sadz

Mitt Romney Stared Into the Abyss


It welled up inside him, this tinny emotion. (They had built “emotions” into him, so he would be the perfect robot son for a childless human mother, but they had fucked it up, the circuits or whatever were switched.) She had gone, and he was alone for eternity. And what erupted in his switched circuits or whatever in his infinite sadness was “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.” They didn’t even get the laugh right, because all the engineers were on some awesome Future Drug like in Philip K. Dick or whatever, and they could only see in fractals.

[DissociativePress]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • nounverb911

    "Hey Abyss!"
    –Lou Costello

    • Terry

      How's the wife and kids?

      • elviouslyqueer

        THIRD BASE.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Susquehana Hat

          • nounverb911

            Niagara Falls?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            NI-agara Falls!

            Slowly I turned…..

    • tessiee
  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Are we serializing this, Editrix?

    • noodlesalad

      Do they finally get to the boinking in part 3?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Unless there are sparkly vampires about to show up, I sure think so

        • noodlesalad

          Sheldon Adelson may appear in the Romney Diaries III, a vampire, yes, but not sparkly.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That movie really disappointed me.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Maybe if Michael Bay can do a quick edit…

      • BaldarTFlagass

        James Cameron would probably object.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Oh, you meant the actual "The Abyss"?

          Oh, yea. That could have been much better. It was never sure if it wanted to be a horror film or "ET Meets The Deep Blue Sea"

      • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

        James O'Keefe couldn't fix that crap

    • chicken_thief

      Bad as a Sam Bacile movie?

  • missemish

    Wonkette has maybe mistaken the antifreeze for fruit punch…. cheers!

  • CrunchyKnee

    If by "jokester", you mean a "spiteful entitled dick", then sure, I buy that.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    *sigh*

    How I remember that innocent moment when Mitt attempted to exchange long protein strands with Rick Perry's shoulder under the guise of "a bet".

    • tessiee

      The craigslist personals are just full of surprises, aren't they?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The Abyss. Is that what Mitt calls Ann's lady parts?

  • sudsmckenzie

    He stared into the abyss, and saw a blah President staring back.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I made it to about 1:20. This guy is even more contrived than W was. He's like that dickhead lieutenant Bruno Kirby played in Good Morning Vietnam. "I know funny!"

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Now I haz a sad for Bruno.

    • HogeyeGrex

      I made it to 3:12 and now I just want to void my bowels.

      How did this guy even manage to win the primary? Christ, what an absurdly contrived douche. Everything about him screams "asshole." He's just one giant, head-to-toe sphincter.

      Good Lord, the debates are going to be a bloodbath.

  • ph7

    Sock it to me!

    • commiegirl99

      Sock it … to ME?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        (Ruth Buzzi assaults Mittens with her purse)

    • SorosBot

      And while Nixon softened his image with the Laugh-In appearance, Romney said he will not cameo on Saturday Night Live like every other recent Presidential nominee.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        What in blazes would you know about Laugh-In?!

        • SorosBot

          I'm a total Nixon & Watergate history buff.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Dressing up as a Cuban and reenacting the break-in and the whole nine yards? D.C. scavenger hunts dressed as Woodward or Bernstein?

  • PinkoPopulist

    So just general conservative fan fic?

  • Sue4466

    Well, sure, when you put all together like that, he looks like a humorless smug socially awkward tool.

  • smashedinhat

    The MittenBot 2012 v.xxx is actually just the CartridgeBot with a cheap coat of paint, forever peeling. Actually he's more like a boat anchor, but whatever.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    This is what you get when you pay people to say you're funny.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Funny how? Funny like a clown?

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        I don't know. I don't think anybody knows, actually.

      • eggsacklywright

        Not funny ha-ha. Funny peculiar.

    • Exhausted66

      Weird how someone who's only ever been the boss has a skewed sense of his own senso of humor. "Everybody laughs, I must be hilarious."

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh, I can totally get how that happens. My boss tells some of the worst jokes and I have to smile and chuckle, and then after the meeting, I go puke my guts out because I feel so self-defeated.

        • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

          I just smile painfully.

          It might explain why I rarely get promoted.

          • HistoriCat

            If you can learn to lie well and say, "that's a great idea boss!" you will go far.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            This explains my corporate stagnation.

      • tessiee

        That worked real well for Mr. Burns' investments in the stock market.

      • NellCote71

        My boss keeps saying that he has such a dry sense of humor that most people don't get it.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. "My" people avoiding taxes in the Cayman Islands. I watched Ferraris glitter in the dark in my car elevator. All those moments will be lost in time… like dog diarrhea in wind… Time to Derp.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      The video was released… and a hundred Republican candidates and pundits came out… and they ate him.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        The derp that burns twice as bright burns for half as long

    • CarnyTrash

      The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that, Mitt?

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        "LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MOTHER???!!!????"

      • tessiee

        Because he doesn't want to make the tortoise dependent on outside help.

        • CarnyTrash

          Do tortoise have boot-straps?

          • eggsacklywright

            Only when the hare is closing in.

      • superdave

        God I love a good Voight-Kampff reference. #IMAHUGEFUCKINGNERD

    • ttommyunger

      "That Hurt!"

    • GeorgiaBurning

      All that programming wasted; Mittens still can't get too far into the Voight-Kampff test

    • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

      YAY!

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Is this the latest Hipster in Mexico video?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    GET TO THE SEXY PART ALREADY!

    • DaveJ

      Sorry, you already had a chance with Walnuts in 2008, and you BLEW it!

  • PinkoPopulist

    Where does the "abyss" fall in the Book of Mormon? Is that after the magic underwear and before the temple of doom?

    • eggsacklywright

      The gold-plated Joseph spake unto the Great Salt Lake Snakes. And then the spiders came.

  • StarsUponThars

    Mitt is funny! I've been laughing my ass off all week.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Pull my finger. Ha ha.

  • Sue4466

    Betcha he's gone beyond "gosh" and "golly" this week.

    • GeorgiaMike

      Godfrey Daniels!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Rumour has it a "gosh darn" slipped out.

    • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

      Heavens to Mergatroid!

    • tessiee

      Oh, fudge.

      [I don't think he's allowed to say p**p]

    • eggsacklywright

      Gol' dang, consarn wiggits.

    • Graham Cracker

      Watch your mouths! This is a family (values) blog.

    • bobbert

      Great Caesar's Balls Ghost!!

  • sbj1964

    Tears of a clown.Mitt likes to hold his ear up to Ann's ear says he can hear the ocean.

  • Doktor Zoom

    JESUS CHRIST THAT LAUGH!!!!!!!

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    In Salt Lake City no one can hear you scream.

  • memzilla

    rMoney's gaffes are "just the right size."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think Mitt has been cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.

    • Chichikovovich

      He flip-flopped on the "What is your favorite color" question.

      • bobbert

        Which is weird, because you'd think he could answer "Gold" with no trouble.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyX

    You know who else "stared into an abyss"?

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      Laura Bush?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I know David Lee Roth did. There he stood, and looked down. Ya know he lost a lot of friends there, baby. He's got no time to mess around.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ed Harris?

    • memzilla

      Gozer? No no no… I got it: Vigo The Carpathian?

    • OKthennext

      Gandalf?

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Peter Abelard? Oh no, wait — he stared into an abbess.

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyX

        Aw, Helloise no!

        • eggsacklywright

          Scritti Politti libel!

      • Chichikovovich

        It takes some balls to post that here.

    • SorosBot

      Nietzsche?

    • Not_Mother

      Bud Fox?

    • calliecallie

      James Cameron?

    • chicken_thief

      Glenn Rice?

    • SorosBot

      Boba Fett?

    • cheetojeebus

      Wile E. Coyote

    • tessiee
    • PinkoPopulist

      Joseph Smith?

      • bobbert

        No, he stared into his hat.

    • eggsacklywright

      Clint Eastwood?

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      The pilot of the Enola Gay?

  • prommie

    He's got all the natural human charm of Richard Nixon. Thats saying something, man.

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      At least Richard Nixon was a football fan. Even Hunter S. Thompson gave him credit for that. I wonder what HST would say about Mittens. Too bad he is not around.

      • prommie

        Just read what Fakakta says about Romney, thats what HST would say. She channels him, the same just with a lovely accent.

        • FakaktaSouth

          You know you are crazy, yes? I am quite sure at this point. I ALREADY SAID I love you – HST aside. But you know, outpourings of maddening stream of consciousness swearing is a real thing too, baby.

          You think I have an accent? Dang.

          • prommie

            Though this be madness, yet there is method in't. And I said it first, so go on now with that claiming to be the prescient one.

      • chicken_thief

        "Too bad he is not around. "

        Which one – Mittens or HST?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I bet Checkers rode inside the car, tho

      • prommie

        Nixon fucking HATED the rich entitled fucks like Romney, he really did, like an obsession, its the one thing I actually love about Nixon, he did fucking despise the entitled inheritor douchefucks like Romney. Oh, he would just despise Romney. Nixon might could hate Romney worse than HST. He wouldn't say it as funny, though.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          But he'd probably use just as many or more expletives deleted.

          • prommie

            Nah, listen to the tapes, Nixon was a lame-ass swearer even totally awake and with his eyes open. Nixon was pretty formulaic, like "that (insert ethnic slur) Cocksucker." Like Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood.

        • chicken_thief

          If Nixon was still around, Mitten's 1040's going back to 2000 would be public knowledge by now.

          • prommie

            Thats just beautifu man. Yup, that was Nixon.

        • FakaktaSouth

          Did you hear what this fucking guy did to the french talking? i am not having that. He may think he can say whatever he wants to about my fellow Americans and believe we will take it, and like it (I actually now believe he is wrong about that) and i can shake my head and know this, but DO NOT FUCK with my French. I would (tacky threat with votes deleted) his dumb ass just for THIS when he comes here to Evil-wrong-and-stupid-ville to run his head, and you know he will. You just FUCKING KNOW IT.

          • prommie

            You know how mangled my frainglese is, this makes me ascared.

    • rickmaci

      I worked for Richard Nixon (long story, sigh). I met Richard Nixon. Believe me, Twitt Romoney is no Richard Nixon.

      • prommie

        Did Oliver Stone get it?

        • rickmaci

          Ron Howard. Frost/Nixon.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Since Baconz isn't here this morning, I'll go ahead and say this for him:

    I find this difficult to masturbate to.

    • mrpuma2u

      seconded.

  • a_pink_poodle

    It's like that scene in Star Trek Generations where Data laughs too hard!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Whatever you do, don't mention "Ferengi in a gorilla suit" to him before a debate!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I kind of get the sense he maybe doesn't actually think that places like Iowa are all that great.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      B-b-but the corn is just right height!

  • http://www.tumblr.com/blog/hamsterpantsworld Hammiepants

    Hahaha, Mittens thinks Letterman hates him because he's been on Leno more than on his show. Silly wabbit, Letterman hates him because he is a humourless automaton who kills love and laughter with his pitiless inhuman gaze.

    • SorosBot

      Also, Leno sucks. This point can't be repeated enough.

      • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

        They probably got their car elevators from the same place.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Stand by for a whole lot of Top Ten lists.

    • tessiee

      It's entirely possible that Letterman hates Mitt… you know, like everyone else who's ever met him.

  • Schmannnity

    It just dawned on me: Mitt doesn't have a great sense of humor–Ann has a shitty sense of humor.

  • Lucidamente1

    53% of the time he's dickish; the other 47% just clueless.

  • Crank_Tango

    …as in this sliced turkey breast smells "funny."

  • no_gravity

    "I like spontaneous humor. Like one time, there was this guy who's hairstyle I didn't agree with, so I took out my lucky scissors and cut it. Fifty years later and I'm still laughing over that one."

  • SorosBot

    But The Abyss is the Cameron movie about the underwater intelligent species (not aliens, they're also from Earth), not one of the ones about the robots disguised as humans.

  • cromiller

    The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him.

    • noodlesalad

      Do Romneys dream of anything, or do they just kind of close their eyes and mentally count their moneys while feigning unconsciousness?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Elected sheep

        • tessiee

          Thanks to a tasteful interior decorator, they're eclectic sheep.

          • BeefHardcake

            Along with their lesser-known but more boring brothers, the didactic sheep.

          • bobbert

            This is Rmoney we're talking about, so: emetic sheep.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            Are you sure it's not herpetic sheep?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Abyssmal.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    This campaign is really taking a toll on Mitt's appearance. He looks like Benjamin Button when he was six.

  • SorosBot

    Even the second Terminator eventually learned "vhy you cry", but the Mittbot seems incapable of such sophisticated programming.

  • Wadisay

    He's a lot more human and approachable when he's shaving the heads of Nancy-boys.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    If Romney was an actual human person who could feel embarrassment/shame/chagrin I would feel uncomfortable for him while watching this. Since he isn't I just want to kick him.

  • StealthMuslin

    You will not make me pity him! You will NOT!!!

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    This song is called "I am sad. So very, very sad."

  • noodlesalad

    I had a schoolmate who was a jokester as well, he loved torturing animals, ridiculing poor people, and generally creeping everyone out. And he was really, really good at simulating human emotion.

  • An_Outhouse

    The history of Mitt's political career – from DOS 1.0 to Windoze 8 Beta

  • MistaEko

    "Why was I programmed to feel pain?"

    /Josh, you gotta call off this whole slashfic thing. Please.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    and que in 3, 2, 1

    Noonington / Geller 2016

  • mrpuma2u

    Staring at Mitt in the eyes is kinda like staring into the abyss…

  • ttommyunger

    "MITT ROMNEY STARED INTO THE ABYSS"….The Abyss stared back and said: 'You sir, are fucked!"

  • mavenmaven

    The comforting thing is that hopefully, after November, we'll never have to hear that frightening laugh again. And let's hope Paul Ryan disappears with him down that abyss.

  • prommie

    And the Abyss stared back and laughed at his fucking lame loser losing lame dumbfuck ass.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    If they're not going to make with the tax returns, and then going to put us through this "campaign in a spiral" news cycle, the least they could do is secretly release some footage of he and Ann joylessly passionlessly desultorily stone-facedly fucking in one of their 9,439 palatial bedrooms. Then I'd feel like I could relate to him a bit.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    "The dog on my car roof has no nose!"

    "No nose? How does he smell?"

    "Like shit!"

  • HistoriCat

    It's Mitt Romney – there is NO sexy part!

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      THEN WHY ARE WE READING THIS?

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Here Comes Funny Boo Boo

  • calliecallie

    Screw Mittens. I don't care.

    But did you see the runner at the bottom of the screen about three minutes in that said production is delayed on the next Buffy the Vampier Slayer movie?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      jesus i was WONDERING what happened.

  • hagajim

    Good lord, I couldn't even watch that all the way through. How fake and awkward can one guy be?

  • kittensdontlie

    The unbearable heaviness of Mitt's being, is from all the bad sh*t he has done to working folks and their families, for his own personal gain.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The abyss is voting for Obama.

    • Steverino247

      Obviously because it's black in the abyss!

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    That's one of the things that separates our candidates from Mittens. Put Joe Biden in a crowd at a diner and in five minutes, he's feeling up a biker chick!

    • GeorgiaBurning

      Put Romney in a crowd in a diner and in five minutes its an empty diner

  • neiltheblaze

    Thing is, Mitt really hated it when the abyss stared back at him.

  • Steverino247

    In a related story…

    Guess who arranged for the hidden camera footage to be used against Mitt?
    http://news.yahoo.com/carter-grandson-arranged-ro

    Hahahahahaha!

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      Cue James Brown's "The Payback"!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hey, I watched all the way through for the best line in it – the fadeout: "We've got some coffee for you, Governor…." Priceless….

  • notanncoulter

    This is what you get when you create a robot whose prime directive is to acquire and protect capital over all other concerns.
    He's an arrogant entitled fuck that hates anyone not making him richer.
    [did I say that out loud?]
    His entire campaign is based on "I am entitled to this so it matters not how pathetic a campaign I run or that my initial instinct is to demean and belittle and insult anything and everything I see. Fuck 'em – this is mine to take and to hell with effort."

    • SorosBot

      Law 1: A Rombot may not injure his money or, through inaction, allow his money to come to harm.

      • eggsacklywright

        "Emergency cancelation Archimedes."

        • notanncoulter

          Anyone know the going rate for Corbomite?

  • LibertyLover

    Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?

    May I call you, Abyss? Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

  • valgal2342

    That horse just won't dance. (Yea, I stole that)

  • GeorgiaBurning

    I really don't want that "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." anywhere near the big red button. But, he'd make a good villain on a Saturday morning cartoon.

  • Dumbedup

    Did anyone notice at his press conference the other night there was a hair out of place on his head-unit assembly? I think he's feeling the black hole of ignominious failure pulling him in, and he can only keep running the same program.

  • notanncoulter

    He's not just like a robot – he's more like an ALIEN robot with a remote control, but the wiring is faulty and sometimes these weird little short-circuits take place causing him to blurt out something from the alien's page of notes on how to pretend to be a human, but the writing is so hard to read that it comes out awkwardly and disconnected and out of sequence. I find him incredibly discomforting. I've never seen anyone so cringe inducing; other than Woody Allen in "Play It Again Sam", and that was at least intentionally funny.

  • cheetojeebus

    Is this how Frankenstein's monster felt when everyone was upset he had thrown the little girl into the pond? After having watched her throw the flowers into the same pond? That sense of misunderstanding and the sadness of being unable to communicate? He just thought that's what you do with beautiful little things? So sad. I mean about the monster, not the mittster.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Now I get it! His campaigns have been a stealth reboot of "Third Rock From The Sun"!!

  • Guppy

    Don't just stare at it, eat it!

  • LibrarianX

    The only thing that makes Mitt sad: a Return on Investment that's less than 86%

    • DahBoner

      #WINNING

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Is that a preview of Innocence of the Mormons?

  • LibrarianX

    Willard Romney: a pitiless quivering goo of blancmange.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      From the planet Skyron in the Andromeda galaxy, I presume.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    henri, le chat noir is infinitely sadder.

    also worth five minutes.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M7ibPk37_U

  • schvitzatura

    Politician Romney with your derp ideals
    Have you no idea how humanity feels

  • DahBoner

    Ho.

  • DahBoner

    Mittbot must be powered by a Drinky Bird CPU:
    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thu

    Because every time he fucks up and says something stupid, he just dips his beak back down in The Stupid and gulps down some more…

  • FajitaFriday

    She was wearing the spiked vagina cage at the time with the remote control zapper. Of course she'd say he's funny.

  • ChickTract_Fil_A

    Is there NO room quiet enough?

  • snarkusbachmann

    I can't wait until he announces that his campaign for president was all just a five-year joke. PUNK'D, beeee-itches!

  • ChickTract_Fil_A

    Nothing makes a robot look more human than digging it's own grave.

  • TribecaMike

    Just grab her tits, Mitt. The rest of the country wants to.