his guy friend, "what happens in Jim Jordan, stays in Jim Jordan."

    That was right before the tickle fight.

  • Since Rep. Jordan's apparently held some titles as a wrestler I was looking forward to seeing him heed his inner passions and utilize those talents with a man-on-man cage match, mood lit, cigars for after… Then I read that his last piledrive involved fending off Louis Gohmert from overtaking his committee chair spot and that reverie sort of lost its punch thereafter.

    • banana_bread

      He was a wrestler? Mud or Jello?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Good lord, honey. Close your mouth before another Manolo Blahnik falls out.

  • YasserArraFeck

    So, "Cover me, I'm going in" is going to revert to it's original, boring meaning?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, it's good to see he's constructed a wide stance on this unproblem – I'd like to see laws compelling him to walk about the Halls of Congress with a broomstick up his ass, although I'm not sure how that would work out in practice….

  • docterry6973

    If Bammerz wins, the House GOP will vote to repeal Obamacare every Tuesday, vote to repeal DADT every Wednesday, and vote do defund Planned Parenthood every Thursday. They will take Monday and Friday off.

  • chicken_thief

    "…and vote for a bill here and there."

    Those post offices are going to rename themselves, you know.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Other things to look forward to when the GOP gains control of the presidency and congress…
    Mandatory flag lapel pins for all men.
    FOX News will be renamed PBS and the old PBS will disappear.
    Mandatory 24 hour ultra-sonic uterus monitors for everyone including Lindsey Graham.
    All foreign sounding food must be renamed to American. For example, burritos will now be called a bean cheese and beef wrap.

    • Toomush_Infer

      unless they're vegetarian burritos, in which case they will be called "Eggs"…

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    Oh, my lovely, misguided home state! How I do not miss you so!

  • Soundz like Jimz haz a sadz that his stash of military ghey pron isn't as taboo as it used to.

  • sbj1964

    Gay ,and in the Military? He was known as Alexander the Great.Not Alexander the Fabulous!

  • wiccanpedia

    Snark off for a mo… What do Repugs think about the message they're sending when they keep talking about repealing established law? Does it make them look resolute, pragmatic or moral?

    Laws need to be taken seriously in a democratic society because if you want law-abiding citizens, those citizens need to freakin' know what the freakin' laws actually are.

    If you want to establish or promote an authoritarian regime in a country, make sure that people have no idea what the laws are from day to day. Then you can easily round 'em up for infractions of unknown (& frequently unreasonable) laws.

    • bikerlaureate

      It's almost understandable, if you consider the high regard with which the previous administration treated both new and existing law.

    • LibertyLover

      That's a good point. It would be awfully damned hard to keep track of laws that are only in effect every Monday, Wednesday, and Every other Friday. Or what is legal from one administration to the next. It pretty much essentially turns us back into monarchy, doesn't it?

  • Will the DoD have to install revolving doors on the closets?

    • docterry6973

      And the revolving doors will cost 1.5M each.

      • GeorgiaBurning

        and require $200,000 (each) annual maintenance contracts and a $2.5 M "service life extension" upgrade in five years. All on no-competitive-bid contracts.

        • bobbert


  • LibertyLover

    Looks like Jim's gonna need a bigger closet.

  • chicken_thief

    Actually, Jimmy doesn't have a hair on his ass if he doesn't go full Santorum with this gay schtick.

    Wat a madder widdle Jimmy – you afwaid Dan Savage gonna roon yer name on the googles?

  • As long as the closet has a glory hole, will anyone be that upset?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Just another Job Creator cold killing jobs.

  • midnighttoker69

    This douchebag asshat is my congressman. I don't know why I felt compelled to share that with you … he's kinda like the drunken uncle who pisses himself at your little brother's birthday party that you feel obligated to apologize for.

    Sorry you all had to see that.

  • Callyson

    And no, this fucker did *not* serve in the military…


  • littlebigdaddy

    Somebody really trying to tell me that this guy hasn't had his sphincter stretched on more than one occasion?

  • bikerlaureate

    A Letter From Jim:

    Over time, I developed a "filter question" that still helps guide my decisions to this day. That question is: "Will this decision benefit families?" If it does, then I will stand up and fight for it, no matter who is against me.

  • LibrarianX

    Why don't these guys know that this type of behavior makes people *more* likely to think that they're gay?

  • jannut

    Well, better latent than never.

  • barto

    Hi JIm. Gay?

  • chascates

    This is actually code for 'we will return America to the days of Jim Crow'.

  • poorgradstudent

    Why is our brave godly representative supporting a DemocRAT idea?

  • ttommyunger

    This closet queen has to have his grommet sized up two or three times a year, youbetcha!

  • MinAgain

    It is a shame that Rep. Jordan's campaign doesn't have a DADT policy. He could have avoided looking like a homophobic idiot.

  • Negropolis

    Geico caveman-looking MF says what?

  • According to last Sunday's Marine Corps Times, the Pentagon has been emphatic in declaring the repeal a success.

    "The reasons, said Pentagon spokeswoman Eileen Lainez, include comprehensive pre-repeal training, vigorous monitoring and enforcement of standards, and service members’ 'adherence to core values that include discipline and respect.'

    "Last week, the Palm Center — a research institute at UCLA — issued what it described as the first academic study of the impact of repeal. Co-authored by professors from the military academies and Marine Corps War College, the study concludes that repeal had no broad negative impact. Contrary to expectations, the co-authors found evidence that repeal has improved trust among the troops, and has enabled service members to resolve problems in ways that were not possible while DADT remained law, the Palm Center said."

    Some of the changes made possible by DADT are dramatic. This summer, long-time Army officer Tammy Smith became the military’s first openly gay general. The honor of pinning on the general’s star during the promotion ceremony was enjoyed by the general's wife, Tracey Hepner. The couple wed in DC when DADT made it safe for Smith's career. Other differences were simpler yet touching. Petty Officer 2nd Class Marissa Gaeta won the traditional "First Kiss Contest" when her ship returned to port in Virginia after months at sea. The kiss she shared with her female partner was cheered by the crowd on hand and flags waved. A video of the event earned a million and a half hits on YouTube.

  • thefrontpage

    Interestingly, Out and About, the monthly gay issues magazine, recently reported in its "Hangin' Out and About" society column that Jim Jordan was recently seen at the famed Bananas gay nightclub, restaurant, disco and bathhouse in Greenwich Village. He was shirtless, in shorts and barefoot in a special VIP Room with Mark Foley, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, Anderson Cooper and Neil Patrick Harris for most of the night, according to Out and About. "Thish is a great club," a drunken Jordan slurred to Peter Johnson, an Out and About magazine reporter, who was at the club doing an investigative story on closeted, hypocritical, mentally-challenged gay politicians. "I love coming here, if you get my intentional pun," Jordan added, laughing.

    # # #

  • clecinosu

    I don't live in his district, but I do work there, and I'm here to say Jordan is a complete tool, but if Ohio doesn't pass Issue 2 that will create fair districts in the state, you could be seeing this tool in Washington for longer than anyone would want.

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