Mitt Romney Stared Into the Abyss

It welled up inside him, this tinny emotion. (They had built “emotions” into him, so he would be the perfect robot son for a childless human mother, but they had fucked it up, the circuits or whatever were switched.) She had gone, and he was alone for eternity. And what erupted in his switched circuits or whatever in his infinite sadness was “Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.” They didn’t even get the laugh right, because all the engineers were on some awesome Future Drug like in Philip K. Dick or whatever, and they could only see in fractals.


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        1. actor212

          Oh, you meant the actual "The Abyss"?

          Oh, yea. That could have been much better. It was never sure if it wanted to be a horror film or "ET Meets The Deep Blue Sea"

  1. actor212


    How I remember that innocent moment when Mitt attempted to exchange long protein strands with Rick Perry's shoulder under the guise of "a bet".

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    I made it to about 1:20. This guy is even more contrived than W was. He's like that dickhead lieutenant Bruno Kirby played in Good Morning Vietnam. "I know funny!"

    1. HogeyeGrex

      I made it to 3:12 and now I just want to void my bowels.

      How did this guy even manage to win the primary? Christ, what an absurdly contrived douche. Everything about him screams "asshole." He's just one giant, head-to-toe sphincter.

      Good Lord, the debates are going to be a bloodbath.

  3. smashedinhat

    The MittenBot 2012 is actually just the CartridgeBot with a cheap coat of paint, forever peeling. Actually he's more like a boat anchor, but whatever.

    1. Exhausted66

      Weird how someone who's only ever been the boss has a skewed sense of his own senso of humor. "Everybody laughs, I must be hilarious."

      1. actor212

        Oh, I can totally get how that happens. My boss tells some of the worst jokes and I have to smile and chuckle, and then after the meeting, I go puke my guts out because I feel so self-defeated.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. "My" people avoiding taxes in the Cayman Islands. I watched Ferraris glitter in the dark in my car elevator. All those moments will be lost in time… like dog diarrhea in wind… Time to Derp.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      The video was released… and a hundred Republican candidates and pundits came out… and they ate him.

    2. CarnyTrash

      The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping. Why is that, Mitt?

  5. PinkoPopulist

    Where does the "abyss" fall in the Book of Mormon? Is that after the magic underwear and before the temple of doom?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I know David Lee Roth did. There he stood, and looked down. Ya know he lost a lot of friends there, baby. He's got no time to mess around.

    1. Kid_Charlemagne

      At least Richard Nixon was a football fan. Even Hunter S. Thompson gave him credit for that. I wonder what HST would say about Mittens. Too bad he is not around.

      1. prommie

        Just read what Fakakta says about Romney, thats what HST would say. She channels him, the same just with a lovely accent.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          You know you are crazy, yes? I am quite sure at this point. I ALREADY SAID I love you – HST aside. But you know, outpourings of maddening stream of consciousness swearing is a real thing too, baby.

          You think I have an accent? Dang.

          1. prommie

            Though this be madness, yet there is method in't. And I said it first, so go on now with that claiming to be the prescient one.

      1. prommie

        Nixon fucking HATED the rich entitled fucks like Romney, he really did, like an obsession, its the one thing I actually love about Nixon, he did fucking despise the entitled inheritor douchefucks like Romney. Oh, he would just despise Romney. Nixon might could hate Romney worse than HST. He wouldn't say it as funny, though.

          1. prommie

            Nah, listen to the tapes, Nixon was a lame-ass swearer even totally awake and with his eyes open. Nixon was pretty formulaic, like "that (insert ethnic slur) Cocksucker." Like Bela Lugosi in Ed Wood.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Did you hear what this fucking guy did to the french talking? i am not having that. He may think he can say whatever he wants to about my fellow Americans and believe we will take it, and like it (I actually now believe he is wrong about that) and i can shake my head and know this, but DO NOT FUCK with my French. I would (tacky threat with votes deleted) his dumb ass just for THIS when he comes here to Evil-wrong-and-stupid-ville to run his head, and you know he will. You just FUCKING KNOW IT.

    2. rickmaci

      I worked for Richard Nixon (long story, sigh). I met Richard Nixon. Believe me, Twitt Romoney is no Richard Nixon.

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Since Baconz isn't here this morning, I'll go ahead and say this for him:

    I find this difficult to masturbate to.

  7. Hammiepants

    Hahaha, Mittens thinks Letterman hates him because he's been on Leno more than on his show. Silly wabbit, Letterman hates him because he is a humourless automaton who kills love and laughter with his pitiless inhuman gaze.

  8. no_gravity

    "I like spontaneous humor. Like one time, there was this guy who's hairstyle I didn't agree with, so I took out my lucky scissors and cut it. Fifty years later and I'm still laughing over that one."

  9. SorosBot

    But The Abyss is the Cameron movie about the underwater intelligent species (not aliens, they're also from Earth), not one of the ones about the robots disguised as humans.

  10. cromiller

    The 600 series had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human… sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till he moved on you before I could zero him.

    1. noodlesalad

      Do Romneys dream of anything, or do they just kind of close their eyes and mentally count their moneys while feigning unconsciousness?

  11. Tequila Mockingbird

    This campaign is really taking a toll on Mitt's appearance. He looks like Benjamin Button when he was six.

  12. SorosBot

    Even the second Terminator eventually learned "vhy you cry", but the Mittbot seems incapable of such sophisticated programming.

  13. Chow Yun Flat

    If Romney was an actual human person who could feel embarrassment/shame/chagrin I would feel uncomfortable for him while watching this. Since he isn't I just want to kick him.

  14. noodlesalad

    I had a schoolmate who was a jokester as well, he loved torturing animals, ridiculing poor people, and generally creeping everyone out. And he was really, really good at simulating human emotion.

  15. mavenmaven

    The comforting thing is that hopefully, after November, we'll never have to hear that frightening laugh again. And let's hope Paul Ryan disappears with him down that abyss.

  16. mrblifil

    If they're not going to make with the tax returns, and then going to put us through this "campaign in a spiral" news cycle, the least they could do is secretly release some footage of he and Ann joylessly passionlessly desultorily stone-facedly fucking in one of their 9,439 palatial bedrooms. Then I'd feel like I could relate to him a bit.

  17. calliecallie

    Screw Mittens. I don't care.

    But did you see the runner at the bottom of the screen about three minutes in that said production is delayed on the next Buffy the Vampier Slayer movie?

  18. kittensdontlie

    The unbearable heaviness of Mitt's being, is from all the bad sh*t he has done to working folks and their families, for his own personal gain.

  19. Kid_Charlemagne

    That's one of the things that separates our candidates from Mittens. Put Joe Biden in a crowd at a diner and in five minutes, he's feeling up a biker chick!

  20. Toomush_Infer

    Hey, I watched all the way through for the best line in it – the fadeout: "We've got some coffee for you, Governor…." Priceless….

  21. notanncoulter

    This is what you get when you create a robot whose prime directive is to acquire and protect capital over all other concerns.
    He's an arrogant entitled fuck that hates anyone not making him richer.
    [did I say that out loud?]
    His entire campaign is based on "I am entitled to this so it matters not how pathetic a campaign I run or that my initial instinct is to demean and belittle and insult anything and everything I see. Fuck 'em – this is mine to take and to hell with effort."

  22. LibertyLover

    Hey, I just met you, And this is crazy, But here's my number, So call me, maybe?

    May I call you, Abyss? Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

  23. GeorgiaBurning

    I really don't want that "Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha." anywhere near the big red button. But, he'd make a good villain on a Saturday morning cartoon.

  24. Dumbedup

    Did anyone notice at his press conference the other night there was a hair out of place on his head-unit assembly? I think he's feeling the black hole of ignominious failure pulling him in, and he can only keep running the same program.

  25. notanncoulter

    He's not just like a robot – he's more like an ALIEN robot with a remote control, but the wiring is faulty and sometimes these weird little short-circuits take place causing him to blurt out something from the alien's page of notes on how to pretend to be a human, but the writing is so hard to read that it comes out awkwardly and disconnected and out of sequence. I find him incredibly discomforting. I've never seen anyone so cringe inducing; other than Woody Allen in "Play It Again Sam", and that was at least intentionally funny.

  26. cheetojeebus

    Is this how Frankenstein's monster felt when everyone was upset he had thrown the little girl into the pond? After having watched her throw the flowers into the same pond? That sense of misunderstanding and the sadness of being unable to communicate? He just thought that's what you do with beautiful little things? So sad. I mean about the monster, not the mittster.

  27. FajitaFriday

    She was wearing the spiked vagina cage at the time with the remote control zapper. Of course she'd say he's funny.

  28. snarkusbachmann

    I can't wait until he announces that his campaign for president was all just a five-year joke. PUNK'D, beeee-itches!

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