best zombie voting joke in comments gets uptwinklesPerhaps the single greatest threat to the sanctity of the vote is dead people voting. ¬†We say “perhaps,” because there is an even greater threat: the dead coming back to life and showing up at the polls just because they never actually died to begin with. Thankfully, Texas is on the case!

Like all states, Texas regularly purges its rolls of voters who’ve died. Normally, this is a low-key process where the state passes along to the counties a small list of dead voters as they become available. But this massive mailing two months before the election is new.

Rich Parsons, a spokesman for the Texas secretary of state, says the state is not targeting anyone but dead voters. […]

Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

Totally fine, right? And what happens to the diligent allegedly living who try to contact the state of Texas to say, “Oh, hey, my heart has not stopped beating yet except for that one time I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math”?

In Houston, high school nurse Terry Collins got a letter informing her that after 34 years of voting she was off the Harris County rolls. Sorry.

“Friday of last week, I got a letter saying that my voting registration would be revoked because I’m deceased, I’m dead. I was like, ‘Oh, no I’m not!’ ” Collins says.

In order to stay on the rolls, the 52-year-old nurse had to call and inform the registrar of her status among the living. She tried, but it didn’t go so well.

“When I tried to call I was on hold for an hour, never got anyone,” she says. “I called three days in a row and was on hold for an hour or more.”

Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black.

“There’s one lady here. She’s 52. She’s African-American. Her dad is 80. They both got a letter saying they’re dead,” she says.

Look, lady. It’s well known that black people have shorter life expectancies than white people, and are therefore drastically more likely to be dead when voting. Why must you play the race card, shambling undead monstrosity? WHY?

How did this happen? Surely Texas is getting the names of dead voters from a reliable place that wouldn’t possibly mess up the very simple question of whether a person is still using oxygen to continue their slow trudge toward eventual decay?

Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

…Of course he did. Oh, well. If there’s any place large groups of black people should feel safe appearing en masse and claiming they’re now alive when they’re supposed to be dead, it’s Texas.


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  • ChernobylSoup

    The new Butterstick is black and white. Can she vote?

    • So is the President. That should give you the answer you need.

      • Serolf_Divad

        Yes, but the answer will vary depending on whether you're in Kansas or not.

      • HistoriCat

        So Butterstick II is muslin?

    • CthuNHu

      Yes, but it only counts for [quick math] four-fifths of a vote.

      • HistoriCat

        Minus 5 points for not showing your work.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      Ask M. Jackson.

  • Lucidamente1

    It's not that she's not dead that's keeping her from voting; it's just that she has a bad case of the blahs.

    • ibwilliamsi

      Think of it as a "Mal de Blah".

    • chicken_thief

      They have a pickup truck in Jasper on call to drag all the "dead" blah's down to the polls.

      • Negropolis

        Too soon!

  • ChernobylSoup

    If voting eligibility is based on brain activity, and you're in Texas, how can you tell?

    • You can still open a beer can.

    • NellCote71

      You know you are Texan if you are too drunk to go fishing.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I was out at Lake Amistad a few years ago when the water level was real low. Guy with a pole, tackle box, and six-pack walked by my campsite headed down to the shore. Couple hours later he walked back by with all his stuff and the empties. I asked him if he'd caught anything, and his response was "a buzz."

      • LibertyLover

        You know you are Texan if you are drunk enough to go fishing.

        Fixed that for you.

    • CthuNHu

      Kweschun wun: Kan you brain?

      IF NO: Okay yu kan vot.

      IF YES: Sori, vot for demonkrats is on Wenzdai, kum bak then.

  • On the bright side, they'll probably be Mormon in a year or so.

    • tracyhasfun

      We all will be. Can you say "Hello, Sister Tracy?"

  • EatsBabyDingos

    All she needed was a Certificate of Undeath from Dick Cheney, because he knows undeath.

  • MissTaken

    There are no zombies voting in Texas. They need brains and this is proof those are extinct there.

    • SorosBot

      But does Texas let the sparkly Mormon abstinence vampires vote?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Shoot 'em in the head, beat 'em, or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy."

  • Oblios_Cap

    Did they remember to take Zombie Jesus off the rolls?

  • soeoho

    Fuck-ups are bigger in Texas

  • They're just retroactively clearing the dead off their voter rolls, but pro-actively.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Do the Bushes still vote in Texas?….just askin'….

  • SorosBot

    The whole zombie thing is kind of tired and played out anyway.

  • memzilla

    Next headline from Texas in about 45 days:

    Police Officers To Guard Polling Places, Prevent VWB.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Gee, I do live in a shitty state.

    • NellCote71

      That's why we can't have nice things. And Gohmert, also. Too.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        What part do you live in? I'm in the Austin area.

        • NellCote71

          I can't say. T'would give me away. But same initials as Culture Slay.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Brazos Valley Floodplain Rocks!!

          • Texan_Bulldog

            I keep getting a harmless comment deleted by the administrator. WTH?

          • HistoriCat

            Does it include the forbidden four-letter sequence?

          • Texan_Bulldog

            No… 'i n t r i g u i n g' and 'w i t n e s s p r o t e c t i o n p r o g r a m'.

          • HistoriCat

            Yes -that's it right there … the name of the child who must not be named !

    • superdave

      Yeah, I lived in Galveston for 3 years. Boy did that suck.

  • Wadisay

    Guns don't kill people, the Texas Sec State kills people.

    • The Governor doesn't do a bad job of that either.

    • tracyhasfun

      Snorted my cola up my nose. Thanks.

  • Interesting. The State of Virginia sent someone out to check on my grandmother to make sure she was still alive and voting at 104. Of course, she was white. I am sure that black centenarians just get wiped off the rolls.

  • PsycWench

    Parsons says none of this is a problem; voters who’ve been wrongly purged from the rolls can simply show up and vote anyway.

    I foresee no problem here. None at all.

    • It will be as easy as students finding the right room to take a test.

    • Toomush_Infer

      "Um, no, it says here you're dead. You'll have to leave…"

  • PubOption

    Do they need to call in alive three days after they are officially dead?

    • MacRaith

      Not later than three days after they are declared dead. And they aren't informed of their death until after that, ahem, deadline (sorry, couldn't resist) has passed. So appeals are impossible. This is what is known in legal circles as "due process".

  • Oblios_Cap

    Those poor, dead Black people. Having to roam the Texas countryside until somebody like Woody Harrelson blows their brains out.

  • gullywompr

    Weird. It's not like those Texas electoral college votes were in danger of going any way but red…

    • HistoriCat

      They must be more worried about the House and Senate than we thought.

  • NellCote71

    Three words, or two words and a number for you hair splitters: Ballot Box 13.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      They say all politics is local.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, as long as they can still have Twinkies…

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Deep fried ones at that. Have you ever been to the State Fair? They could deep fry tires and I know people who would eat it.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Our little town had a "Freedom Fest" this weekend, standard small town Texas crap, parade, food booths, Romney/Ryan yard signs for all. I couldn't resist, and the funnel cake I bought served as both a lite dinner (real good with beer) and a tasty breakfast next morning, with a couple fried eggs draped over it.

        • CthuNHu

          Nice knowing ya.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I went to the Puyallup Fair for the first time this year and was pleased to see a booth selling deep fried butter. I hung out in front while my daughter and friend went to use the ladies room. In the 15 minutes I was loitering there, I was disappointed to see not one person ordered the deep fried butter. Just corn dogs and standard stuff.

          • Steverino247

            I went to that fair once when I was stationed at Ft. Lewis. Fattest sheriff's deputies I've ever seen.

    • PubOption

      But not in cosmetology classes.

      • LibertyLover

        If anyone needs a cosmetology class, it would be a zombie….

  • PsycWench

    You know, you think you're alive and well in the year 2012 and then something like this comes along.

  • freakishlywrong

    Democracy. How does it work?

    • LibertyLover

      It works by suppressing the vote. Duh. Failing that, getting the Supreme Court to tell a state to stop counting the votes because it might cause irreparable harm to one of the candidates thereby essentially declaring a winner in the process works just as well.

    • WhatTheHeck

      Let’s say you’re a Wall St. bank. It works quite well for you.
      You get people to democratically give up their tax$$ to bail you out when you screw up.
      Isn’t that great?

    • Negropolis

      Ballots go in, ballots go out…sometimes. You can't explain it! But, Diebold sure as hell can.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Texas got the names off the Social Security Administration’s death list. Social Security warned Texas that the list shouldn’t be relied on, but to no avail. The state Legislature and Texas Gov. Rick Perry passed legislation last session mandating the change.

    Psst, Rick. The Social Security Administration was the third agency you wanted to get rid of back in November 2011. Just FYI.

    • Serolf_Divad

      Actually, I'm pretty sure the third agency he wanted to get rid of was: Daylight Savings

      …at least until someone took him aside and explained it to him.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how Daylight Saving Time makes the rich richer. Why do they allow it to exist?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Believe me, this isn't anywhere near the stupidest thing about Texas. Not even in the Top 100.

    • NellCote71

      Alas, so correct.

    • mrpuma2u

      Another great "carpe diem" moment in Texas history which was most likely preceded by the immortal words "Hey bubba, hold my beer an' watch this!"

  • Abernathy

    Who died and made Perry fucking King of the Zombies?

    • Serolf_Divad

      Strom Thurmond

  • Estproph

    So "dead" is the new "darkie"…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder why they are purging Democratic voters here in Texas. I guess they want Romney to win 70-30 instead of 60-40.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It's mostly about keepin' them ni**ers and wetbacks off the city council and school board, actually.

      • HistoriCat

        Didn't their re-districting plan get spanked too? I guess there are too many House seats which could go the wrong way.

    • Steverino247

      They want to claim Romney won the popular vote so they can somehow claim they were stabbed in the back by Jews or something vaguely German like that.

    • Katydid

      I heard yesterday that some Repukes are giving up on Mittens, and are instead putting their money, er, I mean free speech, toward the down-ballot races.

  • Beowoof

    Unfortunately I bet a bunch of hispanics have passed on for voting purposes. For yard mowing, fruit picking etc they are alive and well.

  • MissTaken

    Silly zombie, voting is for whites!

    • eggsacklywright

      And Kix are for Trids.

  • After the votes are counted, I'm betting it's gonna be Errnnnnnnggggghhh in a landslide.

    • mrpuma2u

      WIth his running mate "BRAAAAIIIIINS!"

    • Y'know, generally I like his platform, but I'm not sure about the whole "lobotomies for all" plank.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I dunno, that's sort of a grey-matter area for me.

  • SorosBot

    What about voters who have died and come back to life, like that messiah most of them claim they worship?

    • Swampgas_Man

      He's registered in Israel, not Texas.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Are these the slow, shuffling zombies, or the fast running zombies? Cause that makes a lot of difference.

  • sbj1964

    Zombies first you give them the right to vote next thing they will want is Zombie marriage.

  • barto

    I must say it was certainly thoughtful of them to send out letters informing people that they were dead. Most states don't even bother with such niceties. Well done, Texas! Your move, Mississippi.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      yes, I've been trying to wrap my head around that one. Who, exactly, did the Texas secretary of state think was going to open the letter?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        [Snark off] Two reasons: give not-dead people the chance to contact the state and tell them they're not dead and thereby eligible to vote, and secondly to let the survivors of the actual dead know they're not going to get away with filling in dead grampa's mail-in ballot.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Its time for me to start working on my cardio!

  • Serolf_Divad

    True Fact: at any given time, Texas has the right to split up into five states with 10 votes in the U.S. Senate, but by law and treaty: only one of those states can declare homosexuality illegal, only one can ban Planned Parenthood, only one can prevent minorities from voting, only one can declare the Smith & Wesson .357 Magnum as its state bird, and only one can pass a law mandating that the fat content of Bar-b-Cue ribs cannot fall below 68% by weight.

    And that's why Texas will never split up into five states.

  • This latest Tejas story is just too campy. I think we are being Rick Perry rolled.

  • freakishlywrong

    Here in the dumbshine state, the ballot is going to be ten, (10), yes, ten (10) pages long. That shouldn't discourage the blahs or anyone else from attempting to vote, right? Retired white folks, however, can wait in line for hours, amiright?

    • "dumbshine"
      At least it's better than living in… New Dumbshire?

  • Goonemeritus

    Unlike Texas I have found corresponding by mail with the dead to be frustrating and generally not worth the effort.

    • kittensdontlie

      Let me help. All correspondence to the dead should be sent directly to your local USPS dead letter office.

  • MadBrahms

    The newly-risen dead will be summarily executed at random, which isn't really a big difference from how Texas Justice works on normal black folks.

  • CleverSobriquet

    Brains….. braaaiiiins….. braaaaaaiiiinnnnssss Oh, never mind,

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Rick Perry: "I see Democratic people."

  • Arkoday

    Texas – Zombie Nirvana: all those fresh, low-mileage, hardly ever used brains! Yum!

  • Texas – where the living envy the dead.

  • arihaya

    Dead people voting is least concern for Texas compared to their Brain Dead Governor

  • chicken_thief

    I remember when Perry signed that law – they had a huge event at Niggerhead and invited all the media.

  • CthuNHu

    Aren't black people in Texas now legally considered dead two weeks before cessation of breath?

    • LibertyLover

      You're getting that confused with Arizona, where you are "alive" 2 weeks before you are conceived.

    • For "dead" substitute "incarcerated" and for "cessation of breath" substitute "entrance into middle school."

  • LibertyLover

    Why doesn't the state of Texas just send one of those mediums that talks to the dead to inform the dead that they are dead instead of sending them a letter?

  • BadKitty904

    "Oh, no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican!" ~ Lisa Simpson

    • sbj1964

      Most republicans are just so old,and pale that they just look like Zombies.

    • The brain dead, that is…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    OT: I visited Overstock(dot)com and now my Wonkette page shows me ads from Overstock. How smart is that??? You go Wonkette page. You go.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      But man, you go and visit the NAMBLA website once, I mean just once and…

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Everything I learned about that organization I learned from Law & Order: SVU. grin

        • Lascauxcaveman

          It was South Park for me.

  • LibrarianX

    When you can't win on your merits, cheat like a motherfucker.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Too bad we can't ban brain*dead* people from voting…. but both parties would lose a huge chunk of their base if that were the case.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    I for one propose a zombie civil rights movement. It's time we had some candidates that wanted brains!

  • DahBoner

    Black people are still alive in Texas in 2012?

    Don't they put out poisoned cheese or something?

  • TootsStansbury

    Do these undemocratic assholes think people are just going to say "oh well, my right to vote has been taken away. C'est la vie."

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or maybe "C'est la mort," in this case…

      • LibertyLover

        Or maybe C'est de la merde.

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    If they would've told Rick that the list is not accurate and that it will result in the purge of mean fat old whites who suck up health care and public resources while (ironically enough) voting republican, then no way they would've done it. In sum, the feds need to start treating Texas like a three year old.

  • hagajim

    I did a MASSIVE eightball, but that was only for a few seconds and I mainly just lost the ability to do higher-level math

    Why do you insist on making fun of W so much?

  • pdiddycornchips

    No snark but aren't these people losing their social security benefits too? I mean, if SS thinks they're dead….

  • sanantonerose

    80,000 people dead in Texas! Ricky Perry's been busy. Never mind Romney winning, we got crazy ass teabagger Ted Cruz up against Sadler for election to the Senate. I never thought I would miss Kay Bailey H and her hankies but I do I do. Also: Joaquin Castro FTW.

  • sanantonerose

    And…county election officials are having their state accounts frozen until they comply. Oooooooo someone is mad Mad MAD about that Voter ID law being struck down!

    • i would like to say i am more interested in TX voter restriction shenanigans than i am by the accompanying article 'high school girl loses her hair in shop class accident'.

      but that would not be true.

  • Generation[redacted]

    (shambles over to voting booth) BAAAAAAAAAAAIN!

  • Steverino247

    Well, the good news should be that Texas loses two congressional districts, but we'll have to wait until 2022 for that shit to happen.

  • In other news, the Koch brothers are pushing a new piece of legislation that will delete anyone from the voter rolls that has registered a Volvo in the state in the last two decades.

  • lulzmonger


  • AznMom420

    I can't help but think for many black voters in Texas being declared too dead to vote come Nov 2 isn't a bureaucratic mishap, it's a promise.

  • RALitherland

    Louisiana joke: "What's the difference between a coonass and a jackass? The Sabine River." It's kind of our Texas neighbors to keep it as fresh as ever.

  • HelmutNewton

    "Collins, who is black, says she noticed that in Houston, quite a few of those who got the letters seemed to be older and black."

    I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Just like all the other identical purges of black voters in other GOP-controlled states.

  • ttommyunger

    No, they're not dead. This is Texas, everything smells like that.

  • Negropolis

    I, for one, welcome our newly undead overlords.

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