ga ga mooch mooch

White Newborns, Mitt Romney Will Speak For You

Hello, babies. This is Mitt Romney’s newest ad. It speaks to the greatest fear of white newborns everywhere: their share of the American debt, coupled with the fear of unemployment in 18-22 years, give or take. (Although why this literal teat-sucker is opposed to becoming a figurative teat-sucker later on, I do not know.)

Oh, and Mitt? Unsolicited tip: the lady in the ad should have turned to the camera at the end and said, “And I was raped.” Immediate victory in all elections.

After yesterday determining that 47% of America are moochers, we have identified one who is not: this little girl, who possesses no filthy moocher qualities that make her unreachable via political ad. But we must then determine who the moochers are, if not little white babies who are helpless to do anything but not be mistaken for the Hot Cheetos & Takis kids.

Jim Geraghty at the National Review breaks it down for us in two parts.  First, he refers to a nice lady at a rally who says that Obama being president will mean she no longer has to worry about things.

For some reason, this is taken as her asking for government handouts, despite not asking for government handouts. Because this is a really, really stupid argument, Geraghty continues by pointing to people falling for multiple scams: one, a fake federal program for paying utility bills; another, a stimulus check giveaway; a third, a cellphone bill scam; and a fourth, another stimulus scam.

A normal human being might look at this and say, “Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help, and it’s really quite scummy to play on their hopes and fears in a blatant effort to rip them off.” This is why normal human beings do not write for the National Review.

There’s only one rule that we know of, babies: “Don’t stand in line with poor black people.”

Follow it.

[Time]

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160 comments

    1. tessiee

      Calloway's Law: For each Hi-de-Hi, there must be an equal and corresponding Hi-de-Ho.

      [most flagrantly broken in that Creedence song, "The Old Man Down the Road"]

    2. Peckerwood_Pete

      I actually tried to watch Atlas Shrugged… I turned it off though after about 10 minutes… I got creeped out wondering if Paul Ryan masturbated to it…

  1. no_gravity

    Unfortunately for women under Romney there won't be any employment other than being all barefooty and preggers and in the kitchen where they belong.

      1. SorosBot

        It's very simple; rich women shouldn't work, but poor and middle-class women must. Just like only the poor and middle class should have to pay taxes.

        1. no_gravity

          And to poor and middle class women should be working for the rich women in the kitchens, laundry rooms and, when the rich wife has a headache or is on a gin bender, the bedroom.

        2. tessiee

          I once had an argument with a real dunderhead who said that women should stay home and take care of kids.
          Me: What about my cousin? She does day care out of her house.
          Him: Um…
          Me: You said "stay home and take care of kids". She stays home every day. She takes care of kids all day long, every day.
          Him: Um…
          I didn't really think I was gonna change his mind, I just wanted to make him squirm from trying not to admit that he thinks women should work for free.

    1. La_Cieca

      Women under the Romney administration will have the opportunity to follow the career path that best serves women, i.e. to marry the son of a millionaire and then bear him five sons in rapid succession.

  2. kittensdontlie

    'Once a teat sucker, always a teat sucker'…that's why bottle-fed is best(hardened conservatives will want to forego the nipple, and start solid food immediately).

  3. Oblios_Cap

    Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help,

    And yet many of them buy into "the race to the bottom" instead of the "let's make things better for everyone" school of thought.

    Common Clay of the Old West, indeed.

  4. Chow Yun Flat

    Someone will have to explain to me the problem with government "handouts" which could also be described as income replacement, Keysian demand support or just acting decently toward those in need.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    "Credit is a sacred trust. It's what our free society is founded on. You think they give a damn about their bills in Russia? "
    "They don't pay bills in Russia. It's all free."
    "All free? Free my ass, what are you a fucking commie? Huh?"
    "No I ain't no commie."
    "Well you'd better not be I don't want any commies in my car. No Christians either."

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            That doesn't mean he was a homo, Miller. A lot of straight guys like to watch their buddies fuck. I know I do. Don't you?

    1. Juan_Oriley

      You know kid, uhh, usually when someone pulls shit like that my first reaction is uhh I want to punch his fucking lights out.

  6. Estproph

    Last night I sat down with my son to talk about the deficit problem. I told him about how his share of the deficit would be so high when he becomes a taxpayer. He said "Da da dada DAda goo mama ba baba gah." He's 14 months old. It was a good discussion, and I think he understands the urgency now.

    1. OzoneTom

      Unfortunately, and despite your best efforts, history has shown that once he has been indoctrinated by the socialist public school system he will become a moocher.

    2. kittensdontlie

      Your son is wise beyond his years, but what 14 month old doesn't understand the mechanics of trickle down theory?!

    3. LibertyLover

      So of, course he will do his civic duty as a Democrat and impersonate someone at the voting polls, right?

  7. weejee

    ♪ Baby, baby, sweet baby ♪

    If you swallow, and we do mean swallow, Willard's siren song, then guess which states are the biggest moochers?

    One might think Mittens tossed out the 47% moochers as a red herring, but it seems it was a red catfish.

    Mehbe Mittens' song should be ♪♫ Jumbo liar, catfish pie, me oh my oh, we gots us the free pickins on the bayou ♫♪

  8. belmontreport

    Thank you for reminding me about the Hot Cheetos and Takis kids. I am now rewatching that video. I think that a person's reaction to this video says a lot about them.

  9. actor212

    Because this is a really, really stupid argument, Geraghty continues by pointing to people falling for multiple scams

    Hey, um, Jim? Two words for ya:

    Bernie. Madoff.

    The prosecution rests, your honor.

  10. Eve8Apples

    Betcha that lazy white baby mamma claimed that smelly, little squealer as an exempt child dependent, took a child tax credit, took a Child and Dependent Care credit, and claimed head of household status to avoid paying her fair share of federal income taxes.

  11. HempDogbane

    Some of the investors in these ads are going to want to cash out soon, and will probably be selling Mitt off for parts.

  12. Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Wow, there are a lot of hard-up people looking for help, and it’s really quite scummy to play on their hopes and fears in a blatant effort to rip them off.”

    That's never stopped the GOP.

  13. anniegetyerfun

    Thank goodness my baby is going to be half-brown! I would hate for her to have to deal with something like the white man's burden. How many food stamps can I get when she's born, like a million?

    1. Katydid

      If the kid is half-Kenyan, and all Muslim, he/she/it gets to be Preznit in 50 years! Get your birth announcement in your local paper stat.

  14. SoBeach

    Wait a minute…

    Since that new baby is already in the 47% who don't pay taxes, why the hell does Mitt care about her?

    I'm having trouble keeping up.

  15. freakishlywrong

    You know what? Per fucking Willard, WE'RE the only ones paying taxes. The poors don't pay, Gawd knows the stinkin' rich or corporations don't pay. It's MY money and I don't want to have it grifted up to the already wealthy or wasted on war.Quit lecturing me and fuck off.

  16. cassamandra

    And Romney succeeds in ruining the one happy moment we still thought we had: the birth of our children. "Hey, baby, look at those cute little ears, sucks to be you."

  17. MumbletyX

    This is why normal human beings do not write for the National Review.

    The last normal* person to my mind that every associated with NR was Florence King. She's probably only alive today because she finally figured out there was no one left there to even 'get' the humor in "Misanthrope's Corner" and she was better off without them.

    *and the life she describes leading wasn't normal by any stretch — but neither was it backwards, nor back-woods.

      1. tessiee

        I used to love Florence King, before she turned into such a fascist asshole.
        But I will say that, unlike PJ O'Rourke, at least Florence King *used* to be interesting, insightful, and witty.

  18. sbj1964

    Kids you spend the first 3 years of they're lives teaching them to walk and talk,and the next 15 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

  19. ManchuCandidate

    Hush, white rich baby, you GOPer slut.
    Mittens' gonna get your rich pa a big Tax Cut

    And if Daddy's big tax cuts won't pass,
    Mittens' gonna buy you a Hummer that guzzles gas

    And if that Hummer can't go far,
    Mittens' gonna start a big fucking war

    And if that war is a real bad call,
    He'll ensure that your rich ass won't serve at all

    1. SoBeach

      Is it true that white babies bring more $$$$ on the black market?

      Why I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market. And that was in 1954 dollars.

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    Too bad for Mitt that the target audience for his new ad won't be able to vote until the 2032 election.

  21. SpeedoFart

    I think my 8.5 month old fetus just said "fuck you, Mittens, you smarmy sack of shit".

    Pretty impressive for someone who is still drinking amniotic fluid.

  22. Doktor Zoom

    Sister Sister, he's just a plaything,
    We wanna make him stay up all night

    (mopping floors!) All night long
    (with the poors!) All night long

    I know you wanna tax me, tax me….

    1. LibertyLover

      That babay looks perfectly capable of cleaning the rooms in her daycare (under the supervision of a responsible janitor, of course.)

  23. anniegetyerfun

    Oh, the unemployment rate for women is 17%, and Obama personally handed each and every one of them a pink slip? He really IS history's greatest monster.

  24. chicken_thief

    If someone guarantees me that there is some breast feeding going in the vid I'll watch it. Otherwise, meh. More Rmoney pandering to the rich whites. It must be a day ending in "y"….

  25. Peckerwood_Pete

    Abortion is a pretty good solution to cutting down on the number of future "moochers"…. you'd think the "party of life" would be all about it! Ah, but then rednecks would have no reason to vote GOP if they were pro life, and considered gays human beings…

  26. Doktor Zoom

    Also, I want to say that Jesse has just set a new benchmark for artful Vonnegut allusions. Seriously, that's some goddamn poetry there.

  27. fawkedifiknow

    We have reached that magic moment in every sure-loser presidential campaign where the snark writes itself.

  28. LibertyLover

    Well how about that… and if women do go get a job? Mittens is against the part where they get equal pay for equal work…

    I didn't see no bootstraps on that babay.

  29. rocktonsam

    OT.

    Yall notice the cover of the latest Equire. It has Clint Eastwood on the cover sitting on a chair and not talking to it.

    Yes, I know, I'm getting to old for Esquire too.

  30. Tundra Grifter

    Speaking of white newborns, Levi Johnston had another child, named after his favorite brand of firearms.

    For that little girl's sake, I'm glad it wasn't "Mossberg."

  31. tessiee

    Steal the babby! Steal the babby! Steal the candy!
    An oldie but a goodie:

    Painter: All right folks, let’s get started. So we’ll begin with a simple scenario that shouldn’t be hard for anybody. Let’s say you’re walking in the park and you see an unattended infant—

    Karl Rove: Steal the baby! Steal the baby!

    Harriet Miers: Karl! That’s awful!

    Rove: Do you know how much you can get for a healthy baby?

    Condoleezza Rice: Oh, you just want to sell it. I was worried there for a minute.

    Rove: Jeez, what kind of monster do you think I am?

    Cheney: Is the baby white?

    Painter: I haven’t even finished the scenario! And no, Karl, you do not steal the baby! That’s very, very unethical.

    Cheney: See? I’m learning already!

  32. tessiee

    Part 2:

    Painter: So—you look in the baby’s buggy, and the baby has some candy.

    Rove: Steal the candy!

    Rumsfeld: I’m with Karl. Steal the candy.

    Cheney: Definitely.

    (sounds of agreement, long pause)

    Painter: Are you guys putting me on? You really think that’s the right answer?

    Alberto Gonzales: Well, what else? I mean you’re practically putting the candy in our hands here, man.

    Rove: Yeah! Do you realize how easy it is to get candy from a baby? It’s a friggin’ cliché for easiness, for Christ’s sake! It’s got to be ethical, right?

    Painter: Okay, no. Well, you’re wrong. It’s unethical to take the candy. It doesn’t matter how easy it is. There’s no correlation between ease and ethics. You can’t take the candy.

    (puzzled murmurs)

  33. tessiee

    Part 3:

    Rumsfeld: Are you serious?

    Painter: Yes, I am. Now. Why isn’t it ethical to take the candy?

    (silence)

    Painter: Come on guys, somebody has to have a guess. Anybody?

    Cheney: Ummm…Because your cholesterol is too high?

    Painter: No. No. That’s not an ethical problem, that’s a personal health issue. Come on, guys.

    Rove: Oh! Oh! Because the police are watching you! Right? Or a reporter! A reporter’s watching!

    Painter: No, Karl. That’s not it. That wouldn’t be an ethical problem. That’s just self-preservation.

    Rove: Really? Shit, this is hard!

    Cheney: Shut up, Karl!

    Cheney: I can have you killed, you fat hick.

    Rumsfeld: Calm down, Dick.

    Miers: Guys, please!

    Rove: Oh, whatever. I could kill you with a fucking joy buzzer, big man.

  34. tessiee

    Part 4:

    Miers: Well, I guess it would be wrong because—well, because it just is, you know? The lord says “Thou shalt not steal,”. It’s just not right to take something that doesn’t belong to you.

    Cheney: Oh, please!

    Painter: That’s very good, Harriet. Did everybody hear Harriet? Stealing is ethically wrong.

    Rumsfeld: Seriously?

    Gonzales: (muttering) Brown nose.

  35. ElPinche

    Ok Rachel, where are you ? Come to pappasito. I'll take you fishing at Lake Livingston….200 lb blue cats , 12 lb hybrid bass and other stuff I found on freshwater fishing wiki.

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