A small victory for America

Joe Arpaio Cancels Birtherpalooza Festival When No One Buys Tickets

Good... Let the hate flow through you...Take your Teabagger weapon. Use it...Useless old spite bitch Joe Arpaio was planning a big smelly Birtherfest for September 22, but now it looks like instead of hanging out with Pat Boone (who is still alive, apparently?) and heroic order-disobeying Army doctor Terry Lakin, he will just have to spend the day doing his job as Maricopa County Sheriff instead, because the event was cancelled due to abysmal ticket sales.

Haha, we are just kidding. Joe Arpaio is far too important to merely do his job. Come to think of it, the good people of Maricopa County are probably safer when Arpaio just stays the hell off the streets.

Arpaio’s flunkies took pains to reassure Patriotic wingnuts that his “investigation” of Barack Obama’s birf certificate is nonetheless continuing, as is Arpaio’s relentless campaign to protect his trademark as “America’s Toughest Sheriff.” We have long maintained that it is unfair of him to claim this title before the results of the cookoff are in.

[Phoenix New Times]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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  1. actor212

    It's not so much that Arpaio cancelled it as the people who refused to buy tickets cancelled it for him, the treasonous Islamofascist loving bastards.

    It's nice to see Uncle Joe get hoist on his own petar'

  2. noodlesalad

    Why would I buy a ticket for something I can see on FauxNews 24/7 from the comfort of my own barcalounger? No need to break out the hoveround.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Currently. They are running nostalgic "Meet the real Joe" ads emphasizing his past work in law enforcement, including being shot at twice. I hate people with poor aim.

      1. Terry

        I hope a viable candidate is running against him. All but the hard core tea baggers in his district HAVE to be tired of him.

  3. no_gravity

    This is really bad news for the birf certificate cottage industry and coming on the heels that WingNutDaily said that birtherism is not profitable. Obama's such a job killer.

  4. Bezoar

    To paraphrase Mark Twain; "Everybody complains about the foreign-born president, but nobody does anything about it."

      1. One_who_wanders

        I'd like to poll a group of soldiers who actually followed orders and went to the Middle East and see if they Strongly Agree, Somewhat Agree, Somewhat Disagree or Strongly Disagree with this designation.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Yikes! The comments! I think fairymagic13 is a Wonketeer, though:

      "I'm a born again Christian – People who support Romney and Ryan are traitors to the Faith! We have a good protestant in President Obama and his wife and family. A GOOD Christian family. IN Romney we have a crazy assed spaceship flyin magic underwear wearin honest to gosh nutjub and Ryan, he's a Catholic for gosh's sake – Doesn't even believe in the Rapture. You people out there who support these unholy entities of Satan should get a clue and vote for the only Protestants on the ticket."

  5. smitallica

    If people wanted to spend money to listen to the paranoid ravings of a lunatic, they'd go to a Guns N' Roses show.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      How about that song by his spawn about burning down your house or lighting up your spliff or whatever the fuck it was?

  6. FlownOver

    Sure – I get my ten smackers for the ticket refunded, but what about the first class airfare to Phoenix and the non-cancelable three nights minimum at the Ritz-Carlton?

    And the limo! What about the fucking limo?

    One thing for sure – I'm canceling that goddamn reverse mortgage Pat sold me. I've never been so disappointed.

    1. glasspusher

      Also, I must say I like your avatar. Sometimes I see it as a mouse, sometimes I see it as a guy with a flag used as a do-rag, facing to the right.

  7. Estproph

    This really is bad news. I was hoping we could get al the Merkins into one place, then we could get rid of that place. AZ would be perfect because we could force Mexico to take it back.

  8. Chet Kincaid_

    He had also planned to launch his signature Old Spite® cologne at the event, distilled from the essence of Glazed Cocoa Jelly Rolls, Prickly Pear Liqueur and the anxiety of Mexican perps.

    1. eggsacklywright

      And the packaging! A cute little barrel cactus that's guarandamnteed to water the tree of freedumb with patriot blood.

  9. Not_So_Much

    In his defense, pretty much the same thing happened to Lillith Fair. Doesn't help that the two events are so similar.

  10. sbj1964

    Joe has been dragging the streets of Arizona with a burrito for so long he has become the Ted Nugent of immigration.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    While I don't wish actual death on anyone*, I still wouldn't mind hearing the news that Joe's festering anal pustules finally went septic.

    *Dick Cheney notwithstanding, but since he's a Satanic cyborg rather than an actual human, "death" is totally relative.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm surprised this didn't sell better, the hours it was supposed to run (11AM thru 3PM) certainly wouldn't have precluded the attendees from making the Early Bird special down at Furr's Cafeteria.

  13. el_donaldo

    It's O.K. When the mosh pit is more walkers and mobility scooters than anything else, it kinda kills the festival atmosphere.

  14. One_who_wanders

    I am just shocked that they couldn't get Ted Nugent and the lawyer/dentist/relator to increase the star-power.

  15. chicken_thief

    And what's with the pic? Sheriff Joe looks like he's squeezing the 'tators before cramming the meat down his throat.

  16. Monsieur_Grumpe

    BirtherFest 2012 has been cancelled. The problem of very low ticket sales was attributed to the headliner act Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Joe’s act consists of 3 hours of pull my finger jokes, music that features his armpit and a ventriloquist act with a dummy that like looks a little like an aborted fetus.

  17. DahBoner

    There's plenty of litter thrown out car windows by White Trash in Arizona.

    Grab a plastic bag boys and get busy.


  18. CommieLibunatic

    America's "Toughest" Sheriff doesn't have anything on Adrian Schoolcraft. Busting illegal farmers and forcing them to live in tents is NOTHING compared to single-handedly exposing deep corruption.

    Just sayin'.

  19. ttommyunger

    I was thinking, if Pat Boone could put on about a hundred extra pounds it would sure fill some of those wrinkles out. Notice how full and smooth Joe R. Piehole's face is; like a baby's ass, prolly smells like one, too.

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