COULD USE MORE CHEECH TOO  1:55 pm September 19, 2012

Watch Mexican Mormons Complain About Being Murdered All The Time Constantly By The Cartels

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Dead pussyTime for your newest Vice video, Wonkers! There are four more before you are done forever. Which part will you whine about this time? (The hipster. You will whine about the hipster like you did in Part One and Part Two.)

Feels like this one could use some Titty Twister and/or Queen of the Dead, but it does move the plot forward.

[Vice]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 152 comments }

ChernobylSoup September 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

If I watch all seven of these do I get a Salma Hayeck?

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I think you get a set of "shot" glasses.

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm

The best binoculars ever.

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Apparently the "Titty Twister" is staffed entirely by vampires.

weejee September 19, 2012 at 2:07 pm

ftw. You get the booby prize Psyc!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

So, tits or GTFO?

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Damn Cheech Marin for making that the meet-up spot. Clooney almost got kilt.

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Yes, but watching Salma Hayek twirl her tassels every night more than makes up for eternal damnation.

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Well shouldn't they call in Zorro to defend them. Makes about as much sense as the rest of the bullshit they believe.

Baconzgood September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

The last one was disturbing. I'm not sure I wanna watch this.

sewollef September 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm

No bodies in this one… you're clear.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Needs more Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas and pastel suits.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Complete with Don Henley nauseating theme music?

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Jan Hammer.

Glenn Frye had that one hideous song

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Don't forget Phil Collins and his annoying gated percussion that plagued pop music for a decade.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Gah Collins sucks horribly; really all the mellow pop music of the 80s did.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

prommie comes over here and starts defending Phil Collins and we are gonna have to whoop him, you hear? Guy's got some weirdness about him.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 19, 2012 at 5:17 pm

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Damn you Phil Collins!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Isn't Titty Twister the new name for Chuli's, where Not Jenna Bush was arrested?

johnnymeatworth September 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

"Chuy's," the Barton Springs location. Not Jenna AND Not Barbara got busted there….
http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2001-05-3

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Those people ought to learn American and call it Chuli's

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Yer not from around here, is ya? Damn Yankees!

CrunchyKnee September 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Isn't today 'talk like a hipster day', or some such shit?

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

No, it be Talk Like A Pirate Day, boy-o.

Baconzgood September 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I was talking like a hipster before it was cool.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Dood…

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

BoatOfVelociraptors September 19, 2012 at 5:18 pm

A little too Ironic.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm

i was talking like a pirate before it was cool.

oh. wait…

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Righteous….

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I wish I was in
Tijuana
Eating barbecued iguana.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I'd take requests on the telephone

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Dog bless Stanard Ridgeway. He's still making tunes.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Just drive.

mrpuma2u September 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Can't understand just what did he say?

ifthethunderdontgetya September 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

O.K., ya got me.

I'm playing it.
~

MumbletyX September 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I still miss Kingpin. Might've been the last time I enjoyed network-provided — as well as controversial-content-launched and soon thereafter snuf'd out — television drama.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Ol' Jose "El Rikin" (what does that mean?) Escajeda, High-Ranking Boss of the Juarez Cartel, looks to be about 22 years old and also looks like he has a touch of the Down's-brush. I guess all the older cartelistas have slaughtered each other?

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Sorta looks like "Ol' Jerkin'" when your write it that way.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

What's worse than a tornado? – a TITTIE TWISTER!!!!!

I feel like I'm in 3rd grade again….

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

OUCH! I'm gonna tell the teacher.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Did you get a purple nurple?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Just leave my purple toupee alone.

AddHomonym September 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I remember the year I went to camp …

midnighttoker69 September 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I am totally digging these. I can't wait to see how he connects all this to Romney.

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Well, obviously, if people are getting hacked, Romney only cares about the percent of the remaining body that can vote for him.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That would be the 53%, right?

midnighttoker69 September 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

but since they are Mexican citizens, they can't vote … oh … wait … nevermind

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

So even our Mexican brethern despise Joseph Smith's brood?

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I think they call them Espalda Mojada.

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 4:33 pm

The priests weren't happy see the boys leave.

Misty Malarky September 19, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Chicken!!!1!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

That's stretching a point.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Wow, there are going to be some really pissed off fat white folks.

ph7 September 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Don;t worry – nothing soothes that rage like supersized portions of factory chicken boiled in grease.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Fag-lovers! That means they're gay!

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Good to know – I thought it meant they were secret, behind the garbage can, cigarette junkies….

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

I have a few relatives that are weeping in distress right now. The kind of distress caused when you find out that most people disagree with you.

Serolf_Divad September 19, 2012 at 3:46 pm

YES, beyotches! We won!

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I just changed my gravatar! Or tried to, I am so excited, its like going out in a fancy new outfit for the first time! Someone tell me it worked, I can't tell if it worked!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Is it an X ray of a broken fibia?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Tibia, my man! A nailed, fixed oblique fracture. Its my very own and I am very proud of it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Fucking obamacare. You should be forced to live gimpy for the rest of your life. And maybe get gangrene.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

In a Romney Amercia, he'd be staked out for vultures to peck at.

HistoriCat September 19, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Let him die!!!1!1!

prommie September 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

True story, when, in the hospital, I told them that yes, indeed, I had insurance, real live Blue Cross or whatever the name is now, a change came over the faces of all the hospital staff, and they all bowed to me as if the messiah had returned. Nothing that was demanded was denied thenceforth. But I am still trying to figure out whether they went with stainless or titanium, if I knew at the time, I would have insisted on titanium, doncha know.

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm

TIB FIB! CHEM PANEL! GSW! SUBDURAL HEMATOMA! BAG HIM! CLEAR!! Flyin' the gurney down the hall and smashing through doors, like Clooney and Julianna Margulies! I love playing doctor.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

It was fucking dramatic, you got the scene pretty close, except for all the cops taking my statement at the same time. And two liters of cold fucking saline because my blood pressure fell to shit and damn I got cold and just cried for blankets and morphine. And miss knowledge-absorber there just fascinated watching all the cutting and stitching going on.

TribecaMike September 20, 2012 at 1:30 am

Sleek.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I still think that looks like an album cover or super-villain leotard chest insignia. Nice legs.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:41 pm

yes, the insignia for my superhero alter-ego, The Hobbler! When the bad guys see me hobbling their way, they will know they have a few minutes to finish up before I get there!

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Wait, wouldn't that actually make you The Hobbled? Hobbler sounds like you would actually do this to someone else.
I still like Hopalong, or what about THE CANE! ? Like, in all caps, it's more crusher and less old guy. Maybe?
Just stick with the Colonel, it works.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

As you wish, General.

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I thought it was was one of those triple-blade razor do-hickeys.
(Gotta get my glasses changed!)

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

It did work. I can't think of abandoning Nipper.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Right? Killy, the Rapture-Avenging Cat, is like my alter ego. I could never swap him out.

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Though, for a small rehoming fee…………………

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 2:23 pm

You have just crushed all the dudes who were following you because they thought you were an '80s starlet.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:40 pm

I always got more dudes who knew damn well I was a dude, actually.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Haha, she's still a starlet on my computer; no change yet. *fapfapfap*

prommie September 19, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I think you can get "Up The Creek" on netflix on demand. She's the only female in the movie who does not show her tits. A classy lady, she is!

Steverino247 September 19, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Great! It doesn't make your ass look fat or anything!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Well, fatTER, you mean.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I'll have you know that you could bounce a quarter off my taut little buns. Well, not YOU per se, but it could be done. Well, at least before this period of incapacitation. Oh fuck, who am I kidding.

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I am of the age that if someone tried to bounce a quarter off my buns, it would break. Or, I'd break a hip.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Hipster!!

Redgyal September 19, 2012 at 6:58 pm

It worked.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

made it to 1:60.

Local telling the story….
"he [victims BIL] came over here, literally in sandals…."

Our hero….
"So he shows up barefoot….."

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

cacti…..

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

The Messicans don't like the LDS around because the self-righteousness is harshin' their buzz.

mrpuma2u September 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Even with a picture of a nudie bar, finding this hard to fap along with.

MoeDeLawn September 19, 2012 at 2:26 pm

not exactly it, but actually better, would be Ry Cooder's "Music" which has songs and soundtracks. There was one part where I thought it might be him, but it wasn't..

hagajim September 19, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I haven't had much to say today….and this doesn't help.

proudgrampa September 19, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I'm like you, Jim. I attribute it to exhaustion and sensory overload.

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm

To be in the LDS it helps if your on LSD.That way it does not seem as stupid.

MissTaken September 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Maybe the Mormon Mexicans should sew hoodies to their magical underroos to protect from beheadings.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Now the image of Mormons in their suits with hoodies has got me giggling.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

have we fried your very last nerve yet mom?

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Where are the cliff notes?

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

© William S. Burroughs

Antispandex September 19, 2012 at 3:40 pm

This is NEVER going to win an Emmy or anything, but it makes me want to have a couple of Pacificos and some carne asada tacos….not sure why.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 3:41 pm

"Which part will you whine about this time?"

I think I will whine about the part where it's been almost two hours since this was posted and no new posts.

MumbletyX September 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Maybe our Editrix has been taken hostage… by a piARRRRRRate!

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 3:52 pm

I know. I am shaking and sweating. Loud noise make me bolt. I am hearing voices. I can't handle this. I just can't. I won't.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I'm listening to Michael Jackson albums

OHGOD! PLEASE POST SOMETHING!!!!!!!

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I'm almost actually doing some work! Heaven help me!

MumbletyX September 19, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I can't view any videos here at work… I tried linking for a written description of this one… but the host page offers none, it doens't serve the imagination well.. kind of like reading a transcript of Jerky Boys' schtick instead of listening to the real thing.

MistaEko September 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Polygamous Sect vs. Cartels

Intrade is no longer taking bets on this contest.

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Any one have a fix for the script error thing? Do I need to talk to my network admin?

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I had that happen at my home computer last night and this morning. I'm not having any trouble with my work computer. I wonder wtf is up.

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Hmmmm. I didn't check the site at home. It is sure annoying here. Cutting down on my Wonkette productivity.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

At my job, I get a passel of exception errors because our firewall blocks TMZ.com. No explanation, and it's not like I can't get other popular entertainment-based sites. So I'm guessing at my end, the TMZ video of Eastwood is sort of creating anaphylactic shock in my firewall

Jus_Wonderin September 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Really weird.

commiegirl99 September 19, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Can you send a screenshot please, also browser etc?

Trinket September 19, 2012 at 4:02 pm

I like the hipster.

Katydid September 19, 2012 at 4:04 pm

NEEDZ MOAR BEHEADINGS!!!

MistaEko September 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Poison the Tequila, morans!

/Gus Fring'd

Misty Malarky September 19, 2012 at 4:10 pm

¡Ay, caramba!

Well, this clarifies Romney's doubling down on his asshat comments and that cold hard killer look in his eyes: he comes from a long line of expiación de sangre asesinos.

Oh, Mitty! Chu gots some 'splainin to do!

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm

We're all parasites now. And proud of it.

[Hey, didja know you can thumbs up yourself -- no, not in that way (yet), perv -- when not logged on? Sweet.]

An_Outhouse September 19, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Mormons are allowed to say "stupid shit"? I can't figure who is who. They all look like illegals to me.

Ansnarkist September 19, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Can I make a Breaking Bad joke?

No, I can't.

Redgyal September 19, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Just an observation, but I am willing to bet that these people didn't care much about the violence as long as it stayed outside of their community. Their anger is coming more from the fact that the someone dared to attack one of them than it does from the fact that innocent lives have been taken by evil men.

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Obviously they are part of the 47%, so who cares?

Designer_Rants September 19, 2012 at 8:22 pm

What's going on with that neon sign's face? Faceless isn't sexy, regardless of how swirly its rack is.

sailingthestyx September 19, 2012 at 9:33 pm

good video series…thanks; asshat comments make me want to refrain from Wonkette for stretches of time to get away from the high school kids…yeah, yeah; I know…if I don't like the comments don't read them…I keep hoping that Wonkette will wander back to where it was a while back…bring back Anna Marie Cox to spank the current crew. Too cute by half.

DahBoner September 20, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Apparently there's a Titty Twister bar in Thailand, too.

It's just a lot smaller.

//rimshot

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Who? Phil "Lemme me fax you my divorce request, baby" Collins or Prommie?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Drummers should never be allowed to sing.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Yes. Just, yes.
Phil is tiny and terrible though. Prom's just got some abhorrent musical taste, like Bongos and shit, but he does know a fuckload about the subject.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Someone stuck their finger in the president's ear, and just a few months later they came out with Johnson's wax!

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I saw Keith Moon (on youtubes, not at my house like I wish, obvs, even zombie Keith Moon) singing Barbra Ann the other day and he kicked ass, cause he was faking falsetto. He's really my only one though, except Octopus' Garden, Ringo kills me. So how about un-funny-taking themselves seriously drummers should not sing? I'll totally go along with that.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

KAREN CARPENTER LIBEL!!!!!!

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Henley's a-ight. So's Grohl. I might add, McCartney's current drummer sings backup vox as well.

delaney_blom September 19, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Levon Helm was not only allowed to sing, he had to sing "The Weight" and "Dixie Down" so it sounded more authentic.

commiegirl99 September 19, 2012 at 4:32 pm

LEVON HELM LIBEL!

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

I'll agree with you, but only because you can put your feet behind your head.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

You might not be surprised just how often I DO get my way like that.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Sorry, but unless you can put your feet behind your head I am going to have to disagree.

You too actor.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 5:06 pm

I forgot about Dave, now that he's a guitar guy mostly. But oh heck yeah he can shout sing beautifully.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I am Naked Squirrel. That is also my radio handle.
Over and out.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Phhht. With actual insurance you shoulda got the gold plated, diamond encrusted pin in your leg. Medical bling is the new thing that I just made up.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm

you can always ask the tsa.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Can I total a car to do it?

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 3:23 pm

So if I change my avatar to Gabby Douglas, you will be my willing lackey?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Holy shit does that mean what I think it means? Man thats too much.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

It means whatever you want it to mean. That's the beauty of it.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And a blow job. You should always get a blow job if you have insurance.

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I think I missed the original story (although I did see the NAILING VIDEO, thanks)…

So there was some sort of dramatic incident that led to this hobbling, not merely the degeneration and humiliation of age?

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

In honor of your new avatar, Mr. Tibs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGi-VHwJ8os

Both the bass and horn lines are INSANE.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Miss Knowledge-Absorbers one AND two were RAPT. It was, let's say, shockingly interesting. And you did not cry, come on now, you just whined some, and made fun of everyone and everything, and we got real good at being stared at and and having to be seen as the "WHO and WHAT and WHY" of it alllllll. Such is life.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 9:19 pm

We have us a great story, and if we could get through that, we are golden.

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