WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?  12:35 pm September 19, 2012

Rick Perry Totally Going To Fight Satan Now

by Doktor Zoom

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Really, not a single friggin' clue.Demented pill addict and mannequin afficionado Rick Perry, who is still Governor of the State of Texas for reasons that modern science cannot explain, would still like to be Commander in Chief of something, even if it’s not the United States. In a teleconference with wingnut pastor Rick Scarborough, Perry called on “Christian warriors” to engage in “spiritual warfare” against that most Satanic of foes, the Constitution of the United States. Of course, Perry claims to like the Constitution a whole bunch; he thinks the real enemy is a “growing tide of secularism and atheism” that has spread the false notion that the establishment clause of that document somehow mandates “separation of church and state.” Clear enough?

Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting which, while timed to coincide with this fall’s election, is very definitely not political, because then it would not be tax-exempt. Scarborough, one of the participants in Perry’s 2011 Jesuspalooza rally and the author of a book titled Liberalism Kills Kids, also hopes to save America with upcoming telechats with other non-political spiritual figures such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, who, like Perry, are elected Christianists who warn that Christianity has been wholly excluded from American political life.

In a rambling word salad of Dominionist talking points, Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.” In fact, he said, the Constitution is based upon “Judeo-Christian values” (a term coined in the 1820s, but never mind), and the notion of separation of church and state only arose in the 1960s, which is apparently when Thomas Jefferson lived. Perry also warned that an invisible demon is literally to blame for this state of affairs:

We have a biblical responsibility to be involved in the public arena proclaiming God’s truth. The idea that we should be sent to the sidelines I would suggest to you is very driven by those who are not truthful, Satan runs across the world with his doubt and with his untruths and what have you and one of the untruths out there is driven—is that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena.

Perry went on to explain the necessity of engaging in “spiritual warfare” to save America:

you think about this spiritual warfare that’s going on and [inaudible] going strong as President Obama and his cronies in Washington continue their efforts to remove any trace of religion from American life. It falls on us, we truly are Christian warriors, Christian soldiers, and for us as Americans to stand our ground and to firmly send a message to Washington that our nation is about more than just some secular laws.

Thank goodness for stand your ground laws, which will allow Christians to defend themselves from the hoodie-wearing Atheist In Chief with his Skittles of Oppression and his Iced Tea of Secularism! Rick Perry will save us from the Constitution, which is apparently just “some secular laws.”

[Right Wing Watch]

 
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{ 183 comments }

nounverb911 September 19, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Bet you $10,000 he loses.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 12:38 pm

“40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting which

Coincidentally, also the length of the current Texan drought, right at harvest time.

BONUS: Texans would lose weight.

LIT_Fag September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I'm sure a Tejans' definition of fasting is not eating
vegetables

Boojum September 20, 2012 at 8:49 am

OK, would you believe 40 minutes of fasting, between snacks?

weejee September 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

And doG so loved the world she gave us Maxwell's equations, and we saw the light, and all wuz good.

GeorgiaBurning September 19, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Next on FOX and Friends- Rick Perry discusses vector calculus..

weejee September 19, 2012 at 2:39 pm

I've read some serious silly sauce here on the Wonkette Georgia, but that has to be the most rediculose posting I've ever read. Well played!

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Rick Perry is an intellectual genius in Texas.

JustPixelz September 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

And in the Repubican Party. He makes Sarah Palin™ look like a .. um … um … person who's mental abilities are … um … um … slowed down.

BartStarrland September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I asked a lawyer friend of mine about Scalia. He gave me the best backhanded insult that I use regularly now – "he's a dumb person's idea of a smart person"

iburl September 19, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Fuck You, he's a moron.

nounverb911 September 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Which of the ten plagues is next for Texas?

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"Hi, I'm Michele Bachmann, and I'm running for Kaye Bailey Hutchinson's seat"

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Believe me, she'd be an improvement over that Ted Cruz lunatic that's probably going to win.

Texan_Bulldog September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Probably? I don't even know the Dem's name who is running against him. Have TX Dems just completely given up on the US Senate? (I know–silly question.)

HistoriCat September 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I know it's not much but the Harris County Democratic party actually had someone knock on our door to make sure we were going to vote and they had hand-outs promoting the down-ballot races. That has never happened to me before- maybe in another twenty years we can have hope!

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I think they are just going to let David Dewhurst or Tom Leppert run in the Democrat slot.

Actually: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paul_Sadler
Since we haven't had a Democratic candidate win a statewide election since Ann Richards left office, I don't hold out a lot of hope.

pdiddycornchips September 19, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If he wins, which Republican Senator will be the first to mistake him for a janitor and ask him to clean the bathroom?

ChernobylSoup September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Critical thinking.

Dogless_Heathen September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Let me be the first to say
"All of 'em, Katie!"

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 1:40 pm

A swarm of honey-badgers.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.”

He really hates the Founding Deists, doesn't he?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

If those founders were half as good at building a gubmint as they were at banging their slaves we wouldn't be in this predicament with our Kenyan-socialist-illegal immigrant President in the first place.

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I give up. All I want to do is post a comment expressing my personal disdain for the founding deists in conjunction with the current predicament with Nobama…and the mods will not let this happen. WTF?!?!

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 1:04 pm

He would if he remembered their names.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

They just put things in motion and then walked away, so we don't have to worry about them.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 19, 2012 at 12:40 pm

But. But. But. Who will save us from Mormon Jesus?

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Obamaz.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Allah?

HistoriCat September 19, 2012 at 1:39 pm

There's never any love for Buddha. But that's fine – he doesn't mind.

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Rouse up the poor in brain and the unshaven, for these shall be votes and spare change also…

ChernobylSoup September 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

It's just not nice to set God up for failure like this.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Yea, he might, I dunno, send a tornado or something…

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Or a drought.

Oh, wait.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Everyone knows God vacations in the fall for a month at least on the Rivera.

YouBetcha September 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

What's he gonna do? Light a match under his chin and fashion a flame-thrower from his breath?

Schmannnity September 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

How does he feel about the separation of mosque and state?

OKthennext September 19, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Separated by a continent and an ocean is fine.

PuckStopsHere September 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I can't say which bible these guys are reading from, but mine tells me God commands us to help the poor. It specifically says that whatever you do to the least of us you do to Him. Do the repubics now believe that feeding the hungry and clothing the naked is one of their values and hence one of their responsibilities? Because a couple of days ago I believe their candidate for president essentially called them freeloaders and wrote them off entirely.

actor212 September 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

The Dominionists basically shuffled the Bible until Ezekiel ends up just before Acts and they skip the whole "ministry" part.

Shypixel September 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Silly Puck, Mitt isn't Christian…

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

These are the Old Testament Christians.

mrpuma2u September 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Rethuglicans say that part of the bible sucks and is for pussies.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

The Bible only wants individuals to engage in private acts of charity. Any gummint action to help the poor creates dependency and is of the Devil.

Also, God wants you to be rich. But not you.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 19, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I'd reply to this, but my period just started, which means I have to leave town for a week.

Biblical law > just secular law

finette_ September 19, 2012 at 6:54 pm

As my lapsed-Jew college religion professor said, "WHERE are the buses? I don't see any buses!!!"

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Dude lives in Austin. He should really try and get out a little more often.

JohnnyQuick September 19, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Yeah. He can have a night on the town with his… wife?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I love when sitting governors get all religiousy. Makes me want to have a constitutional scalia-style-original-intent orgasm all over my keyboard.

Shypixel September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

You know what? Fuck Rick Perry. Fuck him right in the ear.

I am so tired of this shit, I can't be bothered to think up something witty.

Tom September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

In Perry They Trust

Toomush_Infer September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Is that like render unto Ceasar?….

NellCote71 September 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Salad dressing libel.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 12:58 pm

You spelled "thrust" wrong.

sudsmckenzie September 19, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"40 days of prayer and fasting". ummm isn't that Ramadan?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Fuck. Barack HUSSEIN NOoObama has gotten to Rick Perry. There's clearly no hope for the rest of us.

NellCote71 September 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Sleeper cell libel.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

No, those slacker Muslims only do it for 30 days. Jeezus is 33-1/3% better!

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I gave being a Catholic so I wouldn't have to pretend to do that shit during Lent.

HRH_Maddie September 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Funny, I gave up being Catholic for Lent, for Jesus.

whatever_dc September 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

no — Ramadan is shorter. it's Lent.

Mary_Hayes September 21, 2012 at 9:26 am

As of today, we're 45 days from the election. "God's People" had better start fasting and put away the Chick-fil-A NOW.

And nothing but water. None of that "liquids only including Ensure and chocolate milkshakes" dodge.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I suggest that Goodhair make a video and post it on YouTube. Those seem to get a lot of attention

Misty Malarky September 19, 2012 at 12:44 pm

The big news that Jesus was totally bonin' Mary Magdalene (just like Scorsese said!) may be screwing with his mind.

PubOption September 19, 2012 at 4:06 pm

"Let wicked people swell up…". Discuss with reference to Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh.

FakaktaSouth September 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting"

If Rick Perry wants to starve himself for Jesus, I am fine with that. Really. Fast away dipshit, just never stop.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

The only downside to Rick Perry fasting is that he'll have more time to use his piehole to talk.

billy_reuben September 20, 2012 at 5:39 am

Good point. For that reason, I think we should speak with a unified voice, calling on him to stick to a steady diet of poisoned rat dicks.

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Rick Perry needs to fall off of his flat earth. And take Bachmann (Shelly only so Marcus can finally be free) and Santorum with him.

MonkeyHamlet September 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

What Would Mrs. Jesus Do?

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Blasphemer!!!11!!11. Jeebus was gay.

MonkeyHamlet September 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Maybe he was Messiah-curious?

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

In some renditions, Jesus is depicted with a beard; and some not.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm
sewollef September 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Wait a minute. This papyrus, claiming to "quote Jesus mentioning his wife" is dated 4th century, which in turn is thought to maybe be taken from a 2nd century Greek text.

And they're claiming this is somehow proof. Proof of what?

It still means it was written around 100-200 years after this Jesus person is alleged to have said it, right?

Are they nuts?

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Well that's better than the gospels, which are still supposed to somehow prove that Jesus person actually existed.

MonkeyHamlet September 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Is this the Wonkette equivalent of bible study?

eggsacklywright September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Turn the other cheese.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Satan, huh? Your move, Church Lady.

Lucidamente1 September 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a Censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth. –Thomas Jefferson.

Oops.

Callyson September 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Exactly!

HRH_Maddie September 19, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I don't want to nitpick, but Obama isn't an atheist. He's muslin.

One_who_wanders September 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I think according to those who oppose him his is an atheist on M, W and F, a Muslim on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and goes to Reverend Wright's anti-American Trinity United on Sunday. He really is all things to all people.

HRH_Maddie September 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Still beats being a magic-underwear-wearing Mormon 7 days a week. (sorry mormon wonketteers!)

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Mormon Wonketteers? That would be something, wouldn't it?

I'm surprised we haven't chased away the few standard normal protestant Xians among us, with all the mean, catty things we say about their God.

We do still have a few Episc and Methodist commenters among us, don't we?

CommieLibunatic September 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

A gay muslin who eats pork, at that. FUCKIN' ARABS HOW DO THEY WORK

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Eats pork, and brews and drinks his own beer; weird.

jzgplj September 19, 2012 at 3:59 pm

That's a lovely fabric, ya know.

Mary_Hayes September 21, 2012 at 9:27 am

A muslin POTUS. Nonsense. Our President would be percale.

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

This is a perfect example of why they don't want to teach critical thinking skills in Texas.

ManchuCandidate September 19, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Will it be on pay per view and will be a better fight than Silva vs Sonnen?

PinkoPopulist September 19, 2012 at 12:57 pm

We might be the only 2 people here who understand what you're talking about.

mavenmaven September 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Nothing like embarking upon a bloody crusade to save kids lives. Works every time, just like the original children's crusade or the Iraq war.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

"…President Obama and his cronies in Washington…"

If Obummerz had any cronies in Washington we'd have a Public Option and the American Jobs Act, and the fiscal cliff would not be looming. Also. Too.

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Two hundred-thirty-some years later, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson is doing a facepalm.

Fox n Fiends September 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Just wait until President Romney forces Texas to adopt the Book of Mormon as required reading in kindergarten.

Sue4466 September 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Well, given the outstanding success of his pray away the drought, I can totally see this working . . .

Schmannnity September 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Fighting Satan? This is bad news for Dick Cheney.

Comrade Wingtardd September 19, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I'd love to see a Cheney / Perry deathmatch. Cheney with his 12 ga. and Perry with his .44 magnum with laser sight and scope … it could only turn out badly, by which I mean good.

YouFail4eva September 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Don't worry! Dick can just shoot him in the face!

LesBontemps September 19, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Nice try, Rick Perry, but you gotta work pretty hard to out-stupid Mitt this week!

1stNewtontheMoon September 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Little Known Fact: Rick Perry graduated No. 1 at the Texas A&M Center for Constitutional Law.

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Class of 1?

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Class of 0.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Fuck. What an easy school!

Comrade Wingtardd September 19, 2012 at 1:34 pm

TX actually has some good schools. But like Louisiana, everyone leaves the state after attending them.

SayItWithWookies September 19, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Spiritual warfare? Is that what sissies do to pretend they're tough? This is why, in that work of fiction about the Jesus fellow he told people to do their weeping and supplication in private — because it's so fucking unseemly when a sissy-ass, half-wit narcissistic shit of a governor does it in public.

MonkeyHamlet September 19, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Maybe after 40 days of fasting there'll be a lot fewer of them. Can they drink Kool-Aid during that time?

chicken_thief September 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Is that "One Shot, One Kill" Jeebus hiking up Niggerhead to do him some huntin'?

ph7 September 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

The real enemy is a “growing tide of secularism and atheism”

He's right about that. Thank you, internet. Kids stuck in jesus belt cocoons, with a click of a mouse, can now see outside the box their parents have deliberately placed them in. Every kid who ever heard a bible story initially thinks "this is bullshit", but parents remind them that they believed this bullshit, and, goddamit, they will, too. But then that kid just clicks that mouse again…

Lascauxcaveman September 19, 2012 at 1:20 pm

It's getting harder to keep kids ignorant these days. This is exactly why I don't fear for our children's future. You can only homeskool them for so long…

Not_So_Much September 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Would somebody just leave a $20 bill on the dresser and tell this whore to leave already?

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 1:38 pm

"And keep the change, Bubba"

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Fuck it, Rick. You know that the dark guy is gonna be president for another 4 years, right? Just go ahead and secede. I'm sure that me and most of my fellow DoD workers will follow our jobs to another more patriotic state. Good luck leasing out all the empty air force bases, army posts, naval air stations, and NASA.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Sigh. No, secularism, besides being mandated by the Constitution, does not mean "that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena;" it just means that they cannot force their faith onto others, moran.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The Devil made you say that.

JohnnyQuick September 19, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Satan took a knife to Jefferson's throat, making Jefferson take a knife to his Bible to cut out all the references to Christ's divinity. Then Satan made Jefferson have a long-term affair with Sally Hemmings, just for miscegenistic kicks.

pdiddycornchips September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

When they complain that " people of faith should not be involved in the public arena" what they mean is they don't get to force the rest of us into their warped version of skull fucking Jesus. God wants what they want. Hating on the ghey's and outlawing contraception is what they believe and when they don't get their way, it's not because most people disagree with them, it's because we've banished God from the public arena. In otherwords, they're batshit crazy.

no_gravity September 19, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The only "invisible demon" is the one in his pants.

Nowisallthereis September 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

40 days of fasting? I will contribute monees to make it 80 days, or even 120. Anyone with me?

StealthMuslin September 19, 2012 at 12:55 pm

"You LOSE, Higher Order Thinking! Good day!"

MumbletyX September 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

spiritual warfare

Uh, yeah Rick and Pastor Rick.
Because when I think of St. Peter or St. Paul — the image I get is armor-clad, bravado-spewin' aggressors, not some humble fisherman or forsaken Jew cast into darkness and scribbling letters, or casting about for excuses why he fell asleep on prayer duty.

#mostoftheGospelinstructswhatyoureNOTtodo

HouseOfTheBlueLights September 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I would like these idiots to try being a non-Christian 3rd grader in any suburban school for just 1 day. Forget the schoolyard bullies who steal your lunch money and give you noogies. Nothing like a Christianist public school teacher to make you feel like a confused and worthless piece of shit.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:56 pm

"with his untruths and what have you"

"Well we'll go out there after the, uh, the…"
* waves a hand vaguely toward the stage*
"what have you."

"We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger."

BartStarrland September 19, 2012 at 1:23 pm

So warrior this, crusade that, and Yada Yada, we ascend.

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

“Judeo-Christian values”

Why do these fuckers always have to drag the Jews into this? Poor bastards have been suffering for 2,000 years already; enough already.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Thats's what happens when you go around telling everyone you're the sky god's favorites!

JustPixelz September 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

They used to just day "Christian values". But after Hitler and the Holocaust, they wanted to look a little less exclusionary.

nobodyssweetheart September 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

They just like all the gay bashing in Leviticus.

pdiddycornchips September 19, 2012 at 1:59 pm

They don't make Jews like Jesus any more.

PubOption September 19, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Is Kinky running for any office in the upcoming election?

Texan_Bulldog September 19, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Ri–g–hh–ttt….like these folks are going to go for 40 days without eating.

BTWBFDIMHO September 19, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I'm more worried about the separation of speech and common sense.

pdiddycornchips September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

If Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry in any way represent the population of heaven, hell doesn't sound so bad.

Not_Mother September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"There are 3 things destroying this great nation of ours. Godless libruls, secularism and…what's that other one?"

PsycWench September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

"you think about this spiritual warfare that’s going on and [inaudible] going strong as President Obama and his cronies in Washington continue their efforts to remove any trace of religion from American life"

OK, help me out here, I keep hearing about this and yet the only thing I remember even remotely supportive of this is that Obama acknowledged atheists in his inauguration address.

SorosBot September 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm

It's been secret, just like Obama's efforts to take everyone's guns away.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Well, and his riding roughshod over employers' sacred right to deny wimmen birth control.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm

So – you're a middle-class mom? So you make at least $200-250K?

How you doin'?

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Facts and evidence are the stuff of witchcraft! Ricky runs on faith and conjecture. And cocaine…lots of cocaine (helps with the fasting.)

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I thought Ricky was into goofballs!

anniegetyerfun September 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Maybe the Christian soldiers/warriors can go head over the Tunisia and battle the Muslim warriors? You know, to prove once and for all who is the bestest.

Blueb4sinrise September 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Meanwhile….

Security is being increased at France's interests abroad after a French satirical magazine published obscene cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-19646748

natoslug September 19, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Such mockery shall not stand! I shall sit and slaughter a plate of garlic French fries in protest this evening.

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Freedom fries, please.

natoslug September 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I prefer Fatwah Fries. They go better with my yoghurt and blood of Infidel dip.

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Sounds DEEE-licious!

Yellerdawg September 19, 2012 at 3:46 pm

In the school of philosophy in which infinity=zero: If everyone in the world would agree to publish one cartoon of Mohammed no one would be a target. The radicals would just twirl around in frantic circles trying to fix a target like a two year old in the toy aisle at Target, until they just collapse in a puddle of exhaustion and settle for a cookie.

Oblios_Cap September 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'm with Graf Ulrich von Beck -"do you the Devil's work."

Of course, the Devil's work is the redemption of mankind.

You really should read "The Warhound and the World's Pain" and "The City in the Autumn Stars".

sbj1964 September 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Christian values: 3 days after your wife dies means it's time to get drunk,and fuck your daughters. Lot,the most righteous man chosen by the lord.Yeah,good stuff.

Chow Yun Flat September 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

we truly are Christian warriors, Christian soldiers

It's those militant Muslims that are the problem.

Terry September 19, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting …"

Remember that Perry held a prayer event at a sports stadium to end the drought in Texas. The State is still dry as a bone.

" In fact, he said, the Constitution is based upon “Judeo-Christian values” (a term coined in the 1820s, but never mind)"

Recall also that the Fundies claim to hold "Judeo-Christian values" but will claim that Jewish people are controlling the media and so forth. I think the only real think they want the Jewish people for is to bring about the End of Times, which the Fundies think starts in the Middle East when Israel gains great power.

Generation[redacted] September 19, 2012 at 1:10 pm

You mean the re-re-re-release of the McRib sandwich.

The truth is, it's always been the same McRib sandwich

JustPixelz September 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.”

Jesus' wanted separation of church and state. Besides the old "render unto Caesar" bidness, he preached that the government (Roman troops and so forth) had no power over him: "My kingdom is not of this world." (John 18:36).

And, unlike Rick Perry, Jesus was no fan of the death penalty, especially toward the end. (Terribly enough, when God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac, Abraham obeys but is stopped at the last second by some angels sent by God. In the parallel story of Jesus' crucifixion, God lets the execution take place. So no "World's Greatest Dad' coffee mug for God.)

skmind September 19, 2012 at 1:17 pm

[Perry] drove his Chevy to Levy and the Levy was dry…

Therefore Jesus

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Was that Levy the stone-washed kind, the button-fly type, or the boot-cut?

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 19, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I have spiritual warfare with Satan every night….,

Wait, that isn't a euphemism for masturbation?

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Duh

DahBoner September 19, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I'm not going to Scarbourough's fair.

Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme…

sewollef September 19, 2012 at 2:02 pm

The spelling police would like to arrest you for your sacrilegious spelling of Scarborough. Let's see how you feel after forty days in Sing-Sing mister DahBoner… if that's your real name!

Comrade Wingtardd September 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

If only all wingtards would simply fast and pray when they didn't get their way. But "fast and pray" usually translates and "run around hysterically screaming and calling the nearest AM radio station every five minutes"

Peasants. They never did go away, did they?

larrykat September 19, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Still hanging out at Nigger Head, Rick?

LibrarianX September 19, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Will Perry be engaging in battle on the Astral Plane?

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 2:13 pm

No. On the Asshole Plane.

natoslug September 19, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Your enemy isn't secularism or atheism, Ricky, it's bone-deep dumbfuckery.

Nesnora September 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Aren't atheists like 1.6% of the population? I was sure it was higher until my fellow atheist friend pointed out the census results…. wtf

emmelemm September 19, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Depressing, ain't it?

fuflans September 19, 2012 at 2:51 pm

man. ann richards would be having a blast this year.

what a loss.

Smithboy September 19, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Perry said, "We have a biblical responsibility to be involved in the public arena proclaiming God’s truth."

Ah yes…"God's truth"…that would be the bible.

Gov. Perry has probably never researched how the bible came into being, but I must tell you, as one who has read extensively about the bible, it is a fascinating endeavor.

Since we are talking about the truth…truth is no one knows who actually wrote the books that make up the bible. You may say, "We know Matthew, Mark, Luke and John wrote the gospels!" Not really, biblical scholars have known for centuries that when scribes were weeding out which written material would make the final cut, there were four stories written by different authors, but unfortunately, they were not signed. Rather than discard them, the church leaders said…"Well this one sounds like something Mark might have written…so we'll call it the Gospel according to Mark."

This is just one example of how men, several thousand years ago, arranged the available text, which is today believed to be "God's word" when in reality the bible is almost entirely mythical from start to finish. So when someone like Perry talks about proclaiming "God's truth" is he talking about the beliefs of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Hindu or one of the other thousands of religions that march to their own drummer.

Doktor Zoom September 19, 2012 at 5:05 pm

See? Book-learnin' just destroys faith. Look what happened to that nice Bart Ehrman boy.

Smithboy September 20, 2012 at 6:42 am

Funny how the head of religious studies at UNC is an atheist. I enjoy reading his scholarly insight on how a fabricated work of fiction became the refuge of so many unsuspecting individuals.

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 8:10 pm

…or, he is just talking through his ass.

RALitherland September 19, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Maybe if the fundies fast properly, they'll be too weak to drag themselves to the polls. One can but hope.

Antispandex September 19, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Yes, I remember that part of the Bible where Satan said, "Sell what you have, give the money to the poor, and come and follow me"….no, wait, that's not right…well, something like that. The point was, kill the leftists….with spiritual warfare.

docterry6973 September 19, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Ricky won't eat for 40 days? I say go for it. Of course he means fasting for the day and eating at night, I guess, like they in that other religion of Abraham.

I hope some enterprising reporter keeps track of how many breakfast, lunch, and dinner meeting the Gov attends in the next 40 days.

TribecaMike September 19, 2012 at 5:32 pm

If some smart, enterprising publisher doesn't compile and distribute Doktor Zoom's pieces asap, there is no hope for the publishing industry.

snarkusbachmann September 19, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Fuck a duck in the butt. The thought of all those crazy bastards also being starving-ass hungry AND wingnutty was just too terrifying for me to read on. With any luck, they'll resort to cannibalizing each other. Or, better yet, maybe they'll just pull a Heaven's Gate and go find Jesus behind a comet.

fawkedifiknow September 19, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Rick Perry for Pope of America!

ttommyunger September 19, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Separation of Church and State? I'd be happy if we could just separate the Clerics from the Choirboys.

ChapterUndVerse September 19, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I went to school with Thomas Jefferson. Copied off me in algebra.

rabritz September 28, 2012 at 10:44 am

This is the result of sleep apnea, a boat load of pain pills, Holy Communion and a limited retention of his poly sci edumacation at Texas A & M.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 19, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Hey, a few more Rick Perry prayathons-in-lieu-of-doing-stuff just might get enough people fed up with the whole freaking GOP. Even Texans must have a limited capacity for official idiocy.

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