blood simple

Mitt’s Mexican Family, Part Two: Homicidal Polygamist Goes On Blood Atonement Spree

It would be so much easier if I were LatinoYesterday, when we brought you Part One of Vice’s intrepid trip to Juarez to meet up with Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon cousins fighting the cartels, a whole bunch of you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!” Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)

Part Three tomorrow! Part One here!

[Vice]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Fox News is really upset that Romney's speech might have been taken out of context!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Did they tell us what the context oughta be?

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        Not yet, but only the liberal media does this kind of horrible thing.

      • ChernobylSoup

        A quiet room.

        • BerkeleyBear

          Turns out that even in quiet room Mitt sounds like an asshole.

          • Lavenderp

            How could he not?

    • chicken_thief

      What do they think about the "Israel-Palestine issue is too hard to solve"? I wanna see Doocey and Gretchen's heads esplode over that.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        They haven't said anything about that yet.

        • chicken_thief

          Oh. Then it clearly didn't happen.

    • Lavenderp

      Fox News should be delighted at the prospect of another Obama administration. No need to retrain their staff to NOT insult the presidency all the time…

    • ibwilliamsi

      I hate when they take an entire hour of my monologue out of context! Fuckers!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I find this to be too complicated to solve.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    WAAAH, I was told there would be beheadings, WAAAH!

    Thanks BeccaLou.

    • FakaktaSouth

      THERE the hell you are – can you high five me after the headcutting glee? How right were we months ago about the deliciously beautiful implosion of suckness that WOULD BE the Mittster's campaign? I like us, we're right a lot. I'm still saying 70-30.

      • Lavenderp

        From your lips to Deity-of-Choice's ears…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Hey, girl! (Hugs you, gimps around in a pathetic imitation of a dance). Ain't it SWEET? I'm'a buy you a giant freezy boozy drink wiv fruit salad and umbrollies on it. The Mittzombie is going through the motions, but after yesterday, he hasn't got a prayer. YAY US!

  • BloviateMe

    They needn't be legitimate beheadings. We'll take what we can get.

    • Lavenderp

      Has Akin weighed in on what constitutes a 'legitimate beheading'?

      • Revanneosl

        “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, death from beheading is really rare. If it’s a legitimate beheading, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

  • LibertyLover

    Those old Mormon dudes were some sexy beasts!

    • Terry

      Their many 14 yr old wives will attest to this.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        It horrifys me that I read that post as quanitative instead of chronological.

  • ChernobylSoup

    What's in this for me?

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Needz moar beheadings!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Great minds think alike.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wait, Romney is a Mexican? Do the Republicans know this?

    • glasspusher

      Not as blah as the other guy. Not a problem for them. Apparently, they can occasionally handle shades of gray.

    • chicken_thief

      They jes know he ain't the Kenyan Muzlin Usurper, so they don't give a fuck.

    • LibertyLover

      Yeah, he told them in May. He could get elected better if he had Mexican parents…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Do the MEXICANS?

    • ibwilliamsi

      He IS a Messican. But only in the "My grandfather moved to Mexico so he could keep his five wives" sense. Not in the "brown skinned guy who mows the lawn" sense.

    • DCBloom

      How convenient! He can be Mexican without the stigma of being "Latino"

      • Lavenderp

        Wait? He speaks Latin?

        –Dan Quayle

  • eggsacklywright

    If the cartel dismembers its members, can they still be Mormonized later?

    • Steverino247

      Yes, but it takes a little longer. You have to solve the jigsaw (hacksaw, chainsaw, etc.) puzzle first.

    • LibertyLover

      Only if they re-member.

      • Lavenderp

        Ouch!
        (But upfisted, because I laughed…)

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      In whole or in part, yes.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Needz moar Pitchfork reviews of bands you've never heard of!

    • Lavenderp

      You mean this wasn't a review of Mormon Murder Cartels' latest release? Damn- I thought I was AT Pitchfork for a mo…

  • Trannysurprise

    I see there are 7 parts to this.

    Perhaps we can just get back to posts about trucknuts and whatever stupid shit one of the Palin kids has done today?

    • Fare la Volpe

      Nah we wouldn't want to steal Gawker's schtick.

    • no_gravity

      You have to admit it's a little better than quantitative easing.

  • Terry

    “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!”

    This is my God given right as a long term Wonketteer.

    "Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)"

    And yet, still no "work safe" designation?

  • YouBetcha

    After reading Under the Banner of Heaven, my first thought is "fuck this bitch" whenever I hear about someone being a devout Mormon.

    • no_gravity

      Me too. Then I think "cut this bitch."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Down here in Texas, if you are talking about a Mexican person, the proper nomenclature is "wetback." If you are talking about a Mexican with money, the term used is "Spanish." The word "Mexican" is only used in association with food or restaurants.

    • ThankYouJeebus

      As long as I don't have to speak Latin.

    • GhostBuggy

      So, what's Tex-Mex?

      • HistoriCat

        Yummy.

    • Redgyal

      Where does Hispanic, Latino and Chicano fall in that system?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I don't know if any white people in Texas even know those words.

  • glasspusher

    Mitt's minions wouldn't get the hipster references. Too obscure.

    • Lavenderp

      HEY! We're hip- we dig Pat Boone!

      • glasspusher

        The prosecution rests!

  • Baconzgood

    Crazy fuckin cult.

    • no_gravity

      No more crazy than the 10,000 confederates, or as they're know now Confederados that went to Brazil after they lost the War Between the States.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Is this the part where Gwyneth Paltrow gets smashed and dances on the bar?

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles

    At what point do the Teabaggers openly vent their contempt for Mormons not named Glenn Beck?

    • chicken_thief

      When the white dude from the whack religion isn't running agin a person of negroidal persuasion.

  • chicken_thief

    Needz a moar Chuck Norris-y beard. Also. Too.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyX

    Necesidades. más. fudge. embalaje.

  • coolhandnuke

    Needz more Heisenberg.

    • BarackMyWorld

      Blue Meth FTW.

      • coolhandnuke

        Jesse: “Ah, like I came to you, begging to cook meth. Oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal? Please. I’d ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn’t fit in the RV.”

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm not sure about that…

  • sbj1964

    Mexico,Michigan,Mittens,Mormons,Money,Murder Starting to see a pattern.

    • no_gravity

      Is that the M Theory I keep hearing about?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Dial 'M' for Moron.

    • Lavenderp

      You forgot 'Milquetoast'?

    • bobbert

      Motherfucker.

    • Slim_Pickins

      You forgot Muslim (Republican probably still use Moslem). Mormonism is the third branch of Islam.

  • banana_bread

    Soooo there was a crazy Mexican Mormon Manson who went off killing people in the name of God? How disgustingly uncivil. Now let us get back to bombing the fuck out of the Middle East.

  • LibertyLover

    Wait. Mormons live in a place where they aren't allowed to have guns? Isn't that UnAmerican?

  • Estproph

    At the beginning of the video, how did they fill up that hall? Free chicken sandwiches and Hoverounds?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Seven parts? I'll just do the same as with shows like Oz and Deadwood: wait till the series is done and then watch them all.

  • Lavenderp

    Bill Murray's looking pretty rough in that photo…

    • Toomush_Infer

      He went there straight from his role in Zombieville – no change of makeup….

  • kittensdontlie

    Due to employment circumstances beyond my control, I must view this video without the volume, but I am guessing that Prince Williard is killing mexicans and turning their remains into soylent greenbacks. Is that correct??

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm in the same situation as you. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

    • Lavenderp

      S'okay, cuz they're all gettin' retroactively baptized…

      • kittensdontlie

        Yes, we must end their lives, so that they can live forever.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          We had to destroy their bodies in order to save their souls.

    • UnholyMoses

      Prince Williard is killing mexicans and turning their remains into soylent greenbacks. wetbacks.

      FTFY

    • ttommyunger

      Two words: ear buds.

  • no_gravity

    Where was Chrysler LaBaron in that video?

  • mavenmaven

    Serial killers are people, too!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Needs more donkey shows.

    • Peckerwood_Pete

      don't be an ass!

  • anniegetyerfun

    I'm not going to masturbate to any of these.

    • Lavenderp

      It's good to rest a little between the secret Romney videos from the Orgy Man's house…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'm still stuck on the 400 grand and great grand kids. Wonder if the Pope knows about this multiple wives thing.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder if the Mexican Mormon Mafia owns the Titty Twister bar down there.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYXlK-Dktnk
    Cheech Marin's Vagina Monologue…

  • BarackMyWorld

    Dinesh D'Souza is going to right a book about Mitt's family and rage, too, right?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Maybe Jon Huntsman can do a cover story for Newsweek about Mormon Rage.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      He'll *never* right anything, given all the wrongs he's perpetrated, the slimy little fuck.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Whadya bet they pumped pure oxygen into that convention hall to keep those non-hipsters from keeling over?

  • FakaktaSouth

    As an erstwhile wife, I need to ask, is the reason "the more wives you have on earth, the better heaven will be" one of those suffer now, celebrate later things? I cannot IMAGINE ONE wife, much less more, on purpose. These people are weird.

    • prommie

      Just the whole idea of an afterlife brings up weirdnesses just as bad as any of those time-travel paradoxes, or is it paradoxen? I do think those old mormons who wrote that shit were just making it up as they went along to justify the fact they weren't really polygamists, they were serial child-rapers and it was all about ensuring a constant supply of new 14 year olds. Just like McConahea(?) in Dazed and Confused saying that the thing he likes about the freshman girls is that every year he gets older but they stay the same age.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I would have a lot more respect for these people if they just liked getting high to Aerosmith and hanging with under-aged girls.
        "it'd be a lot cooler if you did" (SEE? QUOTATION MARKS)

        • prommie

          That movie depicted my high school years way too accurately in every fucking detail. Someday I will show you which character was totally me. Unless you know already.

          • FakaktaSouth

            I have a couple of guesses. You can still show me, we'll add it to the list.

          • prommie

            As is appropriate, he never does get any.

          • FakaktaSouth

            All right, all right, put that on the list too.

          • prommie

            Its ok if its listed more than once, then?

    • ttommyunger

      A-Fucking-Men. I love my wife of 32 years; fifteen with the first one. Been single ten days since 1964. Real good at being married, not so good at being a husband. I will say this: if I get out of this marriage alive, NO MORE MARRIAGE, NO MORE SHACKING UP, NO MORE LIVE-INS, I am done with that shit, period. I cannot imagine what these people are thinking.

  • UnholyMoses

    "No beheadings in this one."

    Okay, but what about skullfuckings? Any of those?

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      What you do w/ the left-overs is entirely up to you.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!

    hell yeah.

  • Misty Malarky

    If Mitt loses will he go all blood atonement on our collective asses?

  • Joey_Blau

    well… if you are not allowed to kill in the name of god.. when can you kill?

    why, in the name of the state!

  • Misty Malarky

    I somehow imagine Mitt and Co. being all firm white vegetable matter inside – like a potato or a rutabaga.

    Hold the butter, chives, and sour cream, naturally.

  • pinkocommi

    Romney, if anything, is not a Mexican, but a Mexi-can't.

  • rickmaci

    OT note. Twitt acknowledges on that tape that daddy Jorge was born in Mejico-something that would have made Jorge ineligible to be president when Jorge was running. The issue did come up but did not get fully ventilated back in 1968 because Jorge got crushed by Nixon after he admitted to being brainwashed (whereas the Twitt was only Bain washed.)

  • hagajim

    Kill 'em all!!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    OK, this one was kind of interesting.

  • azeyote

    hey how bout a little circumcision if we can't watch any heads roll – hey gotta watch the top come off somethin.

  • ttommyunger

    Yeah, circumcision; but with Pinking Shears, ya know, a little class here.

  • zappadoo76

    Show me someone who's not a parasite and I'll get down and say a prayer for him.
    –Bob Dylan
    Visions of Johanna

  • whizzer16

    The claim that the LeBaron's do not deal drugs is bullshit. In the 1990s I worked at the U.S. Consulate General – Juarez and we regularly visited members of the LeBaron clan (named LeBaron) who were growing and smuggling dope out of the Col. LeBaron and Col. Dublain near Nuevo Casa Grandes, Chihuahua, Mexico. These guys have always been shady criminal thugs. Do not listen to him. The reason there is money there is because they sell drugs! Do you know of farmers anywhere who are doing that well???

  • ttommyunger

    If I watch the video, the site won't post my comment, 'cause I've taken too long…