TWO MINUTES IN HEAVEN  1:15 pm September 19, 2012

Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election

by Jesse Taylor

i said i'm sorry, romney...i never meant to hurt yoooooou

Two days after everything changed because Mitt Romney made clear he really, truly does not care for 47% of America, conservative bloggers have finally found the key to saving Romney’s ass from the comments they also think are entirely, completely awesome: there are two minutes missing from the 49 minutes of otherwise unbroken, unedited video, which something something liberal media.

David Corn of Mother Jones released the “complete” audio and video of the secretly recorded Mitt Romney speech at a private fundraiser.

Yet the complete audio and video is not complete.  There is a gap in the recording immediately after Romney’s now famous discussion of the 47% of voters who don’t pay taxes.  The cut in the audio and video comes while Romney is in mid-sentence, so we actually do not have the full audio of what Romney said on the subject.

We must explore…the Mitt Split.

This is a liberal media travesty that must be answered, because the controversial answer, during which Romney clearly, cogently and concisely laid out why 47% of America is a festering pile of shit unworthy of being addressed except to scowl at them as they extreme coupon, was probably followed up by something that changes everything about the answer.

What do we think is in the missing two minutes? There are a few highly likely answers:

1) Mitt Romney encourages everyone to drop a couple of bucks on a “terrific new film” he heard about called Innocence of Muslims.

2) Spontaneous singalong of Bobby Brown’s “Humpin’ Along.”

3) Romney explains how to properly tap a vein for new heroin users.

4) Romney stops speaking, stands there awkwardly for two minutes, then mutters, “haha, fuck you, Mother Jones” and continues.

Quite obviously, though, we cannot address a single thing on this tape, which is the most consistent fifty minutes of Mitt Romney’s life, because he probably Romneyed during that two minutes and changed his mind. But then kept speaking for another 28 minutes, as he does. Oh, Mitt.

[Legal Insurrection]

 

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{ 226 comments }

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Nixon, back from the grave. Even he doesn't like Romney.

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

If two minutes of missing tape saved Nixon, it can save Romney too.

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Nixon didn't exactly get saved. He just thought that nobody would notice 18.5 minutes cut.

miss_grundy September 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Were the two minutes erased by Rosemary Woods or a member of her secretarial family?????

Dudleydidwrong September 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Now we know it was Rose Mary Woods who was taking the film. She always cuts out the best part.

Lot_49 September 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

He liked George Romney enough to make him a cabinet secretary, but hated him enough to never talk to him or listen to anything he said. That's our Nixon!

mormos September 19, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Romney november 6th: you bastards won't have Romney to kick around anymore!

HRH_Maddie September 19, 2012 at 1:18 pm

OT, but I stumbled upon this gem. If you need it a bumper sticker explained to you, Obama may not be the only Moron.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008CIXZX6/?tag=

HELisforHEL September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Those repugs–so clever!

SmutBoffin September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Bend over, here comes the change?

What does that even mean?

HRH_Maddie September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I think it's some kind of buttsechs joke. Now that's change I can believe in!

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Back when I was in the Navy, we had an acronym, BOHICA, which meant Bend Over Here It Comes Again. This was usually used in conjunction with having to work late or getting jobbed out of a liberty port due to operational constraints or something like that; i.e. bend over yer gonna get fucked. I guess it means that they want some black penis wiggled in their rectum.

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

As with many republicans it is a reference to their hidden desire to know the love that dare not speak its name in rethugilcan circles. Merely sought in secret in airport bathrooms and parks.

Steverino247 September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

See my review…

Callyson September 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Done, and yes it was helpful!

ETA: I just posted mine as well…

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I wonder if there will be any 2, 3, or 4-star reviews for this item. My guess is it'll be only 1s or 5s.

Designer_Rants September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

What about the "Swing Vote"? They just can't choose between Mormons or Morons on a whim! You gotta give them time to make up their mind [to stay at home and watch Honey Doo-Doo or whatever while finding out a few days later that they forgot it was 'Voting Day' last Tuesday].

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

I gave it a 4 star, but only for the lulz.

OKthennext September 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Your review was very helpful to me. And Amazon thanked me for my feedback.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Left over (and now re-purposed) from when Mitt and Rick Perry were frontrunning neck-and-neck in the Republican primary.

Callyson September 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I see at least one Wonketteer has left a comment…BRB…

finallyhappy September 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I did click that your review was helpful and Steverino's too

Steverino247 September 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Unfortunately, I was unable to add "Mitt Romney Can Go Fuck Himself" to my Wish List…

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Mormon, moron, what's the difference.

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I love Jane's observation that they misspelled "moran."

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

He said "Psych! Just kidding! I LOVE poor people!" during the missing time.

GunToting[Redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"Tastes like chicken!"

glasspusher September 19, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Republican: the other white meat.

Spurning Beer September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that 'secret camera' I mentioned to you on the way in this evening is on pause for just a couple of minutes. In case you are confused about all that hokum about 47 percent and dependency and entitlement and blah blah blah, let me reassure you that I have to say that stuff to keep the crazies on board. But we all know better than that. I mean, if I were sincere about all the ridiculous stuff I have to say, I'd be the last person in the world you'd want to be President. And it's the same for all of us. Christ, Michele Bachmann is just heartsick about having to pretend to be a bigoted imbecile, and Rick Santorum was just about giving himself a hernia during the debates trying not to laugh out loud. [laughter] Okay, let's get back in character. Start up the camera again, Maribel."

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"Why, some of my favorite servants are poor."

Not_So_Much September 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

It's probably only the part where Nixon tells Liddy not to tell him where the bodies are buried.

noodlesalad September 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

No biggie, Mittens' batteries just ran out and they had to rummage in the junk drawer until they found a couple of those weird 9-volt ones that all the old robots seem to need.

weejee September 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

The Energizer Rmoney?

noodlesalad September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

He keeps losing and losing and losing and losing and losing…

Antispandex September 19, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I was thinking more of a Steampunk Romney where they had to pause to throw some low sulphur, clean burning, environmentally safe, coal down his pants.

glasspusher September 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Anthracite LIBEL!

ChickTract_Fil_A September 19, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Crush.Kill.Destroy.Crush.Kill.Destroy. (It goes on like that for another 118 seconds).

noodlesalad September 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Someone forgot to program in the first law of robotics.

sudsmckenzie September 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I'm sure Mitt doesn't remember precisely what he said, but he will stand by it, whatever it was.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

At least until tomorrow.

PubOption September 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

But not if he didn't explain it well the first time.

Rosie_Scenario September 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Rosemary Woods libel!

weejee September 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Loved the erasing demo where she showed she had a greater toe to fingertip reach than Shaq.

ed. And she was able to hold that position for 18½ minutes. She musta taken lotsa yoga classes

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Mitt Romney his ownself, after being called out on this has SAID he spoke inelegantly – what else do you people want? He said he was SURE it would be fixed over the next couple of days though, so you know, wait a sec, he'll get this right.

Wait, no, I am sorry, but if you are so lame and stupid that you don't even know that you aren't supposed to TELL people to hang out til the Frank Luntz PR fixers in your campaign decide what YOU REALLY MEANT, you deserve to have your ass kicked.

And I bet the taper just went to the bathroom, and not hearing David Corn go pee-pee is also fine with me.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I has the genuine New Jersey polished manners. I never take the phone in the bathroom with me. See? Romance!

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

You're going to wear that Yankee/Southern manners debate out, aint'cha? I'm pretty sure it's just cause you gotta use two hands and crutches.

weejee September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Out here in Flannelsylvania we fed Miss Manners to the Orcas.

/ walks off burping and asking Mrs. weejee to pull his finger

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

I do most of my commenting from the toilet.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I can get a door, even on crutches!

PuckStopsHere September 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

If the videographer went to the bathroom, I'll bet it was to throw up.

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 3:02 pm

It took me years to get Mr. Fatale to at least mute the damn phone!

HogeyeGrex September 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

And I bet the taper just went to the bathroom

To be fair, after the "Poors Suck" part of the program, the taper probably had to puke like a stuffed Roman.

PeaceWithHonor September 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

He whacks off to a Shakira video

Stevola September 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Can't blame him for that. So, no.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Good lord me neither, I vote no also.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Whew, I sure am glad thats ok with you. OK, Salma Hayek and Shakira, who is a fucking genius, you know, mensa and shit! Whats with half-arab chicks from hispanic like places?

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

"Mitts Don't Try?"

Tequila Mockingbird September 19, 2012 at 1:21 pm

He just snorts cocaine during the missing minutes. No, really. He cuts more lines than a crippled kid at Disneyland.

Self-Uploader September 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Well if you can't have caffeine or alcohol you gotta do something to get through the day.

Tom September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

It's the part where he goes Gangnam Style?

finallyhappy September 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

yes, with Rafalca in the background!

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Having not watched TV in over a week, I don't even know how to pronounce that.

Crank_Tango September 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm
chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

So 49 minutes just isn't enough for some people?! For those Doubting Thomases there is every interview that Sir Melon Head has done since.

grandinquisitor September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Maybe that was the part of the meeting where the plutocrats sacrificed a small, innocent child.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

It's ok, it was a poor child.

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Dressed in a leech costume.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Speaking of which, I guess mistletoe is verboten at Xmas in the Romney household.

Barbara_ September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"The Mitt Split" 2 scoops of rich vanilla ice cream with swirls of raspberry ribbons of righteous class warfare rhetoric and totally bananas.

Rotundo_ September 19, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Perhaps a Mormon drink consisting of one ice cube in a shotglass with seltzer. Between a rock and a hard place.

ImForMitt! September 21, 2012 at 9:53 pm

It's surprisingly bitter, though.

DerrickWildcat September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

My Statement was taken out of context. Please release the entire speech so you will see that I'm even a bigger prick that you thought,

Sue4466 September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

"I mean, that's what I'd say if I was a completely opportunistic hypocritical douchebag" doesn't take two minutes to say. So, not buying it.

johnnyzhivago September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

It's the two minutes where Romney said he plans to buy every poor family in America a dancing pony.

Magic Sam September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

The #Missing2Min hashtag is full of win. Particularly amusing are the salvos from @RMoneyBadger

memzilla September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

It's actually a three-minute gap.

Hedley_Lamarr September 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Upfisted to lure others.

Self-Uploader September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I saw it coming. I knew where it would lead. Yet, I went like a lamb.

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I've watched it five times all the way through and there's no gap anywhere. Ha! Thought you could fool me. I may be a moron, but I'm no imbecile.

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Wait, Romboto ordered a code red, didn't he?

HistoriCat September 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

You don't want to know the truth …

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Maybe they forgot to hold the peach schnapps and Midori.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I don't know what those missing minutes looked like, but they probably sounded like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q-6H4xOUrs&bp

Dudleydidwrong September 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Now we know why Romney shaved his mustache. I'm glad someone found the tape. (Godwin's Law, like gravity, is still in effect, thank goodness.)

Mittens Howell, III September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Ah yes, the two minutes of Mitt sensuously licking caviar off his fingers while smacking his lips.

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

OT, but I thought you when Brooksy stole your name!

Mittens Howell, III September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

I'm a Maker, David Brooks is a Taker.

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm

OF you. I meant to say OF you.
And I like that yours has "III" at the end.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 3:50 pm

well i can't unread that.

neiltheblaze September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Mitt Romney just wants to hit the 47% with the cane that he twirls 'round his diamond-ring finger.

Dudleydidwrong September 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Hattie Carroll rises to accuse William Zantzinger Romney from the grave!

DemmeFatale September 19, 2012 at 3:08 pm

But twirling his cane always makes his monocle fall out!

SmutBoffin September 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

The lost two minutes:

"…and that is why they smoke menthols all the time. Anyway, as far as election-day strategy goes, the two dozen planeloads of puppies and kittens are being prepared as we speak for dissemination to the undecideds. That Kenyan will never know what hit him!"

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Will he deploy then out the cargo bay claiming he thought they could fly?

SmutBoffin September 19, 2012 at 4:58 pm

"As God is my witness…I thought cats always landed on their feet."

GunToting[Redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:24 pm

"Klaatu barada nikto!"

Steverino247 September 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Lock Martin Libel!!!!

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Rose Mary Woods has switched to the Democrat party?

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Jesus I am not going to admit how long it took me to notice what it was about how wrong "Democrat" Party looks. I hate that shit truly, you know that? Redneck-Orwellian-Fucking up how people say stuff so much it becomes normal even to someone who hates it? Because I HATE it.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Oh and then the illiterate mendacious fucks who have to tell some kind of lie with every fucking word out of the mouth decided to start calling the attorney general and surgeon general "General," because the ignorant pigfuckers don't know the word is an adjective in those titles, and not a title itself. Hated hated hated that. Solicitor-General Ted Olson is NOT A FUCKING GENERAL!

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:15 pm

But the Surgeon General is and has a prescribed 'uniform'.
"The Office of the Surgeon General, under the direction of the Surgeon General, oversees the operations of the 6,500-member Commissioned Corps of the U.S. Public Health Service and provides support for the Surgeon General in the accomplishment of her other duties. The Office is part of the Office of the Assistant Secretary for Health in the Office of the Secretary, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services." http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/about/history/index

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Man there is just something horribly horribly wrong about the whole idea of an orwellian redneck. Like a Mayberry Machiavellian. Man they are too fucking stupid for nuanced evil. They can't really much get past "ughh, me no like, me hit with stick" caveman thinking. Or not thinking.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:20 pm

That IS scary ain't it? I think coming up with a way to demean and besmirch and belittle a rival opponent in a way that changes fundamental lexicon is done more by the agenda-holders though – stick swingers are the ones that don't know the difference and vote against themselves, you know, so as to fuck up their whole lives without considering consequences by just being so god-damned stupid.

Also, I want to be a something-general. I haven't figured out yet what, but you know, just a general something when I grow up. Like, Hero-General or something.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Yurp, that shit started with Newt Shitface Gingrich circulating memos with lists of phrases to use, "bizarre" was a big one, they still do it, its no accident how often you hear "anti-colonialist" and "community organizer" and "euro-socialist" and all this dogwhistle code for "Black, and therefore Not Like We."

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I see you as more of a Generalissimo of something.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I'd be happy with Colonel Angus.

Boojum September 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Fakakta-General?

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

A lot can happen in 2 minutes, my friends.

docterry6973 September 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

That's how long my honeymoon lasted.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Wow — Romney's little leghumpers do rationalization pretty well. This is why the other 50 minutes of the tape are "out of context."

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"So how do you guys like my impression of an entitled narcissistic douchebag sociopath? Really no one could be that much of an asshole, but let's get back to the impression…"

DaveJ September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"Incidentally, I don't believe anything I've said in the previous 45 minutes."

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Two minutes? Potty break.

Yes, I know he's a robot, but to make him seem more human, his programming has him taking regular sips off a Pellegrino, and there's a bag or something in there that has to be emptied from a little hidden spigot behind his knee or something.

ph7 September 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Those were the two minutes Mitt spent staring at the poolside orgy.

DaSandman September 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Yikes! Spiked!

YouBetcha September 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'll summarize it for you: Rich old white dude telling other rich old white dudes that the poors smell bad. So basically, more of what you heard in the rest of the video. You're welcome, America.

Lucidamente1 September 19, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Of course, two minutes of Mitt seems like eighteen and a half minutes.

Come here a minute September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

One of the typers at Mother Jones leaned back in his chair and erased it.

SexySmurf September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's two minutes of the audience screaming "Goldstein!" over and over again.

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's so annoying. Like when you get a book from the library and somebody tore out one of the pages.

EatsBabyDingos September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It said "I…buried Paul."

Crank_Tango September 19, 2012 at 4:26 pm

…Ron Paul. it all makes perfect sense!

el_donaldo September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

2 missing minutes? That must have been when Mitt showed his Mexican side with a donkey show.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Maybe he :
told a joke.
released his tax returns
shared his oatmeal recipe

Pap Finn September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

When does Robert Bork fire Archibald Cox again?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You know Bork apparently still feels victimized because they kept him off the court. Imagine the lack of self-awareness! Nixon was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find someone as corrupt and evil as Bork that night.

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Look at the old fuker. Even in 1973 there were characterizations of Mephistopheles made up that look better than Bork.

comrad_darkness September 19, 2012 at 6:11 pm

The only good thing about bork is he likes watching people bork.

viennawoods13 September 19, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Swedish chefs?

skmind September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Time for O'Keefe to dress up in his pimp costume and begin the scavenger hunt.

Blunderthing September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Romney's campaign is essentially "CalvinBall". Look it up.

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:34 pm

No! After any two minute time out the rules change and you have to look it up.

GenderFenderBender September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

He dances an Irish jig in memory of Seamus.

sewollef September 19, 2012 at 1:30 pm

This is fun isn't it? I don't want it to stop.

I mean, I'm laughing so hard even my avatar is laughing.

EatsBabyDingos September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

He actually went into Dr Who/dalek mode, saying "Exterminate! Exterminate!"

James Michael Curley September 19, 2012 at 3:36 pm

After over 40 years I'm going to miss the Daleks. That's going to take one big plot device to get them back.

DaveJ September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

In the missing two minutes, Mitt revealed that not only are corporations people, but people he'd like to make tender, sweet, passionate love to. Missionary style, of course. But still hot.

PubOption September 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I'm assuming that would be Mormon missionary style.

LibrarianX September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Someone had the decency to edit out the sounds of some poor waiter being beaten?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Now say it, 'Chow-dah,' Frenchie!"

fatbob54 September 19, 2012 at 3:09 pm
MonkeyHamlet September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Attendees say at that point he started speaking in tongues…no really it was just the Messican his dad taught him to use with the help.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"…And won't that entitled victim culture that leeches off the hardworking Americans be shocked when we draft them all for the Iran invasion."

GuanoFaucet September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

That's when Mitttens led the crowd in a rousing chant of "Fuck you, I got mine!"

Dudleydidwrong September 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"We will, we will fuck you…
We will, we will fuck you."

Romney you're a boy make a big noise
Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
You got mud on yo' face
You big disgrace
Kickin' your can all over the place

Sue4466 September 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I refuse to go read those comments, but how are they explaining away the fact that Romney himself isn't saying he didn't say those things or that they're out of context and, instead, that he's actually saying "yep, just wish I used different words"? Ryan has also said that Romney just had poor word choices. But the ideas expressed, they're entirely behind them all the way.

Or am I expecting too much?

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

They don't understand that it's the underlying attitudes that are reprehensible, not just the words used; just like it was perfectly OK for Rush to think all women who use birth control are sluts, just not to actually call one of them a slut; some euphemism like "loose woman" would have been totally OK.

Native_of_SL_UT September 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

If only we had those two minutes we would be able to properly assert who is to blame for Mitt's devastating comments. Obama or the press.

BlueStateLibel September 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

He starts speaking in Klingon/the Black Speech/French?

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Stewardess! I speak Jive!

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm
mavenmaven September 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Whew, I was sure we were going to get rickrolled again.

Gleem McShineys September 19, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Perhaps Mitt actually sings to the audience, a live rickrolling.

viennawoods13 September 19, 2012 at 6:26 pm

As long as it isn't "Amercia the Beautiful"

ffredpalakon September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

"Wow, I'm really having a great time here. This reminds me of when I met this wonderful Cuban man, Manuel, charming, charming man, and we had anal sex for a solid three weeks. However, other than him, I just can't seem to stand black people. While I'm off-subject, you know that little movie that came out this summer, Prometheus? Well, I'll give you the full explanation for what was going on there right now…"

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

That video is like Cinematic Viagra.Mitt was so nasty in this it's the closes thing to a porn movie he has ever been in.

Jerri September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

He was just drinking some coffee. No big deal. Certainly not worthy of taping.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:43 pm

In the two minutes, he whipped out his dick, pissed on the waiters serving the party, and said "See, this is what you are entitled to. What are you going to do? You're poor!"

Monsieur_Grumpe September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

5) A really funny joke about firing people.

Callyson September 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

The two minutes that were erased consisted of the audience ROTFL over the idiocy of Mittens' comments.

barto September 19, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Well clearly this explains the whole thing. The whole rest of the speech was completely taken out of context, duh!

prommie September 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I already have, as you pointed out earlier.

MistaEko September 19, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I've seen it. He whips out a cassette tape and plays the 18 1/2 minutes of the Watergate tapes for everyone, just sped up 9.25 times. In an even more bizarre twist, Nixon talks with Haldemann about half of America being leeches.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Guess old David Corn is going to have to put his Emily Litella glasses on and say "Oh. Never mind."

Misty Malarky September 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

A Rafalca prancy dance routine?

owhatever September 19, 2012 at 1:52 pm

The wingnuts want even MORE of this tape to be published? Helly yes, do it. Mitt probably says something, like, "I will set up FEMA concentration camps for the Damocrats and slam their Kenyan god into Gitmo." Standing ovation.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Think MoJo has just set-up the wingers? Knowing that they'll freak and demand the 2 min.

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Bluffer Trap!

MistaEko September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"Hold your breath contest! GO!"

Not_Mother September 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The first intervention attempt.

MosesInvests September 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Obama u bagronk sha pushdug Democrat-glob bubhosh skai…."

Woodshedding September 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Slightly OT, but why aren't more ppl asking whence this "47%" figure? I googled it and it seems the IRS said 47% of households either paid no tax or got a net refund.

Doesn't that just mean that they'd had enough deducted to not pay more?

If they're looking at actual tax returns, and some paid no tax (and had no deductions,) that can only be managed by the very wealthy with their offshore havens and expensive slimy accountants.

Either way, Mother Jones is Hero of the Universe. But all the backlash saying he insulted half the population doesn't take into account that half the households are NOT on welfare… isn't that obvious?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Yeah, this is a horrendously underreported aspect of this. If you look at people who paid no income taxes AND paid no payroll taxes, which would be a more accurate measure of people not working, it's somthing like 18% of people fall into that category. But alot of those are students who are studying to become taxpayers or olds collecting untaxable social security benefits (fucking leechers), so the percentage is even less. But again you're at the same point you make…18% of people not paying any income or payroll tax does not necessarily mean that they are on government programs.

Woodshedding September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

And anyway, the morons who vote for Romney aren't going to ask, Am I included in that 47%? Is he insulting ME? No, they're going to feel vindicated that it's the Poors who have taken all their money, and vote for the moron/mormon just like they'd planned all along. .

johnnyzhivago September 19, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Anyone else see Mother Jones TRANSCRIPT – Where he says he would take advantage of a hostage crisis "if it arises"

BlueStateLibel September 19, 2012 at 7:44 pm

You're kidding me, got to check that out. So this is what it comes down, the Romneybot praying for a few innocent Americans to be taken hostage by hostile Iranians.

GregComlish September 19, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Mother Jones just removed the two minutes where the rich fat guy gets sucked off by a Russian whore.

M. Bouffant September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Wouldn't take two mins.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 2:09 pm

1) The reincarnation of Ronald Reagan endorsing Mittens
2) Mitt Bot malfunctions, spews jibberish for 2 minutes.
3) Mitt Bot sends out his scrambler waves to temporarily fry all electronics while he secretly tells the gathering of his plan to invade Iran because national security.
4) The party immediately and temporarily devolves into a naked hot tub affair.
5) Mittens discusses the contents of his tax returns from 2000-2010.

smitallica September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Dear everyone who will vote for Romney and is not a millionaire:

Listen to what the man says. I mean really LISTEN. Because THIS is what rich people think of you. This is how they talk about you when they don't think you can hear them, because they're in a place priced specifically to keep you out. They want your vote, but they fucking despise you. I mean, really, truly DESPISE you. Just think about that when you're in the booth.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Wait, I'm supposed to think when I vote?

BlueStateLibel September 19, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Well, the feelings mutual. I'll be thinking of them too when I press the button for Hopey. And at least I know that when I go out to eat, I don't have to worry about waiters spitting in my food.

mavenmaven September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

The recording didn't work because that's when the Angel Moroni appeared out of heaven, and annointed Romney and all his audience with holy oils and forgave them all their tax fraud.

OneYieldRegular September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Now that Richard Nixon has unimpeachably passed on, how about we subtract these two minutes from the missing 18 minutes of the Nixon tapes, and call it a day.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"Entitled government dependent poors are people too my friend."

Dudleydidwrong September 19, 2012 at 2:14 pm

The two minute gap esplaned:

"OK. Whip'em out. First one to come gets a second dessert. GO! (…just like those fun days at Boy Scout camp.")

MonkeyMotion September 19, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Go ahead — have your fun librul commie atheist abortionist sodomites:

James O'Keefe has uncovered the two-minute gap here: http://www.theonion.com/articles/obama-help-us-de

Now he just needs to do some editing…

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

"I empathize with these poors. I know what it's like to not pay any taxes and be dependent on government welfare, or as it's better known: tax loopholes."

superdave September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Stop! Hammer time!

anniegetyerfun September 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

You're missing the REAL headline that Rmoney and Drudge are pushing – Obama supported the redistribution of wealth in 1998! IT HAS GONE SO VIRAL*, YOU GUYS.
http://www.11alive.com/news/article/257402/40/Cli

*Has not gone viral.

BartStarrland September 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Duh. He watched the Kentucky Derby.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Not only are liberals now banned forever from mentioning this recording, they are also retroactively banned from ever criticizing James O'Keefe or Holy Saint Breitbart (Peace be upon him) again.

Seriously, these guys have a huge Rosemary Woody for this shit.

littlebigdaddy September 19, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Rosemary Woods libel!

Comrade Snowball September 19, 2012 at 2:57 pm

The saddest part of this Romney affair – the part that neither side seems to want to discuss is that the part of the 47% who don't pay Federal Income Tax, over 28% of our population pay payroll taxes but don't earn enough to have to pay income tax. Their wages are so shitty that Uncle Sam doesn't even want a part of that (except FICA and Medicare). That tells me there is something very bad going on in our country and gives me a big big sad.

Also, I wonder if Romney pays payroll tax at all since his income is not considered wages. Maybe that's why he didn't notice that the working poor still pay taxes.

Typodong3 September 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

My theory is that the author of the film is holding back those 2 minutes for release a couple weeks before the election.. something REALLY good.

CindynEncinitas September 19, 2012 at 3:06 pm

He couldn't be any more original than to roll out another Missing Tape gambit? Really? Fucking lazy space aliens should have sent him back from the mothership with a better explanation than that!

VeraSevera September 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I keep imagining Ann Romney giving us a tour of the Romney White House a la Jackie Kennedy…here's the lake we installed for our ski jets…here's the garage we installed for our cadillacs…here's the shoe closet…the President likes to spend time a lot of time here picking out which pair he's going to stick in his mouth next…

VeraSevera September 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

That missing piece is the part with the "context" Ann Romney is talking about. You know, the part where he explains that he's joking and, seriously, he wants to be a uniter not a divider….

cheetojeebus September 19, 2012 at 3:16 pm

He paraphrases his previous comments in Gungan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbrpqWkNqyo

ElPinche September 19, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Told a funny story on how he peed on an poor elderly female veteran on his way to exchange gold teeth from Holocaust victims for cash money at Bank of Amurka. (followed by a standing ovation).

mustangsavvy September 19, 2012 at 3:25 pm

How will this play out? Because there are 1 of 2 options for what happened during the Longest Two Minutes in the World:

1. Mitt says I'M TOTALLY KIDDING, EL OH EL, YOU GUYS!! I LOVES THE POORS!! and THEN continues to bash the 47% after we come back to air OR

2. Mitt says something even worse during the 2 Min Black Out, than he's already said.

So….conservatives and Team Mitt – which will it be?

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm

It can't be a bathroom break, per se, cuz robotz don't piss.

Maybe a 'wide stance' break???

HogeyeGrex September 19, 2012 at 3:27 pm

That's the two minutes where he makes a "Modest Proposal."

CindynEncinitas September 19, 2012 at 3:53 pm

He split for a couple of minutes to deliver some whore diamonds to me in my squalid hut brimming with crying babies while I lounged on my urine-soaked sofa watching "Wheel."

Comrade Wingtardd September 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

They cut that part out because he was cursing … it's this –

"What are you talking about? Talking about that sale you shot, that broad you're trying to screw and so forth … is everyone here? Fuck it I'm going anyway … let's talk about something important. This 47% – these 'people' – they're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? Do you hear me you fucking faggots? Do you see this watch? Do you see this watch? This watch costs more than your car. My wallet? It's the one that says RICH MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker."

and so on for like 10 minutes

magic_titty September 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Wait, they want the other two minutes released? Masochists are so…masochisty.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 4:08 pm

dr who fucking around with things again.

WIDTAP September 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Ok, if it's a gap, how do they know how long it is?

Citizen Kitteh September 19, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Obvious the missing two minutes is when someone came up and started talking to the person recording Mitt's speech, thus revealing the recordist's identity:
"Oh Ann, how are you? I'm so sorry about Rafalca! Gawd, yet another dinner & speech, huh? Well, just dream about how you'll redecorate the White House after you kick out that horrible Michelle! There's probably a Che poster in every room! Whoops, I have to go. Love to Mitts!"

fawkedifiknow September 19, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Is it where he is visited by the Angel Moroni?

Gleem McShineys September 19, 2012 at 4:40 pm

During the gap, Mitt admits his secret weapon for this election. "Darkies, negroidals, blahs, nears? Yes, I am talking about ni***rs! Seems people hate 'em! We can't lose, guys!"

Rotundo_ September 19, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Delightful and amazing. Being old, and well, rotund, I can only imagine. So imagine I shall, oh yes indeedly doo, I shall.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 5:01 pm

nothing that matters in the slightest.

Fox n Fiends September 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I bet it was two minutes of amazing economic recovery detail that we'll never get to hear about now since he was obviously silenced by the liberal media.

Boojum September 19, 2012 at 5:49 pm

You…can…???? Um…brb.

glamourdammerung September 19, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Veritas78 September 19, 2012 at 6:33 pm

They had two whole days and this is all they could come up with? Geez, sux to be them.

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 8:15 pm

How long does it take to change the batteries in a videocam and pee in the Coffeemaker? Two minutes.

lulzmonger September 19, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Over/under on the missing footage being the nastiest chunk of all?

AFAF

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 1:23 am

4) something about magic underpants gnomes and then profits and "there is no god but god and Joseph Smith is his only prophet!"

I bet it's the spot where we got Rick Rolled, and for that, I thank Mr. Corn.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

This is why we love you. (Thats the good "we," just for the record).

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Yes we do. We really really do.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Still Dead?

prommie September 19, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Nah, not like him, its just a more showy title, prancy like.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Aw, thanks guys!

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