OUTRAGE!Hello, and welcome to yet another segment on people who have completely lost perspective! Today’s guests are “Christians mad at soda.”

It all started with an advertisement posted on Facebook Thursday afternoon. It was silly, as advertisements for bubbly sugar-water are wont to be, and depicted Dr Pepper turning a primate into a homo sapien with the power of its deliciousness — “the evolution of flavor.”

Did any you viewers home catch it? Did any of you catch the horrible thing?

You got it folks — Dr Pepper said “evolution.”

People got quite mad about this, you see, because evolution is obviously fake, and the people who are outraged over this attack on religious freedom have TAKEN TO THE INTERNET, because they cannot be bothered to get off their couches and storm an embassy.

Let’s get your opinions! Our first caller is Amy. Amy, how do you feel about Dr Pepper?

"Kindness"Thank you Amy! We shall file that under “If you like Dr Pepper you’re going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost.” Who’s next? Shan, you’re on the air!


Good question, Shan! How can Dr Pepper promote evolution?

One could be inclined to think they aren’t, because that would be as silly as a chicken shack taking a stance on gay marriage. Is it possible they are trying to do something else, such as selling pepper soda?

Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?



OK, it appears Shan has disconnected. Next caller!

"Not so."Sound logic, Clydell. Taking a moment to critically analyze evolution should clearly result in coming to the conclusion that it could only be true if God were a monkey. That is definitely the only conclusion to come to at this intellectual juncture, and I think we all learned a little something.

Let’s get one more viewer on the line. Ricky, you’re up!
"Proof."Hm. Well, let’s take one more, because Ricky appears to have had a stroke.

"A shame."Sorry Joe, didn’t quite catch that. There seems to be some static on the line — all we could make out was “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU HOLY BOOK HOLY BOOK.”

In any case, that’s all the time we have for today! We’ll see you next time, when Rep. Louis Gohmert will be on to explain how atheists make people go on movie theater shooting sprees. And remember kids, Jesus drinks Mr. Pibb.

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  • freakishlywrong

    What country do these zealots live in? Where? OFFS.

  • SnarkoMarx

    These people can fool you sometimes by walking upright.

    • Terry

      But not for long. That's why God invented Rascal scooters.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I bet those Geico cavemen commercials really confuse them.

    • LibertyLover

      Some of them even use utensils to eat their food, too.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Reading facebook posts like this make me guilty because I think I have helped myself to more than my fair share of humor in the world and these people are forced to be insufferable assholes because of the humor shortage I have created.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Ah, but you see, xtians can get by with just the tiniest bit of humor in their lives. Nearly none, actually.

      • Grief_Lessons

        Have you read The Divine Comedy? Hardly any yuks at all.

        • OneDollarJuana

          A sense of humor requires a certain level of intelligence, and a certain awareness of the incongruity of life and of one's own beliefs. Religious zealots are clinging so tenaciously to their beliefs they need to shout out any contravening facts. They cannot recognize that any of their beliefs may be a bit silly and indefensible, because that means their whole system of beliefs will crumble. These are desperate people, cornered people, and we all know that the most dangerous animal is a cornered animal. Except for a hungry polar bear.

          • YasserArraFeck

            Polar bear, Schmolar bear – helicopter and a rifle will settle their hash – youbetcha

          • thatsitfortheother1

            "we all know that the most dangerous animal…"

            I submit Candirus (Vandellia).

          • tessiee

            It was my main girl Dorothy Parker who said something to the effect that a sense of humor is necessary to leaven the loaf and keep you from being a self-important jackass.

        • But there is the #1 Rmoney campaign slogan: “Through me you pass into the city of woe.

    • prommie

      But you cannot use up the funny! There is an inexhaustible supply, just like with love and kindness. Half the problem with this world is too many people seem to think it costs something to be fucking nice to people, like they think they are gonna use it all up and have none left. Fuck that, be nice, smile at people, say they look pretty even if they don't, as Bluto said, "it don't cost nothin."

      • FakaktaSouth

        You have GOT to get over this "worrying about weird looking people's feelings" thing. It is not really up to you to lie to all the strange-lings and make them feel better. Unless maybe that really is your calling, and you're the guardian angel for all of the unfortunately faced womens who don't get enough attention.
        HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! Suddenly I am concerned.

        • prommie

          Hey its an H.L. Mencken thing, Mencken redivivus, or so I have been told. What he said was: "If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl."

        • prommie

          No thats not why I wink at you. I don't think I ever have winked at you.

          • FakaktaSouth

            THINK? You don't THINK? STOMP STOMP STOMP. Whatever Gabriel of the Goofy Girls, I'm shaking that ass on outta here. I gotta go do something about my face.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I'm not nice and you can't make me be nice.

        • prommie


          • BigSkullF*ckingDog


          • HistoriCat

            Who's a good doggie? You are! Yes you are!

          • tessiee

            *snurgles doggie*
            *skritch skritch skritch*

          • Remember her in the hoodie? Totes adorable!

      • kingofmeh

        the quality of snark is not strained; it falleth like the gentle craze from bachman.

    • PsycWench

      Not at all, these people are providers of funny.

  • Beetagger

    Jesus loves me like a cool, refreshing soda.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Dr. Pepper isn't even in The Bible! Therefore it was not created by The Creator and therefore it does not exist. Duh, uh. No 'scuse me while I move to Saudi Arabia so I can beat my wife like a good Christian husband.

    • Terry

      By all rights, they should be drinking lots and lots of wine, just like Jesus did.

      • MosesInvests

        Oh, these idiots think that Jesus turned water into grape juice at that wedding in K'far Kanna.

      • Beowoof

        Well I will be doing later this evening, sort of a form of worship. And the more wine I have the less I care about these guys, so its all good.

  • JackDempsey1

    If I understand this correctly, this means Dr. Pepper is the Missing Drink.

    • BaldarTFlagass


      • thatsitfortheother1


    • SoBeach

      Ding ding ding! Winner!

    • sewollef

      Wait, wait…. it's all very well, calling this a winner. But where's the fossil record to prove the drink exists?

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Ha ha…I usually have one Dr. Pepper a day (for health….okay, the caffeine since I don't drink coffee), but today I think I'll have two.

    And if the primate pisses them off, they should dust off some of those old David Naughton 'I'm a Pepper' commercials. Shudder….

    • GlowneyHouse

      Or that movie where David Naughton goes to England and "evolves" into a werewolf. That ain't of God neither!

      • Texan_Bulldog

        Am American Werewolf in London — interesting movie (of course I was only about 16 at the time so everything was interesting and you got to see his nekkid bum!)

        • YasserArraFeck

          Jenny Agutter in the shower – mmmmmm

        • tessiee

          It was one of those rare movies that succeeded at a difficult task — being scary AND funny.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      "And if the primate pisses them off…"

      I thought you meant the Bishop there.

    • OneDollarJuana

      You should have three Dr. Peppers. Remember the old labels? 10, 2, and 4 were on there to remind you when to have one. And remember "hot" Dr. Pepper? They wanted you to actually heat it up on the stove for a changeup.

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        My husband (and now my kids) like to drink hot Dr. Pepper with lemon when they are sick. I had never seen this before we got married and thought my husband was insane. So thanks for sharing that, it's good to know that his insanity is at least based on something external and not just a product of his own delusions.

  • I hated Dr.Pepper before Jesus did. That shit tastes like toothpaste to me.

    • OurHoboSenator

      The water in my elementary school gym's drinking fountains had an aftertaste that was exactly like Dr. Pepper. Eww. Although I guess now I know that was actually because it was HOLY WATER from GOD.

    • kittensdontlie

      As Darwin as my witness, I will drink that peppered swill until all the chicken-eating haters have gone to meet their maker(yes, it's el diablo).

    • tessiee

      Toothpaste? It's prune soda.
      *gestures melodramatically*
      PRUNE SODA!!

      • No, its artificial & natural flavors are cherry based.

  • SorosBot

    No, scientists are not still debating the validity of this theory, no more than they are still debating whether the Earth is round or flat; concrete proof was established long ago, and evolution is proven fact, just because you are a moron who denies proven facts just because some stupid book contradicts the truth doesn't mean the rest of the world has to accommodate your willful ignorance.

    • freakishlywrong

      I wish we could put them all inside a dome and let them live out their alternate reality without it infecting the rest of us.

    • Goonemeritus

      If evolution exists how do you explain the Republican Party Mr. smartypants?

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Lead poisoning?

      • The missing link?

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        That would be devolution.

        Or perhaps decomposition.

        • freddymcmurray

          Jocko Homo to be exact.

        • SorosBot

          Are we not men?

      • tessiee

        Stockholm Syndrome?
        Pandering to the worst in people's instincts?

    • ThundercatHo

      Your post helps to prove my theory that Wonketteers should be in charge of everything, esp. dealing with the xtians.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Well since these morons apparently think Christendom (or in their case, Christendumb) is desirable it makes sense their brains would still be in a Dark Age. The funniest thing is evolution does not take a stance on god, and I do love their arguments. The jury is out on evolution, meanwhile the existence of God is proven because um,, uh….movies? yes, movies! Like the end of the original War of the Worlds when everyone prays in the church the aliens just leave…uh huh, take that, SCIENCE! Evolution is one of the most widely proved sciences that exists so therefore it's bullshit. But remember this is the same crowd who reads about a hate crime against black people and immediately decides the victims made up the crimes themselves. They are the common clay of the West…ya know, morons.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      These also are the same people who maintain with all their might that Dubya found WMD's in Iraq and that war was justified. Even getting beyond the religious stupidity you find a whole bouque of other mongoloid brain scars. Looking at their entire world of stupid it makes sense they'd get incensed at a stupid soda ad that's entire function is to SELL SODA.

    • Neither are they debating climate change, also too.

  • freakishlywrong

    This is one of a million fucking reasons I'm not of Facebook.

    • Whatever

      What you said.

  • In celebrity news, Editrix left the Wonket Drinky Thingie/Warblog on Drinking Liberally early last night. Apparently, she bit off more than she could chew.

    Anyone got 3-0 silk and a needle. I really miss my penis.

    • JerkCade

      More windowpane?

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Did you look down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street? I saw some penis's (penii?) for sale down there the other day.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Fair trade in the name of journalism, i guess…

      • Steverino247

        Sounds more like rough trade!

    • eggsacklywright

      Too many sideways pictures.

    • SaintNixon

      Oh noes! Did she get all broked in Philadelphia?

      • I would think the toll of spending three weeks living from a suitcase would crack anyone, even someone as resilient and hot beautiful as our Editrix.

        • NorthStarSpanx

          As long as I got mine (my time with her) I'm happy.

          • Capitalist dog. You hogged her time with ME!

          • NorthStarSpanx

            I did, I did. I'm not entirely sorry since I have a crush on her and Limeylizzie, but I was glad to meet you too. I don't take you to be as mean as Editrix said you were.

          • I had to break her in, as I told her.

            And then quickly corrected to "had to be broken in"…after she ground me under her spike heel.

            She also told you I was seventy. I'm happy to have met you and disavowed any misnotions of my ancienticity.

          • NorthStarSpanx

            A septuagenarian? No worries, I didn't hear it and I wouldn't have believed it.

    • She left the L.A. thingy about 2230. Some people have to get up early & start typing to amuse you Easterners in your weird time zones.

  • memzilla

    Let me guess… these are the same wingers of whom 15% believe that Rmoney had "more to do" with killing bin Laden than Obama did, and of whom 47% more "aren't sure."

    Would they also be the same group who emails caricatures of Obama as a monkey, and then piously claim not to be racists?

    Yeah, thought so…

  • Baconzgood

    Scientists are still debating the validity of evolution? Maybe in 1863.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I made drank that.

  • Now they've done it! Ben Stein and Glenn Beck egged on the Christianist hordes into hysterically violent protests, and Dr. Pepper Snapple Group headquarters in Plano Texas was just destroyed with a rocket launcher attack!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      As long as it's Texas, I'm OK with it.

    • FakaktaSouth

      That is the funniest thing, that it is such a Texan institution and yet, here these people are, shitting on one of the only things we make in this country anymore. Since I already went and admitted my SGT PEPPER Movie guilt to you, I won't talk about HOW FREAKING MUCH of this kidney rot I drink, but, OH MY GOD I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH AND I HAVE ONLY HAD ABOUT 24 OZ OF SUCH SO FAR. WHAT WHAT? AM I YELLING??? SORRY! SORRY! OKAY, I'M GONNA GO JAM OUT NOW…JAAAACK WHERE ARE YOUUUU

      • Diet Barq's with a quarter of a real lime is my patent medicine of choice. It cures gout, shingles, polio, acne, palsy of the male appendage, and dysPepsi.

      • prommie

        Ha! This is hilarious, I knew you'd be rising to this bait!

        • FakaktaSouth

          HEY! It's better for you than martinis all the time. Or probably not. At least there you get some sort of vegetable I guess. Okay whatever, lets just go drinking.

          • prommie

            Oh and hey, my doctor tells me the martinis are way better for me than beer, so, ha, doctors orders is why. Probably as you say, with that olive in there its a complete balanced meal.

      • prommie

        You know I just kid you about hating on jack, but there is one thing I do not like about that boy, and that is that half his songs are about beating on women. "Your Southern Can Is Mine" is downright disturbing.

        • FakaktaSouth

          What the hell is wrong with you? That song is hilarious and sometimes you say stuff to show how stupid it is AND IT IS ANOTHER COVER. 1931. It is just how thangs were, ya know? Plus, who wouldn't wanna own a really great ass from down here? Its worked out all right for this girl.

          • prommie

            I would never call it "owning."

          • FakaktaSouth

            Dude, I'm taking about ME AND OWNING MY OWN ASS. I like it just fine back there, helping me out day to day. It comes in handy in all kinds of ways.

          • prommie

            Chica, just sayin' that especially when it comes to the very best things in life, and maybe thats why they are the best things, its just true that something can be yours, but that does not mean you own it.

          • Great fer sittin"!

        • Huh?? I've got everything he's made, and that's the only song that could be interpreted that way that I know of. I guess all the girls in the girl band he's doing half of his tour with have Stockholm Syndrome.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck
    • tessiee

      Did Wendy the Snapple Lady escape unharmed?

  • I love this "no proof of evolution," particularly as the proof of evolution is more complete than the proof of the theories of electricity and electromagnetism, yet these asshats are posting on a website.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Yeah, but its not concrete proof like the proof of Adam and Eve, and the proof of Moses and the Red Sea and the proof of Noah and the flood … etc.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      See attached photo of an evangelical for all the proof you need:

    • LibertyLover

      The question is: Is there proof that Dr Pepper exists? Have we seen his medical degree?

      • Indeed, Mr Pibb is holding it in a secure location

        • eggsacklywright

          Won't anyone think of poor Patio?

      • sewollef

        The question is: Is there proof that Dr Pepper exists? Have we seen his medical degree?

        Bit presumptive on the sex there aren't we LL? You should know that it is Dr Ms. Pepper to you sonny boy.

        • LibertyLover

          Bit presumptive on the sex there, aren't we, sewollef? You should know that it is actually MS. LL to you! I haz titties and a vajayjay and everthang. :-)

    • Goonemeritus

      That’s only because electricity and magnetism aren’t real, they are inventions of Satan meant to distract us from Godly steam power.

    • It's only real when you can use it to make weapons.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Dear Amy,
    My God can beat up your God and he/she/it doesn’t exist. See if you wrap your narrow little brain around that. Now go find something else to be offended about.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Facts = hating on religion. That's all you need to know.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    Hello Amy? I'm an old atheist (if you consider 58 old, which you probably do).

    • Steverino247

      So, there's two of us now? There goes the neighborhood!

      • DCBloom

        Lots and lots of us old atheists around… wisdom comes with age.

      • Three, but I'm hitting 59 next wk.

    • Preferred Customer

      I think she meant "there are no immortal atheists." Except for vampires.

      • viennawoods13

        I think she meant that as atheists approach death, they get scared of hell and find religion. Which is a crock.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Yes, and Bertrand "Why I am not a Christian" Russell lived to be 98.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      When the Old Atheist Army is organized I'll be in the forefront of the battle. I've got nearly twenty years on you, thatsitfortheother1. I'll load, you shoot.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Ricky Parks – "Jesus is so Real"

    I thought it was Coca Cola that was the "Real Thing."

  • Facebook: Planet Of The Apeshits.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Also, too, Lymon is the FRUIT OF THE DEVIL.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      But it's so Robert Plant.

      Squeeeeeeeezzzze my Lymon…

    • viennawoods13

      Josh libel!!!

  • "We didn't evolve from apes!" says the knuckle-dragging Xtian Wingnut.

  • Misty Malarky

    My mother used to say Dr. Pepper smelled like roaches.

    Now I know it actually smells like Christian flop sweat.

    • How does that work? Does Dr. Pepper smell like some kind of insecticide?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    My mother always taught me that I shouldn't laugh at the "intellectually challenged" of the world. Sorry, ma, but I just can't help myself. AHAHAHAHAHA! Idiots.

  • There are no old atheists

    Bertrand Russell died at 98; George Bernard Shaw at 94.

    Fuck you.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      What he said.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Once again, I should always read the comments before posting. I just gave Bertrand Russell another 98 years.

      • Well, he deserves every one of those extra years.

    • Q_R_DeNameland

      No, no, you've got to take a positive view of things, here. What I have learned from Amy is that I am not old after all! Let's examine the logic:

      If I am old, then I am not an atheist.
      I am an atheist.
      A little modus tollens, and you're done!

      In addition to being young, I am also "perfect", as Shan has taught me.

      No wonder people love Christianity!

    • Veritas78

      Christ, however, only lived to 33.

  • sudsmckenzie

    I always wondered how the wingnuts make it through the opening credits to "The Big Bang Theory"

    • Misty Malarky

      Moot point.

      They can't look at that show any more since that funny man on it turned out to be a Sodomite.

      • sudsmckenzie

        Well, back to "Swamp Loggers", and no, I'm not kidding.

        • Stevola

          Dems watch comedies to unwind from work, GOOPs watch people working for the novelty factor

      • tessiee

        I have about the same chance with Jim Parsons whether he's straight or gay, so it really didn't affect me much.

    • SaintNixon

      I always wondered how *anyone* makes it through the opening credits to "The Big Bang Theory." THAT
      , friends, is a "zinger." (FACT: I have never seen this teevee program.)

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        TMBG Libel.

        • no_gravity

          I think that's BnL Libel.

          • GunToting[Redacted]

            I stand corrected. I've only seen BBT a couple of times. *hangs head in geek shame*

    • tessiee

      Opening credits?
      The very *title* makes them run and hide.

  • AlterNewt

    Hey, on the bright side, now that beliefs and assertions = Facts, wellsir…that means we've got more Facts!

  • Despite Fundamentalist (emphasis on mental–as in crazy) denials they didn't descend from monkeys, they sure know how to fling their shit.

  • One_who_wanders

    It is zealots all around. These people would happily attack the Dr. Pepper embassy if they thought they could get away with it. And if it existed.

    • One_who_wanders

      Of course existence might not actually be required for them.

  • Dr. Pepper = basically "black cherry" soda.

    This means something far worse: Dr. Pepper is all about the buttsechs!

    • prommie

      Now I know why I like Dr. Pepper so much! Unwittingly buttsex related!

  • UW8316154

    What should you plan on wearing if you're going to "fine out in hell"?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      According to Squirrel Nut Zippers:
      "Now the d and the a and the m
      And the n and the a
      And the t and the i-o-n
      Lose your face, lose your name
      Then get fitted for a suit of flame"

    • Misty Malarky

      No wonder they used to encourage their customers to 'Try Dr Pepper Hot!'.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It worked for Christopher Walken, Sissy Spacek, and Brendan Fraser. Helped them survive a nuclear war!

    • Steverino247

      Black tie.

    • LibertyLover

      "Eff me" pumps?

    • sudsmckenzie

      Elvis White Jump Suit.

    • JerkCade

      Avoid the blue dress as the devil will be wearing that himself.

      • tessiee

        Totally awesome song.
        There used to be a DJ named Dan Ingram on a NY area radio station who was actually witty. He cued up this record, and said, "Shame on you. You should wear a suit and tie like the other devils."

        • JerkCade

          I remember Dan Ingram. I used to work in the CBS building ;-)

    • tessiee

      Not gasoline longjohns.

    • tessiee

      I don't know, but I suspect it includes a purple suit, broad-brimmed hat with a feather, and platform shoes.

  • Failed_2_Menace

    Of the 23 flavors that make up Dr. Pepper's secret recipe, surely the sweetest must be heresy.

    • Preferred Customer

      You know, you're right? I'd been thinking that was blasphemy, but now that you mention it, it definitely has a tarter, more sulfuric tang. Definitely heresy.

      • The hint of apostasy really leaves an abomination of an aftertaste, though.

        • tessiee

          Brimstone is an acquired taste, and not for everybody — like garlic.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “If you like Dr Pepper you’re going to get hit by a truck driven by the Holy Ghost.”

    And it will probably be a Dr Pepper delivery truck!!

    • NorthStarSpanx

      This is what happens when you let Jesus take the wheel?

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      That's actually what the phrase "I'm a Pepper" translates to when you convert it to Mandarin, then Portuguese and then back to English.

  • UW8316154

    I'm withholding judgment until I see what Briston and Willow are saying about this on Facebook.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I wonder what these folks would make of "The Far Side."

    • Preferred Customer

      Pictures funny. What words mean?

  • freakishlywrong

    ♫Right wing fundies, so misunderstood..♪♫

  • Toomush_Infer

    Two questions:

    1): How have these maroons evolved enough to use Facebook?;

    2) I've never tried Dr. Pepper with Mont Gaye, but if I should try, would I still use plenty of lime?

    Dr., Dr., tell me, please…..

    • One_who_wanders

      One time back in college after being dumped I could find nothing to mix with Jack Daniels (for some serious getting bombed) but Dr. Pepper. It worked. I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels, though it probably is notable that I haven't done it since.

      • tessiee

        "I was torn between calling it Jack Pepper or Dr. Daniels"

        One of the columnists on wrote an article about how he combined Pepto Bismol and Scotch, and named it "Potch".

        • Toward the end of my drinking, I'd prepare some alka seltzer for my stomach, then put some vodka in it cuz why not.

    • sudsmckenzie

      And who the Fuck "friends" Doctor Pepper, jesus, I still feel uncomfortable for "Friending" Beck. (the musician not the chalk-boarder)

      • viennawoods13

        The Scientologist?

      • tessiee

        Hell, I'm doing good if I can keep Beck and Jeff Beck straight.

    • I will rate for DP & Bacardi 151. Mix it right & you'll be dancing on the tables before you crash & burn.

  • TheGyrus

    Dr. Pepper learns that trolling Christians is a great way to drum up publicity.

  • DullardMRomney

    We all know that Jesus is real and Dr. Pepper never even finished medical school.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Dr. Pepper is one of those elitists with too much education. I don't trust anyone with over a 4th grade education.

    • UW8316154

      Fuckin' doctors! They think they know everything.

  • Mojopo

    I did a quick search to find out what The Scientists are still debating (to please their dark master):

    1) Mostly they're just debating stuff to waste money. They've created these jobs for themselves and they're getting super rich from government hand-outs.
    2) Climate change is one of their favorite inventions. They thought this one would really stick it to oil companies and make them feel bad, and Bzzzzzt! Wrong answer. Everybody knows you can't make oil barons feel bad about anything. Dah!
    3) …and when they're not debating, Scientists are farming human babies here in Obama Nation, by abortion, to harvest their body parts.

    Science is bad for us! Now if you will please excuse me, I'm going to have Jesus's favorite – Coca-Cola. Every bottle has five pounds of pure, naturally occurring corn syrup and enough caffeine to carrying everyone to the brink of a stroke. As God intended.

    • tessiee

      Trace amounts of cocaine or GTFO.

  • Wingnuts claim the evolution is only a theory which, according to them, puts it on the same level as my "theory" that the Detroit Tigers won't make the post-season this year.

    This is why idiots should stick to words of one syllable or fewer since a scientific theory is a In science, a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world that can incorporate facts, laws, inferences, and tested hypotheses. It isn't a hunch, a wild-ass guess or a feeling.

    • This is where they cock their heads and look at you in abject confusion like a baffled Bichon Frisé.

  • rocktonsam

    so Jesus isn't a Pepper too?

  • Poindexter718

    Dr. Pepper should instead be honoring its Waco, Texas heritage in its ads. Perhaps show W choppin' mesquite and then cooling off with a cold Pepper?
    Or maybe ATF agents enjoying a cold one after a long day of besieging heretics in their compound??

    • tessiee

      *snorty laugh insufficienty repressed, escapes through nose*
      Yeah, right! That's what's in Dumbass Bush's glass — Dr. Pepper!

  • Instead of pussyfooting with Facebook these Creationists should grow a pair and storm Dr. Pepper with rocket propelled granades or something. At least capture "Dr. Pepper" and hold him hostage.

    • Hm, that's an idea!

    • glamourdammerung

      Instead of pussyfooting with Facebook these Creationists should grow a pair and storm Dr. Pepper with rocket propelled granades or something. At least capture "Dr. Pepper" and hold him hostage.

      1. Hard to perform attacks if one is morbidly obese.

      2. Hard to perform attacks if one is cowardly. It took a good 5-6 teabaggers to stomp a 100 pound or less woman at that Rand Paul event.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    Much like Jeebus, you either like Dr Pepper or think it sucks.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    I hate Dr. Pepper because I never got my free soda when Guns N Roses released that piece of shit "Chinese Democracy" in 2008. That's like the only reason I bought it. And on vinyl at that!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And what was up with that horrible album cover? Christ, in the 12 years it took for Axl to release that album, I could have fucking knit something that looked better, and I don't even know how to knit.

      • Peckerwood_Pete

        I could have rubbed feces on a piece of plywood and made a better album cover than that…. ha, can't wait for the follow up album… coming in …. 2045?

      • tessiee

        "And what was up with that horrible album cover?"

        What's not to like about a closeup picture of spaghetti?
        *Googles image*
        Oh. I see.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      You have suffered far too much.

  • ZotMugu

    The bad news – YOU’RE GOING TO HELL!
    The good news – They serve delicious ice cold Dr. Pepper!

    Hey – You’re a pepper, I’m a pepper balh, blah, blah

  • UW8316154

    Our gal Clydell is the face of the Texas Independent School District, having "studied at" Nordeim High School (Go Pirates!)….

    • Franknflower

      Please tell me you didn't look under the skirt, so to speak.

  • Wow. Soda advertising now has more of a factual basis than biology textbooks in Kansas. That's sort of the opposite of that word that implies a progressive development embodied in certain traits reflecting greater intellectual aptitude…what's the word for that again? Let me check that Kansas textbook. Oh, yeah: "magic".

    • "The Holy Spirit."

      • eggsacklywright

        That was a typo. It actually said "Holy Sprite.'

    • Actually that textbook thing was kinda resolved around here when Dave and Charlie refused to increase our allowance, and now we can't afford textbooks at all. So, prob solved.

  • Keep shockin' that monkey, Science!

    • Religious zealots ARE jealous and do try to ape the ape, true.

  • Oblios_Cap

    And these people accuse the Mooslims of being intolerant!

    • Those Mooslim haters are really cowed.

  • Poindexter718

    Have these reactionaries even considered the possibility that the Dr. Pepper in the advertisement might represent the Godhead? or the blood of Jebus?

  • new_pic_for_NEWTer

    I believe that I may be able to create a bagger-mind-blowing cognitive dissonance. I'll attempt this by conflating something that is bagger-loved – Elvis, with something that is bagger-hated – evolution. Best of all it's just a Google, copy and paste away:

    Everybody in outer space looks like Elvis.
    Cause Elvis is a perfect being.
    We are all moving in perfect peace and harmony towards Elvisness

    Soon all will become Elvis.
    Everything everywhere will be Elvis.
    Why do you think they call it evolution anyway?
    It's really Elvislution!

    Mr Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper ladies and gentlemen

    • DCBloom

      OMG, I love that. Hadn't heard it in years. Thanks for the reminder. Mojo knows what's up!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hello! Yoo-hooo! Shan Ahmad! Your blathering about Jesus isn't going to fool any of your friends, they know you are a Muslim, and secretly hate you! It's all in the name!!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Joe Hayter (HA!) sez: "I'll have to unlike your page…"

    OH NOES! He's going to unlike a Facebook page!111!!!!0!!000!!!11110!101!

  • docterry6973

    Evolution is false because if we descended from apes then God would be an ape. And everyone knows that God is an old white man with white robes, a white beard, and long flowing white hair. And blue eyes, if you look close.

  • LibertyLover

    A Dr Pepper a day keeps the apple away…

  • StarsUponThars
  • eggsacklywright

    All this fuss over a soft drink that has a PhD? I don't get it.

    • YasserArraFeck

      As my mother constantly told me, a PhD isn't even a real doctor.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Actually, having God be a monkey makes a lot of sense, and explains a great deal.

  • OneDollarJuana

    It apparently is no coincidence that Dr. Pepper is as much a real doctor as most evangelists that call themselves "Doctor".

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    If it weren't for the fact that I'm 43, I would buy the fuck out of some Dr. Pepper right now.

  • ttommyunger

    Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk? I say fuck all three. I say this as a daily Bible-Reading unchurched christian. Not better than anyone, worse than most people.

    • HistoriCat

      If I make it to your age Tommy, I hope to be at least half the man you are.

      • ttommyunger

        You are indeed too kind. Thank you.Sent from my iPhone

    • tessiee

      Q: Now this is a conundrum: which is more distasteful, Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper or 99.999% of Church Folk?
      A: Pepsi.

      • ttommyunger

        Wow! You really hate Pepsi.Sent from my iPhone

        • 102415

          Pepsi is awful. I would rather drink spit.

          • ttommyunger

            I haven't had a carbonated beverage in 20+ years, so what would I know?Sent from my iPhone

  • sudsmckenzie

    Ironically, you kinda need an opposable thumb to open the can.

  • Neoyorquino

    I am a Christian, and I too hate Dr. Pepper. But only because it tastes like carbonated prune juice.

    • Pat_Pending

      WOW. I remember saying that back when I was seven! Carbonated prune juice!

  • metamarcisf

    Personally, I see nothing intrinsically wrong with DP.

    • bobbert


  • iTuna

    Dr Pepper originated here in Waco. I'll keep an eye out this weekend to see if anyone's protesting at the museum or old bottling plant.

  • ThundercatHo

    Anybody knows that real crackers drink Mtn Dew.

  • LibertyLover

    Looking at the ad, the ape discovers a can of Dr Pepper sitting on a rock. Wouldn't the ape's first thought be that the can had an intelligent designer?

  • BartStarrland

    10-2-4 is the new 6-6-6

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I think I'm going to head on down to the HEB and get me some Dr Pepper and pour it on my flammable Kellogg's Corn Flakes and also use it to dip my rainbow-flavored Oreos!

  • Charlie_Foxtrot

    If humans evolved from monkeys, why do monkeys still drink Dr. Pepper?

  • Lazy Media

    The TRUE outrage should come from paleontologists. Everyone knows that the earliest humanoid primates walked erect just as we do, despite their ape-sized brains. That hunched-over figure in the middle is a LIE and an ABOMINATION against SCIENCE!!!1!11!!

  • glamourdammerung

    So we are watching the Republicans whine about how everyone needs to be "politically correct" AGAIN?

  • Indiepalin

    No more DP for me

    • where have YOU been? i haven't seen that much red since the great puma wars of '08.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Good to know – stick to straight missionary

  • Oblios_Cap

    Place a comment on the website stating that Mormons believe in evolution. Since these people can't research "facts", they'll believe it and sit out the election.

    • DCBloom

      Excellent suggestion!

  • WOW, there are no old atheists? That's because atheists spend all their time planning for all the fucking they have to squeeze in before they croak. If that won't keep you young nothing will.

  • prommie

    Fakakta, you godlesss heathen you!

  • this is OT but i like waking up 'kate middleton topless' as lead story on bbc.

    much better than wingtards and romney.

    • Guppy

      "ZOMG, evolution!" versus "ZOMG, a woman has boobs!" as newsworthy, let alone a headline?

      I'm not sure either one counts as civilized. What's Le Monde leading with?

    • eggsacklywright

      She does have a gorgeous ass.

  • When I read stuff like this, it makes me want to evolve into a Canadian.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'll bet they hate synergy, too. It just sounds evil.

  • They can have my Dr. Pepper when they pry it from my…hell with it, they can have it now, Dr. Pepper tastes like ass.

  • Those Xtains just don't like the fancy-schmancy poker games like Dr. Pepper with 10s, 2s, and 4s being wild.

  • Misty Malarky

    I wonder if Mr. Pibb is OK?

    Basically the same thing without the fancy sciency degree.

  • Guppy

    Considering who most of Dr. Pepper's customers are, I expect a retraction and apology before the end of the day.

  • OneYieldRegular

    God being an ape should have been the punch-line of the final film in the "Planet of the Apes" series.

  • BartStarrland

    I thought that one poster was over the top when he said Muslims must be godless because they drink Tab.

  • C_R_Eature

    In Man's Evolution, he's created the cities and the motor traffic rumble.
    But give me half a chance and I'll be takin' off my clothes and living in the jungle.

  • drstrabismus

    To balance things out, Dr. Pepper should do one with the Sistine Chapel God handing a soda pop to Adam.

  • smitallica

    "The cool thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."
    –Neil DeGrasse Tyson

    "The only thing scientists are still 'debating' about evolution is how it failed to weed out this kind of waxen-eyed stupidity long ago."
    –Me DeGrasse Myself

    • Unfortunately for Mr. Tyson, Christianists routinely say the same thing, substituting "His Holy Word" for "science".

  • dennis1943

    Christians should question their own "evolution"………

  • i'm beginning to think facebook hasn't really helped.

  • el_donaldo

    Thanks to Clydell, I now know why my burnt goat offerings haven't been working. God's a monkey. Off to Costco for a shitload of bananas.

  • cromiller

    Today we are all worshipers of the Great Ape God.

  • oenspiek

    Everyone knows that early human evolution was fueled by coffee. Carbonated beverages weren't invented until much later.

    But, all seriousness aside, can we discuss electroshock as a treatment option for people threatened by the theology of a soft-drink promotion?

  • joshleefolsom

    Proof? It's there but only if you have two working eyeballs. (One would even do the job.)

  • Estproph

    They're just mad because they were too far off the left side of the picture to be included in the ad.

  • SharkSandwich

    Obama should apologize for Dr. Pepper's exercise of free speech.

  • YasserArraFeck

    So Christianistas, explain why high ranking bishops are called "Primates" – Hmm?

  • Barrelhse

    Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
    A. His wife died.

    • DahBoner

      Damn! You beat me to that old Texas joke…

  • lumpenprole

    If man evolved from apes, why don't apes drink Dr. Pepper? Where's you're Theory now?

  • GregComlish

    Dr. Pepper and his eponymous PhD are emblematic of the secular liberal academic establishment

  • fawkedifiknow

    But, I'm a doctor. You can believe me.

  • smitallica

    My favorite anti-evolution Jesus Freak argument is "If man evolved from apes, WHY ARE THERE STILL APES?? Huh?? Huh? Checkmate!"

    Umm, no, shit-for-brains. We share a common ancestor with apes. Just as you share a common ancestor with me. I just had better ancestors in between.

  • eggsacklywright

    I suggest we consult a real doctor about this. How about Dr. Benway?

    • tessiee

      Q. What's Dr. Benway?
      A. Oh, about 170 pounds.

  • finette_

    Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt

    You take that back! God made Adam in his image, but Eve was made from leftover Adam and has been nothing but trouble ever since.

  • LibertyLover

    No one has EVER seen Dr Pepper. No one has EVER met Dr Pepper. There is no proof that he exists, and yet people still believe in him; and yet, he creates this sugary sweet soda in his own image. Some people have a cult-like worship of him and call themselves "Peppers" — even going so far as to dance in the streets and wear T-shirts praising his name. It's very clear to me now.

    Dr Pepper is God.

  • clairedammit

    I had to go find Clydell on Facebook – yep, she's from Texas. Why am I surrounded by people like this? WHY? Oh, yeah, I live in Texas.

  • LibrarianX

    "That is the theory that I have, and which is mine, and what it is too."
    ~ Anne Elk

    • LibrarianX

      Hello? Monty Python reference..? Hello??

  • bonghitforjesus

    Don't believe in science? Ok. Stop using the gd internet, driving cars, eating preserved and pasteurized food and wearing glasses, using zippers, telephones..

  • DahBoner

    Scientists say 90% of Universe is 'Dark Matter'.

    Which drinks all your Dr. Pepper.


  • qwerty42

    There is, in certain circles, the thought that there is a debate over evolution. No. There was in the 19th century, but (oddly) it isn't the 19th century any more.


    Corporations are not monkeys, too!

  • argyle_sox

    It's okay. Someone on their Facebook thread posted a fixed version of the ad for those with delicate sensibilities:

  • Pat_Pending

    These are the Mountain Dew people.

  • barto

    "you may be forgiven or not"

    Hedging our bets a little there, are we, Amy?

  • owhatever

    Dr. Pepper is not a real doctor!! God created man (Adam), and only later decided to create woman (a decision he still wonders about) making them from dust bunnies he found beneath his God bed.

  • thefrontpage

    According to an article in this month's issue of Evolution Today, published by The Heritage Foundation, recent scientific studies of early humans from 2 million years ago–obvious evolutionary descendents of current human–show that early cavemen, as well as other similar prehistoric, barbaric early-human evolutionary types, regularly drank a sugary drink made from various herbs, spices, plants, sugar, salt and "other flavors" that was very similar to today's Dr. Pepper. "We think that this very early sugary drink that was consumed regularly by early prehistoric humans was an early, evolutionary type of drink very similar to today's Dr. Pepper," said Wittherton Monfinoilexon IV, the executive director of progressive evolutionary studies at The Heritage Foundation. "This finding shows that early man clearly evolved into today's man, and that sugary drinks evolved with him."

  • tessiee

    "Also, Shan, why do you cite a lack of “concrete proof” for evolution but “Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt” requires no citation?"

    "Things don't exist just because you believe in them! Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky!" — Prof. Banjo, "Futurama"

  • tessiee

    Ha ha! Wait till all the creationists find out that the Flying Spaghetti Monster has an even worse hell for people who don't believe in evolution. It's a lot like regular hell, only more humid, and also, you have a really bad stomach-ache the whole time.
    Because that counts as evidence, right?

  • tessiee

    How can we argue about something as petty as evolution when we should be worshiping together in the glory of God? […] we are the only perfect creation capable of free will that can serve God.”

    "Things I don't understand make me really really uncomfortable; so everybody should shut up about them and talk about the stuff I tell them to, for free will."

  • Just wait until these people read the title of C.S. Lewis' "The God in the Duck*." The outrage, comparing god to a witch! Although, considering this would require them to read more than T.V. Guide and Highlights, perhaps this is one moment of outrage that will never be achieved.

    *Yes, yes, I know it is dock, not duck. But I first saw it on my ex-wife's bookshelf twenty-something years ago, and misread the title (repeatedly, for a year or so until I finally opened the book), and since then have considered the idea of God in a duck much more interesting than God in a dock.

  • mosaickmind

    Hey, I drink it because it is made by a doctor!

  • tessiee

    I think insane Anglo warlord Ronnie Raygun really didn't know what he was doing when he enlisted the "Christian right" as useful idiots, and gave them a voice in government and public discourse. He might as well have dumped a barrel of Stupid Pills into the water supply.
    Of course, he didn't know what he was doing most of the time.

    Fun Fact: "Insane Anglo Warlord" is an anagram of "Ronald Wilson Reagan".

  • anniegetyerfun

    Do I have to start drinking Dr. Pepper now in solidarity? I don't really like it that much.

  • BenGleck

    You said '“Invisible Skyking made two people out of dirt”'.

    God only made Adam out of dirt. He mnade Eve from Adam's rib.


  • Ok, I went and liked the page as well as tossing in a bit of necessary blasphemy in the comments section over on Facebook. Enjoy.

  • ChickTract_Fil_A

    I honestly can't get past half of Shan's post without trailing off. Is it the demons inside me?

  • MonkeyHamlet

    How pathologically lonely are facebook users who think a commercial product is their “friend?” (Or is it that under Obamacare, Dr. Pepper is their primary care provider?) Do they also think that Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben are their real aunt and uncle?

  • azeyote

    funniest read in a month – although it really missed the real point that we come from ancient aliens – everyone who's anyone knows that. who makes the colas for that – oh man i forgort the colas on the gange i was smokin – sorry stoned again.

  • TribecaMike

    It is nothing less than a national tragedy that Amy Lilith Gardener wasn't clever enough to end her post with a "Depends" pun.

  • Sassomatic

    Pfft. I bet this "Doctor" Pepper doesn't even have a real science degree.

  • badgitator

    I'm an old atheist, and I'm at least as real as Amy, who apparently joined facebook last Thursday specifically to post a comment on the Dr. Pepper page, which is totally something a sock puppet would not do.

  • usuhname

    I really feel like a can of dr pepper after all this hilarity. DAMN YOU MARKETING / NUTTY THEISM!

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