Department of Damage Control & Turd Polishing

Romney Camp’s Crisis Management Tip: Things And Their Opposites Can Both Be True

We didn't start the fireFaced with criticism for his amateurish reaction to the mob attacks on diplomats in Libya and Egypt, Mitt Romney’s campaign has been quietly asking Republicans to pretty please say something nice about him if they’re asked, or at least maybe they could deflect the question by explaining that this is all Obama’s fault, duh. CNN obtained a copy of the Romney campaign’s suggested talking points, which include sample questions and answers like these gems:

“Did Governor Romney ‘jump the gun’ last night in releasing his statement?”

“No. It is never too soon to stand up for American values and interests.”

Unlike some of the early attacks on the President yesterday, the memo at least remembers to start off by mentioning “the four American patriots who lost their lives in yesterday’s attacks” and goes on to insist, despite the mixed messages being sent by Romney’s political interference in a developing foreign crisis, that “America cannot send mixed signals to either our allies or our enemies.”

The best bits (if by “best” you mean “most transparently attempting to shift the focus away from Romney’s colossal boneheadedness” — which we do) are to be found in the suggested Q & A replies:

Don’t you think it was appropriate for the embassy to condemn the controversial movie in question? Are you standing up for movies like this?

– Governor Romney rejects the reported message of the movie. There is no room for religious hatred or intolerance.

– But we will not apologize for our constitutional right to freedom of speech.

– Storming U.S. missions and committing acts of violence is never acceptable, no matter the reason. Any response that does not immediately and decisively make that clear conveys weakness.

– If pressed: Governor Romney repudiated this individual in 2010 when he attempted to mobilize a Quran-burning movement. He is firmly against any expression of religious hatred or intolerance.

Nice that the repudiation of religious intolerance is saved for a last-ditch answer there. Notice that the first part of the question is carefully sidestepped. Notice also that, despite the clearer picture we’re beginning to have of the people behind the film, the talking points address only Terry Jones, who it now turns out wasn’t directly involved in its production (Jones was trying to promote it in the US — and was thoroughly ignored here).

Reports indicate the embassy in Cairo released its initial statement before the invasion of the embassy commenced. Doesn’t this show they were trying to tamp down the protest and prevent what ultimately happened, not sympathize with the protesters?

– The Administration was wrong to stand by a statement sympathizing with those who had breached our embassy in Egypt instead of condemning their actions.

– Distancing themselves from the statement and saying it wasn’t ‘cleared by Washington’ reflects the mixed signals they are sending to the world.

– American leadership needs to be decisive and resolute when our interests are threatened or attacked. For the last four years, this has been lacking.

– We have seen a foreign policy of weakness, indecision, and a decline in American influence and respect – and yesterday we saw the consequences.

– If pressed: The Obama campaign is now attacking Governor Romney for being critical of the same statement the Administration itself disavowed. This is hypocritical.

They were wrong to stand by the statement AND to disavow it, and since they disavowed it, how dare THEY attack us for attacking THEM for apologizing for America! Got it: Obama needs to adopt the consistency and resolute refusal to change positions that has characterized Mitt Romney’s entire political career.

tl;dr version: “Dear Republicans: Here’s how to manage the idiotic thing I said. Don’t mention I was an idiot. Obama’s the idiot, and he’s weak. Enemies foreign and domestic. USA! USA! USA!”

Update: About that “wrong to stand by the statement” and “also wrong to disavow the statement” thing: See also the outstanding comment by James Michael Curley,* which points out that the only “distancing’ or “disavowal” of the Cairo Embassy statement appears to be a Politico story quoting an unnamed “administration official;” if there are any official statements stepping back from the Cairo Embassy statement, we haven’t seen them, and we’d note that the administration has repeatedly condemned attempts to incite anti-muslim sentiments.

*(1st page of comments, about 29 comments down, in reply to TheGyrus — in case the link is as screwy as links to individual comments often are).


About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I'm going to issue a ruling here to be objective and because I want to…all the best words for "dumbass" sound best when spoken by French or Italian women. Because when a French woman or an Italian woman calls you a "dumbass" it sounds much more sexy and erotic than insulting…which also plays into the ya know…idiotic American reputation. But to break the tie…that's my ruling.

  1. actor212

    Notice also that, despite the clearer picture we’re beginning to have of the people behind the film, the talking points address only Terry Jones, who it now turns out wasn’t directly involved in its production

    I said it yesterday, and I'll say it again: I bet that when the dust settles, this "Bacile" person is found out to be a bundler for Romney or a SuperPAC

      1. Lot_49

        That (Romney's disqualifying fuckup) isn't what the American people want to talk about. They want to talk about jobs, government regulation, how soon we can get rid of Obamacare, and why my son's still over in the sandbox dodging IEDs and RPGs fired by our putative allies.

        No, wait, strike that last one. How'd that get on the list?

      2. miss_grundy

        It appears that the film's promoter is an insurance agent by the name of Steve Klein according to an article on Yahoo:

        The public face for the anti-Muslim film inflaming the Middle East is not the filmmaker, but an insurance agent and Vietnam War veteran whose unabashed and outspoken hatred of radical Muslims has drawn the attention of civil libertarians, who say he's a hate monger.

        With the Coptic Christian filmmaker Nakoula Basseley Nakoula in hiding, film promoter Steve Klein has taken center stage in the unfolding international drama. He's given a stream of interviews about the film and the man he says he knew only as Sam Bacile, and is using the attention to talk about his own political views.

        Nakoula, who used Bacile spelled multiple ways as a pseudonym, contacted Klein months ago for advice about the limits of American free speech and asked for help vetting the movie's script, Klein said in an interview with The Associated Press. The filmmaker asked the 61-year-old grandfather if he would act as a spokesman if the film "caught on," and he agreed.

    1. anniegetyerfun

      Is it too much to hope that, if the Republicans had had the foresight to try to start WWIII with teh muzlins over a film, they would have prepared better statements? I mean, knowing that it was coming and all?

    2. valgal2342

      Karl Rove. Too easy. Remember that bloody awful video that came out on the Thursday before the election in 2004 of some "islamic dude" ranting nonsensical threats right into a cheap video camera? Seriously, if we saw that video again today we would laugh our asses off, as I did in 2004 because it was such a fucking bad acting job and terrible video, but it scared the shit out people at the time….well, I do believe we found out later……Karl Rove was behind it.

  2. SmutBoffin

    Top notch analysis, Doc. I love to watch Romney and his campaign team of clowns squirm under the weight of their hypermassive and idiotic ideology.

  3. Callyson

    Notice also, too, that the comments completely ignore the fact that the comments against which Mittens railed were stated BEFORE THE FUCKING ATTACK. And that they were NOT AUTHORIZED BY THE WHITE HOUSE.

    Which means that Obama's first reaction to the attack was not to "apologize for America" as Mittens claims.

    Which means that Mittens is a fucking liar.


    1. anniegetyerfun

      What I find amazing is that these wingnuts seem to think that every statement ever issued by an embassy is proofread by the President first.

      1. NellCote71

        If Obama had only attended the daily briefings instead of playing golf 24/7, this never would have happened.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Ah, but you see, if the Embassy spoke without authorization, then that proves Obama is weak and not in control of foreign policy.

      If Obama says they spoke without authorization, of course, he's failing to back up his diplomats.


  4. FakaktaSouth

    He is firmly against any expression of religious hatred or intolerance.

    Unless you want to fire a really sensitive gay dude, then, by all means, for Missouri Jesus, do it.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Missouri Jesus is hella talented since he turned all the Native Americans into black people, (but still we had Indians?) so he's better at parties. Arizona Jesus…is worried about getting deported.

          1. prommie

            See, its not really a bathtub, but it looks like a bathtub with the inside painted blue, so we say that for the Lulz. They are nearly mandatory in New Jersey. Its time you learned.

          2. James Michael Curley

            And the're off …

            In the first turn it's Bathtub Virgin leading with Sacred Heart Jesus close and St. Francis running third.

            around the clubhouse turn its Bathtub Virgin and Sacred Heart neck and neck with St. Francis pulling up on the outside.

            It's a three way photo finish!

            Hold on to your tickets as the Stewards review the films.
            While we're waiting heres a word from our sponsor.

            "SUNDAY, Sunday, sundaysundaysunday. Be Here at Englishtown Raceway as the Ultimate Race Off begins between good and evil.
            A Monmouth Drag between Satan in his Monster F-150 and The Holy Ghost in his Z-28 Funny Car.

            SUNDAY, sunday, sunday

          3. finallyhappy

            Saint Francis- someone across a few streets has a really big one of him-it always seemed strange to me around here. When I lived in South Philly, it was expected to have religious stuff on your lawn. Also people have dinosaurs and bulls on their lawns(but they are homemade art) near me

          4. Doktor Zoom

            Since we're doing tangents, let's not forget that a young Bob Dornan "starred" in the boringest movie ever put on celluloid, The Starfighters

            Don't crap in your hand,
            crap in your Poopy Suit!

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Actually, and I hate myself for knowing this, but it was Jews into Polynesians in to black people – mark of Cain and whatnot. I think this is right anyway, but who the hell knows what these people think?

          1. Lot_49

            No no, it's available in pill form now. Lot cheaper if you aren't too fussy about off brand packaging from India.

  5. JustPixelz

    Romney didn't mention God or prayer in his condemnation of religious intolerance. Or in his support for religious intolerance. He hates America. Also loves it. Mostly hate, it seems.

  6. Jus_Wonderin

    Honestly, I don't know what is causing this ringing in my ears. I want to blame it on my blood pressure and reading the statements of this asshole. I hope it goes away after the election. It is A. NOY. ING.

    1. prommie

      Have you been feeling any desire for someone to show you the way? A ringing in the ears is well known to precede the desire to have someone show you the way.

          1. Boojum

            You must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

        1. FakaktaSouth

          I was raised to hate Peter Frampton and that mouth thing he has. It's stupid. Anyway, I was just waiting to do some other stuff, and had about oh, you know, about 15 minutes here, so I thought I would tell you, boooooo. It's better than "do you feel like I do?" on and on, but still, Gross. He was on the Bee Gee's Sgt Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band movie. (Steve Martin was too!) I watched that movie over and over and over when I was little, on cable. I loved Barry Gibb so much. So, I guess what I am saying is, don't let me give you any shit about Peter Frampton, even though I will try, but he still sucks.

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            So you're the one who saw that movie?? It got such notoriously bad reviews when it came out, I thought they burned all the prints! Although I hear Earth Wind & Fire showed everybody up on "Got To Get You Into My Life."

          2. prommie

            It was the presence of Elton John that just destroyed that movie for me. God he has become something of a treasured old queen now, just like the Queen, and Queen, for that matter, but back then, I was trained to hate Elton for I was into the Deep Purple too much.

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        That's so 90's. Back when phones had buttons. I am always so annoyed when I have to launch the phone app and try and get ten digits out of a voicemail. I've been to lunches where we have to unlock and share phones to record contact data.

        1. NellCote71

          "I've been to lunches where we have to unlock and share phones to record contact data."

          What kind of lunches do you go to, "for Pete's sake?"

          1. BoatOfVelociraptors

            Corporate. The IT department has a policy where any phone that connects to the networked must be locked via pin and remotely wipeable.

  7. Hera Sent Me

    A new unit of measurement – one Romney: The energy required to take all possible positions on a given issue.

          1. Boojum

            Also known as the Anti-Dog Particle. It is a quark with anti-charm and spin of both +ħ/2 and −ħ/2, or u↑↓. Decaying, it emits naively massless particles known as "statements" or "press conferences."

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Honestly, Romney is kinda like Schrodinger's cat… except if when you took the top off the box, instead of being either dead or alive, the cat somehow managed to continue being both dead and alive at the same time. With Romney, though, it's positions on issues.

      1. LesBontemps

        Romney is adopting a strategy of principled uncertainty. The principle being, "I'll say whatever will get me elected."

        1. bibliotequetress

          And following that, Romneyvolent, which is to be so ignorant of everything that one is ignorant of one's own ignorance. See: "Corporations are people, my friend."

      2. Negropolis

        That just totally blew my mind, man. Like, that was all out there in the ether and some junk. Whooaaaa, dude….

    2. GeorgiaBurning

      More consequences are predictable through Special Relativity: as Romney starts to espouse every possible position on the issue, the contraction of his support base accelerates.

  8. I_P

    "American leadership needs to be decisive and resolute when our interests are threatened or attacked. For the last four years, this has been lacking."

    Oh for fucks sake, just stop it. OBL, drones in Pakistan, etc., etc. Nothing decisive or resolute there.

    1. MonkeyMotion

      In GOP-neocon-fantasyland, "decisive" and "resolute" mean spending billion$$$ waging war.

      You know, real war — with troops, tanks, missiles, and thousands dying, villages leveled, and tough stuff like that. Not that sissy drones-on-wedding-parties stuff.

    2. OneYieldRegular

      "Or indecisive and irresolute, if that's what you want me to say. Can I see those talking points again?"

  9. anniegetyerfun

    Wow, they had a chance to reframe the second set of questions so that they looked like less than total douchebags, and they still failed?

    1. Serolf_Divad

      You can't hide douchebaggery. Put a cherry on top and it's just douchebaggery with a cherry on top. Put in it a $1000 suit and it's just douchebaggery in a $1000 suit. Send it off on a fact-finding tour of Israel and it's still just douchebaggery on a fact-finding tour of Israel.

      1. Boojum

        Put it in a lead lined box and drop it in the Marianas Trench and that motherfucker is hid. Speaking of which, where is my lead lined box…?

  10. McPdx

    HAHAHAHA…The repubs are now slipping his memos to the lamestream media to embarass Mitt…How's the view from under the bus, Mr. Romney?

  11. PhilippePetain

    "We are standing by what we said by coming up with a million things to say other than the thing we said."


      1. AbandonHope_

        Aw man, I was just starting to get used to this timeline, and now he has to go and retroactively fuck everything up again? I swear, if I wake up one day and the Sliders gang are staring me in the face, I'm going to be so pissed.

        1. Callyson

          Won't work: for some reason, lots of people liked Reagan and thought he was a great guy on a personal level. The difference between him and Mittens would be immediately apparent…

  12. Antispandex

    Best possible answer; "Obama has been blaming poor ol' Preident Bush for over three years, and we believe it's only fair if we blame Obama now. Hey, Look over there, is that rude person saying mean things about Mr. Romney?". It's the kind of response that may have legs in certain parts of the country.

    1. HempDogbane

      "You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat
      Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat.
      Ain't it hard when you discover that
      He really wasn't where it's at
      After he took from you everything he could steal ?"


    2. TribecaMike

      You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
      But you know that BYU has rules about getting juiced in it

        1. TribecaMike

          You used to be so confused
          About Bernie Madoff and how he scammed the fools
          But now you see he was a good capitalist cat
          And all the time he was where it's at
          After they've taken away all your magic drawers

      1. TribecaMike

        I woke up in the Cayman's daydreaming about the interest I have earned
        Visions of Ann's chestnut mare shoot through my head and are making me feel spurned

    3. Toomush_Infer

      Well, he's from Function…from Function Junction – where the Function Junction suction cups are made….

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    "Governor Romney." So, if you hold a position at some point in your life, you get to keep the title?

    In keeping with this, I would like to ask you all to start addressing me as Machinery Repairman Second Class Petty Officer Flagass for the rest of eternity, to reflect my 30-years-ago patriotism and service to country. Thank you.

        1. Cleopatriot

          Then I'll be Colonel Cleopatriot to you. Not that I was ever in the Armed Forces. I'm a Kentucky Colonel.

        2. James Michael Curley

          "When they make a sailor a CPO they take out all his brains,
          An inject a gallon of vinegar and mustard in his veins."

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Actually, they abbreviate the rating (as you did) and then append the pay grade. So I was an MR2. Or as my shipmates called me, "Mister Two."

    1. SoBeach

      We will. Until you get a more prestigious gig. That's how it works.

      — Honorary City Attorney SoBeach (thanks to that 6th grade essay contest I won)

    2. Mahousu

      While you may at times be Petty, I think it's safe to say you're really First Class. Please accept our gratitude and (fake) promotion. Plus, here's another 'p.'

    3. Doktor Zoom

      Actually, I think that's actually true, at least for elective offices, though not for, say, parliamentary functions within an elective body. So "Congressman Gingrich' is appropriate, but "Mr. Speaker Lardball" is not.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I sit corrected!

          I shall have Mr. Drumknott send a missive to the Low King of the Dwarves informing him that he should immediately cease referring to Commander Sam Vimes as "Blackboard Monitor Vimes."

          Then again, Dwarfish notions of words and their permanence/erasability may very well take precedence.

        2. starfanglednut

          Former office holders go back to whatever they were before they were governor. In the saluation use:
          Dear Mr./Ms./etc. (name):
          Only a Governor in office is formally and officially addressed as Governor (name). The reason? There is only one Governor at at time, and it's not respectful of the current office holder to refer to former office holders as it they were still in office.
          I know we hear newscasters referring to former governors as "Governor." But it is incorrect.

      1. bibliotequetress

        "Mr. Speaker Lardball" is on his birth certificate. I saw it. Longform.
        Prove I didn't! Prove I didn't! Prove I didn't!

    4. Warwhatgoodfor

      USAF medical officer stuck for two years in the ass end of nowhere (Dante's tenth level of hell) treating gungho psychoticly suicidal B52 pilots who couldn't wait for the order to go drop 40 or 50 megatons of flaming death on the Russkies. "doc" SIR to all lower life forms. Not to mention the little known fact that the sign on the entrance to the AF base in Dr Stranelove was absolutely accurate – "Peace is Our Profession". You cannot make this stuff up.

      1. CindynEncinitas

        In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364.

      2. Doktor Zoom

        I dunno, at least in the 60's, SAC's motto would not have been all that unfamiliar.

        Not that Kubrick didn't play the irony for all it was worth :)

      3. BloviateMe

        You certain? When I was USAF, the (unofficial?) motto was "war is our profession. peace is our product."

        Definitely more palatable.

    5. James Michael Curley

      Mayor, Governors, Legislators, Senators, Congressmen all seem to qualify – don't know if there are hard a fast rules on it.

      In the Army at least it was only Field Grade Officers and Master Sergeants and above – but my memory is not that good and I didn't care when I was supposed to know it.

    6. Chichikovovich

      So does that mean that everybody can call me "Idiot Who got the Half-ton Stuck Up to the Tits in Mud on A Hot Friday Afternoon Just Before Quitting Time Chichikovovich"?

      'Cause I thought it was just the guys in my old pipeline crew who could call me that.

    7. bibliotequetress

      I think that reflects your superiority over Governor Romney. I speak on behalf all whom Romney "governed."

    8. Toomush_Infer

      Oh, finally now someone can tell me: does Executive Director sound more prestigious than Grave Digger Toomush, 'cause I'm really not sure, anymore…..

      1. Toomush_Infer

        I'd love to have video as his debate handlers approach the prickly subject of his smarmy arrogance and smirkiness…

  14. Jus_Wonderin

    It does seem that the state of political discourse has become, in short, like our neighborhood homeless guy, Jonah, where you scream out your protestations while sprinkling GOD in every other empty space.

  15. ManchuCandidate

    You would think that a guy who has been in constant crisis mode since the primaries would know by now how to deal with one.

    BTW Mittens, a real crisis isn't just when the US gubbiment is closing down your foreign tax shelters.

  16. Steverino247

    If pressed: Thank you. I need to be on the floor of the (House/Senate/hot housewife next door) for a (vote/quickie).

  17. TheGyrus

    He is firmly against any expression of religious hatred or intolerance.

    Isn't this exactly what the message of the tweet in question was?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yes. But it was said in the wrong context (with an angry mob outside). Conciliation is only allowed AFTER you've mowed down the heathen bastards with a General Electric GAU-17/A minigun.

          1. James Michael Curley

            We had them mounted on the side of everything except for the medevacs and the slicks. There was talks that a gunner and crew chief version, station mounted in the side bays for H models was coming soon but I never saw it. Also left a lot of that there and did not want to think about it again.1969, the year I went there, was a pivotal year in the deployment of new theories of war as prosecuted with helicopters. Changes seemed to happen every day. I recall seeing a night run by the DC-3 often referred to Puff the Magic Dragon and it was awesome. By the time I left I recall seeing the same run being done by a staggered line of three early Cobras and it basically made Puff obsolete.I did many drop offs and pickups and medevac and after the LZ was properly prepped you could find your way to it by seeing the glint off the brass laying on the ground.

          2. GunToting[Redacted]

            Interesting. I guess the guy we shot with (who was in his mid-80s) worked on the M134D.Sent from my iPad

    2. anniegetyerfun

      But it's totally different when it's not coming from Romney! When Romney says it, it's an expression of tolerance. When someone connected to the current administration (or at least, the current administration's State Department) says it, it's a sign of weakness.


  18. Texan_Bulldog

    I love that picture. I'm just surprised he didn't make another black guy kneel so Willard could sit on HIM. Because I bet Mittens & Ann have human furniture in all their houses to go with their car elevators.

    1. shelwood46

      He doesn't really need a shoeshine. He's hoping eventually the shoeshine guy will tell him he saw Obama drown someone in the woods during a baptism. (I'm assuming here that Mitt has HBO.)

    2. Arborista

      The trouble is that gentiles are soooo unattractive & hard to match up with the rest of the decor. And one can't justify using fellow Mormons as furniture when they ought to be out reproducing.

  19. TheGyrus

    " Distancing themselves from the statement and saying it wasn’t ‘cleared by Washington’ reflects the mixed signals they are sending to the world."

    He's not wrong about this. Distancing himself from the statement was pretty friggin' craven on Obama's part.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Here is the first statement issued by either Obama or Clinton at 10:44 9/11/12:

      "I condemn in the strongest terms the attack on our mission in Benghazi today. As we work to secure our personnel and facilities, we have confirmed that one of our State Department officers was killed. We are heartbroken by this terrible loss. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and those who have suffered in this attack.
      This evening, I called Libyan President Magariaf to coordinate additional support to protect Americans in Libya. President Magariaf expressed his condemnation and condolences and pledged his government’s full cooperation.

      Some have sought to justify this vicious behavior as a response to inflammatory material posted on the Internet. The United States deplores any intentional effort to denigrate the religious beliefs of others. Our commitment to religious tolerance goes back to the very beginning of our nation. But let me be clear: There is never any justification for violent acts of this kind.

      In light of the events of today, the United States government is working with partner countries around the world to protect our personnel, our missions, and American citizens worldwide."

      This is the first statement issued by Obama's office or the State Department. The 'alleged' "[S]tatement by Embassy Cairo was not cleared by Washington and does not reflect the views of the United States government," an administration official told POLITICO <a href="http://.” target=”_blank”>. is curiously very shortly after Romney's “I'm outraged by the attacks on American diplomatic missions in Libya and Egypt and by the death of an American consulate worker in Benghazi. It's disgraceful that the Obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions, but to sympathize with those who waged the attacks,” subsequently at 10:25 PM Romney who had embargoed the statement until 12:00 AM to comply with the agreement that neither would make a political statement on 9/11 – releases the statement.

      I strongly suspect the real culprit in this fuck up was Politico who may have conveyed a completely disjointed statement from some "Obama Administration" blow hard and gave it to Romney's campaign for comment. Then when Romney's campaign reviewed it they decided to make a political statement.

      In other words – as false as any anonymous source can be – Romney was way out of line to represent "The statement by Embassy Cairo was not cleared by Washington and does not reflect the views of the United States government," was a statement that was "the Obama administration's first response" NOW THAT's CRAVEN (Saturday Mornings 10:00 on Nickelodeon.)

      1. Chichikovovich

        thanks JMC. I was unaware of what the source of the "disavowing" claim was. That does rather change things doesn't it?

        Great comment.

        1. James Michael Curley

          On MSNBC, Krystal Clear (who wears far too opaque clothing) said earlier that the Politico ‘source’ is single and never should have been used. The fact that Judith Miller never had to pay for her discretions seems to have made many in journalism very lax. I’m not in journalism but have had to talk to a few over the years and, years ago, a single source would never have been accepted for a policy statement if he wanted anonymity. At least two would have been required and only one if they were willing to go on the record.

  20. johnnyzhivago

    Special edition prepared for Fox News:

    Q: Is it surprising that a President who hates America would have invited Islamic terrorists to murder our diplomats and then apologized to them when Americans tried to put up a fight?

    1. Tundra Grifter

      jz: There is a right wing nut over on Amazon (See "kait's" comments under "dukeno1's" review of "The Amateur" ) who is saying exactly that. And she believes it, because she whines when critisized for it.

      1. James Michael Curley

        They are all over the place. I'm thinking of dragging out programming tools I haven't used in five years to build an ActiveX addon which will automatically blank any 'comments' section from an online news article. Programming the addon isn't that hard but defining the variables is.

        I expect to get rich.

  21. sullivanst

    Ugh. I think I'm going to have permanent nausea until November.

    Although, I suppose I should, since I like to think of myself as an existentialist.

    Gonna be a looooooong 54 days though.

    1. James Michael Curley

      It will go a lot faster then you expect. Barring another Florida in 2000 or Ohio in 2004 the day after is going to be a significant day of reckoning.

      So find a place to start rolling that rock up that hill. It will be won in the ground game.

  22. anniegetyerfun

    Also, my god, the "Romney Full Statement" needs a motherfucking editor. Who wrote that shit, Jennifer Rubin?

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Wow, it is truly mind-boggling that the campaign released that without even bothering to have anyone proofread it. I mean, even Rafalca could have written something with fewer glaring errors and a more sincere tone. If they can't even get out a legible statement, how the hell do they expect to deal professionally with matters of state?

      1. FlownOver

        Ah, but you forget… the Alpha and Omega of these "matters of state" under the Romney Administration would be signing the Infinite Tax Cut and subsequent War on the Poor into law. Everything – and everyone – else would be an afterthought.

      2. shelwood46

        That's not a statement. That's a leaked internal memo. Since it's meant to make them look bad, leaving the errors in helps.

        1. OneYieldRegular

          Fair enough. I withdraw my criticism. But I sure hope someone deliberately put the errors in, rather than left them in, for even as a scribbled draft that would cause me to have concerns about my writers.

  23. Rotundo_

    This was the best that Luntz could come up with? Or did the genius that advised him to dive into this guns blazing line up all this comedy gold? It amazes me, (no easy task that) that this guy just walks into mine field after mine field without a clue as to why things keep getting blowed up. I had always credited the wealthy with a certain mental focus or acuity that got them where they were (or lack of ethics and possessing huge brass balls) and this guy totally disproves that. If Jethro Bodine were a little more articulate he would be Mittens on the campaign trail.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Romney didn't have to "get where he was," he simply had to stay where his Daddy left him, coasting on connections enough to get in with the most rapacious gang in town.

  24. YouBetcha

    "Well fuck me runnin'. I guess the darkie's gonna git another term." – some Teabagger today, somewhere.

  25. iburl

    Mittbott's frustration chip is overheating because of human units that cannot simultaneously store all positions on all issues in their RAM.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      Some where, IBM's Watson is thrashing its "head" into a wall saying…."fuck this shit, I could run a better campaign than this asshole".

  26. barto

    The real victim here is of course Mitt Romney, not the dead people who were obviously killed by our own side.

    1. docterry6973

      No, Palin's 'he should grow a big stick' comment is so cheap, so breathtakingly trashy, that it raises the bar for tactless stupidity. The Thrilla from Wasilla remains the one true champ.

      1. carlgt1

        well that was just typically dumb of her – but to say the Prez is "sympathizing with the killers" right at the moment the horrible event happened, that's just unprecedentedly awful. That's like in 1941 saying FDR sympathizes with the Japanese & Hitler, or in 1861 saying Abe Lincoln sympathizes with the Confederate States of America etc. Or hell, right on 9/11/2001, a major political figure saying Bush was friends with the hijackers.

  27. MonkeyMotion

    If pressed: mittbot overflow, mittbot overflow, mittbot overflow, mittbot overflow, mittbot overflow,…

    "Um, please excuse us, Governor Romney will be taking no more questions…"

  28. Chichikovovich

    American leadership needs to be decisive and resolute when our interests are threatened or attacked. For the last four years, this has been lacking.

    The original version of the talking point continued:

    "Because the measure of resoluteness is the degree of empty bluster your shouted pronouncements contain. Remember that after 9-11, the President who had truly kept America safe made it clear to Bin Laden that the President wanted him "Dead or Alive". He made it clear that "We're gunna get 'im." You can be sure that this powerful message struck fear into Bin Laden. And for the past four years, the most recent occupant of the Oval Office has said nothing like that."

    1. Arborista

      It's been at least a year since I've heard Obama say we ought to capture OBL. I guess he's just not as resolute as Bush was…

    2. DemmeFatale

      I am strangely comforted when I see others take notice of Bush's hugely phony cowboy posturing: "We're gunna get 'im."
      The morning of 9/11, I was driving to work, when I heard him utter, "We're gunna get the folks that did this." FOLKS?! FOLKS!? (As if the terrorists were just your misguided aunt and uncle!)

  29. actor212

    Y'know, I sort of get this image of Romney campaign headquarters emptying out into choppers on the roof, a la the American embassy in Saigon some forty years ago…

    1. Rotundo_

      Why on earth would any of them do that? The checks are still cashing, the Koch money flowing, and the republican base is still a dumb as a sack of doorknobs. Yes, Mittens shot himself in the foot, repeatedly, but stupid and rich doesn't evaporate. That only happens when the money runs out. That won't happen unless and until Mitt really fucks up in one of the debates. Even then the checks will cash until the day after the election is called. All bets off afterwards.

    1. TribecaMike

      I had some of that in Narbonne years ago. Don't remember how it tasted, but I'll never forget the delicious calvados that we washed it down with. Part of me is still hung over from that evening.

      1. kittensdontlie

        That sounds like a memorable evening! I chose it to honor Mittens since it is terribly French and looks terribly expensive.

  30. Blueb4sinrise

    United Arab Emirates Save Las Cruces from Missile Attack by Gallup!!

    The United Arab Emirates will test the latest Patriot missile system in September, intercepting a Juno rocket that will descend on White Sands from space.
    On Sept. 13, we are going to do our missile shot from Gallup, N.M. We are going to launch a Juno rocket from the northwest corner of New Mexico. We will send it up into space, we’ll bring it onto the range and then we will have a Patriot missile intercept it and destroy it.

    Tucson was 'AWED', I guess.

    Others were either 'awed', or 'confused'.

  31. Eve8Apples

    The more Mittens swings his nutsack and babbles, "'Merka doesn't 'pologize for nuthin!!111!" the more he fuels Middle Eastern anti-American protests. CNN is reporting anti-American protests today in Egypt, Yemen, Libya, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Sudan, Tunisia and Morocco. Apparently, Mitt the Twit doesn't realize what he says is being reported around the world. Mitt's first foreign policy accomplishment is to unite the Muslim world in protests against the U.S. Keep fuckin' that chicken Mitt!

      1. TribecaMike

        In his "A Modest Proposal" Jonathan Swift makes mention of how the flesh of dead Irish children "will make admirable gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen."

    1. johnnyzhivago

      Well hold on a second, partner… If this Mitt feller is so hated by these Mooslims, maybe I should vote for the guy. I think he said he like NASCAR too!

      Who would you rather have a beer with???

  32. docterry6973

    Some days I feel like John Cleese in the Dead Parrot sketch.

    "You poked him."

    "No I didn't."

    "You did, you did!"

    1. MosesInvests

      It's beginning to look like Rmoney's campaign has slipped this mortal coil and joined the choir invisible.

  33. Chow Yun Flat

    The Administration was wrong to stand by a statement sympathizing with those who had breached our embassy in Egypt who were trying to save their lives from a crazed mob who were trying to kill them.


  34. ahnc

    The Romney domino theory is in effect. It cannot be stopped.
    Is it too early to call the election a slam dunk?

    1. Rotundo_

      Yes. Show up and vote anyhow. Bring friends, call relatives, anyone, this isn't over until it is officially called. Until that large stake is driven through (official results) don't take *anything* for granted.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Siegfried is on in the background.
        I always get a kick out of Siegfried taking off Brunnhilde's magic underwear and going WTF? This dude's all bumpy, I'm scared. I guess I'll have to kiss him. Then at the end they invent the tuba and set Brunnhilde on fire.

  35. mustangsavvy

    Holy hell, this is painful to watch and I can't even stand Romney. Is it possible that he is this idiotic? The answer is yes, yes it is. *face palm*

  36. OneYieldRegular

    This, from a Buzzfeed story about the Romney camp turning on the press in the last 24 hours, I found hysterically funny:

    [A senior Romney adviser], granted anonymity to criticize a press corps the campaign still relies on every day, went on to blame a "green room, green zone kind of divide," saying the national press, most of whom live in New York or DC, "pockets of prosperity," are isolated from the realities of the harsh economy — and therefore, unable to grasp Romney's message.

    1. Negropolis

      This reminds me of what happened when Hillary's primary campaign went into a tailspin, only this is a million times worse. Obama has the either the talent or simply it's just how he is, but he absolutely confounds his opponents. I've always been one to deride the 11-dimensional chess bull, but it doesnt' seem like bull when he's in campaign mode.

  37. azeyote

    well since this is the wonkette i don't really know which part was supposed to be the funny – the indented part was pretty damn funny on its own, but the commentary too.. nobody can be that stupid all the time can they? how come he never got run over by a bus

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      That might be an excuse for this. Maybe he was run over by a bus. He is surely throwing himself under one now.

  38. ibwilliamsi

    "Distancing themselves from the statement and saying it wasn’t ‘cleared by Washington’ reflects the mixed signals they are sending to the world."

    Fair warning – if Mitt Romney is elected, no one is allowed to offer any opinion not cleared by Washington.

  39. Estproph

    In life there are many things
    Some of them are the same and some are opposites
    About some of these things I do sing

    A cactus is the opposite of a chair
    In my house you can sit anywhere but there
    especially if your ass is bare

    A bird house is not the same as a bird home
    one is much more comfortable for birds

    These are sames and opposites my friends
    which I determined

    A musical is the same as a burlap sack
    I would not want to be in either

    A squirrel is the same as a can
    when there's a BB gun in my hand
    Can't you see that I am just a man?
    With distinctions and comparisons

    Spare change is the same as wedgies for me
    I don't give it unless someone's really asking

    Saying I apologize is the very same
    as saying I'm sorry, they're the same
    Unless you're at a funeral

    To live is the same as to dream
    If you do both long enough you'll see
    But you have to work in between
    Unless you have narcolepsy

    (That was a boring solo)

    Earrings are the same as sneezes
    Two is okay but ten in a row is annoying
    If you have two then God bless you

    These are sames and opposites my friends
    which I have determined

    A secret admirer is the same as a stalker
    With stationery

    An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie
    I liked it at the time but I don't want to see it again
    Especially if the movie was kind of a bitch

    These are sames and opposites my friends
    which I have determined
    So far

  40. Tundra Grifter

    Starting in early November, Mittens will have plenty of time to work on his movie "The Mountain Meadows Massacre; The Other Side of the Story."

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      It'll be his "Battlefield Earth!" I don't think he'll find enough Mormon actors to fill the roles.

  41. Chichikovovich

    You know, Zoom, you have a knack for this stuff. Remember: There's big money to be made as a talking point writer for Romney! And you clearly have a gift.

    You could have a whole front lawn full of rusted Chevy Impalas if you play your cards right.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      The best talking points writer for Romney would have to have multiple personality disorder just to cover all of Romney's many, diverse, conflicting perspectives.

          1. TribecaMike

            Makes me almost nostalgic for GHW Bush's "little brown ones." Almost, but not quite. Needz moar Mestizo.

  42. johnnyzhivago

    Someone should take this stupid movie and re-dub it again as the "Innocence of Jesus" and put it up on YouTube and see how Christians like having THEIR religion ridiculed.

  43. kingcocrazy

    Not sure if Mormon males are circumcised (pretty sure it's mandatory for the females, though), but Mitt has stepped on his dick so many times the job has been done by now.

  44. GeorgiaBurning

    I can see why the Repubs miss Reagan so much- his Hollywood training enabled him to get the line right with one take.

  45. Comrade Wingtardd

    "But we will not apologize for our constitutional right to freedom of speech."

    Better: "But we will not make craven, cowardly apologies to Muslins for our freedumb, as some – such as black Muslins from Kenya – would."

  46. rocktonsam

    OT. This just in…

    Wasilla studmuffin and latest conquest Sunny Oglesby brought Breeze Beretta Johnston into the world.

    cripes, these people up there

    1. TribecaMike

      One of my sisters lived about an hour's drive down the road from Wasilla during the '80s, and loved it up there, but moved to Washington state when, in her words, "Alaska required drinking the real estate developers' Kool-aid."

  47. Chet Kincaid_

    Dok, you kind of buried an interesting story. The link to the is not about the people who produced the film, but about the Glenn-Beck-like character in Egypt who turned his gullible Arab viewers into an angry mob over that goddamned, stupid, piece-of-shit youtube.

    1. TribecaMike

      You mean the guy who finally Copt to not being Jewish after all, or am I confusing him with another fraud? There's so many juggled oranges to keep track of with this lot.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Yes, I know– the story was too good to ignore, but also not something I'm able to snark on. And there is some stuff about the filmmakers, at least.

      But yes, the link was a halfassed way of bringing the story to you guys' attention.

      Talk about a sad, sad thing to be: The Glenn Beck of Radical Islam. (shudder)

  48. cousinitt

    I read the talking points. I just don't know how the GOP faithful can ever remember all those excuses for stupidity without eventually succumbing to terminal dementia. Wouldn't it just be easier to not lie and accept reality? Honesty, how does it work?

  49. pdiddycornchips

    Mittens foreign policy will be based on bellicose rhetoric and cute catchphrases like "freedom fries".

  50. TootsStansbury

    I haven't read all the comments but the cspan prankster must have been right. The willardbot must have an enormous penis because be keeps stepping on it! Sorry. Dudes! I'm on a goddamned boat!

      1. TootsStansbury

        What. The penis thing ir the boat thing? I took a few days off. Have signal in the anchorage. Mr Stansbury handed me my phone to peruse my Wonkette. Instead of gazing at the milky way. Don't know why but here I am.

      2. TootsStansbury

        The penis thing was prank phone calls made to cspan that all ended up having to do with Mitt Romney's huge member. Funny stuff.

  51. TribecaMike

    Doktor Zoom– did you know that fundamentalists (or at least the funereal-sounding firm of Gary Grimm & Assoc.) have their own version of Bingo called (sans irony) Jingo? Aye, 'tis true, and here's "The First Lady" version, no doubt dedicated to the memory of Mrs. Grover Cleveland. (Note how President Obama is not shown in the game, though he's in his 4th year in office.)

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Yipes! "The Presidential and First Lady Jingo is updated until our 43rd president, George W. Bush."

      Huh. And it has not been updated past that, for some reason. What on earth are they going to do when the next President takes office? Just skip over the Kenyan Usurper altogether, with an asterisk on the box noting that historians like Joe Arpaio and Dr. Jerome Corsi, PhD have determined that he wasn't legally Preznit anyway?

          1. Lavenderp

            Did you ever read Cannery Row? The main character had a millionaire friend who was always mooching off of him- the millionaire's name was Jingleballicks…

  52. johnnyzhivago

    Folks, I am not surprised by Mitt meltdown. As I have mentioned I had the "opportunity" to work closely with another famous executive turned Republican loser, Carly Fiorina. Her public persona, speeches, grooming was always perfect – but when customers asked her questions she stumbled badly, made shit up as she went along and got us into terrible trouble by over committing or just plain stupid shit.

    Some of it was frankly so shocking – ie. insulting CEO's of customers – I could hardly believe what I was seeing.

    These people are told they are hot shit day after day by legions of go-fers, consultants, managers, etc and they BELIEVE IT!

    1. TribecaMike

      "You don't have my Swiss banks accounts to kick around any more because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference."

        1. TribecaMike

          Or swear straight. Last I heard, Mitt's swear jar contained $4,000,000 before being lugged off by underpaid and underfed interns to the Cayman Islands.

          1. ttommyunger

            Shit! That's almost as much as mine holds, but then I toss in a Dime a swear-word; a quarter for Motherfucker.

  53. Limeylizzie

    Hey Wonketteers, I am back from the NYC meet and greet, how beautiful all of us are, met some lovely people and had 2 Coca-Colas and took lots of pics, I was sobre as a judge so they will not be sideways or fuzzy, will send to Becca and she can post them tomorrow, she is still at the bar as are many others, including NounVerb and Mrs. Verb, Actor212, Beelzebubba , MumblyJoe et al.

    1. James Michael Curley

      We appreciate your diligence. Getting to 44th & 9th on a Thursday night can be an awesome experience dodging all the 'ladies' heading toward the Lincoln Tunnel. But, Dayum! some of those shorts are well packed.

        1. James Michael Curley

          Thankx I appreciate the thought. But could you consider changing your user ID? It’s the combination to my wall safe. :)

    1. TribecaMike

      As Thomas Jefferson so memorably said, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the hocked loogies of coloratura sopranos."

    1. Arborista

      Wonkette is so educational…

      When I first saw the name I wondered if that was the guy they named vacillation after, but the spelling is off & the word precedes the man by a few centuries…

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Vasiliev outlined an abstract about the article on the "logic of relatives"

      Mormons are really big on relatives. I don't like many of mine, frankly.

  54. Warpde

    S'cuse me.
    As I must leave to go to Fox Nation and lay a few brain bombs.
    I love the tarded reactions to my comments and being banned, again.
    See you on the other side.

    1. TribecaMike

      Why are we even talking about Obama and Romney when it's plain as day that Ron Paul is going to carry all five trillion electoral college electors?

      Lie back, pop open an RC Cola and think of England.

  55. RALitherland

    Point taken, but: what the fuck-fuck-fuckety-fuck is the administration doing disavowing the Cairo embassy's twitterings? I am personally in favor of insulting religious feelings, and would have preferred them to say something like "this movie is a puerile piece of tripe made by people without two brain cells to rub together". However, with a bunch of angry people outside your door who would like to persuade to please go home to bed, I can understand issuing the sort of emollient rubbish that has become standard in dealing with religious nutters of all stripes. To look on the bright side, I suppose this new mood of 1st amendment absolutism means we can expect a spirited defense of P.Z. Myers's right to abuse crackers from Mr Frothy any day now.

    1. James Michael Curley

      And again, The Salon article points to the same Politico article which seems to be the only source of 'disavowing.' With the significance of such a 'disavowing' 48 hours later is more than enough time for at least one journalist to confirm the 'administration official' and at least one other source to come forward. When this went down, hours before Clinton's official statement, there must have been a dozen people in the briefing, each with half a dozen aides. Yet no-one confirms it.

      1. RALitherland

        Ah. Yes. Abashed newbie was about to apologize for missing the update when I saw your and Dr Zoom's replies. I still can't find your original comment (the link doesn't work for me, and your replies I see to Gyrus are about something else). The "disavowal" seems to have spread beyond Politico and Salon; it has, natch, got to Breitbart. I shall read Salon with a more jaundiced eye in the future. I'm sorry, and ashamed. I think I'll go back to lurking for awhile.

        1. Doktor Zoom

          No newbie worries needed, even — your comment actually was posted while I was typing the update! (Also, the reply is to TheGyrus's second comment, about 2/3 of the way down the first page of comments…)

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Nice catch! I believe it is a snafu with the licensing of Glenn Beck's batshit formulation in the Middle Eastern territories. Beck's lawyers thought it safer to just let it ride than to go over there and straighten things out.

  56. TribecaMike

    When in doubt blame the media, which is funny considering the media is owned by multinational corporations who's boards of directors Mitt hosts for weekend orgies.

    Silly world, stop being so burlesque!

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Complaining about "librul media" feeds the idiots' persecution complex. It makes them aggressive and pliable. "America the Great Satan" is used the same way on a similar mob of morons in the Middle East.

    1. Negropolis

      In a state still burning witches, this won't be a big loss for the president. lol This will disenfranchize the two, whole Obama voters in Kanas.

      I know, I know, Wichita/Kansas City libel!

    2. Lavenderp

      …"there is substantial evidence showing that much of Mr. Obama's alleged birth certificates have been forged or doctored, and have not been confirmed as legally valid, true and accurate."

      What IS the matter with Kansas?

  57. nowave

    I know Romney is rich, but according to the photograph above, he has bought Pink Floyd…? Wish you weren't here, Mitt.

    Another prick in the Wall.

  58. lulzmonger

    Romney's Theorem: The stench of a turd decreases in direct proportion to how much tinsel is sprinkled on it.

    Remember, voters: BUY 9 & THE 10TH ONE IS FREE!

  59. TribecaMike

    (REUTERS) Republican candidate Mitt Romney continues to insist that the violence in Libya and Egypt was caused by President Obama's lack of interest in the recent passing of Hal David, lyricist of Romney's favorite song, "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."

    Romney's top foreign affairs advisor John Bolton is demanding that the State Department dispatch David's longtime partner Burt Bacharach immediately to Tripoli by camel caravan, "preferably with a full orchestra, but without that commie dupe Dionne Warwick."

    1. Juan_Oriley

      You know, I created my Bacharch Pandora channel a good few years ago. One of the first ones I think. Also, too, I do not know the way to San Jose, but I might just drive up there some weekend when I'm bored, and listening to Pandora.

        1. Juan_Oriley

          Since I ain't got no TV, I'm watching that now. Of course If I end up driving up to San Jose, I'll have to swing thru Bakersfield and eat a chicken fried steak at Buck Owens old joint because I got plenty of that Bakersfield country on the Pandora.

  60. bearperney

    It seems like Mitt has a coward's idea of how a brave person would act and is trying to emulate that erroneous concept.

  61. obfuscator2

    if the ONLY thing you're capable of doing is raising money, you should probably stay in venture capitalism and avoid politics.

  62. iburl

    This whole brouhaha could still be solved if Mitt would just admit he is a Reptiloid from the Asteroid Belt. I will accept Ryan's silence to serve as his confirmation as well.

  63. Negropolis

    So this is what it looks like when an evil robot loses his shit. All we have to do is stay clear of its blast radius when it inevitably self-destructs to try and take us all down with it. Sarah Connor FTW.

  64. valthemus

    Foolish liberals, don't you understand? Obama is apologizing to Muslims, who are evil, because Obama is evil and a Muslim and evilly hates America where all his stuff is. Stop trying to explain why he's not an evil Muslim evil person. I'm a conservative, dagnabbit! I don't want to be informed, I just want to be angry!

  65. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "That's the trouble with the liberal lamestream media: always paying attention to what we said, instead of what we say we said."

  66. Negropolis

    Breaking News: Seeing crashing poll numbers, and hoping to disassociate himself from his current failed branding, Mitt Romney has left the Republican Party, and will now run on the ballot line of the newly-minted "The Trees Are Too Damn High!" party.

  67. Ruhe

    “No. It is never too soon to stand up for American values and interests.”

    Which is why Jesus began doing so over two thousand years ago.

  68. Toomush_Infer

    Enough! This is just research for Mitt's new book: The Kama Sutra of Political Posturing…it'll be out November 9th….

  69. Limeylizzie

    Our Editrix is still asleep on my couch, so not sure when there will be a new Wonkette post, but it was a delightful time last night , I became slightly obsessed with getting a good photo of Wonketteer lurker "Jessica" who was this really attractive, smart and funny woman but I couldn't get a good shot of her, but finally managed, so sorry if I was a bit weird, Jessica, but it was for your own good!

  70. Limeylizzie

    I know. She just had such a fantastic face, really open and friendly, and I couldn't get a shot that showed her awesomeness.

Comments are closed.