A KISS FOR THE DYING  10:50 am September 19, 2012

Peggy Noonan Cuts A Bitch

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

FuhgeddaboutitMitt was down for the count. Bill and Brooksy had already taken their kicks to his ribs, while Peggy stood silent, unfiltered Camel in her claw. She watched, her snake lips thinning even further as they stretched across her skull for her “smile.” Just as Bill was about to deliver his boot to the back of Mitt’s head, Mitt’s jaw carefully opened and propped on the curb, Peggy finally spoke. “No,” she spat in her unmistakable goon-speak. “Let me.”

Peggy had a tsunami of words at the ready, thousands and thousands of them. Peggy had about a million words, actually, to let Mitt know what an unspeakable loser he was, that he’d been brought back here for special retribution for having fucked the dog for their gang. He was a loser, a shallow operative, a no-good constant fuck-up, incompetent, not brave, not bold, even his ads were fucking boring, and he was “sad-looking.” Peggy let her words flow forth over Mitt, his eyeballs pinned open like in Clockwork Orange so he could watch as she stubbed her cigarette out on his nude, bound torso.

She flipped her hair out of her eyes, and continued. She had some ideas, if he didn’t want to die that night. One was for him to go to Brooklyn, surround himself with guy-types and immigrants. She hadn’t really thought this through, how likely he was to insult their homemade baklava or tell them that their work boots looked cheap. She also hadn’t really thought about the blacks who would likely show up to laugh and hoot and jeer at him.

Honestly, Peggy never really thought things through. She just whirled and whirled her words around, a vortex of words, until she fell through them on the other side, coming to on the floor after she’d been knocked into a trance by the wordwordword of her sentences, spinning, so many adjectives, so many musings, so much Ronny.

She remembered Ronny. The only time she’d ever loved. What a brute he had been, a faithless, ruthless brute. She still ached when she thought of him. There would never be another.

She remembered the time he knocked her across the jaw right to the ground. She trembled, wanting to feel that sweet kiss again.

She had another idea: get some senators to stand with Mitt. And … that was about it for her ideas.

No, she realized, neither of those things would clear up Mitt’s constant dog-fucking and bed-shitting. Mitt was going to have to die. Tonight. She’d never cared for a curb-job, though. All those teeth. She brought out her slim, shiny blade. She counted his ribs.

Home.

[WSJ]

 
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{ 218 comments }

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 10:53 am

Funny; but really, the Pegster can't safely cut the cheese without risking disaster in her granny panties.

Spurning Beer September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

On behalf of the Wonkette community, thank you for not giving us the image if Dame Peggy in a thong.

D'oh!

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

Face it, the granny panties is gross enough.

Maman September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

Granny's are people too, my friend (unless they are in Pennsylvania and then they have been wiped off the voter registration rolls)

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

Wiped, indeed!

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:14 am

Chunky!

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 11:17 am

I've often asked myself: do farts have lumps?

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

Of the many types of farts, (e.g. toot, whistle, boomer…) I believe only Thunderspray has lumps.

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

Good to know.

shelwood46 September 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

You have left out the classic "shart".

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

How many martinis are we in?

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

Tee Martoonis.

Barbara_ September 19, 2012 at 10:53 am

Let's celebrate Mitt's vast Olympic experience and put it in Olympic competition speak.

Yes, this is a slalom occasion for Mitt. He's going downhill between the poles. (polls)

Spurning Beer September 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

Couldn't happen to a nicer mogul.

And a Slalom Aleichem to you, Miss Barbara.

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Oh, schussh.

weejee September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

Point him down, and let him buck.

Barbara_ September 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

Thank you!

Not_So_Much September 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

For a second there I thought perhaps he had begun trotting out his favorite Polack jokes.

Sir_Fartz_Alot September 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

mmmm…. Pollock!

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

The Olympic relate makes me think of the Wide World Sports.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKEDD1i4oGk

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 11:34 am

I didn't know that the "Agony of Defeat Poster Boy" had a name!!!

Exhausted66 September 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

Well if you're gonna put it that way, Silver Medal in the Presidential Election Event.
Not bad.

WhatTheHeck September 19, 2012 at 11:56 am

If only he had waxed eloquently, his words would have moved through the white snow like Peggy’s hot knife through butter.

Hera Sent Me September 19, 2012 at 10:55 am

Either you have a remarkably vivid imagination, or you've had some – interesting – experiences.

rickmaci September 19, 2012 at 11:16 am

I'd put money on both.

Geminisunmars September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

She reads a lot; or use to, before she became the Wonkette Queen.

HogeyeGrex September 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Somehow reminiscent of this classic.

DerrickWildcat September 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

Romney Campaign Schedule:
Wednesday: Insult Cripples. Thursday: Insult Native Americans: Friday: Insult Italians. Saturday: Insult Cancer Survivors. Sunday: Insult Orphans. Monday: Insult Other kind of Indians. Tuesday: Insult Vietnamese. Wednesday: Insult Single Fathers.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

I would add to each day's list:

1. mention "failure of the Obama Administration"
2. I can get the economy moving again. Because I'm not blah.

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

And Egg Romney reminds me to mention that I really care about you. No, I really do. Why are you laughing like that?

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

thursday: insult veterans wounded in the line of duty.

Geminisunmars September 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

Yah – those VA moochers.

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

They don't pay taxes. Rmoney wants to help them fulfill their potential by removing their government dependency. Because not worrying about them is his job. Also. Too.

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 12:01 pm

According to his latest interview on Fox, Americans should love paying taxes. It's what we all strive for! (Unless you're rich in which case you should never have to pay taxes because someday you might create a job, by hiring a gardener or a chambermaid/butt-wiper.)

MittBorg September 19, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Doze guyz, yeah.

MittBorg September 19, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I hope Romney gives you a medal for this. You work SO HARD!

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2012 at 10:56 am

I'm surprised Pegs Noonington IV didn't offer the suggestion… well, more like demand, that Mittens be strapped to the top of his campaign bus. That's the Rmoney solution to things that shit the bed.

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

Seems fitting, since I predict all manner of people might get thrown under it.

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

That might improve his likeability score.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

Time for the party to step up. Romney should go out there every day surrounded with the most persuasive, interesting and articulate members of his party\

That'll be a small supporting cast!

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

Hmm. Maybe he has grandchildren that can take a day off school.

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

Those two or three people should be made to wear T-shirts that say "I'm with Stupid" with each and every appearance they make with Mittens.

Mittens should also be given one, but with the arrow pointing up.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

Ann's fishbird can carry a sign

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

Well, I mean, there's……

Oh, and, uhhhhh……

Oh gee, would you look at the time? I gotta run.

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

Are they any that want to be seen with him. I am sensing the loser label is not one other candidates want to associate with.

FlownOver September 19, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Steve King/Allen West/Jim Inhofe libel!

Chow Yun Flat September 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

That’s too small and pinched and narrow. That’s not how Republicans emerge victorious

No, they intimidate likely Democratic voters and whip up their base by saying the coloreds are coming to steal their wimmens.

kittensdontlie September 19, 2012 at 3:44 pm

I read this quote as Noonan hoping Mitt can pull this victory out of his ass canal, if only it weren't so "pinched and narrow".

MittBorg September 19, 2012 at 7:44 pm

And get their wimmenz' hopes up for nuffink. Wut? Obama's leading by about 40 points with women, right now, 53 with Latinas. Sounds like two out of three of Teh Laydeez has panties only for Obama.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 10:58 am

Another slash fic?

Great. Now I need brain bleach.

Terry September 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

I think Josh started something that's just going to get uglier and uglier.

HobbesEvilTwin September 19, 2012 at 10:59 am

So the Nooningtonshire finally came out her vicodin stupor?

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

Time for her Mai-Tai drunk.

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

So that pearl necklace she always clutches is actually a string of tabs?

Beowoof September 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

If Mitt were elected I may want to enter into a vicodin stupor.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

He should peer deep into the abyss. He should look straight into the heart of darkness where lies a Republican defeat in a year the Republican presidential candidate almost couldn’t lose.

Pegs? I see a small problem in this analysis…

Not_So_Much September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

There was an 'analysis' in her wordgasm?

missemish September 19, 2012 at 11:37 am

"almost" ….such a funny, muddy word, that.

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

Mittens better be looking over his shoulders for Karl Roves Viper assassination ninja squad.And Dick Vader Cheney "You have disappointed me for the last time Admiral/Romeny".

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

If Darth Dick strangles Romeny with his mind, then Ryan becomes the Nominee… ICK.

Dildeaux September 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

Right. Cause Barack was taught the 5 Finger Palm Exploding Heart Punch while at Harvard. (romney does not know this fact)

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

Did he learn that from Reverend Wright or from Bill Ayers?

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 11:52 am

It's anti-colonial worldview 101, which he took his freshman year.

FlownOver September 19, 2012 at 12:08 pm

"Do you read the Bible, Mitt? Well, there's this passage I've got memorized for just such an occasion. Ezekiel 25:17 – "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish, and the tyranny of evil men…'"

CarnyTrash September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

I love me some trashy pulp.

Lot_49 September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am

The front page of the iPad version of Politico was hilarious a few hours back: every story was an OMG-freakout about how awful Romney is doing. And Po'o used to be his campaign newsletter!

RemyLeHeaux September 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

Yeah, the "Mitt is Down; Out Loom Next" article by Roger Simon had me dying. That dude is usually totally in the tank for Mittens and just goes completely off on Romney, basically saying the wheels came off a while ago.

No one wants to be the last on the bandwagon and look wrong.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 2:30 am

I read Politico as Politburo. lol

Lot_49 September 20, 2012 at 2:47 am

Ha! They're a “perfectly lubricated weather vane,” sensing blood in the water around the Romney campaign, and preparing to switch interests when he loses.

memzilla September 19, 2012 at 11:01 am

This may be the first Presidenttial campaign in history where the Democratic candidate could just run sound-bites of what his Rethuglican opponent has said.

And the sign-off could be: "I'm Barack Obama. He's Mitt Romney. And Mitt must approve of this message, because… those were his very own words."

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

The right wing will still believe the librul media made it up.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

Yuo mean that liberal media that is owned by mega-coporations? That "liberal" media?

AbandonHope_ September 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Doesn't matter. It's a liberal media because gay commie Muslin atheist feminazi takin-ur-gunz blah redistribution Cadillac welfare queen socializm.

Saying enough of those words loudly and quickly enough is an automatic get-out-of-facts-free card for wingtards.

Schmannnity September 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

You forgot Jewish-controlled.

GunToting[Redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I gave up on this line of reasoning years ago… "Sure, NBC (owned by GE (at the time)) REALLY supports anti-business practices…"

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 11:23 am

Or – "I'm Barack Obama, and I don't have to approve anything in this message…."

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

Do not go gentle into that defeat.

AncienReggie September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Rage, rage against the dying of the Right.

RadioX September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

The lady smoketh Camel non-filters? How vulgar.

MumbletyX September 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

Someone must've sweet-talked her into it ; )

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

I'll bet she carries a scissor knife, though.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

She calls them "lights". Her regular smoke is canoe bark.

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

I would've thought Dunhills would be more her (affected) style.

M. Bouffant September 19, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Hey, hey, non-filter LIBEL!!

dcjdjay September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

And hopefully after she delivered a tsunami of utter garbage, she crawled back into the rotting corpse of Ronnie and turned agarophobic.

Maman September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

She might have nothing more than a pile of words but at least, unlike Mitt, they contain ideas.

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 11:02 am

Wow, after reading her "blog" it seems Pegster likes Romney even less than Palin!

We are a big, complicated nation. And we are human beings. We are people. We have souls.

That would seem to include Romney, but she doesn't apparently realize the depth of the arguments to the contrary.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

If only Mitt were really a Mexican…

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

What kind of Mexican eats a vegatarian burrito?

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

The ones from Las Veges.

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 12:18 pm

?

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:25 am

If only Mitt were human….

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

I read that whole thing and not one mention of the buttseks.

I'll never get those 2 minutes back….

CarnyTrash September 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

I was expecting there to be some "pegging" myself.

Joshua Norton September 19, 2012 at 11:03 am

My goodness. That last mason jar of Dubonnet sent Pegs into Full Metal Drama Queen.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

I wonder if Beck will send a cease and desist letter to Romney's campaign if they start using his "Loser" as Mitt's entrance song at events.

CindynEncinitas September 19, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Soy perdido! Orale!

neiltheblaze September 19, 2012 at 11:05 am

I always love it when the Peggster clutches her pearls and cries bitter tears into her box wine.

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

I always pictured Peggy Sue as a gin drinker.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

Oh yea! I agree. She's a 3PM, first-in-the-bar souse, who sits there and slowly stirs her gin-rocks with a swizzle stick while waiting for the little click to go off behind her ear that tells her the blood-brain barrier has been breached.

And then she smiles knowingly to no one save Jack behind the bar and the one guy who actually got some off her in a phone booth, 34 years ago New Year's Eve.

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

You know, if you put on a nice suit and cleaned up your language a little bit, you could probably get some of that!

CindynEncinitas September 19, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Holla, you proletariat hunka burning lerv! Sometimes a member of the servant class is just what a girl needs…

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 2:34 am

This sounds like personal experience. lol

Schmannnity September 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

In a lighter note, he's killing the Republican Party.

Pragmatist2 September 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

There are two Republicans I wish were on my side- Noonan and – God Forgive Me – Chris Christie. The guy is heartless but he knows how to make a point

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Well, all I'd want from Peggy are the free scrips from her "doctor".

banana_bread September 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

Peggington Noonington has been reduced to shrill armchair quarterbacking. "NO, MITT, YOU IDIOT, RUN THE DAMN BALL!!" she screeches while throwing Cheetos at the screen.

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Oh, that's good.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 11:06 am

The ending should include a screeching (M)Anne Coulter doing a "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" with his/her eyeballs popping out like his/her Adam's Apple.

MadBrahms September 19, 2012 at 11:07 am

So much better than "50 Shades of Grey", though just as difficult to masturbate to.

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 11:31 am

Holy hell!

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 11:57 am

It helps if you read it in a Gilbert Gottfried voice.

MadBrahms September 19, 2012 at 12:07 pm

He moved toward the entrance of her sex, and whispered "AFLAC!"

prommie September 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

I am seeing Peggy as like Aeon Flux here, coming in the night with her blade to twep Willard.

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

You just made me think of Lollipop Chainsaw for some reason.

NellCote71 September 19, 2012 at 11:08 am

Jesus, that's a long article.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Miss it, Noonan. Miss! Miss!

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 11:09 am

Charlie Sheen's gonna start hanging around Mitt so he can look funny and popular by comparison.

Baconzgood September 19, 2012 at 11:10 am

I've noticed that Mitt's been in constant damage control ever since the etch-a-skech remark by his campaign. In all the elections for POTUS this has been the worst campaign I ever remember. It's just in tail spin mode everyday.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

It's fun to watch, but only if His Majesty The Melon Head really does lose come 11/6. The wider the margin, the better.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

It must be great to be in the Obama campaign with all Romney's gaffes. For them it's like shooting fish in a barrel, except all the fish are Plaxico Burress and all the Obama campaign has to do is kick back and enjoy eating fish.

Terry September 19, 2012 at 11:22 am

Well, Al Gore insisting on distancing himself from Big Dog and taking advice instead from Naomi Wolf instead was pretty darn bad. This is by far worse, however.

HogeyeGrex September 19, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Wooden as he was, it wasn't even close to Romney's robotitude. But yeah, running away from Clinton was a huge fuckup. In contrast, consigning the name Bush to the political oubliette is the one thing the Romneyites have done right.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

This campaign has been the culmination of all the bad *weeks* the worst campaigns of the past forty years have endured. I mean, jeez, Dukakis ran a shit campaign but even he still managed to zing a point or two off Bush the Elder (courtesy of Lloyd Bentsen and JFK, but what the hey?)

Romney's run one long "Kitty Dukakis question"…

StealthMuslin September 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Right now Paul Ryan must be crapping his gimp suit.

Dildeaux September 19, 2012 at 11:30 am

The gimp is asleep.

tracyhasfun September 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Time for the Ronnie hologram. Peggy apparently needs it, and honestly at this point, it can only help McMitt.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Over/under on percentage of tea partiers that would actually think Ronald Reagan had rose from the dead to save them: 56%

…I'll take the over.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 11:32 am

Mitt would probably greet him with "Nice glen plaid suit — you get that on sale at the upholstery outlet?" The man just can't help himself.

tracyhasfun September 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

Query–has anyone actually seen the purported hologram?

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 11:54 am

No — there was speculation that the hologram was the big surprise for the convention in Tampa. Turned out it was a gay guy* saying dumbass things to an empty chair — so they were close.

*Edit — typo.

keepwalkin September 19, 2012 at 11:11 am

Is there a problem with pooping in bed? I'm doing some research.

No, she realized, neither of those things would clear up Mitt’s constant dog-fucking and bed-shitting.

prommie September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

I love that picture of Christie. Damn what a fucking fat fuck.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 11:12 am

Get to the sexy part already!

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 11:14 am

Hello this is Peggy.How can I help you?

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:15 am

Did Nooners actualy get her nose done like that, or does it curl up from years of servicing small-dicked men?

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 11:36 am

yes

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

Oh, to make it easier to fake that they're satisfying.

elviouslyqueer September 19, 2012 at 11:17 am

Reagan in 1984 used to put out his hand: “Come too, come walk with me.” Come join, come help, whatever is happening in your life.

Ugh, Pegs. Step away from Sybian. Just step away.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 11:37 am

That person and that device should never enter a person's mind at the same time. Bad Elvis. Bad!!

Nibbler of Niblonia September 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

commie gurlz gone gonzo

MistaEko September 19, 2012 at 11:18 am

Hey, a Peggy Noonan post!

(stunned silence)

Jiiiimmmmm!!!!!!!!!!

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Actually, the final Newell Noonington post was a big fucking disappointment. I wrote a comment that was better.

Tom September 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

Now we see where Danny Noonan gets his mojo. NOONAN!

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

Pegs looks pretty good for a crypt keeper.

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

i don't know. that looks like a lot of paying your surgeon very well.

OKthennext September 19, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Looks like Peggers and the king of pop shared a surgeon.

cheetojeebus September 19, 2012 at 11:19 am

I hadn't realized she's a columnist for a Men's Adventure Magazine? http://tinyurl.com/9lhvsgb

Katydid September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

…an intervention is needed.

For Peggyington Nooningtonshire, or for Mittens?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 11:20 am

So this is now a Peggy Noonan fan fic blog?

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

http://ifuckedanncoulterintheass.blogspot.com

It's probably long gone by now, but there's your template, Trix!

Guppy September 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

"Now?"

SockBunny September 19, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Now? This is GO-TO for all the news about Dame Noonan!

Hunkered Down in Brooklyn September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Wait, was that a Maureen Dowd piece?

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I was thinking the same thing as I read the WSJ column.

pinkocommi September 19, 2012 at 11:21 am

Hey, Peggy… welcome to the hate Mitt party. But remember, we were here first.

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Where's the keg?

Weenus299 September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

"I think there is a broad and growing feeling now, among Republicans, that this thing is slipping out of Romney’s hands."

Do you know what else slipped out of Romney's Hands?

LibertyLover September 19, 2012 at 11:53 am

Rafalca?

Kid_Charlemagne September 19, 2012 at 11:24 am

This election has caused Noonan to permanently retire to her bed chamber where she rests quietly cradling one of Ronald Reagan's brogues to her chest and muttering to herself about "Dutch".

Weenus299 September 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

I wonder what Pegs did with that imaginary Ohio woman when she found out Romno was not what she'd imagine? "I wrote once," hyperlinked of course to another word salad of imagination and Midwestern American Orgy/Election Hijinks.

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 11:26 am

Is there something in the water down at Wonkette headquarters today? I'm sensing a long post trend….something coca-cola related?….

Pres.Beeblebrox September 19, 2012 at 11:27 am

I think there is a broad and growing feeling now, among Republicans, that this thing is slipping out of Romney’s hands.

Sayeth it, Ladye Peggye of Nooningtonshire! Forsooth, say ye unto us how ye Election wilt yet be lost by ye High Lorde Mittens of Hairgelle!

Weenus299 September 19, 2012 at 11:29 am

Fuck I just finished that long winding road. Lordy the only feeling I get is that the Pegster's locked herself in her Republibunker with cardboard Reagan cutouts spinning around on turntables, lit candles and all, and she doesn't emerge from this bunker until her Monstrosicolumns are by-dog writ good!

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 11:30 am

does anyone else worry this is too early for the pile on or is it just my lot in life to fret to the finish line.

alone.

Geminisunmars September 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

You are not alone. And when Romney wins, we can comfort each other.

Holy shit, I just shat on my mood.

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Never skip a pile on, and while you're in there, find something to bite. Makes 'em think later on.

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 1:13 pm
eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Not alone. One of us.

rickmaci September 19, 2012 at 11:32 am

Twitt gives us an hour long peek into the moral and intellectual decay of American Conservatards and they are all up in arms because all their nasty secrets are out in the open. Everything was laid out in that hour ; racism, hypocrisy, religious bigotry and most particularly, virulent elitism. Those are the "values" of the so called conservatives. May they burn in hell.

bflrtsplk September 19, 2012 at 11:35 am

Granted, Mitt is, was and always will be an unspeakable loser of epic proportion, but how does our dear Peg go around with the face she be wearin` in that photo up yonder.

freakishlywrong September 19, 2012 at 11:39 am

Fuck, had to run an errand, and come back and miss the best fucking headline since ever.

randcoolcatdaddy September 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

Gee, Peggy – tell us how you _really_ feel…

vaginista September 19, 2012 at 11:40 am

Dame Peggington packs a rod and she's not afraid to use it.

duh_du September 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

Goosebumps.

GunToting[Redacted] September 19, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Erhmagherd!

Guppy September 19, 2012 at 11:44 am

You have to be sophisticated to know that. And if you’re operating at the top of national politics, you’re supposed to be sophisticated.

2001-2009 just called…

mrblifil September 19, 2012 at 11:48 am

Also yesterday morning Joe Scarborough posited that perhaps Paul Krugman was right and that he Joe Scarborough had possibly miscalculated. What the fuck is even going on anymore?

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:24 pm

"It's like I'm taking crazy pills!"

owhatever September 19, 2012 at 11:50 am

She was trying to say Mitt vastly underestimated the number of moochers and lazy welfare queens. That it is really closer to 90 percent. She doesn't know any of them personally of course, but she must fly now because the martini is getting warm.

OKthennext September 19, 2012 at 11:51 am

Peggers wrote:

"Also, Mr. Romney’s ads are mostly boring. It’s kind of an achievement to be boring at a moment in history like this, so credit where it’s due: That musta taken effort!"

Bada bing!

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 11:55 am

I see Jeb sitting on his back porch, having finally lit up that Cubana he's been saving, letting it out in a long puff with thoughts of 2016 buzzing like sugar plums through his head: "Fucking Noonannnn…..

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 11:56 am

That is one unintentionally funny editorial.

As far as Mrs. Palin was concerned, Gwen Ifill was not there, and Joe Biden was not there. Sarah and the camera were there.

Truer words were never spoke, WSJ Editorial Board.

Schmannnity September 19, 2012 at 11:58 am

Especially since she has lately referred to Palin as a "nincompoop."

OKthennext September 19, 2012 at 11:58 am

I love Wall Street Journal fan fiction.

gullywompr September 19, 2012 at 11:58 am

And then she skullfucked him The end.

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 11:59 am

There's more than one way to skin a Nooningshire!

Exhausted66 September 19, 2012 at 11:59 am

Peg wrote of "an imagined rural Ohio woman sitting on her porch, watching the campaign go by. She’s 60, she identifies as conservative, she likes guns, she thinks the culture has gone crazy"

Wait, looking a the campaign or the mirror?

SockBunny September 19, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Thanks for distilling her loose bowels into a steaming, glistening pile of…pearls. Yes, that's it. Pearls.

larrykat September 19, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Lets pay a little homage to The Crystals here…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f20Oz9Yr_So

Chow Yun Flat September 19, 2012 at 12:26 pm

"That’s not how Republicans emerge victorious"

Dear Peggy Noonan,

Anyone else would have written "That's not how Republicans win"
Do you get paid by the word or the letter?
Fuck you.

Signed,

Your biggest fan

M. Bouffant September 19, 2012 at 6:12 pm

She's paid by the pretension.

octoberhill September 19, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Sounds like a posting by the Rude Pundit.

Tax'n Spend September 19, 2012 at 12:34 pm

This, Schoenkopf, was “genially ruthless.”
I bow to thee.

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

And here's a piece of Cake:

As they speed thru the finish the flags go down.
The fans get up, and get out of town.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.

Sharkey September 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Every time the Republicans do that, because that's not where they live and it's not what they're good at, they blow it.

HouseOfTheBlueLights September 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I read that whole thing in a Hollywood Nazi accent.

JohnnyQuick September 19, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Stay Gold, Rebecca. Your Jim Thompson Peg is a delightful successor to Newell (RIP)'s Lady Peggington.

ffredpalakon September 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The take on Peggy Noonan as an old-time crime boss, like Ma Greeny out of Requiem For A Heavyweight was brilliant. Kudos. I'll be doing pale imitations of this, in my head, the rest of the day.

"Get me my crowbar," she said to one of the many boys she always had about her, all a little awkward, all quite sadistic, always looking a little too long at another boy before suddenly realizing to look at the girl nearby instead. "Get me my crowbar. The one with George Will's blood on it."

deangarr September 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Mark McKinnon, Republican strategist and Bush campaign aide, wrote the following today:

"I loved Michelle Obama’s line in her speech: 'A presidency reveals who you are.' So do campaigns. And mark me down as one Republican not happy with what is being revealed about Mitt Romney.

MiniMencken September 19, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I bet this post would be super-funny if I had some sort of clue as to what it is referring to, apart from Peggy Noonan.

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 2:42 am

If you don't know, you haven't been watching the news even one day of this week.

AlterNewt September 19, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Rebecca. Kitchen counter. Right now.

EDIT/ That was a compliment. Did it sound like a compliment? Because it was meant to be a compliment.

zippy_w_pinhead September 19, 2012 at 2:47 pm

While she's right about what a loser Mitt is, the Pegster is also missing the big picture here- conservatism hasn't been "a great political philosophy" for decades. While it arguably was once a legitimate voice in the national debate, these days it has devolved into a pathetic circle jerk of white resentment and wallowing in hatred of "the other", especially if that other resides a rung or two below them on the economic ladder, all fed and nursed by heartless sociopaths who manipulate this seething anger to fill their pocketbooks. The trouble with Romney is he is the epitome of today's GOP. He's not the problem, he's a symptom…

Smithboy September 19, 2012 at 3:18 pm

This is a woman who said of investigating torture conducted by our military that sometimes it is "Just better to whistle while you walk past the graveyard."

Translation…it's better not to ask questions. What a journalist!

Chet Kincaid_ September 19, 2012 at 3:55 pm
redarmyzombie September 19, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Rebecca…that was beautiful…It literally has brought tears to my eyes…

archikvetch September 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

She wails for ideas but only gives stage directions…that rally in New York, New York (named it twice – oh the gimlet-eyed wit!) with Chris Christie… genius! I see Dianna Vreeland – "Zebras! That's it! I need Zebras!" Oh ho – DANCING Zebras!

snarkusbachmann September 19, 2012 at 5:50 pm

If Mitt really wants to voters to think he is the second-coming of Reagan, I don't see why right now wouldn't be a great time to announce he has Alzheimer's.

glamourdammerung September 19, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Lucille Bluth is looking a bit haggard lately.

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 6:01 pm

Memo to Ms. Noonan: Charles Krauthammer wants his shriveled old cobwebby penis back.

ChickTract_Fil_A September 19, 2012 at 8:14 pm

I await the Frank Miller graphic novel coming out Nov 6th.

lulzmonger September 20, 2012 at 12:14 am

Dear Sweet Cthulhu, our Peggers Of Nooningtonhamshirewood unit has GONE ROGUE!

CRITICAL DAMAGE!

Negropolis September 20, 2012 at 2:28 am

Where's supposed to have a boner after reading this, right?

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 6:26 pm

I just realized my scrotum is more attractive than Lady Noonington's face, even on a cold day.

crybabyboehner September 21, 2012 at 1:33 pm

A "jockey who rode Seabiscuit and thought they won a race" – she must have been lookin' in the mirror.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

I'm surpereyesed they-re not li*hic*-quid

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Little kids taunt other kids about how much more taxes THEY pay because they do't buy their school supplies on stupid TAX FREE DAYS…

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