Yay cocaine!
So we were in New York, and we stopped by the Vice offices so that we could remember that we too are supposed to be a 170-man empire by now (after all, we have been at Your Wonket six months!), and they showed us this video to see if we wanted to share it with you (apparently Vice is tired of owning the 15 to 34-year-olds and would like some Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees to see their shit), and then they were like, “So describe this video to us in your words” or something, like a salesman thing? Like, they did not have to sell us on showing this video to you, because like it says in the headline it is about the Mexican cartels, and Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon family, and kidnappings and MURDER?

Warning: There are a couple of images that are seriously HOLY SHIT Mexican cartel beheading NONSENSE.

There will be a segment a day, all week, kid. First one’s free.


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  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Mitt should just change his name to embrace his Mexican heritage. I'm going to call him Juan Percent.

    • Willard may want to El Paso on that.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, with a name like that, Nogales gonna want to join his mormon harem.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Except maybe Tia. Tiajuana join his harem, most likely.

    • fartknocker

      You owe me a wireless keyboard after laughing so hard I spit iced tea. Win!

    • Hector El Presidente? Cuz he does that, hectors people, or holds them down and cuts their hair.

    • dadanarchistmk2

      Well, I'm just going to hang up my snark hat for the day because there's no way I'm topping "Juan Percent."

    • I_P

      Okay, this is just awesome. Well played, TM, well played indeed.

    • Antispandex


    • carlgt1

      all I can think of is "Frito Baindito"…..

    • Joey_Blau

      heh heh.. that's goood.. so is the video! thx.. and now .. off to Williamsburg!

  • Oblios_Cap

    At least the Mexican's can blame the cocaine for getting them all ragey and popping peoples heads off. What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?

    • Terry

      A lot of sun shining down on young men's heads.

    • sewollef

      "What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?"

      Having been to North Africa, I can tell you the coffee is very strong.

      So, could be.

      • dadanarchistmk2

        Lack of sexytime.

    • Sacanagem

      All that sweet tea, coupled with 130 degree heat?

    • Joey_Blau


  • SorosBot

    Mormon rage.

  • Katydid

    I have NO idea what this post is about, except that I am afraid to click that link, because, beheadings. I have enough trouble sleeping.

    • Terry

      Exactly. I like being employed, too.

    • yeah, no way i'm clicking on that.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      It's worse than you think. There's a tubby guy talking about hipsters and cocaine.

      I couldn't watch it all.

      • Oh, I loved him in that Samurai Dry Cleaner sketch.

        • emmelemm

          Now THAT made me laugh.

        • His chops calligraphy with the sword was impeccable, didn't press at all

    • kittensdontlie

      Look at it this way, aren't two heads better than just one?!

  • YouBetcha

    Based on my math, as a result of his grandfather's polygamy, Mitt should have 3,482 first cousins in Mexico. So therefore, he must be responsible for all drug violence, ever, anywhere.

  • ChernobylSoup

    He lost me at "we're ground zero for hipsters."

  • GhostBuggy

    Don't forget about us bored journalists just killing time!

  • My spidey senses tell me that the Romneys are not *actually* fighting this war.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      Campaigning for Daddy Mittens is the post patriotic thing a son can do. Though I'd be pissed that he was wasting my inheritance money. Again.

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    I managed a minute and ten seconds. Anyone do better?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You beat me by a minute and eleven seconds. I got as far as the circley thing spinning around while it loaded, then thought better of it.

      • caitifty

        I got all the way to 'hipsters' and gave up.

    • Joey_Blau

      I liked it.

  • chicken_thief



    • Jus_Wonderin

      Is that Mitt asking?

    • Lavenderp

      She has a bird/fish on one nipple- you sure you wanna go there?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I wonder, is that her favorite nipple?

        • YasserArraFeck

          Of course, it's the one that's just the right height

    • Warwhatgoodfor

      Pesos! I meant pesos!

  • ChernobylSoup

    Anybody tried tracking gun sales, see if maybe any guns sold in the US end up in the hands of Mexican drug cartels?

    • Generation[redacted]

      No. Never. Not even one. Now let's talk about loosening the restrictions on fully automatic assault rifles. For sportsmen.

      • chicken_thief

        I needz my drum magazine, also, too. Because Jesus. And the Constitution.

      • dadanarchistmk2

        How are you supposed to wipe out an entire herd of "mule deer" (if you know what I mean) if you've got to reload after every shot?

    • Joey_Blau

      hmm maybe the Justice ATF could do a sting.. allow strawman purchases here in the US and then track them into Mexico…

      what could go wrong?

  • bumfug

    If I want to see people without a head on their shoulders I'll go to C-SPAN and watch congress.

    • sewollef

      Bam…! COTD.

  • sbj1964

    Mitt's talking is like chloroform set to words.Suri has a more human like voice.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, Mitt sounds like that "Hello, no one is available to take your call" guy on my home telephone answering machine.

  • UnholyMoses

    But Todd Akin said the human body could prevent a legitimate beheading.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    If Mitt were president of Mexico, there would be no violence. Just his picture in every office with Snidely Whiplash facial hair.

  • PinkoPopulist

    I demand to see Mittens' birth certificate!

  • If this is real stuff I'll watch when I get home — anything longer than two minutes is not office-suitable. But if it's completely insane conspiracy nonsense then forget it — Mitt shouldn't be distracted from the massive hole he's digging all by himself.

  • coolhandnuke

    Cartels are people too, my friends.

  • Estproph

    Not watching the video because work. However, I have a doctorate and I would be willing to come to Wonkette if the price is right, because THIS work.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    This here's an 88 Magnum. It shoots through schools

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "At this range, it will blow your critical thinking skills clean off."

      • Fukui-sanYesOta

        "Did I make six posits or only five?"

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    At least the Romneys have seemingly kept the bloodlines free of pesky brown genes. Congrats on dodging all that dark-meat action, people. That's willpower.

    • Woodshedding

      Either that, or all those couplings were rape and therefore produced no offspring. Why didn't Akin just offer that as proof positive?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      I suspect that there are some dark-skinned Romney offspring with impeccable hair staging hostile takeovers of taquerias and mariachi bands.

    • viennawoods13

      Well, you don't think the half-breeds would be acknowledged as Rmoneys, do you?

  • Great tape Becca. Didn't TSA ask you about it flying back from the East Coast?

  • temps with doctorates are askeered

  • HempDogbane

    Nuh uh ! I only watch videos that I pay for. Someone's got to monetize the damn internet !

  • SnarkOff

    Meh, the first frame looks like the scene a typical bachelorette party.

  • i'm assuming those are romney boys? they look like douches.

  • SnarkOff

    Meh. That first frame looks like the scene at any suburban bachelorette party.

  • slithytoves

    Guns go in, coke comes out. Who'da figured?

  • Baconzgood

    Unrelated to this post

    One of the secretaries I've worked with for the last 5 or so years cried when she heard I was leaving saying "why don't you come up to **** department?"

    "That's not my industry experience"

    "But…" she said weeping, "it's not going to be any fun working around here anymore".

    Which is funny. I thought she hated me for changing her key strokes to arabic.

    • caitifty

      Shit Baconz, I make snarky comments that are on topic and rarely get past 15 upfists. You blather out some nonsensical unrelated post about a crying secretary and you're past 30. Is it smearing yourself in bacon before posting that does it? What's the secret?

  • hagajim

    Made it through entire thing…obviously its a multi-parter. Lots of dead folks and drugs, and guns, followed by a Mormon compound…I think I can see where they are leading us.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Whoever chopped that line they used on their cover—–> LAME!!!!!!!!!!

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      True, true. They suck at cocaine.

  • Well Happy Headless Monday to you too, Wonkette!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Rainy days and Mondays always make me…lose my head".

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I watched the first minute. Now I wanna go buy an eight ball.

  • If we build the damn fence, would that mean that the Republicans will no longer have anyone to run for president?

  • Goonemeritus

    As dangerous as the drug cartels are, if we only have the time and money to solve one problem I vote for rounding up the Hipsters. Maybe the ATF could run a scam allowing a large shipment traceable fixed-gear bicycles to cross the border into Brooklyn.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      How about a social-media-only advertisement for a gig performed by people who ride fixed-gears and don't have a label contract?

      Then nuke it.

  • fartknocker

    Cut to the chase Wonkette. Is this one of those conspiracy theories where we learn Bain Capital was laundering deneros for some drug cartel?

    OT: Santorum thinks the GOP is smart. What a fucking dufus.

    • "It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I'm smart and I want respect!"

      • HistoriCat

        "Yeah … you're smart Rickie"

  • BerkeleyBear

    Okay, I had planned on giving a Zeta 2 man team a small part in a novel I'm working on. Looking at the .50 cal though makes me think a re-write (or at least a pen name) may be in order.

  • pdiddycornchips

    Mexico makes me sad. How can such hard working people with such a rich history descend into such chaos?

    • walterhwhite

      Guns from the U.S.?

      • And drug laws from the U.S.. We make it all too fucking valuable to not chop a few heads off here and there. Fuck, no snark left.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          Yep, this is it. They have a decent climate for growing our product, and we have chosen to offshore our production facilities.

    • An_Outhouse

      NAFTA allowed dumping subsidized agricultural products from the U.S. into Mexico which destroyed their rural economy.

    • Joey_Blau

      relic of patron-client relationships left over from the Spainish Occupation.

  • randcoolcatdaddy

    Needs moar Kim Kardashian.

  • In response, Romney has release the following statement:

    In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the sister-wives.

  • rocktonsam

    Nice picture,talk about Captain Buzzkill and the no fun bunch.

    I'll bet Thanksgiving with these party animals is so much zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  • It's been done before, Trix, by legitimate news sources.

  • Does this involve Willard Romney and Paul Ryan in their underwear cooking meth in an RV?

    • no_gravity

      I think that's in part 2.

  • no_gravity

    The Mexican Drug War – Sponsored by the NRA and the LDS.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    George Romney was born in 1907 in the Mexican state of Chihuahua.

    I’m suddenly craving Taco Bell and I don’t know why.

    • no_gravity

      ¿Dónde está el perro?

    • Drop the chalupa.

  • Alt, alt text – The Rmoneys all have the clap

  • I am looking forward to Romney's concension speech, parts of which have already been released:

    Okay Obama; You wanna fuck with me? You fucking with the best! You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You little cockroaches… come on. You wanna play games? Okay, I play with you; come on. Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

    • Romney won't concede – he'll just pretend he won.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        That strategy worked for Sarah Palin.

    • Fukui-sanYesOta

      His little friend is actually an animatronic Herve Villechaize. Romney giggles like a schoolgirl at it, but everyone else is just what the fuck?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Hey, isn't that young Romney in the checkered shirt the same kid who was talking with Gretchen Carlson this morning?

  • amarikah

    Please tell me Charles Bowden makes an appearance somewhere.

  • Rosie_Scenario

    "Mitt is Murder."

  • DahBoner

    Another Ken Burns fundraiser about what the Romney Boys been up to?

  • Franknflower

    Quick, who can identify all the Mitt Boys?

    • BartStarrland

      Ragg, Tagg, Tinker, Taylor, Chico

    • chascates

      Rootbound, Kumfaucet, Sneezy, Milhouse, and Sue.

    • AznMom420

      Here we go:
      Do, Sido, Hattrick (3rd son), Boot, Scoot, and Boogie.

    • commiegirl99

      Everyone knows they are Dack, Tupper, Slag, Roid and Rohypnol.

  • LibrarianX

    He doesn't really mean it with the pro-life thing? I feel so used…

  • lulzmonger

    Death-squad payola?
    In Romney's Bain Capital?

    It's more ironic than you think.

  • I can totally relate to this story. I found a vacuum-sealed bag of six buds on my walk Friday, and I walk with a limp. Sure, there were no corpses, but my knee hurt a little, and there were no guns, but I did have a walking stick.

  • AznMom420

    Much like the vicious mormon drug cartels, Vice plans to lop off a piece of this story and mail it to us every day for a week unless we give them all the coke they can snort.

  • Limeylizzie

    I would watch Part 2 only if this pompous, self-important, plump, fungus-faced, lightly-tattooed , aging-"hipster", wanker is not on-camera.

    • AznMom420

      Considering he doesn't quite understand which end is the business end of the rifle I'm sure you're only a few ill advised giant pile-o-gunz scrooge-macduck-style dives away from getting your wish.

  • An_Outhouse

    I think Vibe has more than an historical fascination with blow.

  • PubOption

    I thought that the 'Vice' office was in Miami.


    Beheadings? Juan Percent Baintista.

  • RadioX

    ZOMG, just got to watching this and Romney APOLOGIZES FOR AMERICA in the opening scenes.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Where's the wingnut outrage???

  • Guppy

    Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees


    But seriously, would you like fries with that?

  • ttommyunger

    Sheeeeeeiiiiiiit! The only thing Mitt ever killed is his Presidential prospects.

  • neiltheblaze

    Sigh – another series I have to catch up with? And I'm still in the middle of "Deep Space Nine" for Pete's sake.

  • ttommyunger

    Who has thirty extra pounds, a couple of girly tats, a death wish and way too much time on his hands? THAT GUY!

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