it's the most wonderful time of the year

Watch Fox & Friends Try to Roast Tiny Marshmallows With Their Hands

Chris Wallace, son of Mike, may be a creepo Republican apologist, but he occasionally asks really great tough questions even of his own team. Watch in horror alongside him, as he realizes Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends is roasting marshmallows with his hands. (They not only reject global warming, they also don’t believe those “experts” who claim “fire is hot.”) But then Brian Kilmeade jumps in to save the day, with a plastic spoon. “No no no, not plastic!” shouts Doocy! “It’s bad for the environment!” And that’s when they fired Steve Doocy.

Gretchen? She wasn’t valedictorian of her high school class for nothing. “These two guys,” she says, falteringly, “I don’t know what they’re doing.”

“I’m thinking what all of your viewers are thinking,” Wallace scoffs, unable to believe his eyes. Then he breathes for a beat, looking to see if Roger Ailes is within hearing distance. “Which is?” asks Kilmeade, because he is an idiot.

“What a bunch of dopes.”


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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      1. NorthStarSpanx

        I don't think even Todd Palin (our blue-eyed Eskimo) would burn Ailes blubber, you don't burn rancid oil – even in times of starvation.

  1. Generation[redacted]

    That is exactly the kind of awareness and critical thinking required for their brand of news analysis.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        Hey now. There's a fine line between stupid and awesome. Taking some blacksmithing tongs to a smore and blasting it with a propane flamethrower would be badass. Pinching a baby marshmallow over a decorative flame, not so much.

        Even a creme brulee is more punk rock than these twits.

    1. Boojum

      I am dumber now. I don't think I can work any more today, because I don't understand "law" or "discrimination" stuff.

      1. NorthStarSpanx

        If you are even suggesting perhaps even a hint at evolution, they'll try roasting you with their fingers also too.

    1. PinkoPopulist

      Let's face it, no one is in the middle here…except maybe Gretchen in the middle of an Eiffel Tower if ya know what I mean!

    1. Serolf_Divad

      No doubt some Federal regulation prevented them from using a stick… or having a brain, for that matter.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Some say the world will end in fire,
      Some say in ice.
      From what I’ve tasted of desire
      I hold with those who favor fire.
      But if it had to perish twice,
      I think I know enough of hate
      To say that for destruction ice
      Is also great
      And would suffice.

      —Robert Frost

  2. Come here a minute

    Chris, Fox viewers would think that if they were not also dopes. What they're thinking is, "Yummy mushmellows!"

  3. Estproph

    The hosts of Fox and Friends don't have to worry about getting burned. They are constructed entirely of derp.

      1. PinkoPopulist

        There is no doubt that if Gallup did an IQ tracking poll it would show a consistent downward slope. The entire show is a deep, deep vortex of stupidity. They are all so dumb that they make each other dumber just by sitting next to each other everyday.

  4. thefrontpage

    Tonight, on the Fox Adult Network (FAN), Chris Wallace, Steve Doocy, Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity wrestle naked in marshmallow Fluff and chocolate syrup. Be sure to stay up after that for another hour of jello and mud wrestling with the naked Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

    Tonight, on the Fox Adult Network!

    ***Please contact your local cable company for exact times.***

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Our Data Group is serving tacos today for lunch as a morale thingy as we approach the end of the fiscal year. I think I'm going to pass, now…

  5. actor212

    Wow, this is like two years old, right? I mean, Gretchen hasn't gotten her Brazilian which I noticed as she slowly recrosses her legs, like she does every segment.

  6. hagajim

    Has the Rmoney campaign dumbed these idiots down, or have they always been dumb? Also, if I were a Faux watcher (like most of the mouth breathers are) – I might start wondering what the hell I was watching.

    1. ThankYouJeebus

      When I was a stoopid youth in Texas, we used to 'tease' people by telling them to hold their tongue and say 'I am so we todd did' and then laugh hilariously at them.

  7. LibertyLover

    Sitting on ice blocks and roasting MINI marshmallows (not even full size marshmalllows) with their hands and a plastic (no, that won't melt) fork. If that isn't an indication of what type of information you can get on Fox News, I don't know what is.
    (Future Darwin award winners?)

    Let's send them camping and see if they get eaten by bears. It will make for great TV.

    1. ThundercatHo

      Remember Foxy Friends to keep all the food inside your tent and that bacon grease makes a great bear repellant.

  8. rickmaci

    Q. How many FauxNoozyies does it take to change a light bulb?
    A. None. They would rather sit in the dark and blame Obama for the lack of electricity.

  9. Not_So_Much

    If they aren't willing to hold them in their sneering mouths, I don't believe they love 'Murka enough to be on the teevee.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    “What a bunch of dopes.”

    Anybody else here remember that brilliant Steve Martin short story, "The Day the Dopes Came Over?"

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        The internet can do anything:
        I was sitting at home, peeking through the blinds at my neighbour's wife, minding my own business, when my doorbell rang.
        "Who's there?" I shouted. "We don't know," came the reply. I immediately knew the dopes had come over.
        I opened the door and invited them in. I was happy to have company even if they were a bunch of dopes.
        "Well, what brings you over this way?" I queried.
        "Yup." "Yup." "Yup." "Yup," they said.
        "Would you like some coffee?" I asked.
        "Gol," said one dope, "how long have we been here?"
        "About two minutes."
        "Gol, we should have left hours ago!"
        And they packed up some of my things and lumbered out.
        "Goodbye Dopes!" I shouted.
        They turned to me and shouted back, "Goodbye, you big fuckin' idiot!"

  11. Dudleydidwrong

    One would expect six-year-olds to abstain from that kind of behavior, so to make judgments about the Faux Snooze crew you have to go down further in the chronological age category–four-year-olds? three? "Isn't that cute, dear. Our baby is roasting marshmallows over an open fire with his fingers. In fifteen years he'll be ready to work for Faux." America's dumbest criminals.

  12. Toomush_Infer

    "Because I really don't want to go out as a dope, I'm going to talk tax policy with you, Chris"….this, this is the icing on the cake!…

  13. BoroPrimorac

    In order to convince the rednecks who watch our show that we're just like them, we need to act like Honey Boo Boo's family at a Chinese restaurant.

  14. freakishlywrong

    You'd burn marshmallows too if MSNBC was beating you in the ratings, (prime time, not the awful morning shit).

  15. Blueb4sinrise

    When I read our Editrix's headline , I wondered, 'What could this possibly mean? Some obscure metaphor ? Buttsechs? Drinky thing? Veiled insult to Jebbus or Mos'hammed?
    No, it is a real thing.

    1. emmelemm

      I know, I was trying to figure out how "tiny hands" was actually a metaphor for "tiny penis" and how, exactly, burning marshmallows fit in to the sex act.

    1. JustPixelz

      Mah dawg died this morning
      Mah truck done lost its muffler
      Mah wife she's a cheatin'
      But at least I'm not Steve Doocey.

      1. PsycWench

        Works for me. Ooh, ooh, how about an adaptation of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt"?

        burned myself today…
        because I didn't know…
        fire was really hot…

    2. MinAgain

      I believe there already has been.

      Marshmallow fell into a burning ring of fire.
      Hand went down, down, down, and the flame went higher.
      And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire.
      The ring of fire.

  16. AbandonHope_

    I'm fairly sure I've seen episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba where the cast was more intelligent.

    I mean, sweet mother of Pepsi. I had to double-check the URL to make sure I wasn't accidentally reading the Onion, but no. One idiot literally tried to roast marshmallows by holding them above a fire, and another idiot thinks plastic is fireproof.

    And millions of idiots just like them are going to vote for Romney.

  17. LibertyLover

    Gretchen says: Because I really don't want to go out on a Friday as a 'dope'…"

    One might make the argument why is Friday any different than any other day?

  18. PinkoPopulist

    I can't really watch these videos with the sound on in my office, but I can't possibly imagine anything they say would make it any funnier than it is without sound. It's like watching a bunch of autistic children witness fire for the first time. These are grown adults, granted adults with low IQs, but one would expect they would at least act like they've seen a fire before…or does Ailes keep them locked away in gimp outfits the other 21 hours of the day?

  19. skmind

    It was suspenseful till the very end. Two douche-bags and two boobs inches from proving themselves combustible, or having the fire marshal shut down their set.

    Douchebaggery might have gone extinct. Alas, it just wasn't meant to be!

    Maybe Wallace can hand them power tools next time.

  20. owhatever

    Steve: Now Fox News has discovered this piece of extraordinary film from the Watts riots many years ago in which a black kid who looks a little like Obama, although his back is to the camera, says…well, you watch and decide for yourselves. It's disgusting. How can this man be President of our country, Gretchen?

    Gretchen: I couldn't watch it all because of the blood and communism. And was that Jeremiah Ayers in there kissing the Obama man? Brian, your thoughts on this shocking piece of video?

    Obama should be impeached immediately. He has bought totally into the Marx Brothers teachings that lead to these kind of incidents. Christmas is under attack. I thought I saw Michelle in there, too. Did you see her, Chris?

    Wallace: I would shoot myself. except for Roger Ailes paying me so much money.

  21. shelwood46

    Just like with the Romney campaign, it looks like the Dems have snuck an operative into Fox News. "Hey, guys, here's a great idea, let's build a set out of ice. Why? Um, to prove global warming isn't real. (They're buying it.) And we'll have a live fire pit in the middle of the set, with a real fire. Don't worry, it's fine to have a fire indoors. We'll give you marshmallows! (OMG, they're buying it. Now I'll give them mini-marshmallows with no forks and see what happens.)"

  22. barto

    Would have been better if they held them between their teeth and glued their jaws shut for once and for all.

  23. schvitzatura

    It smells like a Boy Scout campout now. I love the aroma.

    Smells like young nubile clean, thrifty, and brave teen spirit, huh Doocy?

  24. NYNYNYjr

    So Chris Wallace is in the tank for Obama. That's what I assume from his Fox and Friend Libel.

    Also, has anyone else notice that Gretchen is actually slightly smarter than the other two?

  25. ttommyunger

    Wow! Apparently Wallace has enough sense to be embarrassed by and for his dimwitted compadres. I did not know that.

  26. En_Buenora

    Fire hot! Fire hot make good food! OW, fire hot, burn hand! Fire bad! No, want stick! Give stick! Me get stick and make far away from fire, Fox Friends have good food now! Me eat candy from stick with hot fire!

  27. AlterNewt

    I'm told that these people are on television 5 days a week. Every week. And that people watch them. This can't be true.

  28. AznMom420

    This is what fox news is all about the foreground is a bunch of idiots testing their own flammability while in the back a plaintive voice cries into a dead microphone "but what… but what about politics?!?!"

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