THE FEDERALIST ROLLING PAPERS  5:30 pm September 10, 2012

Is Paul Ryan On The Marijuana?

by Jesse Berney

Paul Ryan, high as fuckGuys, we’re concerned about Paul Ryan. As a father of a three-year-old girl, we’ve trained ourselves to be vigilant for all the signs your child could be using drugs: rapid changes in mood or behavior, anti-social tendencies, refusing to eat. (We’re 90 percent certain our daughter injects heroin into her eyeballs.)

Paul Ryan shows none of those symptoms, but he did briefly express support for letting states set their own policies on medical marijuana, a radical pro-drug position that only someone with a severe marijuana addiction would ever consider. Is the GOP vice-presidential nominee a major pothead? Let’s go to the tape:

I asked Congressman Ryan: “In Colorado we have medical marijuana. Under a Romney Ryan ticket, what happens?”

Ryan: “It’s up to Coloradans to decide.”

I said: “So even if federal law says marijuana is illegal, you’re saying?”

Ryan: “My personal positions on this issue have been let the states decide what to do with these things. This is something that is not a high priority of ours as to whether or not we go down the road on this issue.  What I’ve always believed is the states should decide.  I personally don’t agree with it, but this is something Coloradans have to decide for themselves.”

“Decide for themselves”? That sounds like stoner talk to us. It’s certainly not the position of small-government conservatives, who believe that the federal government should shut down the production, distribution, or use of marijuana for any purpose with well-armed, jackbooted thugs.

Don’t fear! It appears Ryan was shipped off to a secret drug rehabilitation facility for the weekend where he likely underwent a painful, sleepless, sweaty detoxification process to get all the marijuana out of his system. He’s kicked his addiction and, as a result, done a complete 180 on his position on the issue:

Despite Ryan’s comments, campaign spokespeople told reporters on Saturday that Ryan “agrees with Mitt Romney” that marijuana should never be legal — a position that is, unfortunately, incompatible with his prior statement.

We’re glad to see that Paul Ryan is off the drugs and turning his life around. Now that he’s marijuana free, who knows what he can accomplish! Maybe he can become vice president someday, and help a Romney administration fill America’s prisons with low-level pot offenders, while ensuring chemotherapy patients they don’t have access to a drug that makes their lives not completely miserable. [KRDO/RawStory]

 
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{ 259 comments }

Wilcoxyz September 10, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Altered states rights!

CrunchyKnee September 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

States wrongs, bitches!!!!!!

Boojum September 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm

OT — in the meantime, Pat Robertson looks fondly back to the days you could beat yore bitches.

viennawoods13 September 10, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Fuck that man. and not in a good way.

sewollef September 11, 2012 at 8:36 am

Ew, there is no good way.

Unless that is, you're using a 10-foot pole.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 9:13 am

10 foot barbed pole.

iTuna September 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Fuckin' hippies.

Antispandex September 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Actually, I think it's high time we had a stoner President. Are you going to be up for invading a country because you believe they may have tried to kill your Dad? Well, OK, but not before you check to see if there are any more pretzels left.

Lascauxcaveman September 11, 2012 at 12:24 am

We already HAVE a stoner president. "Intercepted!"

But that Ryan guy, just look at his eyes: he's blazing.

If he had an ounce of intelligence he'd be telling us funny stories, and factoids and "didja ever notice?" kinda things that would make us laugh and want to take another hit, and flip that Edgar Winter album again. And we'd all be eating really big sandwiches, and sleeping in late.

But no; he's an idiot, and boring, and uncool.

Maybe if we fed him some acid…?

Designer_Rants September 11, 2012 at 6:56 am

If a right-wing ideologue takes a hit of acid and goes to the dinesh dsouza movie, does it blow his mind? Or does he gain the self-awareness to realize that he just blew $10 bucks on trash documentary?

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

No, he sees liberals crawling out of his naughty parts and torturing him with strange and wonderful desires. Or, at least, I read that, on the Internet.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 9:18 am

Oh! Oh! I haz a doggerel I wrote in honor of Editrix adventures, with acid.

Ahem:::clears throat:::

Rumstains on My Window

Alice, through the Windowpane,
Drinking Cuban Rum,
Set aloft the Monstrous Crow
To frighten Tweedledum.
Yet Jabberwock, with eyes aflame
Tracked, whiffling, treacle's soul
Caught without her Vorpal Sword
He swallowed Alice whole.

Alice, with a mimsy laugh,
Lit diamonds from her breath.
A commie blow torch cut her free
Released from certain death.
The Jubjub birds, the Bandersnatch,
Gave up their hunt, with sighs;
They saw their lives were forfeit to
Her aspect and her eyes.

The best part is that is completely stolen, like sampling, but with pomes.

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Yeah!

HistoriCat September 11, 2012 at 10:08 am

Forget the acid – how about some mushrooms? Wasn't there research which found that shrooms caused subjects to develop empathy (possibly simplifying here)?

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 11:40 am

Acid does it, too. How about acid dip't psilocybins?

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Yeah. Yes. Whiffle.

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Sulphuric.

Isyaignert September 10, 2012 at 6:41 pm

I believe the term of art is "dirty fuckin' hippies."

Negropolis September 10, 2012 at 11:16 pm

They prefer DFH-Americans, these days.

Isyaignert September 11, 2012 at 1:07 am

Of course, how insensative of me.

ChillBill September 10, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Paul Ryan smoked for 36 hours straight once…or was it only 22?

SmutBoffin September 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I heard he once filled and cleared a 18' bong all by hisself, then shotgunned a brewski.

Jus_Wonderin September 10, 2012 at 5:45 pm

So the remaining hours Paul Ryan was gay?

PsycWench September 10, 2012 at 6:51 pm

He scored some weed once for $150/ounce. Or maybe $300 or $500. Anyway, he used to be able to talk the dealer down when he was young.

Warwhatgoodfor September 10, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Hell, he's from Wisconsin. Back a million years or so when I was in med school at the University of Iowa we all had maps of where to find weed growing wild along the rural roadside. Seems that in the opening days of WWII (ours. The rest of the world had been at it for over two years) the Japanese had overrun most of S E Asia and cut off the worlds supply of hemp. So the gov't had encouraged the Iowa farmers to grow it themselves. Even supplied the seed. Never amounted to anything, since synthetics rapidly took over.
However, the stuff grew like crazy, and soon could be found almost everywhere. Downside, the quality was awful, the the federalies had the same maps.
Since the Ryanbot is/was a good Randian, the prospect of free rather than $100+/oz would have have been really irresistable.Too bad nobody knew about him at the time, or we would have notified the Feds ourselves. Another opportunity shot to hell.

memzilla September 10, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Ah yes, the proverbial Ditchweed, which was our nom de fume for it back in my days at a small liberal arts college in Eastern Iowa (a time so long ago, we actually knew the tailor who repaired the hem of Jeebus' garment which He kept ripping on the skin of the dinosaur He commuted to work on).

Now mind you, although the cannabis pauperis may have originally had some potency to it, after thirty generations of absorbing nitrogen fertilizer, ammonia, insecticides, pesticides, diesel exhaust, and brake-lining asbestos, it was anybody's guess as to what it had actually mutated into, and what you were actually inhaling.

No high came from smoking it (I was told — ahem) without having a massive headache attached to it. One dorm room had constructed a six-tube hookah with a one-ounce bowl specifically to filter its combustion; it was named Philip D. (as in "Philip D. Pipe.")

It was green, the leaves had the right shape, it was free, and there were a few molecules of THC mixed in with the contaminants. It served its purpose.

Warwhatgoodfor September 10, 2012 at 7:59 pm

You sure it wasn't Philip K? As in Philip K Dick, famed dead writer of some of the most bizarre Sci Fi in history, who set an all-time record of being stoned/strung out on amphetamines for the entire last 25 years of his life, until his pancreas finally crapped out on him? Hmmm? I mean, I won't tell anyone, since I have copies of pretty much everything he ever wrote, except for the pseudo-religious junk he put out just before he cashed in.

M. Bouffant September 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Grinnell?

Lot_49 September 10, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Coe? Cornell?

gullywompr September 10, 2012 at 5:35 pm

These flip flops are a chronic problem.

Self-Uploader September 10, 2012 at 5:41 pm

CHRONIC!!!!! (giggles uncontrollable for five minutes then eats a box of cookies.)
I see what you did there.

gullywompr September 10, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I love a girl who gets me. Wanna come over and listen to some Santana? Bring the cookies.

Boojum September 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Especially when you're high.

M. Bouffant September 10, 2012 at 8:45 pm

All them hippies wear flip-flops.

emmelemm September 10, 2012 at 8:47 pm

Blew out my flip-flop,
Stepped on a pop top,
Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home…

Negropolis September 10, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Which means that they won't be covered once Romney repeals the Affordable Care Act.

peaceocrap September 10, 2012 at 5:35 pm

"…That is not a high priority of ours…" He said high.

LastGasp September 10, 2012 at 5:35 pm

A pothead? No, no. But he does have all the characteristics of a man with mild Schizoaffective disorder, so that glazed look in his eyes is probably the result of all the Lithium he takes.

James Michael Curley September 10, 2012 at 5:46 pm

What? He eats cell phone batteries?

smokefilledroommate September 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm

He's constantly Li-ion.

StarsUponThars September 10, 2012 at 9:02 pm

That's definitely an illegal smile.

RadioX September 10, 2012 at 5:36 pm

that is not a high priority

hahahahahahahaha

(hits bong)

ElPinche September 11, 2012 at 1:34 am

Don't bogart that bitch, esse

Jus_Wonderin September 10, 2012 at 5:36 pm

"Eddie! Whatever you and Spot are doing under the stairs. Cut it out!!!"

gurukalehuru September 11, 2012 at 4:54 am

Spot, the magic dragon….

SmutBoffin September 10, 2012 at 5:36 pm

…a position that is, unfortunately, incompatible with his prior statement.

Wow, we will be hearing this phrase a lot in the coming months.

johnthorpe September 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm

It would be nice if, just once, a significant news personality (or god, in the debates) just straight up looked at Mitt or Marathon Man and said "You're lying. We all know it, because you just said A and the opposite of A in the last 48 hours".

kittensdontlie September 10, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Ryan was so stoned high if he couldn't remember teetotaler Romney's position. At the wedding of Cana, Mormon Jesus turns water into more water.

HogeyeGrex September 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm

B-b-b-b-buuuut, it was not intended to be a factual statement.

ChillBill September 10, 2012 at 5:37 pm

"Dude, where's my campaign bus?"

stopthemovie September 10, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Don't Bogart that joint my friend!

CrunchyKnee September 10, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Despite Ryan’s comments, campaign spokespeople told reporters on Saturday that "Paul is not here, maaaaaan."

LibertyLover September 10, 2012 at 8:12 pm

"No, I'm Paul……."

lochnessmonster September 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Ugh! I can't believe ppl will really vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket. The constant reevaluation of where they stands is really tiring.

Isyaignert September 10, 2012 at 6:42 pm

I'm surrounded by Rmoney signs….help me, help me!!!

LionHeartSoyDog September 10, 2012 at 7:42 pm

They don't stand for anything, except the president is 'a near.'
And that's all that matters.
(my research indicates that 66% of Murkans are decent, civilized people. So there's no way Rmoney/Lyin' could win an honest election).

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 8:09 pm

I don't know if PEOPLE will. I mean, SOME people will, fersure, but that number looks to be shrinking. Here's hoping.

smokefilledroommate September 10, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Those would be the real green jobs.

fartknocker September 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

The only thing that flips more than the Romney/Ryan policy statements are the spatulas at the local IHOP.

PuckStopsHere September 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Romney/Ryan should never be legal.

johnnyzhivago September 10, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I don't know about pot, but Ryan is going to need a couple of bottles of Advil after election day and Romney blames him for everything.

Callyson September 10, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Advil? I think he'll need something stronger. He should plan ahead and get the name of Rushbo's dealer…

cheetojeebus September 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm

There are very few buzzs that mug can't harsh.

AncienReggie September 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Ain't it the truth? I don't take a good picture myself, but Jesus! That face says loudly, Short bus now, long sentence later.

Blueb4sinrise September 10, 2012 at 5:40 pm

The Rmoney campaign will shatter any hint of conservative ideological consistency like Rafalca stomping a crystal vase.

Thurman Munster IV September 10, 2012 at 6:30 pm

When it gets Jewish married? L'Chaim!

smokefilledroommate September 10, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Mr. Bong Marathon climbin' a mountain o' weed.

weejee September 10, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Yeppers. After Ryan finished his high two hour marathon he downed a foot-long EZ-Wider Gran Corona all by hizself to get higher still. This is why he prefers to be called your highness (small h, obvs)

Callyson September 10, 2012 at 5:41 pm

This is something that is not a high priority of ours as to whether or not we go down the road on this issue.

I've been saying that you have to be high to support the priorities of a potential Romney-Ryan administration. Glad to hear that I am on to something…

Schmannnity September 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Ryan backs Humboldt County jobs.

IonaTrailer September 10, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Represent!

sbj1964 September 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm

So,The Dem's are not the only midnight tokkers?This has to explain Rush,Beck,and Why are my hands so big?Dude I could chop down trees with these.

Chet Kincaid_ September 10, 2012 at 5:42 pm

The creepy, dead eyes. The slingblade jaw. The Nixonesque 5 o'clock shadow. The unibrow waiting to leap the bridge of his nose the day he forgets to shave it. The seal-pelt hair and state funeral attire. Who would find this man attractive, other than ladies with a fetish for undertakers?

Schmannnity September 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

You apparently missed this: http://gawker.com/5601281/dreams-do-come-true-edd

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:26 pm

It didn't *say* if she had a fetish for undertakers.

YouBetcha September 10, 2012 at 5:53 pm

There metrics are pretty terrifying on the number of Google searches for "Paul Ryan shirtless".

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 6:37 pm

You would think he had other things to do besides googling himself? Or maybe that's Mrs Romney?

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Oh, you just *know* it's all those sissymary lonely queens looking for a little moob they can pant over! I swear I know at least a dozen who ooh and ah over the guy, and if he had his druthers he'd have them turned into dogfood in five minutes flat, but try telling THEM that. It's all, "Oh, but he's so dreeeeeamy!" Assholes.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 11:49 am

You know, I'm against anal rape (or really any kind of rape), but at the same time, I really feel that Paul should do more to satisfy the desires of his loyal constituents. Is there some middle ground here?

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:12 pm

(ponders) I'll have to, um, get back to you on that. Science demands empirical evidence, yaknow.

Chet Kincaid_ September 10, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Further freaking me out are the low-set, lemur-like ears that doubtless swivel 360 degrees independently while he sleeps, and the horror that must be his awful mandibles, since he won't part his grimly clamped rictus even for an official photo.

YouBetcha September 10, 2012 at 7:27 pm

So you're saying you wouldn't hit that?

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Well, with votes, maybe.

Beowoof September 10, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Has he mentioned french fried taters yet?

T3rbo September 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

you forgot his strange skinny arms. So dreamy…

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Not you, too!

Isyaignert September 10, 2012 at 6:45 pm

"…seal-pelt hair…" Awesome!

Designer_Rants September 10, 2012 at 7:01 pm

"Seal-pelt hair" — awesome.

BlueStateLibel September 10, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Are you kidding me? Paul Ryan:
Used to model for GQ.
Was repeatedly named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
Turned down Angelie Jolie (repeatedly).
Was the inspiration for the song "I'm Too Sexy."

GhostBuggy September 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

You can tell from that answer this is the very first time he's even fucking thought about it, and defaulted to STATES' RIGHTS!!!1!

Jesus Christ, these people.

Callyson September 10, 2012 at 5:43 pm

And sure enough, Lyin' Ryan is at it again…from the KRDO link:

We also spoke about tax cuts for small businesses to spur on growth. It is a consistent conservative Republican argument that tax cuts help create jobs. Paul Ryan said, "Eight out of ten businesses in America file their taxes as individuals and President Obama is promising their top tax rate goes above 40 percent in January. The Canadians just lowered their tax rate to 15 percent on their businesses. We just can't compete with tax rates like that."
I spoke with a tax accountant who is a conservative republican about those claims. He didn't want his name used. I did do some fact checking with him about Paul Ryan's comments. The tax expert told me the reason why eight out of ten businesses file taxes as individuals is because it simplifies the administration needed to run a business including their tax preparation. However, when it comes to the claim about Canada's tax rate, the accountant told me that only a small percentage of Canadian small businesses qualify for that lower rate based on income. It actually goes up to 34 percent when you add in local and state taxes in Canada.

starfanglednut September 10, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Ryan was halfaw through the campaign when the drugs took hold.

DoucheWillis September 10, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Anti-social tendencies? Refusal to eat? I guess whatever I’m smoking ain’t a drug. Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a package of Golden Oreos calling my name. Seriously guys, I swear it’s talking.

Boojum September 10, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Dude. Chill. I said it shouldn't be legal; I didn't say don't smoke it.

mavenmaven September 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of this lyin' liar's mouth.

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

Even when he contradicts himself, I kinda assume he's wrong both ways.

Callyson September 10, 2012 at 5:48 pm

And the Raw Story link has another gem:

Ryan voted against medical marijuana as recently as May, casting his ballot against the Hinchey-Rohrabacher amendment to H.R. 5326, which would have done exactly what the Wisconsin Republican claims he now supports by stopping the Obama administration’s raids on licensed medical marijuana vendors. The candidate also has a rating of -10 by the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML), the nation’s oldest marijuana lobby.

I don't even use the stuff (it makes me cough) but this makes me crave a joint…

Crank_Tango September 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm

there's always edibles! you could try just eating a joint…

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:24 pm

(passes the bong)

viennawoods13 September 10, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Yes, I've always preferred tequila myself, but to each his (or her) own.

YouBetcha September 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Federalism! Unless not, and then…wait, what was I saying? Does anyone have any snack foods, like Cheez-its or something? What was that noise??

T3rbo September 10, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Isyaignert September 10, 2012 at 6:47 pm

I remember saying "Is that still that same song playing?" a lot.

James Michael Curley September 10, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Mitt will hold Ryan down and cut his hair to submit a sample for testing for residuals of THC.

James Michael Curley September 10, 2012 at 5:51 pm

"God Damn the Pusher Man!"

Warwhatgoodfor September 10, 2012 at 7:30 pm

"simply the best". Tina Turner.

LionHeartSoyDog September 10, 2012 at 7:48 pm

'Thank god he's not a natural man.'

Doktor Zoom September 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

As a father of a three-year-old girl

I love this place now that it's a daddyblog.

emmelemm September 10, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Hee!

Eve8Apples September 10, 2012 at 5:54 pm

I wonder if Paul "States Rights" Ryan feels the same way about gay marriage?

SayItWithWookies September 10, 2012 at 5:55 pm

The pro-pot thing is a vestige of libertarianism, just toned down to the states' rights level, where it becomes meaningless unless he's for repealing the federal laws against possession and distribution, which he apparently wasn't, even before his re-education. Currently he's straddling that nonexistent overlap between biddyfied Republican shrew and laissez-faire libertarian.

Most Republicans have a couple of completely incompatible ideas — Paul Ryan, however, has assembled a fuckin' Noah's Ark of contradictions. Which I guess is why they call him the serious one.

calliecallie September 10, 2012 at 6:13 pm

"Currently he's straddling that nonexistent overlap between biddyfied Republican shrew and laissez-faire libertarian."

That sounds both extremely uncomfortable and oddly kind of titillating. Like a porn movie.

Chet Kincaid_ September 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Maybe you read that as "fairly-sleazy librarian"?

calliecallie September 11, 2012 at 12:35 pm

The biddified Republican shrew – a well-heeled (and maybe round-heeled) cougar type – is looking for a book on erotic art in the stacks of a large library. She asks the Laissez-Faire ("do-nothing") librarian – hawt but mousy with glasses & hair up – for help but she is not sure where to look for this erotic art book in the stacks. She calls over the young summer intern – a total young stud – to help. He is more than willing to help both ladies, and to help them help each other. You can take it from there. I have a very active imagination.

RadioX September 10, 2012 at 7:41 pm

He's the New Newt.

Joshua Norton September 10, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Is Paul Ryan On The Marijuana?

That would explain so much.

Antispandex September 10, 2012 at 5:57 pm

"…a position that is, unfortunately, incompatible with his prior statement."

If the Romney Ryan ticket is elected, I don't believe this is the last time we will see that.

orygoon September 10, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Has a reporter asked this guy if he used to smoke pot? And if not, why not? Do they only ask the Democrats that question?

Goonemeritus September 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm

The first paragraph of that post was the single funniest thing ever written by anyone about anything.

jesse_berney September 11, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Thanks!

ManchuCandidate September 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

I'd say he's tripping balls on LSD or Peyote based on his economic proposals.

ph7 September 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

When I'm stoned, I imagine myself running a sub 3 hr marathon, too.

Generation[redacted] September 10, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Mmmmmm… marathon sub sandwich…

TribecaMike September 10, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Albums You Won't Find In Mitt's Record Collection #2: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-uAuTh2j7kSU/UE1p_V4VN7I

Blueb4sinrise September 10, 2012 at 6:07 pm

linkee from portia @ Atriosblog.

Paul Ryan : ‘We stand with Rahm Emanuel’.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/paul-ryan-chic

Chet Kincaid_ September 10, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Double reverse psychology. How does it work?

Blueb4sinrise September 10, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Programs here. Getcher programs. Can't tell yer thugs without a program.

bobbert September 10, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Is there a short-form explanation of who's right or wrong on this strike? (My mom was a unionized teacher, and I recall she just hated it on the couple of occasions the union called a strike. She stayed out, though.)

Chet Kincaid_ September 10, 2012 at 6:40 pm

I have not bothered to be completely informed, but that never stopped me before. As always, the city has no money except for highly unpopular property tax increases, while at the same time, Rahm came into office promising improvements in education. Failing a huge influx of money, inner city schools will never be fixed, because low-income kids come from households where nobody knows what love of learning looks like. To combat all of this, Rahm wants to keep kids in school all fucking day to keep them away from their environment, which sounds suspiciously like pre-imprisonment, while not compensating teachers for the longer school day. And again, barring a huge influx of money, failure to educate must be blamed on the teachers, by with-holding pay when we want to make them responsible for poor performance, since we won't contemplate what it would really take to fix the school system. Teachers are not down with this, and furthermore think it is unreasonable for both teachers and kids to have to teach in classrooms with no air conditioning when there is a fucking heatwave/drought going on.

bobbert September 10, 2012 at 6:56 pm

So, pretty much normal then.

Thanks.

BTW, this reminds me of the famous phrase "You can't fix inner-city schools by throwing money at them", to which I reply "How would you know, since no one has ever tried throwing money at them?"

OldWhiteLies September 10, 2012 at 6:12 pm

Guys, we’re concerned about Paul Ryan. As a father of a three-year-old girl,

OK, allow me to stop you there, Mr/Miss/Mrs Berney. Reading just a bit ahead, I'm thinking your concern for Mr Ryan is misplaced and an ill use of your resources. With a 3yo girl – and your first child from the sounds of it – you have so many other items that should take concern priority. But please continue …

…we’ve trained ourselves to be vigilant for all the signs your child could be using drugs: rapid changes in mood or behavior, anti-social tendencies, refusing to eat.

At the risk of diminishing your vigilance in such weighty matters, should you in fact witness rapid changes in mood or behavior, anti-social tendencies, and refusing to eat, in your 3yo daughter, I would myself be much more inclined to suggest that these are signs that it is … Tuesday (OK, it is Monday, but you get my point). Moving on …

(We’re 90 percent certain our daughter injects heroin into her eyeballs.)

Well yes, of course. As we all know, toddlers represent a hotbed of heroin abuse these days; what with all the resources they possess to obtain said heroin. You have of course confiscated her cell phone and car keys and checked to be certain all the baby gates are locked, yes? And without a doubt, injecting into the eyeballs does hinder the search for those track marks that are the sure sign of addiction.

I'm sure we all wish you the best at this difficult time in your parenting. Hang in there – it only gets worse.

[To be clear, this is pure satirical snark. I'm just having a bit of fun here. Parenting is a beautiful endeavor with many rewards. Drug use in children is not a joke. The end.]

PsycWench September 10, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Wow, heroin. When my daughter was three I was only worried that she was bipolar.

Dashboard Buddha September 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I was so fucked up when I was a kid that my best friend/stuffed animal was a bi-polar bear.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 11:12 pm

O-Kay. (Draws curtain over DbB) Nothing to see here, folks, move along.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 10, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Tip your waitresses everyone; try the veal!

Barrelhse September 10, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Actually, as a parent (24 & 26), I think I can say that the rewards are few and far between- even without the drugs… Also, my youngest daughter has been a junkie for 8 years. I am, though, totally catholic with my twisted humor and no one escapes, including my family. I understand that everything is fair game for humor and I don't get offended when it hits me where I live- that's the dues for dishing it out!

Chichikovovich September 10, 2012 at 9:28 pm

My son is the age your daughter was 8 years ago, I understand what a painful journey this must have been.

All my well-wishes and sympathies, Barrelhse.

Barrelhse September 10, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Thank you.

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 10:11 pm

Been there done that. Paid the rehab bills with my retirement. It is hell. Best of luck to you and yours.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:33 pm

I'm so sorry to hear that. (Hugs Barrelhse) Good thing you have a sense of humour. Sometimes I think it was given us to keep us from offing ourselves.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 11, 2012 at 1:31 am

Prayers for you and your daughter.

Heroin is the cruelest addiction, from what I've seen and been told by junkies. I have seen junkies recover, though — never give up hope!

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:32 pm

No it isn't. Parenting is a 20-year sentence. With occasional delightful moments designed to trick you into thinking that putting up with all that OTHER shit is worth it, after all.

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Parenting is a life sentence. No book I ever read (mine was born before the inter-webs) described how you. Never. Stop. Worrying. Ever.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 11:14 pm

True. I misspoke when I said 20 years. I'm sorry you had to go through that hell, too. What was it Mark Twain said, Life is made up of sobs, sniffles, and tears, with sobs and sniffles predominating?

Lascauxcaveman September 11, 2012 at 1:06 am

Man. I'm thinking I better not blink, 'cause my kids (age 17 and 12) are pretty much perfect so far: straight A's, musical, artistic, sense of humor, reasonably fit and athletic. Maybe a little spoiled inasmuch as lower-middle-class kids can be spoiled.

Maybe the next step is they start hitting the sauce like their old man and go off the deep end, like I never did.

randcoolcatdaddy September 10, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Whatever Paul Ryan's smokin' …. DO NOT WANT!

calliecallie September 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

He was for it before he was against it.

pdiddycornchips September 10, 2012 at 6:17 pm

So is this another lie? I'm keeping a close watch. I have Ryan on my fantasy lying team.

Blueb4sinrise September 10, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Great idea.

RRoccoco September 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm

"not a high priority"? Getting high is always a priority! Free your mind, and your vote will follow!. Not sure this is going to fly with his bong-mate Romney. Stimulants and anything that threatens to lighten the mood of moneyworship is agin his r'ligin.

coolhandnuke September 10, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Ryan's gateway drug was "Atlas Shrugged." The DEA lists it as a Class B Misdemeanor for minors in possession of said book.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Don't you mean "possessed by" said book?

TribecaMike September 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Was Ryan born a Paraquat Baby?

TootsStansbury September 10, 2012 at 6:58 pm

Was he fucking dropped on his motherfucking head?

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:53 pm

No, he made that himself.

Crank_Tango September 10, 2012 at 8:10 pm

No, but he did get a bunch of evil SS money.

Also, he got social security, hey-oh!

rocktonsam September 10, 2012 at 9:06 pm

no, he was born In Janesville Wisconsin. Trust me, i live near there and there hasn't been a bigger red neck town north of the Mason Dixie line than this place. I think the only people that smoke pot over there are the hundred or so blacks.

The best weed is up by Madison, I hear tell.

zumpie September 10, 2012 at 6:26 pm

Heh. Eddie visited Portland today for a fundraiser. Given that we don't exactly like Puggies here AND have very liberal marijuana laws (both medical AND possession), maybe now we know the REAL reason Lyin' Ryan favored our fair city with a visit. Hmmmm????

Isyaignert September 10, 2012 at 6:49 pm

You have cannabis bakeries in Portland!!! And Voodoo Donuts also, too.

zumpie September 10, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Truth be told, I find VooDoo donuts kinda overrated. But that doesn't mean young Master Munster won't need something to dull the butthurt of the next 8 weeks!!

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Oh, MAN, does he have butthurt. A WORLD of butthurt.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 10, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Portland then Seattle. Sure there are wing nuts here, but the kind who are so whacked that they wouldn't allow them near Romney.

The only possible conclusion is that he is a reefer addict, or he is shooting the dope.

(NB: Ryan has refused to say whether he has smoked marijuana at any point in his life. Don't know if they asked him about doing horse.)

Generation[redacted] September 10, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Uh… what was the question?

weejee September 10, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Cookies or Cheetos?

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Switch to a Cheese strain, dude, they're easier on the memory.

Lionel[redacted]Esq September 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Something about some guy . . . saying . . . something?

BlueStateLibel September 10, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Guy looks like Kermit the Frog in that picture.

Thurman Munster IV September 10, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Just wait until he starts talking about the pompitous of love, er, respect

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I do NOT want to grope his peaches or shake his tree.

wolvenwood13 September 10, 2012 at 6:38 pm

But Paul Ryan voted no on laws that would keep states from being invaded by the MJ cops aka DEA. Interesting. Not that he's a hypocrit or anything, or a flip-flopper…or a human being even.
http://votesmart.org/candidate/key-votes/26344/

Barrelhse September 10, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Not sure what to call him, although he does come equipped with a nozzle.

wolvenwood13 September 13, 2012 at 2:20 pm

A nozzle? Where is this nozzle? All I see are his 2 eyes, with dollar signs. A nozzle could be useful :)

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 6:38 pm

What I find surprising is the use of one of the few pix of Ryan where his eyes don't look red.

Barrelhse September 10, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Did they cure his Gay while they had him in for a re-grooving?

Blunderthing September 10, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Paul Ryan lifted his stoned head up from Mitt Romney's lap long enough to mumble "state's rights, whatever, mmmmph, mmmph" before lowering his slack jaw back on to Mitt's manly member.

unclejeems September 10, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Let's see. States rights. Marijuana?

Oh, well then, let's let the states decide.

Gay marriage?

Für immer verboten, in allen Staaten, sie Idiot! Nein, nein, nein, nein!!!!

Abortion?

Nein, nein, nein, nein!!!

Er, how about just a teentsy, weentsy little bit of health ca . . .

Nein, nein, nein, nein!

I understand, I think . . .

TootsStansbury September 10, 2012 at 6:59 pm

Slavery also too.

SigDeFlyinMonky September 10, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Dude, s'been my position since April 20. And the 'shrooms also, too. Free the natural buzz… And just fuck Upjohn, Sandoz and all them. Never had anything as good as Owsley's batches of '68. You're either on the bus or you're off the bus…… Hey, dude, where's the bus?

James Michael Curley September 10, 2012 at 7:03 pm
M. Bouffant September 10, 2012 at 8:58 pm
DCBloom September 10, 2012 at 7:22 pm

I could totally hang with you monkey

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Pulled out an hour ago, dude.

TootsStansbury September 10, 2012 at 7:01 pm

I thought being a stoner was an Ayn Rand Fanboi requirement.

azeyote September 10, 2012 at 7:01 pm

maybe he should try some mushrooms or peyote, i don't think pot is strong enough to do the job that really needs doin on that square.

OneYieldRegular September 10, 2012 at 7:06 pm

Oh, so he's the annoying guy who was submitting all those marijuana questions to Barry for the Reddit Q&A…

punkneverdies September 10, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Why are generally arbitrarily drawn state administration units more able to deal with everything than say, counties?

I mean if you want to "go local" really then you'd let cities & counties decide everything but that would lead to legal drugs, prostitution and all kinds of horrible things so it's best left to the states amirite?

M. Bouffant September 10, 2012 at 9:00 pm

Possee Comitatus, baby! There is no power higher (Ooops.) than the elected County Sheriff.

bobbert September 10, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Especially when some states have a small fraction of the population of some counties.

barto September 10, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Unfortunately, both Ryan and Rmoney's statements are always inconsistent with their prior statements – so in fact they are consistent.

MinAgain September 10, 2012 at 7:13 pm

"rapid changes in mood or behavior, anti-social tendencies, refusing to eat."

Well, he's obviously not smoking pot, then, or he'd have munchies the size of the national debt.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm

These days they have different strains. Some give you munchies, and some don't.

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 8:28 pm

Oooohh. Did not know they had a Weight Watchers version. Reason to live again.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:11 pm

Srsly. Some strains get you all buzzy and busy and you want to run around totally *doing* stuff. Not good for evening ingestion. And then some just make you LYFAO and have weird dreams and daydreams and stuff. Don't ask me how I know.

HistoriCat September 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

You folks lead such interesting lives.

poorgradstudent September 10, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Poorly thought out yet tightly held interpretation of economics…check.
Smug entitled white straight guy attitude…check.
Favors vague ideology over the well-being of people…double check.
And now this!

I gotta say, the Libertarians should be celebrating. They finally got a candidate on a major presidential ticket.

MistaEko September 10, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Tea Party, this man was your "Brain"

And this is your brain on drugs.

Any questions?

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 7:51 pm

Whatever he's on, it's not The Sacred Greenstuff, man. Just look at those mean, soulless eyes and that lipless mouth! If he were high on hash, he'd be all wonky-eyed, one cold blue eyeball circling in its orbit as the other staggered around feebly attempting to focus. Also, he'd be smiling, not trying to show us his baleen.

GeorgiaBurning September 10, 2012 at 8:07 pm

you're right. Ryan looks to be either dosed on some very strong anti-psychotic meds (could explain his babbling if the dose is wearing off) or zapped-out by electroshock therapy. Besides, nobody's seen him wasted at a drive-through 3AM, ordering two dozen tacos.

MittBorg September 10, 2012 at 9:23 pm

(looks up, hides remains of second dozen tacos) Whut?

iburl September 10, 2012 at 8:00 pm

Dopey, not doper.

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Dwarf libel!

DerrickWildcat September 10, 2012 at 8:12 pm

I bet he voted for Ron Paul.

Monsieur_Grumpe September 10, 2012 at 8:53 pm

I think he is suffering from a Visine overdose. His eyes are way too white.

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 10:27 pm

I seem to recall that they were quite red on a number of occasions, including his Iowa State Fair appearance just after Romney named him as running mate… http://abcn.ws/QvANoY

LibrarianX September 10, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Is their strategy to take every possible position?

johnnyzhivago September 10, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Obama's Europeanization Plans Revealed:
http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com

Fukui-sanYesOta September 10, 2012 at 9:34 pm

That was a sneaky piece of blogwhoring you just indulged in!

The "typical American city" does look a lot nicer than most cities now …

johnnyzhivago September 10, 2012 at 9:48 pm

I only blogwhore with my friends!!!  :)

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 10:08 pm

#10. Duh, Schengen.

As it is now, you need a passport, social security card, driver's license and country club membership card just to vote in your own state.

Otherwise, brilliant.

docterry6973 September 10, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Thank God we've been warned in time!

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 10:09 pm

So, I will not necessarily need to move?

Dashboard Buddha September 10, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Personally, I don't care where Paul stands on weed…the takeaway from this story is learning just how much Ryan is Mitten's bitch.

docterry6973 September 10, 2012 at 9:38 pm

'Ryan agrees with Mitt Romney that marijuana should never be made legal.' Dude, you said just the opposite THREE DAYS AGO! Do these guys ever talk to each other? At least Ryan hasn't decided to go rogue and just promote himself, like someone else we might mention,

NellCote71 September 10, 2012 at 10:09 pm

We have yet to see his wardrobe bill.

Arborista September 10, 2012 at 10:36 pm

It's only been one month… give him time.

mgremus September 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

He must have been "high" when reading Ayn Rand's nonsense.

owhatever September 10, 2012 at 9:48 pm

My position is whatever Mitt says, even when the position changes from an earlier position that I had also taken the same position on after changing my original position, which was a 69 until my wife couldn't get off that way, so I tried a missionary position and Mitt, being Mormon, knew about that one and we smoked some weed and figured out a brand new position that was the opposite of Obama's position, which is pretty much whatever the hell he and Michelle can dream up that leaves footprints on the ceiling mirror they installed in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Fukui-sanYesOta September 10, 2012 at 9:51 pm

CNN Reporter Don Lemon: So what is your position on Marijuana? Should the Federal laws be enforced?

Ryan: Well, Don, if you ask me for a straight answer, then I shall say that, as far as we can see, looking at it by and large, taking one thing with another in terms of the average of states, then in the final analysis it is probably true to say, that at the end of the day, in general terms, you would probably find that, not to put too fine a point on it, there probably wasn't very much in it one way or the other. As far as one can see, at this stage.

bobbert September 10, 2012 at 11:33 pm

That's …. beautiful, man.

Charlie_Foxtrot September 11, 2012 at 1:51 am

Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Negropolis September 11, 2012 at 7:57 am

Sarah Palin 2.0

Don't retreat, reboot!

RALitherland September 10, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Yeah, wow, I just saw it all. man. See, if we just cut texas on all the job creature… creators, like govmnt renev… revenews will, like, go waay up … like stratosphosphic, cos …. er, cos the Pot Head Pixies will just glid down from Planet Gong an fix everthing. God, I gotta get this budget written up before I crash.

Muffaroo September 10, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Dude, did you ever look at the GOP platform? I mean… really, you know, LOOK at it? Dude!

Troubledog September 10, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I guess he's kicking the can on the tough issues.

Negropolis September 10, 2012 at 10:32 pm

I love how this was painted as some kind of gaffe, except that when you read the full comment he's clearly taking a very mainstream Libertarian-Republican position on medical marijuana. This is probably one of the least partisan issues, now. Hell, it passed here in Michigan with something like +60% of the vote. Nothing passes with that much support.

I'm about as critical as the GOP as anyone you'll find, but this is one of the progressive issues where there is true bi-partisan support and GOP allies in many areas of the country.

Sharkey September 10, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I thought you said "meth" for a minute.

viennawoods13 September 10, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Have you ever looked at a vice-presidential candidate… on weed?

Negropolis September 10, 2012 at 11:57 pm

Speaking of the devil's weed, after years of trying to get it on the ballot, and the city illegally having blocked it numerous times the, Coalition for a Safer Detroit finally got decriminalization on the Detroit ballot, this year. You'd have thought the local administration in a city like Detroit would have been behind it, but they did everything they could to block it. Surprisingly, it was the usually hackish, Republican Suprem Court that ordered them to but iton the local ballot. The referendum is so popular that the Coalition isn't even spending any money on it. lol

Thurman Munster IV September 11, 2012 at 12:05 am

Oh man, the colors. Wait, this is the republican party. Oh man, look at the color.

BTWBFDIMHO September 11, 2012 at 12:25 am

Ryan's campaign bus will never smell like Willie Nelson's tour bus.

Designer_Rants September 11, 2012 at 6:58 am

Is that good or bad?

RadioX September 11, 2012 at 12:26 am

I just want to be the first to wish everybody a Merry 9/11.

iburl September 11, 2012 at 1:02 am

…and a happy new American century.

LibertyLover September 11, 2012 at 1:07 am

You should check out the New York Times's op ed today…

Fukui-sanYesOta September 11, 2012 at 1:59 am

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/08/opinion/jobs-an

this one?

Having had to sit in bars and see "Irish Car Bombs" advertised as if this is a hugely LOL drink, I've been trying to come up with a similarly insulting drink for Americans.

I'm thinking some kind of white spirit topped with yellow and red spirits, layered, served in two highball glasses side by side and set on fire. Call it the Twin Towering Inferno or something.

ElPinche September 11, 2012 at 1:45 am

I baked a yellow cake!! Wait ..wrong war…eh,…it's all the same.

Exhausted66 September 11, 2012 at 12:35 am

Meanwhile on a Wisconsin freeway. http://www.moonfun.net/Milwaukee_Files/Milwaukee_

LibertyLover September 11, 2012 at 1:08 am

I am suddenly very, very hungry for about 100 tacos.

Negropolis September 11, 2012 at 3:00 am

Hundred Tacos shounds like a city in California, like Thousand Oaks or Twenty-Nine Palms.

ElPinche September 11, 2012 at 1:47 am

This is too weird. I'm reading this and I'm high right now.

zappadoo76 September 11, 2012 at 1:50 am

"Is Paul Ryan on marijuana?"

It's easy to tell. Just look for the marijuana track marks on his arms.

gurukalehuru September 11, 2012 at 5:00 am

See, what's happening here is that x-dimensional chess everybody keeps talking about. Barry has planted both his feet firmly against legalization of the good herb, seemingly leaving himself exposed to being flanked by Republicans of a libertarian bent, siphoning off the stoner vote, which is a large percentage of the Democratic base.
Then, when the Republicans actually ram the bill through, totally legalizing reefer and making it possible to purchase with food stamps, blammo, he'll sign that fucker! Intercepted!

Designer_Rants September 11, 2012 at 5:37 am

Choom Chess!

DahBoner September 11, 2012 at 9:36 am

"incompatable with his prior statement"

Ryan told a lie? That's weird.

No Republican has ever told a lie the truth…

DalePues September 11, 2012 at 10:25 am

Paul Ryan is a brown noser. Really. Until he had it fixed, his Wiki entry reported that his high school classmates in Janesville named him brown noser.

blueflowers September 11, 2012 at 11:08 am

If Romney wants to be a dick about pot, that sucks, but at least he's not a hypocrite like Bamz. Bamz be taking privileges that he doesn't allow others. Romney should outlaw alcohol and caffeine while he's at it. See how you like that, RILL AMERCIA.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 11:46 am

Your son can small pot growing? He needs to (not) get a job with the DEA or Customs.

ttommyunger September 11, 2012 at 11:50 am

I am just now comprehending the absolute genius of the Romney/Ryan Campaign: they no doubt plan to win with a landslide by promoting and assuming every possible position on every policy matter we are confronted with. Think about it: no matter what you believe in or want for our Country, these two will have been in favor of it at one time or another during this Campaign. Fucking Genius!

AlNewMan September 11, 2012 at 1:48 pm

bitch looks baked in that photo

UsernameSept12 September 12, 2012 at 5:32 pm

Ryan's tic of LICKING HIS LIPS seems to be a tic–either from a Tic Syndrome or drug use. It could be steroids from his body building regime, past drug use, or natural, but I've watched him and he does it everytime he speaks publically.

memzilla September 10, 2012 at 9:44 pm

No, it was definitely Philip D.

A special trough was constructed around the lower edge of the bowl to hold a squirt of lighter fluid for "Ronsonol Hits." Because hey! with all the other crap already in the weed, what's another benzene ring or three between friends?

memzilla September 10, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Drop-Out U? Nope. But see below.

memzilla September 10, 2012 at 10:02 pm

While protecting the names of the innocent, and whatever shred of modesty and/or shame that they/I may yet retain, I can tell you that the city in which it was located was fondly called "The Bald Spot On The Great American Tire"

One winter's eve, the city bus we were in hit black ice on the boulevard, lost control, and did one… two… three complete 360s before coming to a stop.

We had hit nothing and nobody. Traffic was stopped in both directions. The engine idled softly, the driver was frozen in place, the bus was so quiet you could have heard a mouse fart, and I piped up from the back: "Out-freaking-STAAAAAN-ding! Let's do it again!"

The entire bus broke out in a tension-cracking gale of laughter, including the driver. Smiles all around, a collective "whew," and blood pressures returned to normal.

There's a reason that Class Clowns choose their path in life, and this was the best use of my talent that G-d blessed me with.

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm

*coff*

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I'd give it all up in a minute to be able to hike again, baby.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 1:21 pm

They grow best in tulgey woods.

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Let us hope for the best, dear Lascauxcaveman. Some of us turn out fine, and some of us take a long time to get there. My sister was the straight-A student, and I was the longhair druggie. Life changes us all in many ways, big and small, and no one can see what lies ahead.

MittBorg September 11, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I especially liked the line "and burbled as he came."

I've always wanted to do that.

Boojum September 11, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I think you have to be snorkeling.

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