I AIN'T NO APE SODA MAN  9:16 am September 14, 2012

The Lord Jesus Hates Dr Pepper And You Should Too

by Rich Abdill

OUTRAGE!Hello, and welcome to yet another segment on people who have completely lost perspective! Today’s guests are “Christians mad at soda.”

It all started with an advertisement posted on Facebook Thursday afternoon. It was silly, as advertisements for bubbly sugar-water are wont to be, and depicted Dr Pepper turning a primate into a homo sapien with the power of its deliciousness — ”the evolution of flavor.”

Did any you viewers home catch it? Did any of you catch the horrible thing?

You got it folks — Dr Pepper said “evolution.”

People got quite mad about this, you see, because evolution is obviously fake, and the people who are outraged over this attack on religious freedom have TAKEN TO THE INTERNET, because they cannot be bothered to get off their couches and storm an embassy.

Let’s get your opinions! Our first caller is Amy. Amy, how do you feel about Dr Pepper?

"Kindness"Thank you Amy! We shall file that under “If you like Dr Pepper you’re going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost.” Who’s next? Shan, you’re on the air!

"Truth."

Good question, Shan! How can Dr Pepper promote evolution?

One could be inclined to think they aren’t, because that would be as silly as a chicken shack taking a stance on gay marriage. Is it possible they are trying to do something else, such as selling pepper soda?

Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?

Shan?

…Shan?

OK, it appears Shan has disconnected. Next caller!

"Not so."Sound logic, Clydell. Taking a moment to critically analyze evolution should clearly result in coming to the conclusion that it could only be true if God were a monkey. That is definitely the only conclusion to come to at this intellectual juncture, and I think we all learned a little something.

Let’s get one more viewer on the line. Ricky, you’re up!
"Proof."Hm. Well, let’s take one more, because Ricky appears to have had a stroke.

"A shame."Sorry Joe, didn’t quite catch that. There seems to be some static on the line — all we could make out was “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU HOLY BOOK HOLY BOOK.”

In any case, that’s all the time we have for today! We’ll see you next time, when Rep. Louis Gohmert will be on to explain how atheists make people go on movie theater shooting sprees. And remember kids, Jesus drinks Mr. Pibb.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 340 comments }

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 9:19 am

What country do these zealots live in? Where? OFFS.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:24 am

Barbarians. They're not just in North Africa anymore…

natoslug September 14, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Hey now! Barbarian is just another name for anyone not a member of the Roman Empire. These people are neanderthals. Wait, that means they might evolve, and clearly, their evolutionary tree has pretty much been pruned of anything that might grow. Briquettes. Charcoal briquettes. Because they are carbon-based, and apparently as mass-manufactured as their outraged.

Mumbletypeg September 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

From the Shan Ahmad excerpt:

How can we argue about something as petty as evolution when we should be worshiping together in the glory of God? ..Are apes capable of worshiping the one true God? No, we are the only perfect creation capable of free will that can serve God.”

It is such familiar talking-point phraseology to me. Where I come from, the TV preachers like Ben Haden and Chuck Stanley use the whole King-Jamesian-bowdlerized 'of creation' for "all the shit you see around you" ; and talk about being able to "worship teh Lord" like it was some kind of Magic, awe-inspiring trippy where you're high-fiving the archangelic host and reminisce about how unicorns were left behind when Noah set sail, etc.

Except their somnolent droning on these televised sermons — when I catch them every so often after many years' past exposure — *still* puts me to sleep. The fact such vernacular is a 'turn-on' to folks like Shan is proof enough of devolution for me: he/she is reverting to the reduced form of human thinking-potential, that's surely anathema to the same Gawd who put such expanded-conscious-capable, info-absorbent, resilient yet complex brains into His duper-humans' heads.

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

.Are apes capable of worshiping the one true God?
Who knows? Idiot.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:05 am

Right? I mean, has anyone ever seen an ape on a Sunday morning? How do we know they don't pile into the family Buick and drive over to the local banana tree for some salvation?

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I hear they sing some mighty fine gospel too.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:38 pm

"Except their somnolent droning on these televised sermons — when I catch them every so often after many years' past exposure — *still* puts me to sleep"

Do they still do that thing with overpronouncing the syllables-uh, so that no word has less than three of them, not even Guh-aw-duh?

SnarkoMarx September 14, 2012 at 9:19 am

These people can fool you sometimes by walking upright.

Terry September 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

But not for long. That's why God invented Rascal scooters.

Texan_Bulldog September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

I bet those Geico cavemen commercials really confuse them.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

Some of them even use utensils to eat their food, too.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 9:20 am

Reading facebook posts like this make me guilty because I think I have helped myself to more than my fair share of humor in the world and these people are forced to be insufferable assholes because of the humor shortage I have created.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:26 am

Ah, but you see, xtians can get by with just the tiniest bit of humor in their lives. Nearly none, actually.

Grief_Lessons September 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

Have you read The Divine Comedy? Hardly any yuks at all.

OneDollarJuana September 14, 2012 at 9:44 am

A sense of humor requires a certain level of intelligence, and a certain awareness of the incongruity of life and of one's own beliefs. Religious zealots are clinging so tenaciously to their beliefs they need to shout out any contravening facts. They cannot recognize that any of their beliefs may be a bit silly and indefensible, because that means their whole system of beliefs will crumble. These are desperate people, cornered people, and we all know that the most dangerous animal is a cornered animal. Except for a hungry polar bear.

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

Polar bear, Schmolar bear – helicopter and a rifle will settle their hash – youbetcha

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

"we all know that the most dangerous animal…"

I submit Candirus (Vandellia).

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

It was my main girl Dorothy Parker who said something to the effect that a sense of humor is necessary to leaven the loaf and keep you from being a self-important jackass.

weejee September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

But there is the #1 Rmoney campaign slogan: “Through me you pass into the city of woe.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:13 am

But you cannot use up the funny! There is an inexhaustible supply, just like with love and kindness. Half the problem with this world is too many people seem to think it costs something to be fucking nice to people, like they think they are gonna use it all up and have none left. Fuck that, be nice, smile at people, say they look pretty even if they don't, as Bluto said, "it don't cost nothin."

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

You have GOT to get over this "worrying about weird looking people's feelings" thing. It is not really up to you to lie to all the strange-lings and make them feel better. Unless maybe that really is your calling, and you're the guardian angel for all of the unfortunately faced womens who don't get enough attention.
HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! Suddenly I am concerned.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

Hey its an H.L. Mencken thing, Mencken redivivus, or so I have been told. What he said was: "If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl."

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:29 am

No thats not why I wink at you. I don't think I ever have winked at you.

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

THINK? You don't THINK? STOMP STOMP STOMP. Whatever Gabriel of the Goofy Girls, I'm shaking that ass on outta here. I gotta go do something about my face.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

I'm not nice and you can't make me be nice.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:36 am

Liar.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 11:13 am

I AM A BADDASS SKULLF*CKING DOG!

kingofmeh September 14, 2012 at 8:44 pm

the quality of snark is not strained; it falleth like the gentle craze from bachman.

PsycWench September 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Not at all, these people are providers of funny.

Beetagger September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

Jesus loves me like a cool, refreshing soda.

PuckStopsHere September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

Dr. Pepper isn't even in The Bible! Therefore it was not created by The Creator and therefore it does not exist. Duh, uh. No 'scuse me while I move to Saudi Arabia so I can beat my wife like a good Christian husband.

Terry September 14, 2012 at 9:32 am

By all rights, they should be drinking lots and lots of wine, just like Jesus did.

MosesInvests September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

Oh, these idiots think that Jesus turned water into grape juice at that wedding in K'far Kanna.

Beowoof September 14, 2012 at 11:27 am

Well I will be doing later this evening, sort of a form of worship. And the more wine I have the less I care about these guys, so its all good.

JackDempsey1 September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

If I understand this correctly, this means Dr. Pepper is the Missing Drink.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

Win.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

Yep.

SoBeach September 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

Ding ding ding! Winner!

sewollef September 14, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wait, wait…. it's all very well, calling this a winner. But where's the fossil record to prove the drink exists?

Texan_Bulldog September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

Ha ha…I usually have one Dr. Pepper a day (for health….okay, the caffeine since I don't drink coffee), but today I think I'll have two.

And if the primate pisses them off, they should dust off some of those old David Naughton 'I'm a Pepper' commercials. Shudder….

GlowneyHouse September 14, 2012 at 9:26 am

Or that movie where David Naughton goes to England and "evolves" into a werewolf. That ain't of God neither!

Texan_Bulldog September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

Am American Werewolf in London — interesting movie (of course I was only about 16 at the time so everything was interesting and you got to see his nekkid bum!)

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 10:27 am

Jenny Agutter in the shower – mmmmmm

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It was one of those rare movies that succeeded at a difficult task — being scary AND funny.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

"And if the primate pisses them off…"

I thought you meant the Bishop there.

OneDollarJuana September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

You should have three Dr. Peppers. Remember the old labels? 10, 2, and 4 were on there to remind you when to have one. And remember "hot" Dr. Pepper? They wanted you to actually heat it up on the stove for a changeup.

Iam_Who_Iam September 15, 2012 at 1:39 am

My husband (and now my kids) like to drink hot Dr. Pepper with lemon when they are sick. I had never seen this before we got married and thought my husband was insane. So thanks for sharing that, it's good to know that his insanity is at least based on something external and not just a product of his own delusions.

ChillBill September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

I hated Dr.Pepper before Jesus did. That shit tastes like toothpaste to me.

OurHoboSenator September 14, 2012 at 9:25 am

The water in my elementary school gym's drinking fountains had an aftertaste that was exactly like Dr. Pepper. Eww. Although I guess now I know that was actually because it was HOLY WATER from GOD.

kittensdontlie September 14, 2012 at 10:51 am

As Darwin as my witness, I will drink that peppered swill until all the chicken-eating haters have gone to meet their maker(yes, it's el diablo).

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Toothpaste? It's prune soda.
*gestures melodramatically*
PRUNE SODA!!

M. Bouffant September 14, 2012 at 3:26 pm

No, its artificial & natural flavors are cherry based.

SorosBot September 14, 2012 at 9:21 am

No, scientists are not still debating the validity of this theory, no more than they are still debating whether the Earth is round or flat; concrete proof was established long ago, and evolution is proven fact, just because you are a moron who denies proven facts just because some stupid book contradicts the truth doesn't mean the rest of the world has to accommodate your willful ignorance.

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

I wish we could put them all inside a dome and let them live out their alternate reality without it infecting the rest of us.

Goonemeritus September 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

If evolution exists how do you explain the Republican Party Mr. smartypants?

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 9:52 am

Lead poisoning?

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:06 am

The missing link?

WhatTheHolyHeck September 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm

That would be devolution.

Or perhaps decomposition.

freddymcmurray September 14, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Jocko Homo to be exact.

SorosBot September 14, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Are we not men?

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Greed?
Racism?
Stockholm Syndrome?
Pandering to the worst in people's instincts?

ThundercatHo September 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

Your post helps to prove my theory that Wonketteers should be in charge of everything, esp. dealing with the xtians.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 14, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Well since these morons apparently think Christendom (or in their case, Christendumb) is desirable it makes sense their brains would still be in a Dark Age. The funniest thing is evolution does not take a stance on god, and I do love their arguments. The jury is out on evolution, meanwhile the existence of God is proven because um, uh..um, uh….movies? yes, movies! Like the end of the original War of the Worlds when everyone prays in the church the aliens just leave…uh huh, take that, SCIENCE! Evolution is one of the most widely proved sciences that exists so therefore it's bullshit. But remember this is the same crowd who reads about a hate crime against black people and immediately decides the victims made up the crimes themselves. They are the common clay of the West…ya know, morons.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 September 14, 2012 at 3:28 pm

These also are the same people who maintain with all their might that Dubya found WMD's in Iraq and that war was justified. Even getting beyond the religious stupidity you find a whole bouque of other mongoloid brain scars. Looking at their entire world of stupid it makes sense they'd get incensed at a stupid soda ad that's entire function is to SELL SODA.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Neither are they debating climate change, also too.

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

This is one of a million fucking reasons I'm not of Facebook.

Whatever September 14, 2012 at 11:28 am

What you said.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 9:22 am

In celebrity news, Editrix left the Wonket Drinky Thingie/Warblog on Drinking Liberally early last night. Apparently, she bit off more than she could chew.

Anyone got 3-0 silk and a needle. I really miss my penis.

JerkCade September 14, 2012 at 9:25 am

More windowpane?

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

Did you look down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street? I saw some penis's (penii?) for sale down there the other day.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

King Missile FTW!

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:32 am

Fair trade in the name of journalism, i guess…

Steverino247 September 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

Sounds more like rough trade!

eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 9:39 am

Too many sideways pictures.

SaintNixon September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

Oh noes! Did she get all broked in Philadelphia?

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

I would think the toll of spending three weeks living from a suitcase would crack anyone, even someone as resilient and hot beautiful as our Editrix.

NorthStarSpanx September 14, 2012 at 10:02 am

As long as I got mine (my time with her) I'm happy.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Capitalist dog. You hogged her time with ME!

M. Bouffant September 14, 2012 at 3:31 pm

She left the L.A. thingy about 2230. Some people have to get up early & start typing to amuse you Easterners in your weird time zones.

memzilla September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

Let me guess… these are the same wingers of whom 15% believe that Rmoney had "more to do" with killing bin Laden than Obama did, and of whom 47% more "aren't sure."

Would they also be the same group who emails caricatures of Obama as a monkey, and then piously claim not to be racists?

Yeah, thought so…

Baconzgood September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

Scientists are still debating the validity of evolution? Maybe in 1863.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

I made drank that.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

Now they've done it! Ben Stein and Glenn Beck egged on the Christianist hordes into hysterically violent protests, and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group headquarters in Plano Texas was just destroyed with a rocket launcher attack!

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:33 am

As long as it's Texas, I'm OK with it.

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

That is the funniest thing, that it is such a Texan institution and yet, here these people are, shitting on one of the only things we make in this country anymore. Since I already went and admitted my SGT PEPPER Movie guilt to you, I won't talk about HOW FREAKING MUCH of this kidney rot I drink, but, OH MY GOD I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH AND I HAVE ONLY HAD ABOUT 24 OZ OF SUCH SO FAR. WHAT WHAT? AM I YELLING??? SORRY! SORRY! OKAY, I'M GONNA GO JAM OUT NOW…JAAAACK WHERE ARE YOUUUU

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

Diet Barq's with a quarter of a real lime is my patent medicine of choice. It cures gout, shingles, polio, acne, palsy of the male appendage, and dysPepsi.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

Ha! This is hilarious, I knew you'd be rising to this bait!

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

HEY! It's better for you than martinis all the time. Or probably not. At least there you get some sort of vegetable I guess. Okay whatever, lets just go drinking.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:51 am

Oh and hey, my doctor tells me the martinis are way better for me than beer, so, ha, doctors orders is why. Probably as you say, with that olive in there its a complete balanced meal.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

You know I just kid you about hating on jack, but there is one thing I do not like about that boy, and that is that half his songs are about beating on women. "Your Southern Can Is Mine" is downright disturbing.

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

What the hell is wrong with you? That song is hilarious and sometimes you say stuff to show how stupid it is AND IT IS ANOTHER COVER. 1931. It is just how thangs were, ya know? Plus, who wouldn't wanna own a really great ass from down here? Its worked out all right for this girl.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

I would never call it "owning."

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 10:26 am

Huh?? I've got everything he's made, and that's the only song that could be interpreted that way that I know of. I guess all the girls in the girl band he's doing half of his tour with have Stockholm Syndrome.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:54 am

You know I love you but try the Black Keys, huh? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a_426RiwST8
Just stand in awe of that, its the thing to do.

WhatTheHolyHeck September 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Woah, scary prescient timing, dude.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Did Wendy the Snapple Lady escape unharmed?
*anxious*

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

I love this "no proof of evolution," particularly as the proof of evolution is more complete than the proof of the theories of electricity and electromagnetism, yet these asshats are posting on a website.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 9:32 am

Yeah, but its not concrete proof like the proof of Adam and Eve, and the proof of Moses and the Red Sea and the proof of Noah and the flood … etc.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

See attached photo of an evangelical for all the proof you need:
http://www.timeslive.co.za/scitech/2012/09/14/new

reliefsinn September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

Well, that creature looks much too intelligent, and way too self-aware, to be any kind of an evangelical.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

I've been wondering why he looks kinda sad. I think it's because he knows that his forebears are to blame for us.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

He has a face like the Babby Jesus!

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 10:55 am

Looks a good bit smarter than Paul Ryan, non?

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 10:41 am
LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

The question is: Is there proof that Dr Pepper exists? Have we seen his medical degree?

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Indeed, Mr Pibb is holding it in a secure location

eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

Won't anyone think of poor Patio?

sewollef September 14, 2012 at 1:32 pm

The question is: Is there proof that Dr Pepper exists? Have we seen his medical degree?

Bit presumptive on the sex there aren't we LL? You should know that it is Dr Ms. Pepper to you sonny boy.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Bit presumptive on the sex there, aren't we, sewollef? You should know that it is actually MS. LL to you! I haz titties and a vajayjay and everthang. :-)

Goonemeritus September 14, 2012 at 9:53 am

That’s only because electricity and magnetism aren’t real, they are inventions of Satan meant to distract us from Godly steam power.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

It's only real when you can use it to make weapons.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

Dear Amy,
My God can beat up your God and he/she/it doesn’t exist. See if you wrap your narrow little brain around that. Now go find something else to be offended about.
MG

Oblios_Cap September 14, 2012 at 10:08 am

Facts = hating on religion. That's all you need to know.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:23 am

Hello Amy? I'm an old atheist (if you consider 58 old, which you probably do).

Steverino247 September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

So, there's two of us now? There goes the neighborhood!

DCBloom September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

Lots and lots of us old atheists around… wisdom comes with age.

M. Bouffant September 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Three, but I'm hitting 59 next wk.

Preferred Customer September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

I think she meant "there are no immortal atheists." Except for vampires.

viennawoods13 September 14, 2012 at 11:44 am

I think she meant that as atheists approach death, they get scared of hell and find religion. Which is a crock.

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2012 at 10:06 am

Yes, and Bertrand "Why I am not a Christian" Russell lived to be 98.

Dudleydidwrong September 14, 2012 at 11:02 am

When the Old Atheist Army is organized I'll be in the forefront of the battle. I've got nearly twenty years on you, thatsitfortheother1. I'll load, you shoot.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:31 pm

A 78 year old wonketeer? Awesome!

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:25 am

Ricky Parks – "Jesus is so Real"

I thought it was Coca Cola that was the "Real Thing."

ChillBill September 14, 2012 at 9:25 am

Facebook: Planet Of The Apeshits.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 9:26 am

Also, too, Lymon is the FRUIT OF THE DEVIL.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:44 am

But it's so Robert Plant.

Squeeeeeeeezzzze my Lymon…

viennawoods13 September 14, 2012 at 11:45 am

Josh libel!!!

ChillBill September 14, 2012 at 9:27 am

"We didn't evolve from apes!" says the knuckle-dragging Xtian Wingnut.

Misty Malarky September 14, 2012 at 9:27 am

My mother used to say Dr. Pepper smelled like roaches.

Now I know it actually smells like Christian flop sweat.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

How does that work? Does Dr. Pepper smell like some kind of insecticide?

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:27 am

My mother always taught me that I shouldn't laugh at the "intellectually challenged" of the world. Sorry, ma, but I just can't help myself. AHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.

Chow Yun Flat September 14, 2012 at 9:27 am

There are no old atheists

Bertrand Russell died at 98; George Bernard Shaw at 94.

Fuck you.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

What he said.

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2012 at 10:08 am

Once again, I should always read the comments before posting. I just gave Bertrand Russell another 98 years.

Chow Yun Flat September 14, 2012 at 6:07 pm

Well, he deserves every one of those extra years.

Q_R_DeNameland September 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm

No, no, you've got to take a positive view of things, here. What I have learned from Amy is that I am not old after all! Let's examine the logic:

If I am old, then I am not an atheist.
I am an atheist.
A little modus tollens, and you're done!

In addition to being young, I am also "perfect", as Shan has taught me.

No wonder people love Christianity!

Veritas78 September 14, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Christ, however, only lived to 33.

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 9:27 am

I always wondered how the wingnuts make it through the opening credits to "The Big Bang Theory"

Misty Malarky September 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

Moot point.

They can't look at that show any more since that funny man on it turned out to be a Sodomite.

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

Well, back to "Swamp Loggers", and no, I'm not kidding.
http://insidetv.ew.com/2011/12/06/republican-vs-d

Stevola September 14, 2012 at 11:51 am

Dems watch comedies to unwind from work, GOOPs watch people working for the novelty factor

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I have about the same chance with Jim Parsons whether he's straight or gay, so it really didn't affect me much.

SaintNixon September 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

I always wondered how *anyone* makes it through the opening credits to "The Big Bang Theory." THAT
, friends, is a "zinger." (FACT: I have never seen this teevee program.)

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

TMBG Libel.

no_gravity September 14, 2012 at 11:24 am

I think that's BnL Libel.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 11:29 am

I stand corrected. I've only seen BBT a couple of times. *hangs head in geek shame*

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Opening credits?
The very *title* makes them run and hide.

AlterNewt September 14, 2012 at 9:28 am

Hey, on the bright side, now that beliefs and assertions = Facts, wellsir…that means we've got more Facts!

ManchuCandidate September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

Despite Fundamentalist (emphasis on mental–as in crazy) denials they didn't descend from monkeys, they sure know how to fling their shit.

One_who_wanders September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

It is zealots all around. These people would happily attack the Dr. Pepper embassy if they thought they could get away with it. And if it existed.

One_who_wanders September 14, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Of course existence might not actually be required for them.

MLHencken September 14, 2012 at 9:29 am

Dr. Pepper = basically "black cherry" soda.

This means something far worse: Dr. Pepper is all about the buttsechs!

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

Now I know why I like Dr. Pepper so much! Unwittingly buttsex related!

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

What should you plan on wearing if you're going to "fine out in hell"?

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

According to Squirrel Nut Zippers:
"Now the d and the a and the m
And the n and the a
And the t and the i-o-n
Lose your face, lose your name
Then get fitted for a suit of flame"

Misty Malarky September 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

No wonder they used to encourage their customers to 'Try Dr Pepper Hot!'.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

It worked for Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek, and Brendan Fraser. Helped them survive a nuclear war!

Steverino247 September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

Black tie.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

"Eff me" pumps?

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

Elvis White Jump Suit.

JerkCade September 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

Avoid the blue dress as the devil will be wearing that himself.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Totally awesome song.
There used to be a DJ named Dan Ingram on a NY area radio station who was actually witty. He cued up this record, and said, "Shame on you. You should wear a suit and tie like the other devils."

JerkCade September 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I remember Dan Ingram. I used to work in the CBS building ;-)

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Not gasoline longjohns.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I don't know, but I suspect it includes a purple suit, broad-brimmed hat with a feather, and platform shoes.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:38 pm

James O'Keefe libel!

Failed_2_Menace September 14, 2012 at 9:30 am

Of the 23 flavors that make up Dr. Pepper's secret recipe, surely the sweetest must be heresy.

Preferred Customer September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

You know, you're right? I'd been thinking that was blasphemy, but now that you mention it, it definitely has a tarter, more sulfuric tang. Definitely heresy.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 10:48 am

The hint of apostasy really leaves an abomination of an aftertaste, though.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Brimstone is an acquired taste, and not for everybody — like garlic.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:32 am

“If you like Dr Pepper you’re going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost.”

And it will probably be a Dr Pepper delivery truck!!

NorthStarSpanx September 14, 2012 at 10:24 am

This is what happens when you let Jesus take the wheel?

WhatTheHolyHeck September 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

That's actually what the phrase "I'm a Pepper" translates to when you convert it to Mandarin, then Portuguese and then back to English.

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 9:33 am

I'm withholding judgment until I see what Briston and Willow are saying about this on Facebook.

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:34 am

I wonder what these folks would make of "The Far Side."

Preferred Customer September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

Pictures funny. What words mean?

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:29 am

Heh heh, cows. Heh heh.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Cows! Fapfapfapfap…

freakishlywrong September 14, 2012 at 9:34 am

♫Right wing fundies, so misunderstood..♪♫

Toomush_Infer September 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

Two questions:

1): How have these maroons evolved enough to use Facebook?;

2) I've never tried Dr. Pepper with Mont Gaye, but if I should try, would I still use plenty of lime?

Dr., Dr., tell me, please…..

One_who_wanders September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

One time back in college after being dumped I could find nothing to mix with Jack Daniels (for some serious getting bombed) but Dr. Pepper. It worked. I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels, though it probably is notable that I haven't done it since.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:09 pm

"I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels"

One of the columnists on Cracked.com wrote an article about how he combined Pepto Bismol and Scotch, and named it "Potch".

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Toward the end of my drinking, I'd prepare some alka seltzer for my stomach, then put some vodka in it cuz why not.

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

And who the Fuck "friends" Doctor Pepper, jesus, I still feel uncomfortable for "Friending" Beck. (the musician not the chalk-boarder)

viennawoods13 September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

The Scientologist?

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Hell, I'm doing good if I can keep Beck and Jeff Beck straight.

M. Bouffant September 14, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I will rate for DP & Bacardi 151. Mix it right & you'll be dancing on the tables before you crash & burn.

TheGyrus September 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

Dr. Pepper learns that trolling Christians is a great way to drum up publicity.

DullardMRomney September 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

We all know that Jesus is real and Dr. Pepper never even finished medical school.

BigSkullF*ckingDog September 14, 2012 at 9:36 am

Dr. Pepper is one of those elitists with too much education. I don't trust anyone with over a 4th grade education.

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

Fuckin' doctors! They think they know everything.

Mojopo September 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

I did a quick search to find out what The Scientists are still debating (to please their dark master):

1) Mostly they're just debating stuff to waste money. They've created these jobs for themselves and they're getting super rich from government hand-outs.
2) Climate change is one of their favorite inventions. They thought this one would really stick it to oil companies and make them feel bad, and Bzzzzzt! Wrong answer. Everybody knows you can't make oil barons feel bad about anything. Dah!
3) …and when they're not debating, Scientists are farming human babies here in Obama Nation, by abortion, to harvest their body parts.

Science is bad for us! Now if you will please excuse me, I'm going to have Jesus's favorite – Coca-Cola. Every bottle has five pounds of pure, naturally occurring corn syrup and enough caffeine to carrying everyone to the brink of a stroke. As God intended.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Trace amounts of cocaine or GTFO.

Chow Yun Flat September 14, 2012 at 9:37 am

Wingnuts claim the evolution is only a theory which, according to them, puts it on the same level as my "theory" that the Detroit Tigers won't make the post-season this year.

This is why idiots should stick to words of one syllable or fewer since a scientific theory is a In science, a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world that can incorporate facts, laws, inferences, and tested hypotheses. It isn't a hunch, a wild-ass guess or a feeling.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

This is where they cock their heads and look at you in abject confusion like a baffled Bichon Frisé.

rocktonsam September 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

so Jesus isn't a Pepper too?

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

Dr. Pepper should instead be honoring its Waco, Texas heritage in its ads. Perhaps show W choppin' mesquite and then cooling off with a cold Pepper?
Or maybe ATF agents enjoying a cold one after a long day of besieging heretics in their compound??

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm

*snorty laugh insufficienty repressed, escapes through nose*
Yeah, right! That's what's in Dumbass Bush's glass — Dr. Pepper!

johnnyzhivago September 14, 2012 at 9:38 am

Instead of pussyfooting with Facebook these Creationists should grow a pair and storm Dr. Pepper with rocket propelled granades or something. At least capture "Dr. Pepper" and hold him hostage.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

Hm, that's an idea!

glamourdammerung September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

Instead of pussyfooting with Facebook these Creationists should grow a pair and storm Dr. Pepper with rocket propelled granades or something. At least capture "Dr. Pepper" and hold him hostage.

1. Hard to perform attacks if one is morbidly obese.

2. Hard to perform attacks if one is cowardly. It took a good 5-6 teabaggers to stomp a 100 pound or less woman at that Rand Paul event.

thatsitfortheother1 September 14, 2012 at 9:39 am

Much like Jeebus, you either like Dr Pepper or think it sucks.

Peckerwood_Pete September 14, 2012 at 9:39 am

I hate Dr. Pepper because I never got my free soda when Guns N Roses released that piece of shit "Chinese Democracy" in 2008. That's like the only reason I bought it. And on vinyl at that!

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:58 am

And what was up with that horrible album cover? Christ, in the 12 years it took for Axl to release that album, I could have fucking knit something that looked better, and I don't even know how to knit.

Peckerwood_Pete September 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

I could have rubbed feces on a piece of plywood and made a better album cover than that…. ha, can't wait for the follow up album… coming in …. 2045?

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:33 pm

"And what was up with that horrible album cover?"

What's not to like about a closeup picture of spaghetti?
*Googles image*
Oh. I see.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

You have suffered far too much.

ZotMugu September 14, 2012 at 9:40 am

The bad news – YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!
The good news – They serve delicious ice cold Dr. Pepper!

Hey – You’re a pepper, I’m a pepper balh, blah, blah

UW8316154 September 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

Our gal Clydell is the face of the Texas Independent School District, having "studied at" Nordeim High School (Go Pirates!)….

Franknflower September 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Please tell me you didn't look under the skirt, so to speak.

ffredpalakon September 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

Wow. Soda advertising now has more of a factual basis than biology textbooks in Kansas. That's sort of the opposite of that word that implies a progressive development embodied in certain traits reflecting greater intellectual aptitude…what's the word for that again? Let me check that Kansas textbook. Oh, yeah: "magic".

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

"The Holy Spirit."

eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

That was a typo. It actually said "Holy Sprite.'

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 10:33 am

haha

FlownOver September 14, 2012 at 10:07 am

Actually that textbook thing was kinda resolved around here when Dave and Charlie refused to increase our allowance, and now we can't afford textbooks at all. So, prob solved.

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

Keep shockin' that monkey, Science!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bo9riZYUpTw

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

Religious zealots ARE jealous and do try to ape the ape, true.

Oblios_Cap September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

And these people accuse the Mooslims of being intolerant!

weejee September 14, 2012 at 10:04 am

Those Mooslim haters are really cowed.

Poindexter718 September 14, 2012 at 9:42 am

Have these reactionaries even considered the possibility that the Dr. Pepper in the advertisement might represent the Godhead? or the blood of Jebus?

new_pic_for_NEWTer September 14, 2012 at 9:43 am

I believe that I may be able to create a bagger-mind-blowing cognitive dissonance. I'll attempt this by conflating something that is bagger-loved – Elvis, with something that is bagger-hated – evolution. Best of all it's just a Google, copy and paste away:

Everybody in outer space looks like Elvis.
Cause Elvis is a perfect being.
We are all moving in perfect peace and harmony towards Elvisness

Soon all will become Elvis.
Everything everywhere will be Elvis.
Why do you think they call it evolution anyway?
It's really Elvislution!
Elvislution!

Mr Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper ladies and gentlemen

DCBloom September 14, 2012 at 10:08 am

OMG, I love that. Hadn't heard it in years. Thanks for the reminder. Mojo knows what's up!

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:44 am

Hello! Yoo-hooo! Shan Ahmad! Your blathering about Jesus isn't going to fool any of your friends, they know you are a Muslim, and secretly hate you! It's all in the name!!

elviouslyqueer September 14, 2012 at 9:44 am

Joe Hayter (HA!) sez: "I'll have to unlike your page…"

OH NOES! He's going to unlike a Facebook page!111!!!!0!!000!!!11110!101!

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Quick! Fetch my smelling salts!

docterry6973 September 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

Evolution is false because if we descended from apes then God would be an ape. And everyone knows that God is an old white man with white robes, a white beard, and long flowing white hair. And blue eyes, if you look close.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 9:45 am

A Dr Pepper a day keeps the apple away…

StarsUponThars September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am
eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

All this fuss over a soft drink that has a PhD? I don't get it.

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

As my mother constantly told me, a PhD isn't even a real doctor.

GunToting[Redacted] September 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

Actually, having God be a monkey makes a lot of sense, and explains a great deal.

OneDollarJuana September 14, 2012 at 9:47 am

It apparently is no coincidence that Dr. Pepper is as much a real doctor as most evangelists that call themselves "Doctor".

KeepFnThatChicken September 14, 2012 at 9:48 am

If it weren't for the fact that I'm 43, I would buy the fuck out of some Dr. Pepper right now.

ttommyunger September 14, 2012 at 9:49 am

Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk? I say fuck all three. I say this as a daily Bible-Reading unchurched christian. Not better than anyone, worse than most people.

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm

If I make it to your age Tommy, I hope to be at least half the man you are.

ttommyunger September 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm

You are indeed too kind. Thank you.Sent from my iPhone

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Q: Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk?
A: Pepsi.

ttommyunger September 14, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Wow! You really hate Pepsi.Sent from my iPhone

102415 September 15, 2012 at 4:52 am

Pepsi is awful. I would rather drink spit.

ttommyunger September 15, 2012 at 9:02 am

I haven't had a carbonated beverage in 20+ years, so what would I know?Sent from my iPhone

sudsmckenzie September 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

Ironically, you kinda need an opposable thumb to open the can.

Neoyorquino September 14, 2012 at 9:51 am

I am a Christian, and I too hate Dr. Pepper. But only because it tastes like carbonated prune juice.

Pat_Pending September 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm

WOW. I remember saying that back when I was seven! Carbonated prune juice!

metamarcisf September 14, 2012 at 9:54 am

Personally, I see nothing intrinsically wrong with DP.

bobbert September 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm

ISWYDT

iTuna September 14, 2012 at 9:54 am

Dr Pepper originated here in Waco. I'll keep an eye out this weekend to see if anyone's protesting at the museum or old bottling plant.

ChillBill September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

Good thinking. Those Waco religious protests usually don't end well.

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 10:17 am

That would require getting off the sofa.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"Dr Pepper originated here in Waco."

As did Steve Martin:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Martin

ThundercatHo September 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

Anybody knows that real crackers drink Mtn Dew.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 9:56 am

Looking at the ad, the ape discovers a can of Dr Pepper sitting on a rock. Wouldn't the ape's first thought be that the can had an intelligent designer?

BartStarrland September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

10-2-4 is the new 6-6-6

BaldarTFlagass September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

I think I'm going to head on down to the HEB and get me some Dr Pepper and pour it on my flammable Kellogg's Corn Flakes and also use it to dip my rainbow-flavored Oreos!

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I'll get the insulin.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

If humans evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys still drink Dr. Pepper?

Lazy Media September 14, 2012 at 9:58 am

The TRUE outrage should come from paleontologists. Everyone knows that the earliest humanoid primates walked erect just as we do, despite their ape-sized brains. That hunched-over figure in the middle is a LIE and an ABOMINATION against SCIENCE!!!1!11!!

glamourdammerung September 14, 2012 at 9:58 am

So we are watching the Republicans whine about how everyone needs to be "politically correct" AGAIN?

Indiepalin September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

No more DP for me

fuflans September 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

where have YOU been? i haven't seen that much red since the great puma wars of '08.

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 10:41 am

Good to know – stick to straight missionary

Oblios_Cap September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

Place a comment on the website stating that Mormons believe in evolution. Since these people can't research "facts", they'll believe it and sit out the election.

DCBloom September 14, 2012 at 10:12 am

Excellent suggestion!

mrblifil September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

WOW, there are no old atheists? That's because atheists spend all their time planning for all the fucking they have to squeeze in before they croak. If that won't keep you young nothing will.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

Fakakta, you godlesss heathen you!

fuflans September 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

this is OT but i like waking up 'kate middleton topless' as lead story on bbc.

much better than wingtards and romney.

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 10:20 am

"ZOMG, evolution!" versus "ZOMG, a woman has boobs!" as newsworthy, let alone a headline?

I'm not sure either one counts as civilized. What's Le Monde leading with?

eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

She does have a gorgeous ass.

Self-Uploader September 14, 2012 at 10:00 am

When I read stuff like this, it makes me want to evolve into a Canadian.

Oblios_Cap September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

I'll bet they hate synergy, too. It just sounds evil.

Chow Yun Flat September 14, 2012 at 10:01 am

They can have my Dr. Pepper when they pry it from my…hell with it, they can have it now, Dr. Pepper tastes like ass.

weejee September 14, 2012 at 10:03 am

Those Xtains just don't like the fancy-schmancy poker games like Dr. Pepper with 10s, 2s, and 4s being wild.

Misty Malarky September 14, 2012 at 10:09 am

I wonder if Mr. Pibb is OK?

Basically the same thing without the fancy sciency degree.

Guppy September 14, 2012 at 10:10 am

Considering who most of Dr. Pepper's customers are, I expect a retraction and apology before the end of the day.

OneYieldRegular September 14, 2012 at 10:11 am

God being an ape should have been the punch-line of the final film in the "Planet of the Apes" series.

BartStarrland September 14, 2012 at 10:12 am

I thought that one poster was over the top when he said Muslims must be godless because they drink Tab.

C_R_Eature September 14, 2012 at 10:14 am

In Man's Evolution, he's created the cities and the motor traffic rumble.
But give me half a chance and I'll be takin' off my clothes and living in the jungle.

drstrabismus September 14, 2012 at 10:18 am

To balance things out, Dr. Pepper should do one with the Sistine Chapel God handing a soda pop to Adam.

smitallica September 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

"The cool thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."
–Neil DeGrasse Tyson

"The only thing scientists are still 'debating' about evolution is how it failed to weed out this kind of waxen-eyed stupidity long ago."
–Me DeGrasse Myself

Chet Kincaid_ September 14, 2012 at 10:28 am

Unfortunately for Mr. Tyson, Christianists routinely say the same thing, substituting "His Holy Word" for "science".

dennis1943 September 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

Christians should question their own "evolution"………

fuflans September 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

i'm beginning to think facebook hasn't really helped.

el_donaldo September 14, 2012 at 10:25 am

Thanks to Clydell, I now know why my burnt goat offerings haven't been working. God's a monkey. Off to Costco for a shitload of bananas.

cromiller September 14, 2012 at 10:32 am

Today we are all worshipers of the Great Ape God.

oenspiek September 14, 2012 at 10:34 am

Everyone knows that early human evolution was fueled by coffee. Carbonated beverages weren't invented until much later.

But, all seriousness aside, can we discuss electroshock as a treatment option for people threatened by the theology of a soft-drink promotion?

joshleefolsom September 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

Proof? It's there but only if you have two working eyeballs. (One would even do the job.)

Estproph September 14, 2012 at 10:40 am

They're just mad because they were too far off the left side of the picture to be included in the ad.

SharkSandwich September 14, 2012 at 10:45 am

Obama should apologize for Dr. Pepper's exercise of free speech.

YasserArraFeck September 14, 2012 at 10:47 am

So Christianistas, explain why high ranking bishops are called "Primates" – Hmm?

Barrelhse September 14, 2012 at 10:49 am

Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A. His wife died.

DahBoner September 14, 2012 at 11:47 am

Damn! You beat me to that old Texas joke…

lumpenprole September 14, 2012 at 10:52 am

If man evolved from apes, why don't apes drink Dr. Pepper? Where's you're Theory now?

GregComlish September 14, 2012 at 10:58 am

Dr. Pepper and his eponymous PhD are emblematic of the secular liberal academic establishment

fawkedifiknow September 14, 2012 at 10:59 am

But, I'm a doctor. You can believe me.

smitallica September 14, 2012 at 11:00 am

My favorite anti-evolution Jesus Freak argument is "If man evolved from apes, WHY ARE THERE STILL APES?? Huh?? Huh? Checkmate!"

Umm, no, shit-for-brains. We share a common ancestor with apes. Just as you share a common ancestor with me. I just had better ancestors in between.

eggsacklywright September 14, 2012 at 11:04 am

I suggest we consult a real doctor about this. How about Dr. Benway?

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Q. What's Dr. Benway?
A. Oh, about 170 pounds.

finette_ September 14, 2012 at 11:07 am

Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt

You take that back! God made Adam in his image, but Eve was made from leftover Adam and has been nothing but trouble ever since.

LibertyLover September 14, 2012 at 11:10 am

No one has EVER seen Dr Pepper. No one has EVER met Dr Pepper. There is no proof that he exists, and yet people still believe in him; and yet, he creates this sugary sweet soda in his own image. Some people have a cult-like worship of him and call themselves "Peppers" — even going so far as to dance in the streets and wear T-shirts praising his name. It's very clear to me now.

Dr Pepper is God.

clairedammit September 14, 2012 at 11:20 am

I had to go find Clydell on Facebook – yep, she's from Texas. Why am I surrounded by people like this? WHY? Oh, yeah, I live in Texas.

LibrarianX September 14, 2012 at 11:37 am

"That is the theory that I have, and which is mine, and what it is too."
~ Anne Elk

LibrarianX September 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Hello? Monty Python reference..? Hello??

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:58 pm

A brontosaurus is big on one end….

bonghitforjesus September 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

Don't believe in science? Ok. Stop using the gd internet, driving cars, eating preserved and pasteurized food and wearing glasses, using zippers, telephones..

DahBoner September 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

Scientists say 90% of Universe is 'Dark Matter'.

Which drinks all your Dr. Pepper.

BOO YAH

qwerty42 September 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

There is, in certain circles, the thought that there is a debate over evolution. No. There was in the 19th century, but (oddly) it isn't the 19th century any more.

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Well, the debates about Punctuated equilibrium and gradualism took place in the 1970s but since they both are theories within evolution, yeah.

BTWBFDIMHO September 14, 2012 at 11:54 am

Corporations are not monkeys, too!

argyle_sox September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's okay. Someone on their Facebook thread posted a fixed version of the ad for those with delicate sensibilities: http://i.imgur.com/PgIgI.jpg

Pat_Pending September 14, 2012 at 12:02 pm

These are the Mountain Dew people.

barto September 14, 2012 at 12:15 pm

"you may be forgiven or not"

Hedging our bets a little there, are we, Amy?

owhatever September 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor!! God created man (Adam), and only later decided to create woman (a decision he still wonders about) making them from dust bunnies he found beneath his God bed.

thefrontpage September 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

According to an article in this month's issue of Evolution Today, published by The Heritage Foundation, recent scientific studies of early humans from 2 million years ago–obvious evolutionary descendents of current human–show that early cavemen, as well as other similar prehistoric, barbaric early-human evolutionary types, regularly drank a sugary drink made from various herbs, spices, plants, sugar, salt and "other flavors" that was very similar to today's Dr. Pepper. "We think that this very early sugary drink that was consumed regularly by early prehistoric humans was an early, evolutionary type of drink very similar to today's Dr. Pepper," said Wittherton Monfinoilexon IV, the executive director of progressive evolutionary studies at The Heritage Foundation. "This finding shows that early man clearly evolved into today's man, and that sugary drinks evolved with him."

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm

"Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?"

"Things don't exist just because you believe in them! Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!" — Prof. Banjo, "Futurama"

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Ha ha! Wait till all the creationists find out that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has an even worse hell for people who don't believe in evolution. It's a lot like regular hell, only more humid, and also, you have a really bad stomach-ache the whole time.
Because that counts as evidence, right?

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Yeah, but if there's pasta, count me in.

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:36 pm

How can we argue about something as petty as evolution when we should be worshiping together in the glory of God? [...] we are the only perfect creation capable of free will that can serve God.”

"Things I don't understand make me really really uncomfortable; so everybody should shut up about them and talk about the stuff I tell them to, for free will."

natoslug September 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Just wait until these people read the title of C.S. Lewis' "The God in the Duck*." The outrage, comparing god to a witch! Although, considering this would require them to read more than T.V. Guide and Highlights, perhaps this is one moment of outrage that will never be achieved.

*Yes, yes, I know it is dock, not duck. But I first saw it on my ex-wife's bookshelf twenty-something years ago, and misread the title (repeatedly, for a year or so until I finally opened the book), and since then have considered the idea of God in a duck much more interesting than God in a dock.

BTWBFDIMHO September 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm
mosaickmind September 14, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Hey, I drink it because it is made by a doctor!

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I think insane Anglo warlord Ronnie Raygun really didn't know what he was doing when he enlisted the "Christian right" as useful idiots, and gave them a voice in government and public discourse. He might as well have dumped a barrel of Stupid Pills into the water supply.
Of course, he didn't know what he was doing most of the time.

Fun Fact: "Insane Anglo Warlord" is an anagram of "Ronald Wilson Reagan".

anniegetyerfun September 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Do I have to start drinking Dr. Pepper now in solidarity? I don't really like it that much.

BenGleck September 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm

YOU ARE DEAD WRONG WONKETTE!
You said '“Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt”'.

God only made Adam out of dirt. He mnade Eve from Adam's rib.

GET THE STORY STRAIGHT, WONKETTE! OR PERISH IN THE FIRES OF HELL!
OR SOMETHING! AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

thetimchannel September 14, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Ok, I went and liked the page as well as tossing in a bit of necessary blasphemy in the comments section over on Facebook. Enjoy.

ChickTract_Fil_A September 14, 2012 at 4:37 pm

I honestly can't get past half of Shan's post without trailing off. Is it the demons inside me?

MonkeyHamlet September 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm

How pathologically lonely are facebook users who think a commercial product is their “friend?” (Or is it that under Obamacare, Dr. Pepper is their primary care provider?) Do they also think that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben are their real aunt and uncle?

azeyote September 15, 2012 at 3:12 pm

funniest read in a month – although it really missed the real point that we come from ancient aliens – everyone who's anyone knows that. who makes the colas for that – oh man i forgort the colas on the gange i was smokin – sorry stoned again.

TribecaMike September 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm

It is nothing less than a national tragedy that Amy Lilith Gardener wasn't clever enough to end her post with a "Depends" pun.

Sassomatic September 16, 2012 at 12:46 am

Pfft. I bet this "Doctor" Pepper doesn't even have a real science degree.

badgitator September 16, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I'm an old atheist, and I'm at least as real as Amy, who apparently joined facebook last Thursday specifically to post a comment on the Dr. Pepper page, which is totally something a sock puppet would not do.

usuhname September 16, 2012 at 4:08 pm

I really feel like a can of dr pepper after all this hilarity. DAMN YOU MARKETING / NUTTY THEISM!

FakaktaSouth September 14, 2012 at 10:09 am

Dude, I'm taking about ME AND OWNING MY OWN ASS. I like it just fine back there, helping me out day to day. It comes in handy in all kinds of ways.

prommie September 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

Chica, just sayin' that especially when it comes to the very best things in life, and maybe thats why they are the best things, its just true that something can be yours, but that does not mean you own it.

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Great fer sittin"!

NorthStarSpanx September 14, 2012 at 10:39 am

I did, I did. I'm not entirely sorry since I have a crush on her and Limeylizzie, but I was glad to meet you too. I don't take you to be as mean as Editrix said you were.

actor212 September 14, 2012 at 11:06 am

I had to break her in, as I told her.

And then quickly corrected to "had to be broken in"…after she ground me under her spike heel.

She also told you I was seventy. I'm happy to have met you and disavowed any misnotions of my ancienticity.

HistoriCat September 14, 2012 at 11:48 am

Who's a good doggie? You are! Yes you are!

tessiee September 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

*snurgles doggie*
*skritch skritch skritch*

starfanglednut September 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Remember her in the hoodie? Totes adorable!

NorthStarSpanx September 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm

A septuagenarian? No worries, I didn't hear it and I wouldn't have believed it.

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