two minutes in heaven

Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election

i said i'm sorry, romney...i never meant to hurt yoooooou

Two days after everything changed because Mitt Romney made clear he really, truly does not care for 47% of America, conservative bloggers have finally found the key to saving Romney’s ass from the comments they also think are entirely, completely awesome: there are two minutes missing from the 49 minutes of otherwise unbroken, unedited video, which something something liberal media.

David Corn of Mother Jones released the “complete” audio and video of the secretly recorded Mitt Romney speech at a private fundraiser.

Yet the complete audio and video is not complete.  There is a gap in the recording immediately after Romney’s now famous discussion of the 47% of voters who don’t pay taxes.  The cut in the audio and video comes while Romney is in mid-sentence, so we actually do not have the full audio of what Romney said on the subject.

We must explore…the Mitt Split.

This is a liberal media travesty that must be answered, because the controversial answer, during which Romney clearly, cogently and concisely laid out why 47% of America is a festering pile of shit unworthy of being addressed except to scowl at them as they extreme coupon, was probably followed up by something that changes everything about the answer.

What do we think is in the missing two minutes? There are a few highly likely answers:

1) Mitt Romney encourages everyone to drop a couple of bucks on a “terrific new film” he heard about called Innocence of Muslims.

2) Spontaneous singalong of Bobby Brown’s “Humpin’ Along.”

3) Romney explains how to properly tap a vein for new heroin users.

4) Romney stops speaking, stands there awkwardly for two minutes, then mutters, “haha, fuck you, Mother Jones” and continues.

Quite obviously, though, we cannot address a single thing on this tape, which is the most consistent fifty minutes of Mitt Romney’s life, because he probably Romneyed during that two minutes and changed his mind. But then kept speaking for another 28 minutes, as he does. Oh, Mitt.

[Legal Insurrection]

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    1. Lot_49

      He liked George Romney enough to make him a cabinet secretary, but hated him enough to never talk to him or listen to anything he said. That's our Nixon!

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Back when I was in the Navy, we had an acronym, BOHICA, which meant Bend Over Here It Comes Again. This was usually used in conjunction with having to work late or getting jobbed out of a liberty port due to operational constraints or something like that; i.e. bend over yer gonna get fucked. I guess it means that they want some black penis wiggled in their rectum.

      2. Beowoof

        As with many republicans it is a reference to their hidden desire to know the love that dare not speak its name in rethugilcan circles. Merely sought in secret in airport bathrooms and parks.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I wonder if there will be any 2, 3, or 4-star reviews for this item. My guess is it'll be only 1s or 5s.

        1. Designer_Rants

          What about the "Swing Vote"? They just can't choose between Mormons or Morons on a whim! You gotta give them time to make up their mind [to stay at home and watch Honey Doo-Doo or whatever while finding out a few days later that they forgot it was 'Voting Day' last Tuesday].

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Left over (and now re-purposed) from when Mitt and Rick Perry were frontrunning neck-and-neck in the Republican primary.

    1. Spurning Beer

      "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, that 'secret camera' I mentioned to you on the way in this evening is on pause for just a couple of minutes. In case you are confused about all that hokum about 47 percent and dependency and entitlement and blah blah blah, let me reassure you that I have to say that stuff to keep the crazies on board. But we all know better than that. I mean, if I were sincere about all the ridiculous stuff I have to say, I'd be the last person in the world you'd want to be President. And it's the same for all of us. Christ, Michele Bachmann is just heartsick about having to pretend to be a bigoted imbecile, and Rick Santorum was just about giving himself a hernia during the debates trying not to laugh out loud. [laughter] Okay, let's get back in character. Start up the camera again, Maribel."

  1. noodlesalad

    No biggie, Mittens' batteries just ran out and they had to rummage in the junk drawer until they found a couple of those weird 9-volt ones that all the old robots seem to need.

    1. Antispandex

      I was thinking more of a Steampunk Romney where they had to pause to throw some low sulphur, clean burning, environmentally safe, coal down his pants.

  2. FakaktaSouth

    Mitt Romney his ownself, after being called out on this has SAID he spoke inelegantly – what else do you people want? He said he was SURE it would be fixed over the next couple of days though, so you know, wait a sec, he'll get this right.

    Wait, no, I am sorry, but if you are so lame and stupid that you don't even know that you aren't supposed to TELL people to hang out til the Frank Luntz PR fixers in your campaign decide what YOU REALLY MEANT, you deserve to have your ass kicked.

    And I bet the taper just went to the bathroom, and not hearing David Corn go pee-pee is also fine with me.

    1. prommie

      I has the genuine New Jersey polished manners. I never take the phone in the bathroom with me. See? Romance!

      1. FakaktaSouth

        You're going to wear that Yankee/Southern manners debate out, aint'cha? I'm pretty sure it's just cause you gotta use two hands and crutches.

    2. HogeyeGrex

      And I bet the taper just went to the bathroom

      To be fair, after the "Poors Suck" part of the program, the taper probably had to puke like a stuffed Roman.

        1. prommie

          Whew, I sure am glad thats ok with you. OK, Salma Hayek and Shakira, who is a fucking genius, you know, mensa and shit! Whats with half-arab chicks from hispanic like places?

  3. Tequila Mockingbird

    He just snorts cocaine during the missing minutes. No, really. He cuts more lines than a crippled kid at Disneyland.

  4. chicken_thief

    So 49 minutes just isn't enough for some people?! For those Doubting Thomases there is every interview that Sir Melon Head has done since.

  5. Barbara_

    "The Mitt Split" 2 scoops of rich vanilla ice cream with swirls of raspberry ribbons of righteous class warfare rhetoric and totally bananas.

    1. Rotundo_

      Perhaps a Mormon drink consisting of one ice cube in a shotglass with seltzer. Between a rock and a hard place.

  6. Sue4466

    "I mean, that's what I'd say if I was a completely opportunistic hypocritical douchebag" doesn't take two minutes to say. So, not buying it.

    1. Yellerdawg

      I've watched it five times all the way through and there's no gap anywhere. Ha! Thought you could fool me. I may be a moron, but I'm no imbecile.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Now we know why Romney shaved his mustache. I'm glad someone found the tape. (Godwin's Law, like gravity, is still in effect, thank goodness.)

  7. Mittens Howell, III

    Ah yes, the two minutes of Mitt sensuously licking caviar off his fingers while smacking his lips.

  8. SmutBoffin

    The lost two minutes:

    "…and that is why they smoke menthols all the time. Anyway, as far as election-day strategy goes, the two dozen planeloads of puppies and kittens are being prepared as we speak for dissemination to the undecideds. That Kenyan will never know what hit him!"

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Jesus I am not going to admit how long it took me to notice what it was about how wrong "Democrat" Party looks. I hate that shit truly, you know that? Redneck-Orwellian-Fucking up how people say stuff so much it becomes normal even to someone who hates it? Because I HATE it.

      1. prommie

        Oh and then the illiterate mendacious fucks who have to tell some kind of lie with every fucking word out of the mouth decided to start calling the attorney general and surgeon general "General," because the ignorant pigfuckers don't know the word is an adjective in those titles, and not a title itself. Hated hated hated that. Solicitor-General Ted Olson is NOT A FUCKING GENERAL!

        1. James Michael Curley

          But the Surgeon General is and has a prescribed 'uniform'.
          "The Office of the Surgeon General, under the direction of the Surgeon General, oversees the operations of the 6,500-member Commissioned Corps of the U.S. Public Health Service and provides support for the Surgeon General in the accomplishment of her other duties. The Office is part of the Office of the Assistant Secretary for Health in the Office of the Secretary, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services."

      2. prommie

        Man there is just something horribly horribly wrong about the whole idea of an orwellian redneck. Like a Mayberry Machiavellian. Man they are too fucking stupid for nuanced evil. They can't really much get past "ughh, me no like, me hit with stick" caveman thinking. Or not thinking.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          That IS scary ain't it? I think coming up with a way to demean and besmirch and belittle a rival opponent in a way that changes fundamental lexicon is done more by the agenda-holders though – stick swingers are the ones that don't know the difference and vote against themselves, you know, so as to fuck up their whole lives without considering consequences by just being so god-damned stupid.

          Also, I want to be a something-general. I haven't figured out yet what, but you know, just a general something when I grow up. Like, Hero-General or something.

          1. prommie

            Yurp, that shit started with Newt Shitface Gingrich circulating memos with lists of phrases to use, "bizarre" was a big one, they still do it, its no accident how often you hear "anti-colonialist" and "community organizer" and "euro-socialist" and all this dogwhistle code for "Black, and therefore Not Like We."

  9. SorosBot

    "So how do you guys like my impression of an entitled narcissistic douchebag sociopath? Really no one could be that much of an asshole, but let's get back to the impression…"

  10. Lascauxcaveman

    Two minutes? Potty break.

    Yes, I know he's a robot, but to make him seem more human, his programming has him taking regular sips off a Pellegrino, and there's a bag or something in there that has to be emptied from a little hidden spigot behind his knee or something.

  11. YouBetcha

    I'll summarize it for you: Rich old white dude telling other rich old white dudes that the poors smell bad. So basically, more of what you heard in the rest of the video. You're welcome, America.

    1. prommie

      You know Bork apparently still feels victimized because they kept him off the court. Imagine the lack of self-awareness! Nixon was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find someone as corrupt and evil as Bork that night.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Look at the old fuker. Even in 1973 there were characterizations of Mephistopheles made up that look better than Bork.

    1. James Michael Curley

      After over 40 years I'm going to miss the Daleks. That's going to take one big plot device to get them back.

  12. DaveJ

    In the missing two minutes, Mitt revealed that not only are corporations people, but people he'd like to make tender, sweet, passionate love to. Missionary style, of course. But still hot.

  13. MonkeyHamlet

    Attendees say at that point he started speaking in tongues…no really it was just the Messican his dad taught him to use with the help.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "We will, we will fuck you…
      We will, we will fuck you."

      Romney you're a boy make a big noise
      Playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day
      You got mud on yo' face
      You big disgrace
      Kickin' your can all over the place

  14. Sue4466

    I refuse to go read those comments, but how are they explaining away the fact that Romney himself isn't saying he didn't say those things or that they're out of context and, instead, that he's actually saying "yep, just wish I used different words"? Ryan has also said that Romney just had poor word choices. But the ideas expressed, they're entirely behind them all the way.

    Or am I expecting too much?

    1. SorosBot

      They don't understand that it's the underlying attitudes that are reprehensible, not just the words used; just like it was perfectly OK for Rush to think all women who use birth control are sluts, just not to actually call one of them a slut; some euphemism like "loose woman" would have been totally OK.

  15. Native_of_SL_UT

    If only we had those two minutes we would be able to properly assert who is to blame for Mitt's devastating comments. Obama or the press.

  16. ffredpalakon

    "Wow, I'm really having a great time here. This reminds me of when I met this wonderful Cuban man, Manuel, charming, charming man, and we had anal sex for a solid three weeks. However, other than him, I just can't seem to stand black people. While I'm off-subject, you know that little movie that came out this summer, Prometheus? Well, I'll give you the full explanation for what was going on there right now…"

  17. sbj1964

    That video is like Cinematic Viagra.Mitt was so nasty in this it's the closes thing to a porn movie he has ever been in.

  18. barto

    Well clearly this explains the whole thing. The whole rest of the speech was completely taken out of context, duh!

  19. MistaEko

    I've seen it. He whips out a cassette tape and plays the 18 1/2 minutes of the Watergate tapes for everyone, just sped up 9.25 times. In an even more bizarre twist, Nixon talks with Haldemann about half of America being leeches.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess old David Corn is going to have to put his Emily Litella glasses on and say "Oh. Never mind."

  21. owhatever

    The wingnuts want even MORE of this tape to be published? Helly yes, do it. Mitt probably says something, like, "I will set up FEMA concentration camps for the Damocrats and slam their Kenyan god into Gitmo." Standing ovation.

  22. Woodshedding

    Slightly OT, but why aren't more ppl asking whence this "47%" figure? I googled it and it seems the IRS said 47% of households either paid no tax or got a net refund.

    Doesn't that just mean that they'd had enough deducted to not pay more?

    If they're looking at actual tax returns, and some paid no tax (and had no deductions,) that can only be managed by the very wealthy with their offshore havens and expensive slimy accountants.

    Either way, Mother Jones is Hero of the Universe. But all the backlash saying he insulted half the population doesn't take into account that half the households are NOT on welfare… isn't that obvious?

    1. PinkoPopulist

      Yeah, this is a horrendously underreported aspect of this. If you look at people who paid no income taxes AND paid no payroll taxes, which would be a more accurate measure of people not working, it's somthing like 18% of people fall into that category. But alot of those are students who are studying to become taxpayers or olds collecting untaxable social security benefits (fucking leechers), so the percentage is even less. But again you're at the same point you make…18% of people not paying any income or payroll tax does not necessarily mean that they are on government programs.

  23. Woodshedding

    And anyway, the morons who vote for Romney aren't going to ask, Am I included in that 47%? Is he insulting ME? No, they're going to feel vindicated that it's the Poors who have taken all their money, and vote for the moron/mormon just like they'd planned all along. .

    1. BlueStateLibel

      You're kidding me, got to check that out. So this is what it comes down, the Romneybot praying for a few innocent Americans to be taken hostage by hostile Iranians.

  24. PinkoPopulist

    1) The reincarnation of Ronald Reagan endorsing Mittens
    2) Mitt Bot malfunctions, spews jibberish for 2 minutes.
    3) Mitt Bot sends out his scrambler waves to temporarily fry all electronics while he secretly tells the gathering of his plan to invade Iran because national security.
    4) The party immediately and temporarily devolves into a naked hot tub affair.
    5) Mittens discusses the contents of his tax returns from 2000-2010.

  25. smitallica

    Dear everyone who will vote for Romney and is not a millionaire:

    Listen to what the man says. I mean really LISTEN. Because THIS is what rich people think of you. This is how they talk about you when they don't think you can hear them, because they're in a place priced specifically to keep you out. They want your vote, but they fucking despise you. I mean, really, truly DESPISE you. Just think about that when you're in the booth.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Well, the feelings mutual. I'll be thinking of them too when I press the button for Hopey. And at least I know that when I go out to eat, I don't have to worry about waiters spitting in my food.

  26. mavenmaven

    The recording didn't work because that's when the Angel Moroni appeared out of heaven, and annointed Romney and all his audience with holy oils and forgave them all their tax fraud.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    Now that Richard Nixon has unimpeachably passed on, how about we subtract these two minutes from the missing 18 minutes of the Nixon tapes, and call it a day.

  28. Dudleydidwrong

    The two minute gap esplaned:

    "OK. Whip'em out. First one to come gets a second dessert. GO! (…just like those fun days at Boy Scout camp.")

  29. PinkoPopulist

    "I empathize with these poors. I know what it's like to not pay any taxes and be dependent on government welfare, or as it's better known: tax loopholes."

  30. Doktor Zoom

    Not only are liberals now banned forever from mentioning this recording, they are also retroactively banned from ever criticizing James O'Keefe or Holy Saint Breitbart (Peace be upon him) again.

    Seriously, these guys have a huge Rosemary Woody for this shit.

  31. Comrade Snowball

    The saddest part of this Romney affair – the part that neither side seems to want to discuss is that the part of the 47% who don't pay Federal Income Tax, over 28% of our population pay payroll taxes but don't earn enough to have to pay income tax. Their wages are so shitty that Uncle Sam doesn't even want a part of that (except FICA and Medicare). That tells me there is something very bad going on in our country and gives me a big big sad.

    Also, I wonder if Romney pays payroll tax at all since his income is not considered wages. Maybe that's why he didn't notice that the working poor still pay taxes.

  32. Typodong3

    My theory is that the author of the film is holding back those 2 minutes for release a couple weeks before the election.. something REALLY good.

  33. CindynEncinitas

    He couldn't be any more original than to roll out another Missing Tape gambit? Really? Fucking lazy space aliens should have sent him back from the mothership with a better explanation than that!

  34. VeraSevera

    I keep imagining Ann Romney giving us a tour of the Romney White House a la Jackie Kennedy…here's the lake we installed for our ski jets…here's the garage we installed for our cadillacs…here's the shoe closet…the President likes to spend time a lot of time here picking out which pair he's going to stick in his mouth next…

  35. VeraSevera

    That missing piece is the part with the "context" Ann Romney is talking about. You know, the part where he explains that he's joking and, seriously, he wants to be a uniter not a divider….

  36. ElPinche

    Told a funny story on how he peed on an poor elderly female veteran on his way to exchange gold teeth from Holocaust victims for cash money at Bank of Amurka. (followed by a standing ovation).

  37. mustangsavvy

    How will this play out? Because there are 1 of 2 options for what happened during the Longest Two Minutes in the World:

    1. Mitt says I'M TOTALLY KIDDING, EL OH EL, YOU GUYS!! I LOVES THE POORS!! and THEN continues to bash the 47% after we come back to air OR

    2. Mitt says something even worse during the 2 Min Black Out, than he's already said.

    So….conservatives and Team Mitt – which will it be?

  38. CindynEncinitas

    He split for a couple of minutes to deliver some whore diamonds to me in my squalid hut brimming with crying babies while I lounged on my urine-soaked sofa watching "Wheel."

  39. Comrade Wingtardd

    They cut that part out because he was cursing … it's this –

    "What are you talking about? Talking about that sale you shot, that broad you're trying to screw and so forth … is everyone here? Fuck it I'm going anyway … let's talk about something important. This 47% – these 'people' – they're sitting out there waiting to give you their money. Are you going to take it? Are you man enough to take it? Do you hear me you fucking faggots? Do you see this watch? Do you see this watch? This watch costs more than your car. My wallet? It's the one that says RICH MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker."

    and so on for like 10 minutes

  40. Citizen Kitteh

    Obvious the missing two minutes is when someone came up and started talking to the person recording Mitt's speech, thus revealing the recordist's identity:
    "Oh Ann, how are you? I'm so sorry about Rafalca! Gawd, yet another dinner & speech, huh? Well, just dream about how you'll redecorate the White House after you kick out that horrible Michelle! There's probably a Che poster in every room! Whoops, I have to go. Love to Mitts!"

  41. Gleem McShineys

    During the gap, Mitt admits his secret weapon for this election. "Darkies, negroidals, blahs, nears? Yes, I am talking about ni***rs! Seems people hate 'em! We can't lose, guys!"

  42. Rotundo_

    Delightful and amazing. Being old, and well, rotund, I can only imagine. So imagine I shall, oh yes indeedly doo, I shall.

  43. Fox n Fiends

    I bet it was two minutes of amazing economic recovery detail that we'll never get to hear about now since he was obviously silenced by the liberal media.

  44. Negropolis

    4) something about magic underpants gnomes and then profits and "there is no god but god and Joseph Smith is his only prophet!"

    I bet it's the spot where we got Rick Rolled, and for that, I thank Mr. Corn.

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