A Children’s Treasury Of Wonkette’s War With Philadelphia

Oyez oyez, it is now time to commemorate the Great Wonkette Liberal Thing War. We arrived at Drinking Liberally, Philly City Center chapter, and proceeded to rumble/dance-fight with their big bear of a host. Obviously, and all the duhs, we won.

We will let you identify yourselves in the hot pix below.

It says "needz moar Riley"

And that is how we defeated Philadelphia Drinking Liberally and took all their women. New York City, you are tonight.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Terry

    Time to give up the smoking, Wonketters! Didn't your Mommas tell you it was bad for you? Don't give your hard earned ameros to the tobacco companies.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      So an elderly lady friend of mine on FB posted a pic of her smoking a cigarette. I responded basically 'cute picture-not so cute cigarette'. She responded back that there were worst things she could be doing. I started to respond that I couldn't think of much worse things than inhaling cancer-causing carcinogens into your lungs but decided it wasn't worth it. (And I don't mind smokers at all. But most of them know it's bad for their health–not so with this lady.)

    2. HistoriCat

      Ha – my daughter (5 yo) freaks out every time she sees someone smoking. She thinks we should tell them that smoking is bad for you. She's very concerned that they don't know.

      1. Terry

        My nieces are the same. They lecture the smoker and if unable to do that, they lecture the adults around them about the smoker.

      2. Incitefully_Joe

        Haha, I totally got my mom to quit smoking when I was 3 years old. She had just had my sister, and she had cut back but not quit, and every time she lit up, I would say, "But mommy, smoking kills the fetus!"

        I was a very precocious 3 year old.

    3. BoroPrimorac

      I'm on my third week of nicotine sobriety. Thus far quitting hasn't been as hard as I thought. I should've done this shit ten years ago.

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        It's weird for me. I know The Personality runs in my family in a big way, so I avoid gambling totally and try to watch the way I drink, but tobacco never got its claws into me the way I sometimes fear things might. I light up once in a blue moon, but can pretty easily go months or years without a second thought.

        Which is convenient, because it means I never have to buy cigarettes at New York prices.

        1. BoroPrimorac

          I started the same way. I'd light up every now and again while out drinking with friends, then all of a sudden I was smoking a pack a day. I had to quit because I was starting to get all paranoid about my health. I'm only 36 years old so hopefully I haven't damaged my lungs too much.

          1. Incitefully_Joe

            Ugh I can't even imagine smoking a pack a day, or even more than two in an evening honestly, I always regret it for the rest of the weekend because the ashtray taste never goes away.

            Of course, being scrupulously honest, I end up writing on my employee health forms that I smoke 1/2100th of a pack a day.

        1. Geminisunmars

          I quit a while ago. 30 years 7 months and 9 days ago. But who's counting. (Truthfully, whenever I feel weak about something I tell myself that I did manage to quit smoking, so whatever is currently challenging me ain't no big deal.) (And what helped keep me motivated was thinking about how the tabacky companies had sold me into addiction.)

        2. BoroPrimorac

          Here's a little tip that has helped me with my cravings. I play a little game in my mind where I imagine myself swimming across a vast lake. The more days without smoking I have under my belt, the further away from shore I get. If I'm tempted to cheat, I first think of all the distance I've covered and think what a pain in the ass it would be to start from zero again. The craving subsides soon after.

          1. ChuckieJesus

            I'm 40 years old, been smoking since Gulf War 1, with about 2 – 3 years clean there due to either being pregnant with my kid (found out six months into Gulf War 1 fwiw), or just being awesome and not smoking for a year because I was somehow able to pull it off.

            It's an epidemic amongst us commie socialist state and municipal and city workers, believe it or not. From what it looks like around 10:15, 12, 3:15, and 5, anyway.

    4. Callyson

      For real–it broke my heart to see so many Wonketteers smoking at the Los Angeles get together. Any of you who need support and advice, this ex-smoker is happy to help…

  2. Tundra Grifter

    I like that next-to-last photo – that gentleman appears to holding a card describing (r)Money's foreign policy.

    1. Chet Kincaid_

      Even more frightening is the guy with the "Riley" card, who has successfully pulled off the Breitbart facial expression!! What if he is not dead, but merely facially-reconstructed after a near-fatal accident?!

    1. actor212

      Right? And I only count five people drinking. Five! And there must be a total of 20 people in those pitchers…pictures, I mean!

      Hell, it's only 10:30 and I'm already war-*hic*-ming up!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Because you literally (joe biden) didn't get off your ass and go. I TOLD you I'd wrangle you wherever, but, no. So now you can't complain.

    2. mrpuma2u

      They picked up their libations, and then the moved them towards their mouths and drank. They then repeated this motion many many times. That's how.

    1. FakaktaSouth

      In Atlanta we were allowed to smoke INSIDE! It was crazy, I felt so lawless! (we are NOT allowed to do that in Alerbummer, not never, not nowheres.)

      1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

        In Seattle one is only allowed to smoke after they have made an $800 donation to the American Cancer Society and are standing at least 102 yards away from any other person, animal, window, door or porous surface. It's the law! Also, only vegan cigarettes are sold in the city limits.

        Pot is cool, though. Even the cops smoke it.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Oh geez, now I gotta figure out how to move to Seattle. I like EVERYthing about it now. (I love gloom, and you know, that other stuff, and YOU, oh we would have so much fun. Gymnastic Pornos in the rain, how could we go wrong?)

          1. anniegetyerfun

            But in Seattle, everyone else glares at you for smoking, and you'll occasionally get a lecture about the importance of breastfeeding. Even if you're a dude. So, you know, it's kind of a mixed blessing.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Bleh. As the only wannabe hippie commie liberal in my state, I am used to being glared at, so it'll be all right. And in spite of the my Patchouli-wishes and granola-dreams, luckily these things I got here have been officially registered as a fun only zone, that shit skeeves me out. (lecturers about it too)

          3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            Oh, and I almost forgot. You must act sufficiently guilty and talk about how you are going to quit next month.

          4. weejee

            So I won't mention that my cuz who just completed the Pacific Crest Trail got rained on all of 5 minutes while in Washington. Of course when clearing TSA this morn to fly back to Missouri he had to sign the paperwork that it rained on him every single day while he was in Washington, as it does for sure and for true. Just like BSFD's comments about smoking tobacco in Seattle is a Class A felony.

          5. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            You should move here! You probably wouldn't use the caps lock as much if you weren't around all of those wingnuts all the time.

          6. BigSkullF*ckingDog

            I almost forgot! The local alternative paper in Seattle actually puts on a yearly armature porn competition. It's called Humpfest. Just sayin.

          7. FakaktaSouth

            WOOT WOOT, that's riiiight, I read about that in Savage Love one time! I'm getting on my elliptical now! Must get ready for our Humpfest, um, submission, so to speak. That way I can tax write off my move to Seattle, AND exercise equipment AND humping! No ordinary dumb housewife am I…I gotta fucking plan now bitches…

        2. BoatOfVelociraptors

          SmokeEasies existed for a while, but they nailed the Mercury. But up on 15th, I hear rumors of a keycoded room.

      2. Biff

        This is why a Las Vegas drinky thing is a necessity. Smoking is not only allowed, it's required! 24/7/365, all the time with the drinking, and the smoking…

      3. SorosBot

        There are a few bars where you can smoke in Philly; they can get an exception from the ban if they only make a small amount of their money from food. But the vast majority are non-smoking now, which is fine this time of year but not so fun in January or February.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          Yes, we glamorous types are all about the perks, baby! I'ma MAKE you go to Chicago's thing if I can figure out how to get out of O'Hare…

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Oh how freaking awesome, we could go see the family manse, where the talent inspiring beatings started it allllll!

          2. Chet Kincaid_

            Little Michael just wanted to grow up to be Diana Ross! Is that so wrong?!

            At a family reunion in the '90s, we went to the Motown Museum in Detroit, which was very cool. It's the first two family houses that Berry Gordy bought as company HQ; the recording studio was the garage in the back. At their height in the Detroit days, I think they had 9 houses in a row, joined by second story walkways, to house all of the departments. Now there's just the original two, on a block where all the other buildings have been demolished.

      1. SorosBot

        We were at a place next to McGlinchey's, not McG's itself; which is good, because they are famous for having a surly and rude, not to mention slow, staff.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Oh my, I feel like being yelled at by guy in picture number one would be hilarious. What the fuck are you looking at, indeed…

      1. Mumbletypeg

        He's been over near Czechoslovakia teaching English.. Returned to U.S. when their school year let out, and last heard from around Charlotte during convention time.

  4. Mumbletypeg

    I will imagine some of y'all are reaching the point in those photos of doin the interpretive dance stage of the evening as I did in the DC one … where the music was so loud to hear over, I had to flail my arms and gesticulate a lot to make up for / overcompensate the hearing loss. All while holding a beer *and* a ciggie, too.

  5. Magic Sam

    When will you be gracing the drinking establishments of Denver with your presence? I wish for the opportunity to attempt to seduce the Editrix. For FREEDUMB.

    1. CrunchyKnee

      Indeed. We have many fine establishments in Denver in which to further damage our collective libtard livers.

    1. KeepFnThatChicken

      I smoked for 22 years. If I ever get the word I have something terminal, I'm fucking starting back. Until then, I hate those stinky things.

  6. SorosBot

    I'm the redhead in the glasses with the brown shirt over a black T-shirt; it was actually kind of chilly Tuesday, thus all the long-sleeved shirts.

      1. SorosBot

        Yes, it is. She's right next to me at the moment and trying to comment with here iPad, which is apparently a pain in the ass.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Well, that would add to Stefan's description of the event.

      "This place has everything, Midget Economists, Earnest Liberals, and Wonketeers".

  7. MissTaken

    In the final pic Editrix and I are engaged in a very serious discussion about the composition of scents that create Eau de Obama

    1. Chichikovovich

      Well now that I've seen the other half as well, I multiply my San Fran reaction by 2. You two are one great looking couple.

  8. thatsitfortheother1

    1. Illegitimate. Needz moar blurry.

    2. Restrooms on the third floor? What do you think empty pitchers are for?

    3. And the dude's cartouche is misspelled. There are two snakes in "When do I get some?"

  9. Baconzgood

    Sooooooo close. DC, Phili, and NYC are places I go to alot for work. But alas because I'm losing my job I'm too busy here in PGH to go and "visit clients" in those cities. Fuckey fuck fuckareno.

    1. Mumbletypeg

      Don't you start talking about job loss, we here enjoy too much your tales from the desk-deranged side, O Mighty Afro'd Whitey. Also and unemployment sucks, too and such.

    2. Terry

      Have one of those sandwiches for lunch that have the french fries in them. That will either cheer you up, or have you sleeping at your desk in the afternoon.

  10. Pres.Beeblebrox

    Damn, it looks like I missed a good time due to ye Grippe which has had me down for the count for much of this week.

    Did anyone flash/moon Ben Franklin's grave? He would have liked that, because philandering and all that.

  11. Jus_Wonderin

    Rebecca, I swear I won't whine any more. I was seriously thinking of flying up for the one tonight though. But I have to fire someone tomorrow.

  12. JackDempsey1

    I almost went. [I live on the R3 Septa line in Wallingford.]
    Unfortunately, my kids are at the stage of life where they refuse to go anywhere that lacks a well-appointed ball pit.

  13. finallyhappy

    you were at McGlinchey's????? I was right down Latimer street on Saturday night-when you were in DC. So when We win the election, will we have another DC thing? Not election night because I'll probably be cold and wet and tired and coming back from god awful Loudoun county- maybe the same polling place as last time where Donald Trump now owns the golf course/country club

  14. TJBeck

    So I have one friggin' cigarette in six months and it's posted all over the intertubes. Now I know how Obamerz feels.

  15. iamrrm

    Sadly, I can never attend a Wonkette drinky thingy. I would go from self-righteous quitter to lighting one cig from the butt of the last the instant that I walked through the door.

    1. SorosBot

      Most of the other attendees were lurkers, though I'm hoping some may start commenting more. And the bearded man with Rebecca in the second pic is none other than Atrios.

    2. SaintNixon

      I'm the creep in the first photo. Everyone there was super-cool and nice, even the DL nerds. Soros and MissT are totes adorbs, only Lady Editor and I were a more charming couple. Did need moar Riley, though. But isn't that always the case?

  16. SaintNixon

    PRO TIP ® for NYC Wonkits: Tell the pretty Lady Editor ("Editrix") how pretty she is and give her a giant bottle of Obama smell-goods.

  17. rileywaggs

    don't take this the wrong way, but why is it always bearded men who want moar of me? All I wanted in life was to touch some boobies……… sigh.

    1. SaintNixon

      I made that fancy "moar Riley" index card sign to pass around…and, duh, I don't have no whiskers. Gimme moar.

  18. jamsie25

    Who is that guy in the first picture? Wow, what a total hunk! Really, he's dishy! He sort of reminds me of a DJ I used to know and still love. I wish I had attended the party so I could have met him!

  19. actor212

    You know, it's funny you say that. As I was fapping thinking this morning, I wondered how she managed to pack enough for a three week trip away from home.

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