ga ga mooch mooch

White Newborns, Mitt Romney Will Speak For You

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Hello, babies. This is Mitt Romney’s newest ad. It speaks to the greatest fear of white newborns everywhere: their share of the American debt, coupled with the fear of unemployment in 18-22 years, give or take. (Although why this literal teat-sucker is opposed to becoming a figurative teat-sucker later on, I do not know.)

Oh, and Mitt? Unsolicited tip: the lady in the ad should have turned to the camera at the end and said, “And I was raped.” Immediate victory in all elections.

After yesterday determining that 47% of America are moochers, we have identified one who is not: this little girl, who possesses no filthy moocher qualities that make her unreachable via political ad. But we must then determine who the moochers are, if not little white babies who are helpless to do anything but not be mistaken for the Hot Cheetos & Takis kids.

Jim Geraghty at the National Review breaks it down for us in two parts.  First, he refers to a nice lady at a rally who says that Obama being president will mean she no longer has to worry about things.

For some reason, this is taken as her asking for government handouts, despite not asking for government handouts. Because this is a really, really stupid argument, Geraghty continues by pointing to people falling for multiple scams: one, a fake federal program for paying utility bills; another, a stimulus check giveaway; a third, a cellphone bill scam; and a fourth, another stimulus scam.

Sponsored Intermission

A normal human being might look at this and say, “Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help, and it’s really quite scummy to play on their hopes and fears in a blatant effort to rip them off.” This is why normal human beings do not write for the National Review.

There’s only one rule that we know of, babies: “Don’t stand in line with poor black people.”

Follow it.



Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Maman

    If you legally require a baby to be born do you owe her anything?

    • Jukesgrrl

      They just legally require them to be brought to term, then it's "Bye, Baby."

  • Terry

    Shouldn't that baby be paying taxes and not freeloading?

    • Maman

      pulling itself up by its bootstraps.

      • eggsacklywright

        Harrumph. Those would be bootie straps methinks.

    • chicken_thief

      Getting that application to janitor at a quality school in early?

    • hagajim

      I vote for an immediate Similac tax.

    • anniegetyerfun

      From Mom's tit to government teat. Will the entitlements NEVER end?

  • Steverino247

    This is the story about Minnie the Moocher…

    (Bonus, the ad you can skip was the trailer for Atlas Shrugged II)

    • tessiee

      That babby is so little, I'd really have to say it's more of a mini-moocher.

    • tessiee

      Also, Cab Calloway was AWESOME!!

      Note to self: Have as much energy and swagger at 80 as at 20.

    • tessiee

      Calloway's Law: For each Hi-de-Hi, there must be an equal and corresponding Hi-de-Ho.

      [most flagrantly broken in that Creedence song, "The Old Man Down the Road"]

    • Peckerwood_Pete

      I actually tried to watch Atlas Shrugged… I turned it off though after about 10 minutes… I got creeped out wondering if Paul Ryan masturbated to it…

    • Juan_Oriley

      RIP Donald "Duck" Dunn. :(

  • no_gravity

    Unfortunately for women under Romney there won't be any employment other than being all barefooty and preggers and in the kitchen where they belong.

    • eggsacklywright

      "Women under Romney"….EWWWW.

    • belmontreport

      Unless you're a single mom/low-income mom– then off to work for you. Why are you freeloading?

      • SorosBot

        It's very simple; rich women shouldn't work, but poor and middle-class women must. Just like only the poor and middle class should have to pay taxes.

        • no_gravity

          And to poor and middle class women should be working for the rich women in the kitchens, laundry rooms and, when the rich wife has a headache or is on a gin bender, the bedroom.

          • Chet Kincaid_

            Schwarzenegger-Shriver Libel!!

        • chicken_thief

          For THE DIGNITY, of course!

        • tessiee

          I once had an argument with a real dunderhead who said that women should stay home and take care of kids.
          Me: What about my cousin? She does day care out of her house.
          Him: Um…
          Me: You said "stay home and take care of kids". She stays home every day. She takes care of kids all day long, every day.
          Him: Um…
          I didn't really think I was gonna change his mind, I just wanted to make him squirm from trying not to admit that he thinks women should work for free.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      But that sure frees up a lot of positions for the important folks (i.e. men).

      • LibertyLover

        I thought there was only one position for the men folks!???

    • La_Cieca

      Women under the Romney administration will have the opportunity to follow the career path that best serves women, i.e. to marry the son of a millionaire and then bear him five sons in rapid succession.

      • SorosBot

        Of course it helps to be the daughter of a millionaire yourself.

        • tessiee

          yeah, they might use "Joe" the "Plumber" as a prop, but trust me, Tagg isn't gonna marry his daughter.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And the Romney-Ryan plan will help this little child by doing what — foisting even more debt off onto her children?

    • tihond

      Making it easier for those babies to get the 6% body fat they've always craved.

  • kittensdontlie

    'Once a teat sucker, always a teat sucker'…that's why bottle-fed is best(hardened conservatives will want to forego the nipple, and start solid food immediately).

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Here's an apple for you, baby. What, no teeth? You'll work something out. Bootstraps, baby!!"

    • La_Cieca

      Stop coddling that infant. If she wants to eat, let her go out and get a job like the 53% of us who PAY OUR TAXE$!

  • Oblios_Cap

    Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help,

    And yet many of them buy into "the race to the bottom" instead of the "let's make things better for everyone" school of thought.

    Common Clay of the Old West, indeed.

  • Chow Yun Flat

    Someone will have to explain to me the problem with government "handouts" which could also be described as income replacement, Keysian demand support or just acting decently toward those in need.

    • ChernobylSoup

      If the recipient is black, it's a handout. If he/she is white, it's an investment.

      • bobbert

        Elegantly put.

    • oenspiek

      Because, SOSHULIZUM, obvsly.

    • tessiee

      They're money that is not in the pockets of the 1% or corporations, DUH!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Credit is a sacred trust. It's what our free society is founded on. You think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? "
    "They don't pay bills in Russia. It's all free."
    "All free? Free my ass, what are you a fucking commie? Huh?"
    "No I ain't no commie."
    "Well you'd better not be I don't want any commies in my car. No Christians either."

    • Estproph

      Awesome quote! Love that movie!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Loving that movie is one of the requirements for admission here at Wonkette.

        • Steverino247

          "John Wayne is a fag."

          • Ruhe

            "Yes he is you boys."

          • CarnyTrash

            I installed 2-way mirrors in his house in Brentwood and he come to the door in a dress.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            That doesn't mean he was a homo, Miller. A lot of straight guys like to watch their buddies fuck. I know I do. Don't you?

        • Chet Kincaid_

          I'm busted! Don't know what the fuck you are talking about!

    • Juan_Oriley

      You know kid, uhh, usually when someone pulls shit like that my first reaction is uhh I want to punch his fucking lights out.

    • AddHomonym

      I don't even want to talk about it!

  • Estproph

    Last night I sat down with my son to talk about the deficit problem. I told him about how his share of the deficit would be so high when he becomes a taxpayer. He said "Da da dada DAda goo mama ba baba gah." He's 14 months old. It was a good discussion, and I think he understands the urgency now.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obviously, your son is not the eTrade baby.

    • OzoneTom

      Unfortunately, and despite your best efforts, history has shown that once he has been indoctrinated by the socialist public school system he will become a moocher.

    • kittensdontlie

      Your son is wise beyond his years, but what 14 month old doesn't understand the mechanics of trickle down theory?!

      • Estproph

        A 14 month old came up with the idea, after all.

    • actor212

      Hell, I said that when I first heard Mitt talk about it in a debate.

      Of course, I was drunk…

    • LibertyLover

      So of, course he will do his civic duty as a Democrat and impersonate someone at the voting polls, right?

  • actor212

    Bet that babby is turning tricks by age eight for milk money.

  • sbj1964

    Babies are like hemorrhoids,every time you sit down they bother you.

  • SorosBot

    That baby pays no income taxes!

    • OKthennext

      Another 46-percenter, in the tank for Obama.

    • ph7

      She's feeding off the governesses' teat!

  • weejee

    ♪ Baby, baby, sweet baby ♪

    If you swallow, and we do mean swallow, Willard's siren song, then guess which states are the biggest moochers?

    One might think Mittens tossed out the 47% moochers as a red herring, but it seems it was a red catfish.

    Mehbe Mittens' song should be ♪♫ Jumbo liar, catfish pie, me oh my oh, we gots us the free pickins on the bayou ♫♪

    • tessiee

      Upfisted specifically for awesome/terrible jambalaya/jumbo liar pun.

  • belmontreport

    Thank you for reminding me about the Hot Cheetos and Takis kids. I am now rewatching that video. I think that a person's reaction to this video says a lot about them.

  • johnnyzhivago

    The worst scam of all is this Mitt Romney for President thing.

  • actor212

    Because this is a really, really stupid argument, Geraghty continues by pointing to people falling for multiple scams

    Hey, um, Jim? Two words for ya:

    Bernie. Madoff.

    The prosecution rests, your honor.

    • freakishlywrong

      "Enron on line two".

      • LibertyLover

        "WorldCom on line 3"

        • Jus_Wonderin

          "ARM mortgages on line 4"

  • Eve8Apples

    Betcha that lazy white baby mamma claimed that smelly, little squealer as an exempt child dependent, took a child tax credit, took a Child and Dependent Care credit, and claimed head of household status to avoid paying her fair share of federal income taxes.

  • Baconzgood


    -Fat Bastard-

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Way to blend the threads.

  • HempDogbane

    Some of the investors in these ads are going to want to cash out soon, and will probably be selling Mitt off for parts.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Romney = Judge Smails

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Come on and take a free ride [free ride!]
    Come on and sit here by my side
    Come on and take a

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help, and it’s really quite scummy to play on their hopes and fears in a blatant effort to rip them off.”

    That's never stopped the GOP.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Thank goodness my baby is going to be half-brown! I would hate for her to have to deal with something like the white man's burden. How many food stamps can I get when she's born, like a million?

    • kittensdontlie

      Well, half a million since he will have half a burden.

    • Katydid

      If the kid is half-Kenyan, and all Muslim, he/she/it gets to be Preznit in 50 years! Get your birth announcement in your local paper stat.

    • LibertyLover

      As long as she isn't born in Hawaii, she can be President.

    • kissawookiee

      I hope she's half Latina; I hear that makes it much easier to win things.

  • SoBeach

    Wait a minute…

    Since that new baby is already in the 47% who don't pay taxes, why the hell does Mitt care about her?

    I'm having trouble keeping up.

    • Crank_Tango

      She sure as shit is never gonna vote for Mitt Rmoney, for so many reasons.

  • eggsacklywright

    Alan (son of Simp) Simpson does not approve of gummint teats.

  • nobodyssweetheart

    The mom in that shimmery, soft-focus, whitey-white fantasy campaign ad has black fingernails.

    • Chet Kincaid_


  • freakishlywrong

    You know what? Per fucking Willard, WE'RE the only ones paying taxes. The poors don't pay, Gawd knows the stinkin' rich or corporations don't pay. It's MY money and I don't want to have it grifted up to the already wealthy or wasted on war.Quit lecturing me and fuck off.

  • mavenmaven

    Its a Romney ad, meaning that woman made that baby by herself!

    • eggsacklywright

      She built that. With Lincoln (R) logs.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, her and a turkey baster.

    • Katydid

      I KNEW parthenogenesis is real! Score one for the GOP.

  • CivicHoliday

    so the moral of the story is…black bebbies < white bebbies??

    • iburl

      I see you've been boning up on your Mormon Mud People studies.

    • chicken_thief

      Ya. About 3/5ths or so….

  • cassamandra

    And Romney succeeds in ruining the one happy moment we still thought we had: the birth of our children. "Hey, baby, look at those cute little ears, sucks to be you."

  • MumbletyX

    This is why normal human beings do not write for the National Review.

    The last normal* person to my mind that every associated with NR was Florence King. She's probably only alive today because she finally figured out there was no one left there to even 'get' the humor in "Misanthrope's Corner" and she was better off without them.

    *and the life she describes leading wasn't normal by any stretch — but neither was it backwards, nor back-woods.

    • freakishlywrong

      I love Florence KIng..

      • tessiee

        I used to love Florence King, before she turned into such a fascist asshole.
        But I will say that, unlike PJ O'Rourke, at least Florence King *used* to be interesting, insightful, and witty.

  • ChillBill

    Which one is Mitt and which one is the white whining baby?

    • freakishlywrong

      Mitt has a coif on.

    • chicken_thief

      Mitt's the one with the head the size it takes a car elevator to lift it.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      babies don't smirk, even after sucking on the teat.

      • Katydid

        My babby smirked every time I told her her life would be better than mine.

  • freakishlywrong

    They think we're stupid. They know from whence the debt came. It's calling from inside the house.

  • sbj1964

    Kids you spend the first 3 years of they're lives teaching them to walk and talk,and the next 15 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

    • Chet Kincaid_

      My God, there were cobwebs all over that one.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hush, white rich baby, you GOPer slut.
    Mittens' gonna get your rich pa a big Tax Cut

    And if Daddy's big tax cuts won't pass,
    Mittens' gonna buy you a Hummer that guzzles gas

    And if that Hummer can't go far,
    Mittens' gonna start a big fucking war

    And if that war is a real bad call,
    He'll ensure that your rich ass won't serve at all

  • Oblios_Cap

    Is it true that white babies bring more $$$$ on the black market?

    • ph7

      That's debt reduction plan we call get behind – selling white babies to the highest bidders!

    • SoBeach

      Is it true that white babies bring more $$$$ on the black market?

      Why I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was in 1954 dollars.

    • eggsacklywright

      Silly. Can't sell white babbys in black market. Just isn't done.

  • Chow Yun Flat

    A dingo will eat that baby within a couple of years.

    • FlownOver

      Yes, but it will be a free market dingo.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Too bad for Mitt that the target audience for his new ad won't be able to vote until the 2032 election.

  • La_Cieca

    "Hush little baby, don't say a word.
    Uncle Mitt's busy polishing a turd."

  • actor212

    "And the wheels on Mitt's bus go crush, crush, crush,
    Crush, crush, crush,
    Crush, crush, crush…."

  • SpeedoFart

    I think my 8.5 month old fetus just said "fuck you, Mittens, you smarmy sack of shit".

    Pretty impressive for someone who is still drinking amniotic fluid.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Sister Sister, he's just a plaything,
    We wanna make him stay up all night

    (mopping floors!) All night long
    (with the poors!) All night long

    I know you wanna tax me, tax me….

    • MumbletyX

      Why don't we pretend
      There you go, fakebot-'man'
      Screw truths; why not
      Late at night, make 'em up?

    • LibertyLover

      That babay looks perfectly capable of cleaning the rooms in her daycare (under the supervision of a responsible janitor, of course.)

  • FlownOver

    Jobless Babbies Keep Going
    We Can't Take Care of Our Own

  • anniegetyerfun

    Oh, the unemployment rate for women is 17%, and Obama personally handed each and every one of them a pink slip? He really IS history's greatest monster.

  • chicken_thief

    If someone guarantees me that there is some breast feeding going in the vid I'll watch it. Otherwise, meh. More Rmoney pandering to the rich whites. It must be a day ending in "y"….

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Abortion is a pretty good solution to cutting down on the number of future "moochers"…. you'd think the "party of life" would be all about it! Ah, but then rednecks would have no reason to vote GOP if they were pro life, and considered gays human beings…

  • Doktor Zoom

    Also, I want to say that Jesse has just set a new benchmark for artful Vonnegut allusions. Seriously, that's some goddamn poetry there.

  • fawkedifiknow

    We have reached that magic moment in every sure-loser presidential campaign where the snark writes itself.

    • Tundra Grifter

      (r)Money has officially jumped the Snark.

  • ChernobylSoup

    Dear baby: Mitt would let the bank foreclose on that little birdhouse in your soul.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's 21 years after TMBG released Flood, and I REALLY can't afford 20 bucks including the shipping, but man, I truly want one of these: the Blue Canary In the Outlet By The Light Switch night light.

      • ChernobylSoup

        OMG, thank you. I just ordered one for the baby's room.

  • fuflans

    the obama campaign should do something with clinton's 'arithmetic' quotes. you know, 1%, 47%.

    we have math in this campaign.

  • Crank_Tango

    I am going to be fair and balanced and not watch either of those videos.

  • arduinohacker

    But wait, isn't there a 47% chance this baby will grow up to be a moocher? I'm confused.

  • Pragmatist2

    "we must then determine who the moochers are"
    Good News! The lamestream media has done that!
    Turns out they are the residents of Red States and Mitt Romney's base!!! I am shocked!!!

  • LibertyLover

    Well how about that… and if women do go get a job? Mittens is against the part where they get equal pay for equal work…

    I didn't see no bootstraps on that babay.

  • tessiee

    How about those two horrible children in the Totinos Pizza Rolls commercials?
    Are they moochers, or just incredibly annoying?

    • James Michael Curley

      Under the Romney Medicare, those two kids will be orderlies in the Home.

  • rocktonsam


    Yall notice the cover of the latest Equire. It has Clint Eastwood on the cover sitting on a chair and not talking to it.

    Yes, I know, I'm getting to old for Esquire too.

  • DahBoner

    OT: Convicted killer says he's too fat to be executed

    USA #1! USA #1! USA #1!

  • weejee

    9. Rmoney getting all campy-like and making S'Mores by covering his crackers with santorum.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of white newborns, Levi Johnston had another child, named after his favorite brand of firearms.

    For that little girl's sake, I'm glad it wasn't "Mossberg."

    • tessiee

      So he named his kid Penis?

  • tessiee

    I suppose the babby is going to learn how to talk just so it can claim, "We built that tit".

  • fuflans

    all cell phone bills are a scam.

  • a_pink_poodle

    It's kind of funny. Conservatives hate sharing the wealth but they're all for sharing the debt.

  • cousinitt

    Wimmins shouldn't be working while raising babbies anyways. Duh, Mitt.

  • tessiee

    Steal the babby! Steal the babby! Steal the candy!
    An oldie but a goodie:

    Painter: All right folks, let’s get started. So we’ll begin with a simple scenario that shouldn’t be hard for anybody. Let’s say you’re walking in the park and you see an unattended infant—

    Karl Rove: Steal the baby! Steal the baby!

    Harriet Miers: Karl! That’s awful!

    Rove: Do you know how much you can get for a healthy baby?

    Condoleezza Rice: Oh, you just want to sell it. I was worried there for a minute.

    Rove: Jeez, what kind of monster do you think I am?

    Cheney: Is the baby white?

    Painter: I haven’t even finished the scenario! And no, Karl, you do not steal the baby! That’s very, very unethical.

    Cheney: See? I’m learning already!

  • tessiee

    Part 2:

    Painter: So—you look in the baby’s buggy, and the baby has some candy.

    Rove: Steal the candy!

    Rumsfeld: I’m with Karl. Steal the candy.

    Cheney: Definitely.

    (sounds of agreement, long pause)

    Painter: Are you guys putting me on? You really think that’s the right answer?

    Alberto Gonzales: Well, what else? I mean you’re practically putting the candy in our hands here, man.

    Rove: Yeah! Do you realize how easy it is to get candy from a baby? It’s a friggin’ cliché for easiness, for Christ’s sake! It’s got to be ethical, right?

    Painter: Okay, no. Well, you’re wrong. It’s unethical to take the candy. It doesn’t matter how easy it is. There’s no correlation between ease and ethics. You can’t take the candy.

    (puzzled murmurs)

  • tessiee

    Part 3:

    Rumsfeld: Are you serious?

    Painter: Yes, I am. Now. Why isn’t it ethical to take the candy?


    Painter: Come on guys, somebody has to have a guess. Anybody?

    Cheney: Ummm…Because your cholesterol is too high?

    Painter: No. No. That’s not an ethical problem, that’s a personal health issue. Come on, guys.

    Rove: Oh! Oh! Because the police are watching you! Right? Or a reporter! A reporter’s watching!

    Painter: No, Karl. That’s not it. That wouldn’t be an ethical problem. That’s just self-preservation.

    Rove: Really? Shit, this is hard!

    Cheney: Shut up, Karl!

    Cheney: I can have you killed, you fat hick.

    Rumsfeld: Calm down, Dick.

    Miers: Guys, please!

    Rove: Oh, whatever. I could kill you with a fucking joy buzzer, big man.

  • tessiee

    Part 4:

    Miers: Well, I guess it would be wrong because—well, because it just is, you know? The lord says “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s just not right to take something that doesn’t belong to you.

    Cheney: Oh, please!

    Painter: That’s very good, Harriet. Did everybody hear Harriet? Stealing is ethically wrong.

    Rumsfeld: Seriously?

    Gonzales: (muttering) Brown nose.

    • LibertyLover

      Wish I could upfist you more….

  • zumpie

    I thought the Puggies only cared about other people's babies BEFORE they were born.

  • MistaEko

    Hi Rachel! I know you're watching us (and I you, my dear)!

  • ttommyunger

    Standing by for Mitt's next ad featuring him hugging a basket of kittens.

  • ElPinche

    Ok Rachel, where are you ? Come to pappasito. I'll take you fishing at Lake Livingston….200 lb blue cats , 12 lb hybrid bass and other stuff I found on freshwater fishing wiki.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Takis is a really good kind of food!

  • CunningDingus

    TRMS mentions in her show last night, calling it "profane and excellent." She's showing (R-Money)'s baby ad (for free!) and credits your "Hello babies" moniker.… (around 1:35)

  • Sassomatic

    That baby looks like it's worried Mama is about to drown him for his own good.