IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR  11:50 am September 20, 2012

Watch Fox & Friends Try to Roast Tiny Marshmallows With Their Hands

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Chris Wallace, son of Mike, may be a creepo Republican apologist, but he occasionally asks really great tough questions even of his own team. Watch in horror alongside him, as he realizes Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends is roasting marshmallows with his hands. (They not only reject global warming, they also don’t believe those “experts” who claim “fire is hot.”) But then Brian Kilmeade jumps in to save the day, with a plastic spoon. “No no no, not plastic!” shouts Doocy! “It’s bad for the environment!” And that’s when they fired Steve Doocy.

Gretchen? She wasn’t valedictorian of her high school class for nothing. “These two guys,” she says, falteringly, “I don’t know what they’re doing.”

“I’m thinking what all of your viewers are thinking,” Wallace scoffs, unable to believe his eyes. Then he breathes for a beat, looking to see if Roger Ailes is within hearing distance. “Which is?” asks Kilmeade, because he is an idiot.

“What a bunch of dopes.”

[MediaMatters]

 
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{ 149 comments }

nounverb911 September 20, 2012 at 11:52 am

Are they at least using Roger Ailes's blubber for the fuel?

YasserArraFeck September 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Screw ANWR, Drill Ailes, Baby, Drill Ailes

weejee September 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Be good for what Ailes America. None novocaine, also, too.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Call me Isreal…"

NorthStarSpanx September 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I don't think even Todd Palin (our blue-eyed Eskimo) would burn Ailes blubber, you don't burn rancid oil – even in times of starvation.

Generation[redacted] September 20, 2012 at 11:53 am

That is exactly the kind of awareness and critical thinking required for their brand of news analysis.

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Don't forget planning and thinking ahead.

HistoriCat September 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Fox's finest hour.

Barbara_ September 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

At least they didn't try to bob for french fries.

nounverb911 September 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

That would make a fortune on Pay-for-view.

eggsacklywright September 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Next week: making s'mores with a flamethrower.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Hey now. There's a fine line between stupid and awesome. Taking some blacksmithing tongs to a smore and blasting it with a propane flamethrower would be badass. Pinching a baby marshmallow over a decorative flame, not so much.

Even a creme brulee is more punk rock than these twits.

chicken_thief September 20, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Yet….

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

They truly are stupid.The company Limo at Fox News is the short bus.

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I am dumber now. I don't think I can work any more today, because I don't understand "law" or "discrimination" stuff.

ChillBill September 20, 2012 at 11:54 am

Early humans figured this one out thousands of years ago.

Serolf_Divad September 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Was that before or after the Flood?

kyeshinka September 20, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Just 4,000 years ago, which is when Adam and Jesus worked at Slate Gravel Co.

NorthStarSpanx September 20, 2012 at 1:36 pm

If you are even suggesting perhaps even a hint at evolution, they'll try roasting you with their fingers also too.

Tequila Mockingbird September 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right….

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

Let's face it, no one is in the middle here…except maybe Gretchen in the middle of an Eiffel Tower if ya know what I mean!

ChillBill September 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Needs moar ear slicing.

nounverb911 September 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

Have they blamed Obama for their burnt fingers yet?

Serolf_Divad September 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

No doubt some Federal regulation prevented them from using a stick… or having a brain, for that matter.

ChurchofRealism September 20, 2012 at 12:49 pm

OK, this comment, right here, a winner.

ChillBill September 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

Burn, motherfucker, burn.

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

I was sincerely hoping the entire set burnt down.

kittensdontlie September 20, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

—Robert Frost

Come here a minute September 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

Chris, Fox viewers would think that if they were not also dopes. What they're thinking is, "Yummy mushmellows!"

Lascauxcaveman September 20, 2012 at 11:56 am

Jackasses. Johnny Knoxville says U R doin it rong.

Estproph September 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

The hosts of Fox and Friends don't have to worry about getting burned. They are constructed entirely of derp.

freakishlywrong September 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

Oh Fux and Frauds, so stupid, so silly, so dangerous.

weejee September 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Has the psych ward at Bellevue done a bed check recently?

Lucidamente1 September 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Do

"Steve, it would be so cool if you roasted marshmallows on the air. If you did that, I would do anything you say, anything."

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 11:57 am

Also, too. A little late to the party on this clip, no?

Mahousu September 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Perhaps, though somehow they don't seem to have gotten any smarter in the last couple of years.

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

There is no doubt that if Gallup did an IQ tracking poll it would show a consistent downward slope. The entire show is a deep, deep vortex of stupidity. They are all so dumb that they make each other dumber just by sitting next to each other everyday.

FlownOver September 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

If a 1998 Obama clip is fair game…

chascates September 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

Special Needs Adults Host Faux Talk Show

thefrontpage September 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

Tonight, on the Fox Adult Network (FAN), Chris Wallace, Steve Doocy, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity wrestle naked in marshmallow Fluff and chocolate syrup. Be sure to stay up after that for another hour of jello and mud wrestling with the naked Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

Tonight, on the Fox Adult Network!

***Please contact your local cable company for exact times.***

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

NO

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Our Data Group is serving tacos today for lunch as a morale thingy as we approach the end of the fiscal year. I think I'm going to pass, now…

notanncoulter September 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Thanks.
Food I ate in 1967 just came up.
And I'm not done yet.

BornInATrailer September 20, 2012 at 11:58 am

Syphilitic Shetland ponies shouldn't mind the cold. Where are they?

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

Wow, this is like two years old, right? I mean, Gretchen hasn't gotten her Brazilian which I noticed as she slowly recrosses her legs, like she does every segment.

MissTaken September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

The stupid, it burns.

eggsacklywright September 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Kill it with fire!

Sophist[Kochblocker] September 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

The trick, MissTaken, is not minding that it burns.

Steverino247 September 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

T.E. Lawrence libel!!!!

Wadisay September 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Gretch "didn't want to go out like a dope," so she's going to talk about tax cuts. Hahahaha, FAIL!!!

hagajim September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

Has the Rmoney campaign dumbed these idiots down, or have they always been dumb? Also, if I were a Faux watcher (like most of the mouth breathers are) – I might start wondering what the hell I was watching.

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

I hope they decide to do a fondue soon!

rickmaci September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

OMG. A couple of boobs. And the two idiot guys.

hagajim September 20, 2012 at 11:59 am

Gretchen didn't want to go out on Friday as a dope – but she started the week as one on Monday.

edgydrifter September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Doocy has a second teleprompter that constantly flashes:

INHALE

EXHALE

INHALE

EXHALE

eggsacklywright September 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Glad I didn't have a mouthful of tea there.

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

He's got to have Bush's "Machine Head" on continuous play on his iPod.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG8lyFwopyg

horsedreamer_1 September 20, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Or, better yet, Prodigy's "Breathe" b/w "Firewater".

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Oh, you guys!

They're just trying to outdo G. Gordon Liddy. That's all! And you folks mock them for being macho?

Chet Kincaid_ September 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Damn you!!

TootsStansbury September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

And we can't use the R word up in here.

Beetagger September 20, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Full R.

freakishlywrong September 20, 2012 at 12:15 pm

It's Redundant when commenting on these idiots.

Serolf_Divad September 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Just substitute "Republican." Works for me.

ThankYouJeebus September 20, 2012 at 2:07 pm

When I was a stoopid youth in Texas, we used to 'tease' people by telling them to hold their tongue and say 'I am so we todd did' and then laugh hilariously at them.

no_gravity September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I don't watch the Fox Newz, is this a children's program?

sharethegrief September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

That's the first time Steve Doocy ever sat on fur.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Unless you count Ron Jeremy's chest.

JohnnyQuick September 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Fox and Friends' snuff film will consist wholly of previously aired material.

Guppy September 20, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Even Homer Simpson knows one should obey the laws of thermodynamics.

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The entire cast at Fox&Friends make Homer look like an Einstein.

actor212 September 20, 2012 at 12:14 pm

In fairness, he learned that through trial and error.

Radiotherapy September 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm

LET'S TALK ABOUT TAX CUTS AND HARRY REID!!1!

Serolf_Divad September 20, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Translation: LOOK, something shiny!

Mumbletypeg September 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I wanna see how Wallace sizes up the next scene, in which Doocy pulls a Good Will Hunting and suggests he & Gretchen cut loose and "eat a bunch of caramels."

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Sitting on ice blocks and roasting MINI marshmallows (not even full size marshmalllows) with their hands and a plastic (no, that won't melt) fork. If that isn't an indication of what type of information you can get on Fox News, I don't know what is.
(Future Darwin award winners?)

Let's send them camping and see if they get eaten by bears. It will make for great TV.

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I would, in fact, pay to watch that. (Pay Per View!)

ThundercatHo September 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Remember Foxy Friends to keep all the food inside your tent and that bacon grease makes a great bear repellant.

CrunchyKnee September 20, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Watch out chucklenutz, shit burns quickly.

MosesInvests September 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

rickmaci September 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Q. How many FauxNoozyies does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They would rather sit in the dark and blame Obama for the lack of electricity.

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

It's funny because it's true.

Not_So_Much September 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

If they aren't willing to hold them in their sneering mouths, I don't believe they love 'Murka enough to be on the teevee.

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 12:04 pm

“What a bunch of dopes.”

Anybody else here remember that brilliant Steve Martin short story, "The Day the Dopes Came Over?"

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

No, but then I really don't need anything….just this chair…and this lamp….

BaldarTFlagass September 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The internet can do anything:
I was sitting at home, peeking through the blinds at my neighbour's wife, minding my own business, when my doorbell rang.
"Who's there?" I shouted. "We don't know," came the reply. I immediately knew the dopes had come over.
I opened the door and invited them in. I was happy to have company even if they were a bunch of dopes.
"Well, what brings you over this way?" I queried.
"Yup." "Yup." "Yup." "Yup," they said.
"Would you like some coffee?" I asked.
"Gol," said one dope, "how long have we been here?"
"About two minutes."
"Gol, we should have left hours ago!"
And they packed up some of my things and lumbered out.
"Goodbye Dopes!" I shouted.
They turned to me and shouted back, "Goodbye, you big fuckin' idiot!"

ThankYouJeebus September 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm

They've just been invited to host a masters science class at Liberty University.

Dudleydidwrong September 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

One would expect six-year-olds to abstain from that kind of behavior, so to make judgments about the Faux Snooze crew you have to go down further in the chronological age category–four-year-olds? three? "Isn't that cute, dear. Our baby is roasting marshmallows over an open fire with his fingers. In fifteen years he'll be ready to work for Faux." America's dumbest criminals.

CrunchyKnee September 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Fire is hot, you can't explain that.

Caelan Aegana September 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

Fucking marshmallows, how do they work?

sbj1964 September 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I can't wait to hear what Jon Stewart is going to say on this one.

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm

"Because I really don't want to go out as a dope, I'm going to talk tax policy with you, Chris"….this, this is the icing on the cake!…

BoroPrimorac September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

In order to convince the rednecks who watch our show that we're just like them, we need to act like Honey Boo Boo's family at a Chinese restaurant.

freakishlywrong September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

You'd burn marshmallows too if MSNBC was beating you in the ratings, (prime time, not the awful morning shit).

Blueb4sinrise September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

When I read our Editrix's headline , I wondered, 'What could this possibly mean? Some obscure metaphor ? Buttsechs? Drinky thing? Veiled insult to Jebbus or Mos'hammed?
No, it is a real thing.

emmelemm September 20, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I know, I was trying to figure out how "tiny hands" was actually a metaphor for "tiny penis" and how, exactly, burning marshmallows fit in to the sex act.

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I think there could be a country song written about this episode.

JustPixelz September 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Mah dawg died this morning
Mah truck done lost its muffler
Mah wife she's a cheatin'
But at least I'm not Steve Doocey.

PsycWench September 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Works for me. Ooh, ooh, how about an adaptation of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt"?

I…
burned myself today…
because I didn't know…
fire was really hot…

MinAgain September 20, 2012 at 8:37 pm

I believe there already has been.

Marshmallow fell into a burning ring of fire.
Hand went down, down, down, and the flame went higher.
And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire.
The ring of fire.

elviouslyqueer September 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm

There's 2:05 of my life I'll never get back.

a_pink_poodle September 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Ah HAH! Fox & Friends are secret liberals! Bad for the environment indeed!

MinAgain September 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Beauty is only skin deep, but stupid goes clear to the bone.

ManchuCandidate September 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Ever get the idea that if you paint a tunnel into the side of a building, the Faux and Fiends guys would try to run into the tunnel?

SoBeach September 20, 2012 at 12:10 pm

And yet not one single Fox fan is going wonder how this makes them look. Not one.

AbandonHope_ September 20, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I'm fairly sure I've seen episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba where the cast was more intelligent.

I mean, sweet mother of Pepsi. I had to double-check the URL to make sure I wasn't accidentally reading the Onion, but no. One idiot literally tried to roast marshmallows by holding them above a fire, and another idiot thinks plastic is fireproof.

And millions of idiots just like them are going to vote for Romney.

MissTaken September 20, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Where's the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man when you need him?

Toomush_Infer September 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Who you gonna call?…

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Smart enough to stay home….

Kid_Charlemagne September 20, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Last time I saw him, he was canoodling with the Swiss Miss.

SayItWithWookies September 20, 2012 at 12:17 pm

History tells us that nobody has ever died trying to roast marshmallows. Fox & Friends is going to prove history wrong.

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 12:32 pm

They re-write history all the time!

Chet Kincaid_ September 20, 2012 at 12:18 pm

I always suspected Gretchen had a block of ice under her skirt, so this just confirms it.

poorgradstudent September 20, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So they're basically the bungling henchmen from any '80s or '90s Saturday morning cartoon, only real?

LibertyLover September 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Gretchen says: Because I really don't want to go out on a Friday as a 'dope'…"

One might make the argument why is Friday any different than any other day?

Chet Kincaid_ September 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Needs moar G. Gordon Liddy.

ph7 September 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I thought cavemen mastered fire.

Blueb4sinrise September 20, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Nope. Not in the Bible.

Chow Yun Flat September 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Burn, baby, burn. Magnificent Montague

Ouch, that hurts. Steve Doocy

Katydid September 20, 2012 at 12:24 pm

I love the smell of stupid in the morning.

magic_titty September 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm

"Wingnuts roasting on an open fire…"

eggsacklywright September 20, 2012 at 12:30 pm

"Jack Frost picking at your nose."

Oblios_Cap September 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Ignorance should be painful.

Wadisay September 20, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Did he refer to Gretchen's hoo-hah as a "split verdict"?

PinkoPopulist September 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I can't really watch these videos with the sound on in my office, but I can't possibly imagine anything they say would make it any funnier than it is without sound. It's like watching a bunch of autistic children witness fire for the first time. These are grown adults, granted adults with low IQs, but one would expect they would at least act like they've seen a fire before…or does Ailes keep them locked away in gimp outfits the other 21 hours of the day?

skmind September 20, 2012 at 12:31 pm

It was suspenseful till the very end. Two douche-bags and two boobs inches from proving themselves combustible, or having the fire marshal shut down their set.

Douchebaggery might have gone extinct. Alas, it just wasn't meant to be!

Maybe Wallace can hand them power tools next time.

Comrade Wingtardd September 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm

So the "Jackass" and "Assholes" shows have merged now?

DahBoner September 20, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Of course they used their hands.

Do you know how much a bundle of sticks goes for in Manhattan?

Callyson September 20, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"Can we get a stick? Anyone got a stick?"

Not in that crowd…

DerrickWildcat September 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Country Boy Can Survive.

owhatever September 20, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Steve: Now Fox News has discovered this piece of extraordinary film from the Watts riots many years ago in which a black kid who looks a little like Obama, although his back is to the camera, says…well, you watch and decide for yourselves. It's disgusting. How can this man be President of our country, Gretchen?

Gretchen: I couldn't watch it all because of the blood and communism. And was that Jeremiah Ayers in there kissing the Obama man? Brian, your thoughts on this shocking piece of video?

Obama should be impeached immediately. He has bought totally into the Marx Brothers teachings that lead to these kind of incidents. Christmas is under attack. I thought I saw Michelle in there, too. Did you see her, Chris?

Wallace: I would shoot myself. except for Roger Ailes paying me so much money.

shelwood46 September 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Just like with the Romney campaign, it looks like the Dems have snuck an operative into Fox News. "Hey, guys, here's a great idea, let's build a set out of ice. Why? Um, to prove global warming isn't real. (They're buying it.) And we'll have a live fire pit in the middle of the set, with a real fire. Don't worry, it's fine to have a fire indoors. We'll give you marshmallows! (OMG, they're buying it. Now I'll give them mini-marshmallows with no forks and see what happens.)"

CommieLibunatic September 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I have no words for this one. My tiny libtard mind can't repel stupid of that magnitude.

barto September 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Would have been better if they held them between their teeth and glued their jaws shut for once and for all.

Kid_Charlemagne September 20, 2012 at 1:20 pm

They would have made 'smores, but they didn't have any white chocolate.

LibrarianX September 20, 2012 at 1:25 pm

It's nice to know that these guys are EXACTLY as dumb as I always imagined.

OneYieldRegular September 20, 2012 at 1:30 pm

SO close. I mean, this could have been the best Darwin Award ever.

LibrarianX September 20, 2012 at 1:33 pm

They need Drunk Frat Guy from the other day out there. On the block of ice.

ElPinche September 20, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Kilmeade disappoints me, I thought he was the smart one.

Maman September 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Why exactly is the "R" word not appropriate here?

schvitzatura September 20, 2012 at 2:27 pm

It smells like a Boy Scout campout now. I love the aroma.

Smells like young nubile clean, thrifty, and brave teen spirit, huh Doocy?

NYNYNYjr September 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm

So Chris Wallace is in the tank for Obama. That's what I assume from his Fox and Friend Libel.

Also, has anyone else notice that Gretchen is actually slightly smarter than the other two?

AtwatersGhost September 20, 2012 at 3:34 pm

FuxNews–needz moar self-immolation!!!

rocktonsam September 20, 2012 at 4:52 pm

the only thing that is fair and balanced at FOX NEWZ is teh stupid.

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Wow! Apparently Wallace has enough sense to be embarrassed by and for his dimwitted compadres. I did not know that.

En_Buenora September 20, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Fire hot! Fire hot make good food! OW, fire hot, burn hand! Fire bad! No, want stick! Give stick! Me get stick and make far away from fire, Fox Friends have good food now! Me eat candy from stick with hot fire!

AlterNewt September 20, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I'm told that these people are on television 5 days a week. Every week. And that people watch them. This can't be true.

Nowisallthereis September 21, 2012 at 7:39 am

Oh
My
God

AznMom420 September 24, 2012 at 1:02 am

This is what fox news is all about the foreground is a bunch of idiots testing their own flammability while in the back a plaintive voice cries into a dead microphone "but what… but what about politics?!?!"

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