INCORPORATED AMERICANS  11:50 am September 12, 2012

Journalism Hero ‘Twitter’ Bravely Supports First Amendment, Dirty Hippies

by Kris E. Benson

artist's rendering of suspectBeing an Incorporated American is kind of a mixed bag, as we are discovering. Since it is impossible to put Incorporated Americans in jail, or to put their logos and mascots in jail, the only way to punish an Incorporated American is to take away some of its money Speech. We learn this via a brave action by Incorporated American “Twitter,” which has refused to turn over information on some dirty hippie #Occupyer’s twantings and twavings. But unlike, say, “journalism hero” Judy Miller, is there actually any sort of punishment which it might face if it continues to flout some dick judge’s order? Well, no, not really.

Twitter Inc. has to turn over information about an Occupy Wall Street protester’s posts or face a fine, a judge ruled, giving the company three days to show it isn’t in contempt of court.

New York State Supreme Court Judge Matthew A. Sciarrino Jr. in Manhattan today said Twitter must produce the information by Sept. 14 or provide its earnings statements from the last two quarters so he can decide on a fine….

“I can’t put Twitter or the little blue bird in jail, so the only way to punish is monetarily,” Sciarrino said.

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, it should be noted that your Wonkette is sympathetic to those commie pinkos in the Occupy movement. It should also be noted that your Wonkette is also pretty fond of the Fourth Amendment. HOWEVER, we are also intrigued by this new precedent wherein we (and by “we” we mean “Incorporated Americans”  just have to give up a little bit of our First Amendment rights (i.e. Speech) if we do not feel like complying with a judge’s order to do something, as well as this revelation that Incorporated Americans are just like people, except minus the part where they can be held accountable for anything, because there are now only three available punishments in American courts of law.

[Bloomberg]

 
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{ 60 comments }

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 11:52 am

I solved that problem. I've already incorporated

Signed,
Actor212 LLC

(a wholly owned subsidiary of Actor212 Enterprises, a Cayman Islands Corporation)

PS I will be offline for the rest of the day getting my pubes cornrowed for tomorrow night.

Incitefully_Joe September 12, 2012 at 11:57 am

Incitefully_Joe is a wholly owned subsidiary of Websnark Management Company, LLC.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Hell, I incorporated back when Reagan took office, so I could get on the government tit of sweet sweet corporate subsidies.

PS Actor I thought us guys were all supposed to be "manscaped" these days.

UnholyMoses September 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

I thought us guys were all supposed to be "manscaped" these days.

We are?

Huh …

brb

Biff September 12, 2012 at 2:38 pm

I play along, but it's about like shaving a bald spot in the middle of my head, being all hirsute and all…

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 8:38 am

Cornrowing IS manscaping, just not talked about much because of the pain!

ow,

no_gravity September 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Will you give me a job at Actor212 LLC?

Guppy September 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I think it's cheaper and easier to just set up a Delaware residency.

proudgrampa September 12, 2012 at 1:52 pm

So since you're a Corporation People, will you be my friend?

And give me a job, also? Too?

actor212 September 13, 2012 at 8:41 am

Indeed there are jobs available!

Just check your email for an item titled "Maek $ Work At Home" from one of my Nigerian affiliates.

gullywompr September 12, 2012 at 11:56 am

Money = speech, right? Therefor the judge can't fine them either, because that's a restriction of the First Amendment. Suck it, judge!

pdiddycornchips September 12, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Wait until the judge finds out all their earnings are in Bitcoins.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bitcoin

HempDogbane September 12, 2012 at 11:57 am

Based on what I've been reading on Sullivan lately, the Twitter bird will soon be killed and eaten by a cat, a cruel but not unusual punishment.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Cats will be cats, and cats will be cruel
Cats can be callous, and cats can be cool
Cats will be cats, remember these words
Cats will be cats, and cats eat birds

James Michael Curley September 12, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Thank you Mr. Mistoffelees.

ChillBill September 12, 2012 at 11:57 am

Douchebag judge flips the bird, details at 11.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

Well, I certainly won't be masturbating to this post.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 12, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Why not?

WhatTheHeck September 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

The blue bird of Paradise has flown up this Judge’s ass.

SayItWithWookies September 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

Vance’s office said it only seeks subscriber information linking Harris to the account at issue, and tweets that were already publicly disseminated. Twitter has said that if the information was public, Vance’s office wouldn’t have to subpoena it.

This internet thing, it's so complicated. I'm pretty sure the Library of Congress caches all public tweets too, but that might just make too much sense to suggest they look there.

LastGasp September 12, 2012 at 11:58 am

If only the Nazi Party had thought to incorporate — they could have avoided all the unpleasantness of the Nuremberg Trials and imprisonment.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Nazi's are people too, my friend.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 11:59 am

I guess if this judge was so interested in the Occupy person's tweets, he should have followed him on Twitter.

SexySmurf September 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Twitter Inc. has to turn over information about an Occupy Wall Street protester’s posts or face a fine

I don't do the Twitter because I'm not "hip," but I thought all those twats were as public as Anthony Weiner's penis.

Me_K_Cong September 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm

It's Nice of the judge to base Twitter's penalty on their ability to pay.

AddHomonym September 12, 2012 at 12:34 pm

The sliding scales of justice!

Lascauxcaveman September 12, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The joke is on the judge. Since Twitter has had operating losses since, well, forever, the judge is going to end up paying them a couple of mil.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 12, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Great! Twitter has finally found a revenue source!

a_pink_poodle September 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Wonkette is a pinko liberal communist Islamist publication?! Why wasn't I informed earlier?

hagajim September 12, 2012 at 12:03 pm

"I can’t put Twitter or the little blue bird in jail"

I guess this means that corporations are not people my friends.

sullivanst September 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm

They're very convenient people, in that they're only people when it's convenient for them to be.

HistoriCat September 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Ambrose Bierce said it best, "Corporation – n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

mrpuma2u September 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

I am surprised the central scrutinizers aren't beating up twitter more. Clearly this is technology that allows smarty pants little subversive shits to out think and out maneuver the authorities.

I guess it also allows stupid right wing morons to bloviate digitally so they think it evens out..

KeepFnThatChicken September 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

(@MattSciarrinoii) Fkn Twitter. Take that, bitches. #occupydeeznutz

freakishlywrong September 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Whadda Twunt.

UnholyMoses September 12, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Twitter: Nevr b4 hav so many ben able 2 say so little in so few characters #corporationsarepeopletoounlesspunishmentisinvolvedthennotsomuch

DahBoner September 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Your hash tag is long, but worthwhile…

Blueb4sinrise September 12, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Just wait until the judge finds out what teh googlez will turn-up.
http://www.gowanuslounge.com/wp-content/uploads/2

bobbert September 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm

GAAHHH

Mahousu September 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Twitter is beginning to supply the judge with its earnings statement, 140 characters at a time. It expects to be done sometime next August.

LesBontemps September 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Sheesh, by being so civil rightsy, Twitter is just trying to make me sign up for an account.

Goonemeritus September 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Speaking of Corporations, is Wonkette offering a dental plan this year?

YouBetcha September 12, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Tweets are people too, my friends.

kittensdontlie September 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm

"I know why the caged bird tweets, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,
When he beats his bars and would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings –
I know why the caged bird tweets. "
(From Sympathy with apologies to Paul Lawrence Dunbar)

calliecallie September 12, 2012 at 12:15 pm

This judge is a dupe, and probably looking for some kind of payout. Seems like he could order Twitter's CEO or Board of Directors to spend a little time in the slammer for failure to comply with a court order. They are responsible for their corporation, after all.

The sooner they start doing that with some of these corporations that ignore the law, the quicker they'll see some change. Money spent on lawyers and fines is just a tax write-off.

oenspiek September 12, 2012 at 12:28 pm

The last few juries I got stuck on had to listen to lectures about how awful 'jury nullification' was. I guess 'bench nullifcation' isn't as bad, for some reason.

Doesn't the 'Citizens United' decision mandate throwing corporate boards in the slammer for a few fiscal years of anal rape? No? Gosh, I must have read it wrong.

pdiddycornchips September 12, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Wait a minute, if they started putting CEO's and board of directors in orange jump suits for failing to comply with the law, then who would run our banks? Our mining companies? Our energy companies? I mean, so once in a while banks tell little white lies during foreclosure proceedings. Occasionally, mining companies don't do all that expensive health and safety stuff they've promised to do the last time one of their mines collapsed and killed a few people. So what if our energy companies destroy our drinking water and pollute our oceans after signing consent decree's promising not to do so. It's no ones fault really. It's certainly not the fault of the guys who make hundreds of millions of dollars running these companies. If people have to die and whole communities suffer because of their actions, well, that's the price we have to pay. Otherwise, all our job creators will move to North Wazirstan and take all those good non union jobs with them.

UnholyMoses September 12, 2012 at 12:16 pm

The judge should fine the folks at Archive.org for not including Twitter in their Way Back Machine.

Beowoof September 12, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Oh noes, people hiding behind the first amendment for the vicious shit they say on twitter. Who do they think they are the National Enquirer?

PsycWench September 12, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Sarah Palin.

EatsBabyDingos September 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Protecting the rich, he is now known as the Board Man of Alcatraz. And what song izit you wanna hear? FREEEEEEBIRD!

StarsUponThars September 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Now THIS is a dick judge:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHad6_Cuhwg

An_Outhouse September 12, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Ha Ha judge, twitter is still losing money so no fine $$ for you!

eggsacklywright September 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Chippin' away at that dumbshit constitution. Takes time, but judge is on the job.

An_Outhouse September 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Since $$=speech according to the Supreme Court and you can't take my speech away, its in the constitution, then the next time I get a traffic fine, I will argue that it is infringing on my free speech rights.

Baconzgood September 12, 2012 at 12:33 pm

#freedomofspeechisgood.

pdiddycornchips September 12, 2012 at 12:37 pm

We are deeply sorry and are moving quickly to resolve this situation and right this wrong.
That should get us off the hook right? It worked for Wells Fargo.

Sincerely,
The Blue Twitter Bird

MinAgain September 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm

I read this article and the Bloomberg article, and I still can't figure out what it is the court wants to subpoena.

ttommyunger September 12, 2012 at 7:12 pm

Subpoener? I barely knew her!

Negropolis September 13, 2012 at 2:27 am

I know why the caged bird sings…

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