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Paul Ryan, high as fuckGuys, we’re concerned about Paul Ryan. As a father of a three-year-old girl, we’ve trained ourselves to be vigilant for all the signs your child could be using drugs: rapid changes in mood or behavior, anti-social tendencies, refusing to eat. (We’re 90 percent certain our daughter injects heroin into her eyeballs.)

Paul Ryan shows none of those symptoms, but he did briefly express support for letting states set their own policies on medical marijuana, a radical pro-drug position that only someone with a severe marijuana addiction would ever consider. Is the GOP vice-presidential nominee a major pothead? Let’s go to the tape:

I asked Congressman Ryan: “In Colorado we have medical marijuana. Under a Romney Ryan ticket, what happens?”

Ryan: “It’s up to Coloradans to decide.”

I said: “So even if federal law says marijuana is illegal, you’re saying?”

Ryan: “My personal positions on this issue have been let the states decide what to do with these things. This is something that is not a high priority of ours as to whether or not we go down the road on this issue.  What I’ve always believed is the states should decide.  I personally don’t agree with it, but this is something Coloradans have to decide for themselves.”

“Decide for themselves”? That sounds like stoner talk to us. It’s certainly not the position of small-government conservatives, who believe that the federal government should shut down the production, distribution, or use of marijuana for any purpose with well-armed, jackbooted thugs.

Don’t fear! It appears Ryan was shipped off to a secret drug rehabilitation facility for the weekend where he likely underwent a painful, sleepless, sweaty detoxification process to get all the marijuana out of his system. He’s kicked his addiction and, as a result, done a complete 180 on his position on the issue:


Despite Ryan’s comments, campaign spokespeople told reporters on Saturday that Ryan “agrees with Mitt Romney” that marijuana should never be legal — a position that is, unfortunately, incompatible with his prior statement.

We’re glad to see that Paul Ryan is off the drugs and turning his life around. Now that he’s marijuana free, who knows what he can accomplish! Maybe he can become vice president someday, and help a Romney administration fill America’s prisons with low-level pot offenders, while ensuring chemotherapy patients they don’t have access to a drug that makes their lives not completely miserable. [KRDO/RawStory]

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