a kiss for the dying

Peggy Noonan Cuts A Bitch

FuhgeddaboutitMitt was down for the count. Bill and Brooksy had already taken their kicks to his ribs, while Peggy stood silent, unfiltered Camel in her claw. She watched, her snake lips thinning even further as they stretched across her skull for her “smile.” Just as Bill was about to deliver his boot to the back of Mitt’s head, Mitt’s jaw carefully opened and propped on the curb, Peggy finally spoke. “No,” she spat in her unmistakable goon-speak. “Let me.”

Peggy had a tsunami of words at the ready, thousands and thousands of them. Peggy had about a million words, actually, to let Mitt know what an unspeakable loser he was, that he’d been brought back here for special retribution for having fucked the dog for their gang. He was a loser, a shallow operative, a no-good constant fuck-up, incompetent, not brave, not bold, even his ads were fucking boring, and he was “sad-looking.” Peggy let her words flow forth over Mitt, his eyeballs pinned open like in Clockwork Orange so he could watch as she stubbed her cigarette out on his nude, bound torso.

She flipped her hair out of her eyes, and continued. She had some ideas, if he didn’t want to die that night. One was for him to go to Brooklyn, surround himself with guy-types and immigrants. She hadn’t really thought this through, how likely he was to insult their homemade baklava or tell them that their work boots looked cheap. She also hadn’t really thought about the blacks who would likely show up to laugh and hoot and jeer at him.

Honestly, Peggy never really thought things through. She just whirled and whirled her words around, a vortex of words, until she fell through them on the other side, coming to on the floor after she’d been knocked into a trance by the wordwordword of her sentences, spinning, so many adjectives, so many musings, so much Ronny.

She remembered Ronny. The only time she’d ever loved. What a brute he had been, a faithless, ruthless brute. She still ached when she thought of him. There would never be another.

She remembered the time he knocked her across the jaw right to the ground. She trembled, wanting to feel that sweet kiss again.

She had another idea: get some senators to stand with Mitt. And … that was about it for her ideas.

No, she realized, neither of those things would clear up Mitt’s constant dog-fucking and bed-shitting. Mitt was going to have to die. Tonight. She’d never cared for a curb-job, though. All those teeth. She brought out her slim, shiny blade. She counted his ribs.



About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  1. ttommyunger

    Funny; but really, the Pegster can't safely cut the cheese without risking disaster in her granny panties.

  2. Barbara_

    Let's celebrate Mitt's vast Olympic experience and put it in Olympic competition speak.

    Yes, this is a slalom occasion for Mitt. He's going downhill between the poles. (polls)

    1. WhatTheHeck

      If only he had waxed eloquently, his words would have moved through the white snow like Peggy’s hot knife through butter.

  3. DerrickWildcat

    Romney Campaign Schedule:
    Wednesday: Insult Cripples. Thursday: Insult Native Americans: Friday: Insult Italians. Saturday: Insult Cancer Survivors. Sunday: Insult Orphans. Monday: Insult Other kind of Indians. Tuesday: Insult Vietnamese. Wednesday: Insult Single Fathers.

    1. chicken_thief

      I would add to each day's list:

      1. mention "failure of the Obama Administration"
      2. I can get the economy moving again. Because I'm not blah.

      1. LibertyLover

        And Egg Romney reminds me to mention that I really care about you. No, I really do. Why are you laughing like that?

        1. Generation[redacted]

          They don't pay taxes. Rmoney wants to help them fulfill their potential by removing their government dependency. Because not worrying about them is his job. Also. Too.

          1. Yellerdawg

            According to his latest interview on Fox, Americans should love paying taxes. It's what we all strive for! (Unless you're rich in which case you should never have to pay taxes because someday you might create a job, by hiring a gardener or a chambermaid/butt-wiper.)

          2. DahBoner

            Little kids taunt other kids about how much more taxes THEY pay because they do't buy their school supplies on stupid TAX FREE DAYS…

  4. ManchuCandidate

    I'm surprised Pegs Noonington IV didn't offer the suggestion… well, more like demand, that Mittens be strapped to the top of his campaign bus. That's the Rmoney solution to things that shit the bed.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    Time for the party to step up. Romney should go out there every day surrounded with the most persuasive, interesting and articulate members of his party\

    That'll be a small supporting cast!

    1. ManchuCandidate

      Those two or three people should be made to wear T-shirts that say "I'm with Stupid" with each and every appearance they make with Mittens.

      Mittens should also be given one, but with the arrow pointing up.

    2. Beowoof

      Are they any that want to be seen with him. I am sensing the loser label is not one other candidates want to associate with.

  6. Chow Yun Flat

    That’s too small and pinched and narrow. That’s not how Republicans emerge victorious

    No, they intimidate likely Democratic voters and whip up their base by saying the coloreds are coming to steal their wimmens.

    1. kittensdontlie

      I read this quote as Noonan hoping Mitt can pull this victory out of his ass canal, if only it weren't so "pinched and narrow".

    2. MittBorg

      And get their wimmenz' hopes up for nuffink. Wut? Obama's leading by about 40 points with women, right now, 53 with Latinas. Sounds like two out of three of Teh Laydeez has panties only for Obama.

  7. actor212

    He should peer deep into the abyss. He should look straight into the heart of darkness where lies a Republican defeat in a year the Republican presidential candidate almost couldn’t lose.

    Pegs? I see a small problem in this analysis…

  8. sbj1964

    Mittens better be looking over his shoulders for Karl Roves Viper assassination ninja squad.And Dick Vader Cheney "You have disappointed me for the last time Admiral/Romeny".

    1. Dildeaux

      Right. Cause Barack was taught the 5 Finger Palm Exploding Heart Punch while at Harvard. (romney does not know this fact)

    2. FlownOver

      "Do you read the Bible, Mitt? Well, there's this passage I've got memorized for just such an occasion. Ezekiel 25:17 – "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men…'"

  9. Lot_49

    The front page of the iPad version of Politico was hilarious a few hours back: every story was an OMG-freakout about how awful Romney is doing. And Po'o used to be his campaign newsletter!

    1. RemyLeHeaux

      Yeah, the "Mitt is Down; Out Loom Next" article by Roger Simon had me dying. That dude is usually totally in the tank for Mittens and just goes completely off on Romney, basically saying the wheels came off a while ago.

      No one wants to be the last on the bandwagon and look wrong.

      1. Lot_49

        Ha! They're a “perfectly lubricated weather vane,” sensing blood in the water around the Romney campaign, and preparing to switch interests when he loses.

  10. memzilla

    This may be the first Presidenttial campaign in history where the Democratic candidate could just run sound-bites of what his Rethuglican opponent has said.

    And the sign-off could be: "I'm Barack Obama. He's Mitt Romney. And Mitt must approve of this message, because… those were his very own words."

        1. AbandonHope_

          Doesn't matter. It's a liberal media because gay commie Muslin atheist feminazi takin-ur-gunz blah redistribution Cadillac welfare queen socializm.

          Saying enough of those words loudly and quickly enough is an automatic get-out-of-facts-free card for wingtards.

        2. GunToting[Redacted]

          I gave up on this line of reasoning years ago… "Sure, NBC (owned by GE (at the time)) REALLY supports anti-business practices…"

  11. dcjdjay

    And hopefully after she delivered a tsunami of utter garbage, she crawled back into the rotting corpse of Ronnie and turned agarophobic.

  12. Sharkey

    Wow, after reading her "blog" it seems Pegster likes Romney even less than Palin!

    We are a big, complicated nation. And we are human beings. We are people. We have souls.

    That would seem to include Romney, but she doesn't apparently realize the depth of the arguments to the contrary.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if Beck will send a cease and desist letter to Romney's campaign if they start using his "Loser" as Mitt's entrance song at events.

      1. actor212

        Oh yea! I agree. She's a 3PM, first-in-the-bar souse, who sits there and slowly stirs her gin-rocks with a swizzle stick while waiting for the little click to go off behind her ear that tells her the blood-brain barrier has been breached.

        And then she smiles knowingly to no one save Jack behind the bar and the one guy who actually got some off her in a phone booth, 34 years ago New Year's Eve.

          1. CindynEncinitas

            Holla, you proletariat hunka burning lerv! Sometimes a member of the servant class is just what a girl needs…

  14. Pragmatist2

    There are two Republicans I wish were on my side- Noonan and – God Forgive Me – Chris Christie. The guy is heartless but he knows how to make a point

  15. banana_bread

    Peggington Noonington has been reduced to shrill armchair quarterbacking. "NO, MITT, YOU IDIOT, RUN THE DAMN BALL!!" she screeches while throwing Cheetos at the screen.

  16. chicken_thief

    The ending should include a screeching (M)Anne Coulter doing a "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" with his/her eyeballs popping out like his/her Adam's Apple.

  17. Baconzgood

    I've noticed that Mitt's been in constant damage control ever since the etch-a-skech remark by his campaign. In all the elections for POTUS this has been the worst campaign I ever remember. It's just in tail spin mode everyday.

    1. chicken_thief

      It's fun to watch, but only if His Majesty The Melon Head really does lose come 11/6. The wider the margin, the better.

      1. PinkoPopulist

        It must be great to be in the Obama campaign with all Romney's gaffes. For them it's like shooting fish in a barrel, except all the fish are Plaxico Burress and all the Obama campaign has to do is kick back and enjoy eating fish.

    2. Terry

      Well, Al Gore insisting on distancing himself from Big Dog and taking advice instead from Naomi Wolf instead was pretty darn bad. This is by far worse, however.

      1. HogeyeGrex

        Wooden as he was, it wasn't even close to Romney's robotitude. But yeah, running away from Clinton was a huge fuckup. In contrast, consigning the name Bush to the political oubliette is the one thing the Romneyites have done right.

    3. actor212

      This campaign has been the culmination of all the bad *weeks* the worst campaigns of the past forty years have endured. I mean, jeez, Dukakis ran a shit campaign but even he still managed to zing a point or two off Bush the Elder (courtesy of Lloyd Bentsen and JFK, but what the hey?)

      Romney's run one long "Kitty Dukakis question"…

  18. tracyhasfun

    Time for the Ronnie hologram. Peggy apparently needs it, and honestly at this point, it can only help McMitt.

    1. PinkoPopulist

      Over/under on percentage of tea partiers that would actually think Ronald Reagan had rose from the dead to save them: 56%

      …I'll take the over.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          No — there was speculation that the hologram was the big surprise for the convention in Tampa. Turned out it was a gay guy* saying dumbass things to an empty chair — so they were close.

          *Edit — typo.

  19. keepwalkin

    Is there a problem with pooping in bed? I'm doing some research.

    No, she realized, neither of those things would clear up Mitt’s constant dog-fucking and bed-shitting.

  20. elviouslyqueer

    Reagan in 1984 used to put out his hand: “Come too, come walk with me.” Come join, come help, whatever is happening in your life.

    Ugh, Pegs. Step away from Sybian. Just step away.

  21. Weenus299

    "I think there is a broad and growing feeling now, among Republicans, that this thing is slipping out of Romney’s hands."

    Do you know what else slipped out of Romney's Hands?

  22. Kid_Charlemagne

    This election has caused Noonan to permanently retire to her bed chamber where she rests quietly cradling one of Ronald Reagan's brogues to her chest and muttering to herself about "Dutch".

  23. Weenus299

    I wonder what Pegs did with that imaginary Ohio woman when she found out Romno was not what she'd imagine? "I wrote once," hyperlinked of course to another word salad of imagination and Midwestern American Orgy/Election Hijinks.

  24. Toomush_Infer

    Is there something in the water down at Wonkette headquarters today? I'm sensing a long post trend….something coca-cola related?….

  25. Pres.Beeblebrox

    I think there is a broad and growing feeling now, among Republicans, that this thing is slipping out of Romney’s hands.

    Sayeth it, Ladye Peggye of Nooningtonshire! Forsooth, say ye unto us how ye Election wilt yet be lost by ye High Lorde Mittens of Hairgelle!

  26. Weenus299

    Fuck I just finished that long winding road. Lordy the only feeling I get is that the Pegster's locked herself in her Republibunker with cardboard Reagan cutouts spinning around on turntables, lit candles and all, and she doesn't emerge from this bunker until her Monstrosicolumns are by-dog writ good!

  27. rickmaci

    Twitt gives us an hour long peek into the moral and intellectual decay of American Conservatards and they are all up in arms because all their nasty secrets are out in the open. Everything was laid out in that hour ; racism, hypocrisy, religious bigotry and most particularly, virulent elitism. Those are the "values" of the so called conservatives. May they burn in hell.

  28. bflrtsplk

    Granted, Mitt is, was and always will be an unspeakable loser of epic proportion, but how does our dear Peg go around with the face she be wearin` in that photo up yonder.

  29. Guppy

    You have to be sophisticated to know that. And if you’re operating at the top of national politics, you’re supposed to be sophisticated.

    2001-2009 just called…

  30. mrblifil

    Also yesterday morning Joe Scarborough posited that perhaps Paul Krugman was right and that he Joe Scarborough had possibly miscalculated. What the fuck is even going on anymore?

  31. owhatever

    She was trying to say Mitt vastly underestimated the number of moochers and lazy welfare queens. That it is really closer to 90 percent. She doesn't know any of them personally of course, but she must fly now because the martini is getting warm.

  32. OKthennext

    Peggers wrote:

    "Also, Mr. Romney’s ads are mostly boring. It’s kind of an achievement to be boring at a moment in history like this, so credit where it’s due: That musta taken effort!"

    Bada bing!

  33. Toomush_Infer

    I see Jeb sitting on his back porch, having finally lit up that Cubana he's been saving, letting it out in a long puff with thoughts of 2016 buzzing like sugar plums through his head: "Fucking Noonannnn…..

  34. Generation[redacted]

    That is one unintentionally funny editorial.

    As far as Mrs. Palin was concerned, Gwen Ifill was not there, and Joe Biden was not there. Sarah and the camera were there.

    Truer words were never spoke, WSJ Editorial Board.

  35. Exhausted66

    Peg wrote of "an imagined rural Ohio woman sitting on her porch, watching the campaign go by. She’s 60, she identifies as conservative, she likes guns, she thinks the culture has gone crazy"

    Wait, looking a the campaign or the mirror?

  36. SockBunny

    Thanks for distilling her loose bowels into a steaming, glistening pile of…pearls. Yes, that's it. Pearls.

  37. Chow Yun Flat

    "That’s not how Republicans emerge victorious"

    Dear Peggy Noonan,

    Anyone else would have written "That's not how Republicans win"
    Do you get paid by the word or the letter?
    Fuck you.


    Your biggest fan

  38. Yellerdawg

    And here's a piece of Cake:

    As they speed thru the finish the flags go down.
    The fans get up, and get out of town.
    The arena is empty except for one man,
    Still driving and striving as fast as he can.

  39. JohnnyQuick

    Stay Gold, Rebecca. Your Jim Thompson Peg is a delightful successor to Newell (RIP)'s Lady Peggington.

  40. ffredpalakon

    The take on Peggy Noonan as an old-time crime boss, like Ma Greeny out of Requiem For A Heavyweight was brilliant. Kudos. I'll be doing pale imitations of this, in my head, the rest of the day.

    "Get me my crowbar," she said to one of the many boys she always had about her, all a little awkward, all quite sadistic, always looking a little too long at another boy before suddenly realizing to look at the girl nearby instead. "Get me my crowbar. The one with George Will's blood on it."

  41. deangarr

    Mark McKinnon, Republican strategist and Bush campaign aide, wrote the following today:

    "I loved Michelle Obama’s line in her speech: 'A presidency reveals who you are.' So do campaigns. And mark me down as one Republican not happy with what is being revealed about Mitt Romney.

  42. MiniMencken

    I bet this post would be super-funny if I had some sort of clue as to what it is referring to, apart from Peggy Noonan.

  43. AlterNewt

    Rebecca. Kitchen counter. Right now.

    EDIT/ That was a compliment. Did it sound like a compliment? Because it was meant to be a compliment.

  44. zippy_w_pinhead

    While she's right about what a loser Mitt is, the Pegster is also missing the big picture here- conservatism hasn't been "a great political philosophy" for decades. While it arguably was once a legitimate voice in the national debate, these days it has devolved into a pathetic circle jerk of white resentment and wallowing in hatred of "the other", especially if that other resides a rung or two below them on the economic ladder, all fed and nursed by heartless sociopaths who manipulate this seething anger to fill their pocketbooks. The trouble with Romney is he is the epitome of today's GOP. He's not the problem, he's a symptom…

  45. Smithboy

    This is a woman who said of investigating torture conducted by our military that sometimes it is "Just better to whistle while you walk past the graveyard."

    Translation…it's better not to ask questions. What a journalist!

  46. archikvetch

    She wails for ideas but only gives stage directions…that rally in New York, New York (named it twice – oh the gimlet-eyed wit!) with Chris Christie… genius! I see Dianna Vreeland – "Zebras! That's it! I need Zebras!" Oh ho – DANCING Zebras!

  47. snarkusbachmann

    If Mitt really wants to voters to think he is the second-coming of Reagan, I don't see why right now wouldn't be a great time to announce he has Alzheimer's.

  48. crybabyboehner

    A "jockey who rode Seabiscuit and thought they won a race" – she must have been lookin' in the mirror.

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