The Cartels, Mitt’s Mexican Mormon Family, And MURDER

  vice in the pursuit of liberty is no extremism

Yay cocaine!
So we were in New York, and we stopped by the Vice offices so that we could remember that we too are supposed to be a 170-man empire by now (after all, we have been at Your Wonket six months!), and they showed us this video to see if we wanted to share it with you (apparently Vice is tired of owning the 15 to 34-year-olds and would like some Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees to see their shit), and then they were like, “So describe this video to us in your words” or something, like a salesman thing? Like, they did not have to sell us on showing this video to you, because like it says in the headline it is about the Mexican cartels, and Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon family, and kidnappings and MURDER?

Warning: There are a couple of images that are seriously HOLY SHIT Mexican cartel beheading NONSENSE.

There will be a segment a day, all week, kid. First one’s free.

[Vice]

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131 comments

  1. Tequila Mockingbird

    Mitt should just change his name to embrace his Mexican heritage. I'm going to call him Juan Percent.

    1. dadanarchistmk2

      Well, I'm just going to hang up my snark hat for the day because there's no way I'm topping "Juan Percent."

  2. Oblios_Cap

    At least the Mexican's can blame the cocaine for getting them all ragey and popping peoples heads off. What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?

    1. sewollef

      "What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?"

      Having been to North Africa, I can tell you the coffee is very strong.

      So, could be.

  3. Katydid

    I have NO idea what this post is about, except that I am afraid to click that link, because, beheadings. I have enough trouble sleeping.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      It's worse than you think. There's a tubby guy talking about hipsters and cocaine.

      I couldn't watch it all.

  4. YouBetcha

    Based on my math, as a result of his grandfather's polygamy, Mitt should have 3,482 first cousins in Mexico. So therefore, he must be responsible for all drug violence, ever, anywhere.

    1. Rosie_Scenario

      Campaigning for Daddy Mittens is the post patriotic thing a son can do. Though I'd be pissed that he was wasting my inheritance money. Again.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      You beat me by a minute and eleven seconds. I got as far as the circley thing spinning around while it loaded, then thought better of it.

  5. ChernobylSoup

    Anybody tried tracking gun sales, see if maybe any guns sold in the US end up in the hands of Mexican drug cartels?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      No. Never. Not even one. Now let's talk about loosening the restrictions on fully automatic assault rifles. For sportsmen.

      1. dadanarchistmk2

        How are you supposed to wipe out an entire herd of "mule deer" (if you know what I mean) if you've got to reload after every shot?

    2. Joey_Blau

      hmm maybe the Justice ATF could do a sting.. allow strawman purchases here in the US and then track them into Mexico…

      what could go wrong?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, Mitt sounds like that "Hello, no one is available to take your call" guy on my home telephone answering machine.

  6. EatsBabyDingos

    If Mitt were president of Mexico, there would be no violence. Just his picture in every office with Snidely Whiplash facial hair.

  7. SayItWithWookies

    If this is real stuff I'll watch when I get home — anything longer than two minutes is not office-suitable. But if it's completely insane conspiracy nonsense then forget it — Mitt shouldn't be distracted from the massive hole he's digging all by himself.

  8. Estproph

    Not watching the video because work. However, I have a doctorate and I would be willing to come to Wonkette if the price is right, because THIS work.

  9. Tequila Mockingbird

    At least the Romneys have seemingly kept the bloodlines free of pesky brown genes. Congrats on dodging all that dark-meat action, people. That's willpower.

    1. Woodshedding

      Either that, or all those couplings were rape and therefore produced no offspring. Why didn't Akin just offer that as proof positive?

    2. GunToting[Redacted]

      I suspect that there are some dark-skinned Romney offspring with impeccable hair staging hostile takeovers of taquerias and mariachi bands.

  10. Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post

    One of the secretaries I've worked with for the last 5 or so years cried when she heard I was leaving saying "why don't you come up to **** department?"

    "That's not my industry experience"

    "But…" she said weeping, "it's not going to be any fun working around here anymore".

    Which is funny. I thought she hated me for changing her key strokes to arabic.

    1. caitifty

      Shit Baconz, I make snarky comments that are on topic and rarely get past 15 upfists. You blather out some nonsensical unrelated post about a crying secretary and you're past 30. Is it smearing yourself in bacon before posting that does it? What's the secret?

  11. hagajim

    Made it through entire thing…obviously its a multi-parter. Lots of dead folks and drugs, and guns, followed by a Mormon compound…I think I can see where they are leading us.

  12. Goonemeritus

    As dangerous as the drug cartels are, if we only have the time and money to solve one problem I vote for rounding up the Hipsters. Maybe the ATF could run a scam allowing a large shipment traceable fixed-gear bicycles to cross the border into Brooklyn.

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      How about a social-media-only advertisement for a gig performed by people who ride fixed-gears and don't have a label contract?

      Then nuke it.

  13. BerkeleyBear

    Okay, I had planned on giving a Zeta 2 man team a small part in a novel I'm working on. Looking at the .50 cal though makes me think a re-write (or at least a pen name) may be in order.

  14. pdiddycornchips

    Mexico makes me sad. How can such hard working people with such a rich history descend into such chaos?

        1. GunToting[Redacted]

          Yep, this is it. They have a decent climate for growing our product, and we have chosen to offshore our production facilities.

    1. An_Outhouse

      NAFTA allowed dumping subsidized agricultural products from the U.S. into Mexico which destroyed their rural economy.

  15. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    In response, Romney has release the following statement:

    In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the sister-wives.

  16. rocktonsam

    Nice picture,talk about Captain Buzzkill and the no fun bunch.

    I'll bet Thanksgiving with these party animals is so much zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  17. Tequila Mockingbird

    George Romney was born in 1907 in the Mexican state of Chihuahua.

    I’m suddenly craving Taco Bell and I don’t know why.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I am looking forward to Romney's concension speech, parts of which have already been released:

    Okay Obama; You wanna fuck with me? You fucking with the best! You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You little cockroaches… come on. You wanna play games? Okay, I play with you; come on. Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

    1. Fukui-sanYesOta

      His little friend is actually an animatronic Herve Villechaize. Romney giggles like a schoolgirl at it, but everyone else is just what the fuck?

  19. OneYieldRegular

    Hey, isn't that young Romney in the checkered shirt the same kid who was talking with Gretchen Carlson this morning?

  20. natoslug

    I can totally relate to this story. I found a vacuum-sealed bag of six buds on my walk Friday, and I walk with a limp. Sure, there were no corpses, but my knee hurt a little, and there were no guns, but I did have a walking stick.

  21. AznMom420

    Much like the vicious mormon drug cartels, Vice plans to lop off a piece of this story and mail it to us every day for a week unless we give them all the coke they can snort.

  22. Limeylizzie

    I would watch Part 2 only if this pompous, self-important, plump, fungus-faced, lightly-tattooed , aging-"hipster", wanker is not on-camera.

    1. AznMom420

      Considering he doesn't quite understand which end is the business end of the rifle I'm sure you're only a few ill advised giant pile-o-gunz scrooge-macduck-style dives away from getting your wish.

  23. Guppy

    Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees

    snortBWAHAHAHAHHHAAchortle…

    But seriously, would you like fries with that?

  24. neiltheblaze

    Sigh – another series I have to catch up with? And I'm still in the middle of "Deep Space Nine" for Pete's sake.

  25. ttommyunger

    Who has thirty extra pounds, a couple of girly tats, a death wish and way too much time on his hands? THAT GUY!

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