and they will know us by the trail of votes

Texas Declares Living Voters Dead; Will Maybe Not Declare Them Zombies And Shoot Them

best zombie voting joke in comments gets uptwinklesPerhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting.  We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case!

Like all states, Texas regularly purges its rolls of voters who’ve died. Normally, this is a low-key process where the state passes along to the counties a small list of dead voters as they become available. But this massive mailing two months before the election is new.

Rich Parsons, a spokesman for the Texas secretary of state, says the state is not targeting anyone but dead voters. […]

Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

Totally fine, right? And what happens to the diligent allegedly living who try to contact the state of Texas to say, “Oh, hey, my heart has not stopped beating yet except for that one time I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math”?

In Houston, high school nurse Terry Collins got a letter informing her that after 34 years of voting she was off the Harris County rolls. Sorry.

“Friday of last week, I got a letter saying that my voting registration would be revoked because I’m deceased, I’m dead. I was like, ‘Oh, no I’m not!’ ” Collins says.

In order to stay on the rolls, the 52-year-old nurse had to call and inform the registrar of her status among the living. She tried, but it didn’t go so well.

“When I tried to call I was on hold for an hour, never got anyone,” she says. “I called three days in a row and was on hold for an hour or more.”

Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black.

“There’s one lady here. She’s 52. She’s African-American. Her dad is 80. They both got a letter saying they’re dead,” she says.

Look, lady. It’s well known that black people have shorter life expectancies than white people, and are therefore drastically more likely to be dead when voting. Why must you play the race card, shambling undead monstrosity? WHY?

How did this happen? Surely Texas is getting the names of dead voters from a reliable place that wouldn’t possibly mess up the very simple question of whether a person is still using oxygen to continue their slow trudge toward eventual decay?

Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

…Of course he did. Oh, well. If there’s any place large groups of black people should feel safe appearing en masse and claiming they’re now alive when they’re supposed to be dead, it’s Texas.


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  1. Lucidamente1

    It's not that she's not dead that's keeping her from voting; it's just that she has a bad case of the blahs.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I was out at Lake Amistad a few years ago when the water level was real low. Guy with a pole, tackle box, and six-pack walked by my campsite headed down to the shore. Couple hours later he walked back by with all his stuff and the empties. I asked him if he'd caught anything, and his response was "a buzz."

    1. CthuNHu

      Kweschun wun: Kan you brain?

      IF NO: Okay yu kan vot.

      IF YES: Sori, vot for demonkrats is on Wenzdai, kum bak then.

  2. Maman

    Interesting. The State of Virginia sent someone out to check on my grandmother to make sure she was still alive and voting at 104. Of course, she was white. I am sure that black centenarians just get wiped off the rolls.

  3. PsycWench

    Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

    I foresee no problem here. None at all.

    1. MacRaith

      Not later than three days after they are declared dead. And they aren't informed of their death until after that, ahem, deadline (sorry, couldn't resist) has passed. So appeals are impossible. This is what is known in legal circles as "due process".

  4. Oblios_Cap

    Those poor, dead Black people. Having to roam the Texas countryside until somebody like Woody Harrelson blows their brains out.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      Deep fried ones at that. Have you ever been to the State Fair? They could deep fry tires and I know people who would eat it.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Our little town had a "Freedom Fest" this weekend, standard small town Texas crap, parade, food booths, Romney/Ryan yard signs for all. I couldn't resist, and the funnel cake I bought served as both a lite dinner (real good with beer) and a tasty breakfast next morning, with a couple fried eggs draped over it.

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I went to the Puyallup Fair for the first time this year and was pleased to see a booth selling deep fried butter. I hung out in front while my daughter and friend went to use the ladies room. In the 15 minutes I was loitering there, I was disappointed to see not one person ordered the deep fried butter. Just corn dogs and standard stuff.

    1. LibertyLover

      It works by suppressing the vote. Duh. Failing that, getting the Supreme Court to tell a state to stop counting the votes because it might cause irreparable harm to one of the candidates thereby essentially declaring a winner in the process works just as well.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      Let’s say you’re a Wall St. bank. It works quite well for you.
      You get people to democratically give up their tax$$ to bail you out when you screw up.
      Isn’t that great?

  5. elviouslyqueer

    Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

    Psst, Rick. The Social Security Administration was the third agency you wanted to get rid of back in November 2011. Just FYI.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Actually, I'm pretty sure the third agency he wanted to get rid of was: Daylight Savings

      …at least until someone took him aside and explained it to him.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how Daylight Saving Time makes the rich richer. Why do they allow it to exist?

    1. mrpuma2u

      Another great "carpe diem" moment in Texas history which was most likely preceded by the immortal words "Hey bubba, hold my beer an' watch this!"

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder why they are purging Democratic voters here in Texas. I guess they want Romney to win 70-30 instead of 60-40.

      1. HistoriCat

        Didn't their re-districting plan get spanked too? I guess there are too many House seats which could go the wrong way.

    1. Steverino247

      They want to claim Romney won the popular vote so they can somehow claim they were stabbed in the back by Jews or something vaguely German like that.

    2. Katydid

      I heard yesterday that some Repukes are giving up on Mittens, and are instead putting their money, er, I mean free speech, toward the down-ballot races.

  7. Beowoof

    Unfortunately I bet a bunch of hispanics have passed on for voting purposes. For yard mowing, fruit picking etc they are alive and well.

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Are these the slow, shuffling zombies, or the fast running zombies? Cause that makes a lot of difference.

  9. barto

    I must say it was certainly thoughtful of them to send out letters informing people that they were dead. Most states don't even bother with such niceties. Well done, Texas! Your move, Mississippi.

    1. HobbesEvilTwin

      yes, I've been trying to wrap my head around that one. Who, exactly, did the Texas secretary of state think was going to open the letter?

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        [Snark off] Two reasons: give not-dead people the chance to contact the state and tell them they're not dead and thereby eligible to vote, and secondly to let the survivors of the actual dead know they're not going to get away with filling in dead grampa's mail-in ballot.

  10. Serolf_Divad

    True Fact: at any given time, Texas has the right to split up into five states with 10 votes in the U.S. Senate, but by law and treaty: only one of those states can declare homosexuality illegal, only one can ban Planned Parenthood, only one can prevent minorities from voting, only one can declare the Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum as its state bird, and only one can pass a law mandating that the fat content of Bar-b-Cue ribs cannot fall below 68% by weight.

    And that's why Texas will never split up into five states.

  11. freakishlywrong

    Here in the dumbshine state, the ballot is going to be ten, (10), yes, ten (10) pages long. That shouldn't discourage the blahs or anyone else from attempting to vote, right? Retired white folks, however, can wait in line for hours, amiright?

  12. Goonemeritus

    Unlike Texas I have found corresponding by mail with the dead to be frustrating and generally not worth the effort.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Let me help. All correspondence to the dead should be sent directly to your local USPS dead letter office.

  13. MadBrahms

    The newly-risen dead will be summarily executed at random, which isn't really a big difference from how Texas Justice works on normal black folks.

  14. chicken_thief

    I remember when Perry signed that law – they had a huge event at Niggerhead and invited all the media.

  15. LibertyLover

    Why doesn't the state of Texas just send one of those mediums that talks to the dead to inform the dead that they are dead instead of sending them a letter?

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    OT: I visited Overstock(dot)com and now my Wonkette page shows me ads from Overstock. How smart is that??? You go Wonkette page. You go.

  17. Peckerwood_Pete

    Too bad we can't ban brain*dead* people from voting…. but both parties would lose a huge chunk of their base if that were the case.

  18. BoatOfVelociraptors

    I for one propose a zombie civil rights movement. It's time we had some candidates that wanted brains!

  19. TootsStansbury

    Do these undemocratic assholes think people are just going to say "oh well, my right to vote has been taken away. C'est la vie."

  20. 1stNewtontheMoon

    If they would've told Rick that the list is not accurate and that it will result in the purge of mean fat old whites who suck up health care and public resources while (ironically enough) voting republican, then no way they would've done it. In sum, the feds need to start treating Texas like a three year old.

  21. hagajim

    I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math

    Why do you insist on making fun of W so much?

  22. pdiddycornchips

    No snark but aren't these people losing their social security benefits too? I mean, if SS thinks they're dead….

  23. sanantonerose

    80,000 people dead in Texas! Ricky Perry's been busy. Never mind Romney winning, we got crazy ass teabagger Ted Cruz up against Sadler for election to the Senate. I never thought I would miss Kay Bailey H and her hankies but I do I do. Also: Joaquin Castro FTW.

    1. fuflans

      i would like to say i am more interested in TX voter restriction shenanigans than i am by the accompanying article 'high school girl loses her hair in shop class accident'.

      but that would not be true.

  24. Steverino247

    Well, the good news should be that Texas loses two congressional districts, but we'll have to wait until 2022 for that shit to happen.

  25. AznMom420

    I can't help but think for many black voters in Texas being declared too dead to vote come Nov 2 isn't a bureaucratic mishap, it's a promise.

  26. RALitherland

    Louisiana joke: "What's the difference between a coonass and a jackass? The Sabine River." It's kind of our Texas neighbors to keep it as fresh as ever.

  27. HelmutNewton

    "Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black."

    I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Just like all the other identical purges of black voters in other GOP-controlled states.

Comments are closed.