the good old daysThe Census released its annual report on poverty yesterday, and there are lots of fun facts to be parsed herein vis a vis who is rich and who is a loser. But first, let’s offer a hearty congrats to America, who is not significantly more infested with Poors than it was last year! AND! Only 22% of children are living in poverty — meaning, since we are glass-half-full type people — that 78% are NOT living in poverty, which is what we should be focusing on (unless we hate America, of course). USA! USA! But wait, there’s even more good news! Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds, meaning that white men are still coming out ahead. USA! USA! Also, the rich keep getting richer, bless their little hearts!

First, Wonketeers may be wondering what “poverty” means. After all, if you have a ceiling fan and a refrigerator and a TV and a microwave, can you really be considered poor? You could, after all, use these implements to heat food, eat it in front of your TV while you enjoy the breeze wafting from your ceiling fan, and then store the food for later consumption, so how poor could you be? Answer: pretty poor! The census measure of poverty differs from the Health and Human Services Department’s measure of poverty. HHS measures poverty for the purposes of determining whether or not someone is eligible for government handouts, and in the way they figure it, these people are Poors.
This table tells us who is a Poor

The Census, on the other hand, uses 48 “poverty thresholds” to figure out who is a Poor and who isn’t, and do some figuring about how many people are in a given household and how old they are. So, according tot the website, a family of five (three adults and two kids) living in one house must have a total income of at least $27,517 in 2011 or else they are all Poors. All of them. Even the baby.

Having learned all about the measures of poverty, let’s inspect this fascinating chart about median incomes by race and region. For those of you who are recent graduates of our underfunded public school system, the “median” income means that half of Americans made less than this every year, and half made more.

are you a poor?

You will notice two things that probably aren’t all that surprising—first, that the highest median income in the country is in the Northeast and the lowest is in the South. (Ha–ha!)

The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks. The answer to solving this discrepancy is, of course, to destroy affirmative action and destroy Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act.

Let’s now move on to the rates of poverty by age. We will quickly learn from this chart that the recession is apparently over, and that kids under 18 years old really need to start picking themselves up by their bootstraps because COME ON, PEOPLE.

Youngs better watch itSo basically, if we were running this country like a business, we’d get rid of Youngs (22% of them are in poverty). First thing, get rid of all the youngs. But surely there are MANY cost effective measures out there that will boost our bottom line and take us to an age of prosperity again. We await your suggestions.


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  • Why do poor people hate success so much?

    • dennis1943

      Because then they would possibly resemble………………

    • Callyson

      Because it would require them to do less drinking, smoking, socializing, and complaining, of course. If they would just follow the advice of heiress Gina Rinehart and work harder to make her richer, they might succeed in crawling into the middle class after all…

  • C_R_Eature

    "I have a Modest Proposal…."

    – J. Swift

    • eggsacklywright

      Grilled is best. They get all stringy if you try to roast 'em.

      • C_R_Eature

        "I want my babyback babyback babyback…."

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        Slow smoking. I find apple wood and a slightly sweet rub makes all the difference. Mop with apple juice every couple of hours, and about 12 hours around 180 degrees.

        • C_R_Eature

          *scribbling marginal notes in copy of To Serve Man*

    • Do you want fries with that order?

      • C_R_Eature

        "Soylent Green! It's OLD People!"

        • el_donaldo

          double eww.

          • C_R_Eature

            It's actually not too bad. With a nice Chianti.

        • Isn't that what the song ♪ In the Still of the Night ♪ is all about? Soylent Green is just well-aged moonshine?

          • C_R_Eature

            I thought everybody knew that. Where do you think "Old Grand-Dad" came from, eh?

    • Isyaignert

      Oh Gawd, I remember that story from English 101 decades ago. I remember that no one in class picked up that it was actually satire – we were all horrified some one would actually suggest what he was suggesting.

      • C_R_Eature

        I liked the part in the story where Jonathan Swift attributes the whole idea to an American acquaintance.

  • SnarkOff

    Obviously it's time to pray more and cut taxes for job creators.

    • HistoriCat

      Yes yes – but what about abortions?

  • sudsmckenzie

    Today, we were all born a poor black child.

    • I was born and raised down in Alabama, on a farm way back up in the woods. I was so ragged that folks used to call me Patches…

      • Oblios_Cap

        "You mean I'm always going to be this color?"

      • sudsmckenzie

        All you need is that ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, a magazine, and an empty chair.

        • And this thermos!!

        • Dudleydidwrong

          And Clint Eastwood will buy you an empty chair, also, too.

      • iamrrm

        Patches, I'm depending on you son.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          But Patches grew up to be Clarence Carter, and he was STROKIN'!!!!!

          • iamrrm

            I stroke it to the east. I stroke it to the west.

    • LibertyLover

      Son, Let me show you somethin' – That's sh*t. And THIS is Shinola….

      • sudsmckenzie

        The Least Interesting man in the world.

        • "I don't always run for President…..wait, what?"

  • YouBetcha

    So….tax cut for the 1% then? That will solve this problem, and all problems, forever, also, such as.

    • Raise taxes on the poors and cut their handouts, also. You're welcome, America.

  • Goonemeritus

    How can I become Asian?

    • You really want to know the secret to Turning Japanese? It's in the palm of your hand

      Relevant. Turn the volume up to eleven.

    • eggsacklywright

      I hear turning Japanese isn't all that difficult, grasshopper.

    • salt_bagel

      Don't worry. In every Caucasian, there's already some Asian.

    • eggsacklywright

      Let's ask Chow Yun Flat. He's got that shit covered.

    • orygoon

      I suppose there's a other-way-procedure of that eyelids-surgery. Reverse blepharoplasty?

    • schvitzatura

      All the best cowboys have chinese eyes.

  • Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds, meaning that white men are still coming out ahead.

    Oh thank God! I hate being unfashionable.

    • ChernobylSoup

      We should start some kind of club devoted to protecting our heritage.

  • iamrrm

    Poors, huh, good God
    What are they good for
    Absolutely nothing
    Say it again, y'all

  • freakishlywrong

    I suggest a French style revolution replete with guillotine.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Please, in which room are the Jacobins meeting? I think they're my party.

    • bearperney

      Dibs on being Robespierre!

    • Millennial Malaise

      French-style, what are you some kind of pussy? American-style revolutions ONLY, with muskets and outfits unfit for camouflage.

    • Nowisallthereis

      And cake. Lots of cake.

  • memzilla

    But surely there are MANY cost effective measures out there that will boost our bottom line and take us to an age of prosperity again.

    Simple: more tax cuts for the wealthy, and a bigger military budget so we can go to war on three more Muslin countries, for which we will need plenty of 18-to-25-year-old cannon fodder.

    What is this, a trick question?

    • Isyaignert

      Then, and only then, will we have a balanced budget, right?

      PS – I almost hate to say it, but I honestly believe that the Republicons are against abortion because they know they'll need the cannon fodder for their numerous wars of agression they hope to launch against the rest of the world. Their stance has NOTHING to do with the sancity of life – as demonstrated repeatedly, they don't care about the lives of others.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        I'd agree in principal, but this suggests FAR more long-term planning (18+ years) than any of these cretins have shown in the past.

  • LibertyLover

    Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds

    — strangely enough, the very same people whose votes the Republicans are trying to suppress.

    • oenspiek

      Gosh, that's shocking! But it'll work out all right, if we just cut the capital gains tax, ban abortion and close the public schools. Yeah, that's the ticket.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Oh, for fuck's sake!

    • Odd, that.

  • a family of five (three adults and two kids) living in one house must have a total income of at least $27,517 in 2011 or else they are all Poors. All of them. Even the baby.

    Babbies are never poor, so long as there's a breast with milk in it.

    • LibertyLover

      But not in the public… no breast feeding in public…. it offends these people because BOOBS.

      • The homeless shouldn't breast feed in public. They should do it in the privacy of their living rooms.

        • Boojum

          I'm willing to suggest that no one is ever poor, if there is a breast with milk in it available. Sure, poor in money, but still, RICHES!

        • wolvenwood13

          Wait, refrigerator boxes come with LIVING ROOMS? Who knew. Ain't progress great?

  • Oblios_Cap

    As long as they have cell phones, TVs, and refrigerators, no one is truly poor.

  • FNMA

    Can't these kids borrow $20,000 from their parents to start their own businesses?

    • OneYieldRegular

      I would trade you all of Dubya's Bushisms for this one gold-plated Romneyism.

      • Texan_Bulldog

        "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." GWB Jan. 27, 2000

  • Yellerdawg

    It's OK to live in poverty as long as the job creators are nicely taken care of and the illegals know their place and none o' them sluts is havin' sex on my dime.

    • Boojum

      Wow, nice summary of the GOP Platform!

  • freakishlywrong

    I wish a UTI on all the trickle downers.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If Jesus didn't care about the Poorz, why should I?

    If they were really worthy, they'd be born into a rich family.

    • It's not my fault they chose their parents badly.

    • Boojum

      Fucking eyes of needles, how do they work?

  • Amercia – love it or die of starvation and hypothermia!

  • no_gravity

    There you go putting the dismal back in science.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      And Malthus may have the last word yet.

  • docterry6973

    Never fear! Romney has promised that his tax changes will protect middle income Americans. He defines middle income Americans as those earning between 200K and 250K a year. I am sad to learn that to the GOP I am poor and shiftless and should not be allowed to buy shifts, because I am a Drag on Society.

    So he told Stephanopoulos in an interview this morning.

    • I had to Google that.

      "Holy shit-tuh!" to quote Senator Blutarsky.

    • Oblios_Cap

      $200-250K/year must seem like grinding poverty to Willard.

    • finallyhappy

      I thought when we were both working that we were doing pretty well- but I guess I was not even close to middle income. Now that we are retired- I guess we will be totally screwed if this pos wins

    • GeorgiaBurning

      somebody forgot to enable the math processor during the last firmware upgrade

    • he really is having a meltdown this week isn't he?

      these meltdowns seem to go in cycles. probably battery life.

  • RedneckMuslin

    They need to borrow money from their parents.

  • I'm inclined to blame the "job creators" on this one.

    • i heard some business dude somewhere on npr in the last couple days actually admit that they're waiting til november to do anything: hire, invest, release cash.


  • Oblios_Cap

    I'm so old that I remember when $50K was a nice chunk O change.

    • Biff

      When the suburban beach town just south of San Francisco we escaped to in 1954 later incorporated, they had a billboard on PCH bragging that the median income was $10K. Our family income was considerably less, and there were 7 of us, but we got by…

    • My dad was a middle class carpenter, and I remember my first job– 1978– paid me $9G, more than he was making.

  • RedneckMuslin

    I got mine. Too bad you missed yours. -Mitt

    • Texan_Bulldog

      I got mine. Fuck you. -Mitt


      • Biff

        He always looks to be on the verge of blurting that out. He doesn't do well off-script.

  • Goonemeritus

    “ the highest median income in the country is in the Northeast and the lowest is in the South”.

    If you are a believer in “Prosperity Theology” you can only conclude that God hates Christians.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Or has a wicked sense of humor.

      • Boojum

        Or both.

  • Obviously, more minorities should start hedge funds.

    • Literally, stashing their deposit bottles under the hedges of the rich and gated.

      • Boojum

        Literally, stashing their deposit bottles full of votes under the hedges of the rich and gated.


  • LibertyLover

    Well, those poors aren't out there creating jobs are they? Why should they get any special consideration? They don't even have their money working hard for them in an off-shore bank account in the Caymans or in Switzerland.

  • Terry

    "The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks. The answer to solving this discrepancy is, of course, to destroy affirmative action and destroy Section 5 of the Voting Rights Act."

    The other thing that table says is that I should have said yes when a very nice Chinese-American kid with an interest in computers asked me out in high school.

  • However prospects have never been brighter for the the pool of underemployed considering alleviating their problems via prostitution.

  • Toomush_Infer

    One hobo bean plus another hobo bean is two hobo beans….plus, why are all those Asians so goddam rich?!!!!!!….

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      You have hobo beans?! Elitist!

      • Toomush_Infer

        One! I only dream….

  • Lazy Media

    I, for one, welcome our new Asian overlords.

  • salt_bagel

    When Poors blame others, they give up their power to change.

  • elviouslyqueer

    The other figure that jumped out at your Wonkette was the differences in median income between whites and Blacks.

    IOW, President Obama doesn't care about black people.


  • hagajim

    if you have a ceiling fan and a refrigerator and a TV and a microwave, can you really be considered poor?

    Not according to the GOP.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I've heard forced sterilization is a great way of controlling these undesirables.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    So we hate the poors now? Are they the new black?

    • sudsmckenzie

      …. its hard to keep track of who to hate nowadays, sometimes I think I need a chart, … a colored chart of course.

  • Biff

    Looks like a good time to turn Japanese!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Whose feeling the trickle??!!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Only the yellow stream from above. Wonder what it is?

  • "The poor you will always have with you."

    As American atheist Kurt Vonnegut pointed out in his sermon one long ago Palm Sunday at St. Clement's church, when Jesus said those words he said that to Judas who he knew was going to betray him and who was all on his case about getting a foot massage (with some expensive fancy oil) and he added, "but you will not always have me." The intent was snark as in "You're going to betray me and I'm a die in a couple of weeks so lay off, bro."

    Unfortunately, unlike their Lord and Savior, many Christians in this country lack the irony gene.

    • FNMA

      It amuses me to no end that Kurt, a secular humanist, was vastly more "Christian" in his values than many of those who claim to be Christians.

      So it goes.

  • LibertyLover

    OT – "Wonketeers"… Is there some sort of funny hat with big round ears that goes with that title?

    • Dibs on the name "Cubby"!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I just wanna watch Annette's tits grow.

    • I like to think of a Wonketteer as some sort of MUSketteer, rather than a MOUSEketteer.
      (Seems more awesome.)

      • MosesInvests

        All for snark, and snark for all!

    • ChernobylSoup

      You haven't received yours yet?

    • Toomush_Infer

      W O NKE TT – Titties for All!!!!!….

      • LibertyLover

        I don't need no titties… I have my own. Thanks, tho. :-)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    If we took all the rich people and divided them up between the all the poors everyone would have a piece of the wealth. Messy but fair.

  • Misty Malarky

    At least The Poor will no longer be able to afford the luxury of drinking Dr Pepper, thereby saving their souls from SATAN.

  • kittensdontlie

    I cry foul!! Those tables and graphs left out a huge segment of our population—the pitiful poor corporations–Oh, how they suffer! Will no one stand up for them?! If we prick them, do they not bleed?!??

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When I was up visiting the ancestral homeland last month, my cousin, her husband and I spent a day in Newport RI. After a nice repast at O'Brien's, we took a leisurely drive around Ocean Avenue and then up Bellevue, admiring the huge mansions. It was there and then that I decided that the owners of these marvellous homes needed another tax break, and we all decided to switch our votes to Romney.

    • DalePues

      I think that's a wise decision. In our home we've chosen to donate our earnings to the rich directly and perhaps use it as a charitable contribution for a tax write-off.

    • …and then you visited H.P. Lovecraft's grave in Providence and decided to vote for Cthulhu. After all, why vote for the lesser of two evils?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Tax the Rich
    Feed the Poor
    Until there are
    No rich no more

    • Biff

      But ten years after–what?

    • scionkirk

      Sean Hannity features comment as an official Obama Presidential Proclamation in 3.. 2.. 1..

    • FNMA

      That's it. I'm going home.

  • Lewis W. Hine did some good ol' days photographs of horrible child labor and such in the early 1900s

    Do an image search as well. The guy was incredible.

    • Isyaignert

      Nice bird pictures Derrick! Also, too I'm a huge fan of Bubbles and the rest o' the Trailer Park Boys.

  • C_R_Eature

    Oceana has always been at war with Eastasia The Poors.

  • widestanceromance

    Why all the elitist liberally biased numbers to determine poorness? All you have to do is smell them. You always know then.

  • LibertyLover

    Clearly more tax cuts for the richest 1% are in order.

  • DalePues

    Well, I hope they counted me. I'm getting old and the funds are drying up. The future looks bleak. Still, there are many new cars on the highway and the road crews are everywhere making sure the ride is smooth.

  • ttommyunger

    "I feel my pain."

  • pdiddycornchips

    This can be solved by a combination of free money for banks, tax cuts for rich people and eliminating any government benefits for poors. The rich will thrive, the poor will starve to death thereby reducing the number of poors. Simple math people!

    • We can ease their passage by ending regulation. A little more arsenic in the hobo beans will help us reduce the number of poors more quickly and efficiently (See? Running govermint like a bidniss!), so win-win.

  • Grief_Lessons

    As a white male, I'm just gonna keep my head down.

    • LibertyLover

      That might not be a good Idea, freakishlywrong was advocating a guillotine up-thread. (Keeping your head down exposes the neck.)

      • Grief_Lessons

        I assume my p-points will protect me in the event of any uprising led by the Wonkeratti.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    It'd be really interesting if we cross pollinate and get some 2nd Amendment action going: Arm the poor.

  • HempDogbane

    This all has something to do with Dr. Pepper and evolution, doesn't it?

    • Biff

      The young lady at the end of one of those Dr. Pepper commercials certainly seems to be evolved.

  • Lot_49

    The only appropriate response to this growing pooritude is to develop the ability to not see poverty, the same way conservatards like to pretend they don't see race.

    However, there's a lesser likelihood of a Poor president ever being elected than there was of a part-black, non-African-American prez being elected. Yet it's not hopeless! C'mon, Poors, give Karl Rove a call.

    Come to think of it, most of us have already developed Poor-blindness pretty successfully. I know I have no problem stepping over the homeless people who sleep in the doorway to my condo. It helps to think of them as "bums" or "hobos" rather than mentally ill poor people cast aside by our cruel system of medical care discrimination.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Is that your doorway I'm lying in, Lot? Sorry, I'll move along….

      • Lot_49

        Much appreciated. Here's a quarter. Please see a doctor as soon as possible.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    See how cutting taxes (Reagan, Bush) helps the poverty rate drop? I didn't either.

  • poorgradstudent

    But…but…Megan McArdle told me that it didn't matter if I barely had triple digits in my checking account balance; because I have a lamp and a desk fan and even King Edward III of fourteenth century England didn't, I wasn't a Poor!

  • Damn Welfare Queens, always juking the stats.

  • Biff

    Just yesterday I stepped on the throat of the youthful Amercian entrepeneurial spirit by calling 911 about a burglary in progress across the road from Casa de Biff.

  • Peckerwood_Pete

    Is that a photo of the Joads?

  • proudgrampa

    Hey, where did you find that pic of me and my mom and sister???

  • barto

    Solution: Move all the poors to a third-world country. They'll live like KINGS! Oh wait, we are a third world country…

  • Nowisallthereis

    We should take all of the idle factories out there and refit them into Soylent Green processing plants. Olds and poors will be the raw materials. The consumers will also be olds and poors, until we run out of raw materials. By then – PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!

  • owhatever

    The poorz should borrow some money from their parents and create their own multinational corporations. Or get new parents.

  • scionkirk

    Hey, it's not our fault those people chose to be a child, or old, or a woman, or black.

  • Ha! With 53% of children in Humboldt County living in poverty, we are ahead of the curve! It's like a little taste of Appalachia up here in N. Cali. I think we'll do fine, though, once we switch to a pot and seashell based economy.

  • DahBoner

    Romney says "middle income" is $200K to $250K.

    In Romney's America®, 95% of people are poor…

  • docterry6973

    When I was a kid we were working poor, living in a house with an outhouse out back. Sure it was a two-seater, but still. Public schools, two land-grant colleges, and a federal graduate fellowship got me a Ph.D and a life of comfort. But I still often feel like that poor kid infesting society, and it makes me wish a hearty fuck you to Smirky McMillionaire and all his ilk, who were born on third base and think they hit a triple.

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