THE COMING ROMNIRVANA  11:27 am September 14, 2012

The Solution To Our Troubled World’s Ills: Mitt Romney

by Jesse Taylor

romney's presidency, minus the stupid blue shitAfter spending Tuesday and Wednesday feverishly blaming Obama for opening the doors of our embassies to al Qaeda and offering them lemonade and cookies with their jihad, Mitt Romney is now advancing his prescription for the world’s ills, which is a healthy dose of Vitamin Mitt.

“There’s a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation,” Romney adviser Richard Williamson told the Washington Post. “For the first time since Jimmy Carter, we’ve had an American ambassador assassinated.”

And what is that compelling case, Mr. Williamson?

He blamed the attack that killed Stevens on Obama’s handling of the region, arguing that the Muslim world would have held the hypothetical Romney administration of 2008-2012 in much greater esteem, which would have prevented violent protests over an anti-Muslim film like the one that led to Stevens’s death.

We think this is the clearest possible indication that the best  possible solution to our world’s problems is to elect Mitt Romney President of the World Forever. Peace through Romney. Strength through Romney. World class fucking through wearing Romney masks. It is all possible if we simply make the right choice this November.

Will you deny that opportunity to your children?

[Talking Points Memo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 278 comments }

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

P is for Psycho

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Personally, I go with my Messican friends – P is for pendejo, L is for loco in la cabeza.

natoslug September 14, 2012 at 1:51 pm

And that is good enough for me! Oh! Psycho-psycho-psycho starts with P! Take it away, Cookie Monster!!!

Pres.Beeblebrox September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

Now fucking Rmoney is the time traveler instead of Obama.

Where does he hide his TARDIS?

Redgyal September 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

In his hair…duh.

Thurman Munster IV September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Rmoney puts the tard in Tardis. Oh noes, I'm gonna get banned

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

My kid used to stash his tardy's in his backpack

HempDogbane September 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

Ann = Leela?

Pres.Beeblebrox September 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

No way. Leela was a warrior huntress who could inflict major injury.Ann's more like Peri except without the big tits.

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

Not trying to get banhammered, but in Mitt's case, that's ReTARDIS…..and, of course, it's in his magic underpants…

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Because he can time travel TWICE, to change it back and forth, forever.

bonghitforjesus September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

I really cannot handle thinking about R-Money and DW in the same synapse- makes brain hurt.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Because one's a make believe character living in an alternate universe where he will rule his own planet, and the other is a charming TV show?

bonghitforjesus September 14, 2012 at 10:50 pm

precisely!

lumpenprole September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I'd kinda enjoy watching an episode where the Dr. had to stop Mormon time travel mischief – giving Jesus a South American tour and snatching early hominids in order to drop them off in Missouri.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

The Cayman Islands, of course!

Wait…is this a trick question?

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 1:26 pm

In plain view is of course the normal practice.

EatsBabyDingos September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

Mitt wants to be the new Chuck Norris, but he really seems more Chuck Jones. Daffy mostly.

FlownOver September 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

That would be funny if it weren't for the Romney-Ryan defense budget line item for Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulators.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

And to redesign the White House to be a series of floating, transparent platforms in open space.

PsycWench September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I was thinking the new Chuck Taylors. Wear them and next thing you know, you're flat-footed.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Just like the old Chucks, then. I recall when they first brought back the "retro" edition lowtops, supposedly as actual basketball shoes, in the 80s (a few years after the skaters started wearing custom colored versions and popularizing them again). I looked at them and said who the fuck would willingly torture their feet like that if they could wear Jordans or anything with some arch support.

How little I understood about fashion.

mrpuma2u September 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

More like Elmer Fudd.

HogeyeGrex September 14, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I am Ewmer J Fudd, miwwionaiwe. I own a mansion and a yacht.

HogeyeGrex September 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

A month and a half left 'til Th-th-th-th-thaaaaat's all, folks.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm

He's more Chuck, Up.

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

When I see Mittens do his little song and dance, I have to wonder who dug up Michigan J. Frog after all these years.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

Take two Mitts and call me after the Rapture.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

This world can only get better after the rapture, leaving only Wonketeers and cockroaches to rule the world!

emmelemm September 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Sounds like a mother-fucking party.

Kid_Charlemagne September 14, 2012 at 11:31 am

Sounds like some Saudi Prince needs his hand held by Mittens.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Mouth-kissing or GTFO.

Terry September 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

"He blamed the attack that killed Stevens on Obama’s handling of the region, arguing that the Muslim world would have held the hypothetical Romney administration of 2008-2012 in much greater esteem, which would have prevented violent protests over an anti-Muslim film like the one that led to Stevens’s death."

No, if Romney had been president from 2008-2012, we'd be at war with the United Kingdom.

Goonemeritus September 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

And it would be about time too!

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

I'd rather fight Belgium.

Fat Belgian bastards…

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

And Canada still wouldn't be sure which side to take.

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

At least we'd have the instruction manuals for all their weaponry.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am
sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am
deliman4 September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

And if we lost then we'd all be speaking english and curtsying to the Queen

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

It would be worth it, if only for the clotted cream and crumpets. Yum.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

And Limey Lizzy could be appointed Royal Governess of all Wonkette. Please?

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Pshaw! Clotted cream should only be served with scones, heathen!

Of course, there'd be a civil war to fight about whether you should spread the cream first, then the jam, or vice-versa.

Lascauxcaveman September 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I have so much to learn. Back to the Jane Austen first editions, then.

bobbert September 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I could go for some crumpet, with or without the clotted cream.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

The red coats are just the right height.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Can we be at war with The Netherlands? Because I'd rather fight them over there, if you know what I mean.

hagajim September 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

What a complete fucking asshat this guy is. He also said in an interview with Georgy boy Stephanopolis that middle income was between $200K and $250K…fucking clueless moron is fucking clueless.

1stNewtontheMoon September 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

In fairness, he understood Steph's question to be "middle man" income (banker speak for non-Wall St. financial services sorts). These guys are unaware of an American economy or jobs that exist outside the "financial services" industry.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

No, that's not what he said at all. No way you can take that interpretation in context:

MITT ROMNEY: Number one, reduce tax burdens on middle-income people. So no one can say my plan is going to raise taxes on middle-income people, because principle number one is keep the burden down on middle-income taxpayers.

GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: Is $100,000 middle income?

MITT ROMNEY: No, middle income is $200,000 to $250,000 and less.

Now, I linked to the transcript because there is absolutely no mention of "Middle Man", but a talk about the Feldstein study about charitable and mortgage interest deductions

BornInATrailer September 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Yeah, I'm getting irritated with this already. You can bark about 250k being the upper limit of middle class as perhaps high. But for fuck's sake do not claim he was saying 200k was the floor.

That is some seriously dishonest shit. Leave that "you didn't build that" nonsense to Mitt's campaign.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"Is $100,000 middle income?" "No"

Apparently, the poverty rate in the US just shot up to more than 80%.

Callyson September 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

When I called Mittens out on that on HuffyPo, some troll came back at me with "So did Obama" (in an apparent reference to Obama's desire to maintain tax cuts for those with incomes below $250K.) Putting aside the question of whether he actually said people with this amount of money were middle class (I haven't seen a direct quote where he did so, unlike the one from Mittens that you've got), I pointed out one major difference: Obama does not want to raise taxes on this group, whereas Mittens does. Troll had nothing to counter that…

1stNewtontheMoon September 17, 2012 at 10:30 am

Yes, I was just kidding.

Jus_Wonderin September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Woohoo. Who knew. I am middle class and I don't make anywhere near that. Is Romney giving me a big, fat raise?

Self-Uploader September 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

No. You've been demoted to poors. But that's not a bad thing. He said there's a safety net for poors.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

The poorz are jes fine.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I thought it was only the "very poorz" who get the safety net. Us real poorz (making between $20k – $200k) are fucked.

comrad_darkness September 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm

If I made 200k I'd be a fucking king.

Jukesgrrl September 15, 2012 at 8:04 pm

I'd be out shopping for a better mattress and a new car. Hybrid, of course, 'cause I'm a librul.

comrad_darkness September 15, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Oh man. You remind me the mattress really needs to go. I don't even have that on my list. It does keep me exercising religiously because otherwise my back gives out. So there is that.

DerrickWildcat September 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

FREE PUSSY RIOT!

Kid_Charlemagne September 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Where???

Steverino247 September 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

With the purchase of another Pussy Riot at regular price!

glasspusher September 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I knew there was a catch…

Gleem McShineys September 14, 2012 at 2:16 pm

That's a great deal, everyone should snatch it right up!

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:52 pm

A missile defense system in Poland would have saved Pussy Riot.

KeepFnThatChicken September 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

So now Obama's not a Muslin? Next thing you know, there'll be a complaint about him not being black enough.

Not_So_Much September 14, 2012 at 11:32 am

This is totally going to be true on Mitt's planet. This one? Not so much.

1stNewtontheMoon September 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

This man needs to focus on the middle eastern region of the Planet Kolob (where Mitt is already president).

Blueb4sinrise September 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

I gotta a region ya kin handle Mr. Williamson.
Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight here.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

Ohhhhhhh!

Oblios_Cap September 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

“There’s a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation,”

Probably the only true statement to come out of Willard's campaign so far. But not for the reason they're citing.

el_donaldo September 14, 2012 at 11:34 am

O.K. But if he starts posing for shirtless photos like Putin, then that's crossing a line.

Redgyal September 14, 2012 at 11:34 am
soeoho September 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

Trebuchets loaded and ready. Underwear starched. Ready for Mission (ary) commander..

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

I hope these jackholes realize that when they cheat, suppress votes and end up buying the election, the U.S. of A is going to look a lot like "Muslim world". (Do they mean the Middle East? Sheeesh!)

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Yeah I know, I mean it's not like the country with the world's largest muslim population is Indonesia, or anything. Nor like the second largest is Pakistan.

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

I believe they mean the textile industry.

Self-Uploader September 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I'm probably wrong, but I'm beginning to think that he's been such a fucktard that if the election was stolen, there might actually be rioting and people taking it the street instead of the supreme court like in 2000.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You mean, actual people, not a bunch of lawyers in Brooks Brothers suits?

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

“For the first time since Jimmy Carter, we’ve had an American ambassador assassinated.”

I'll just leave this here

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

No wire hangers fact checking allowed.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

I knew there was another one! What a bunch of frightfully stupid, desperate people.

A Seperate Reality , by Willard "Mitt" Romney.

Lazy Media September 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Oh, that's totally different. He was just the local USAID head, not the ambassador, so it doesn't count.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

See, I was prepared for that argument, and I'll counter by saying he was a diplomat and so the last *diplomat* (i.e. non-combatant American government official) to be killed overseas.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Sure, but MittBot's language parser distinguishes between "ambassador" and "Diplomat." Logic circuits FTW.

MUHAMMED_PBUH September 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

Foley wasn't an ambassador.

That said, the last American Ambassador to be assassinated was Arnold Raphel, ambassador to Pakistan, under REAGAN. He died in the same "mysterious" plane crash as President Zia ul-Haq. However, this doesn't fit with Mitt's narrative because 25 years ago the Republicans were best buddies with Islamists like ul-Haq; much easier to blame Carter.

MegPasadena September 14, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Since it was under Reagan, they will not call it "assassinated".
It is a "mystery" .

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I'll add this: http://www.afsa.org/afsa_memorial_plaque_list.asp…. That's a list of the 236 Foreign Service Officers to die in the line of duty up until this week.

At least 30 were killed under Reagan, dying at the hands of terrorists or in attacks on US embassies (some descriptions aren't clear if they were attacks or accidents). Another 10 died from attacks under W, despite the fact that FSOs mainly kept to "secure" compounds in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, and at least a few more died in Iraq and Afghanistan under Obama that can be attributed to W's misadventures. That's on top of the numerous ones who have died because they are living in less developed parts of the world (plane crashes, disease, "lack of medical facilities" etc.)

Making it about the status of any particular victim completely misses the point (which is hardly new for a Romney advisor) – the Foreign Service professionals who choose to serve in places that don't love the US have always been at risk. It is those professionals, not the political appointees that take most of the safe and symbolic ambassadorial posts, that are living in danger every day. They deserve to be honored for their sacrifice just as much as any member of the armed services. It is the price of engaging a hostile world in the service of America's interests and values, and we are all better for their efforts.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Making it about the status of any particular victim completely misses the point

Seems especially salient in that there's a pretty good chance the attackers didn't even know the Ambassador was in Benghazi when they launched the attack.

miss_grundy September 14, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Why are the Republicans suffering from amnesia when it comes to Dubya? I hope that some earnest journalist actually brings this gentleman to Mittens' attention and let's him know that an assassination happened under a Repub watch…..

weejee September 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

World class fucking through wearing Romney masks.

Needz moar Guy Fucks Guy Fawkes masks.

BarackMyWorld September 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I think you had it right the first time.

PsycWench September 14, 2012 at 11:35 am

OK, now you're just babbling crazy talk.

deanbooth September 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

They'll like him over there so we don't have to like him over here.

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 11:36 am

I get a sad when I think about how many times in western history we could have used the bold leadership of this impeccably-coiffed colostomy bag:
Hastings, Oct. 14, 1066
Pearl Harbor, Dec. 7, 1941
Beirut, Oct. 23, 1983
New York, Sept. 11, 2011
Benghazi, Sept. 11, 2012

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Why does Mitt Romney hate America so that he failed to prevent Pearl Harbor?????

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

And why did he go around apologizing to the Japs before they even attacked us??

kittensdontlie September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

When the world needed him, where has Mr. Muttons been?!!!

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You forgot the day that the Lily Ledbetter fair pay act became law.

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Hastings, Oct. 14, 1066

He already speaks French.

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Bien fait!

MegPasadena September 14, 2012 at 2:51 pm

You mean "New York, Sept. 11, 2001".

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

No, actually, I meant NY, Sept. 13, 2012, the Wonkette drink thing–Mitt coulda been the designated driver
(jj–good catch)

sharethegrief September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Restore Our Future retroactively.

Beowoof September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

So the guy that managed to piss off our bestest friend in the world on his first trip abroad and then shared how he met the head of MI-6, which the government does not admit exists. Yes I am sure the world holds him in high esteem. He is a steaming pile and should be avoided at all costs is what they should have said.

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

our bestest friend in the world

Does Canada still get huffy when that title isn't applied to them?

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Yeah, but they don't have the guts to confront us about it, so they just complain to Australia when we're not in the room.

SayItWithWookies September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Well he's right — Muammar Qaddafi would never have let that attack happen.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Not without his approval, at least.

shelwood46 September 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

My jaw dropped when I saw conservatives slamming Obama by saying that if he had only kept Qaddafi and Mubarak in office, this never would have happened.

SexySmurf September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

Mitt Romney is the reason you've never been eaten by a lion.

Misty Malarky September 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

Romney is a McGuffin!

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Mitt is the rock that keeps the tigers away

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:38 am

If Mittens gets elected in November the Mayans were right.

weejee September 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

Would that mean in the Holy of Holies of the Grand Tabernacle in Salt Lake there is a copy of the Popol Vuh under the alter?

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

Sure, why not. It would be no different than the other fairy tales under the altar.

Goonemeritus September 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Yes the Muslim world is full of esteem for Republican administrations; just look how the Middle East became as placid as a napping kitten during the Reagan, Bush and Bush II terms.

Peckerwood_Pete September 14, 2012 at 11:39 am

Here's a novel suggestion for our beloved 2 parties…. let's uhhhh… focus on the USA…..

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

No, the USA is broken and to be sold off at the next Republican garage sale.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

As-is.

4TheTurnstiles September 14, 2012 at 11:40 am

Romney's is an idiotic campaign, you know.

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

Really?? Well no wonder he is so appealing to the rightwing.

Peckerwood_Pete September 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Romney is to the GOP in 2012, what John Kerry was to the DNC in 2004, and Dukakis in 1988…..

Mumbletypeg September 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

These blind, desperate stabs at injecting self-relevancy into newsworthy events is proving about as clean and dazzle-y for Mittens as his team's appropriating an Aqua-Fresh® logo into his campaign insignia. It's been all downhill since then, IMO.

Lazy Media September 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

That's some real good campaignin', there, Mitt, beating on foreign policy for an entire week when 4 percent of the population thinks foreign policy is the key issue in the electio, and nearly everyone thinks Obama's better at it than you.

Romney/Ryan = Dole/Kemp.

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

God I hope so, Lazy Media!

I've seen our guys blow up a sure thing so many times, I won't feel about comfortable about this statement until January 21, 2013.

zumpie September 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Actually, that's an insult to Dole/Kemp (and I consider them to be complete losers, too). Dole was a war hero and, for most part, fairly upstanding. Kemp was jerky, but nowhere near the level of douchebag that Eddie is. Plus they both generally acted like grown ups. Something I have yet to see Thurston or Munster do

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

Back in the days when the Republican Party had some moderates….

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Back in the days when the Republican Party had some humans….

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

Dole wasn't that bad. In fact, I heard he'd give you his right arm if you needed it.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

'Scuse me, Bob, can I borrow that pen?

proudgrampa September 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Shame on you two!

*proudgrampa hides in closet, laughs ass off*

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I'm not sure Mittens' campaign is even as competent as the idiots who couldn't get Bob to stop talking in the third person. Plus, as we saw on SNL after he lost, Bob Dole actually can tell a joke when he isn't being controlled by handlers – Mitt, not so much.

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 11:41 am

I think he dis-esteemed himself by even mentioning Obama.

Jus_Wonderin September 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Jus Wonderin is speechless. Speechless.

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

Would that be Jus Speechless?

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:43 am

Yeah, let's all join together in blatantly ignoring that the rate of attacks on US Embassies under Obama is about 1/6th of what it was under Bush, whose foreign policy Mitt would replicate in every way except for the names of the countries he'd invade under dubious pretenses, and also PEPFAR.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

Mitt Romney for President. Of Freedonia.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

I don't even want him to be president of Ruritania.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

How about king of the Islets of Langerhans?

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Hell no I don't want him having authority of any of my body, and nor do you I suspect.

Maybe he can be president of Anoat. Maybe.

oenspiek September 14, 2012 at 1:21 pm

These are the laws
Of my administration:

No one’s allowed to smoke,
Or tell a dirty joke

And whistling is forbidden.

(We’re not allowed to tell a dirty joke!)

Hail, hail Freedonia!

If chewing gum is chewed
The chewer is pursued
And in the hoosegow hidden.

(If we choose to chew we’ll be pursued!)

If any form of pleasure is exhibited,
Report to me
And it will be prohibited!

I’ll put my foot down,
So shall it be!

This is the Land of the Free!

The last man nearly ruined this place,
He didn’t know what to do with it.

If you think this country’s bad off now,
Just wait ill I get through with it!

This country’s taxes must be fixed
And I know what to do with it!

If you think you’re paying too much now,
Just wait till I get through with it!

(…)

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:31 pm

I wondered where Singapore had gotten its legal code.

EatsBabyDingos September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Mitt would have lost Grenada, for fuck's sake.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

But he would have bought it back in an LBO of the Marxist guerrillas, then used it as collateral to take out a loan to buy Cuba and run it into the ground. So win-win.

Kid_Charlemagne September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Mittens has apparently grown a bigger stick.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

Or just become a bigger tool.

zumpie September 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

In his magic undies!!!

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Let's see – how would he have done different?….would he have growled at them: "Muslins? Grrr…grrrrrrr…..woof….get off my roof….."?

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Well, you know Who Else would have forced the Middle East to hold his country in greater esteem?

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

Bibi, with Mitt's help?

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 11:59 am

T. E. Lawrence?

Sivart_R1 September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm
actor212 September 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Alexander the Great of Macedonia?

MUHAMMED_PBUH September 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Tamerlane the Magnificent, who built a pyramid of 90,000 human heads in the charred ruins of Baghdad?

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Xerxes?

SayItWithWookies September 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Ozymandias, king of kings?

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

I looked upon his works. And despaired.

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I know – they're headless….

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Peter Thiel, President and CEO of Sealandia?

cheaphits September 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Melkor…oh, wait…that's Middle Earth.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Close enough.

BerkeleyBear September 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm

King David? Julius Cesar? Hannibal? Faisal ibn Saud? Mustafa Kemal Ataturk? Bashir Assad? Anwar Sadat?

The list goes on and on.

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

I am actually not interested in providing world class fucking to anyone wearing Romney's stupid fucking smirk face. That would be a whole different kind of penetration if it were up to me.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

You feelin' stabby, missy?

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Where's BigSkullF*ckingDog? She can explain it better'n me with just her name.

Lazy Media September 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

OoooOOOoooh.

FlownOver September 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

But – legitimate?

SayItWithWookies September 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

With votes?

prommie September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I don't own any masks, not even one, I haven't borrowed or rented any masks, I hate masks and never wear a mask for any purpose ever. However I have it on goodd authority that all these other guys around here and really, all men everywhere, all are secret Romney-mask wearers, though they may deny it. Just thought you should know.

AtwatersGhost September 14, 2012 at 11:49 am

Can't spell assassinate without 'ass', can't spell Mitt without 'asshole'.

EatsBabyDingos September 14, 2012 at 11:50 am

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto, errrr, Jenny Rubin, says "OK, Bernake committed the Fed to paying billions yesterday, but where are the jobs today? I blame Obama."

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

I worry about her, that she might end up in a straightjacket

OK, no, I don't worry. I wish it would happen.

zumpie September 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

Not only will I deny my children this wonderful opportunity, but I will gleefully take that "first step into 1,000 years of darkness". Bwa ha ha ha ha!

AddHomonym September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

JIMMY CARTER BUDDHIST TEMPLE AMNESTY I BUILT THAT RULE OF LAW CHURCHILL AGENDA NO CONTROLLING LEGAL AUTHORITY LIBERAL MEDIA .

Lazy Media September 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

Bingo!

DCBloom September 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

OHHHH…. NOW I get it!

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Billy Joel is interested in updating We didn't start the fire and would like your help.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Tough to find a meter for "no controlling legal authority", though.

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"planes crash into towers – no one could foresee"?

FlownOver September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

The Romney Doctrine: Peace Through Fuck You.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

With its corollary, Because Shut Up.

Wilcoxyz September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

Mittens will be greeted as a liberator.

el_donaldo September 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

We could send him over to test that out, maybe?

zumpie September 14, 2012 at 11:57 am

What's funny is that Mann Coulter is actually pointing to Iraq as a success in bringing democracy to the mideast

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

By democracy, she means skullfucking the Poors.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

He wouldn't be greeted as a carburetor.

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Let's throw flowers and kisses at him. Or something.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

You misspelled Lie Berater.

orygoon September 14, 2012 at 11:52 am

It's just exactly like Romney is George Washington, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt and Ronald Reagan, all unified into one corporate-merged entity.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Dead Presidents, Inc., Rmoney, CEO.

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Politicians are people, too, my friend….

Lot_49 September 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

Other events of the hypothetical 2008-12 Romney Administration:

(1) The Great Food Riots of 2009, when thousands stormed Safeway to find bread

(2) The Third Persian Gulf War, which began in 2011 after the Saudi ambassador referred to Ann Romney as "a woman indistinguishable from her mount."

(3) The Homeless Migration of 2012, in which thousands of foreclosed homeowners, who lost their jobs after GM, Ford and Chrysler closed down, descended upon Florida, Alabama and South Carolina, hoping to escape a brutal winter and find non-union labor with no benefits.

johnnyzhivago September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

"Mitt's Folly" – when we gave Florida to Israel and then forced all hispanics living there to migrate to Palestine, where "they would fit in, being brown and all like that…"

Geminisunmars September 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm

(4) The Lysistrata Revolt of 2010, when hundreds of thousands of women marched on Washington when their rights to birth control were reversed, vowing to "unservice" their husbands until their rights are restored.

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm

The Great Senior Die-Off of 2011, after Ryan's voucher program goes into effect. This saves us a lot of money, allowing for a fifth round of tax cuts for the rich.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Mittens is fluent in the cheese eating surrender monkey language of the French – no fucking way any tur-er-us is gonna fear him.

Chichikovovich September 14, 2012 at 11:55 am

“For the first time since Jimmy Carter, we’ve had an American ambassador assassinated.”

Actor212 mentioned Lawrence Foley above. Why not pile on. Even if we stick to diplomats who were ambassadors, Reagan's ambassador to Pakistan, Arnold Lewis Raphel died in an unexplained, and rather suspicious plane crash killing President Zia Al-Haq and a US General. Even under Saint Reagan!

These guys can't even get right the most simple facts that anyone with an internet connection can check in five minutes.

Gleem McShineys September 14, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Wait, is that from a fact checker? BAN HAMMER!!

elviouslyqueer September 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

“It’s not an issue,” Romney adviser Stuart Stevens said in an interview [about Romney's boneheaded pre-emptive strike about Egypt and Libya]. “It was an issue with Barack Obama four years ago, given the fact that he was younger and had little experience, and given his answers in the debates. He had stumble after stumble with foreign policy. Mitt Romney hasn’t. He’s run for president twice now and it’s not been his problem.”

Just so I'm clear, Mr. Stevens. You're saying that Mitt's two-time failed presidential campaigns makes him more experienced on foreign policy matters than the current sitting POTUS? Please, please share all your drugs and share your work. Kthx.

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

All his business travel in first class jets and five star hotels gives him great insight into the plight of the poor around the world. As opposed to Obama's community organizing, which took place entirely in Bill Ayer's living room.

Stupid is a helluva drug.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Fuck his work, jes gimme the drugs. There is a weekend coming up and I want to at least look like I'm planning for the future.

PuckStopsHere September 14, 2012 at 11:56 am

Why are these people still running against Jimmy Carter? Could it be that their base is the only demo bracket OLD enough to remember him?

Also, has Mr. Romney been sufficiently disgusting and assholish this week that he is no longer deserving of the prohibition on our calling for his immediate skull-fucking? The man is, at his essence, gross.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 12:18 pm

For the same reason that Mittens thinks that Russia is our prime geo-political foe… he's stuck in some weird time warp…

MosesInvests September 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

It's just a jump to the left….

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Oh, so that's what really drove him insane. I'd been wondering.

zumpie September 14, 2012 at 12:58 pm

What's most hilarious is that Carter should be a guy they approve of—he was elected originally by white, working class men, he's a former Naval Nuclear Engineer, a Christian Evangelist and has reinvented himself through possibly the most UNcontroversial (well, aside from helping teh poors) charity there is.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I shoot a match Tuesday nights at a local indoor range. In their bathroom, they have the "Hanoi Jane" urinal targets. I've seen these at gun shows. The precipitating incident occurred in July 1972. Forty fucking years ago.

Trannysurprise September 14, 2012 at 11:58 am

Because nothing makes Muslims love you more than a good healthy dose of bombing the fuck out of them.

johnnyzhivago September 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Mooslims love dancing horses I hear, so I'd send Ann Romney on a dressage tour of the whole middle east. I imagine they would all convert from that cooky religion by the time it was over.

BartStarrland September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Mitt Romney for President. Of Freedonia. Wrong Freedonia

Chichikovovich September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

“It’s not an issue,” Romney adviser Stuart Stevens said in an interview [about Romney's boneheaded pre-emptive strike about Egypt and Libya]. “It was an issue with Barack Obama four years ago, given the fact that he was younger and had little experience, and given his answers in the debates. He had stumble after stumble with foreign policy

Stumble after stumble? I don't remember that. I do remember him insisting that he would go after Bin Laden unilaterally if OBL were hiding in Pakistan and the government of Pakistan were not acting. McCain and RMoney were both pretty upset about that as I recall, and said that would be an awful thing to do. So I guess that's what you mean.

That's a great point, Mr. Stevens. You should run with it.

fuflans September 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

that's exactly what i was going to note.

wtf stumbles is he talking about? the fact that wingtards have to blather on and on about '57 states' and teleprompters is a clue that they got nothing else.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Marine Corpse libel!!11!1!!!

weejee September 14, 2012 at 12:03 pm

If Mittenz were Prez, he would long ago have been spraying an aerosol of finely ground pork over the entire Muslim world just like Trickie Dick did with Agent Orange in Vietnam.

fuflans September 14, 2012 at 12:09 pm

well to be fair, mittens wouldn't have gotten bin laden.

SayItWithWookies September 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

And GM would be dead.

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

That certainly would have lessened their desire for revenge, if all their leaders were un-assassinated. Then we could focus our energies in our new war with Russia and China. Brilliant!

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Lou Sarah for Sec of State 'cause she knows how to deal with that Putin fucker when he rears his ugly head.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Blow him?

prommie September 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

The North-Korea-ness of this is very reassuring. Kim Jong Romney will prevail and create a world of peace and prosperity for the glorious Mormon States of America!

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Thank you. I knew there was someone of whom he was reminding me.

Of course, Kim Jong Il is dead, so there is room for improvement for Romney.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 12:12 pm

You know who else was known as the Prince of Peace?

Generation[redacted] September 14, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Sprout?

Oh sorry, I thought you said the Prince of Peas.

Gleem McShineys September 14, 2012 at 2:52 pm

No no no. He said something else completely!

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm
BartStarrland September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

My brother made a similar argument after he f*cked my wife.

Boojum September 14, 2012 at 12:59 pm

That if Mitt Romney had been President it wouldn't have happened? Because I could totally see that.

thefrontpage September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Of course, it's worth remembering that there were 12 terrorist attacks on overseas U.S. embassies during the Bush II administration–and the terrorist attacks of 9/11 occurred during the Bush II administration. But the reality is that attacks–domestic and foreign–will occur during any administration, whether it's FDR, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, Clinton, Bush II or Obama. That's the reality. It doesn't matter who is in office. And for anyone to politicize an attack, domestic or foreign, like Romney did–that's just amateurish, unprofessional, offensive, wrong, and just plain stupid. It shows why Romney should not be elected to any political office.

pdiddycornchips September 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Sergio De Mello died in the early days of the Iraq war when our Viceroy was too busy shoveling plane loads of hundred dollar bills to military contractors paid to protect him.
But it doesn't matter. Their game plan is simply to lie and hope no one either notices or cares. If these fuckers win, I am forming a militia and moving into the woods behind Strawberry Fields to plot revolution.

proudgrampa September 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Well said. And eloquent.

The only thing I could add is that Romney is a poo-poo head.

chicken_thief September 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

And he's got that fucking head so big it ought to be on another body. Like Wilt Chamberlain size. Every time I see Mittens I half expect to see "MetLife" on the side of his skull.

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Um, just try to say what you mean, frontpage….we get it – Obama is a Muslim…

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Under a Romney presidency, instead of seeing worldwide riots over The Innocence of Muslims, there would instead be violent riots over The God Makers.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Oh yeah?
If Monsieur Grumpe were president we’d all have personal jet packs, our farts would smell like roses and Mazak would be illegal.

RRoccoco September 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Translation:
"compelling story"=fact-free, logic-free lie
"much greater esteem"=muslins will bow down before a rich, white guy
"hypothetical Romney administration"=white entitlment is right
"would have prevented violent protests"=rich guy with retroactive money machine can buy anyone, anywhere, anytime

mr bojangles September 14, 2012 at 12:21 pm

ok then i will vote for romney for pete's sake!!!

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:23 pm

A Republican Romney administration would have been held in greater esteem by the Muslim royalty, perhaps…

pdiddycornchips September 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Why do the talking heads on TV take this shit seriously? They nod their well groomed heads as if what was just said had any basis in reality. What's wrong with the occasional
"Are you fucking nuts?" reply? We're supposed to believe than Romney, by dint of his regal gaze and stern finger pointing, would prevent any and all protests in the Muslim world? That's essentially their position isn't it? How is that not met with a swift kick in the nutz and advice to visit the nearest mental health facility?

prommie September 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Romney is Bill Bradksy!

Gleem McShineys September 14, 2012 at 2:50 pm

They use Mitt's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at the Salt Lake Stadium!

Blunderthing September 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

If the Universe were run like a fucking business, we'd be contracting, not expanding.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 12:34 pm

The Mitt Romney Song will become the new national anthem:

Our President, proudly hailed he is,
Throughout this land, cheers loudly ring.
The people he proudly leads,
The Sun's cause he carries on.
Long live, long live, President Romney!
All the blossoms of this earth
His wide and sweet love they tell,
The East and West Seas' waters deep blue
His actions they proudly sing.
The Rose Garden he glorifies,
for a joyful artist he truly is.
Long live, long live, President Romney!
With his strong courage and will,
Capitalism he proudly defends.
Our nation's great honor and pride,
To all across the world's corners he truly brings.
For freedom he truly stands,
and he wins the justice for all.
Long live, long live, President Romney!

docterry6973 September 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Roanoke Colony? Romney conquers the Tidewater region.
Valley Forge? Pheasant and champagne all around.
War of 1812? US troops burn London.
Mexican War? US annexes everything south to Panama, Romney hand-digs canal.
War of Northern Aggression? Romney leads South to victory, then frees slaves.
WWI? Kaiser abdicates in 1910 because Romney smirked at him.
WWII? Romney destroys Japanese fleet in attack announced in advance.
Korea? Communist China surrenders to US.
Vietnam? Ho Chi Minh last seen escaping by helicopter.
Middle East? Muslims and Jews convert to LDS without even dying first.

proudgrampa September 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Wow.

That's an alternate history that would make an entire series. Are you Harry Turtledove?

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Needs moar bad puns.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The answer, my friends,
is blowing through Mitt's hair
The answer is blowing through Mitt's hair

bobbert September 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm

The answer is blowing out Mitt's ass.

owhatever September 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Change horses in mid-stream? Well, Mitt actually HAS a horsie, and your kick-ass Kenyan leader doesn't.

So you have one guy, the one who killed bin Laden, slowly wading across the stream and the other guy on a real dancing pony. Word spreads throughout the Muslim world that Rafalca is coming and the anger changes to laughter.

Paul Ryan says he will cut funding for security at the Embassies abroad. Vote Mitt and save this poor ole world.

DahBoner September 14, 2012 at 12:47 pm

If Romney is the Answer…

…then the question must be:

"What's more useless than an iPhone tatoo?"

HogeyeGrex September 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Wow! So that's what panicked flop-sweat smells like.

BarackMyWorld September 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm

President Mittens Willard Romulus's "peace through esteem" solution sounds airtight. After all, we know how high in esteem everyone held Taxachussettes in while he was governor back in 2004.

carlgt1 September 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm

because Rmoney would control the xenophobic religious zealots in his party who screech about burning Korans and making bad movies just to infuriate people in the third-world?

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Mitt has a more active fantasy life than J. R. R. Tolkien. Wasn't there a James Thurber story entitled "The Secret Life of Mittens Romney"?

FloydSlump September 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'm having a hard time understanding something. If Mitt is a living god, come to us from the future to show us the error of our ways, why couldn't he have set his time machine for 2008 instead of now so all this wouldn't be happening?

Slim_Pickins September 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

The Arabs would hold a Mormon in higher esteem than a fellow Muslim? Seems a bit of a stretch.

Beach_Bubba_Tex September 14, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Mitt wants to take his stick out… "can I, huh, can I?"

savethispatient September 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm

How can President Obama be offering them lemonade, when it's already been established that he hasn't seen the inside of a lemonade stand? Eh? We need a thorough investigation!

LibrarianX September 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm

penis

LibrarianX September 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm

And not in any good way.

smitallica September 14, 2012 at 2:20 pm

So let me get right wing batshittery straight:

Obama is a secret Muslim that the Muslim world hates because they would much prefer the Mormon.

Got it.

DocChaos September 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Telling that the Romney hack used "story" instead of "case", as he is aware that what he is spinning is complete fiction.

valthemus September 14, 2012 at 2:39 pm

"…the Muslim world would have held the hypothetical Romney administration of 2008-2012 in much greater esteem, which would have prevented violent protests over an anti-Muslim film like the one that led to Stevens’s death."

No, it just means the violent protests would have been over the Romney administration's latest extension of the middle finger to the Muslim community by having one of their many anti-Islam Republicans show up to an Egyptian state funeral in a mint-green parka.

Gleem McShineys September 14, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Cool story, bro.

DahBoner September 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm

"Jimmy Carter"

…was right.
http://hnn.us/articles/52030.html

GREETINGS FROM HISTORY, SIMULATED WHITE FINISH MEXICAN ROBOT

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I actually think his brain is incapable of functioning when his obvious lies are challenged. I consider it to be a disqualifying flaw – in fact, two disqualifying flaws – the constant telling of obvious lies, and the inability to function in the presence of dissent.

In context, there's no coherent way to parse his sentence, it's self-contradictory. The "no" is probably a verbal tic, albeit a strange one. Even if you remove it, though, the answer is entirely nonresponsive, because within it is an admission Mitt desperately wants to avoid making explicit – that he will raise taxes on the middle class if elected.

He certainly should be hammered for that answer.

fawkedifiknow September 14, 2012 at 4:56 pm

If only we had had a Republican president 11 years ago. Think of all the terrorism we would have avoided. Because Muslims love/fear America when the Republicans are in charge.

Oh, wait. Did I say 11 years ago?

clblabin September 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm

The one thing that all the world's religions have in common: none of them associate Mitt Romney with the word "esteem."

anniegetyerfun September 14, 2012 at 6:05 pm

I don't want to have to do Frank Luntz's job or anything, but this entire weekend will be dominated by the Republican war machine discussing how Obama is too weak to effectively kill every brown person in the world. And as long as it is framed in terms of every single death of an American being Obama's fault, it will probably help Romney's numbers.

kingofmeh September 14, 2012 at 8:38 pm

did a republican really just claim that he's qualified to be president because muslims would like him more than president obama?

lulzmonger September 16, 2012 at 12:00 am

“There’s a pretty compelling story that if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation,”

YESSSSSS!

I knew that "Scavenging Thru Rubble 4 Fun & Prophet" workshop would pay off eventually!

ttommyunger September 16, 2012 at 11:06 am

"Will you deny that opportunity to your children?" Yes! With every fiber of my being…

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Now he can't even hold a firm stance within the bounds of a single sentence!

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Had to happen sooner or later.

sullivanst September 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Side note: I used to live literally next door to where Jane Austen used to live.

Terry September 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"Jane Austen in Bath"

You durty thing, you!

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