A SMALL VICTORY FOR AMERICA  9:10 am September 12, 2012

Joe Arpaio Cancels Birtherpalooza Festival When No One Buys Tickets

by Doktor Zoom

Good... Let the hate flow through you...Take your Teabagger weapon. Use it...Useless old spite bitch Joe Arpaio was planning a big smelly Birtherfest for September 22, but now it looks like instead of hanging out with Pat Boone (who is still alive, apparently?) and heroic order-disobeying Army doctor Terry Lakin, he will just have to spend the day doing his job as Maricopa County Sheriff instead, because the event was cancelled due to abysmal ticket sales.

Haha, we are just kidding. Joe Arpaio is far too important to merely do his job. Come to think of it, the good people of Maricopa County are probably safer when Arpaio just stays the hell off the streets.

Arpaio’s flunkies took pains to reassure Patriotic wingnuts that his “investigation” of Barack Obama’s birf certificate is nonetheless continuing, as is Arpaio’s relentless campaign to protect his trademark as “America’s Toughest Sheriff.” We have long maintained that it is unfair of him to claim this title before the results of the cookoff are in.

[Phoenix New Times]

 
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{ 105 comments }

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:13 am

It's not so much that Arpaio cancelled it as the people who refused to buy tickets cancelled it for him, the treasonous Islamofascist loving bastards.

It's nice to see Uncle Joe get hoist on his own petar'

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

Hoisted on his own retard.

vinny9698 September 14, 2012 at 6:56 am

Just like Palin, Newt, Cain, and the rest of the loonies, all trying to profit off their ignorance.

eggsacklywright September 12, 2012 at 9:14 am

Wingnut Obergruppensherrif fail.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:15 am

Epischen Scheitern

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

Epischen Scheisse.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

Es war mehr ein kleines Scheißhaufen

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

LOL. Meine hover craft ist voll mit Scheißhaufen.

eggsacklywright September 12, 2012 at 9:15 am

Wannabe midwife to the birfers.

JustPixelz September 12, 2012 at 9:15 am

In hindsight, requiring ID that meets birther standards to buy tickets was a mistake.

OneYieldRegular September 12, 2012 at 10:18 am

As was the requirement that attendees all wear pink underwear.

noodlesalad September 12, 2012 at 9:16 am

Why would I buy a ticket for something I can see on FauxNews 24/7 from the comfort of my own barcalounger? No need to break out the hoveround.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

Plus, it's hot there.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

But it's a dry heat

noodlesalad September 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

With a hint of sulphur and brimstone.

Terry September 12, 2012 at 9:18 am

When is he up for reelection?

GunToting[Redacted] September 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

Currently. They are running nostalgic "Meet the real Joe" ads emphasizing his past work in law enforcement, including being shot at twice. I hate people with poor aim.

Terry September 12, 2012 at 9:32 am

I hope a viable candidate is running against him. All but the hard core tea baggers in his district HAVE to be tired of him.

Guppy September 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Forget it, Terry. It's Arizona.

SnarkOff September 12, 2012 at 9:18 am

Great. I already took the fetuses out of the freezer for the barbecue.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:19 am

You can still put them in the mocrowave and pop them for the squabble that's about to start.

SnarkOff September 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

I find they lose their crunch in the microwave.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

Have you tried glazing them with sugar first?

chicken_thief September 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

A light coat of butter and a little cinnamon sugar – fucking awesome!

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:39 am

You'll be needing the handy 12oz box of Fetus Helper then…

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

Oh, were you going to grill up some fajeetus? Mmm.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

D'oh!

So obvious, yet so beautiful…I'll need to steal use this with full attribution…

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

Actually, I stole this from myself, in a post of several months ago…

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

Win!

no_gravity September 12, 2012 at 9:20 am

This is really bad news for the birf certificate cottage industry and coming on the heels that WingNutDaily said that birtherism is not profitable. Obama's such a job killer.

Misty Malarky September 12, 2012 at 9:21 am

Is this the sheriff who likes to make his hottie male prisoners prance around in pink underwear?

Kid_Charlemagne September 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

$10 for a ticket? That buys ALOT of pork rinds!

Dr_Zoidberg September 12, 2012 at 9:29 am

Yes, he calls it 'punishment'. I think we all know what he means.

glasspusher September 12, 2012 at 9:42 am

If dollars get stuffed in the underwear, it could be called a job.

eggsacklywright September 12, 2012 at 9:31 am

Yes. But his BFF is Wile E. Coyote.

Bezoar September 12, 2012 at 9:22 am

To paraphrase Mark Twain; "Everybody complains about the foreign-born president, but nobody does anything about it."

AlterNewt September 12, 2012 at 9:22 am

Why doesn't he have his own terrible 'reality show'?

Or maybe he does.

no_gravity September 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

He does, it's called Fox WeMakeShitUp Channel.

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

He does, it's called Welcome to Arizona.

GunToting[Redacted] September 12, 2012 at 9:24 am

Aw, this is really sad. Wait, what's the opposite of sad?

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

das?

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

Capital!

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 10:02 am

Commie.

MosesInvests September 12, 2012 at 10:11 am

Boot.

gullywompr September 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

Freedom ain't free, but if I gotta buy a ticket then fuck it.

Guppy September 12, 2012 at 9:51 am

Joe charged more than the market would bear.

Texan_Bulldog September 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

Pat Boone haz a sad–this is the first gig he's had since the 70s.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

I thought he toured in support of that heavy metal album he cut back in the 90s.

One_Man_Band September 12, 2012 at 9:25 am

How did this flyer not drum up tons of sales????
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/bastard/2012/08/

Any graphic designers out there, pick up a few tips from ol' Joe…

Baconzgood September 12, 2012 at 9:32 am

BAAAAHHH!!!! Jesus, Pat Boone looks like he should be saying "HEEEEEEEERES JONNY" and holding an axe.

Chet Kincaid_ September 12, 2012 at 9:33 am

I only read the headline, but apparently Arpaio was caught "pegging" one of his investigators!!
http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.com/valleyfever/2012

thatsitfortheother1 September 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

No wonder that rag is called Valley Fever.

glasspusher September 12, 2012 at 9:47 am

Headline WIN. Not surprising to find out that Dickless Joe has to use a strap on.

MissusBarry September 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

"Constitutional Eligibility Hero"…now that is a title with some gravitas.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Guess he won't need to get the day off from his job greeting folks at the Walmart after all.

One_who_wanders September 12, 2012 at 9:55 am

I'd like to poll a group of soldiers who actually followed orders and went to the Middle East and see if they Strongly Agree, Somewhat Agree, Somewhat Disagree or Strongly Disagree with this designation.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

Yikes! The comments! I think fairymagic13 is a Wonketeer, though:

"I'm a born again Christian – People who support Romney and Ryan are traitors to the Faith! We have a good protestant in President Obama and his wife and family. A GOOD Christian family. IN Romney we have a crazy assed spaceship flyin magic underwear wearin honest to gosh nutjub and Ryan, he's a Catholic for gosh's sake – Doesn't even believe in the Rapture. You people out there who support these unholy entities of Satan should get a clue and vote for the only Protestants on the ticket."

Baconzgood September 12, 2012 at 9:27 am

NEEDZ MOAR PINK PANTIEZ!

smitallica September 12, 2012 at 9:28 am

If people wanted to spend money to listen to the paranoid ravings of a lunatic, they'd go to a Guns N' Roses show.

Kid_Charlemagne September 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

I was thinking Megadeth.

chicken_thief September 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

If only Ted would tour again. *sigh*

Guppy September 12, 2012 at 9:58 am

You Can Run But You Can't Hide

Baconzgood September 12, 2012 at 9:29 am

I'm sure I heard a Pat Boone song before, but I'm glad I don't remember it.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:34 am

Perhaps Paradise City?

Baconzgood September 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

I'm not clicking that. I'm perfectly ok not knowing a Pat Boone song.

HistoriCat September 12, 2012 at 10:44 am

That was such a weird time. And Pat Boone in leather will haunt me forever.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:38 am

How about that song by his spawn about burning down your house or lighting up your spliff or whatever the fuck it was?

Steverino247 September 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

There are no Pat Boone songs. Trick question since he's never done an original thing in his life.

FlownOver September 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

Sure – I get my ten smackers for the ticket refunded, but what about the first class airfare to Phoenix and the non-cancelable three nights minimum at the Ritz-Carlton?

And the limo! What about the fucking limo?

One thing for sure – I'm canceling that goddamn reverse mortgage Pat sold me. I've never been so disappointed.

glasspusher September 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

That's the price one pays for being classy.

glasspusher September 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

Also, I must say I like your avatar. Sometimes I see it as a mouse, sometimes I see it as a guy with a flag used as a do-rag, facing to the right.

Misty Malarky September 12, 2012 at 9:30 am

Awww… And Pat was gonna do his cute "This One's for the Ladies!" trick.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 12, 2012 at 10:14 am

I had forgotten about that picture. Thanks… I think.
NSFW!

M. Bouffant September 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Hey, Photoshop!! The real one doesn't have an airport mens room as background.

Estproph September 12, 2012 at 9:37 am

This really is bad news. I was hoping we could get al the Merkins into one place, then we could get rid of that place. AZ would be perfect because we could force Mexico to take it back.

Chet Kincaid_ September 12, 2012 at 9:40 am

He had also planned to launch his signature Old Spite® cologne at the event, distilled from the essence of Glazed Cocoa Jelly Rolls, Prickly Pear Liqueur and the anxiety of Mexican perps.

eggsacklywright September 12, 2012 at 9:52 am

And the packaging! A cute little barrel cactus that's guarandamnteed to water the tree of freedumb with patriot blood.

Not_So_Much September 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

In his defense, pretty much the same thing happened to Lillith Fair. Doesn't help that the two events are so similar.

ManchuCandidate September 12, 2012 at 9:41 am

I'll bet the Lunar Landing deniers and Sasquatch Poop Fetishists draw more than Birfers these days.

sbj1964 September 12, 2012 at 9:43 am

Joe has been dragging the streets of Arizona with a burrito for so long he has become the Ted Nugent of immigration.

elviouslyqueer September 12, 2012 at 9:44 am

While I don't wish actual death on anyone*, I still wouldn't mind hearing the news that Joe's festering anal pustules finally went septic.

*Dick Cheney notwithstanding, but since he's a Satanic cyborg rather than an actual human, "death" is totally relative.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:46 am

I'm surprised this didn't sell better, the hours it was supposed to run (11AM thru 3PM) certainly wouldn't have precluded the attendees from making the Early Bird special down at Furr's Cafeteria.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:54 am

They'd miss their "stories" tho.

el_donaldo September 12, 2012 at 9:48 am

It's O.K. When the mosh pit is more walkers and mobility scooters than anything else, it kinda kills the festival atmosphere.

BaldarTFlagass September 12, 2012 at 9:49 am

Birtherfailooza!!!

One_who_wanders September 12, 2012 at 9:57 am

I am just shocked that they couldn't get Ted Nugent and the lawyer/dentist/relator to increase the star-power.

HistoriCat September 12, 2012 at 10:46 am

Joe didn't want to be overshadowed by a bigger asshole star.

chicken_thief September 12, 2012 at 10:00 am

“America’s Toughest Sheriff.”?!

I think Sheriff Babeu could blow him out of the water.

HarryButtle September 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I see what you did there…

chicken_thief September 12, 2012 at 10:02 am

And what's with the pic? Sheriff Joe looks like he's squeezing the 'tators before cramming the meat down his throat.

zippy_w_pinhead September 12, 2012 at 10:05 am

It's “Murica’s Toughest Shurff.”, get it right…

Monsieur_Grumpe September 12, 2012 at 10:05 am

BirtherFest 2012 has been cancelled. The problem of very low ticket sales was attributed to the headliner act Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Joe’s act consists of 3 hours of pull my finger jokes, music that features his armpit and a ventriloquist act with a dummy that like looks a little like an aborted fetus.

Chow Yun Flat September 12, 2012 at 10:07 am

Birthers will forward an email but don't ask them to get up off their fat asses and go somewhere.

duh_du September 12, 2012 at 10:37 am

Well there goes the vacation plans for the in-laws…thanks a lot Joe.

DerrickWildcat September 12, 2012 at 10:56 am

Fox News: Sheriff Joe's Birther Bash held at Phoenix stadium during Arizona Cardinals vs. Seattle Seahawks game draws 63,000 people!

James Michael Curley September 12, 2012 at 11:37 am

Arpaio Arrr – pay – o,
Weekend come and you all alone.

mustangsavvy September 12, 2012 at 11:57 am

Arpaio: America's Biggest Dickhead.

DahBoner September 12, 2012 at 12:17 pm

There's plenty of litter thrown out car windows by White Trash in Arizona.

Grab a plastic bag boys and get busy.

CHOP CHOP

CommieLibunatic September 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm

America's "Toughest" Sheriff doesn't have anything on Adrian Schoolcraft. Busting illegal farmers and forcing them to live in tents is NOTHING compared to single-handedly exposing deep corruption.

Just sayin'.

BenGleck September 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'll bet even Ol' Joe wouldn't be tough if you slow roasted him at about 300 deg. for 3-1/2 to 4 hours.

docterry6973 September 12, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Poor ticket sales to see Arpaio AND Pat Boone? AZ has disappointed me.

ttommyunger September 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm

I was thinking, if Pat Boone could put on about a hundred extra pounds it would sure fill some of those wrinkles out. Notice how full and smooth Joe R. Piehole's face is; like a baby's ass, prolly smells like one, too.

lulzmonger September 13, 2012 at 4:28 am

If you build it, they won't necessarily come!

Joe Arpaio: the reason siblings shouldn't fuck.

actor212 September 12, 2012 at 9:53 am

Lassen Sie Ihre Höschen Herr Wilhelm, ich kann nicht bis zum Mittag warten!

(I never knew how easy that would be to find a translation for…)

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Wenn ist das Nunnstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

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