Incorporated Americans

Journalism Hero ‘Twitter’ Bravely Supports First Amendment, Dirty Hippies

artist's rendering of suspectBeing an Incorporated American is kind of a mixed bag, as we are discovering. Since it is impossible to put Incorporated Americans in jail, or to put their logos and mascots in jail, the only way to punish an Incorporated American is to take away some of its money Speech. We learn this via a brave action by Incorporated American “Twitter,” which has refused to turn over information on some dirty hippie #Occupyer’s twantings and twavings. But unlike, say, “journalism hero” Judy Miller, is there actually any sort of punishment which it might face if it continues to flout some dick judge’s order? Well, no, not really.

Twitter Inc. has to turn over information about an Occupy Wall Street protester’s posts or face a fine, a judge ruled, giving the company three days to show it isn’t in contempt of court.

New York State Supreme Court Judge Matthew A. Sciarrino Jr. in Manhattan today said Twitter must produce the information by Sept. 14 or provide its earnings statements from the last two quarters so he can decide on a fine….

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“I can’t put Twitter or the little blue bird in jail, so the only way to punish is monetarily,” Sciarrino said.

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, it should be noted that your Wonkette is sympathetic to those commie pinkos in the Occupy movement. It should also be noted that your Wonkette is also pretty fond of the Fourth Amendment. HOWEVER, we are also intrigued by this new precedent wherein we (and by “we” we mean “Incorporated Americans”  just have to give up a little bit of our First Amendment rights (i.e. Speech) if we do not feel like complying with a judge’s order to do something, as well as this revelation that Incorporated Americans are just like people, except minus the part where they can be held accountable for anything, because there are now only three available punishments in American courts of law.

[Bloomberg]

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About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson

Hola wonkerados.

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60 comments

  1. actor212

    I solved that problem. I've already incorporated

    Signed,
    Actor212 LLC

    (a wholly owned subsidiary of Actor212 Enterprises, a Cayman Islands Corporation)

    PS I will be offline for the rest of the day getting my pubes cornrowed for tomorrow night.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Hell, I incorporated back when Reagan took office, so I could get on the government tit of sweet sweet corporate subsidies.

      PS Actor I thought us guys were all supposed to be "manscaped" these days.

  2. gullywompr

    Money = speech, right? Therefor the judge can't fine them either, because that's a restriction of the First Amendment. Suck it, judge!

  3. HempDogbane

    Based on what I've been reading on Sullivan lately, the Twitter bird will soon be killed and eaten by a cat, a cruel but not unusual punishment.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Cats will be cats, and cats will be cruel
      Cats can be callous, and cats can be cool
      Cats will be cats, remember these words
      Cats will be cats, and cats eat birds

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Vance’s office said it only seeks subscriber information linking Harris to the account at issue, and tweets that were already publicly disseminated. Twitter has said that if the information was public, Vance’s office wouldn’t have to subpoena it.

    This internet thing, it's so complicated. I'm pretty sure the Library of Congress caches all public tweets too, but that might just make too much sense to suggest they look there.

  5. LastGasp

    If only the Nazi Party had thought to incorporate — they could have avoided all the unpleasantness of the Nuremberg Trials and imprisonment.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    I guess if this judge was so interested in the Occupy person's tweets, he should have followed him on Twitter.

  7. SexySmurf

    Twitter Inc. has to turn over information about an Occupy Wall Street protester’s posts or face a fine

    I don't do the Twitter because I'm not "hip," but I thought all those twats were as public as Anthony Weiner's penis.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      The joke is on the judge. Since Twitter has had operating losses since, well, forever, the judge is going to end up paying them a couple of mil.

  8. hagajim

    "I can’t put Twitter or the little blue bird in jail"

    I guess this means that corporations are not people my friends.

      1. HistoriCat

        Ambrose Bierce said it best, "Corporation – n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."

  9. mrpuma2u

    I am surprised the central scrutinizers aren't beating up twitter more. Clearly this is technology that allows smarty pants little subversive shits to out think and out maneuver the authorities.

    I guess it also allows stupid right wing morons to bloviate digitally so they think it evens out..

  10. UnholyMoses

    Twitter: Nevr b4 hav so many ben able 2 say so little in so few characters #corporationsarepeopletoounlesspunishmentisinvolvedthennotsomuch

  11. Mahousu

    Twitter is beginning to supply the judge with its earnings statement, 140 characters at a time. It expects to be done sometime next August.

  12. kittensdontlie

    "I know why the caged bird tweets, ah me,
    When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,
    When he beats his bars and would be free;
    It is not a carol of joy or glee,
    But a prayer that he sends from his heart's deep core,
    But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings –
    I know why the caged bird tweets. "
    (From Sympathy with apologies to Paul Lawrence Dunbar)

  13. calliecallie

    This judge is a dupe, and probably looking for some kind of payout. Seems like he could order Twitter's CEO or Board of Directors to spend a little time in the slammer for failure to comply with a court order. They are responsible for their corporation, after all.

    The sooner they start doing that with some of these corporations that ignore the law, the quicker they'll see some change. Money spent on lawyers and fines is just a tax write-off.

    1. oenspiek

      The last few juries I got stuck on had to listen to lectures about how awful 'jury nullification' was. I guess 'bench nullifcation' isn't as bad, for some reason.

      Doesn't the 'Citizens United' decision mandate throwing corporate boards in the slammer for a few fiscal years of anal rape? No? Gosh, I must have read it wrong.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Wait a minute, if they started putting CEO's and board of directors in orange jump suits for failing to comply with the law, then who would run our banks? Our mining companies? Our energy companies? I mean, so once in a while banks tell little white lies during foreclosure proceedings. Occasionally, mining companies don't do all that expensive health and safety stuff they've promised to do the last time one of their mines collapsed and killed a few people. So what if our energy companies destroy our drinking water and pollute our oceans after signing consent decree's promising not to do so. It's no ones fault really. It's certainly not the fault of the guys who make hundreds of millions of dollars running these companies. If people have to die and whole communities suffer because of their actions, well, that's the price we have to pay. Otherwise, all our job creators will move to North Wazirstan and take all those good non union jobs with them.

  14. Beowoof

    Oh noes, people hiding behind the first amendment for the vicious shit they say on twitter. Who do they think they are the National Enquirer?

  15. EatsBabyDingos

    Protecting the rich, he is now known as the Board Man of Alcatraz. And what song izit you wanna hear? FREEEEEEBIRD!

  16. An_Outhouse

    Since $$=speech according to the Supreme Court and you can't take my speech away, its in the constitution, then the next time I get a traffic fine, I will argue that it is infringing on my free speech rights.

  17. pdiddycornchips

    We are deeply sorry and are moving quickly to resolve this situation and right this wrong.
    That should get us off the hook right? It worked for Wells Fargo.

    Sincerely,
    The Blue Twitter Bird

  18. MinAgain

    I read this article and the Bloomberg article, and I still can't figure out what it is the court wants to subpoena.

Comments are closed.