also he doesn't know where syria is

‘Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Too Hard To Solve,’ Says Forceful Leader Mitt Romney

Look, I can't be bothered with this, I have people to look at maps for meA happy Mitt Romney Whitey Tape Day to each and every one of you! By now, you are well aware that Mitt simply does not care for the 47 percent of Americans who, due in part to tax-cutting policies put in place by Republican presidents, don’t count Federal income tax among the array of taxes that they pay. But who else does Mitt Romney secretly hold in contempt, on video? And what other long-standing bipartisan foreign policy positions does he reject as unworkable? If you said “the Palestinians, collectively” and “a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict,” you are correct! It turns out Mitt is “torn by two perspectives in this regard”: On the one hand, the Palestinians are monsters who don’t want peace; and, on the other, solving this problem is hard so why bother.

Here is more of Mitt Romney with his important thoughts about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict!

If your work has some kind of Romney-filter in place, take our word for it that, Mitt, while waxing geopolitical and showing off his smarts, states confidently that the West Bank borders Syria, which, for the record, is not the case, even a little! (See map above.) He also says, correctly, that pre-1967 Israel is only about seven miles wide around Tel Aviv, though he ignores the fact that a significant portion of the Palestinian population, including several good-sized cities, is just on the other side of the border there, so that making Israel any wider would involve … forcibly evicting hundreds of thousands of people from their homes? That or giving them voting rights? Hmm.

But that is just a sideshow to his larger point, which goes something like this: if you made Palestine an independent country, probably Palestine would want to do what regular countries do, like run its own airport and control its own borders. But since it is 100% absolutely true that all Palestinians do not want peace, that would result in an Iranian nuclear bomb in Bethlehem, transported via Syria, within the first hour or so of Palestinian independence, so that’s completely out. So, if the two-state solution, which has been the idea Republican and Democratic administrations have endorsed for more the 20 years, doesn’t work, then Mitt must have some radical new ideas for this thorny problem!

And so what you do is you say, “You move things along the best way you can.” You hope for some degree of stability, but you recognize that this is going to remain an unsolved problem. We live with that in China and Taiwan. All right, we have a potentially volatile situation but we sort of live with it, and we kick the ball down the field and hope that ultimately, somehow, something will happen and resolve it.

What Romney is saying, basically, is that if the Israeli-Palestinian conflict were a struggling corporation, Bain Capital would not bother to take it over and restructure it. There’s just no upside there.

Oh, also, at the very end of the video Romney mentions casually:

On the other hand, I got a call from a former secretary of state. I won’t mention which one it was, but this individual said to me, you know, I think there’s a prospect for a settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis after the Palestinian elections. I said, “Really?” And, you know, his answer was, “Yes, I think there’s some prospect.” And I didn’t delve into it.

GUESSING GAME! There are four he-Secretaries of State still alive, all Republicans: Powell, Baker, Schultz, and Kissinger. Which one called up Romney with this exciting news about possible movement in one of the world’s most intractable and geopolitically crucial conflicts? Enh, who cares, if he really had any idea how to fix this thing he would have done it while he was in office. Fuck that guy. Mitt Romney’s got poor people to slag on, he doesn’t have time for this. [MoJo]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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168 comments

      1. Negropolis

        But, but the Israeli's are always cutting down their groves for fence-building or settlements or just because, so get it while you can.

  1. ChernobylSoup

    "Mr. Gorbachev, this wall is big and could probably be taken down with a track hoe, cranes, and industrial strength cables, but that's a lot of work."

  2. Fox n Fiends

    It was Kissinger. He's been right 5% of the time, thus qualifying him to advise Bishop Romney on Wild Speculation.

      1. Kid_Charlemagne

        It would also continue a long Republican tradition of having war criminals as foreign policy advisors.

  3. BaldarTFlagass

    Re: the Secretary of State thing. He didn't say it was a US secretary of state. It could have been the genius Secretary of State of Ohio, Jon Husted.

    1. chicken_thief

      Prolly Secretary of State of one of those countries where Romney parks his dinero. They actually give a shit about the guy.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    According to my conservative friend, NOBAMA will be too busy on Letterman whilst Bibi is here at the UN, so Mitt should welcome him at the airport. I have no idea what this translates to in real life, but I WOULD LOVE to see Mitt standing there with one of those limo-pick-up-signs by the baggage claim, he could tell him all about his secret friend with the plan.
    .

      1. Lavenderp

        If left to his own devices, he'd end up at some other airport, but he has people who take care of these things…

    1. Sue4466

      Am I a bad person for just laughing my ass off every time I think about these tapes being released the same day the Romney campaign was all like "today's the day we take the campaign in a new direction"? Because, I got a serious case of the giggles.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        It was also the 150th Anniversary of the Battle of Antietam. Some 22,000 Americans killed and wounded in a single day.

        The butcher's bill is remarkable similar to our military losses in Afghanistan and Iraq since we started those wars – some 6,000 KIA and another 17,000 wounded.

        Antietam was the turning point in the American Civil War. Lincoln used this "victory" to issue the Emancipation Proclamation. English mill workers in Manchester went on strike for a couple of years, refusing to work Confederate cotton.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        It's the beginning of the fourth quarter, (r)Money recovered a fumble, and he's rambling down the field without a defender in sight.

        Unfortunately, he's headed for Obama's endzone.

    1. Lavenderp

      Ah, yes- if the Palestinians want to get anywhere with Mitt, they should indicate that they're interested in learning more about LDS & does he have any literature he can share with them?

  5. 1stNewtontheMoon

    This is the same "don't bother" answer to raising taxes on the rich. I mean, jeez, you could do that but they've got lawyers and accountants and cayman island and swiss accounts, and show-horses, and what-not. they're just going to figure it out and avoid paying them. so don't even bother. let's expend our energy and political capital to find some other way to alienate women (shove things in their nether regions as part of government policy), minorities (easy), gays (who?), the poor (no, really, who?)…and oh yeah, preserve our wealth and increase our share.

  6. Generation[redacted]

    The entire rest of the Mideast, on the other hand, could be easily solved simply by having a President Romney who is more assertive and respected.

    1. Callyson

      Along with several Israelis…this *might* just be the issue that unites them after all.

      "Hell, we've got our differences, but we can't let this guy get into the White House…"

  7. freakishlywrong

    We'll be at war with Iran and then the U.S.S.R and then probably Czechoslovakia so he won't have time to address this.

  8. SoBeach

    A Romney presidency would kick a lot of cans down the road. A LOT. All of them, really. Except eliminating all taxes on capital gains, interest income, and estates. That part would get done right away.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, and probably the gutting of Medicare and the privatization of Social Security and the criminalization of union membership. Those would probably get done pretty quickly too.

      1. SoBeach

        Pretty quick. Once all cap gains and estate taxes are eliminated we will no longer be able to afford all those nice-to-haves like Social Security and Medicare. So sorry, they'll have to go.

  9. JerkCade

    Anyway, if we stop calling it 'the holy land' or 'the land of milk and honey' then maybe people will stop fighting over who gets to live there.

    They should rename it 'Detroit.'

  10. Rosie_Scenario

    Who cares about Israel? I hear that the Garden of Eden was actually located in Missouri. USA! USA! USA!

      1. HistoriCat

        Maybe not Paradise but I've always considered the Kappa Alpha Theta house at Mizzou to be my happy place. Yum.

    1. PubOption

      There is a town called Willard in Missouri, but I'm not sure if it's anywhere near the Mormon garden of Eden.

  11. Peckerwood_Pete

    I know how to solve the "Israeli-Palestinian" conflict…. move Israel to North Dakota… problem solved….

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I can remember back when the Six Day War started, my father saying that Truman should have given Mississippi to the Jews, because the blacks in Mississippi were already used to being treated like shit. Problem solved.

    2. docterry6973

      Good plan! not many people and the Canucks probably won't bother them much. We could give Israel all the Indian land. Those layabouts don't deserve it.

    3. Lascauxcaveman

      It'd be worth it if they'd go for it. Buy the whole damn state (and South Dakota, too) for what we spend on a couple years in military aid on those guys. Too bad they're so sentimental about Jerusalem and Bethlehem and all those tired, worn out, dusty places.

  12. Toomush_Infer

    So, the Ostrich Solution will continue to hold traction in the Romney administration – for this, and for all other touchy areas of policy – isn't it hard to kick the ball down the field with your head in the sand?

  13. Clancy_Pants

    I think you're gonna find, when all this shit is over, I think you're gonna find yourself one smiling motherfucker. The thing is, Willard, right now you got ability. But painful as it may be, ability don't last. And your days are just about over. Now that's a hard motherfuckin' fact of life, but that's a fact of life your ass is gonna have to get realistic about. See, this business is filled to the brim with unrealistic motherfuckers. Motherfuckers who thought their ass would age like wine. If you mean it turns to vinegar, it does. If you mean it gets better with age, it don't. Besides, Willard, how many fights do you think you got in you anyhow? Two? ex Governors don't have an Old Timers Place. You came close but you never made it. And if you were gonna make it, you would have made it before now. You're mine, dig?

  14. kittensdontlie

    I am not sure about Mutton's message, but judging from the one fellow stuffing his face, the food there seems to be well recieved.

      1. CthuNHu

        No. No, it is not.

        It is the antithesis of an ethos.

        It is the absence of an ethos.

        It is the negation of the concept of an ethos.

        It is a mockery of a shunning of a scorning of a lack of a void of a vacuum of the utter nonexistence of the null set of any ethos whatsoever. That, and entirely and only that, is what it is.

          1. CthuNHu

            Yet there is something for the GOP to be afraid of, when they discover that there's nothing there to tie the party together.

  15. GregComlish

    "I understand that in this room of rich Florida donors there are Jews who with differing opinions on this complex issue, so in my upcoming remarks I will make a half-ass attempt to pander to each of them."

  16. SheriffRoscoe

    Guys, it's getting so that you can't blurt out stupid shit to your own friends without the whole world finding out. Mitt should go lock himself in one of his houses and wait it out until election day. That way, he would have a chance of being a respectable failure versus an embarrassing failure. Trust me, I know from which I speak.

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    "On the one hand, the Palestinians are monsters who don’t want peace; and, on the other, solving this problem is hard so why bother."

    Plus, Palestinians = brown & muslim so two strikes already.

    1. Negropolis

      Except when they are Christian, and nobody gives two shits about the Palestinian Christians. No one.

      There you have one of the oldest Christian communities on the globe, and not even the evangelicals can give a fuck.

  18. ManchuCandidate

    Of course solving the Israeli Palestinian Conflict is hard, Mittens. It's not like you can buy Israel and Palestine then bankrupt them and outsource both groups of peoples hatred for each other.

    Of course, following the Bibi plan of blowing the fucking shit out of Palestinians isn't going to work either.

  19. GeorgiaMike

    The only way Mittens will waste any time on the Palestinians is after he fixes it so the poor all become servants and the rich pay no taxes at all.

  20. Callyson

    There are four he-Secretaries of State still alive, all Republicans: Powell, Baker, Schultz, and Kissinger. Which one called up Romney with this exciting news about possible movement in one of the world’s most intractable and geopolitically crucial conflicts?

    It's *got* to be Kissinger. He's been dying to be relevant again for decades now, and he sees in Romney a chance he did not have with Tricky Dick: he could single-handedly run American foreign policy.

    Shudder…

    1. Beach_Bubba_Tex

      But all the good wars are already in planning. Henry likes to be bold, original… a war criminal's war criminal. By the way, I think Shultz is dead, but that may not be an issue with Mitt.

      1. sewollef

        It's not an issue.

        Mitt likes to have long conversations with Robert Bacon, who — at 37 days — has much more experience with the foreigners.

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    "Also, look at that map. All those little triangles, those are the tents of the Palestinians, right? Why can't they just fold up those tents and move somewhere else?"

  22. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    The media is so unfair, making poor Mittens look bad by reporting what he says, word for word. Fucking lamestream librul media.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      That might curtail his travel plans, if he ever decides to explore the world outside his trailer park.

    2. Steverino247

      Hand him over.

      I'm all for expressing what horseshit religions are, but when doing so might get people killed, i usually tone it down a bit.

    3. Negropolis

      Well, this should totally diffuse the situation. lol

      Really, this new Egyptian government should just mind it's own fuckin' business, because it's getting really annoying. Doesn't it have a country to build?

  23. LibertyLover

    On the other hand, I got a call from a former secretary of state…. but this individual said to me, you know, I think there’s a prospect for a settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis after the Palestinian elections. I said, “Really?” And, you know, his answer was, “Yes, I think there’s some prospect.” And I didn’t delve into it.

    Why not? Did you have to take a nappy or something? What was so pressing that you couldn't get a wee bit more information on how peace could be brought to the M.E.? After all, Carter was able to get Sadat and Begin to sit down and hammer out a peace agreement….
    Seems like that would be a natural next question: "How? Mr. ex-Sec. of State?"

    Asshat.

  24. Baba_NinjaCat12

    When the Geography Wizard Mitt becomes a President, I am going to join the Army. When the U.S. is at war with Iran, our brilliant 45th president can send us to Irian, a peaceful and tropical paradise on the western half of island of New Guinea. Bets the hell hole of an oven Iranian desert. Irian is close enough to Iran, so what's the difference.

  25. fuflans

    you know, this is really terrible. a candidate for the (current) most powerful office on earth says he has no interest in solving one of the world's most destructive situations (and one that is a root cause of several of the world's other destructive problems) because it is 'too hard' and (no doubt – though he's too cowardly to mention it – because he's seen other administrations blow tons of political capital on mediterranean shores).

    wtf? if you don't want to deal with hard things, why do you want to be president? this guy's got nothing. patently unsuited for office.

    sorry for unfunny. the more i think about this, the worse it gets.

    at least sarah palin thought she believed in something.

    1. HistoriCat

      Exactly – you don't get to just say "well, I've got nothing. Let's hope things change somehow." I mean, I know we do that with lots of situations but to basically say, "too hard – pass" is a complete abdication of responsibility. Even W knew you couldn't just ignore the Israeli-Palestinian situation.

  26. Beach_Bubba_Tex

    I hate sequels… never as good as the original. I guess we have to wait for Mother Jones to post the third one where Cheney appears and convinces Mitt that he is his father…. SEEN it…

  27. banana_bread

    No no, Romney, punting on tough foreign issues is MY job because I'm a stay at home mom with an art degree. YOU are trying to lead one of the most powerful nations in the world. STOP TAKING MY JOB ROMNEY

  28. chicken_thief

    Here we go again. The elitist librul in-the-tank for Hussein media twisting the Jerb Creators words. Have they no decency?

  29. lumpenprole

    It's actually a funny story how Mitt decided what to do about Israel. He lost a basketball game, to a friend of his, David Corn. He's a huge supporter of the campaign.

  30. DerrickWildcat

    Well I've been watching a lot Fox today, and did you know that Obama's foreign policy is responsible for radical Islamists acting like total turds? They never acted like that before Obama was President.

  31. no_gravity

    "These are problems – These are very hard to solve, all right."

    Mittens was just trying to riff on the JFK going to the moon speech:

    "We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too."

    But as usual, it's just another #RomneyEncore.

  32. Smithboy

    Mitt study the way the world banded together to end apartheid and human rights violations in South Africa and apply the same game plan to Israel. Done!

  33. Guppy

    Mitt, while waxing geopolitical and showing off his smarts, states confidently that the West Bank borders Syria

    You'd think a former LDS bishop would know more about Holy Land geography. Oh, wait…

    On the other hand, I got a call from a former secretary of state.

    He never said US Secretary of State. Considering the "people" he surrounds himself with, he probably has Delaware's SoS on speed-dial.

  34. Tundra Grifter

    The "it makes my head hurt so I'm going to stop thinking about it" thingie worked out so well for George Bush and the folks living in Israel and Palestine.

  35. anniegetyerfun

    you know, I think there’s a prospect for a settlement between the Palestinians and the Israelis after the Palestinian elections. I said, “Really?” And, you know, his answer was, “Yes, I think there’s some prospect.” And I didn’t delve into it.

    THERE. RIGHT THERE. That's the kind of intellectual curiosity and work ethic that you really want in the leader of the USA.

    1. oenspiek

      "And I didn’t delve into it. "

      Oh, my freaking lack of god.

      Aside from a money tropism, there's nothing in the suit.

  36. mavenmaven

    There's no money to be made there, let's just move on to more profitable safer areas like Japan and China. Oops!

  37. calliecallie

    "You hope for some degree of stability, but you recognize that this is going to remain an unsolved problem. We live with that in China and Taiwan."

    I don't think China and Taiwan is remotely the same kind of situation, actually. Mittens better be careful before he alienates yet another group of foreigners.

  38. NYNYNYjr

    I really like that last quote….. ha ha. Really? I said. Then I didn't delve into it. That's my Mitt. I love you Mitt.

  39. Chet Kincaid_

    "However, a former National Security Advisor gave me a call and said the two-state solution could still work, if we let the Israelis keep Manhattan and give the Palestinians Dearborn, Michigan."

  40. ttommyunger

    In truth, a Two-State solution is not viable because Israel will not agree that Palestine be armed for defense of its borders and Palestinians will not agree without that proviso. One-State solution is not viable because Israel understands that the Palestinians outnumber the Israelis in multiples and unlike the fecund Muslims, are not even reproducing their population one for one. Any Representative Government would be dominated by Palestinians within two generations based on demographic representation alone. It is, in fact, an intractable problem. Mitt came close to the truth, for once.

  41. Negropolis

    And I didn't delve into it.

    Isn't that basically the problem with Romney in a nutshell? You know, that he's the Money Badger. He just doesn't give a shit…about anything, really.

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