Mitt’s Mexican Family, Part Two: Homicidal Polygamist Goes On Blood Atonement Spree

  blood simple

It would be so much easier if I were LatinoYesterday, when we brought you Part One of Vice’s intrepid trip to Juarez to meet up with Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon cousins fighting the cartels, a whole bunch of you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!” Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)

Part Three tomorrow! Part One here!

[Vice]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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121 comments

    1. chicken_thief

      What do they think about the "Israel-Palestine issue is too hard to solve"? I wanna see Doocey and Gretchen's heads esplode over that.

    2. Lavenderp

      Fox News should be delighted at the prospect of another Obama administration. No need to retrain their staff to NOT insult the presidency all the time…

    1. FakaktaSouth

      THERE the hell you are – can you high five me after the headcutting glee? How right were we months ago about the deliciously beautiful implosion of suckness that WOULD BE the Mittster's campaign? I like us, we're right a lot. I'm still saying 70-30.

      1. MittBorg

        Hey, girl! (Hugs you, gimps around in a pathetic imitation of a dance). Ain't it SWEET? I'm'a buy you a giant freezy boozy drink wiv fruit salad and umbrollies on it. The Mittzombie is going through the motions, but after yesterday, he hasn't got a prayer. YAY US!

      1. Revanneosl

        “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, death from beheading is really rare. If it’s a legitimate beheading, the human body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

    1. glasspusher

      Not as blah as the other guy. Not a problem for them. Apparently, they can occasionally handle shades of gray.

    2. ibwilliamsi

      He IS a Messican. But only in the "My grandfather moved to Mexico so he could keep his five wives" sense. Not in the "brown skinned guy who mows the lawn" sense.

    1. Steverino247

      Yes, but it takes a little longer. You have to solve the jigsaw (hacksaw, chainsaw, etc.) puzzle first.

    1. Lavenderp

      You mean this wasn't a review of Mormon Murder Cartels' latest release? Damn- I thought I was AT Pitchfork for a mo…

  1. Trannysurprise

    I see there are 7 parts to this.

    Perhaps we can just get back to posts about trucknuts and whatever stupid shit one of the Palin kids has done today?

  2. Terry

    “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!”

    This is my God given right as a long term Wonketteer.

    "Well, here is your second chance to bitch and kvetch, because it is Part Two, in which Vice’s chief hipster goes and explicates some homicidal Mexican Mormon’s “Blood Atonement” spree. Enjoy your bitching, Wonker bitches! (No beheadings in this one. Maybe tomorrow!)"

    And yet, still no "work safe" designation?

  3. YouBetcha

    After reading Under the Banner of Heaven, my first thought is "fuck this bitch" whenever I hear about someone being a devout Mormon.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Down here in Texas, if you are talking about a Mexican person, the proper nomenclature is "wetback." If you are talking about a Mexican with money, the term used is "Spanish." The word "Mexican" is only used in association with food or restaurants.

    1. no_gravity

      No more crazy than the 10,000 confederates, or as they're know now Confederados that went to Brazil after they lost the War Between the States.

      1. coolhandnuke

        Jesse: “Ah, like I came to you, begging to cook meth. Oh, hey, nerdiest old dude I know, you wanna come cook crystal? Please. I’d ask my diaper-wearing granny, but her wheelchair wouldn’t fit in the RV.”

  5. banana_bread

    Soooo there was a crazy Mexican Mormon Manson who went off killing people in the name of God? How disgustingly uncivil. Now let us get back to bombing the fuck out of the Middle East.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Seven parts? I'll just do the same as with shows like Oz and Deadwood: wait till the series is done and then watch them all.

  7. kittensdontlie

    Due to employment circumstances beyond my control, I must view this video without the volume, but I am guessing that Prince Williard is killing mexicans and turning their remains into soylent greenbacks. Is that correct??

  8. EatsBabyDingos

    I'm still stuck on the 400 grand and great grand kids. Wonder if the Pope knows about this multiple wives thing.

  9. ibwilliamsi

    Whadya bet they pumped pure oxygen into that convention hall to keep those non-hipsters from keeling over?

  10. FakaktaSouth

    As an erstwhile wife, I need to ask, is the reason "the more wives you have on earth, the better heaven will be" one of those suffer now, celebrate later things? I cannot IMAGINE ONE wife, much less more, on purpose. These people are weird.

    1. prommie

      Just the whole idea of an afterlife brings up weirdnesses just as bad as any of those time-travel paradoxes, or is it paradoxen? I do think those old mormons who wrote that shit were just making it up as they went along to justify the fact they weren't really polygamists, they were serial child-rapers and it was all about ensuring a constant supply of new 14 year olds. Just like McConahea(?) in Dazed and Confused saying that the thing he likes about the freshman girls is that every year he gets older but they stay the same age.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I would have a lot more respect for these people if they just liked getting high to Aerosmith and hanging with under-aged girls.
        "it'd be a lot cooler if you did" (SEE? QUOTATION MARKS)

        1. prommie

          That movie depicted my high school years way too accurately in every fucking detail. Someday I will show you which character was totally me. Unless you know already.

    2. ttommyunger

      A-Fucking-Men. I love my wife of 32 years; fifteen with the first one. Been single ten days since 1964. Real good at being married, not so good at being a husband. I will say this: if I get out of this marriage alive, NO MORE MARRIAGE, NO MORE SHACKING UP, NO MORE LIVE-INS, I am done with that shit, period. I cannot imagine what these people are thinking.

  11. fuflans

    you were all “waaah we hate hipsters” and “waaah we hate beheadings” and “waaah we are not going to watch this but are just going to complain about it instead!

    hell yeah.

  12. Joey_Blau

    well… if you are not allowed to kill in the name of god.. when can you kill?

    why, in the name of the state!

  13. Misty Malarky

    I somehow imagine Mitt and Co. being all firm white vegetable matter inside – like a potato or a rutabaga.

    Hold the butter, chives, and sour cream, naturally.

  14. rickmaci

    OT note. Twitt acknowledges on that tape that daddy Jorge was born in Mejico-something that would have made Jorge ineligible to be president when Jorge was running. The issue did come up but did not get fully ventilated back in 1968 because Jorge got crushed by Nixon after he admitted to being brainwashed (whereas the Twitt was only Bain washed.)

  15. azeyote

    hey how bout a little circumcision if we can't watch any heads roll – hey gotta watch the top come off somethin.

  16. zappadoo76

    Show me someone who's not a parasite and I'll get down and say a prayer for him.
    –Bob Dylan
    Visions of Johanna

  17. whizzer16

    The claim that the LeBaron's do not deal drugs is bullshit. In the 1990s I worked at the U.S. Consulate General – Juarez and we regularly visited members of the LeBaron clan (named LeBaron) who were growing and smuggling dope out of the Col. LeBaron and Col. Dublain near Nuevo Casa Grandes, Chihuahua, Mexico. These guys have always been shady criminal thugs. Do not listen to him. The reason there is money there is because they sell drugs! Do you know of farmers anywhere who are doing that well???

Comments are closed.