BLOOD SIMPLE  1:20 pm September 18, 2012

Mitt’s Mexican Family, Part Two: Homicidal Polygamist Goes On Blood Atonement Spree

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

It would be so much easier if I were LatinoYesterday, when we brought you Part One of Vice’s intrepid trip to Juarez to meet up with Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon cousins fighting the cartels, a whole bunch of you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!” Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)

Part Three tomorrow! Part One here!

[Vice]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 121 comments }

DerrickWildcat September 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Fox News is really upset that Romney's speech might have been taken out of context!

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Did they tell us what the context oughta be?

DerrickWildcat September 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Not yet, but only the liberal media does this kind of horrible thing.

ChernobylSoup September 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

A quiet room.

BerkeleyBear September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Turns out that even in quiet room Mitt sounds like an asshole.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

How could he not?

chicken_thief September 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

What do they think about the "Israel-Palestine issue is too hard to solve"? I wanna see Doocey and Gretchen's heads esplode over that.

DerrickWildcat September 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

They haven't said anything about that yet.

chicken_thief September 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Oh. Then it clearly didn't happen.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Fox News should be delighted at the prospect of another Obama administration. No need to retrain their staff to NOT insult the presidency all the time…

ibwilliamsi September 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I hate when they take an entire hour of my monologue out of context! Fuckers!

SheriffRoscoe September 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I find this to be too complicated to solve.

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm

WAAAH, I was told there would be beheadings, WAAAH!

Thanks BeccaLou.

FakaktaSouth September 18, 2012 at 1:38 pm

THERE the hell you are – can you high five me after the headcutting glee? How right were we months ago about the deliciously beautiful implosion of suckness that WOULD BE the Mittster's campaign? I like us, we're right a lot. I'm still saying 70-30.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:44 pm

From your lips to Deity-of-Choice's ears…

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Hey, girl! (Hugs you, gimps around in a pathetic imitation of a dance). Ain't it SWEET? I'm'a buy you a giant freezy boozy drink wiv fruit salad and umbrollies on it. The Mittzombie is going through the motions, but after yesterday, he hasn't got a prayer. YAY US!

BloviateMe September 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm

They needn't be legitimate beheadings. We'll take what we can get.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Has Akin weighed in on what constitutes a 'legitimate beheading'?

Revanneosl September 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, death from beheading is really rare. If it’s a legitimate beheading, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

LibertyLover September 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Those old Mormon dudes were some sexy beasts!

Terry September 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Their many 14 yr old wives will attest to this.

Jus_Wonderin September 18, 2012 at 2:01 pm

It horrifys me that I read that post as quanitative instead of chronological.

ChernobylSoup September 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm

What's in this for me?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Needz moar beheadings!

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Great minds think alike.

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wait, Romney is a Mexican? Do the Republicans know this?

glasspusher September 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Not as blah as the other guy. Not a problem for them. Apparently, they can occasionally handle shades of gray.

chicken_thief September 18, 2012 at 1:33 pm

They jes know he ain't the Kenyan Muzlin Usurper, so they don't give a fuck.

LibertyLover September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Yeah, he told them in May. He could get elected better if he had Mexican parents…

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Do the MEXICANS?

ibwilliamsi September 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

He IS a Messican. But only in the "My grandfather moved to Mexico so he could keep his five wives" sense. Not in the "brown skinned guy who mows the lawn" sense.

DCBloom September 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

How convenient! He can be Mexican without the stigma of being "Latino"

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wait? He speaks Latin?

–Dan Quayle

eggsacklywright September 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

If the cartel dismembers its members, can they still be Mormonized later?

Steverino247 September 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yes, but it takes a little longer. You have to solve the jigsaw (hacksaw, chainsaw, etc.) puzzle first.

LibertyLover September 18, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Only if they re-member.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Ouch!
(But upfisted, because I laughed…)

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:53 pm

In whole or in part, yes.

CrunchyKnee September 18, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Needz moar Pitchfork reviews of bands you've never heard of!

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 2:02 pm

You mean this wasn't a review of Mormon Murder Cartels' latest release? Damn- I thought I was AT Pitchfork for a mo…

Trannysurprise September 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I see there are 7 parts to this.

Perhaps we can just get back to posts about trucknuts and whatever stupid shit one of the Palin kids has done today?

Fare la Volpe September 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Nah we wouldn't want to steal Gawker's schtick.

no_gravity September 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You have to admit it's a little better than quantitative easing.

Terry September 18, 2012 at 1:28 pm

“waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!”

This is my God given right as a long term Wonketteer.

"Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)"

And yet, still no "work safe" designation?

YouBetcha September 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

After reading Under the Banner of Heaven, my first thought is "fuck this bitch" whenever I hear about someone being a devout Mormon.

no_gravity September 18, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Me too. Then I think "cut this bitch."

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Down here in Texas, if you are talking about a Mexican person, the proper nomenclature is "wetback." If you are talking about a Mexican with money, the term used is "Spanish." The word "Mexican" is only used in association with food or restaurants.

ThankYouJeebus September 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm

As long as I don't have to speak Latin.

GhostBuggy September 18, 2012 at 2:43 pm

So, what's Tex-Mex?

HistoriCat September 18, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Yummy.

Redgyal September 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Where does Hispanic, Latino and Chicano fall in that system?

BaldarTFlagass September 19, 2012 at 8:38 am

I don't know if any white people in Texas even know those words.

glasspusher September 18, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Mitt's minions wouldn't get the hipster references. Too obscure.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

HEY! We're hip- we dig Pat Boone!

glasspusher September 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

The prosecution rests!

Baconzgood September 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Crazy fuckin cult.

no_gravity September 18, 2012 at 1:54 pm

No more crazy than the 10,000 confederates, or as they're know now Confederados that went to Brazil after they lost the War Between the States.

Blueb4sinrise September 18, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Is this the part where Gwyneth Paltrow gets smashed and dances on the bar?

4TheTurnstiles September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

At what point do the Teabaggers openly vent their contempt for Mormons not named Glenn Beck?

chicken_thief September 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

When the white dude from the whack religion isn't running agin a person of negroidal persuasion.

chicken_thief September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Needz a moar Chuck Norris-y beard. Also. Too.

MumbletyX September 18, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Necesidades. más. fudge. embalaje.

coolhandnuke September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Needz more Heisenberg.

BarackMyWorld September 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Blue Meth FTW.

coolhandnuke September 18, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Jesse: “Ah, like I came to you, begging to cook meth. Oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal? Please. I’d ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn’t fit in the RV.”

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm not sure about that…

sbj1964 September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Mexico,Michigan,Mittens,Mormons,Money,Murder Starting to see a pattern.

no_gravity September 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Is that the M Theory I keep hearing about?

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Dial 'M' for Moron.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

You forgot 'Milquetoast'?

bobbert September 18, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Motherfucker.

Slim_Pickins September 18, 2012 at 3:31 pm

You forgot Muslim (Republican probably still use Moslem). Mormonism is the third branch of Islam.

banana_bread September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Soooo there was a crazy Mexican Mormon Manson who went off killing people in the name of God? How disgustingly uncivil. Now let us get back to bombing the fuck out of the Middle East.

LibertyLover September 18, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Wait. Mormons live in a place where they aren't allowed to have guns? Isn't that UnAmerican?

Estproph September 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

At the beginning of the video, how did they fill up that hall? Free chicken sandwiches and Hoverounds?

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Seven parts? I'll just do the same as with shows like Oz and Deadwood: wait till the series is done and then watch them all.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Bill Murray's looking pretty rough in that photo…

Toomush_Infer September 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

He went there straight from his role in Zombieville – no change of makeup….

kittensdontlie September 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Due to employment circumstances beyond my control, I must view this video without the volume, but I am guessing that Prince Williard is killing mexicans and turning their remains into soylent greenbacks. Is that correct??

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'm in the same situation as you. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm

S'okay, cuz they're all gettin' retroactively baptized…

kittensdontlie September 18, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Yes, we must end their lives, so that they can live forever.

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:59 pm

We had to destroy their bodies in order to save their souls.

UnholyMoses September 18, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Prince Williard is killing mexicans and turning their remains into soylent greenbacks. wetbacks.

FTFY

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Two words: ear buds.

no_gravity September 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Where was Chrysler LaBaron in that video?

mavenmaven September 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Serial killers are people, too!

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Needs more donkey shows.

Peckerwood_Pete September 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

don't be an ass!

anniegetyerfun September 18, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'm not going to masturbate to any of these.

Lavenderp September 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It's good to rest a little between the secret Romney videos from the Orgy Man's house…

EatsBabyDingos September 18, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I'm still stuck on the 400 grand and great grand kids. Wonder if the Pope knows about this multiple wives thing.

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm

I wonder if the Mexican Mormon Mafia owns the Titty Twister bar down there.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYXlK-Dktnk
Cheech Marin's Vagina Monologue…

BarackMyWorld September 18, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Dinesh D'Souza is going to right a book about Mitt's family and rage, too, right?

BaldarTFlagass September 18, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Maybe Jon Huntsman can do a cover story for Newsweek about Mormon Rage.

MittBorg September 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

He'll *never* right anything, given all the wrongs he's perpetrated, the slimy little fuck.

ibwilliamsi September 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Whadya bet they pumped pure oxygen into that convention hall to keep those non-hipsters from keeling over?

FakaktaSouth September 18, 2012 at 1:58 pm

As an erstwhile wife, I need to ask, is the reason "the more wives you have on earth, the better heaven will be" one of those suffer now, celebrate later things? I cannot IMAGINE ONE wife, much less more, on purpose. These people are weird.

prommie September 18, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Just the whole idea of an afterlife brings up weirdnesses just as bad as any of those time-travel paradoxes, or is it paradoxen? I do think those old mormons who wrote that shit were just making it up as they went along to justify the fact they weren't really polygamists, they were serial child-rapers and it was all about ensuring a constant supply of new 14 year olds. Just like McConahea(?) in Dazed and Confused saying that the thing he likes about the freshman girls is that every year he gets older but they stay the same age.

FakaktaSouth September 18, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I would have a lot more respect for these people if they just liked getting high to Aerosmith and hanging with under-aged girls.
"it'd be a lot cooler if you did" (SEE? QUOTATION MARKS)

prommie September 18, 2012 at 3:01 pm

That movie depicted my high school years way too accurately in every fucking detail. Someday I will show you which character was totally me. Unless you know already.

FakaktaSouth September 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I have a couple of guesses. You can still show me, we'll add it to the list.

ttommyunger September 18, 2012 at 11:12 pm

A-Fucking-Men. I love my wife of 32 years; fifteen with the first one. Been single ten days since 1964. Real good at being married, not so good at being a husband. I will say this: if I get out of this marriage alive, NO MORE MARRIAGE, NO MORE SHACKING UP, NO MORE LIVE-INS, I am done with that shit, period. I cannot imagine what these people are thinking.

UnholyMoses September 18, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"No beheadings in this one."

Okay, but what about skullfuckings? Any of those?

M. Bouffant September 18, 2012 at 2:22 pm

What you do w/ the left-overs is entirely up to you.

fuflans September 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm

you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!

hell yeah.

Misty Malarky September 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm

If Mitt loses will he go all blood atonement on our collective asses?

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm

well… if you are not allowed to kill in the name of god.. when can you kill?

why, in the name of the state!

Misty Malarky September 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm

I somehow imagine Mitt and Co. being all firm white vegetable matter inside – like a potato or a rutabaga.

Hold the butter, chives, and sour cream, naturally.

pinkocommi September 18, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Romney, if anything, is not a Mexican, but a Mexi-can't.

rickmaci September 18, 2012 at 3:15 pm

OT note. Twitt acknowledges on that tape that daddy Jorge was born in Mejico-something that would have made Jorge ineligible to be president when Jorge was running. The issue did come up but did not get fully ventilated back in 1968 because Jorge got crushed by Nixon after he admitted to being brainwashed (whereas the Twitt was only Bain washed.)

hagajim September 18, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Kill 'em all!!

Chet Kincaid_ September 18, 2012 at 7:28 pm

OK, this one was kind of interesting.

azeyote September 18, 2012 at 10:53 pm

hey how bout a little circumcision if we can't watch any heads roll – hey gotta watch the top come off somethin.

ttommyunger September 18, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Yeah, circumcision; but with Pinking Shears, ya know, a little class here.

zappadoo76 September 19, 2012 at 3:26 am

Show me someone who's not a parasite and I'll get down and say a prayer for him.
–Bob Dylan
Visions of Johanna

whizzer16 September 20, 2012 at 12:57 pm

The claim that the LeBaron's do not deal drugs is bullshit. In the 1990s I worked at the U.S. Consulate General – Juarez and we regularly visited members of the LeBaron clan (named LeBaron) who were growing and smuggling dope out of the Col. LeBaron and Col. Dublain near Nuevo Casa Grandes, Chihuahua, Mexico. These guys have always been shady criminal thugs. Do not listen to him. The reason there is money there is because they sell drugs! Do you know of farmers anywhere who are doing that well???

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 6:17 pm

If I watch the video, the site won't post my comment, 'cause I've taken too long…

prommie September 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm

As is appropriate, he never does get any.

FakaktaSouth September 18, 2012 at 3:36 pm

All right, all right, put that on the list too.

prommie September 18, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Its ok if its listed more than once, then?

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