Rick Perry Totally Going To Fight Satan Now

  where is your god now?

Forgive them, for they know not what they do. Really, not a single friggin' clue.Demented pill addict and mannequin afficionado Rick Perry, who is still Governor of the State of Texas for reasons that modern science cannot explain, would still like to be Commander in Chief of something, even if it’s not the United States. In a teleconference with wingnut pastor Rick Scarborough, Perry called on “Christian warriors” to engage in “spiritual warfare” against that most Satanic of foes, the Constitution of the United States. Of course, Perry claims to like the Constitution a whole bunch; he thinks the real enemy is a “growing tide of secularism and atheism” that has spread the false notion that the establishment clause of that document somehow mandates “separation of church and state.” Clear enough?

Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting which, while timed to coincide with this fall’s election, is very definitely not political, because then it would not be tax-exempt. Scarborough, one of the participants in Perry’s 2011 Jesuspalooza rally and the author of a book titled Liberalism Kills Kids, also hopes to save America with upcoming telechats with other non-political spiritual figures such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, who, like Perry, are elected Christianists who warn that Christianity has been wholly excluded from American political life.

In a rambling word salad of Dominionist talking points, Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.” In fact, he said, the Constitution is based upon “Judeo-Christian values” (a term coined in the 1820s, but never mind), and the notion of separation of church and state only arose in the 1960s, which is apparently when Thomas Jefferson lived. Perry also warned that an invisible demon is literally to blame for this state of affairs:

We have a biblical responsibility to be involved in the public arena proclaiming God’s truth. The idea that we should be sent to the sidelines I would suggest to you is very driven by those who are not truthful, Satan runs across the world with his doubt and with his untruths and what have you and one of the untruths out there is driven—is that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena.

Perry went on to explain the necessity of engaging in “spiritual warfare” to save America:

you think about this spiritual warfare that’s going on and [inaudible] going strong as President Obama and his cronies in Washington continue their efforts to remove any trace of religion from American life. It falls on us, we truly are Christian warriors, Christian soldiers, and for us as Americans to stand our ground and to firmly send a message to Washington that our nation is about more than just some secular laws.

Thank goodness for stand your ground laws, which will allow Christians to defend themselves from the hoodie-wearing Atheist In Chief with his Skittles of Oppression and his Iced Tea of Secularism! Rick Perry will save us from the Constitution, which is apparently just “some secular laws.”

[Right Wing Watch]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his pseudonym after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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183 comments

  1. actor212

    “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting which

    Coincidentally, also the length of the current Texan drought, right at harvest time.

    BONUS: Texans would lose weight.

      1. weejee

        I've read some serious silly sauce here on the Wonkette Georgia, but that has to be the most rediculose posting I've ever read. Well played!

    1. JustPixelz

      And in the Repubican Party. He makes Sarah Palin™ look like a .. um … um … person who's mental abilities are … um … um … slowed down.

    2. BartStarrland

      I asked a lawyer friend of mine about Scalia. He gave me the best backhanded insult that I use regularly now – "he's a dumb person's idea of a smart person"

        1. Texan_Bulldog

          Probably? I don't even know the Dem's name who is running against him. Have TX Dems just completely given up on the US Senate? (I know–silly question.)

          1. HistoriCat

            I know it's not much but the Harris County Democratic party actually had someone knock on our door to make sure we were going to vote and they had hand-outs promoting the down-ballot races. That has never happened to me before- maybe in another twenty years we can have hope!

          2. Biel_ze_Bubba

            Hey, a few more Rick Perry prayathons-in-lieu-of-doing-stuff just might get enough people fed up with the whole freaking GOP. Even Texans must have a limited capacity for official idiocy.

        2. pdiddycornchips

          If he wins, which Republican Senator will be the first to mistake him for a janitor and ask him to clean the bathroom?

  2. actor212

    Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.”

    He really hates the Founding Deists, doesn't he?

    1. PinkoPopulist

      If those founders were half as good at building a gubmint as they were at banging their slaves we wouldn't be in this predicament with our Kenyan-socialist-illegal immigrant President in the first place.

    2. PinkoPopulist

      I give up. All I want to do is post a comment expressing my personal disdain for the founding deists in conjunction with the current predicament with Nobama…and the mods will not let this happen. WTF?!?!

  3. PuckStopsHere

    I can't say which bible these guys are reading from, but mine tells me God commands us to help the poor. It specifically says that whatever you do to the least of us you do to Him. Do the repubics now believe that feeding the hungry and clothing the naked is one of their values and hence one of their responsibilities? Because a couple of days ago I believe their candidate for president essentially called them freeloaders and wrote them off entirely.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      The Bible only wants individuals to engage in private acts of charity. Any gummint action to help the poor creates dependency and is of the Devil.

      Also, God wants you to be rich. But not you.

    2. WhatTheHolyHeck

      I'd reply to this, but my period just started, which means I have to leave town for a week.

      Biblical law > just secular law

  4. PinkoPopulist

    I love when sitting governors get all religiousy. Makes me want to have a constitutional scalia-style-original-intent orgasm all over my keyboard.

  5. Shypixel

    You know what? Fuck Rick Perry. Fuck him right in the ear.

    I am so tired of this shit, I can't be bothered to think up something witty.

    1. Mary_Hayes

      As of today, we're 45 days from the election. "God's People" had better start fasting and put away the Chick-fil-A NOW.

      And nothing but water. None of that "liquids only including Ensure and chocolate milkshakes" dodge.

    1. PubOption

      "Let wicked people swell up…". Discuss with reference to Chris Christie, Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh.

  6. FakaktaSouth

    "Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting"

    If Rick Perry wants to starve himself for Jesus, I am fine with that. Really. Fast away dipshit, just never stop.

      1. billy_reuben

        Good point. For that reason, I think we should speak with a unified voice, calling on him to stick to a steady diet of poisoned rat dicks.

  7. no_gravity

    Rick Perry needs to fall off of his flat earth. And take Bachmann (Shelly only so Marcus can finally be free) and Santorum with him.

      1. sewollef

        Wait a minute. This papyrus, claiming to "quote Jesus mentioning his wife" is dated 4th century, which in turn is thought to maybe be taken from a 2nd century Greek text.

        And they're claiming this is somehow proof. Proof of what?

        It still means it was written around 100-200 years after this Jesus person is alleged to have said it, right?

        Are they nuts?

        1. SorosBot

          Well that's better than the gospels, which are still supposed to somehow prove that Jesus person actually existed.

  8. Lucidamente1

    Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects perform the office of a Censor morum over each other. Is uniformity attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. What has been the effect of coercion? To make one half the world fools, and the other half hypocrites. To support roguery and error all over the earth. –Thomas Jefferson.

    Oops.

    1. One_who_wanders

      I think according to those who oppose him his is an atheist on M, W and F, a Muslim on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and goes to Reverend Wright's anti-American Trinity United on Sunday. He really is all things to all people.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          Mormon Wonketteers? That would be something, wouldn't it?

          I'm surprised we haven't chased away the few standard normal protestant Xians among us, with all the mean, catty things we say about their God.

          We do still have a few Episc and Methodist commenters among us, don't we?

  9. mavenmaven

    Nothing like embarking upon a bloody crusade to save kids lives. Works every time, just like the original children's crusade or the Iraq war.

  10. chicken_thief

    "…President Obama and his cronies in Washington…"

    If Obummerz had any cronies in Washington we'd have a Public Option and the American Jobs Act, and the fiscal cliff would not be looming. Also. Too.

  11. Fox n Fiends

    Just wait until President Romney forces Texas to adopt the Book of Mormon as required reading in kindergarten.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    Spiritual warfare? Is that what sissies do to pretend they're tough? This is why, in that work of fiction about the Jesus fellow he told people to do their weeping and supplication in private — because it's so fucking unseemly when a sissy-ass, half-wit narcissistic shit of a governor does it in public.

  13. MonkeyHamlet

    Maybe after 40 days of fasting there'll be a lot fewer of them. Can they drink Kool-Aid during that time?

  14. ph7

    The real enemy is a “growing tide of secularism and atheism”

    He's right about that. Thank you, internet. Kids stuck in jesus belt cocoons, with a click of a mouse, can now see outside the box their parents have deliberately placed them in. Every kid who ever heard a bible story initially thinks "this is bullshit", but parents remind them that they believed this bullshit, and, goddamit, they will, too. But then that kid just clicks that mouse again…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It's getting harder to keep kids ignorant these days. This is exactly why I don't fear for our children's future. You can only homeskool them for so long…

  15. BaldarTFlagass

    Fuck it, Rick. You know that the dark guy is gonna be president for another 4 years, right? Just go ahead and secede. I'm sure that me and most of my fellow DoD workers will follow our jobs to another more patriotic state. Good luck leasing out all the empty air force bases, army posts, naval air stations, and NASA.

  16. SorosBot

    Sigh. No, secularism, besides being mandated by the Constitution, does not mean "that people of faith should not be involved in the public arena;" it just means that they cannot force their faith onto others, moran.

    1. JohnnyQuick

      Satan took a knife to Jefferson's throat, making Jefferson take a knife to his Bible to cut out all the references to Christ's divinity. Then Satan made Jefferson have a long-term affair with Sally Hemmings, just for miscegenistic kicks.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      When they complain that " people of faith should not be involved in the public arena" what they mean is they don't get to force the rest of us into their warped version of skull fucking Jesus. God wants what they want. Hating on the ghey's and outlawing contraception is what they believe and when they don't get their way, it's not because most people disagree with them, it's because we've banished God from the public arena. In otherwords, they're batshit crazy.

  17. MumbletyX

    spiritual warfare

    Uh, yeah Rick and Pastor Rick.
    Because when I think of St. Peter or St. Paul — the image I get is armor-clad, bravado-spewin' aggressors, not some humble fisherman or forsaken Jew cast into darkness and scribbling letters, or casting about for excuses why he fell asleep on prayer duty.

    #mostoftheGospelinstructswhatyoureNOTtodo

  18. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    I would like these idiots to try being a non-Christian 3rd grader in any suburban school for just 1 day. Forget the schoolyard bullies who steal your lunch money and give you noogies. Nothing like a Christianist public school teacher to make you feel like a confused and worthless piece of shit.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "with his untruths and what have you"

    "Well we'll go out there after the, uh, the…"
    * waves a hand vaguely toward the stage*
    "what have you."

    "We'll be near the In-and-Out Burger."

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    “Judeo-Christian values”

    Why do these fuckers always have to drag the Jews into this? Poor bastards have been suffering for 2,000 years already; enough already.

    1. JustPixelz

      They used to just day "Christian values". But after Hitler and the Holocaust, they wanted to look a little less exclusionary.

  21. pdiddycornchips

    If Rick Santorum, Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry in any way represent the population of heaven, hell doesn't sound so bad.

  22. Not_Mother

    "There are 3 things destroying this great nation of ours. Godless libruls, secularism and…what's that other one?"

  23. PsycWench

    "you think about this spiritual warfare that’s going on and [inaudible] going strong as President Obama and his cronies in Washington continue their efforts to remove any trace of religion from American life"

    OK, help me out here, I keep hearing about this and yet the only thing I remember even remotely supportive of this is that Obama acknowledged atheists in his inauguration address.

    1. Yellerdawg

      Facts and evidence are the stuff of witchcraft! Ricky runs on faith and conjecture. And cocaine…lots of cocaine (helps with the fasting.)

  24. anniegetyerfun

    Maybe the Christian soldiers/warriors can go head over the Tunisia and battle the Muslim warriors? You know, to prove once and for all who is the bestest.

    1. natoslug

      Such mockery shall not stand! I shall sit and slaughter a plate of garlic French fries in protest this evening.

    2. Yellerdawg

      In the school of philosophy in which infinity=zero: If everyone in the world would agree to publish one cartoon of Mohammed no one would be a target. The radicals would just twirl around in frantic circles trying to fix a target like a two year old in the toy aisle at Target, until they just collapse in a puddle of exhaustion and settle for a cookie.

  25. Oblios_Cap

    I'm with Graf Ulrich von Beck -"do you the Devil's work."

    Of course, the Devil's work is the redemption of mankind.

    You really should read "The Warhound and the World's Pain" and "The City in the Autumn Stars".

  26. sbj1964

    Christian values: 3 days after your wife dies means it's time to get drunk,and fuck your daughters. Lot,the most righteous man chosen by the lord.Yeah,good stuff.

  27. Terry

    "Gov. Perry spoke to Pastor Scarborough to promote “40 Days to Save America,” a campaign of prayer and fasting …"

    Remember that Perry held a prayer event at a sports stadium to end the drought in Texas. The State is still dry as a bone.

    " In fact, he said, the Constitution is based upon “Judeo-Christian values” (a term coined in the 1820s, but never mind)"

    Recall also that the Fundies claim to hold "Judeo-Christian values" but will claim that Jewish people are controlling the media and so forth. I think the only real think they want the Jewish people for is to bring about the End of Times, which the Fundies think starts in the Middle East when Israel gains great power.

  28. JustPixelz

    Perry insisted that the separation of church and state is a myth “driven by the secularists to remove those people of faith from the public arena.”

    Jesus' wanted separation of church and state. Besides the old "render unto Caesar" bidness, he preached that the government (Roman troops and so forth) had no power over him: "My kingdom is not of this world." (John 18:36).

    And, unlike Rick Perry, Jesus was no fan of the death penalty, especially toward the end. (Terribly enough, when God tells Abraham to kill his son Isaac, Abraham obeys but is stopped at the last second by some angels sent by God. In the parallel story of Jesus' crucifixion, God lets the execution take place. So no "World's Greatest Dad' coffee mug for God.)

    1. sewollef

      The spelling police would like to arrest you for your sacrilegious spelling of Scarborough. Let's see how you feel after forty days in Sing-Sing mister DahBoner… if that's your real name!

  29. Comrade Wingtardd

    If only all wingtards would simply fast and pray when they didn't get their way. But "fast and pray" usually translates and "run around hysterically screaming and calling the nearest AM radio station every five minutes"

    Peasants. They never did go away, did they?

  30. Nesnora

    Aren't atheists like 1.6% of the population? I was sure it was higher until my fellow atheist friend pointed out the census results…. wtf

  31. Smithboy

    Perry said, "We have a biblical responsibility to be involved in the public arena proclaiming God’s truth."

    Ah yes…"God's truth"…that would be the bible.

    Gov. Perry has probably never researched how the bible came into being, but I must tell you, as one who has read extensively about the bible, it is a fascinating endeavor.

    Since we are talking about the truth…truth is no one knows who actually wrote the books that make up the bible. You may say, "We know Matthew, Mark, Luke and John wrote the gospels!" Not really, biblical scholars have known for centuries that when scribes were weeding out which written material would make the final cut, there were four stories written by different authors, but unfortunately, they were not signed. Rather than discard them, the church leaders said…"Well this one sounds like something Mark might have written…so we'll call it the Gospel according to Mark."

    This is just one example of how men, several thousand years ago, arranged the available text, which is today believed to be "God's word" when in reality the bible is almost entirely mythical from start to finish. So when someone like Perry talks about proclaiming "God's truth" is he talking about the beliefs of Islam, Judaism, Christianity, Hindu or one of the other thousands of religions that march to their own drummer.

      1. Smithboy

        Funny how the head of religious studies at UNC is an atheist. I enjoy reading his scholarly insight on how a fabricated work of fiction became the refuge of so many unsuspecting individuals.

  32. RALitherland

    Maybe if the fundies fast properly, they'll be too weak to drag themselves to the polls. One can but hope.

  33. Antispandex

    Yes, I remember that part of the Bible where Satan said, "Sell what you have, give the money to the poor, and come and follow me"….no, wait, that's not right…well, something like that. The point was, kill the leftists….with spiritual warfare.

  34. docterry6973

    Ricky won't eat for 40 days? I say go for it. Of course he means fasting for the day and eating at night, I guess, like they in that other religion of Abraham.

    I hope some enterprising reporter keeps track of how many breakfast, lunch, and dinner meeting the Gov attends in the next 40 days.

  35. TribecaMike

    If some smart, enterprising publisher doesn't compile and distribute Doktor Zoom's pieces asap, there is no hope for the publishing industry.

  36. snarkusbachmann

    Fuck a duck in the butt. The thought of all those crazy bastards also being starving-ass hungry AND wingnutty was just too terrifying for me to read on. With any luck, they'll resort to cannibalizing each other. Or, better yet, maybe they'll just pull a Heaven's Gate and go find Jesus behind a comet.

  37. ttommyunger

    Separation of Church and State? I'd be happy if we could just separate the Clerics from the Choirboys.

  38. rabritz

    This is the result of sleep apnea, a boat load of pain pills, Holy Communion and a limited retention of his poly sci edumacation at Texas A & M.

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