AND THEY WILL KNOW US BY THE TRAIL OF VOTES  10:50 am September 17, 2012

Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them

by Jesse Taylor

best zombie voting joke in comments gets uptwinklesPerhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting.  We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case!

Like all states, Texas regularly purges its rolls of voters who’ve died. Normally, this is a low-key process where the state passes along to the counties a small list of dead voters as they become available. But this massive mailing two months before the election is new.

Rich Parsons, a spokesman for the Texas secretary of state, says the state is not targeting anyone but dead voters. [...]

Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

Totally fine, right? And what happens to the diligent allegedly living who try to contact the state of Texas to say, “Oh, hey, my heart has not stopped beating yet except for that one time I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math”?

In Houston, high school nurse Terry Collins got a letter informing her that after 34 years of voting she was off the Harris County rolls. Sorry.

“Friday of last week, I got a letter saying that my voting registration would be revoked because I’m deceased, I’m dead. I was like, ‘Oh, no I’m not!’ ” Collins says.

In order to stay on the rolls, the 52-year-old nurse had to call and inform the registrar of her status among the living. She tried, but it didn’t go so well.

“When I tried to call I was on hold for an hour, never got anyone,” she says. “I called three days in a row and was on hold for an hour or more.”

Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black.

“There’s one lady here. She’s 52. She’s African-American. Her dad is 80. They both got a letter saying they’re dead,” she says.

Look, lady. It’s well known that black people have shorter life expectancies than white people, and are therefore drastically more likely to be dead when voting. Why must you play the race card, shambling undead monstrosity? WHY?

How did this happen? Surely Texas is getting the names of dead voters from a reliable place that wouldn’t possibly mess up the very simple question of whether a person is still using oxygen to continue their slow trudge toward eventual decay?

Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

…Of course he did. Oh, well. If there’s any place large groups of black people should feel safe appearing en masse and claiming they’re now alive when they’re supposed to be dead, it’s Texas.

[NPR]

 

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{ 141 comments }

ChernobylSoup September 17, 2012 at 10:53 am

The new Butterstick is black and white. Can she vote?

Maman September 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

So is the President. That should give you the answer you need.

Serolf_Divad September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Yes, but the answer will vary depending on whether you're in Kansas or not.

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

So Butterstick II is muslin?

CthuNHu September 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

Yes, but it only counts for [quick math] four-fifths of a vote.

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Minus 5 points for not showing your work.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Ask M. Jackson.

Lucidamente1 September 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

It's not that she's not dead that's keeping her from voting; it's just that she has a bad case of the blahs.

ibwilliamsi September 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

Think of it as a "Mal de Blah".

chicken_thief September 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

They have a pickup truck in Jasper on call to drag all the "dead" blah's down to the polls.

Negropolis September 18, 2012 at 1:28 am

Too soon!

ChernobylSoup September 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

If voting eligibility is based on brain activity, and you're in Texas, how can you tell?

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

You can still open a beer can.

NellCote71 September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

You know you are Texan if you are too drunk to go fishing.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:10 am

I was out at Lake Amistad a few years ago when the water level was real low. Guy with a pole, tackle box, and six-pack walked by my campsite headed down to the shore. Couple hours later he walked back by with all his stuff and the empties. I asked him if he'd caught anything, and his response was "a buzz."

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

You know you are Texan if you are drunk enough to go fishing.

Fixed that for you.

CthuNHu September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

Kweschun wun: Kan you brain?

IF NO: Okay yu kan vot.

IF YES: Sori, vot for demonkrats is on Wenzdai, kum bak then.

SayItWithWookies September 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

On the bright side, they'll probably be Mormon in a year or so.

tracyhasfun September 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

We all will be. Can you say "Hello, Sister Tracy?"

EatsBabyDingos September 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

All she needed was a Certificate of Undeath from Dick Cheney, because he knows undeath.

MissTaken September 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

There are no zombies voting in Texas. They need brains and this is proof those are extinct there.

SorosBot September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

But does Texas let the sparkly Mormon abstinence vampires vote?

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 11:36 am

"Shoot 'em in the head, beat 'em, or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy."

Oblios_Cap September 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

Did they remember to take Zombie Jesus off the rolls?

soeoho September 17, 2012 at 10:59 am

Fuck-ups are bigger in Texas

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 10:59 am

They're just retroactively clearing the dead off their voter rolls, but pro-actively.

Toomush_Infer September 17, 2012 at 10:59 am

Do the Bushes still vote in Texas?….just askin'….

SorosBot September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

The whole zombie thing is kind of tired and played out anyway.

memzilla September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

Next headline from Texas in about 45 days:

Police Officers To Guard Polling Places, Prevent VWB.

Texan_Bulldog September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

Gee, I do live in a shitty state.

NellCote71 September 17, 2012 at 11:03 am

That's why we can't have nice things. And Gohmert, also. Too.

Texan_Bulldog September 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

What part do you live in? I'm in the Austin area.

NellCote71 September 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

I can't say. T'would give me away. But same initials as Culture Slay.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

Brazos Valley Floodplain Rocks!!

Texan_Bulldog September 17, 2012 at 11:55 am

I keep getting a harmless comment deleted by the administrator. WTH?

superdave September 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Yeah, I lived in Galveston for 3 years. Boy did that suck.

Wadisay September 17, 2012 at 11:00 am

Guns don't kill people, the Texas Sec State kills people.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

The Governor doesn't do a bad job of that either.

tracyhasfun September 18, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Snorted my cola up my nose. Thanks.

Maman September 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

Interesting. The State of Virginia sent someone out to check on my grandmother to make sure she was still alive and voting at 104. Of course, she was white. I am sure that black centenarians just get wiped off the rolls.

PsycWench September 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

I foresee no problem here. None at all.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

It will be as easy as students finding the right room to take a test.

Toomush_Infer September 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

"Um, no, it says here you're dead. You'll have to leave…"

PubOption September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Do they need to call in alive three days after they are officially dead?

MacRaith September 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

Not later than three days after they are declared dead. And they aren't informed of their death until after that, ahem, deadline (sorry, couldn't resist) has passed. So appeals are impossible. This is what is known in legal circles as "due process".

Oblios_Cap September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Those poor, dead Black people. Having to roam the Texas countryside until somebody like Woody Harrelson blows their brains out.

gullywompr September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Weird. It's not like those Texas electoral college votes were in danger of going any way but red…

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

They must be more worried about the House and Senate than we thought.

NellCote71 September 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Three words, or two words and a number for you hair splitters: Ballot Box 13.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

They say all politics is local.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:03 am

Well, as long as they can still have Twinkies…

Texan_Bulldog September 17, 2012 at 11:08 am

Deep fried ones at that. Have you ever been to the State Fair? They could deep fry tires and I know people who would eat it.

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

Our little town had a "Freedom Fest" this weekend, standard small town Texas crap, parade, food booths, Romney/Ryan yard signs for all. I couldn't resist, and the funnel cake I bought served as both a lite dinner (real good with beer) and a tasty breakfast next morning, with a couple fried eggs draped over it.

CthuNHu September 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

Nice knowing ya.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

I went to the Puyallup Fair for the first time this year and was pleased to see a booth selling deep fried butter. I hung out in front while my daughter and friend went to use the ladies room. In the 15 minutes I was loitering there, I was disappointed to see not one person ordered the deep fried butter. Just corn dogs and standard stuff.

Steverino247 September 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I went to that fair once when I was stationed at Ft. Lewis. Fattest sheriff's deputies I've ever seen.

PubOption September 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

But not in cosmetology classes.

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

If anyone needs a cosmetology class, it would be a zombie….

PsycWench September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

You know, you think you're alive and well in the year 2012 and then something like this comes along.

freakishlywrong September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Democracy. How does it work?

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:40 am

It works by suppressing the vote. Duh. Failing that, getting the Supreme Court to tell a state to stop counting the votes because it might cause irreparable harm to one of the candidates thereby essentially declaring a winner in the process works just as well.

WhatTheHeck September 17, 2012 at 11:59 am

Let’s say you’re a Wall St. bank. It works quite well for you.
You get people to democratically give up their tax$$ to bail you out when you screw up.
Isn’t that great?

Negropolis September 18, 2012 at 1:42 am

Ballots go in, ballots go out…sometimes. You can't explain it! But, Diebold sure as hell can.

elviouslyqueer September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

Psst, Rick. The Social Security Administration was the third agency you wanted to get rid of back in November 2011. Just FYI.

Serolf_Divad September 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

Actually, I'm pretty sure the third agency he wanted to get rid of was: Daylight Savings

…at least until someone took him aside and explained it to him.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how Daylight Saving Time makes the rich richer. Why do they allow it to exist?

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

Believe me, this isn't anywhere near the stupidest thing about Texas. Not even in the Top 100.

NellCote71 September 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

Alas, so correct.

mrpuma2u September 17, 2012 at 11:11 am

Another great "carpe diem" moment in Texas history which was most likely preceded by the immortal words "Hey bubba, hold my beer an' watch this!"

Abernathy September 17, 2012 at 11:05 am

Who died and made Perry fucking King of the Zombies?

Serolf_Divad September 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

Strom Thurmond

Estproph September 17, 2012 at 11:05 am

So "dead" is the new "darkie"…

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

I wonder why they are purging Democratic voters here in Texas. I guess they want Romney to win 70-30 instead of 60-40.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

It's mostly about keepin' them ni**ers and wetbacks off the city council and school board, actually.

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Didn't their re-districting plan get spanked too? I guess there are too many House seats which could go the wrong way.

Steverino247 September 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm

They want to claim Romney won the popular vote so they can somehow claim they were stabbed in the back by Jews or something vaguely German like that.

Katydid September 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I heard yesterday that some Repukes are giving up on Mittens, and are instead putting their money, er, I mean free speech, toward the down-ballot races.

Beowoof September 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

Unfortunately I bet a bunch of hispanics have passed on for voting purposes. For yard mowing, fruit picking etc they are alive and well.

MissTaken September 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

Silly zombie, voting is for whites!

eggsacklywright September 17, 2012 at 11:20 am

And Kix are for Trids.

SayItWithWookies September 17, 2012 at 11:07 am

After the votes are counted, I'm betting it's gonna be Errnnnnnnggggghhh in a landslide.

mrpuma2u September 17, 2012 at 11:08 am

WIth his running mate "BRAAAAIIIIINS!"

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

Y'know, generally I like his platform, but I'm not sure about the whole "lobotomies for all" plank.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I dunno, that's sort of a grey-matter area for me.

SorosBot September 17, 2012 at 11:08 am

What about voters who have died and come back to life, like that messiah most of them claim they worship?

Swampgas_Man September 17, 2012 at 6:34 pm

He's registered in Israel, not Texas.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

Are these the slow, shuffling zombies, or the fast running zombies? Cause that makes a lot of difference.

sbj1964 September 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

Zombies first you give them the right to vote next thing they will want is Zombie marriage.

barto September 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

I must say it was certainly thoughtful of them to send out letters informing people that they were dead. Most states don't even bother with such niceties. Well done, Texas! Your move, Mississippi.

HobbesEvilTwin September 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

yes, I've been trying to wrap my head around that one. Who, exactly, did the Texas secretary of state think was going to open the letter?

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

[Snark off] Two reasons: give not-dead people the chance to contact the state and tell them they're not dead and thereby eligible to vote, and secondly to let the survivors of the actual dead know they're not going to get away with filling in dead grampa's mail-in ballot.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

Its time for me to start working on my cardio!

Serolf_Divad September 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

True Fact: at any given time, Texas has the right to split up into five states with 10 votes in the U.S. Senate, but by law and treaty: only one of those states can declare homosexuality illegal, only one can ban Planned Parenthood, only one can prevent minorities from voting, only one can declare the Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum as its state bird, and only one can pass a law mandating that the fat content of Bar-b-Cue ribs cannot fall below 68% by weight.

And that's why Texas will never split up into five states.

weejee September 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

This latest Tejas story is just too campy. I think we are being Rick Perry rolled.

freakishlywrong September 17, 2012 at 11:13 am

Here in the dumbshine state, the ballot is going to be ten, (10), yes, ten (10) pages long. That shouldn't discourage the blahs or anyone else from attempting to vote, right? Retired white folks, however, can wait in line for hours, amiright?

Mumbletypeg September 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

"dumbshine"
:)
At least it's better than living in… New Dumbshire?

Goonemeritus September 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

Unlike Texas I have found corresponding by mail with the dead to be frustrating and generally not worth the effort.

kittensdontlie September 17, 2012 at 11:57 am

Let me help. All correspondence to the dead should be sent directly to your local USPS dead letter office.

MadBrahms September 17, 2012 at 11:16 am

The newly-risen dead will be summarily executed at random, which isn't really a big difference from how Texas Justice works on normal black folks.

CleverSobriquet September 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

Brains….. braaaiiiins….. braaaaaaiiiinnnnssss Oh, never mind,

Mittens Howell, III September 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

Rick Perry: "I see Democratic people."

Arkoday September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

Texas – Zombie Nirvana: all those fresh, low-mileage, hardly ever used brains! Yum!

seppdecker September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

Texas – where the living envy the dead.

arihaya September 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

Dead people voting is least concern for Texas compared to their Brain Dead Governor

chicken_thief September 17, 2012 at 11:24 am

I remember when Perry signed that law – they had a huge event at Niggerhead and invited all the media.

CthuNHu September 17, 2012 at 11:25 am

Aren't black people in Texas now legally considered dead two weeks before cessation of breath?

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:33 am

You're getting that confused with Arizona, where you are "alive" 2 weeks before you are conceived.

actor212 September 17, 2012 at 11:42 am

For "dead" substitute "incarcerated" and for "cessation of breath" substitute "entrance into middle school."

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:31 am

Why doesn't the state of Texas just send one of those mediums that talks to the dead to inform the dead that they are dead instead of sending them a letter?

BadKitty904 September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

"Oh, no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~ Lisa Simpson

sbj1964 September 17, 2012 at 11:45 am

Most republicans are just so old,and pale that they just look like Zombies.

seppdecker September 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

The brain dead, that is…

Jus_Wonderin September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

OT: I visited Overstock(dot)com and now my Wonkette page shows me ads from Overstock. How smart is that??? You go Wonkette page. You go.

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

But man, you go and visit the NAMBLA website once, I mean just once and…

Jus_Wonderin September 17, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Everything I learned about that organization I learned from Law & Order: SVU. grin

Lascauxcaveman September 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

It was South Park for me.

LibrarianX September 17, 2012 at 11:38 am

When you can't win on your merits, cheat like a motherfucker.

Peckerwood_Pete September 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

Too bad we can't ban brain*dead* people from voting…. but both parties would lose a huge chunk of their base if that were the case.

BoatOfVelociraptors September 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

I for one propose a zombie civil rights movement. It's time we had some candidates that wanted brains!

DahBoner September 17, 2012 at 11:43 am

Black people are still alive in Texas in 2012?

Don't they put out poisoned cheese or something?

TootsStansbury September 17, 2012 at 11:46 am

Do these undemocratic assholes think people are just going to say "oh well, my right to vote has been taken away. C'est la vie."

BaldarTFlagass September 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

Or maybe "C'est la mort," in this case…

LibertyLover September 17, 2012 at 11:51 am

Or maybe C'est de la merde.

1stNewtontheMoon September 17, 2012 at 11:53 am

If they would've told Rick that the list is not accurate and that it will result in the purge of mean fat old whites who suck up health care and public resources while (ironically enough) voting republican, then no way they would've done it. In sum, the feds need to start treating Texas like a three year old.

hagajim September 17, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math

Why do you insist on making fun of W so much?

pdiddycornchips September 17, 2012 at 12:27 pm

No snark but aren't these people losing their social security benefits too? I mean, if SS thinks they're dead….

sanantonerose September 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

80,000 people dead in Texas! Ricky Perry's been busy. Never mind Romney winning, we got crazy ass teabagger Ted Cruz up against Sadler for election to the Senate. I never thought I would miss Kay Bailey H and her hankies but I do I do. Also: Joaquin Castro FTW.

sanantonerose September 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm

And…county election officials are having their state accounts frozen until they comply. Oooooooo someone is mad Mad MAD about that Voter ID law being struck down! http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/S

fuflans September 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

i would like to say i am more interested in TX voter restriction shenanigans than i am by the accompanying article 'high school girl loses her hair in shop class accident'.

but that would not be true.

Generation[redacted] September 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

(shambles over to voting booth) BAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

Steverino247 September 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Well, the good news should be that Texas loses two congressional districts, but we'll have to wait until 2022 for that shit to happen.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm

In other news, the Koch brothers are pushing a new piece of legislation that will delete anyone from the voter rolls that has registered a Volvo in the state in the last two decades.

lulzmonger September 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

VO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-TES!

AznMom420 September 17, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I can't help but think for many black voters in Texas being declared too dead to vote come Nov 2 isn't a bureaucratic mishap, it's a promise.

RALitherland September 17, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Louisiana joke: "What's the difference between a coonass and a jackass? The Sabine River." It's kind of our Texas neighbors to keep it as fresh as ever.

HelmutNewton September 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm

"Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black."

I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Just like all the other identical purges of black voters in other GOP-controlled states.

ttommyunger September 18, 2012 at 12:08 am

No, they're not dead. This is Texas, everything smells like that.

Negropolis September 18, 2012 at 1:49 am

I, for one, welcome our newly undead overlords.

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Does it include the forbidden four-letter sequence?

Texan_Bulldog September 17, 2012 at 6:27 pm

No… 'i n t r i g u i n g' and 'w i t n e s s p r o t e c t i o n p r o g r a m'.

HistoriCat September 17, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Yes -that's it right there … the name of the child who must not be named !

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