The Cartels, Mitt’s Mexican Mormon Family, And MURDER

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Yay cocaine!
So we were in New York, and we stopped by the Vice offices so that we could remember that we too are supposed to be a 170-man empire by now (after all, we have been at Your Wonket six months!), and they showed us this video to see if we wanted to share it with you (apparently Vice is tired of owning the 15 to 34-year-olds and would like some Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees to see their shit), and then they were like, “So describe this video to us in your words” or something, like a salesman thing? Like, they did not have to sell us on showing this video to you, because like it says in the headline it is about the Mexican cartels, and Mitt Romney’s Mexican Mormon family, and kidnappings and MURDER?

Warning: There are a couple of images that are seriously HOLY SHIT Mexican cartel beheading NONSENSE.

There will be a segment a day, all week, kid. First one’s free.

[Vice]

 
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{ 131 comments }

Tequila Mockingbird September 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Mitt should just change his name to embrace his Mexican heritage. I'm going to call him Juan Percent.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Willard may want to El Paso on that.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Yeah, with a name like that, Nogales gonna want to join his mormon harem.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Except maybe Tia. Tiajuana join his harem, most likely.

fartknocker September 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

You owe me a wireless keyboard after laughing so hard I spit iced tea. Win!

Designer_Rants September 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Hector El Presidente? Cuz he does that, hectors people, or holds them down and cuts their hair.

dadanarchistmk2 September 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Well, I'm just going to hang up my snark hat for the day because there's no way I'm topping "Juan Percent."

I_P September 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Okay, this is just awesome. Well played, TM, well played indeed.

Antispandex September 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Mittchoacán?

carlgt1 September 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm

all I can think of is "Frito Baindito"…..

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:35 pm

heh heh.. that's goood.. so is the video! thx.. and now .. off to Williamsburg!

Oblios_Cap September 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

At least the Mexican's can blame the cocaine for getting them all ragey and popping peoples heads off. What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?

Terry September 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

A lot of sun shining down on young men's heads.

sewollef September 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

"What do the Arabs blame it on? Coffee?"

Having been to North Africa, I can tell you the coffee is very strong.

So, could be.

dadanarchistmk2 September 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Lack of sexytime.

Sacanagem September 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

All that sweet tea, coupled with 130 degree heat?

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm

oil!

SorosBot September 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Mormon rage.

Katydid September 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I have NO idea what this post is about, except that I am afraid to click that link, because, beheadings. I have enough trouble sleeping.

Terry September 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Exactly. I like being employed, too.

fuflans September 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

yeah, no way i'm clicking on that.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

It's worse than you think. There's a tubby guy talking about hipsters and cocaine.

I couldn't watch it all.

SayItWithWookies September 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Oh, I loved him in that Samurai Dry Cleaner sketch.

emmelemm September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Now THAT made me laugh.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

His chops calligraphy with the sword was impeccable, didn't press at all

kittensdontlie September 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Look at it this way, aren't two heads better than just one?!

YouBetcha September 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Based on my math, as a result of his grandfather's polygamy, Mitt should have 3,482 first cousins in Mexico. So therefore, he must be responsible for all drug violence, ever, anywhere.

ChernobylSoup September 17, 2012 at 1:16 pm

He lost me at "we're ground zero for hipsters."

GhostBuggy September 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Don't forget about us bored journalists just killing time!

ChillBill September 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

My spidey senses tell me that the Romneys are not *actually* fighting this war.

Rosie_Scenario September 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Campaigning for Daddy Mittens is the post patriotic thing a son can do. Though I'd be pissed that he was wasting my inheritance money. Again.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I managed a minute and ten seconds. Anyone do better?

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

You beat me by a minute and eleven seconds. I got as far as the circley thing spinning around while it loaded, then thought better of it.

caitifty September 17, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I got all the way to 'hipsters' and gave up.

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I liked it.

chicken_thief September 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

HEY ANN I'LL GIVE YA $250K TO SEE YER TITS!!!!!

jk/Hef

Jus_Wonderin September 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Is that Mitt asking?

Lavenderp September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

She has a bird/fish on one nipple- you sure you wanna go there?

Jus_Wonderin September 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I wonder, is that her favorite nipple?

YasserArraFeck September 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Of course, it's the one that's just the right height

Warwhatgoodfor September 17, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Pesos! I meant pesos!

ChernobylSoup September 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Anybody tried tracking gun sales, see if maybe any guns sold in the US end up in the hands of Mexican drug cartels?

Generation[redacted] September 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm

No. Never. Not even one. Now let's talk about loosening the restrictions on fully automatic assault rifles. For sportsmen.

chicken_thief September 17, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I needz my drum magazine, also, too. Because Jesus. And the Constitution.

dadanarchistmk2 September 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm

How are you supposed to wipe out an entire herd of "mule deer" (if you know what I mean) if you've got to reload after every shot?

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm

hmm maybe the Justice ATF could do a sting.. allow strawman purchases here in the US and then track them into Mexico…

what could go wrong?

bumfug September 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

If I want to see people without a head on their shoulders I'll go to C-SPAN and watch congress.

sewollef September 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Bam…! COTD.

sbj1964 September 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Mitt's talking is like chloroform set to words.Suri has a more human like voice.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Yeah, Mitt sounds like that "Hello, no one is available to take your call" guy on my home telephone answering machine.

UnholyMoses September 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

But Todd Akin said the human body could prevent a legitimate beheading.

EatsBabyDingos September 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

If Mitt were president of Mexico, there would be no violence. Just his picture in every office with Snidely Whiplash facial hair.

PinkoPopulist September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I demand to see Mittens' birth certificate!

SayItWithWookies September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

If this is real stuff I'll watch when I get home — anything longer than two minutes is not office-suitable. But if it's completely insane conspiracy nonsense then forget it — Mitt shouldn't be distracted from the massive hole he's digging all by himself.

coolhandnuke September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Cartels are people too, my friends.

Hammiepants September 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Beat me to it.

Estproph September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Not watching the video because work. However, I have a doctorate and I would be willing to come to Wonkette if the price is right, because THIS work.

zippy_w_pinhead September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

This here's an 88 Magnum. It shoots through schools

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

"At this range, it will blow your critical thinking skills clean off."

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"Did I make six posits or only five?"

Tequila Mockingbird September 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

At least the Romneys have seemingly kept the bloodlines free of pesky brown genes. Congrats on dodging all that dark-meat action, people. That's willpower.

Woodshedding September 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Either that, or all those couplings were rape and therefore produced no offspring. Why didn't Akin just offer that as proof positive?

GunToting[Redacted] September 17, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I suspect that there are some dark-skinned Romney offspring with impeccable hair staging hostile takeovers of taquerias and mariachi bands.

viennawoods13 September 17, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Well, you don't think the half-breeds would be acknowledged as Rmoneys, do you?

weejee September 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Great tape Becca. Didn't TSA ask you about it flying back from the East Coast?

fuflans September 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

temps with doctorates are askeered

HempDogbane September 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Nuh uh ! I only watch videos that I pay for. Someone's got to monetize the damn internet !

SnarkOff September 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Meh, the first frame looks like the scene a typical bachelorette party.

fuflans September 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

i'm assuming those are romney boys? they look like douches.

SnarkOff September 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Meh. That first frame looks like the scene at any suburban bachelorette party.

slithytoves September 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Guns go in, coke comes out. Who'da figured?

Baconzgood September 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Unrelated to this post

One of the secretaries I've worked with for the last 5 or so years cried when she heard I was leaving saying "why don't you come up to **** department?"

"That's not my industry experience"

"But…" she said weeping, "it's not going to be any fun working around here anymore".

Which is funny. I thought she hated me for changing her key strokes to arabic.

caitifty September 17, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Shit Baconz, I make snarky comments that are on topic and rarely get past 15 upfists. You blather out some nonsensical unrelated post about a crying secretary and you're past 30. Is it smearing yourself in bacon before posting that does it? What's the secret?

hagajim September 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Made it through entire thing…obviously its a multi-parter. Lots of dead folks and drugs, and guns, followed by a Mormon compound…I think I can see where they are leading us.

Blueb4sinrise September 17, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Whoever chopped that line they used on their cover—–> LAME!!!!!!!!!!

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

True, true. They suck at cocaine.

Hammiepants September 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Well Happy Headless Monday to you too, Wonkette!

Jus_Wonderin September 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"Rainy days and Mondays always make me…lose my head".

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Well, I watched the first minute. Now I wanna go buy an eight ball.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 17, 2012 at 1:31 pm

If we build the damn fence, would that mean that the Republicans will no longer have anyone to run for president?

Goonemeritus September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

As dangerous as the drug cartels are, if we only have the time and money to solve one problem I vote for rounding up the Hipsters. Maybe the ATF could run a scam allowing a large shipment traceable fixed-gear bicycles to cross the border into Brooklyn.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

How about a social-media-only advertisement for a gig performed by people who ride fixed-gears and don't have a label contract?

Then nuke it.

fartknocker September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Cut to the chase Wonkette. Is this one of those conspiracy theories where we learn Bain Capital was laundering deneros for some drug cartel?

OT: Santorum thinks the GOP is smart. What a fucking dufus.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/rick-san

Chet Kincaid_ September 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

"It ain't the way I wanted it! I can handle things! I'm smart! Not like everybody says… like dumb… I'm smart and I want respect!"

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"Yeah … you're smart Rickie"

BerkeleyBear September 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Okay, I had planned on giving a Zeta 2 man team a small part in a novel I'm working on. Looking at the .50 cal though makes me think a re-write (or at least a pen name) may be in order.

pdiddycornchips September 17, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Mexico makes me sad. How can such hard working people with such a rich history descend into such chaos?

walterhwhite September 17, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Guns from the U.S.?

natoslug September 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

And drug laws from the U.S.. We make it all too fucking valuable to not chop a few heads off here and there. Fuck, no snark left.

GunToting[Redacted] September 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Yep, this is it. They have a decent climate for growing our product, and we have chosen to offshore our production facilities.

An_Outhouse September 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm

NAFTA allowed dumping subsidized agricultural products from the U.S. into Mexico which destroyed their rural economy.

Joey_Blau September 18, 2012 at 2:41 pm

relic of patron-client relationships left over from the Spainish Occupation.

randcoolcatdaddy September 17, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Needs moar Kim Kardashian.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

In response, Romney has release the following statement:

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the sister-wives.

rocktonsam September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Nice picture,talk about Captain Buzzkill and the no fun bunch.

I'll bet Thanksgiving with these party animals is so much zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

It's been done before, Trix, by legitimate news sources.

Chet Kincaid_ September 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Does this involve Willard Romney and Paul Ryan in their underwear cooking meth in an RV?

no_gravity September 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I think that's in part 2.

no_gravity September 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

The Mexican Drug War – Sponsored by the NRA and the LDS.

Tequila Mockingbird September 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

George Romney was born in 1907 in the Mexican state of Chihuahua.

I’m suddenly craving Taco Bell and I don’t know why.

no_gravity September 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

¿Dónde está el perro?

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Drop the chalupa.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Alt, alt text – The Rmoneys all have the clap

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I am looking forward to Romney's concension speech, parts of which have already been released:

Okay Obama; You wanna fuck with me? You fucking with the best! You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You little cockroaches… come on. You wanna play games? Okay, I play with you; come on. Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!

johnnyzhivago September 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Romney won't concede – he'll just pretend he won.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

That strategy worked for Sarah Palin.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

His little friend is actually an animatronic Herve Villechaize. Romney giggles like a schoolgirl at it, but everyone else is just what the fuck?

OneYieldRegular September 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Hey, isn't that young Romney in the checkered shirt the same kid who was talking with Gretchen Carlson this morning?

amarikah September 17, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Please tell me Charles Bowden makes an appearance somewhere.

Rosie_Scenario September 17, 2012 at 2:03 pm

"Mitt is Murder."

DahBoner September 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Another Ken Burns fundraiser about what the Romney Boys been up to?

Franknflower September 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Quick, who can identify all the Mitt Boys?

BartStarrland September 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Ragg, Tagg, Tinker, Taylor, Chico

chascates September 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Rootbound, Kumfaucet, Sneezy, Milhouse, and Sue.

AznMom420 September 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Here we go:
Do, Sido, Hattrick (3rd son), Boot, Scoot, and Boogie.

commiegirl99 September 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Everyone knows they are Dack, Tupper, Slag, Roid and Rohypnol.

LibrarianX September 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

He doesn't really mean it with the pro-life thing? I feel so used…

lulzmonger September 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Death-squad payola?
In Romney's Bain Capital?

It's more ironic than you think.

natoslug September 17, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I can totally relate to this story. I found a vacuum-sealed bag of six buds on my walk Friday, and I walk with a limp. Sure, there were no corpses, but my knee hurt a little, and there were no guns, but I did have a walking stick.

AznMom420 September 17, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Much like the vicious mormon drug cartels, Vice plans to lop off a piece of this story and mail it to us every day for a week unless we give them all the coke they can snort.

Limeylizzie September 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I would watch Part 2 only if this pompous, self-important, plump, fungus-faced, lightly-tattooed , aging-"hipster", wanker is not on-camera.

AznMom420 September 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Considering he doesn't quite understand which end is the business end of the rifle I'm sure you're only a few ill advised giant pile-o-gunz scrooge-macduck-style dives away from getting your wish.

An_Outhouse September 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I think Vibe has more than an historical fascination with blow.

PubOption September 17, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I thought that the 'Vice' office was in Miami.

BTWBFDIMHO September 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Beheadings? Juan Percent Baintista.

RadioX September 17, 2012 at 4:49 pm

ZOMG, just got to watching this and Romney APOLOGIZES FOR AMERICA in the opening scenes.

Biel_ze_Bubba September 17, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Where's the wingnut outrage???

Guppy September 17, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Wonker temps-with-doctorates and State Dept. retirees

snortBWAHAHAHAHHHAAchortle…

But seriously, would you like fries with that?

ttommyunger September 17, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Sheeeeeeiiiiiiit! The only thing Mitt ever killed is his Presidential prospects.

neiltheblaze September 19, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Sigh – another series I have to catch up with? And I'm still in the middle of "Deep Space Nine" for Pete's sake.

ttommyunger September 20, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Who has thirty extra pounds, a couple of girly tats, a death wish and way too much time on his hands? THAT GUY!

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