how much does this guy love kids? HOW MUCH?MJ fans! Rejoice! The 25th Anniversary remaster of Bad came out on Tuesday, and it is AWESOME. Remastered, digitally perfect versions of songs like Bad, The Way You Make Me Feel, Smooth Criminal…and eight previously unreleased tracks including Song Groove!

Oh, excuse me, I should probably refer to that track by its real name: Abortion Papers.

Yes, ladies and gents (mainly ladies), Michael Jackson made a song about a young lady having an abortion. Was he for or against it, you ask?

Well, he made a song about being a badass street fighter; The Way You Make Me Feel, judging by its video, was about stalking a woman through a filthy alley (but don’t worry, Take Back the Nighters, she liked it?); and Smooth Criminal evinced an obsessive concern about a girl named Annie. Dirty Diana was all about judging a lady for being a whore. So, yeah, this is pretty much a Planned Parenthood theme song.

Here’s the song:

And here are some of the (weirdly catchy) lyrics:

Sister don’t read, she’ll never know
What about love?
Living a Christian soul
What do we get, she runs away
What about love?
What about all I pray

Don’t know the worst, she knows a atheist
What about God?
Living is all I see
What do you get, things she would say
What about love?
That’s all I pray

Those abortion papers
Signed in your name against the words of God
Those abortion papers
Think about life, I’d like to have my child

Hey, if you abort ’em, you can’t dangle ’em.

Alternate history time with Your Wonkette: imagine if ’80s MJ, inarguably the biggest musical superstar in the world and probably history, had released an anti-abortion song at the end of the Reagan presidency. Not only would that shit have gone straight to number one, but abortion probably would have ended three days later in a massive dance scene punctuated by a giant elephant march down Pennsylvania Avenue, capped off by America’s second baby boom as all ladies got spontaneously pregnant to the strains of I Just Can’t Stop Loving You.

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  • One_who_wanders

    Apparently Poppa do preach!

    • I'm thinking he wrote this while being LaToya.

    • eggsacklywright

      Musta been hittin' the Jesus juice.

    • "Don't Cryogenic for me, Argenti-i-naaa!" — Madonna, to MJ

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Let's just say the Scientologists don't have much on the Jehovah's Witnesses.

  • Baconzgood

    It's a Thriller of a song.

    • I feel Bad, but it's not Black or White for me. Guess i'll just Beat It, look at The Man in the Mirror, and Remember the Time when I was livin' Off the Wall.

      • Baconzgood

        *Doffs my cap*

        I sir have been out punned.

        • What, do you want to be startin' somethin? The Way You Make Me Feel with your puns… I just Can't Stop Loving you.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Please … don't remind me of Michael Jackson, Neverland and children in the same sentence…

  • HRH_Maddie

    He's pretty judgey for a kiddie-toucher.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Didn't the Catholic church thing teach us that being judgey is pretty much de rigeur for a kiddie-toucher?

      • Meathamper

        de rigeur? Sounds foreign

    • An Asexual Ungulate

      Eight year olds, Dude. Eight year olds.

  • noodlesalad

    Of course he was pro-life. More guests for Neverland.

  • Boojum

    Michael Jackson's opposition to abortion was more a matter of protecting a wide array of choice in children, so you could say he was really pro-choice.

  • So where was this bitch to talk to Billy Jean? MJ might still be alive if that slut hadn't had his child.

    • glasspusher

      I loved Eddie Murphy's MJ impersonation on that:"You know, the song Billie Jean makes it sound like I got a girl pregnant. Well, nothing could be further from the truth!"

  • ph7

    I need some Propofol after reading those lyrics.

  • larrykat

    His spermz never hit anything but glass. So shut up.

  • Hera Sent Me

    Easy to understand. Abortions reduce a pedophile's pool of possible victims.

  • glasspusher

    I distinctly heard him say:"The chair is not my son"

    • anniegetyerfun

      I DID TOO. Seriously, the guy never met an initial consonant that he could enunciate clearly.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Right, the guy who got his dental hygienist preggers by maybe or maybe not having to touch her lady parts, so he could have a kid to name Blanket, needs to tell me all about how sacred reproduction is.

    I hated him for the mamasaymamasahmumacusa of it all already.

    • prommie

      That was wrong what he did to Soul Macassa there.

      But really isn't this the least fap-worthy post ever I think on Wonkette? Michael Fucking Jackson? The World's On Fire, the eastern world, it is exploding, even the Jordan River's got body's floating, and Wonkette needs to tell me like it matters a fuck, that some dead freaky dude sang something about abortion?

      I mean like whats next? Someone gonna discover that Ben Folds got quasi famous so he can write TV commercial themes now from a song about abortion?

      • Yes! Those who depend on Wonkette for vital world news have been done a gigantic disservice this 15 minutes of the day!

        • FakaktaSouth

          HEY! It takes WAY more than 15 minutes for me to play on this thing. I mean WAAAAY More. Like, need to get a fucking life. That's why, unlike prom, I am glad to know a little bit of everything. I mean, IS Ben Folds doing that? I can't just be googling everything.

          • prommie

            You ARE getting a life, ready or not. And I like to absorb knowledge same as you and number 2 Knowledge Absorber. Just, you know, there being limited time in life, Michael Jackson info is at the bottom of my bucket list. The very bottom. I have a lot of repeats on the list before I get to needing to know any more about MJ.

        • prommie

          This is my only source for ALL information, Chet.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            You'd be no worse off.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        It might bring out the Shake n' Bake Fetus Mix jokes, so there is an upside.

      • You fap to dead bodies in the Jordan?

        I mean, unless you're going to tell me Lindsay Lohan drove off a bridge naked, I'm having a hard time getting erect here.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Hey crank, it's thematic you know. ABORTION and singers of songs about mice and knowing the alphabet (I like the Jackson 5, I just do)? you know, important shit? I don't WANT to talk about the world exploding right now really, I want to see more naked Mitt pictures on Gawker? (I DO NOT want to see that.)

        • prommie

          Yeah but Mobutu does do fact-filled stream of angry consciousness in that way we like, no?

          • FakaktaSouth

            It was very well written yes, the picture just made me nauseated for some reason. Just, gross.

          • prommie

            For good reason. Too gross. The possibility of that evil fuck getting elected, and for all the total incompetence of his campaign and his evident complete shitstickitude the corporate media and the GOP voter suppression is gonna make it close, that is the real reason I went with "Eve of Destruction," he would actually be worse than W I do beleive that and W was a stone fucking shitbag.

      • poorgradstudent

        Oh, come now, the Internet is an infinite feast. There's room enough for discussion on how American imperialism and neoliberalism is intertwined with the sociopolitical circumstances of the Middle East and things like my Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS versus Captain America fan fic.

        • prommie

          Its not as infinite as Infinite Jest.

    • No one ever talks about the possibility of entrapment.

      After all, he was probably a gas patient, so he was out cold on nitrous, and who can say if maybe she seized an opportunity, brought in a young boy to fluff him, then scooped up a little and deposited it for safe keeping?


      • thatsitfortheother1

        Doesn't rhyme very well, but otherwise the lyrics are better than his.

      • prommie

        You ever gonna tell me where I can get some ether? Someone's been quoting HST on the topic of ether binges and this fascinates me now.

    • glasspusher

      Like Dan Savage sarcastically sez: "Every child needs a mother and father", right before he links to another fucked up het relationship

  • Was MJ a Blah or a Wah?

  • CrunchyKnee


    • An Asexual Ungulate

      Ask your grandparents.

  • eggsacklywright

    OK, this is going straight into the pedo file.

    • You did, see I.

      • thatsitfortheother1


        • eggsacklywright


          • thatsitfortheother1

            Lotsa little spermz in that artwork!

          • eggsacklywright

            I thought your handle might indicate a Deadhead.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            That music touched home in the day.

            Now Old And In The Way resonates…

          • eggsacklywright

            Ain't that the truth.

  • MJ sounds a little flat.

    • Isyaignert

      weejee – You changed your avatar; it's cuter than a bug's butt!

  • This is good news for John McCain.

  • Todd Akin is correct: MJ's legitimate rapes would never result in pregnancy.

  • eggsacklywright

    MJ would issue a Blanket denial.

    • glasspusher


  • Just think: MJ is serenading Andrew Breitbart as we speak…DOWN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Hard to sing with your mouth full.

      Or so I've heard.

  • Remastering classic albums is akin to Speilberg and Lucas dicking around with their old movies. It makes them worse, not better.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think I'ma gonna boycott this guy.

    • kittensdontlie

      Here we go again….No Pepsi, Coke.

  • But but he said the kid is not my son?

  • thatsitfortheother1

    He should have covered The Lemon Song.

  • PsycWench

    I’d like to have my child

    Interesting choice of words there.

    • glasspusher

      …or disgusting. Care to make a diagnosis, PsycWench?

      • PsycWench

        Paging Dr. Freud…

    • …with french fries and a side of Dr Pepper, please.

    • poorgradstudent

      Yeah, a common thread with the male pro-lifers I've talked with is that they really idealize what pregnancy means, when in reality if they had to experience even just constant morning sickness they'd be the first in line to get an abortion.

      • An Asexual Ungulate

        I would refer them to this quote about giving birth – "You'll fart, pee, puke, and poop in front of ten complete strangers who'll be staring intently at your vagina — which, by the way, has an eighty percent chance of tearing!"

        Ah, the miracle of life! It's God's little way of saying "whoops, should've spent a little more time on engineering that birth canal… sorry".

        • LibertyLover

          Well, the fundies would argue that MAN was created in God's image. Woman was an afterthought. (kinda flies in the face of "intelligent design" though, doesn't it?)

  • fawkedifiknow

    I think those lyrics are the result of a brain malfunction.

  • sbj1964

    Micheal Jackson proved America is a great country.Look at him he was born a poor black boy,and died a rich white woman.Only in America!

    • Isyaignert

      Ain't it the truth. Like I said below, NFW are those three kids his – they're lily white!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hey, MJ was the biggest hyped POS in the history of American music…

    • One_who_wanders

      cough Justin Beiber cough

      • magic_titty

        Lady Gaga, Madonna…

      • Negropolis

        Hey, we'll take a lot of shit, but the Justine Beaver is a proud Canadian…who affects a black accent, the poor fool.

    • doloras

      MJ was a musical genius. Kraftwerk just gave up after listening to "Bille Jean". And he was stone-cold crazy and a kiddie-toucher. The two are not inconsistent.

  • freakishlywrong

    Michael Jackson?
    / I got nothin'.

    • I hold you blameless. It is still caffeinatin'o'clock at Mumbletydesk. Cause, they got us working day and night*, between slag work here and yard work yonder — who can remember the last time one gave a moment's thought to this icon's overanalyzed life and prolonged-hyped death?

      *(my personal fave)

  • I'mma let you finish, but Ben Folds' Brick is the best Pop Song About an Abortion of All Time.

    • Ode to Billie Joe libel!

      * very late term

  • magic_titty

    Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' on Thriller was about a couple's decision to not use a condom, so there was no need to double-down.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I liked the part where it ended.

    • eggsacklywright

      A laurel and hearty upfist to you, sir.

  • HarryButtle

    Yes, when I'm seeking moral guidance, Michael Jackson is the first person I look to.

  • Terry

    Michael Jackson's big solo comeback in the 80's was due to Quincy Jones guiding him into a combination of pop and R&B. Jackson's best dance albums (Off the Wall, Thriller, and Bad) were all with Quincy Jones. Then, of course, Jackson thinks he knows more about music than Jones and their collaboration ended. Michael's following albums did well, but never really touched the success of those three with Jones. Michael also got successively crazier, eventually turning into a space alien from the looks of it. He was a talented man who was significantly damaged as a kid who, as is typical, then acted out his damage and hurt other children.

    Those three albums with Jones though are great dance music, still.

    • Exactly. The mechanical New Jack funk of the '80s did not fit him well.

      And shut up, all you hipsters to cool for "Thriller." I remember in 1984, WXRT, Chicago's whitest of white hipster "fine rock" stations, had "Thriller" as #1 in its listener's poll of best albums of the year, even though they never played anything off the album that year.

      Michael was an incredibly talented kid from an incredibly talented and dysfunctional family. Perhaps if Joe hadn't beat the shit out of him to cultivate his musicianship, he wouldn't have grown up to be a weirdo and kiddie toucher.

    • Negropolis


  • Radiotherapy

    So that's what the glove was for!

  • DahBoner

    Is today Dangle a babby from a balcony like a pirate day?

    • Isyaignert

      Arrrrrrrgh!! Happy day after Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrrrrgh!!

  • chascates

    Suffer the little children to come unto Michael.

  • poorgradstudent

    Dammit, I have to add MJ to the list of writers and musicians I like whose histories I had to edit down. Now MJ only did "Thriller", like how Orson Scott Card only wrote "Ender's Game" and Francis Ford Coppola retired after "Tucker: The Man and His Dream."

    • bobbert

      Hey, don't throw out "Speaker For The Dead" with the baby.

  • CleverSobriquet

    Damn! And me fresh out of rat's asses.

  • White folks love to point and laugh at their beloved Jacko for whitening up, chiseling his face, lye-straightening and wig-wearing. I think some of them are perversely flattered by his neurotic obsession with looking like them.

    • BarackMyWorld

      The obvious counterpoint to this being the millions of white womenz who risk skin cancer by tanning. Not sure how we'd keep score, though. Number of people? Net worth? Number of dead bodies?

  • LibertyLover

    C'mon, MJ, having an abortion is just as easy as having a nose job (or two, or three, or four)…and It's so trendy.

  • Whatever the results of him releasing an abortion song at the end of the AIDS-denying Reagan years, his releasing a song about his honest sexual leanings ("the kid is not my son for I only stick it in men's orifices and vice versa") would assuredly have had worse consequences and therefore the theme of same sex attraction was apparently never even contemplated.

  • i would prefer more coverage of the Albigensian Crusade or the Guelfs and the Ghibellines to be honest.

    • eggsacklywright

      Or maybe a discussion of the Synod of Dort?

      • or the great vowel shift.

  • I may be the only one who doesn't like Thriller. (That's not entirely true; I like "Human Nature" and "P.Y.T.," but I can live without the rest.) As for Bad, holy shit, it was. That album did NOT age particularly well.

    Hey, did you guys know that the Romeo Void song "A Girl In Trouble (Is a Temporary Thing)" was a direct response to "Billie Jean"? It's also a better song, because of saxophones and those groovy synth drums.

  • alzronnie

    Why is Mikey tossing that baby–too young?

    • bobbert

      Throwing out the babby with the bathtowel.

  • StealthMuslin

    If only all the pro-lifers would follow Jacko's fine example, i.e. die.

  • ttommyunger

    Bad, oh yeah, he's bad. No, I really mean it literally.

  • Isyaignert

    There's no 'effin' way Michael Jackson is the father of those three kids. They had a white mom, but they're all lily white. That said, I really loved his music and remember exactly where I was when I saw him do the moonwalk for the first time.

    • Negropolis

      I never quite understand folk's obsession about whether or not they are his biological children, and I'm not sure if he ever really misrepresented the situation, himself. What's clear is that those children were the only father they ever knew, and that makes them his children.

  • Negropolis

    MJ was raised a supertitous (is there any other kind?) Jehovah's Witness, so you take a guess.

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