Are You A Poor?

America Roughly As Infested With Poors As It Was Last Year

the good old daysThe Census released its annual report on poverty yesterday, and there are lots of fun facts to be parsed herein vis a vis who is rich and who is a loser. But first, let’s offer a hearty congrats to America, who is not significantly more infested with Poors than it was last year! AND! Only 22% of children are living in poverty — meaning, since we are glass-half-full type people — that 78% are NOT living in poverty, which is what we should be focusing on (unless we hate America, of course). USA! USA! But wait, there’s even more good news! Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds, meaning that white men are still coming out ahead. USA! USA! Also, the rich keep getting richer, bless their little hearts!

First, Wonketeers may be wondering what “poverty” means. After all, if you have a ceiling fan and a refrigerator and a TV and a microwave, can you really be considered poor? You could, after all, use these implements to heat food, eat it in front of your TV while you enjoy the breeze wafting from your ceiling fan, and then store the food for later consumption, so how poor could you be? Answer: pretty poor! The census measure of poverty differs from the Health and Human Services Department’s measure of poverty. HHS measures poverty for the purposes of determining whether or not someone is eligible for government handouts, and in the way they figure it, these people are Poors.
This table tells us who is a Poor

The Census, on the other hand, uses 48 “poverty thresholds” to figure out who is a Poor and who isn’t, and do some figuring about how many people are in a given household and how old they are. So, according tot the Census.gov website, a family of five (three adults and two kids) living in one house must have a total income of at least $27,517 in 2011 or else they are all Poors. All of them. Even the baby.

Having learned all about the measures of poverty, let’s inspect this fascinating chart about median incomes by race and region. For those of you who are recent graduates of our underfunded public school system, the “median” income means that half of Americans made less than this every year, and half made more.

are you a poor?

You will notice two things that probably aren’t all that surprising—first, that the highest median income in the country is in the Northeast and the lowest is in the South. (Ha–ha!)

The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks. The answer to solving this discrepancy is, of course, to destroy affirmative action and destroy Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act.

Let’s now move on to the rates of poverty by age. We will quickly learn from this chart that the recession is apparently over, and that kids under 18 years old really need to start picking themselves up by their bootstraps because COME ON, PEOPLE.

Youngs better watch itSo basically, if we were running this country like a business, we’d get rid of Youngs (22% of them are in poverty). First thing, get rid of all the youngs. But surely there are MANY cost effective measures out there that will boost our bottom line and take us to an age of prosperity again. We await your suggestions.

[Census]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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162 comments

    1. Callyson

      Because it would require them to do less drinking, smoking, socializing, and complaining, of course. If they would just follow the advice of heiress Gina Rinehart and work harder to make her richer, they might succeed in crawling into the middle class after all…

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Slow smoking. I find apple wood and a slightly sweet rub makes all the difference. Mop with apple juice every couple of hours, and about 12 hours around 180 degrees.

    1. Isyaignert

      Oh Gawd, I remember that story from English 101 decades ago. I remember that no one in class picked up that it was actually satire – we were all horrified some one would actually suggest what he was suggesting.

      1. C_R_Eature

        I liked the part in the story where Jonathan Swift attributes the whole idea to an American acquaintance.

    1. Millennial Malaise

      French-style, what are you some kind of pussy? American-style revolutions ONLY, with muskets and outfits unfit for camouflage.

  1. memzilla

    But surely there are MANY cost effective measures out there that will boost our bottom line and take us to an age of prosperity again.

    Simple: more tax cuts for the wealthy, and a bigger military budget so we can go to war on three more Muslin countries, for which we will need plenty of 18-to-25-year-old cannon fodder.

    What is this, a trick question?

    1. Isyaignert

      Then, and only then, will we have a balanced budget, right?

      PS – I almost hate to say it, but I honestly believe that the Republicons are against abortion because they know they'll need the cannon fodder for their numerous wars of agression they hope to launch against the rest of the world. Their stance has NOTHING to do with the sancity of life – as demonstrated repeatedly, they don't care about the lives of others.

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        I'd agree in principal, but this suggests FAR more long-term planning (18+ years) than any of these cretins have shown in the past.

  2. LibertyLover

    Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds

    — strangely enough, the very same people whose votes the Republicans are trying to suppress.

    1. oenspiek

      Gosh, that's shocking! But it'll work out all right, if we just cut the capital gains tax, ban abortion and close the public schools. Yeah, that's the ticket.

  3. actor212

    a family of five (three adults and two kids) living in one house must have a total income of at least $27,517 in 2011 or else they are all Poors. All of them. Even the baby.

    Babbies are never poor, so long as there's a breast with milk in it.

        1. Boojum

          I'm willing to suggest that no one is ever poor, if there is a breast with milk in it available. Sure, poor in money, but still, RICHES!

  4. Yellerdawg

    It's OK to live in poverty as long as the job creators are nicely taken care of and the illegals know their place and none o' them sluts is havin' sex on my dime.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    If Jesus didn't care about the Poorz, why should I?

    If they were really worthy, they'd be born into a rich family.

  6. docterry6973

    Never fear! Romney has promised that his tax changes will protect middle income Americans. He defines middle income Americans as those earning between 200K and 250K a year. I am sad to learn that to the GOP I am poor and shiftless and should not be allowed to buy shifts, because I am a Drag on Society.

    So he told Stephanopoulos in an interview this morning.

    1. finallyhappy

      I thought when we were both working that we were doing pretty well- but I guess I was not even close to middle income. Now that we are retired- I guess we will be totally screwed if this pos wins

    1. fuflans

      i heard some business dude somewhere on npr in the last couple days actually admit that they're waiting til november to do anything: hire, invest, release cash.

      assholes.

    1. Biff

      When the suburban beach town just south of San Francisco we escaped to in 1954 later incorporated, they had a billboard on PCH bragging that the median income was $10K. Our family income was considerably less, and there were 7 of us, but we got by…

  7. Goonemeritus

    “ the highest median income in the country is in the Northeast and the lowest is in the South”.

    If you are a believer in “Prosperity Theology” you can only conclude that God hates Christians.

  8. LibertyLover

    Well, those poors aren't out there creating jobs are they? Why should they get any special consideration? They don't even have their money working hard for them in an off-shore bank account in the Caymans or in Switzerland.

  9. Terry

    "The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks. The answer to solving this discrepancy is, of course, to destroy affirmative action and destroy Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act."

    The other thing that table says is that I should have said yes when a very nice Chinese-American kid with an interest in computers asked me out in high school.

  10. Toomush_Infer

    One hobo bean plus another hobo bean is two hobo beans….plus, why are all those Asians so goddam rich?!!!!!!….

  11. elviouslyqueer

    The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks.

    IOW, President Obama doesn't care about black people.

    Wait.

  12. hagajim

    if you have a ceiling fan and a refrigerator and a TV and a microwave, can you really be considered poor?

    Not according to the GOP.

    1. sudsmckenzie

      …. its hard to keep track of who to hate nowadays, sometimes I think I need a chart, … a colored chart of course.

  13. Self-Uploader

    "The poor you will always have with you."

    As American atheist Kurt Vonnegut pointed out in his sermon one long ago Palm Sunday at St. Clement's church, when Jesus said those words he said that to Judas who he knew was going to betray him and who was all on his case about getting a foot massage (with some expensive fancy oil) and he added, "but you will not always have me." The intent was snark as in "You're going to betray me and I'm a die in a couple of weeks so lay off, bro."

    Unfortunately, unlike their Lord and Savior, many Christians in this country lack the irony gene.

    1. FNMA

      It amuses me to no end that Kurt, a secular humanist, was vastly more "Christian" in his values than many of those who claim to be Christians.

      So it goes.

  14. Monsieur_Grumpe

    If we took all the rich people and divided them up between the all the poors everyone would have a piece of the wealth. Messy but fair.

  15. Misty Malarky

    At least The Poor will no longer be able to afford the luxury of drinking Dr Pepper, thereby saving their souls from SATAN.

  16. kittensdontlie

    I cry foul!! Those tables and graphs left out a huge segment of our population—the pitiful poor corporations–Oh, how they suffer! Will no one stand up for them?! If we prick them, do they not bleed?!??

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    When I was up visiting the ancestral homeland last month, my cousin, her husband and I spent a day in Newport RI. After a nice repast at O'Brien's, we took a leisurely drive around Ocean Avenue and then up Bellevue, admiring the huge mansions. It was there and then that I decided that the owners of these marvellous homes needed another tax break, and we all decided to switch our votes to Romney.

    1. DalePues

      I think that's a wise decision. In our home we've chosen to donate our earnings to the rich directly and perhaps use it as a charitable contribution for a tax write-off.

  18. widestanceromance

    Why all the elitist liberally biased numbers to determine poorness? All you have to do is smell them. You always know then.

  19. DalePues

    Well, I hope they counted me. I'm getting old and the funds are drying up. The future looks bleak. Still, there are many new cars on the highway and the road crews are everywhere making sure the ride is smooth.

  20. pdiddycornchips

    This can be solved by a combination of free money for banks, tax cuts for rich people and eliminating any government benefits for poors. The rich will thrive, the poor will starve to death thereby reducing the number of poors. Simple math people!

    1. FlownOver

      We can ease their passage by ending regulation. A little more arsenic in the hobo beans will help us reduce the number of poors more quickly and efficiently (See? Running govermint like a bidniss!), so win-win.

    1. LibertyLover

      That might not be a good Idea, freakishlywrong was advocating a guillotine up-thread. (Keeping your head down exposes the neck.)

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    It'd be really interesting if we cross pollinate and get some 2nd Amendment action going: Arm the poor.

  22. Lot_49

    The only appropriate response to this growing pooritude is to develop the ability to not see poverty, the same way conservatards like to pretend they don't see race.

    However, there's a lesser likelihood of a Poor president ever being elected than there was of a part-black, non-African-American prez being elected. Yet it's not hopeless! C'mon, Poors, give Karl Rove a call.

    Come to think of it, most of us have already developed Poor-blindness pretty successfully. I know I have no problem stepping over the homeless people who sleep in the doorway to my condo. It helps to think of them as "bums" or "hobos" rather than mentally ill poor people cast aside by our cruel system of medical care discrimination.

  23. poorgradstudent

    But…but…Megan McArdle told me that it didn't matter if I barely had triple digits in my checking account balance; because I have a lamp and a desk fan and even King Edward III of fourteenth century England didn't, I wasn't a Poor!

  24. Biff

    Just yesterday I stepped on the throat of the youthful Amercian entrepeneurial spirit by calling 911 about a burglary in progress across the road from Casa de Biff.

  25. barto

    Solution: Move all the poors to a third-world country. They'll live like KINGS! Oh wait, we are a third world country…

  26. Nowisallthereis

    We should take all of the idle factories out there and refit them into Soylent Green processing plants. Olds and poors will be the raw materials. The consumers will also be olds and poors, until we run out of raw materials. By then – PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!

  27. owhatever

    The poorz should borrow some money from their parents and create their own multinational corporations. Or get new parents.

  28. natoslug

    Ha! With 53% of children in Humboldt County living in poverty, we are ahead of the curve! It's like a little taste of Appalachia up here in N. Cali. I think we'll do fine, though, once we switch to a pot and seashell based economy.

  29. docterry6973

    When I was a kid we were working poor, living in a house with an outhouse out back. Sure it was a two-seater, but still. Public schools, two land-grant colleges, and a federal graduate fellowship got me a Ph.D and a life of comfort. But I still often feel like that poor kid infesting society, and it makes me wish a hearty fuck you to Smirky McMillionaire and all his ilk, who were born on third base and think they hit a triple.

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