A small victory for America

Joe Arpaio Cancels Birtherpalooza Festival When No One Buys Tickets

Good... Let the hate flow through you...Take your Teabagger weapon. Use it...Useless old spite bitch Joe Arpaio was planning a big smelly Birtherfest for September 22, but now it looks like instead of hanging out with Pat Boone (who is still alive, apparently?) and heroic order-disobeying Army doctor Terry Lakin, he will just have to spend the day doing his job as Maricopa County Sheriff instead, because the event was cancelled due to abysmal ticket sales.

Haha, we are just kidding. Joe Arpaio is far too important to merely do his job. Come to think of it, the good people of Maricopa County are probably safer when Arpaio just stays the hell off the streets.

Arpaio’s flunkies took pains to reassure Patriotic wingnuts that his “investigation” of Barack Obama’s birf certificate is nonetheless continuing, as is Arpaio’s relentless campaign to protect his trademark as “America’s Toughest Sheriff.” We have long maintained that it is unfair of him to claim this title before the results of the cookoff are in.

[Phoenix New Times]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    It's not so much that Arpaio cancelled it as the people who refused to buy tickets cancelled it for him, the treasonous Islamofascist loving bastards.

    It's nice to see Uncle Joe get hoist on his own petar'

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Hoisted on his own retard.

    • vinny9698

      Just like Palin, Newt, Cain, and the rest of the loonies, all trying to profit off their ignorance.

  • eggsacklywright

    Wingnut Obergruppensherrif fail.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Epischen Scheitern

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Epischen Scheisse.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Es war mehr ein kleines Scheißhaufen

          • thatsitfortheother1

            LOL. Meine hover craft ist voll mit Scheißhaufen.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Lassen Sie Ihre Höschen Herr Wilhelm, ich kann nicht bis zum Mittag warten!

            (I never knew how easy that would be to find a translation for…)

          • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

            Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

  • eggsacklywright

    Wannabe midwife to the birfers.

  • JustPixelz

    In hindsight, requiring ID that meets birther standards to buy tickets was a mistake.

    • OneYieldRegular

      As was the requirement that attendees all wear pink underwear.

  • noodlesalad

    Why would I buy a ticket for something I can see on FauxNews 24/7 from the comfort of my own barcalounger? No need to break out the hoveround.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Plus, it's hot there.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        But it's a dry heat

        • noodlesalad

          With a hint of sulphur and brimstone.

  • Terry

    When is he up for reelection?

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Currently. They are running nostalgic "Meet the real Joe" ads emphasizing his past work in law enforcement, including being shot at twice. I hate people with poor aim.

      • Terry

        I hope a viable candidate is running against him. All but the hard core tea baggers in his district HAVE to be tired of him.

        • Guppy

          Forget it, Terry. It's Arizona.

  • SnarkOff

    Great. I already took the fetuses out of the freezer for the barbecue.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You can still put them in the mocrowave and pop them for the squabble that's about to start.

      • SnarkOff

        I find they lose their crunch in the microwave.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Have you tried glazing them with sugar first?

          • chicken_thief

            A light coat of butter and a little cinnamon sugar – fucking awesome!

        • thatsitfortheother1

          You'll be needing the handy 12oz box of Fetus Helper then…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Oh, were you going to grill up some fajeetus? Mmm.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        D'oh!

        So obvious, yet so beautiful…I'll need to steal use this with full attribution…

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Actually, I stole this from myself, in a post of several months ago…

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Win!

  • no_gravity

    This is really bad news for the birf certificate cottage industry and coming on the heels that WingNutDaily said that birtherism is not profitable. Obama's such a job killer.

  • Misty Malarky

    Is this the sheriff who likes to make his hottie male prisoners prance around in pink underwear?

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      $10 for a ticket? That buys ALOT of pork rinds!

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Yes, he calls it 'punishment'. I think we all know what he means.

      • glasspusher

        If dollars get stuffed in the underwear, it could be called a job.

    • eggsacklywright

      Yes. But his BFF is Wile E. Coyote.

  • Bezoar

    To paraphrase Mark Twain; "Everybody complains about the foreign-born president, but nobody does anything about it."

  • AlterNewt

    Why doesn't he have his own terrible 'reality show'?

    Or maybe he does.

    • no_gravity

      He does, it's called Fox WeMakeShitUp Channel.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        He does, it's called Welcome to Arizona.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Aw, this is really sad. Wait, what's the opposite of sad?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      das?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Capital!

        • thatsitfortheother1

          Commie.

      • MosesInvests

        Boot.

  • gullywompr

    Freedom ain't free, but if I gotta buy a ticket then fuck it.

    • Guppy

      Joe charged more than the market would bear.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Pat Boone haz a sad–this is the first gig he's had since the 70s.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I thought he toured in support of that heavy metal album he cut back in the 90s.

  • One_Man_Band

    How did this flyer not drum up tons of sales????
    http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/bastard/2012/08/

    Any graphic designers out there, pick up a few tips from ol' Joe…

    • Baconzgood

      BAAAAHHH!!!! Jesus, Pat Boone looks like he should be saying "HEEEEEEEERES JONNY" and holding an axe.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      I only read the headline, but apparently Arpaio was caught "pegging" one of his investigators!!
      http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2012

      • thatsitfortheother1

        No wonder that rag is called Valley Fever.

      • glasspusher

        Headline WIN. Not surprising to find out that Dickless Joe has to use a strap on.

    • MissusBarry

      "Constitutional Eligibility Hero"…now that is a title with some gravitas.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Guess he won't need to get the day off from his job greeting folks at the Walmart after all.

      • One_who_wanders

        I'd like to poll a group of soldiers who actually followed orders and went to the Middle East and see if they Strongly Agree, Somewhat Agree, Somewhat Disagree or Strongly Disagree with this designation.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yikes! The comments! I think fairymagic13 is a Wonketeer, though:

      "I'm a born again Christian – People who support Romney and Ryan are traitors to the Faith! We have a good protestant in President Obama and his wife and family. A GOOD Christian family. IN Romney we have a crazy assed spaceship flyin magic underwear wearin honest to gosh nutjub and Ryan, he's a Catholic for gosh's sake – Doesn't even believe in the Rapture. You people out there who support these unholy entities of Satan should get a clue and vote for the only Protestants on the ticket."

  • Baconzgood

    NEEDZ MOAR PINK PANTIEZ!

  • smitallica

    If people wanted to spend money to listen to the paranoid ravings of a lunatic, they'd go to a Guns N' Roses show.

    • Kid_Charlemagne

      I was thinking Megadeth.

    • chicken_thief

      If only Ted would tour again. *sigh*

    • Guppy

      You Can Run But You Can't Hide

  • Baconzgood

    I'm sure I heard a Pat Boone song before, but I'm glad I don't remember it.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Perhaps Paradise City?

      • Baconzgood

        I'm not clicking that. I'm perfectly ok not knowing a Pat Boone song.

      • HistoriCat

        That was such a weird time. And Pat Boone in leather will haunt me forever.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      How about that song by his spawn about burning down your house or lighting up your spliff or whatever the fuck it was?

    • Steverino247

      There are no Pat Boone songs. Trick question since he's never done an original thing in his life.

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Sure – I get my ten smackers for the ticket refunded, but what about the first class airfare to Phoenix and the non-cancelable three nights minimum at the Ritz-Carlton?

    And the limo! What about the fucking limo?

    One thing for sure – I'm canceling that goddamn reverse mortgage Pat sold me. I've never been so disappointed.

    • glasspusher

      That's the price one pays for being classy.

    • glasspusher

      Also, I must say I like your avatar. Sometimes I see it as a mouse, sometimes I see it as a guy with a flag used as a do-rag, facing to the right.

  • Misty Malarky

    Awww… And Pat was gonna do his cute "This One's for the Ladies!" trick.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I had forgotten about that picture. Thanks… I think.
      NSFW!

      • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

        Hey, Photoshop!! The real one doesn't have an airport mens room as background.

  • Estproph

    This really is bad news. I was hoping we could get al the Merkins into one place, then we could get rid of that place. AZ would be perfect because we could force Mexico to take it back.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He had also planned to launch his signature Old Spite® cologne at the event, distilled from the essence of Glazed Cocoa Jelly Rolls, Prickly Pear Liqueur and the anxiety of Mexican perps.

    • eggsacklywright

      And the packaging! A cute little barrel cactus that's guarandamnteed to water the tree of freedumb with patriot blood.

  • Not_So_Much

    In his defense, pretty much the same thing happened to Lillith Fair. Doesn't help that the two events are so similar.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I'll bet the Lunar Landing deniers and Sasquatch Poop Fetishists draw more than Birfers these days.

  • sbj1964

    Joe has been dragging the streets of Arizona with a burrito for so long he has become the Ted Nugent of immigration.

  • elviouslyqueer

    While I don't wish actual death on anyone*, I still wouldn't mind hearing the news that Joe's festering anal pustules finally went septic.

    *Dick Cheney notwithstanding, but since he's a Satanic cyborg rather than an actual human, "death" is totally relative.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm surprised this didn't sell better, the hours it was supposed to run (11AM thru 3PM) certainly wouldn't have precluded the attendees from making the Early Bird special down at Furr's Cafeteria.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      They'd miss their "stories" tho.

  • el_donaldo

    It's O.K. When the mosh pit is more walkers and mobility scooters than anything else, it kinda kills the festival atmosphere.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Birtherfailooza!!!

  • One_who_wanders

    I am just shocked that they couldn't get Ted Nugent and the lawyer/dentist/relator to increase the star-power.

    • HistoriCat

      Joe didn't want to be overshadowed by a bigger asshole star.

  • chicken_thief

    “America’s Toughest Sheriff.”?!

    I think Sheriff Babeu could blow him out of the water.

    • HarryButtle

      I see what you did there…

  • chicken_thief

    And what's with the pic? Sheriff Joe looks like he's squeezing the 'tators before cramming the meat down his throat.

  • zippy_w_pinhead

    It's “Murica’s Toughest Shurff.”, get it right…

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    BirtherFest 2012 has been cancelled. The problem of very low ticket sales was attributed to the headliner act Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Joe’s act consists of 3 hours of pull my finger jokes, music that features his armpit and a ventriloquist act with a dummy that like looks a little like an aborted fetus.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Birthers will forward an email but don't ask them to get up off their fat asses and go somewhere.

  • duh_du

    Well there goes the vacation plans for the in-laws…thanks a lot Joe.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Fox News: Sheriff Joe's Birther Bash held at Phoenix stadium during Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks game draws 63,000 people!

  • James Michael Curley

    Arpaio Arrr – pay – o,
    Weekend come and you all alone.

  • mustangsavvy

    Arpaio: America's Biggest Dickhead.

  • DahBoner

    There's plenty of litter thrown out car windows by White Trash in Arizona.

    Grab a plastic bag boys and get busy.

    CHOP CHOP

  • CommieLibunatic

    America's "Toughest" Sheriff doesn't have anything on Adrian Schoolcraft. Busting illegal farmers and forcing them to live in tents is NOTHING compared to single-handedly exposing deep corruption.

    Just sayin'.

  • BenGleck

    I'll bet even Ol' Joe wouldn't be tough if you slow roasted him at about 300 deg. for 3-1/2 to 4 hours.

  • docterry6973

    Poor ticket sales to see Arpaio AND Pat Boone? AZ has disappointed me.

  • ttommyunger

    I was thinking, if Pat Boone could put on about a hundred extra pounds it would sure fill some of those wrinkles out. Notice how full and smooth Joe R. Piehole's face is; like a baby's ass, prolly smells like one, too.

  • lulzmonger

    If you build it, they won't necessarily come!

    Joe Arpaio: the reason siblings shouldn't fuck.