hail to the slash

At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction

This is pretty amazing amiright

Greetings, Wonketteers! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been given permission by Wonkette’s lovely editrix to promote a pet project here: Hail to the Slash, a crowdsourced repository of slash fiction about presidents and presidential candidates, having sex, with each other and other historical figures! Wonkette is made up of EXACTLY the sort of pervert politics nerds who would find this interesting, so I have high hopes that you will all read the site and follow it on Twitter and submit your own slashfic and tell your pervert friends about it. The stories on the site are submitted by readers like you, but to prove that I’m as game as anyone, I present to you an romantic story featuring Ron Paul and time travel, after the jump.

“Having behind us the producing masses of this nation and the world, supported by the commercial interests, the laboring interests, and the toilers everywhere, we will answer their demand for a gold standard by saying to them: ‘You shall not press down upon the brow of labor this crown of thorns; you shall not crucify mankind upon a cross of gold.'”

William Jennings Bryan would have told you that it was the roar of the crowd of Democratic delegates that echoed in his ears as he made his way back to his Chicago hotel in the wee hours of the morning, but in truth it was his own words. They were good, and he knew it. He had used parts of it in his speeches for years, polishing them in the Congress and back home in Nebraska, and he knew that the version he’d unleash in Chicago would be his most persuasive oration yet. That moment of silence in the hall after he finished had been terrifying — had it had been hubristic to extend his arms at the end, miming the crucifixion of our Lord? — but the roar that followed had been gratifying, and the delegates’ ecstatic, spontaneous decision to carry him about the convention floor on their shoulders more so.

It was, he thought to himself, almost enough to make a man fall in to the sin of Pride. But Bryan knew that it would not be for himself, but for the farmer and the worker that he would secure the Presidency. And yes, hew knew he would secure it. Before arriving in Chicago, he thought he might need to wait four or even eight more years before he would be allowed the nomination. After tonight, he knew that it was his for the taking, and, with the Republicans having nominated the pro-gold McKinley, he felt that the nation would follow the convention.

“Nicely delivered speech, Congressman” said a voice from the darkness. Bryan recognized the twang. Texas was a safe Democratic state, but it never hurt to do a little campaigning, so he stopped to speak to the gentleman who emerged into the light of the streetlamp. He was an older man, thin and reedy, with eyes that seemed to hold a certain sadness. Bryan started to smile, until the man continued. “Too mad you’ve got it all wrong on gold. If you had your way, the U.S. dollar’d be worth less than Confederate scrip.”

Bryan was taken aback, but the man disarmed him with a surprising smile and stuck out his hand. “Name’s Paul,” he said. Bryan reached out to take it and when skin met skin the sensation was electric.

Still, the younger man was cautious. “We’ve just met,” he said, “and using your Christian name seems a little … familiar.”

Again that smile. “Paul’s my family name.”

“Well, Mr. Paul, I see you’re another alarmist on bimetallism. A ratio of 16 ounces of silver to an ounce of gold…”

“…is an unconstitutional injection of government meddling in the money supply. The real ratio is set by the free market.”

A Darwinist, Bryan thought. He wants to make men into beasts, cast us into a monstrous competition in which only the fit survive. But he couldn’t help but notice how fit Mr. Paul’s body looked, beneath those oddly tailored clothes.

The two men kept talking — arguing, really, though there was no malice in it — as they made their way back toward Bryan’s hotel. The lobby was still buzzing with the raucous talk of convention delegates, but Bryan suggested that they find a seat there to continue their conversation. “Too much tobacco smoke down here,” Mr. Paul said. “Unhealthy. Maybe your room would be quieter?”

Bryan thought the complaint eccentric, but did not object.

The two ended up sitting side by side on the bed in Bryan’s room, as it was rather spartan, with no other real furniture. They talked for hours, and while Bryan felt that he had answers for most of Mr. Paul’s points, the man’s strange charisma and intensity rubbed away at his self-assurance, and his wariness. Honestly, later he couldn’t even really remember everything they sad to one another. There was one moment that he never forgot, though: Mr. Paul mentioned something about the “Austrian School” and Bryan retorted, good naturedly, “Oh, are we taking lessons on economy from Hapsburg princes now?” Mr. Paul threw up his hands and laughed, a lovely, genuine laugh, and when he set his right hand down it was atop Bryan’s left.

A quote from another man named Paul suddenly appeared, burning and unbidden and not for the first time, in Bryan’s mind. And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.

No, the sin of Pride had never been Bryan’s worst transgression. Shortly thereafter came another moment he never forgot: Mr. Paul, fumbling with Bryan’s undergarments, said “I always forget how many clothes you wore back in these days.” So strange, as if Mr. Paul weren’t a native of “these days” himself, but just a visitor from somewhere else. But in the moment he didn’t dwell on it. There were other, better things on which to dwell: mouths, and hands, and skin covered with delightful hair.

The next morning, Mr. Paul was gone, never to be seen again, as was to be expected. That’s how it always went with the men he met on the street and took back to his hotel rooms. But over the next months, as he campaigned across the country, he found he couldn’t get the man out of his mind. It was the sin that he fixated on — he had long learned how to keep that out of his consciousness when he needed to — but the words. Every time he gave a speech on Free Silver, he heard Mr. Paul say “fiat money” in the back of his mind. Every time he promised to help the working man, he heard Mr. Paul saying “What we need to do is remove the impediments to liberty that stop the working man from building a factory of his own.”

His speeches never were as convincing, as enthralling, as the one in that Chicago convention hall, because he was never as sure of himself again. In November, when Governor McKinley set off for Washington, bringing his promises of a firm gold standard with him, Bryan began to suspect that this had been Mr. Paul’s goal all along.

Pretty sexy, right? Check out Hail to the Slash and submit your own story today! That 100% amazing banner was drawn by David Willis.

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger
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      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Reagan had a thing for gimps. This is why Jane Wyman left him; but Nancy, always too over-medicated to notice, never caught on.

        It must be true, because I read it on the internet. (In fact, right here, in this comment.)

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    "fiction about presidents and presidential candidates, having sex,"

    JG Ballard beat you to it. By about 45 years.

    "Slow-motion film of Reagan's speeches produced a marked erotic effect in an audience of spastic children"

    1. HateMachine

      "Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Reagan’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Ronald Reagan."

      Oh good god, that's incredible.

  2. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Given the gold price drop before QE3 and subsequent rise, you're going to have to add Bernake in a three way.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Just because a guy buys his wife a leather nun costume doesn’t give anyone the right to start throwing the pervert word around.

  4. SexySmurf

    When I write slash I like to put Slash in it. Imagine like Chester A. Arthur has a problem with his sink so he calls Benjamin Harrison over to fix it, and while he's "snaking the drain" Slash, wearing nothing but a top hat, comes over to deliver a pizza.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Chester A. Arthur – probably born in Canada vs. Benjamin Harrison privileged son * of a former president with an election soon after a congressional inquiry awarded the office to the guy who got the least number of votes.

      I've seen this movie before.

      * Actually Grandson

  5. smitallica

    Finally, a good home for my series of erotic scenarios all set against the backdrop of the Second Continental Congress. The working title is "Tails of the Pounding Fathers."

  6. Crank_Tango

    I don't know what any of those things mean, so I stopped reading. This is not the first time I didn't know what "slash" meant–once I was in Bruges with a British friend and he said something about having a slash, and I went to get up, except he meant he was going to the bathroom. So I will just assume you are talking about going to the bathroom and just sit here for a while.

    1. DemmeFatale

      I had to look it up. Now I'm more confused than ever.
      Why are straight guys so obsessed with other guys?
      Or maybe they're not straight.
      Why is this a "thing?"
      Shit like this makes me feel OLD.
      I'm confused. Maybe I should wear an onion oh my belt.
      (It was the fashion of the time.)

      1. emmelemm

        Honestly (NOT THAT I KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT*), most "slash" fiction is written by women.

        *No, really, I don't know anything about it. Other than what it is. And that, according to legend, it started with Kirk and Spock.

          1. emmelemm

            Thanks for the link – I've read a *little* bit on that subject.

            Also, re "according to legend", I am both a Democrat and a female, and as such have been long trained to be wishy-washy and couch the things I state with disclaimers, even though I know them to be true, because inevitably someone will pop up and say, "You idiot don't you know it was back in 1952 when blah blah on page 67 of the thing…." Yeah.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            Well, then, by golly, as a demmycrat and a ladyperson, take Mayor Castro's advice and show more spine! You have nothing to lose but your superfluous disclaimers!

            Jenkins is a pretty good read, too. You know, for one of them PoMos…

        1. James Michael Curley

          Now I understand, 'slash fiction' is the stuff on the internet I've been ignoring for almost thirty years.

  7. sbj1964

    When the GOP is not deep into wild gay sex with each other in Airport restrooms they are busy fucking the American people.

  8. cromiller

    Looks like the Bilbo / Gandalf / Dwarves slash fic is going to have some competition this holiday season.

    1. James Michael Curley

      "Bored of the Rings" published by Harvard Lampoon is 43/44 years old. If anybody has an original copy it's become a collector's item.

      Unlike the Peter Jackson treatment it includes Tim Benzedrine and his hippy wife Hasberry.

      It starts with Dildo Bugger being sent on a journey by Goodgulf Greyteeth.

  9. fartknocker

    Is their a chapter on Jimmy Carter lusting over a 1970s Playboy playmate because if so, I've also been there and done that.

  10. MonkeyHamlet

    OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! Ok now do one with Michele Bachmann and Mary Todd Lincoln for the crazy lesbonics!! Or, EVEN BETTER, Marcus Bachmann and William Howard Taft for the bearrrrrs!!!

  11. LastGasp

    Carter’s bones creaked as he relentlessly sodomized the Gipper, the room silent save for the wet sound of leathery pelvises slapping together.

    Nope, this is not the kind of porn I want to be indulging in. Sorry.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    Palin & Perry – "He's just not that into you".

    Or, continuing on hte gay theme, Charlie Crist and Rick Perry – "You know what I'm here for?"

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Would Tea Party s/m fiction be 50 Shades of Earl Grey?

      Or maybe that would be anything involving Captain Picard…

      (EDIT: Sadface: I think I'm being mildly creative, and then I google "picard 50 shades of earl grey"…)

      1. emmelemm

        Spock and Kirk, OK, whatever, but I reealllly don't want to know about slash fiction defiling the perfection of Captain Picard.

  13. Misty Malarky

    Do they have a function where you can enter a couple of names and hit the SEX IT button?

    My first choice: William Henry Hairrison and Walter Mondale sexytime!

  14. BaldarTFlagass

    Well, after having read that and visualizing the two principals, I'm just glad that there were no detailed descriptions of the boot-knocking.

  15. CommieLibunatic

    Oh, Internet, you shouldn't have… no, really, you literally should not have undertaken these actions.

  16. Serolf_Divad

    That's sick, tasteless, totally lacking in class and absolutely undignified. Now, how is it I can submit my own stories?

  17. Doktor Zoom

    By the bi, (that's right, isn't it?), what Josh didn't mention is that this all got started around the weekend of the 2008 election, when a mess of political trollage and sniping broke out in his bloog. As part of the mess, a reader asked: “Does Taft/Roosevelt slashfic exist?” Josh replied,

    If it doesn’t now, I order you to expend your political energies on this thread creating some. “Ever since Taft had returned from the Phillipines, TR found himself going out of his way to spend more time with him talking about the situation there…” Go!

    Linkies to some of the results:
    http://joshreads.com/?p=1773#comment-610811 (which is a single sentence, and hence eligible for the Bulwer-Lytton Prize, too!)

    Since that was also the weekend of Berke Breathed's final Opus strip, the thread later spins into a long discussion of favorite (and not-so-favorite) Final Scenes.

    (It was all a dream, as he wakes up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette.)

    1. C_R_Eature

      I understand that one weekend's horrific Mead Orgy at Chaucer's favorite Tavern is where The Canterbury Tales originated.

      It's a literary tradition.

    2. UnholyMoses

      Taft continued, pointing out [to Teddy] the bathroom window to the Rose Garden, “Yonder lies the obelisk of your jubilee.”

      That is sssssooooooooooooooooo full of win. Just. Perfect.

      (I'm a professional writer and all, but not sure if I could pull it off [so to type]. Might have to try, though … )

  18. Grief_Lessons

    If only someone had put a ball gag on William Henry Harrison, think of the tragedy that could have been averted.

  19. BaldarTFlagass

    "At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction"

    A gap that was sorely in need of filling, obviously.

    1. emmelemm

      Isn't the corollary to Rule 34 that, not only is there porn for everything, at least *someone* is turned on by any given thing?

  20. HarryButtle

    If I can time travel, I'm taking Michelle O to meet Jackie Kennedy for a faptastic threesome while Jack does important Presidential stuff. And if Marilyn Monroe stops by, well…the more the merrier!

    Wait, I didn't have to inlcude any actual Presidents, did I?

  21. C_R_Eature

    And here I thought that Trekker illustrated Fanfic Porn was bad. There's always something worse on the Internet. Never forget that.

    I didn't read all this. There weren't any Furries, were there? Please say there weren't.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Pfft. If you haven't read My Immortal, you haven't even begun to plumb the depths of Bad Fanfic. (link is to an article about the fanfic.

      Those willing to risk it can find the actual fanfic here. You were warned.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Oh. Oh no. I just can't do that to my stomach right now. Not after what I've just seen.
        Leonard Pinth-Garnell would thrown that right in the trash, unopened.

        I'll save the actual Tome for when I can get well and truly plastered. Thanks.

        EDIT: The first sentence is appalling. I just couldn't help myself. You bastard!

  22. Monsieur_Grumpe

    I suppose I could regurgitate some of my awful Newt and Callista stories or is Callista a female…. I forget.

  23. C_R_Eature

    I am absolutely not reading this one:

    Heart and Soul (Cheney/Bush/Cloned Cheney/Crown Prince Abdullah; WARNING: EXTREME HORROR)

    It's very upsetting to me that a thing like this even exists. It's just too much. Too too much.

    Well, maybe just a little…

          1. C_R_Eature

            It's only little Alex with his peepers all grozy locked open like, viddying well the horrorshow tolchocking & getting all sickywick like. He was cured, all right.

            I am absolutely not googling "Cheney bukakke". Not now not never.

  24. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    You know, just because one CAN put something on the internet, DOES NOT MEAN THAT ONE SHOULD!

    ps – Fakakta's caps locky-ness is rubbing off on me.

  25. Respitetini

    All in all, not a bad Bryan/Paul AU timetraveler drabble. Surprised you went for the fade-to-black, but site guidelines?

  26. IceCreamEmpress

    Done and done. Also submitted documentation that mine was written in 2004. YES I WAS ON BOARD THE SLASH TRAIN WAY EARLY, Y'ALL.

  27. Antispandex

    I heard rumors about Jeannette Pickering Rankin and Woodrow Wilson in the Cloakroom , when Woodrow could still get wood.

  28. ttommyunger

    Note to author: in future you should know that it does not take this many words to leave me clueless, confused and befuddled. just trying to lighten your load.

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