Department Of Bad Analogies

Jon Kyl To U.S. Embassy: Stop Raping Yourself

Because really, do you WANT a picture of anyone in this story?Senator Jon Kyl (R-Arkham Asylum) had a very insightful analysis of the U.S. Embassy’s statement condemning religious bigotry. In a stunning combination of cluelessness, partisanship, and a basic misunderstanding of analogy, Kyl told a group of reporters

It’s like the judge telling the woman who got raped, ‘You asked for it because of the way you dressed.’ OK? That’s the same thing. ‘Well America, you should be the ones to apologize, you should have known this would happen, you should have done — what I don’t know — but it’s your fault that it happened.’ You know, for a member of our State Department to put out a statement like that, it had to be cleared by somebody. They don’t just do that in the spur of the moment.

Leaving aside the trivial detail that the Embassy’s statement said nothing about America being at fault or needing to apologize, Kyl’s odious comparison achieved epic levels of assholishness on several counts. Un: You might think that, given the late unpleasantness over Todd Akin, which threatened to derail the GOP convention, a Senator might be a tad careful when it comes to throwing around comments regarding rape. Deux: You might also think that, given his own high-profile non-factual statement about abortion being “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does,” Kyl might think a little bit before opening his stupid hack mouth. Trois: Jon Kyl is from the Great State of Arizona, where a judge prompted widespread condemnation a few days ago for actually telling a victim of sexual assault that she asked for it.

In that shining example of jurisprudence, Coconino County Judge Jacqueline Hatch found it advisable to use the sentencing hearing for the perpetrator as a forum to lecture his victim on how she invited her own sexual assault by existing in public after dark.

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Last summer, off-duty state police officer Robb Evans, already drunk, entered a Flagstaff bar, approached the victim (“a friend of a friend”) from behind, put his hand up her skirt, and groped her genitals. The jury at his trial convicted him of felony sexual abuse and he was fired by the Arizona Department of Public Safety after an internal investigation. Instead of the six months to 2 1/2 years in prison that the conviction could have brought, Judge Hatch sentenced Evans to two years of probation. He will also not have to register as a sex offender. Clearly, there must have been some pretty mitigating circumstances!

Judge Hatch, appointed to the bench by feminist icon Gov. Jan Brewer, told the victim that wantonly going to bars while in possession of a vagina is a recipe for trouble:

Bad things can happen in bars, Hatch told the victim, adding that other people might be more intoxicated than she was.

“If you wouldn’t have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you,” Hatch said.

Hatch told the victim and the defendant that no one would be happy with the sentence she gave, but that finding an appropriate sentence was her duty.

“I hope you look at what you’ve been through and try to take something positive out of it,” Hatch said to the victim in court. “You learned a lesson about friendship and you learned a lesson about vulnerability.”

Hatch said that the victim was not to blame in the case, but that all women must be vigilant against becoming victims.

“When you blame others, you give up your power to change,” Hatch said that her mother used to say.

So choose your friends carefully, ladies! You never know which friends might know someone else who is not your friend who likes to get drunk and put their hands up women’s skirts. And going to bars after dark? Well that’s just slutty. Even worse is to blame another person for walking up behind you, putting their hand up your skirt, and groping you, because if you blame someone else for that sort of thing, you actually are giving up your power to change your slutty behavior. Oh, and just to be clear, it’s not your fault. But in the future, think about this: why didn’t you stop it from happening, huh?

Also, Judge Hatch has apologized to the victim. So everything is OK now, there is no war on women.

So, getting back to Sen. Kyl: You can see how the U.S. Embassy saying that maybe religious bigotry is a bad idea is EXACTLY like blaming a rape victim. Which a judge in his state literally did. This week. One might think that Kyl would be somewhat aware of all that. Actually, this is Senator Jon Kyl, so any expectation that he would be “aware” of anything is maybe a bit optimistic.

[Atlantic Wire / ThinkProgress]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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186 comments

  1. Poindexter718

    No, Sen. Gassbag, here's the proper analogy, you pasty feck:
    Shameless opportunists (you, Mitt Romney) criticize a rape victim's (Cairo embassy's) parents (the WH) because she used less than perfect grammar in her screaming (issued an inartful press release) while the rapist (angry mob) was closing in on her.

    1. orygoon

      One might also argue that it would, in fact, be ill-advised for a girl-person to wear provocative clothing in Cairo or Sana or Riyadh or Kabul. You know what I mean?

      1. miss_grundy

        You could probably wear the full beekeeper's suit and if someone had a mind, I guess the girl could still be raped.

        Obviously, the Repubs love to talk about rape. And they haven't learned to fermez la bouche.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      Billy Currington: "God is great, beer is good, people are crazy…" Well, two out of three ain't bad. Asshole Kyl's at the real baddy bad end of the crazy spectrum. Stay out of bars, Jon because some blind, really drunk and hard up guy might grope you and discover that of the three possible things between your legs, two are missing.

  2. no_gravity

    Since Kyl is retiring at the end of this term I expect a lot more stupid to come out of him between now and January.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Could get Dr. Awesome Carmona, former Surgeon General and pretty much badass. Or Jeff Flake, the perfectly named idiot.

        Guess which one is leading in the polls (hint – it isn't the Messican sounding one).

          1. Gleem McShineys

            Last decade, off-duty Vice President Dick Cheney, already drunk, entered a Iraq, approached the victim (“a friend of a friend — Rumsfeld was Saddam's pal”) from behind, put his drills up her skirt, and pumped her oil.

            HIM? NOT CONVICTED, ALSO TOO.

    1. PsycWench

      Dunno but I remember Rush Limbaugh talking about bending over and grabbing one's ankles a lot. Clearly not HIS ankles. That would defy the laws of physics.

    2. Dashboard Buddha

      Because to them, rape is like potato chips. Rape the land, rape the environment, rape the economy, make jokes about prison rape, rape women who deserve to be raped. Rape rape rape rape rape…you can't stop at just one.

  3. Goonemeritus

    Fuck John Kyl, fuck terrorists, and especially fuck this new industry of professional inciters of Muslims.

  4. WhatTheHolyHeck

    If a train leaving Benghazi at 9 am is going 55 mph and a train leaving Sana travels in the opposite direction carrying 38 dozen squirrels, each carrying a bag with 13 vandalized Qurans, how is disavowal of one asshole's crazed rhetoric just like blaming a rape victim?

    Show your work.

  5. Estproph

    Attention Senator Stupid Kyl: If you are sitting in an embassy in Cairo when a riot breaks out in another predominantly Muslim country because of something incredibly stupid and racist that someone in the country you represent did, and you have no guidance from your superiors yet because not enough time has gone by to get that guidance, and there is a crowd forming outside your gates, and they are clearly VERY PISSED OFF…

    you just might consider saying something conciliatory, in an effort to keep things from getting worse. Just sayin'.

    1. Beowoof

      Kyl was probably having his Clint Eastwood, I am a bad ass fantasy again. Tough guy when he is 7000 miles away, but if he was in the embassy he would have a great big pant load.

    2. BoatOfVelociraptors

      You will hear the word "leadership" from republicans quite a few times in the coming weeks. For them a great leader is a man of "strength" who is able to exact as much gain as they can in any situation, even if the other parties say no. They are like Conan, the Barbarian. Hence the dead people and crying women.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yep. And I am really looking forward to the Texas Wonkette drinky meetup, if such a thing should occur…

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          I hear ya. They look like fun. I'll defintely drive if it is down there. Who other Wonketteers are from Texas? Just us?

          1. BaldarTFlagass

            Oh, we're pretty well represented here. I know HistoriCat lives in Houston, and I think Chascates lives in Austin, Fartknocker too, iTuna in Waco. there's more but I can't think of them right now.

  6. Tequila Mockingbird

    Jon Kyl speaks with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    1. Juan_Oriley

      We had a partial eclipse in SoCal this year and I was asking the folks I worked with if they knew the deal with the box with a hole in it. Last time I was around for one of these things was 30 years ago or something so I couldn't remember. The all looked at me funny when I was asking about a box with a hole in it. We could really have used an explanation from a poor guy who went blind.

  7. no_gravity

    “I hope you look at what you’ve been through and try to take something positive out of it,”

    Sort of like making lemonade out of piss.

  8. Hera Sent Me

    I gotta analogy for you, Johnny:

    A prize fighter, convinced that defeating his opponent will be no problem, instead finds himself getting his ass kicked from the first round on. By round five, he's punch-drunk and angry. Thinking through his haze that he sees an opening, he punches wildly, missing his opponent and instead hitting the turnbuckle. He howls in pain. Then the boobs in his corner start yelling at the ref that it's the opponent's fault for ducking out of the way.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Excellent point. I should have made it clear that he already considers himself free of any need to use facts.

    2. youngfred

      Good point. It wasn't an analogy, either, imho. It was more like a parable — just one point, not a consistent constellation of meanings. Kyl's people would understand this and not expect something else.

  9. KeepFnThatChicken

    In two weeks, there's been Akin, Kasich, Buchy and Kyl.

    Misrepresenting the purpose of a vaginal orgasm.
    Reminding women they were not supposed to attend the rally.
    Making assumptions on abortive motivation.
    Bad English / grammar / usage / theme.

    Legislators, all.

  10. Schmannnity

    Zombie Barry Goldwater should kick Kyl's and Judge Hatch's asses. He would probably pass on eating their "brains."

      1. GunToting[Redacted]

        Barry actually comes across as a nearly reasonable human being. I think some of his ideas were not great, but he actually had a brain, and saw the GOP dumbening coming a mile away. Fuck, if Barry was still alive, I'd rather have him on the GOP ballot than Mittens.

        1. sullivanst

          The GOP dumbening is in large part Barry's fault. He really got the ball rolling on the unthinking embrace of the furthest right policies imaginable, regardless of consequence: SSA? Kill it with fire. Grannies will starve? Fuck 'em. Labor unions? Burn them! Workers will be killed by unsafe workplaces? Fewer mouths to feed! Plus, Goldwater's epic electoral whupping wiped out much of the Republican old guard and created the openings into which the young guns who valued ideology over functioning government started to insert themselves.

          1. One_who_wanders

            But Barry would never have allied with the religious right which is the source of much of the true insanity in the GOP platform. It is his fault in the sense that they got so creamed they realized they had to fully develop the Southern Strategy and, in general, take their allies where they could find them.

          2. sullivanst

            He might not have embraced the religious right, but there's a reason the religious right has embraced Ron Paul – they realize that if libertarians ever succeed in their wet dreams of drowning the Federal government in the bathtub, it'll give them an opening to theocratize the states. Even though Goldwater would have found that outcome less desirable than Paul, he'd have enabled it all the same.

  11. Texan_Bulldog

    Maybe all the young female (or male) Senate pages should stay away from the Republican senators. Just saying…they might be asking for it if they bend over to pick up a piece of paper.

  12. Shypixel

    You are missing the larger point here, which is this:

    If the United States hadn't been having a Democrat in the White House out in public, none of this would ever have happened.

    Which is true, if you think about it. You think President Palin (You know McCain would be dead by now had he won) would have hesitated for one second to bomb the shit out of Libya when she discovered that there were Muslims living there?

    So you see, if we would have had the common sense to have a Republican in the White House, there would have been no Libyans left alive to attack our embassy.

    Why do you libtards have such trouble following simple logic?

    1. ColHeightsChic

      But as the possesser of a vagina, would President Palin be advised to lock herself in her bedroom after dark so as not to have her vagina groped too? also.

      1. Shypixel

        Well, if her Republican brethren had their druthers, this wouldn't be an issue, as President Palin would be in the White House kitchen, where she belongs..

        On a side note: do you notice how smoothly those words roll off your tongue – "President Palin"?

        Smooth, like coarse grain sandpaper over a cheese grater.

  13. StealthMuslin

    Republican guys using rape metaphors are a gift from god. A broken gift which we must never abort. Although once they're born you can abuse them all you want because Bible.

  14. sullivanst

    I see Kyl is compounding Mittens' major mistake in his wonton rush to politicize violence against Americans while it was still ongoing.

    It's hard to blame the victim by issuing a statement before the violence has occurred. That is as insane as Mitt's double-down nonsense that an Embassy under siege must clear its urgent statements hoping to defuse an imminent threat with Washington.

    How fucked up is this country that long-time politicians think that spewing this frothy bullshit is a good idea? How fucked up is it that there's even a chance that they're right about that?

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      Relax — it appears that a mere 40% of the populace is dumb enough to fall for frothy bullshit spouted by obvious morons.

  15. TheGyrus

    The people who think an embassy tweet should get clearance from the oval office are the same people who think government needs to be slashed because its too inefficient.

    1. Shypixel

      Can I like this post more than once, because I am pretty sure eleventy billion times is more than once.

      Not 100% sure though, because I refuse to let my math be dictated by fact checkers…

    2. Isyaignert

      Slightly OT, but I went to a Chamber of Commerce luncheon today where a friend who is running for the state legislature was part of a forum of people running in our district. My friend is a proponent of forming a State bank instead of using Wall St. banks.

      His opponent, a one-term incumbant and an "R" said she was against the idea because, you know, you can't trust us with your money. My jaw dropped. The cool thing is we have it on video and a commercial was born. How come the "Rs" always forget about those electronic recording devices?

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Jon Kyl's analogy is like Jon Kyle standing under an anvil with a rope attached which has a sign on it, stating: "Don't Pull Rope"…..

  16. notanncoulter

    not to be so obvious as to be pointless, but john kyl is one the biggest assholes on the planet. ever.

    and this landmark legal precedent from the other portion of this post will be gasped at and mocked for many centuries:
    “If you wouldn’t have been there that night, none of this would have happened to you,” Hatch said.

    cuz, you know, quantum physics.

  17. SexySmurf

    America was just asking for it by putting out such a short anti-Muslim video. Thirteen and a half minutes! You look like a street-walker.

  18. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    FACT CHECK: You see, if it is a legitimate storming of an Embassy, the Embassy will naturally prevent the mob from enterring. Only if it is an illegitimate storming will the Mob enter and burn the American flag.

    This statement is not intended as a factual statement.

  19. Oblios_Cap

    So Kyl thinks the Ambassador and staff that were killed were "just asking for it" since they were tweeting in the Midle East ? Everybody knows that nothing good can come from that; it's like wearing a short, tight, red dress to a Wonkette drink-a-thon.

  20. kittensdontlie

    Their is light at the end of the Stupid Tunnel:

    Kyl will not seek re-election to the Senate in 2012 and will retire at the end of his third term, which concludes on January 3, 2013, a day when just a small bit of Senatorial stupidity dies….Hallelujah.

    1. hagajim

      Unfortunately it won't die. It's Arizona, they'll just replace him with someone that's as stupid, if not stupider. I figure Judge Hatch is probably the favorite.

      1. HarryButtle

        Actually, Congressman Jeff Flake is the Republican nominee and, therefore, favorite to win because…Democrat? Not fucking likely.

  21. anniegetyerfun

    Wait, I thought that telling women that they deserved to be raped was a part of the GOP platform this year?

  22. sbj1964

    The Muzzies are always pissed about something.I would be pissed also if I had to live around that many complete religious assholes.They are almost as bad as the Southern Baptist.

  23. SmutBoffin

    Meanwhile, in Kyl's body…

    Mouth: HOLY CRAP! Brain wants to make a terrible, ill-timed, and incorrect rape analogy! What should I do?
    Lungs: I'm "shutting the whole thing down". Prepare to redirect this dumbass's comments to a different orifice!
    Ass: PTBBBBBBBBBB…put

  24. KeepFnThatChicken

    Speaking of can't-unring-a-bell, I can't wait for this asshole filmmaker, who had all the courage and dollars to make this fucking piece of shit film, to show up somewhere and start explaining his piece of shit film. Come out out hiding, goddammit. People want to axe you some questions.

    Not that I have any empathy for the murderous among the religion of peace, but fuck… why should Uncle Sam have to take the rap for this dickhead's (again) PIECE OF SHIT FILM?!

  25. MacRaith

    Doc, you keep making the same mistake. Here, I'll quote it for you: "Kyl might think a little bit before opening his stupid hack mouth." It's right there in the first three words: Kyl might think. Why, after all this time, do you still expect members of the GOP to think?

  26. LibrarianX

    Does living 40 miles from Arizona put me at risk for turning completely insane? Is it some form of radiation?

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      I've been interred here for nearly 7 years, and I'm still (reasonably) sane. At least when it comes to politics.

  27. Mumbletypeg

    Clearly Kyl is no closer to grasping the immedicacy of rape-related issues than Buchy is to mastering the wonderments of abortion's persistence in reality.
    It'd be more fun if literary devices and rhetorical devices were somehow personified into the ugly, mutant things Kyl is abusing them into — so they could team up on him and pummel the crap out of him, with Buchy as stuttering referee trying to call the play blow by blow.

  28. poorgradstudent

    For starters it's coming out now that the attacks weren't the result of spontaneous violence against an anti-Islamic film (which incidentally was apparently funded by far-right Coptic Christians under the guise of a fictional Jew in California…zany!) but a planned strike by Al Qaeda, but even when people thought it was all about some crappy movie nobody except the voices in a few right-wing pundits' heads were saying that it was all America's fault.

    I'm just assuming that's what brought out the dumb in Kyl, and not that tortured, crazy allegories about rape is just how he responds to every situation from "Someone ate all the ice cream before I could even have a bowl" on up.

    1. sullivanst

      Not clear that it was funded by the loony Coptic guy, apparently it had sank almost without a trace on YouTube until the zany Coptic dude saw it and thought "hell yeah, this'll piss of the moozies bigtime, I must make sure they all see it"

  29. JustPixelz

    I assume Kyl feels this is a legitimate rape, otherwise his analogy(?!) doesn't work.

    Yet yesterday Sarah Palin™ told Obama to grow a stick. (Hint to Sarah: Men's sticks grow themselves when you're not around.) Is she thinking Obama should be more rapey with embassies or other countries.

    So, Iraq was asking for it, right?

    1. Dashboard Buddha

      Oh ho, Sarah might counter…what about Todd's "stick"? Sorry Sarah, anything that needs to be fluffed by Bristlecone doesn't count.

  30. Callyson

    OK, in precisely what way is an expression of regret about religious prejudice–one that was expressed BEFORE the attacks in Libya took place, and consequently did NOT amount to making an excuse for the actions of the attackers–equivalent to blaming a rape victim by criticizing her attire?

    Asshole.

  31. hagajim

    Un: John Kyl is a complete dumbass.
    Deux: The Republican party is filled with assholes
    Trois: I'm so fucking glad I don't live in Arizona where apparently people are completely insane assholes.

  32. docterry6973

    Because a GOP senator making a rape analogy is the perfect cover for Romney. They are geniuses I tell you, geniuses.

  33. Callyson

    And fuck your apology, judge: it does not change the fact that a sexual predator roams the streets free to strike again. At least the Department of Public Safety had the decency to fire his sorry ass…

    Bitch.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      "At least the Department of Public Safety had the decency to fire his sorry ass… "

      Yeah, now he can pursue his interests full time.

  34. barto

    When I first read "Hatch apologized to the victim" I thought you meant the (ex) patrolman, as that would have been much more consistent with judge Hatch's exemplary judicial style.

  35. smitallica

    Yes, Kyl. Muslims getting all riled up about a film that was made SOLELY for the purpose of riling them up is EXACTLY like rape. You ignorant fuckwad.

  36. YouBetcha

    I just love it when idiotic, paternalistic men discuss rape like they have an iota of what the fuck they're talking about. It's so sexy.

    No but really, fuck him hard. Sideways. With a rusty hand saw.

  37. FakaktaSouth

    Someone should sneak up behind that "judge" and rip off her robe and stop this bitch's mouth from moving. It's not her FAULT she's an idiot who has no business dealing with victims of gross crimes, it's just you know, when we don't protect ourselves from morons, we give up our right to not have terrible people in positions of power.

  38. CarolinaStewPie

    Sharia law would solve the whole thing, Senator Kyl. If we only let the great usurper Kenyan Socialist in chief implement it across this great land the way he wants, that slutty bitch in Arizona would be home in her burka and the Muslim Brotherhood would love us all over the Arab World. Less slutty sluts parading around with their wanton and lascivious vaginas, AND cheap oil. It's a win/win. Now I need to go get a few drinks at my favorite Moozlim hangout..the Allah Ak BAR.

  39. ffredpalakon

    Well, I for one am grateful for this rape analogy. No doubt this means America's female biology will kick in to prevent any lasting consequences. But even if it doesn't, it's already got an abortion, in Jon Kyl.

    Do you hear that, Kyl? You're actually what you hate most in the world. It's like the end of Planet of the Apes when Charlton Heston discovered he was actually manufactured out of Soylent Green.

  40. proudgrampa

    "It’s like the judge telling the woman who got raped, ‘You asked for it because of the way you dressed.’ OK? "

    What?

    What The Fuck??

    Pu-leeze, if there is justice in this universe, smite this asshole.

  41. ColHeightsChic

    By counting in French, all you do is prove your allegiance to the elite liberal media. Stoopid French Frey loving lamestream media lackey.

  42. Boojum

    I'm so not enjoying these assholes. Right now, after reading my client's psych records and seeing this shit, I fucking hate all men.

  43. BerkeleyBear

    Having gone through the FSO selection process once (and been selected for it twice – I backed out last time because my family was moving) I can say that the individual officers have to deal with shit like this riot a lot. They routinely are expected to independently deal with people who are pissed of at any number of things and taking it out on the Americans because they make easy targets. The number one goal in that setting is to calm the angry nuts the fuck down, if at all possible in a way that makes them walk away with a marginally better understanding of America's professed values of tolerance and multiculturalism. Because (outside of the Bush Admin Baghdad Embassy/green zone nightmare) they don't have the luxury of just cutting themselves off from the society they are tasked with living in.

    In other words, John Kyl isn't worthy to kiss any of these people's asses, much less say anything about their conduct. His retirement package should include a one way ticket to serve as a Public Information Officer in Kabul – I suspect he'd make it about 2 seconds before he insulted someone so badly he would gain all sorts of new insights about sexual assault.

  44. Sassomatic

    Let me see if I can play the analogy game:

    I am a white person(s) living in a mostly black neighborhood. If I were to stand on my stoop shouting the n word at whoever happened to be passing by, and my partner came out the door and said, "Hey! I'm not cool with this, bro!" and then my neighbor, who is also a white person(s) got beat down by some passing person(s) of color not possessed of a whole lot of patience, given to violent tendencies, and associating my white neighbor with the racial-slur-shouting white person of myself, my partner would then be guilty of "apologizing for our values," thus causing the beat down, and also "blaming the victim," despite the fact that the racial-slur-shouter and the beat-down-getter are separate parties.

    This took me about ten minutes to work out and I still don't understand.

  45. ttommyunger

    I get it: Kyl is trying to win the coveted "Dumbest Motherfucker in the World" Title from Hologram Zombie Gerald Ford, amirite?

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