insult comedy

Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible

Never go Full RomneySoooo, we’re all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to … how the French say … shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad — so terrible — that we talked to more than one New Yorker who mistily evinced a longing for the dignified reign of George W. Bush. But surely, 49 days out, there is something Miffed Romney can do to fix it? Never give up! Never surrender! Sure. Sure there is. (Though the seemingly easiest one, “Stop insulting people,” is obviously impossible and has therefore been removed from consideration.) Herewith, in the spirit of The Week (“Get more specific,” “Fire up the zzzzzz”) we offer five of them.

1. Have a buxom blonde lady (administrative assistant, private jet stewardess) say you stuck your hand up her skirt. But have her say you were super foxy and sexy about it and she totally succumbed. Twenty point bump among white men, for having a penis! And possibly white women, who would like to see a comeuppance for that cunty Ann, whom absolutely nobody likes.

2. Go full Wallace. Segregation today, segregation forever! Stop talking about the 47 percent, and start talking about coloreds. (Better yet, totally use the N-word.) Sure, David Brooks will be mad. But David Brooks is probably not going to vote for you anyway, due to the startling incompetence and stuff.

3. Just go to Greece man, clear your head, get away. Walk on the shore, with your wife, or a waitress, or a dude. Doesn’t matter! Relax! Take a cruise on your yacht! Return any time after Nov. 7.

4. Fire everyone. Hire Christine O’Donnell’s campaign manager instead. Pretty sure as head of Bain you learned about destroying the village in order to save it. Do that.

5. There is no number five. It’s gonna be a Reagan/Mondale style curb job. Sorry dude. You are just really, really bad at this.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Tequila Mockingbird

    "Hi, it's me, Mitt. Listen, I'm sorry baby, sometimes the words just don't come out right. You just got me so twisted up inside. I can do better. I'm gonna be the POTUS you and I both know I can be. It’s just that you make me so mad sometimes. Why do you make me do this to you, baby? I love you, America, and I'm gonna make it right, I promise."

    • thejazzmonger

      Creepy, but…. pretty much on target.

    • kittensdontlie

      That's a great intro for a love song, I just don't know which one….?

    • prommie

      America should learn not to be so clumsy and stop walking into doorknobs.

      • the_cuntress

        Except Mittens seems to be the one who keeps walking into doorknobs…after punching himself in the face? What's a non-sexy term for self-flagellation slash masochism?

        • doloras

          Cutting.

    • bobbert

      You've been on fire the last few days.

    • Peckerwood_Pete

      I'm having a hard time reading you posts… your avatar is very "distracting"… not quite as sexy as mine, but almost… almost….

    • TribecaMike

      Make my life harder, Mitt! Harder!!!!

  • http://for-the-turnstiles.blogspot.com 4TheTurnstiles
    • banana_bread

      oh, NICE.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Well, he is one of those 47%ers that pays no income tax.

  • Cleopatriot

    I don't think Romney really wants the job. Sure, it would look good on his resume, but deep down inside, he doesn't really want to be President.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I had the same reaction after watching the videos: I wonder if maybe he's just trying to beef up his Rolodex for when he loses?

    • pdiddycornchips

      I think he DOES want the job but gets annoyed at having to cater to people he is so obviously superior to. Once on the job, he'll work hard at making his friends richer and go back to ignoring the rest of us. RMoney sees himself as corporate Viceroy. He will do his best to promote the interests of business, making sure corporate taxes are lowered, wage earners pay more and wreck what's left of the gains Labor made in the first part of the last century. Sorry but this is snark free.

      • pepperpat

        He's nothing but an emotional six-year-old who sees something someone else has that he doesn't, and wants it for no other reason than that.

        • bonghitforjesus

          Sorta like Bobby Newport (without the childish charm..)

    • Terry

      He probably ran because it's been expected of him since he was a kid.

      • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

        Being elected President will make Mitt's dad love him more when he was a child.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Retroactive love?

          Hm. Maybe I can get that little slattern I had the hots for at 13 to love me if I win the Presidency.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Small problem: she's not 13 anymore :(

    • Katydid

      I think he really really really wants to GET the job. I think he has no idea what to do with it beyond that.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Yep – he totally makes me think of my dog chasing squirrels. You just know she has no idea what to do if she ever gets one.

        • HobbesEvilTwin

          My dog has caught a squirrel – it isn't pretty what a schnauzer does to a squirrel. It would be equally ugly to see what Romney would do the poors.

          • BerkeleyBear

            Mine's a schnauzer too, but the one time she got near anything (a rabbit kit) she couldn't figure out how to actually kill it, which was pretty pathetic I'm pretty sure the neighborhood fox finished it off.

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          I watched my dogs get a squirrel a couple of months ago. They killed the shit out of it, then took it off somewhere. They came home smelling like rotted rodent later.

          My hunch is that they took a tax deduction for a capital loss (Livestock), mortgaged the carcass heavily, and sold it to some coyotes.

        • Katydid

          Difference is, your dog can fuck over one squirrel at a time. I don't want to think about all the destruction if Romney can steal the election.

          Sort of O/T, but the more I learn about the 2004 election, the more I'm convinced Bush stole that one too. Am I becoming a conspiracy nut?

        • finallyhappy

          yup, my part foxhound tore up 2 possums- the first one crawled away- but the second one was dead and bloody. Pretty sure Romney is more likely to be the possum

      • CrankyLttlCamperette

        My grandpa said the same thing about McCain last go-round: "That man wants to win the election, but he doesn't want to be President."

        • Katydid

          I think they're all nuts, every single politician. It seems as if it's nothing but a big "how much can I get them to love me" contest. I guess you have to have a huge ego to even run for president, Obama included, but it seems that, deep down, there is an insecurity there that drives them to work like crazy just to prove that people love them. Just like actors, I think.

    • YasserArraFeck

      I don't think he knows why he wants to be Prez, but he's been campaigning for this gig for so long that he's forgotten any other way. He wants it so bad that he can practically taste it, and it's a little creepy to see him tie himself in knots, pandering in every direction for votes. It's a little sad seeing a grown man kiss so much ass.

    • Callyson

      I think he may have wanted it at one point, but now that he has seen how often he would have to deal with "us people," he'd rather not get his hands dirty.

      That said, I just hope we're not prematurely celebrating his demise–call me paranoid, but I'll save the champagne for the date his demise is a done deal…

      • viennawoods13

        Good. Don't tempt the wrath of the… whatever, from high atop the thing

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Maybe Mitt thinks the presidency is a ponzi scheme and he wants in.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I'm with you. The guy's not a natural leader of the public. I'm sure he's just fine as a CEO (I mean, aside from the bankrupting companies thing). At least with people like W., the drive to BE President was there, if only for one very narrow reason ("Gonna kill that man who done threatened muh daddy!"), but with Romney, it does feel very much like something he just wants to check off a list, like going to a good college and marrying a pretty lady.

      He just can't understand why it isn't being handed to him like everything else.

  • Barbara_

    Number 6: Have Ann step into the Southfork bathroom, see Mitt in the shower, have one of the maids rub her eyes for her in disbelief, and announce the whole thing was a bad dream.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "…have one of the maids rub her eyes for her in disbelief"

      LOL

    • ThankYouJeebus

      Who shot MR?

      • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        AOTK, with votes!

    • Tundra Grifter

      $10,000 sez that's Meghan McCanns up in the hayloft.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      It has been a nightmare for me.

    • memzilla

      Sounds like the Suzanne Pleshette / Bob Newhart solution.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    He could retroactively retire in what was June, and hand the reins over to Santorum.

    He could allow himself to be tested by the USADA and be found to have steroids in his samples, thus forced to resign the campaign in disgrace.

    Nah. I think the blonde in the sweater is his best shot but he'll have to get zombie Mike Wallace to do the Sixty Minutes interview.

    EDIT: One thing occured to me just now.

    Produce and star in a quickie film "Butterstick 2: Electric Pandaloo"

  • Lucidamente1

    6. My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You fucked up! You trusted us!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        7. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture…

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          ROAD TRIP!

          • HogeyeGrex

            Mind if we dance with yo dates?

        • pepperpat

          on SOMEbody's part! I vote for you.

    • SorosBot

      But the angel Moroni told him not to!

      • pepperpat

        If their angel is named Moroni, why aren't they called Morons instead of Mormons? Or Moronians? Or Moronites? Or is this just a rhetorical question?

        • sullivanst

          Mormon and Moroni are different characters in Joseph Smith's work of fiction.

    • chicken_thief

      Ok. If I must….

    • CrankyLttlCamperette
  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Oh yeah, well what about the time Obama said that 57 States thing!

    • Misty Malarky

      BREAKING NEWS: Romney claims he once saw President Obama eat a booger.

    • Terry

      …and Obama still won't release his report cards from kindergarten.

    • chicken_thief

      REVEREND WRIGHT!!!!! Because MUZLIN!!!!

    • Callyson

      Reverend Wright! Guns and religion! And, um, something else!

      • bobbert

        Oops.

      • SmutBoffin

        TELOPROMPTAR

      • finallyhappy

        Saul Alinsky!

  • eggsacklywright

    Renounce the Moron Church and get all Christ-y.

    • kittensdontlie

      Or just pretend to be Christ. With some fancy pyrotechnics and the aid of a few magicians, it's definitely doable.

  • SorosBot

    He could try acting like an actual human being with empathy for once.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He's toast.

    • freakishlywrong

      Yeah. I guess. He could TRY..acting..

    • sullivanst

      He's been trying to do that for six years at least. If he hasn't worked it out by now, it's never gonna happen.

    • hagajim

      I think that's the problem – he has no ability to do that or he would have.

    • chicken_thief

      That is so Gov of Mass ago.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      good one!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Remember when Obama got jumped for suggesting empathy was a good characteristic for a Supreme Court Justice? Mittens is the logical extension of that view, a party completely devoid of capacity for recognizing empathy, much less actually having any.

    • Barrelhse

      Is he off to see the Wizard, then?

    • banana_bread

      He would, but since his programming was outsourced to crappy overseas code monkeys, they forgot to put that function in. You're gonna have to wait until iMitt 5 is released in 2016.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      There's no way the developers could push such a major patch through in fewer than 45 days.

    • bobbert

      Hahaha.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Ha! That's rich. Not as rich as Romney, but richer than some cheesecakes that I've sampled.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      And lose his support base? Remember, these were the people who cheered letting a guy without insurance just die instead of giving care. Republicans booed Ghandi…they are the people who think bearing a rapists child is a woman making lemonaide out of lemons and want to ban contraception in all cases. They also want to eject every undocumented hispanic, no exceptions. In other words they ARE cruel assholes and this shit appealed to the rabid activists. If RMoney tried to humanize himself and quit feeding them red meat he'd lose what base he has. No I think the problem is with the entire Republican Party and Mittens is well and truly fucked.

  • Tom

    WALL-E was more human than the Mitt bot.

  • SexySmurf

    6. Change name to Barack Obama; hope it confuses voters.

    • Misty Malarky

      Or wear one of those creepy Reagan masks at all future appearances.

  • Lucidamente1

    6. Tell everyone "When I came back from Viet Nam, I'd just had the greatest brainwashing that anybody can get."

    • Misty Malarky

      Somebody suggest to Mitt 'Why don't you pass the time by playing a little solitaire?' and watch the fun!

      • eggsacklywright

        Was Angela Lansbury retro-Mormonized?

      • sullivanst

        If Mitt ever becomes President, the first question he'll be asked is probably "Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess?"

    • SexySmurf

      That didn't work for McCain, so I don't think it will work for Romney.

      • sullivanst

        Didn't turn out so well for Daddy Romney, either.

    • chicken_thief

      Really effective if said in fluent French.

  • Slim_Pickins

    I am renaming Mitt, LURCH, which best describes his flip-flopping.

    • Steverino247

      You rang?

      • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

        OOh, Addams Family, Munsters (Ryan) crossover.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Or Star Trek's RUK. He was cool.

          • Swampgas_Man

            Not to mention That Guy in Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid.

    • sharethegrief

      Lurch lived down the street from me when I was a kid. He drove an MG or a Spitfire with the front seat removed. We'd wait outside at the usual time to see the almost 7' man in that tiny car. He was a nice guy and although long dead, he still has more heart that Romney.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Or LERP.

    • Swampgas_Man

      The late great Ted Cassidy deserves better.

  • Eve8Apples

    If Mittens would shut up and leave the country — go spend some time offshore with his dancing pony and his money — his approval numbers might go up.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    7. Gay-marry Paul Ryan and announce that, yes, you'll legalize pot.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Just in case anyone in Amercia has any remaining doubts about the depth of his convictions?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        But he really really means it this time!

        • sullivanst

          I've changed, baby, I promise.

          • Toomush_Infer

            This – this – this is the real Romney campaign slogan!!!!

    • chicken_thief

      Paul Ryan has a horse Mitt can claim as a deduction?! Or does that dead deer count?

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

      That would actually get my vote. Because I'm a parasite who just wants to lay on the couch stoned all day, watching Firefly reruns.

      • finallyhappy

        Did I tell you what Sean, Jewel and Adam said at Dragon Con- if Firefly had continued? Sean and Jewel would have had a family and Adam would have gotten his own ship and competed with Mal for jobs. Jewel said- You would always lose -but Adam said – I would win sometimes(actually first he said he would be their nanny)

      • bonghitforjesus

        someone's been peeking at my xmas list!

  • Not_Mother

    He could always call a press conference and order a nuclear strike on Iran. That'd probably work out real well.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hmmm… he's not technically president yet, but he *is* fantastically wealthy. Since this is America we're talking about, he just might get away with it!

  • ThundercatHo

    Look in the mirror. Say, "Hey, I have my hair. I have my health. I'm filthy rich. Why do I need this aggravation?" Call your realtor and buy a nice island somewhere. Get on your private plane and go. The servants can come later on your yacht.

    • freakishlywrong

      You can plant trees..that are the right height. You can have cheesy grits every day for breakfast.

    • eggsacklywright

      Nah, he's holding out for his own planet. Unfortunately, it's this one.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Clearly you don't understand high ambition. It's the curse of fantastically wealthy people who never had to work very hard to get their money.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Walk the Appalachian Trail to Argentina.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      He'll just love the stretch from Key West to Caracas. Best include water wings in his pack.

  • tihond

    6. The ghost of Breitbart returns with a HD video of Obama being born in Kenya. Baby O looks at the camera and says "I'm going to take all of your guns, America."

    • An_Outhouse

      with Michelle yelling in the backgorund "Honky, get your white ass back in that bathroom and wash it again until you get it right!" Would Michelle use 'Honky' or should it have been 'Cracker'?

      • tihond

        Whitey

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I dunno Mittens.

    1 Dress up in black face and pretend you're Obama
    2 On election night, pretend that Barry's electoral vote count is yours
    3 Hang out with the Paultards and become Preznit of 2nd Life.

    • HistoriCat

      4 Build your own replica Oval Office and act like you really won; insist everyone address you as "Mr. President"

  • FakaktaSouth

    I can report from "the other side" that the crazies have also turned their pitchforks inward.

    My most strident "proud picture with Alan West" (no kidding) poster-friend on the fb has an "Open Letter from the Tea Party" NOT denouncing what he said about kids and veterans not being entitled to food, of course, but being pissed about the "we gotta try to get the 10% of independent undecideds out there" –

    it is FULL ON Teatard time now, and these people are eating their "own" (they HATE him so much really) just like I knew they would. If ANYone shows up to vote for PresO in the election it will be one more somebody than Mitt has. I am sure of it.

    • SorosBot

      And I'm sure they are finding a way to lay the blame for the loss on Mitt himself, and not his message. Because conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

      • FakaktaSouth

        Oh ABSOLUTELY NOT – it's one of those WE ARE A CONSERVATIVE NATION, do not bow to the "22%" of liberals who want to buttsex us all on a pile of food stamps. They LOVED his 47% message, hate that he is ONLY saying it behind closed doors, think he should be this way HARDER. It's great, really. Because they are dumb and do not even realize they are talking about themselves when they start talking about the folks they wanna screw over.

        • qwerty42

          With a slavish dedication to an ideology that is hated and feared and a dynamic duo such as Romney AND Ryan, what could possibly go wrong? This is clearly good news for Mitt.

        • commiegirl99

          I want a pile of foodstamps to buttsex on!!!

          • FakaktaSouth

            ME. TOO. We should have come up with this plan BEFORE the Atlanta trip.

            I would like to clarify, I mean because we could have worked together to get the Foodstamps. Trying to do the other would be too you-porn-y and confusing, even for me.

          • prommie

            oh, THAT Atlanta trip.

          • FakaktaSouth

            Yes the one that ALREADY happened, hence the BEFORE. I got time before I go back to places I haven't been back to yet, helpfully, since things happen in that order.

          • James Michael Curley

            That was one hell of a road trip. Thanks for all of it and I hope you are getting back up to speed.

          • finallyhappy

            it is a plastic card- so not so comfy!

      • Callyson

        And it will completely escape their attention that Mittens' decline accelerated when he went along with their talking points: see his unwillingness to stand up against Limpballs during the Sandra Fluke brouhaha, and now with the 47% of Americans are freeloaders crap…

    • Terry

      I think between now and the election, I'm only going to watch TV shows that I've taped on my dvr. I really don't want to see the ads that Romney and Rove are going to run in the next few weeks.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        This is one of the key benefits of living in AZ… The state is locked down, so no Prez commercials. The other benefit is no DST.

        • Swampgas_Man

          Both sides took their money, said The hell w/ Pennsylvania, and went home.

      • finallyhappy

        yes- we get them because of Virginia! And who is this "independent" for Senate running against Cardin? I don't care but his commercials do interrupt my TV- although I do DVR mostly.

        • Terry

          Yeah, his version of "independent" apparently involves nothing but spouting platitudes.

    • chicken_thief

      Let's not forget that THE WORST PREZNIT EVAH still lives in the WH. The conservatives will vote for Putin before "letting" Obummerz win again.

    • Nothingisamiss

      Fakakta, you always cheer me up. And my FB shows the same, although I think the teatards believe it's their duty to vote the non-Muslin.

  • ph7

    Have a buxom blonde lady (administrative assistant, private jet stewardess) say you stuck your hand up her skirt. But have her say you were super foxy and sexy about it and she totally succumbed.

    Taylor Swift would be perfect. Bonus points for stealing her away from a Kennedy.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      and just imagine the song she'd write after the inevitable falling out.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      No, not Taylor Swift. Much too young, too pure-as-the-driven-snow. He doens't want to come across as child molester.

      Maybe that lady from Mad Men with the crazy huge stack? Romney'd be a gad-danged hero to the entire male race if he pulled that one off.

      • sullivanst

        I think where his image is at at the moment, child molester might be a step up.

    • oenspiek

      There's plenty of trailer trash out there that makes rethug noises. One of them would surely cooperate, for a consideration. Probably it would only cost a C-note and maybe a case of Lone Star.

  • pinkocommi

    I am not sure about Mitt saying the "N" word. He seems more of a "macaca" guy to me.

    • LibertyLover

      Naw….I'm pretty sure he uses the word "Negro"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I think "those people" or "you people" is working just fine.

    • Terry

      He should use a Spanish language term as a nod to his polygamous Mexican relatives.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you mean something awkward that's never actually been said by a human?

    • Katydid

      I really don't think Mitt is remotely racist. I think he's entirely concerned with the people who count, and the people who don't, and that includes everybody who doesn't have $100 million, and a rich daddy.

  • Simcoe

    Romney just fucking D.E.N.N.I.S.ed the country.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    He needs the full Herman Cain treatment.
    Something like: 4 and 7, takes us to 11!
    *exhale smoke*

  • MistaEko

    7. "All right, if you guys have soooooo many reservations, then go ahead, vote for Barack Obama. No, I won't be upset. Really. Not at all. That's fine with me."

    • CivicHoliday

      Reverse psychology works with 3 year olds, so maybe just maybe you've found a way to snag the teatards

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    What's odd is how Mittens got the GOP nomination, when he was possibly… the least popular GOP candidate during the primaries (and that's an incredible accomplishment given the a-holes who were running). And that's pretty sad, considering he was running against guys like Rick Perry and Rick Santorum. Ive honestly never met an actual human being who *liked* Mitt Romney.

    On a related note… I may just vote Gary Johnson this year. I'm getting too old for this 2 party shit.

    • sullivanst

      Ask Editrix how she feels about voting Nader in '00. Go on, ask.

      • bobbert

        I dunno how Editrix feels, but since she lives in California, I think her vote for Nads was perfectly okay. (Note: I voted for Gore).

        There is something to be said for the idea of voting "fuck both your houses", to try to send a message to the ostensibly-more-liberal major party. As long as the vote happens in a state where there is no chance of inadvertently electing the greater of the two evils.

        • sullivanst

          I've encountered Nader voters from Florida also. Very, very, very apologetic, very remorseful Nader voters from Florida.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            As well they should be.

        • Peckerwood_Pete

          I used to go along the whole "lesser of 2 evils" thing too… (except for Perot in 92), but after 20 years of voting for mostly establishment, lesser of 2 evils guys (usually the Democrat), but for lack of a better phrase… I'm just fucking over the bullshit… I'll vote for Johnson… and according to my Republitard friends in SC, I'm supposedly "helping Obama" anyway, so that ought to make some of you guys happy!

          • Lascauxcaveman

            It's your vote. By the time election day rolls around, we'll have good idea of who will win all but a very few tossup states. And if Romney is anywhere near winning your state, then fuck you and go straight to hell if he wins it.

            Like I said, it's your vote :)

    • An_Outhouse

      Dr. Jill Stein (Green) is hotter and saner.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        This

        Or write me in. I can pass the FBI vetting

  • freakishlywrong

    Didn't Mittens say just the other day about when he says something the whole world is listening? Jesus Christ, man, how fucking embarrassing.

  • Tequila Mockingbird
    • YasserArraFeck

      And after this fiasco, "I won't be baaaaack"

  • RadioX

    7. Say he's going to resign shortly after the inauguration and hand over the keys to the WH to smug boy.

  • jodyleek

    Quit running for president. Leave all your worldly possessions behind and walk the earth, like Cain in Kung Fu.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      And become part of the Bum Percent.

    • An_Outhouse

      It looks like Phish's tour has concluded. I'm sure there must be someone else groovy to follow around.

  • MonkeyHamlet

    At this point, Mitty Boo Boo's only hope is for an October surprise involving a joint apparition by Moroni and Second Amendment Jesus at a NASCAR track announcing that God will no longer sit quietly on Planet Kolob whipping up gay marriage retaliation hurricanes and allow a socialist, Kenyan, "Community Organizer" to continue destroying the greatest country He ever created. Moroni will also announce that Mittens will not be going to Kolob because he's a dick.

  • Misty Malarky

    If he'll enter the stage at the first debate riding a prancing Rafalca I'll vote for the man.

    • ph7

      dressed only in black leather chaps.

      • chicken_thief

        PAT BOONE LIBELZ!!!!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        It was a great salad, the first time I tasted it.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      I'd sooner vote for the horse, or the pile it leaves behind.

    • Nothingisamiss

      I wouldn't vote for him, but I'd tell him I would and then say I'd been speaking inartfully off the cuff out of my usual context.

      • pepperpat

        Very scallywaggy of you!

    • Beach_Bubba_Tex

      Ok, me too… but he has to have the chaps too

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    He could renounce all his worldly possessions, disavow all the craven self-interested and callous political stances he's taken, have a complete change of heart and become an entirely new person. Or maybe just unzip that skin of his and come out as the fork-tongued baby-eating lizard that everyone knows him to be.

    • LibertyLover

      I wonder if that's what he did with that baby after they filmed that last commercial?

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ MumbletyX

    I haven't given up on Mitts. There's still time for a Hail Moroni pass.

  • ThankYouJeebus

    "Never give up. Never surrender."
    By Grabthar's Hammer, Mitt shall be avenged!

    • commiegirl99

      I knew there would be one. YOU HAVE WON THE PRIZE!

      • ThankYouJeebus

        Let's get out of here before someone kills Guy.

  • MistaEko

    They should really do that whole "unleash Paul Ryan" and his Randian worldview they were talking about Monday morning.

    /Seriously how can you not love this field

    • Terry

      Then ask Ryan how he reconciles his Randian world view with Catholicism. The two really don't mix.

    • qwerty42

      Oh lord. If they unleash Paul Ryan we are DOOMED!!!
      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
      (gasp)
      hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
      yeah. Doomed.

  • Chichikovovich

    Well, in the first video he called 47% of the electorate shiftless parasites, and in the second he rejected the idea that a peaceful resolution to the Palestinian problem is desirable and worth working for.

    I think his only hope of turning this around is to call Latin American immigrants "taco jockeys" whose "primitive culture" used to sacrifice children, and hence they can't understand his message of success.

  • SexySmurf

    7. Three words: Free Cheesy Bread!

    (Worked for Domino's)

  • Wadisay

    Campaign needz moar FCINO sheep with glowing red eyes.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    8. Abortions for some, small American flags for others!

    • qwerty42

      Gay abortions?

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    8. Just turn over the campaign to Chris Christie, who wants to be President more than you do.

  • Beetagger

    Time to hike the Appalachian Trail, dude.

  • Pragmatist2

    Is "cunty" an actual word?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I heard it used in an episode of Sopranos. So, yes.

      • Pragmatist2

        As a native of New Jersey I consider The Sopranos to be an authoritative source of idiomatic English so I appreciate the reference.

      • sullivanst

        I heard it used frequently by Howard Stern. So again, yes.

    • Nostrildamus

      More of a lifestyle.

    • freddymcmurray

      The real word is "cuntesque", but that's too French.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Sorry dude. You are just really, really bad at this.

    But I'm not sorry. I'm really relieved, frankly. I thought he was going to be a lot better at this campaigning thing, and we were going to get a true nail-biter of an election. I thought he was going to move to the center after the convention, but he moved right. I thought he was going to pick a likeable, conciliatory veep, and he picked a polarizing firebrand, and he keeps doing it; everything he needs to lose the undecideds.

    Now it looks more like an Obama-coattails type of situation, which pleases me.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Just wait until the first debate. The rats will be filling the SS (r)Money's lifeboats like rich fucks getting off the Titanic.

    • Terry

      He's been practicing running for President for YEARS. You'd have thought he'd have it down by now.

      • SorosBot

        You'd have though he would have fucking paid his taxes so he wouldn't have to hide them, but nope.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          I thought about this last night: he's had six years to bring his money back onshore to mitigate the whole tax thing, but is he that fucking greedy that fifteen percent would make such a big hole in his wallet?

          • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            You have to ask?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Well, I mean, he becomes President, he gets the keys to Fort Knox. It's a small sacrifice to make.

        • sullivanst

          Mitt doesn't pay taxes. Only the little people pay taxes.

          • viennawoods13

            Except for the 47% who are worthless parasites.

    • JerkCade

      It's almost like he's very deliberately and with forethought ensuring that he only does those types of things that would lose him the election.

      On purpose.

    • Bezoar

      Could he really be a liberal mole?

    • Nothingisamiss

      It's hearing things like this that make me worry. My blue-state friends….do not underestimate the tard/inhumane vote.

  • tihond

    He could start a kickstarter to fund "America II," a floating Republican paradise where the rentboys are cheap, the abortions are illegal and taxes are low, low, low.

    • sullivanst

      Amercia libel!

    • An_Outhouse

      Amercia

    • Sacanagem

      I'll take "what is Miami?" for $400, Alex.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The best thing Willard can do is just keep being himself and leave quietly after the inevitable November smackdown. Hell, he hasn't even debated Obama yet. You just know that'll go well for him. I'm personally looking forward to Papa Joe mopping the floor with Eddie Munster.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Let's never underestimate the Democrats' ability to fuck this up.

    • eggsacklywright

      Right, this is all a trick to make Dims overconfident and stay home and let the voting machines do their magic voodoo.

    • qwerty42

      Well, there is that …

    • anniegetyerfun

      This. No one snatches defeat from the jaws of victory like the Democratic Party!

      • DoktorThompson

        Boston Red Sox say hi!

    • Arkoday

      Or misunderestimate the utter stupidity of the other 47%.

    • ttommyunger

      Excellent point; they are the Masters of Fuck-Up.

  • SexySmurf

    8. Get Quentin Tarantino to put you in his next movie.

    (Worked for Travolta).

    • Chichikovovich

      Good point! It worked for Sinatra too!

      [Hey Mitt! Two words: horse's head]

  • Steverino247

    He could work with Mother Theresa–retroactively, of course.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    More bad news for Romney, the Mayor of Gotham City is shining a giant Herman Caine light into the night sky.

    • Peckerwood_Pete

      Oh, why Herman Cain got to be the Dark Knight now… cause he black?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yup. Affimative Action = racsim.

        [/channeling Clarence Thomas]

  • Terry

    Just four years ago, we thought McCain had the worst campaign ever, highlighted by his choice for V.P. It is stunning that Mitt was able to outdo that.

    • An_Outhouse

      Given what we know now, I see why McCain chose Palin. Holy shit!

  • LibertyLover

    Mr. Entitlement thinks it's his turn though.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Putting my professional campaign consultant hat on, I would advise Romney as thus:

    (1) Deny that's you in the video. Claim it's a "go-pro" fraud, all computer animation like the dolphin video last month.

    (2) Take charge of the news cycle. Announce that the day you're elected you intend to ban the sale of Chinese made goods in the US, privatize the Navy and layoff 50% of Congress.

    (3) Accuse Obama of something outrageous, like "Obama is negotiating with Aliens to turn Texas into a space brothel"

    (4) SHINY THINGS – over there!!!!!!

    (5) Bring a laser pointer to press conferences and see if they fall for it…

    • chicken_thief

      Karl, that you?

    • pepperpat

      You say (3) like it's a bad thing.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Hey, you guys–free pony Rafalca rides!!

  • Chichikovovich

    Ann, whom absolutely nobody likes.

    Really? How unexpected, given that she loves you women!!!!!!!

  • sullivanst

    For someone whose positive message about himself consists almost entirely of claims of personal competence acquired by having been A Businessman, he really is spectacularly incompetent at campaigning, isn't he?

    • An_Outhouse

      Is he competent at anything, really? He has inherited everything in his life, including business connections. It just shows that any warm body can do some jobs.

      • sullivanst

        He's clearly quite good at corporate raiding, and inventing fictitious shell corporations to avoid liability and/or taxes.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Once you have enough money, you can hire people who are good at things.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Hell, he even inherited his own self-made man….

  • scionkirk

    It's a sad sad day for Republicans when they can't win elections by scaring people with explosions

    • LibertyLover

      Yeah, and using the fear of teh gays isn't working so much anymore either.

    • hagajim

      They tried to scare us about the Messicans, but a lot of farmers are hurting pretty bad because they can't get anyone to bring in the crop.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    9. Hie to Kolob.

  • JoeHoya

    Just to recap, Barack Obama's Republican opponents since he left the Illinois Statehouse have been: Alan Keyes, John McCain and Mitt Romney.

    Talk about a charmed life.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea, but does that speak of his luck or the shallow gene pool in the GOP?

      I really don't think there was anyone, except maybe Jeb Bush, who could have given Obama a run for his money this year, and even Jeb would have had the ghost of his brother sitting on his shoulder.

      • sullivanst

        Also speaks to GOP fear amongst those who thought they'd be viable. Didn't want to lose and spoil their chances in '16.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Yea. I kinda wonder why Ryan was dumb enough to sign on. What fatal disease did he contract?

    • pdiddycornchips

      Well, you left out Hilz but I see your point. Sorry but once a PUMA always a PUMA

    • chicken_thief

      There was that guy with the hot wife who were swingers, also, too.

      • banana_bread

        Every day I thank Seven of Nine for delivering Obama to us.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    17. fire paul ryan and hire sarah palin.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think he should just go all Howard Hughes and become a total recluse. Maybe he could buy Vegas, too.

    • Tundra Grifter

      I can see (r)Money sitting in a bathrobe, fingernails like a Chinese emperor, Kleenex boxes on his feet.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        "I coulda been a contendah."

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Don't listen to them mittens! Just keep doin what youre doin and relegate the GOP to a permanent minority. It's really the only solution that makes sense.

    • sullivanst

      Certainly would seem about the only scenario I can imagine him actually doing good for his country.

  • RRoccoco

    My comment supporting the trip to Greece was "deleted by the adminstrator" when I hit "submit comment'. I can't understand why. I love Wonkette, everyone who posts comments, and all the intrepid correspondents and editors. I don't even use colorful language, though I appreciate it when others do so. What gives?

    • Katydid

      It's Rebecca's day to delete every 19th comment. No one can explain it.

    • eggsacklywright

      We love you, too, Rocky. Prolly just a innertube hiccup.

    • pdiddycornchips

      Maybe you love Wonkette a little too much? Wonkette needs its space. Maybe Wonkette is feeling smothered, unable to breathe, like she's disappearing into you.

    • hagajim

      Maybe Wonkette has something against either the Greeks, or doing it greek style?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Not to my recollection….

    • sullivanst

      Did it include the word "trіgger" or "retаrd"? Those are good ways to have comments "deleted by the administrator" instantly, unless you mess around with charmap in the Cyrillic unicode subrange.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Stay away from Charmap, that planet is a fucking methane freakshow.

    • ttommyunger

      Just post it on twitter and fugettaboutit.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Rebecca:

    Coucer de merde?

    • LibertyLover

      Depends. ;-)

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Technically, "A pris une merde dans le lit" or slang might be "merder a lit"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It's important to be able to recognize one's own shortcomings, and rather than try to overcome them, just go ahead and quit while you're "ahead."

    • Veritas78

      Everyone gets a Participation Prize! We could give him a Cayman Island or two.

  • mustangsavvy

    It's basically cuz Ann spells her name without an "e". As we all know from Anne Shirley of Green Gables fame….."Ann spelt without an "e" looks absolutely dreadful". QED.

    Also….perhaps Mitt should just hike the Appalachian Trail? Worked for Sanford! He didn't care about anything after that and look at him now, happily shagging his mistress-now-second-wife in Argentina. Or South Carolina. Depending on the weather.

  • Barbara_

    Terry, that made me laugh until I coughed a lot. Thanks.

  • pdiddycornchips

    6). Announce that although your name and Paul Ryan's name will remain on the ballot, all decisions will be made by Karl Rove, Victoria Jackson and Bibi Nyetanyahu.

    • Generation[redacted]

      And Tunces the Driving Cat will be his chauffeur

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    some are born great, some achieve greatness and some are mitt romney

  • LibertyLover

    I think he should just say: "Hey, Watch this!" And then drop on the floor and do a dozen one-armed pushups! Real Manly. (But he shouldn't do them in his mom jeans.)

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I read somewhere that AFA psychopath Bryan Fischer said that if Romney doesn't win the election, it's over and done for the Republican party.

    I only wish that there was some kind of guarantee behind that statement.

    • HistoriCat

      That's what I've been hoping for but since Bryan Fischer is wrong about everything, I see that my hopes are to be dashed once again.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      No, it's not over. They just need to move to the right, connect with real Americans…

      • Toomush_Infer

        That's so true – moving to the right will eventually result in them being a kind of hitleresque plutocracy, filled with white ex kkk, birchers, birthers and relgious devolutionists – a rapidly growing demographic which should reach its apex about 2050….

  • chicken_thief

    # whatevz. He could bet every person in the US $10k that Hussein will win again, thus motivating all to go vote for him.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    He could go full Mittbot and see if that works. Start screaming in his most robotic voice:

    "EXTERRRMINATE! EXTERRRMINATE! POOREST 47% OF HUMAN PARASITES MUST BE ELIMINATED!"

    He's already written them off anyways, and this can only help him with his base. I'm pretty sure this is going to happen, if it hasn't already on some other secret video.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Then, of course, disappear in the Retardis to save some other universe from classlessness…

      • sullivanst

        I thought Dr. Who was supposed to be the enemy of the Cybermen, not one of them.

  • ChrisM2011

    6: Boob job. people love boobs!

    • LibertyLover

      Wouldn't that be redundant?

    • pepperpat

      Isn't that the whole point of trying to get people to vote for him for President – to give a boob a job?

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Earlier today he declared he actually "wants to help all Americans “. ?? So, food stamps and housing for all, instead of the 47%? What a moron.
    No Bain, no pain.

  • An_Outhouse

    I heard Mitt has a lot of money. He could give me some, and some to you too!

  • belmontreport

    How many high-fives do you think Obama gave out yesterday? I would guess SOOO many.

  • Generation[redacted]

    It’s gonna be a Reagan/Mondale style curb job.

    WHERE'S THE BEEF?!

    Heh heh. Timeless.

  • chicken_thief

    Mitt's no fool. He went short on his own election.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He's going to load up the campaign with debt, drain the pension fund, and walk away with a fortune in management fees.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    He could dress up as a KKK Grand Wizard for Halloween and just never take off the costume. Might help with his base.

  • chicken_thief

    Is there a diff?

  • littlebigdaddy

    I am so very sad that this story is from a satirical newspaper: http://dailycurrant.com/2012/09/18/hidden-camera-

  • tihond

    Someone needs a "Colbert Bump." Ehhh, Mitt?

  • Nostrildamus

    You are number six.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    See! This is what happens when you don't drink coffee or alcohol.

    • stew1

      Yeah, I'm brain dead without my morning caffeine.

    • thejazzmonger

      You might be onto something, there.

  • qwerty42

    6. Promise that on your first day in office, you will conscript the 47% to fight in the Great Moon War.
    Advantages:
    1. Huge defense budget
    2. Gets rid of the 47% (say they can no longer vote because they are on the moon, so aren't really citizens).
    3. USA! USA! USA!
    4. Profits!
    5. Have to strip funds from everything to fund the war.
    Disadvantages:
    1. It's the moon.
    2. Have to strip funds from everything to fund the war (hmmm this could go either way).

    • pepperpat

      I really feel like there should be some underpants-collecting in this mix.

  • BartStarrland

    There's a great New Yorker piece by Gladwell that talks about how Davids beat Goliaths – full court press all the time [metaphorically, and in the case of basketball, literally]. Once Mitt thought he could play offense, he quickly dribbled the ball off his foot out of bounds and hasn't sniffed the basket since.

  • An_Outhouse

    If the fucking Dems want to blame someone else for losing their election, they should become a permanent victim Republican.

  • kingcocrazy

    Pity the Mittster is a Mormon teetotaler. His only shot at this (pun intended ) is to kick off the first debate by shotgunning a Pabst tallboy, then chug a fifth of JD like Belushi in Animal House, and provoke a nasty, bare-knuckle brawl with the O-Man.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      A "leaked" video of him and Hank Jr partying would do it, six points in the polls overnight

  • sullivanst

    So let me get this straight. When Mitt pays no taxes, this is awesome and jobs appear out of thin air because the Moroni loves the world so. When those with the least pay no (Federal income) taxes*, this makes them dependent and prevents them from following their dreams** because… because…. because SHUT UP that's why.

    * Some of them pay state income tax – for example, the personal exemption in New York State is smaller than the Federal personal exemption; most of them pay Federal payroll and gas taxes; most of them pay sales tax.

    ** Because everybody knows, being left to fester in poverty without education or adequate nutrition truly enables dream-following.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    #6 Baptize Mohamed Mormon style.

  • lumpenprole

    6. Reveal that he is Iron Man and/or Batman. That would explain everything.

  • sullivanst

    I thought Mitt was the son running for President in order to redeem the father.

    Also too, W. That worked out great.

    • viennawoods13

      Yeah, but who says it ends here?

  • Generation[redacted]
  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    I think he should use the remainder of his time doing infomercials at his campaign stops… "I could talk about taxes, sure, but just look at how Presto cleans the dull film from your headlights…"

    That way he can make a little something extra while his name becomes a mark of derision for generations to come.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Mitt still has a lot more smear-money to spend. Its time to UNLEASH THE SOROS and pre-empt the propaganda barrage.

  • An_Outhouse

    Make a public proclamation rejecting all previous beliefs, join OWS, and try to beat Obama from the left.

  • sullivanst

    I thought the appropriate retort was Carville's "What didn't you like? The peace or the prosperity?"

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Well, we ended that nightmare.

  • GeorgiaMike

    9. On day before election, say "I may not win, but at least I never had to tell you people just how rich I really am. You can either vote for me or I'll buy your town and move you all to Malaysia."

  • http://sites.google.com/site/atlassucked/ maczieg

    Oh, Madame Editrix — you are in rare form today.

  • littlebigdaddy

    My only worry about this election now is that Mittens will drop out and they will get someone competent. But, given that it is the Republicans, the latter seems unlikely.

  • stew1

    Ann Romney getting her Jerry Beads.

  • thejazzmonger

    Remember the movie "Silver Streak" wherein Gene Wilder kept getting thrown off the train? The Romney campaign reminds me of that, except Romney throws himself off.

  • banana_bread

    He could go on "16 and Pregnant" or "Toddlers and Tiaras!"

    Wait, no. No. The mental image I just got is terrifying.

    • Generation[redacted]

      this week on Honey Boo Boo: The Boo Boo family gets a surprise visit when Mittens delivers their weekly welfare check in person.

  • Smithboy

    Retreat!! Sound the retreat!!!

    Go back to discussing where Obama was born with Hannity. Record a video with Hank Williams Jr. and banter about whether Obama is really a Muslim who hates Jews. Oh yeah….Don't forget how he apologized to terrorist for attacking our embassies.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could put on a creepy phonograph record and terrorize a young intern, revealing that he has been possessed by Killer BOB all along.

    • bobbert

      At least BOB had an ethos.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could release a music video of him singing "Unforgettable" with George Romney.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could give away a dancing horse to every 100th stooge making a donation on his campaign website.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could go McCain one better, and actually throw Ann out into the crowd at Sturgis.

    • LePiston

      The Full Throttle treatment, if you will.

  • le petit mort

    #8. Swift Boat self.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could release 10 years of unstapled copies of his tax returns from the top of the Bank Of America Tower, and laugh.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He could sell all he has, and give it to the poor.

    • HistoriCat

      Chet – pace yourself!

  • finallyhappy

    go Gangnam style! Horses are already part of it!

  • dccajun

    Sex Change Operation: makes him competitive in the LGT community and with women. Also he can blame everything previous on hormones.

  • Generation[redacted]

    At this point, I think Mittens could increase his popularity by firing an assault rifle in a crowded theater.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

    I will take the heat, if need be. But it's worth noting just how stupid, ignorant, racist and blindly ideological much of this nation's population really is.

    In short, this is no time to celebrate. This is the time to drive the stake deeper.

    • Sacanagem

      But it's so much more fun to watch Mittens push the stake in by himself…

  • DemonicRage

    He's already said that Obama threw Israel under the bus. Supposedly a whole armada of ships is massing near the Gulf of Hormooze. Maybe Bibi Netanyahu, whose campaign managers he hired, will launch something against Iran before November, and then Mittens can whine, "My opponent didn't do enough to support our principal ally in the Middle East." This will win him, at least, Florida.

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Never go full Wallace

  • ttommyunger

    I suggest he buy a Harley and put out some video riding it. That seemed to work for Scott Walker and John Kerry……No, wait!

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    Offer potential voters with a pre-paid gift card worth $50 at the local LDS Bishop Storehouse. That will get the vote in Mitt favor.