Romney Campaign Has Sad

You guys, I really fucked the dogThe Romney campaign is so sad, you guys! They know the whole campaign has been one bed-shitting after another, and that their candidate is worse than Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain and Christine O’Donnell combined, because of those three at least one (Christine O’Donnell) does not make it a habit to insult people to their faces. (Terrifying bridge troll Newton does, of course, but Smooth Herm only insults ladies, by grabbing their pudendae when they are asking for jobs.) So the campaign knows this, and now they are all at the “whining to reporters” stage, and the “cussing at reporters” stage (they were there long ago, of course), and the calling the campaign “a vulgar, unprintable phrase” stage. (“Dog-fuck,” probably.) Let us read more, our hearts filled with tea and sympathy!

Sing out, NYT:

A palpably gloomy and openly frustrated mood has begun to envelop Mr. Romney’s campaign for president. Well practiced in the art of lurching from public relations crisis to public relations crisis, his team seemed to reach its limit as it digested a ubiquitous set of video clips that showed their boss candidly describing nearly half of the country’s population as government-dependent “victims,” and saying that he would “kick the ball down the road” on the biggest foreign policy challenge of the past few decades, the Palestinian-Israeli peace process.

Grim-faced aides acknowledged that it was an unusually dark moment, made worse by the self-inflicted, seemingly avoidable nature of the wound. In low-volume, out-of-the-way conversations, they are now wondering whether victory is still possible and whether they are entering McCain-Palin ticket territory.

No, grim-faced Sads. You are well past McCain-Palin ticket territory; you have entered Reagan/Mondale territory, and despite all appearances, you are not Reagan. Saaad trombone!

Aides did little to hide their annoyance: on Tuesday night, a Romney aide cursed loudly as he tried to corral reporters into an impromptu news conference in Costa Mesa, Calif.

Mr. Romney himself seemed pensive on the early-morning flight Tuesday from California to Utah, sitting alone with a white legal pad and a pen as he picked at a vegetarian breakfast burrito. An aide said that he had eaten dinner alone in his hotel room the night before as the video controversy began to unfold.

There has never been more tragedy in one place than when Mitt Romney dined on a vegetarian burrito alone.

Here, Mitt Romney, we made you a picture, because we are liberals and we are pained by your pain. Feel better soon! Stop fucking the dog!

Feel Better, Mitt Romney!
hope you feel better soon pictures


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. Serolf_Divad

      Seriously, on days like these with their un-ending avalanche of disasters for the Romney team, firing up Wonkette is a bit like waking up to find that last night you went home with someone whose name you remember for a change, and who you've actually been wanting to be with for a long time.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        I am also detecting a note of buttsecks, and hmm (swishes, spits) is that leather? Oh and a definite peppery undercurrent of poop jokes!

        Oh god, please tell me that was a wine sample.

  1. no_gravity

    Mittens haz a sad because he thought this was going to be handed to him like everything else in his life.

    1. eggsacklywright

      Cheney was easy to cheer up in situations like this. All it took was a basket of kittens. Mittz will require a semi-trailer full of Benjamins. His billionaire backers might not be too happy with their return on investment.

    2. miss_grundy

      Because he believes he is "entitled" to the office of the Presidency, just like the forty-seven percenters he believes are entitled to….(you guys know the rest)….

    3. tessiee

      Dumbass was the same way.
      They both look baffled when anybody expects them to say anything or do anything, and both clearly think that the Presidency, like anything else they've decided that they want, is their rightful due.

    1. miss_grundy

      I wonder, did the breakfast burrito come from MacDonalds? Or did he have his own chef whip it up in the galley kitchen of his campaign jet?????

    2. sewollef

      "The Dark Night of the Vegetarian Breakfast Burrito", probably not coming to your town anytime soon.

      But I hear it does star Johnny Depp and Kate Winslett.

  2. Serolf_Divad

    Bah, there's nothing afflicting the Romney campaign that can't be swiftly corrected by going on TV and declaring: "I am not a witch."

    Come on, Mitt. Just do it so we can put all this unpleasantness behind us.

    1. Terry

      That would actually be better than either of his realistic options, which are: 1. say that you don't really believe that 47% stuff and were just saying it to get money out of those donors, or 2. say that you really believe that 47% of the country including the elderly and the working poor are mooches who suffer from a victim mentality.

      By declaring himself not a witch, he'd totally change the subject and get people debating whether he was nuts or not.

        1. tessiee

          4. Release Rapey Eyes Ryan from whatever basement they've got him chained up in, and let him make one of his patented offensive remarks about three seconds afterwards.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        And don't forget the discriminatory voter ID laws. (Can't have the blacks, browns, poors voting!) Too. Also.

      1. Serolf_Divad

        Yup, and I can't WAIT for the moment (not to far from now) when frightened House GOP members start treating Romney the way a cheating husband treats his ex-mistress after he's been caught and is desperately trying to salvage the remains of his crumbling marriage.

          1. NellCote71

            It will be an even stranger convention in 2016 when they still won't have any party standard bearers to trot out. Except for the holograms of a very dead Reagan, of course.

  3. ChernobylSoup

    There has never been more tragedy in one place than when Mitt Romney dined on a vegetarian burrito alone.

    This is so good, Rebecca.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      I don't know… Last night my son and I dined on burritos at Filiberto's and there was a tweaker in there playing death metal on the juke box for us and the 2 middle-aged Hispanic men chatting in Spanish. It was pretty tragic watching him lurch around.

  4. actor212

    In low-volume, out-of-the-way conversations, they are now wondering whether victory is still possible and whether they are entering McCain-Palin ticket territory.

    Dudes, you should have had that conversation back in May, man.

    1. Terry

      He might be in better shape if he'd actually picked Palin as his running mate. At least she'd be distracting everyone from what Mitt was saying.

  5. Texan_Bulldog

    Yay, Blingee is back. Poor Mittens, how could he know half the population would not take kindly to being called mooching parasites?

        1. GunToting[Redacted]

          I'm listening to him pant on Morning Edition right now. Cognitive dissonance never sounded so good.

          1. Gleem McShineys

            Man I enjoyed that. Yes, Squared Eric, conservaturds SHOULD start owning up to their beliefs in public, for a change!

    1. Serolf_Divad

      But will she sigh a lot in feigned disappointment like she does whenever she offers advice on how to fix Obama's imagined problems?

  6. actor212

    Mr. Romney himself seemed pensive on the early-morning flight Tuesday from California to Utah, sitting alone with a white legal pad and a pen as he picked at a vegetarian breakfast burrito.

    He should be on suicide watch.

    1. Terry

      Do Mormon's have rules about suicide? If he kills himself, he may not get his own planet. Additionally, his wife won't get into heaven as he is solely responsible for her fate in the afterlife.

        1. HELisforHEL

          "Eleven of those were between the ages of 0-9 years of age."

          Wait, how, what, why…
          Even 9 year olds see through the grifter facade their belief system is based on?

      1. tessiee

        "his wife won't get into heaven as he is solely responsible for her fate in the afterlife."

        Like in that really bad movie, "What Dreams May Come".

      1. actor212

        That would imply some of his aides are passionate about the man and his campaign.

        I wouldn't buy that if it came with whore diamonds. Free whore diamonds. From the whore-diamondiest mine in WhoreDiamondville.

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          True. Andrea Saul & Tara Wall have given it valiant efforts but I suspect Kevin Madden is just trying out for a Fox gig in December.

    2. Veritas78

      "Stewardess, direct the pilot to crash this plane. No, you can't get out first—it's my plane. Now do as you're told, or I'll dock your pay."

  7. ChernobylSoup

    Romney's reason for running for President is akin to Edmund Hillary's motivation for climbing that hill, so it's really shouldn't be that big a deal to him that he's sucking so badly.

    1. SorosBot

      Last night's Daily Show was great, and Ferguson had a good time with Mitt's remarks too, while Letterman had Obama on and the President mocked the shit out of Mitt's remarks. This has been a great gift to comedians.

      1. Barbara_

        I watched Ed, Rachel and then Lawrence on MSNBC last night and enjoyed every moment of it. Rachel gave a Wonkette shout out, bonus.

  8. memzilla

    Every Rethuglican Congressman should be pilloried with commercials that show them as standing firmly behind rMoney and his statements. Forcing them to either deny that they stand with their candidate, or to endorse what rMoney has said.

  9. Jerri


    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah *breathe* hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. *picked at a vegetarian burrito!* Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahhhahhhahahahahhahahah. Wheew!

    I know there's a long way to go and doing a victory lap before actually winning the thing seems like a great way to jinx it, BUT if I may "live in the moment" for a second, right now this is just about the most gleeful I've ever felt about an election and I'm loving it.

  10. docterry6973

    Heart filled with tea? Well that could be my problem right there. Though it is more likely filled with coffee after staying up to the wee hours reading Wonkette snark.

  11. mavenmaven

    I'm waiting for Paul Ryan to turn down the offer of being vice presidential candidate. With a loser at the helm, gotta have a quitter, too.

  12. memzilla

    Oh Mittens… this is the worst example of generalship since Pharoah said: "Forward, men, into the temporarily dry sea!"

  13. neiltheblaze

    A vegetarian breakfast burrito?? What kind of elitist ass bullshit is that?! If he were a REAL 'Murikan he'd have BEEF – with extra cheese.


    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I thought that, too. Chorizo, man….or at least bacon! No one here would even know what a vegetarian breakfast burrito was.

  14. Mahousu

    Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain and Christine O’Donnell combined

    What's the three-way we'd like least to see, Alex?

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Ryan: That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?
    Romney: Maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don't we try that?

  16. MumbletyX

    Late at night after Ann's asleep, when the demons of self-doubt would drown out any last shred of restraint or resolve: Mitt's negotiations with himself break down and he skulks to the basement to clandestinely chug a can of Mister Pibb and scarf down a half a bag of Nestle® morsels.

    1. tessiee

      "skulks to the basement to clandestinely chug a can of Mister Pibb"

      As long as it wasn't Dr. Pepper.
      THOSE guys are anti-Christian, you know!
      Oh, wait…

  17. Steverino247

    Look at the bright side: Mitt Romney is the best candidate the Republicans could put forward for President.

    1. actor212

      You think Chris Christie is putting down the donut and laughing a little each morning, marveling at his luck? Cuz I do. He still has four years to lose weight

    2. qwerty42

      Look at the bright side: Mitt Romney is the best candidate the Republicans could put forward for President.
      True. The primaries were an all-clown circus. Cripes, when Barry and Hillz went at it, it was tough, and you felt Barry came away better and stronger for it. The circus this year just highlighted how crazy the Republicans have become. Romney became the least-disliked candidate left.

      1. tessiee

        I agree that he was the least disliked candidate, but that was relative to Newt and Frothy — and even so, I get the feeling that the other Republicans don't like him much.

      2. HELisforHEL

        Watching the majority of that clown car raise their hands when asked if they believed that Evolution was merely a theory, and therefore not valid (I forget how the question was framed) should have sent shockwaves to anyone with a functioning brain. The idea that that crew was the best they could assemble would be laughable on Smart World, where we clearly do not live.

        We have to remain vigilant, there are still too many stupids and olds who will vote R. So you youngins' out there– please do not get complacent and think you don't have to put down the roach and that bag of Cheetos for 20 minutes and go vote.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    One of my own personal definitions of "funny" is "when bad shit happens to people I don't like."


  19. Harrison Wintergreen

    Well past McCain/Palin territory and lurching* into McGovern/Eagleton Shriver territory.

    *see what I did there?

  20. smashedinhat

    You have to admit, this has been pretty a spectacular fail. But I know team Mittens will rise from the ashes to fail again. Pleasepleaseplease!

  21. cassamandra

    Did you call Niall Ferguson? He's really perplexed that Obama's leading in the polls. He thinks it's probably because folks lie to pollsters.

  22. arihaya

    May be Mitt hired his campaign staff like he hired for his company.

    Minimum wage, no welfare, no paid leave, non unionized campaign staff AND he expected them to do the job well. Good luck with that suckers.

  23. ManchuCandidate

    Oh Mittens, you thought that your destiny was to complete what Daddy couldn't do and become the first mormoni preznit… creating a dynasty for the ages (I'm guessing a thousand years–a common theme among wingnuts for some reason.) Instead you've become the worst candidate since another Masshole put a tank helmet on his head.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Asked about the gender gap contributing to a tight race, particularly in swing states like Colorado, Ann Romney replied that Romney does not need to be President. She said that Mitt Romney is running because he thinks he can help people, particularly women. “This is a guy who doesn’t need to do this for a job,” she said.

      Mission accomplished, Ann. Mission. Accomplished.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        "What you people don't understand is that Mitt is trying to do you a favor! Mitt could live a thousand years and never have to earn another dime. He bothers with you because he cares!"

      2. Limeylizzie

        I really dislike this woman, I know she has MS, but she would have to be crippled and in a wheelchair for me to have any sympathy for her, plus she needs some gays to do her hair/make-up and wardrobe.

        1. tessiee

          Anybody who doesn't like or agree with Ann Romney for any reason, or refers to her with anything other than fawning praise, is attacking all disabled people everywhere.
          You know, like it was with He Who Shall not be Named.

    2. 415buzzard

      My husband tells me that in England "cunt" is not really such a bad name? Somehow I think it fits Ann Romney pretty well though. I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the beginning of this thing, but each time she opens her mouth I start to hate on her a little more….

      1. Biff

        It's a far more fitting epithet for Mrs. Mittens than "fanny", which also does not mean what we think it means, in USAmerica.

          1. viennawoods13

            A (female, straight) student of mine just used "twatmuncher" as a password on a site we use. I think I need to have a chat with her. Maybe she doesn't know I can see the passwords.

  24. superdave

    Awww, poor Mitt. I know what will cheer him up. Rent a house in the Hamptons, hire a gaggle of leggy Russian models and go full Bunga Bunga! Well, I know that would cheer me up.

  25. Yellerdawg

    I don't know if it was purposeful or not, but giving free reign to the birthers, freepers and other assorted crazies for the last four years has certainly inoculated the public against the noise machine. If I were a strategist, I would be running to take credit for letting the crackpot talking heads scream themselves silly in the right wing echo chamber until everyone outside of it decided they were nuts. As a matter of fact, I do hereby take credit for it. Pay me.

  26. e_z

    "What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! " – Senator Blutarsky

    Fire up the Death Mobile, I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part and Mitt's boyz are just the one's to do it..

  27. Eve8Apples

    "There has never been more tragedy in one place than when Mitt Romney dined on a vegetarian burrito alone."

    If he was Latino, he would enjoy his burrito much more.

  28. fuflans

    There has never been more tragedy in one place than when Mitt Romney dined on a vegetarian burrito alone.

    this is just like that one time when our ambassador got assassinated in libya and also when ralfaca lost the olympics.

  29. azeyote

    i want to see him – fuck the dog – hey i might even vote for him if the dog was on top. of the ticket i mean

    1. tessiee

      Herman Cain has virtually no taste buds left after years of eating shitty pizza, and one look at Newt tells you he eats anything.

  30. cheetojeebus

    Folks, We're witnessing history in the making here. 10 years from now, they'll look back and say, " Holy Fuck! We dodged a fuckin bullet! "

  31. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    The problem is that unlike all of us victims, Mitt has never been held down by multiple bullies and had his hair forcibly cut off. You bounce back from that in fighting trim.

  32. MilwaukeeKent

    It's sad really, his upbringing never prepared him for real life. It's like a chimpanzee raised in captivity all it's life, suddenly being released into the wild to fend for itself. One day it walks into a clearing to greet a human being and it turns out to be a bush-meat hunter. I believe these animals are referred to as "Naives".

    1. Veritas78

      And won't that be an awkward moment at Campaign HQ: "But we need you to campaign in North Carolina and Ohio this week. You campaigned in Janesville last week, and the week before that."

  33. Beanball

    This guy is screwing up so badly that even the fascist commenters on that foul cesspool of the Intertoobz, the notorious 4chan/pol/, are hanging their heads in pre-defeat.

  34. randcoolcatdaddy

    One Republican frustrated Republican consultant said in one of the articles I read recently that "the Democrats are running Jimmy Carter and the Republicans are running Thomas Dewey".

    Actually, the Dems are running Obama. The Republicans are running Charles Montgomery Burns.

  35. ttommyunger

    Barb and I have been enjoying a tweet-off on this subject: I suggested that Mitt's Olympic expertise has been shining through, especially in the Marksmanship Arena: shooting oneself in the foot. And Gymnastics: stuffing one's own feet in one's mouth. She replied that this is a "Slalom" Occasion in that he is certainly going downhill according to the "poles". She also mentioned "Diving" as a possibility and I suggested Running in any of the Races was probably not a winning proposition for him this time. We are continuing to "Wrestle" with this theme, but my quiver is empty.

    1. tessiee

      I think that if Mitt were proficient at "diving", Ann woudn't have such a pissy expression on her face all the time.

        1. tessiee

          He probably eats that with a knife and fork, too — smirking that smirk and doing that self-conscious "heh heh" chuckle the entire time.

          1. ttommyunger

            Shirley, you jest (you don't mind if I call you Shirley?). I firmly believe he considers pussy “unclean”.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  36. YasserArraFeck

    Don't look in your rear view Mitt – that brown stuff drooling down the window is what's left of your presidential aspirations. What a Seamus….

    1. HELisforHEL

      I agree. I worry about people deciding there's no need to get to the polls come 11/06.

      Unless, of course, I'm discussing the fools who will still vote for Mittens.

    1. oenspiek

      Was this Vegetarian Burrito business for realz? Aren't Repubs supposed to eat only meat, with an occasional spud? If true, it's liable to tick off his base.

      1. HELisforHEL

        Nah, they still have that corporate tool boastful loud-talker, biceps-curls-only workout asshole contingent in their corner, the ones trying to stay in some form of fighting trim for the office tag-football game, so they can bag the ditzy blonde in HR.
        You know, all the duuuudes just like Paul Ryan.

      2. YasserArraFeck

        Remember that "The Base" never really liked Mittens anyway. The wuss speaks French, fer Gawd's sake.

  37. rickmaci

    Before we all start doing a happy dance on the sidelines, keep in mind we have 7 weeks to play and the Dems have a peculiar penchant for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Focus people focus.

  38. kingcocrazy

    Please let me know when his political grave has officially been dug. I want to first in line to piss on it.

  39. Living in Joy

    I think the vegetarian burrito is a play for the Hispanic Organic (or vicey versy) vote. Let's face it. He could have had Cheerios, but no, he went THERE.

  40. Bonghits4Jesus

    I'll be knockin' the taco jockeys off the rich people's lawns. And before they wake up,… Mitt will be gone!

  41. mustangsavvy

    "An aide said that he had eaten dinner alone in his hotel room the night before as the video controversy began to unfold."

    ……wondering, as he stared forlornly out the window….trying to drown out Wolf Blitzer's incessant bleating, why oh why he didn't just let Ann do all the talking?


  42. Kwachie

    I hope he doesn't cry. When Republican men cry I get an overwhelming urge to put on pointy-toed shoes, kick them really hard in the nuts and punch their tear-streaked booger-nosed quivery lipped faces over and over again with my tiny little balled up fists.

  43. usuhname

    Schadenfreude has never felt so good – at least partly because millions of people are less likely to suffer under his tyrannical brand of plutocratic idiocy. Also, because he's a jerk.

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